SPOON, FULL OF TRUTH

THINK LOCALLY...ACT NATIONALLY, INTERNATIONALLY, AND POST RAPTURE

2010-02-22T12:34:00.030-05:00

FLAIR FOR HAIR
It’s a cold Monday afternoon in February and I’m walking through Rittenhouse Square, hopping over piles of snow as I search for 128 South 19th Street. I find it nestled on a second floor walk-up just off of the square (in the space that was previously the upstairs bar at Loie). A small sign on the door reads “The Studio CL”. It is a brand new business concept from hair stylist Artur Kirsh. Kirsh, originally from Russia, moved to the United States in the mid 1990’s and began honing his craft at the age of sixteen. In 1996 he arrived in Philadelphia and began building his reputation amongst local and national celebrities (including Kathy Griffin and Celine Dion).

Kirsh has recently revamped his Studio CL into a new brainchild which he expects to revolutionize the stereotypical hair salon: “The Workshop” at Studio CL.
Boasting custom color techniques (the old Loie bar has been converted into a hair color bar) and a “dry cutting” method, Kirsh is able to stay on the cutting edge of style. He explained to me that “by cutting and styling hair while it is dry, you are able to instantly get a more visual approach”.

Upon entering The Workshop I can instantly tell that this place is unique. The space is very fluid allowing hair stations to be moved around freely. Abstract art covers the walls. A small set of stairs leading to the upper portion of the Studio CL, as well as the hallway at the top, are painted in warm, vibrant yellows, oranges, and reds. With a smile Kirsh explains to me that he personally painted it that late one night. He hates the word “salon” and really wants the Studio and Workshop spaces to have a one of a kind feel.

Dressed in a red flannel shirt and a black winter cap, Kirsh introduces me to the staff members working that day. They are a mix of senior stylists and apprentices. The Workshop trains all new stylists in house to assure that they learn color and cutting techniques from industry veterans (such as Kirsh and senior stylist and creative director Alexey Kats).

Normally The Workshop would be filled with clients in the early afternoon but today something special is going on. The Studio space has been transformed into a space for a photo-shoot. Kirsh, Kats, and other Workshop stylists are collaborating with a make-up artist and local models. The models take turns having their hair and make-up styled. Next each will be dressed by stylist Jackie Fantacone (who looks surprisingly like Sarah Jessica Parker) in fashions provided by First Impressions (where she works at 470-472 East Germantown Pike, Lafayette Hill PA 19444) and hand made jewelry from local designer Christine Yi (www.facebook.com/cyijewelry).

As I watch Kirsh literally create hair concepts on the spot, he tells me that he really wants his clients to feel special, as if the Studio CL and the treatment they receive there is a secret that only they (and a select other few Philadelphians) know about. His eyes light up as talks about The Workshop and his work as a stylist, calling it “his high”.
“I have two things I love,” he states matter-of-factly, “My son, and what’s around me” (referring to the Studio).

The first model is almost ready to begin and it is becoming clear that this is no ordinary photo-shoot. It is a true collaboration that will benefit everyone involved. The models will get new photos for their portfolios, and the Workshop, photographer, Neiman Marcus, and Christine Yi will all have use of the photos as well. Everyone involved seems very happy with the arrangement and as the staff playfully changes the music from country, to hip-hop, to rock, to Russian house…everyone seems relaxed and excited.

Glancing over at a wall of hair care products, I notice that many of them bear the brand name “Artur” and ask him about it.
“My customers use it at home… so they take a shower and I am always with them,” he jokes.

The hairstyles are like nothing I have ever seen. It is clear that hair can truly be an artistic medium in a way I had never considered before. I am struck with the urge to hop into the chair myself and ask Kirsh to work his magic on my hair but I manage to resist.

The models are filmed one at a time and when they have completed their individual session they return to have their hair, wardrobe, and jewelry changed. Often, between each individual photo, Kirsh or another stylist will step in to fix the slightest imperfection in the model’s hair creation. Being a photographer myself I break out my camera and decide to capture some shots of the day.

The models working that day all really enjoy having the Studio stylists make them over (even though none of the hair styles are permanent). Local model Adrienne Schultz thought the whole experience was great. “It was awesome!” she told me.

As I exit the Studio CL Workshop back onto the snow covered street below I am struck with the feeling that I am now in the know about a Philadelphia gem. I am convinced that any woman leaving this distinctive space will do so feeling better about herself than when she walked in; something I am sure Artur Kirsh would be very proud of.
Oh and by the way guys, they style men’s hair too.

The Studio CL Workshop
128 South 19th Street
Philadelphia, PA 19103
215-496-0604
http://www.thestudiocl.com/

(all photos used in the above story are copyrighted property of D. Jacob Miller. All rights reserved)

YOU’VE GOT A KNIFE, BUT I’VE GOT SELF EXPRESSION
Are you attending the 2010 World Cup? If you’re like me you’d probably like to avoid getting stabbed while rooting for your native country. You’re in luck. Thanks to Protektorvest, you can wear your country’s flag with pride on your new knife-proof vest for only $69.95! When you decide to celebrate your national pride and a disgruntled, angry fan from another country (that just lost to yours or just hates your for your freedom) picks up a knife and tries to plunge it into your chest, he’s going to be in for his second disappointment of the day.

According to a statement on their website (http://www.protektorvest.com/):
“Our approach to bring protective clothing to the masses is unique. By enabling your protective vest to communicate with each other through messages like ‘Free Hugs’ or ‘Olé’ we hope we can bring a new dimension to personal protection clothing. Our vest can be decorated with badges of your choice and we are open to your creativity.”

Why didn’t I think of this? Clearly the days of drab stab-proof clothing are gone forever. At long last my love of cheering for my country in a global Futbol competition has teamed up with my desire to avoid getting stabbed in any of my vital organs. If that doesn’t make you want to shout “Ole” …I don’t know what will.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any better I noticed that Protektorvest will “donate $1 per order to charities fighting against knife crime.” I have a dream that one day, with enough donations, I will be able to wear my Protektorvest simply to let those around me know that I love Sweden, The United States, Free Hugs, or just about anything else, and not because I’m worried that someone might plunge a five inch blade into my kidney. Soccer truly is the beautiful game.

CHASTITY IS FOR THE DOGS
When I was a kid I used to love the show “The Price is Right”. At the end of every show host Bob Barker would sign off the air with his famous plea to “Help control the pet population…have your pet spayed or neutered”.

Pet owners that want to help do their part to prevent over population of dogs, or just want to keep their prize show dog from getting knocked up from that frisky dog next door now have another option.

According to AOL news, a dog breeder from Louisiana has invented a strap-on canine chastity belt.

Dexter Blanch, 51, introduced the Pet Anti Breeding System (PABS, as he calls it) a polypropylene belt with an eight-buckle locking system and a washable mesh pad for female dogs two months ago. The device allows the pooch to do all its natural bodily functions, except one, of course.

The PABS slogan: "When the heat is on, lock it, and stop it."

I’m not sure how I feel about this. I’m more inclined to believe advertising slogans when they rhyme.

"The dogs can urinate and defecate," Blanch says. "But they can't copulate or impregnate."

That’s better. You have my attention Mr. Blanch, but what’s the catch?

While a female dog is in heat (a period of three weeks for many breeds) a pet owner would be required to rinse out the reusable pad in the mesh area but it appears that Blanch figures that's no different than picking up after your animal companion.

"I love my dogs," Blanch says. "But when they're in heat, you can't keep them inside because it's messy. And you can't keep them outside, because when they get in that way they'll chew through any fence to get out."

That’s true. We all know that when a dog “gets in that way” that there’s no stopping them. If there’s another dog, an owner’s leg, or just about anything else around, it’s most likely getting humped.

I know what you’re thinking… “Can I get one for my cat…or maybe my teenage daughter?”

Presently, the product is only available for dogs, but Blanch says he was contacted by a man in Turkey who wants to know if he can develop a chastity belt for camels.

A camel with no humps seems wrong to me.

Personally I think Blanch should team up with the folks at Protektorvest. Are you really satisfied with simply keeping your pooch virginal? I know I’d feel a lot better if the other dog owners in the neighborhood knew two things about me: I love Brazil, and my cute little female pug is not getting “stabbed”.

http://www.pabsforpets.com/

JESUS CHRIST, WHAT COULD BE A BETTER IDEA THAN A CHASTITY BELT FOR DOGS?
My hope is that after reading this edition of “The Spoon” that you will be far less likely to get unfashionably stabbed at a South African sporting event or have your darling little purebred dog boned by a neighbor’s mutt. But what good is keeping your canine pure if the Rapture comes and you’re forced to just leave them behind on earth to face Satan’s wrath?

According to the site http://www.raptureready.com/, and its founder Todd Strandberg, Rapture prophecy posits that Jesus Christ will return to Earth to gather his disciples for eternal life in God's kingdom, while leaving behind those who have not met a standard of piety to face the rule of Satan.

"Pets don't have souls, so they'll remain on Earth. I don't see how they can be taken with you." Strandberg says.

Damn it. Once Jesus comes back to “save” my neighbors, who is going to keep their dog from humping around or taking a crap on my lawn? It seems morally wrong for anyone who believes in the Rapture to own a pet doesn’t it? Not so fast.
According to AOL News, 61-year-old Bart Centre has come up with a plan to look after those domestic animals not scooped up in the heavenly exodus. In July, he started Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, a pet-sitting service to care for those critters. (http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com/)

"Each Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you have received your reward," the company's Web site promises. "Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus."

The terms behind the pet sitting are pretty simple. For an up-front fee of $110, Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, which claims to have animal rescuers in 22 states, guarantees that it will take care of one pet in the event that the Rapture occurs within 10 years of payment. Each additional pet costs $15, and a 25 percent discount is offered when customers sign up again after the first term of coverage expires.

So far, more than 100 people have signed up for the service. Centre says he splits the proceeds evenly among the company's all-atheist employees. "They have to be ready," he told AOL News. "We commit to reaching a person's pet within 18 to 24 hours after the Rapture."

Luckily I don’t need to shell out $110 for this service as (according to Protestants) I’ll be left here on Earth to toil in eternal hell-fire and brimstone instead of rocking out at the pearly gates with JC. But for all of you readers that are heaven bound, I hope this makes it a little easier to know that your soulless pet will be cared for be one of the sinners left behind.

GOT A RAGING HARD-ON FOR ENERGY DRINKS?
A man has sued the maker of the health drink “Boost Plus,” claiming the vitamin-enriched beverage gave him an erection that would not subside and caused him to be hospitalized.

That’s embarrassing. What can the doctor do for that?
“Take two hours of masturbation and call me in the morning. Oh, and spend 10-15 minutes looking at naked pictures of your own mother. If that doesn’t help, I recommend just cutting the thing off.”

Novartis' Boost Plus Web site describes the drink as "a great tasting, high calorie, nutritionally complete oral supplement for people who require extra energy and protein in a limited volume".

It comes in four varieties: vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, and boner.

PARTING IS SUCH SWEET SORROW
It’s that time again folks. As much as I hate to bid you a fond farewell until next month, I have no choice. I’d like to thank you for taking time to read February’s post and share with you my new photography web-site at http://www.djacobmillerphotography.wordpress.com/
You might also notice the DONATE button located on the left hand side by the archives or at the very bottom of this screen. As I look to expand this site, any amount that you could contribute would help greatly and I will be eternally grateful. Lastly, please share the link to Spoon, Full of Truth with a few people today. We all know that sharing means caring. Until next time Spoonies…

4th SPOONAVERSARY!

2010-01-06T15:27:00.013-05:00

MY FIRST TERM AS PRESIDENT OF TRUTHVILLE

2010. I never imagined that when I started the Spoon, Full of Truth back in December of 2005 that it would still be in existence today. There are two people (one is actually a group) I’d like to thank for making this possible. The first person I’d like to thank is me. Way to go David. You’ve done a great job over the past several years. Keep it up. The second “thank you” goes out to all of my friends, family, and readers for their support over the past four years. This site started out with just a small handful of readers and if it wasn’t for you it couldn’t have grown (and continue to grow) into the popular site it is today. In this post, I thought I’d take a look back over the past few years so we can all see what was going on around this time each year since the inception of the Spoon. I will start with current events, and we can work our way back.

2009-2010:

JEW ARE WE? WHERE DID WE COME FROM?
Religion is a slippery slope (and not just in winter time). A fundamental aspect of several religions is that you are born a member of the religion by blood and not by determinations and actions you make later in your life. In Judaism if your mother is not a natural born Jew (converting often times is not recognized) then you are not considered to be Jewish by some members of the religion.
In a landmark decision by Britain's Supreme Court several weeks ago it was ruled that it is illegal for a state-funded Jewish school to base its admissions policy on whether or not the applicant's mother was Jewish.
Britain’s government, which has no separation of Church and State laws, funds a certain number of "faith schools" (Church of England, Roman Catholic, Muslim, Jewish, etc.). These schools are allowed to give priority to applicants who share the faith of the school. In the recent Supreme Court decision (5-4 in favor of the boy’s parents whose son was denied acceptance to the school) it was basically determined that the Jewish religion is not allowed to set the parameters on whom it considers to be a Jew. From now on, children who apply to one of the U.K.'s 50 Jewish schools will now have to take religious practice tests to ensure the schools are not discriminating against children on ethnic grounds. This means that a written test will now determine whether the child is “Jewish”. This seems a little crazy to me. It makes me happy that I live in a country where (although the line is becoming more and more blurred) there is a separation of Church and State and the court system cannot tell any recognized religious group that the base system of their beliefs is not permitted.

RANDOM THOUGHTS
*The FAA has finally ruled that airline passengers cannot be held on delayed flights indefinitely. Under the new regulations, airlines operating domestic flights will only be able to keep passengers on board for three hours before they must be allowed to disembark a delayed flight. It is about time.

*Play-pens are for babies. Penitentiaries are evidently for U.S. soldiers that get pregnant with babies. For U.S. soldiers serving in Iraq, getting pregnant is now a punishable offense (court marshal or jail time). The rule applies to anyone who becomes pregnant or impregnates another service member, even if they are married. It makes me think of that old military song that goes something like this:
“This is my weapon, this is my gun, this one’s for shooting and this one’s for fun…”
Sorry soldier…looks like it doesn’t matter which one you choose to shoot that special lady with, you could wind up in jail either way. Better make sure the safety cap is on.

*Voters on the 2010 Census report can identify themselves as “Black, African-American, or Negro”. I understand that many older African Americans might still identify themselves this way, but it seems pretty outdated to me. I’m sure a lot of other racist terms were used for immigrants who came to this country decades ago and they don’t appear anywhere on the U.S. Census. I can't think of a single person I know who would identify as being "Negro". This struck me as odd so I at least wanted to give it a quick mention.

*I attended the 2010 Winter Classic (Flyers vs. Bruins) outdoors at Fenway Park in Boston on New Year’s Day and even though Ice Hockey isn’t my favorite sport (I do enjoy it) there was still something magical about getting to attend an outdoor hockey game. It was a once in a life-time experience I will never forgot. Too bad the referees jobbed the Flyers. I guess “Too Many Men on the Ice” is only a penalty when it happens indoors.

2008:

IT’S ENTIRELY POSSIBLE THAT THIS IS THE BEST ARTICLE EVER WRITTEN
On a recent trip to the News Museum (Newseum) in Washington, DC, I had the chance to read headlines from newspapers all around the world. Although I can’t recall the title of the publication, one headline (from a newspaper in the U.S.) stuck in my head. Is it the worst headline I’ve ever seen? It’s right up there. The headline read:
“Will The Economy Rebound in 2009? Maybe.”
Maybe?!? The first job of a headline is to grab your attention and drag the reader in. From the headline alone I know I’m not going to get any definitive information out of the story. Why keep reading? It led me to consider writing personalized headline greeting cards to people I don’t really like. Here are a few ideas I had:

“Extra! Extra! Is Your Girl Friend Cheating On You? Maybe.”
“You Are Potentially the Ugliest One in Your Family”
“Something Sure Smells Bad. It’s Probably You”
“Your Parents Say You Weren’t A Mistake. Are They Lying? Maybe.”

I could scrap the whole greeting card idea and go to work for a major paper armed with my new journalistic tools instead. The articles would practically write themselves.

“Man Shot by Police in Liquor Store Hold up Was Probably Guilty”
“Could You Be Saving Money on Your Bills? I Guess So.”
“Iraq Might Still Have Weapons of Mass Destruction, Somewhere.”
“Gas Prices Drop, But They Could Go Back Up”
“Will Your Child Turn Into a Gremlin If You Feed Them After Midnight? I Dare You To Try It.”

Come on journalists! We have a reputation to uphold. If you think the economy will rebound, state your case for it. If you think it will continue to decline then present your evidence to that end. Otherwise, should readers bother reading your articles? Most definitely not!

STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES, BUT LET’S STILL PLAY WITH THEM

There were three inductees into the Toy Hall of Fame in Rochester, N.Y this past weekend: the skateboard, the baby doll, and…a stick? That’s right, a plain old stick. The stick (along with its’ two fellow inductees) joined 38 other toys in the Hall of Fame. Unlike many toys that run on batteries, the stick is 100% imagination operated. What are the criteria for induction? Longevity is a key criterion for getting into the hall, which the museum acquired in 2002 from A.C. Gilbert's Discovery Village in Salem, Oregon. Each toy must not only be widely recognized and foster learning, creativity or discovery through play, but also endure in popularity over generations. The stick joins the cardboard box (a 2005 inductee) as an object that has captured generations of imaginative children (and animals). Many animals (especially dogs) also play endlessly with sticks. I went to an elementary school that was located on sixteen acres in the woods and we played with sticks constantly (the only rule being, no sticks longer than your arm were to be played with…safety first)."It's very open-ended, all-natural, the perfect price [free], there aren't any rules or instructions for its use," said Christopher Bensch, the museum's curator of collections. "It can be a Wild West horse, a medieval knight's sword, a boat on a stream or a slingshot with a rubber band. ...No snowman is complete without a couple of stick arms, and every campfire needs a stick for toasting marshmallows.” Other toys on display in the museum include the bicycle, the kite, Mr. Potato Head, Crayola crayons, marbles, and the Atari 2600 video game system. Parents, if you’re looking to make ends meet this holiday season, why not just break a branch off the old Christmas tree, remove the needles, and wrap it up. When your child opens the gift and says, “What is this, a stick?”You can reply, “No, it’s whatever you want it to be”.

2007:

FAMILY PAVES THE WAY FOR THE WORST ENGLISH MARRIAGE SINCE EGGS, BEANS, AND STEWED TOMATOS CAME TOGETHER TO FORM “BREAKFAST”
I’ve heard many strange “separated at birth” stories before, but this one takes the (wedding) cake. Last Friday in London, it was announced that twins who were separated at birth got married without realizing they were brother and sister. This news was according to a lawmaker who urged that more information be provided on birth certificates for adopted children. A court quickly annulled the British couple's union after they discovered their true relationship, Lord David Alton said.
"Everyone has a right to knowledge about their lineage, genealogy and identity. And if they don't, then it will lead to cases of incest," Alton told The Associated Press during a telephone interview Friday. I would agree with Alton on several of his points but I’m not sure how often it would really lead to incest. I think in most cases of incest (back me up here West Virginia) people are fully aware that they are related to their partner and simply don’t care. Jerry Lee Lewis all but ended his career to wed his thirteen year old second cousin. Even the knowledge of incest couldn’t extinguish the desire burning in his great balls of fire. According to Alton, "They (the English couple) were never told that they were twins. They met later in life and felt an inevitable attraction, and the judge had to deal with the consequences of the marriage that they entered into and all the issues of their separation." Divorce is hard enough. Imagine finding out that the person you were in love with (and had been intimate with) was actually your sibling! What feelings would that bring up? Would you be able to just turn off the romantic love that you had build over time? Under British law, only a mother has to be named on a birth certificate. These certificates are not required to identify births that result from in vitro fertilization or to identify the sperm donor. That means that the same donor egg and sperm could be used by a surrogate mother to deliver twins without any information later available to the resulting children.

RANDOM THOUGHTS
**Eventually just by default I think we’ll have an STD that only has good symptoms. For example, if a woman contracts Watermelonitis her vagina would then smell and taste like watermelon. Come on science! If Ronald Reagan can make Ketchup a vegetable then we should have fruit-flavored vaginas by 2010 at the latest.

**Some friends of mine came over last night and my one friend had recently gotten a nose job. She was commenting on an artsy menorah that I have sitting out (we are both Jewish by birth) and it struck me that a nose job is kind of like the Jewish circumcision for girls. Not that every Jewish girl needs a nose-job by any means but you all know what I’m talking about.

**My trip in November to Brazil with my brother was the best time I’ve ever had. I had never been to South America before and found the culture, landscape, food, night-life, and women irresistible. It was also the most time I’ve gotten to spend with my brosef in a long time and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I’ll post a few stories and photos in my next post.

**Where’s Waldo? I feel like no one’s seen him in a while.

**Thank you Evian for informing me on your label that zero calories are zero percent of my daily value of calories. If you’re not smart enough to figure that out on your own you can probably just drink out of a garden hose or something.

2006:

WRAP IT UP THIS HOLIDAY SEASON
I am the world’s worst gift wrapper. As I spent almost an hour trying to wrap presents Tuesday night (ripping the paper, losing the tape, cutting the wrong size piece and not realizing it until the final fold) I started to wish there was just a product you could spray onto the gift that would form a dry coating that and then could be peeled off. This would make my life much easier. While this technology might not be available for Christmas gifts, it will soon be ready for penises. Unlike with holiday presents, wrapping up your penis can prevent the transfer of unwanted gifts (babies, HIV, and the gift that keeps on giving, herpes). By 2008 a German company will begin selling the world’s first spray on condom. The idea is simple, you stick your penis into the little device and it sprays on a condom layer that fits perfectly. How durable will this protection layer be? How long will it last? How do you remove it? All good questions, but none of this information is available yet. It also isn’t clear how small the device will be. Personally, I’m not sure how I feel about sticking my penis into a device that’s going to spray some coating onto it. I know there are some guys out there who would stick their penis into just about anything (or sadly, anyone) but I feel like I have to take a stand here. Being in a committed relationship I don’t have much use for condoms anyway, maybe I would feel differently if I did. This device seems like it would offer a much more snuggly fitting condom and as our male friends in India can attest to, when it comes to condoms, one size does not fit all.

RANDOM THOUGHTS
*It’s impossible for a guy to look cool while drinking out of a straw. If you don’t believe me fellas, grab a drink, a straw, and a mirror, and find out for yourself. I know a few ladies on the other hand that can make sipping through a straw look pretty sexy.

*It takes 827 licks to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop (hey, what do you want from me? I was a fat kid with a lot of time on my hands).

*You know those Gatorade ads where the athletes sweat in bright neon colors? Then their slogan flashes, “Gatorade. Is it in you?” If it’s going to make my sweat bright blue or purple, I don’t want it in me.

*I’ve saved about $450 in haircuts since I started cutting my own hair. I’ve also gotten many more compliments on the faux-hawk than I did on other haircuts.

*Nothing beats a Bud? In what competition, worst beer imaginable?

*It’s been said that guys who drive big expensive, flashy cars are over compensating for a small penis. Not only do I not have any car at all, I don’t even have a bike. I walk everywhere. Draw your own conclusions.

*I have a male friend who lactates. I discovered this at a wedding when he decided to amuse guests by milking himself. I hardly liked milk when I thought it only came from cows and women. I like it even less now.

*If gummy bears ever came to life and could fart, I bet it would smell really good.

*Do you think that if I left pot-brownies for Santa, he’d put me on the naughty list?

*It looks like Dick Cheney’s daughter might be pregnant. You know the child was conceived out of wedlock. I guess Dick and his Christian buddies will have to take her hunting.

*They need to bring back the peanut doughnut.

2005:

BREAKIN THE LAW, BREAKIN THE LAW
A few months ago I was in the car on the way to Willow Grove (an area in the suburbs of Philadelphia). I was passing through the town of Glenside, driving down a large hill with a light at the bottom. As I neared the light, it turned yellow and I proceeded through it, as one does with a yellow light (well everyone except my mother who would come to a screeching halt). Within a few seconds a cop pulled out behind me, threw his lights on, and pulled me over. Now I'm sure there wasn't something more pressing for this officer to be doing at the moment, like say, preventing a crime, but he thought it was necessary to pull me over so I obliged. I still had no idea why he had pulled me over when he approached the car. He asked for my license and registration, both of which I provided. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" The officer asked. Sure I knew why he pulled me over. He had a raging hard-on for exerting power. Chances are he took his copy of my ticket home that night and jerked off to it. "I have no idea officer," I calmly replied. "No idea?" he inquired. Uh, did I stutter? You asked me, I said I had no idea, was that unclear? "No idea," I reiterated. Obviously he was confused, had I used a big word by mistake? He looked at me over the top of his bad-ass police issued sunglasses. "Have you ever heard of a red light before?" Look asshole, I just handed you my license, I've been driving for 11 years and have never received a ticket before. Do you think I've heard of a red light? Have you heard of a fucking doughnut? "Yes I've heard of a red light before," I informed Sergeant Obvious. "Well you just ran one," he countered. Was he trying to use the jedi mind trick on me? The force was strong with this one. I wasn't buying it. I kindly informed him that, contrary to his belief, I had not run the red light. He once again informed me that I had. This went back and forth for a few minutes at which point he returned to his car for several minutes, and then returned to mine, ticket in hand. I was informed that I was being issued a ticket for running a red light (I mean he'd been gone several minutes, obviously in his mind that was enough time for me to totally forget why I had been pulled over) and told me I was free to go. Surprised that someone with his mental capacity could ever write out a ticket, I took a minute to look it over. I had indeed been charged 30$ for running a red-light, another 25$ for the Glenside firefighters' widow's fund, another 25$ I decided to fight the ticket. I won.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
The FCC (created to protect free speech) is trying to prohibit the use of the word “fuck” on HBO now. Thank you religious zealots! Not only can they not say fuck on network TV, or cable TV, but now they want to block it from premium TV too? How much do I have to pay to be allowed to hear someone say FUCK? Fuck! What all these morons forget is (and listen up so you don't miss this) Television and Radio both come with an off switch!! That's right people, if they are going to say FUCK on TV and you don't want to hear it, you're allowed to turn your TV off. But please, stop trying to keep it off of my TV because I don't fucking care how many fucking times they wanna fucking say fuck. OK? Thank you.

01/06/10:

FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!
I enjoyed taking a look at a few current events as well as a look back at the past several years (during December and January) and I hope you all did too. As the Spoon moves into the fifth year I am planning big things! These include “Spoon, Full of Truth” sponsored events, merchandise, advertising, and expanded sections to showcase my artwork and comedy. In order to make these dreams a reality, I have added a “DONATE” button that can be found at the very bottom of the page (and also on the left hand side at the bottom of the archives). If you could find it in your heart to make a donation in any amount (I know times are tough) it would help usher in a new era of truth here at the Spoon. Please continue to share this site with as many people as you can. It's the responsible thing to do. I wish you all a very happy New Year, filled with hope, health, wealth, happiness, and above all, truth. See you soon, and Thank You, straight from the Spoon!

POST THANKSGIVING THOUGHTS AND LEFT-OVERS

2009-11-30T15:15:00.019-05:00

LET’S CYBER
Today is Cyber Monday which is retailers’ online version of Black Friday. Why does the holiday shopping season take an extra three days to kick off online? Because many people who have internet at their job do not have access at home. That means that work productivity should be very low today as people sit at their desks, pretending to look busy, and shop for the best online deals. If you want to join in you can go to: http://www.cybermonday.com/... just remember to keep an eye out for your boss.

STATE (DINNER) OF SECURITY
It looks like the fallout will begin today as members of the House demand answers to how Michaele and Tareq Salahi were able to gain access to the state dinner at the White House this past Thursday. The couple, who were uninvited, somehow made it through Secret Service check points even though their names did not appear on the guest list. They were photographed speaking with President Obama as well as the Prime Minister of India. The couple is now trying to parlay their infamous party-crash into paid interviews on several networks as well as a reality series. Can you imagine this taking place during the Bush years? Could you imagine if two African Americans tried to crash one of Dubya’s state dinners? They would have been called terrorists and shipped off to Gitmo before the first course. The fact that these two media-whores were able to get access to the President leads me to believe that many Secret Service agents will be looking for a new job come 2010. Criminal charges may also be brought against the Salahis.

THE PIG THAT STOLE CHRISTMAS
With the flu and swine flu running rampant through the U.S., Santa might be carrying more than a sack of presents this holiday season. If you allow your kid to sit on Santa’s lap at the local mall in the coming weeks, you might want to tell them to add a few things to their holiday wish list.
“Okay honey, just remember that in addition to your electronic hamster and Nintendo Wii that you tell Santa that you want a jumbo bottle of Purel and some H1N1 vaccine, wear these rubber gloves, and try not to let him breath on you…”
It is estimated that the flu bug can live for up to eight hours on Old St. Nick’s suit so if you see one of the boys or girls ahead of you in line sneezing on Santa, you might want to wait until he’s had a wardrobe change and send your kid over to pet Rudolph instead.

HOT JESUS
He’s baaaaack.
“Hi, I’m Jesus Christ. You may remember me from my past appearances on toast in South Carolina, a truck in Tennessee, and even on that dog’s ass in Los Angeles (http://www.getbehindjesus.net/). This holiday season please come witness my spender as I travel to Metheun, Massachusetts for a limited engagement on Mary Jo Coady’s steam iron. Nothing gets those tough wrinkles out of your favorite pleated slacks like some good old fashioned Christ love.”
I get it; times are tough and people will see what they want to see. For this woman who was recently separated from her husband and had her work hours cut, she needed a sign that thing would be okay…and she found one…on the bottom of her iron (according to the AP, she now intends to keep the holy iron in a closet and will purchase a new one). Mrs. Coady’s two college aged daughters agreed that the image resembles that of their lord and savior and is proof that “he’s listening”.
Dear Jesus, if you’re out there, and can hear me…please give me a sign…your likeness, on the brown residue on the underside of my iron for all to see and bear witness to, is all that I ask for.

BEERLY AFFORDABLE
What do you get for the beer drinker who has everything? Thanks to Jim Koch, founder and owner of Boston Beer Co. (which produces Sam Adams) you can now buy them a bottle of the world’s strongest beer, Utopias. Banned in thirteen states because it exceeds the legal alcohol content for beer, Utopias weighs in at an unheard of 27 percent alcohol by volume (about five times higher than your average beer). This wonder beer, which is anything but simple to produce, will have a limited release of 10,000 bottles. You can forget about picking up a case for your holiday party. Each bottle, made to look like a tiny copper and ceramic brew kettle, will set you back $150.

SPORTS IN SHORT
-The Yankees won a 27th World Championship beating my Philadelphia Phillies 4-2. Money might not be able to buy love, but it can buy World Series rings.
-The New Jersey Nets are tied for the worst start in NBA history opening their season with 17 straight losses.
-The BCS bowl games will be announced this coming Sunday and the Subdivision playoffs kicked off this past weekend with all four CAA teams winning.
-The Big East is hands down the best conference in Men’s College Basketball. You can check out my Villanova articles at www.bleacherreport.com/villanova-basketball
-The Philadelphia 76ers are actually considering bringing back Allen Iverson. Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
-According to the AP, Notre Dame has fired Coach Charlie Weis after five seasons.
-Philadelphia could potentially host a World Cup game in 2018/2022.

ARTSY DECEMBER TO REMEMBER
There is lots of exciting stuff going on for me this December. For the third year in a row I will have art work on display in Philadelphia City Hall. You can check out the exhibit of the National Arts Program starting December 17th 2009. It runs until February 19th, 2010.
My photos and paintings will be available for sale the weekend of December 12th and 13th at the Mt. Airy Art Garage (http://www.mtairyartgarage.org/) where I will be displaying my work at a juried weekend market for fine art. It runs from 10-6 both days.
Finally, two of my photographs will be auctioned off December 19th to benefit “Toys For Tots” at a uslounges.com charity event being held at Vango Lounge & Skybar. It’s a great cause I encourage all of you in the area to attend (see flier below).

NEVER TOO OLD TO BE SPOON FED
Next month the Spoon, Full of Truth will celebrate four years of bringing you news and information in a way no other publication does. Please check back in December for a look ahead to next year and a look back at some of my favorite stories from the past four years. Forwarding the Spoon to your friends and family is a great way to make them feel warm and loved this holiday season. We all know that sharing means caring. Speaking of sharing, as I look to expand the Spoon in the coming year I will be accepting donations from readers to help in my cause (advertising, sponsorship of events, etc). If you can make a donation in any amount it would be greatly appreciated and you can use the "donate" Pay Pal button located on the left side of the page below the archives or at the very bottom of the page under all of the posts. Thank you in advance! You keep reading 'em, I'll keep writing 'em. Check back soon, to get more truth, straight from the Spoon!

HALLOWEEN HEALTH CARE SCARE

2009-10-28T13:57:00.012-05:00

HEALTH CARE AND THE PUBLIC OPT-OUT-TION
As we often do in America, we’ve waited for months and months to get some definitive news from Washington and it seems like that time has finally come…sort of. The new proposed “universal” health care plan would include a public option, but individual states would be able to opt out of accepting it. A public option means that a government-run insurance alternative will be offered as an alternative to private insurance. States that choose to opt out will keep their health care markets completely privatized. A government alternative would allow for volume bases discounts for health insurance because the insurance companies would always have competition. This does not make the insurance companies happy. Meanwhile, it is giving liberals reason to celebrate.
An “opt out” clause is a victory for the people. Past studies have proven that if people (and government officials) have to opt in, they become lazy and often take no action. This also holds true for opting out. If the bill had included a public option but required states to opt in to include the public option, it is very likely that far fewer states would have wound up with a public option versus the way the bill was presented now (with an opt out clause). It is always more likely that a state will choose not to act. In this case, choosing not to act (opting out) would mean a public option and benefits the people who live there. Well played Harry Reid.
The real interesting part comes now. What will individual states do? If a state government chooses to opt out of the public option what message will they be sending to the residents of that state? How will politicians from the red states balance their loyalty towards the insurance company lobbyists that helped get them elected with their responsibility to properly represent their constituents? In conservative states like Texas, Arizona, and Louisiana it is feasible that government officials that want to separate themselves from Obama and liberal Washington would choose to opt out (despite the fact that their states have some of the highest rates of uninsured Americans in the country). All it takes is a few ambitious politicians who want to pad their war chests with insurance lobbyist money to turn things bad for an entire state. Imagine the fall out from a state opting out of a public option and hundreds of thousands of people being forced to move to a state where the elected officials are actual thinking of helping others and not themselves. This would come into play for businesses as well. If a small or large business can get much cheaper rates for their employees in a state with the public option, why would they ever stay in a state without it?
There will also be a great social experiment taking place through all of this health care reform. What will every day Americans accept from their elected officials. If a state chooses to opt out of the public option will the residents become so enraged that they rally to oust those officials from office at the next election, or will they continue to maintain the status quo of allowing politicians to make decisions that benefit themselves and the lobbies they represent while harming those that voted for them? Only time will tell. It may be a bit of a bumpy ride, but I think the train is finally headed in the right direction.

LOVE HANDLE EFFECTS

Medications prescribed to children and teens to treat symptoms of bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, autism, attention deficit disorders, and other behavior problems are weighing heavily on those who take them, literally. According to the Associated Press, a recent study conducted by the North Shore-Long Island Jewish Health System (in Glen Oaks, N.Y.) of 205 New York City-area children (from 4 to 19 years old) who had recently been prescribed one of four drugs (Abilify, Risperdal, Seroquel and Zyprexa) found that depending on which of four study drugs children used, they gained between about 10 and 20 pounds on average in just 11 weeks; from 10 percent to 36 percent of the children became obese.
"Sometimes this stuff just happens like an explosion. You can actually see them grow between appointments," said Dr. Christopher Varley, a psychiatrist with Seattle Children's Hospital who called the study "sobering."
Unless you find overweight children intoxicating, I don’t see how you could disagree.
This raises quite a large problem, and an even larger problem child.
Because these drugs can reduce severe psychiatric symptoms in troubled children, "We're a little bit between a rock and a hard place," said lead author of the study Dr. Christoph Correll.
What is worse; a child who can’t pay attention in class or a kid whose classmates pay too much attention to the weight he’s gaining? What’s more damaging for a child, violent mood swings or violent shifts in his physical appearance?
With over 2 million children using these four drugs in our country annually, it is important to understand what is going on here.
The exact reason that these drugs cause weight gain is uncertain but there's some evidence that they increase appetite and they may affect how the body metabolizes sugar, according to Jeff Bishop, a psychiatric pharmacist at the University of Illinois at Chicago. The drugs also can have a sedation effect that can make users less active.
As if kids suffering from these conditions and their parents didn’t have enough to worry about already without adding rapid weight gain to the mix. Step up science! How about a side effect that makes kids better at math or more agile on the basketball court? Let me guess…fat chance.

SMOKING WON’T LAND YOU IN THE JOINT; DOCTORS ORDERS
Patients prescribed marijuana for medical purposes and their licensed suppliers "will not be a priority" of federal prosecutors in states that have legalized the practice, the Justice Department said recently.
That means if you’ve got headaches (or another approved condition) and your doctor gives you the “green” light, go ahead and spark up that bong…the feds won’t be knocking down your door anytime soon.
According to NPR, a three-page memo was released from the Justice Department. Prosecutors "should not focus federal resources in your states on individuals whose actions are in clear and unambiguous compliance with existing state laws providing for the medical use of marijuana," the memo said.
The memo was sent to federal prosecutors in 14 states that allow at least limited use of medically sanctioned marijuana and to top officials at the FBI and Drug Enforcement Administration.
The memo did urge prosecutors to pursue marijuana cases that involve violence, the illegal use of firearms, selling to minors, money-laundering or involvement in other crimes.
The change in policy is a shift from the Bush administration, when prosecutors arrested medical marijuana distributors in California even though some of them were operating legally under state law.
(Score Card:
Bush’s war on Marijuana…the winner: Marijuana
Bush’s war in Iraq…the winner: Islamic militant groups
Bush’s war on terror…the winner: no winner possible.)
California's laws are the most permissive. Thirteen other states allow some use of marijuana for medical purposes: Alaska, Colorado, Hawaii, Maine, Maryland, Michigan, Montana, Nevada, New Mexico, Oregon, Rhode Island, Vermont and Washington.
We all know that Bush wanted to expand executive power to allow him to run the country like a king, but could it be that the United States of America, which was founded on the power of the states to govern is actually headed back in that direction under Obama? States will now have the right to make medical marijuana decisions on their own, they will soon be allowed to make the decision about a public option for health insurance on their own, and many have already adopted policies on gay marriage and civil unions. While many states have next to nothing in common with one another, it looks like we may still indeed be the United States of America; united by the freedom each state has to make its own decisions and policies.

PHILADELPHIA > NEW YORK
The Phillies are the defending World Champions of baseball. In the NLDS we rocked Denver. In the NLCS, we put another Loss in Los Angeles. Now, on the eve of the World Series, New York actually thinks they have a shot. This week in the New York Post, an article said of Philadelphia, “their fans are second rate, and so is their city”. A picture of Shane Victorino in skirt was published along with it and they called our team “The Frillies”. I wonder how many hours their top-notch writers took to come up with that horribly uncreative nickname. If it was more than thirty seconds, that’s just weak sauce.
Here are a few things to consider...
*The house that Ruth built is no more. The Yankees are now attempting to win with pitchers like Andy Pettitte and hitters like A-Rod. Yankee Stadium is now officially the “house that roids built”.
*The Phillies all-star center fielder, the one that New York decided to picture in a skirt and laugh about, owns C.C. Sabathia. The Brewers thought they could beat us last season by buying Sabathia and Victorino hit a grand slam off of him. Result: Brewers lost.
*The Yankees will lose their number five hitter Hideki Matsui for the games in Philadelphia because there is no D.H. and he is too broken down to play in the field. They will also lose catcher Jorge Posada for any games in which prima donna A.J. Burnett pitches because he’s sensitive and he needs his own personal catcher. The Phillies eighth hitter Carlos “Choochtober” Ruiz is batting over .400. Our line-up is the best in baseball without a D.H. When we get to bat for our pitchers too, look out, we’re going to bomb the Bronx.
*Philadelphia has the Eagles. Any first rate city has a football team. New York has none. They simply claim both of New Jersey’s football teams as their own. Any city from another state that tries to claim part of Jersey as being theirs is low enough to look up at “second rate” cities (surprisingly, with how pathetic the Knicks are, New York doesn’t try to claim the Nets who play right next door to the Giants and Jets).
*The Yankees may have more World Championships than the Phillies in total, but this is a “what have you done for me lately” sports world, and when was the last time they won a title let alone New York City won anything in any sport? (Remember, the Giants play in New Jersey).
*On Saturday, Phillies fans will get a treat while Yankees fans will realize they are all a bunch of tricks.
*New York can call us a second rate city with second rate fans all they want because they’ll be the city with a second place parade for their second place rings.
*The Philadelphia Phillies will repeat. New York can Yank These.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN
I hope everyone has a happy (and safe) Halloween this year. Pass the Spoon around to your friends and co-workers. It’s a great treat that’s sure not to rot your teeth. Feel free as always to leave comments and share your thoughts and feelings on the topics above. Yes, even Yankees fans have the right to voice their wrong opinions. Thanks for reading and check back soon, to get your truth right from The Spoon.

THIS TRUTH IS ON FIRE

2009-09-11T17:37:00.014-05:00

REMEMBERING THE HAVARDCAUST

Recently named for the second straight year as the No. 1 School in U.S. News & World Report rankings of American colleges, Harvard is known for its rigorous scholarly standards and prestigious reputation.

On Tuesday, however, The Harvard Crimson, in what it said was an error, ran an advertisement questioning the legitimacy of the Holocaust. The ad, paid for by Holocaust denier Bradley R. Smith and his Committee for Open Debate on the Holocaust, was said to have been rejected by the paper over the summer.

According to CNN, Crimson President Maxwell L. Child, in response to the commotion created by the ad, released a statement Wednesday citing three weeks of summer vacation between the submission of the advertisement and the publication of the paper as the explanation for why the ad "fell through the cracks."

That’s the best that Maxwell Child could come up with? Three weeks of summer vacation? Oh I’m sorry that I didn’t pay my taxes this year I.R.S., I was just on spring break for three weeks and I guess they just “fell through the cracks”.

It gets better. "We want to stress that we do not endorse the views put forth in any advertisement that runs in The Crimson, and this case was no different," Child said in a letter to Crimson readers. "We will work hard to avoid such lapses in communication in the future, and hope our readers will accept that yesterday's error was a logistical failure and not a philosophical one."

They don’t endorse the ads but they might want to be a little more careful about what slips through the cracks. If I were Yale or Brown, I’d be sending in my “Harvard Sucks!” advertisements into the Crimson right after winter vacation. The Crimson won’t endorse the message, but maybe they’ll run it anyway. Today’s anniversary would be the perfect time for Osama Bin Laden to send in his ad questioning whether 9/11 really happened.

I’m not the only skeptic. Robert Trestan, civil rights counsel for the Anti-Defamation League of New England, said Bradley R. Smith and his hate organization have placed ads in approximately fifteen college papers around the country so far this year. He said he finds it shocking that such an advertisement would fall through the cracks, as Child said it did.

Not only did the ad run on Tuesday, but Child has said in his statement that they intend to return the money from the pulled advertisement! Really?! That’s your move? I say donate it to a group that educates people on the horrors of the holocaust. If you return it, they’ll just use it to run more hate ads in other papers.

It is widely accepted that approximately 5.7 million of Europe's 7.3 million Jews perished during the World War 2. In total, historians say, between 11 million and 17 million people were killed by the Nazi regime, including religious and political opponents, ethnic Poles, Romani, Jehovah's Witnesses, Soviet civilians and prisoners of war, homosexuals and people with disabilities.

Yet people today still question the validity of the Holocaust? Is Smith’s next move to run ads suggesting that the Earth really is flat and that the moon is made of cheese?

You’d think the first ranked school in the nation would have heard of proof reading. Sometimes it’s not enough to just run grammar and spell checker; there is obviously a need for “moronic hate theories” checker as well.

HOUSE FIRE
According to comments made by Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC) on the floor of the House of Representatives on Wednesday, President Obama's pants are on fire. Obama quickly denied the flaming allegations.

Wilson’s outburst of “You lie!” came during President Obama’s address to the House on health care reform. It was in response to a comment by the President that said extending health care to all Americans who seek it would not mean insuring illegal immigrants.

This kind of behavior does not take place on the House floor. Then again, we have never had a black president before.

The AP reports that Wilson's official biography lists him as a member of the Sons of Confederate Veterans. As a state senator, he voted against a bill to remove the Confederate flag from atop the South Carolina Statehouse and move it to a monument on the capitol grounds.

"I'm proud of it and I don't want it to be made fun of or put down by people who don't understand Southern heritage," he said during months of debate on the issue in 2000.

Southern heritage is also known as racism. The main sticking point between the Union and the Confederacy during the Civil War was whether or not slavery should continue. The southern states wanted to keep slavery (many still do) and the northern ones felt it was wrong. The Confederate flag stands for slavery.

But please don’t put down or make fun of Joe Wilson. You just don’t understand.

Personally I’d like to send Joe Wilson and Bradley R. Smith off to a remote island where they can sit around on the beach and masturbate to the Confederate and Nazi flags. Although they might get into a scuffle over whether the best way to deal with black people is to kill them or enslave them. If only Michael Vick had the forethought to fight and kill idiots and not dogs, it would have solved so many problems. Glenn Beck vs. Bill O’Reilly makes a great main event.

Do you smell that? It’s not Obama’s pants burning; that’s the smell of Democrats to the rescue! And they don’t think that Wilson’s private apology to the President is sufficient.

Brendan Daly, a spokesman for House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, said today that party leaders have decided they will likely move forward with a resolution of disapproval against Wilson if he doesn't apologize to Congress.

I have two thoughts for the Democrats.
1) Great idea! Another distraction from passing decent health care legislation is just what this country needs! Can the liberals get a little help from Ken Starr?
2) A resolution of disapproval sounds like a stellar idea! Why don’t you just call his mother and tell on him? I can just picture her standing next to her son on the House floor, “Now Joey, you tell the Representatives that you’re sorry.”
Even better, why don’t you just give him a five minute “time-out” in the corner (on the liberal side of the aisle)?

Can you imagine what would have happened if a Democrat cried out “You lie!” at George Bush during one of his addresses on weapons of mass destruction? I doubt they would have “likely moved forward” on a resolution of disapproval. It’s more likely they would have sent him straight to Guantanamo and executed him for treason under Patriot Act (or at least sent him on a mandatory “proper conduct” hunting retreat with Dick Cheney).

President Obama, why don’t you just prove to all of us that Joe Wilson is full of it and that you aren’t a liar? I have two words for you: public option.

T.G.I.F.
The Steelers beat the Titans with an overtime field goal in Thursday night’s NFL kick off game. I just had one thought when I woke up this morning, T.G.I.F; Thank God it’s Football. I love baseball, especially now that my Phillies are the defending World Champions (and they will defend their crown) but after a long summer of nothing but America’s past-time, I’m ready to mix in a little NFL.

Now that the Phillies broke the seal on Philadelphia’s title drought, the Eagles (who returned to the NFC Championship game last year and have made several upgrades on offense) are poised to win their first Super Bowl. Sadly our brilliant defensive coordinator Jim Johnson passed away over the summer but his legacy will live on.

It would have been too much for Philly fans to handle both a World Series and Super Bowl victory last season, but this year, two titles will be twice as nice. I’m calling it now.

**In other sports news Michael Jordan was elected into the Basketball Hall of Fame today, reminding us all that while there is no “I” in team, there is definitely an “I” in win.

9/11: A CHILDREN'S TALE
Today marks the eight year anniversary of George Bush successfully reading, in its entirety, “The Pet Goat” with a classroom full of second graders. The book, a challenging read for the former President, is about a goat that eats everything in its path. When the parents of the little girl, to whom the goat belongs, try to get rid of it, the girl comes to its defense. In the end, the goat prevents a robbery and is hailed as a hero.

It’s a great story.

I think my favorite part is when Dubya was informed that a plane had hit the World Trade Centers and decided to stay put, because when George Bush starts a children’s book, damn it, he finishes it! How’s that for resolve terrorists?

On a serious note, I would like to take a minute to remember the almost 3,000 innocent trade center workers, employees, cops, and firefighters who lost their lives that day in the terrorist attacks. Let us also acknowledge the countless innocent U.S. soldiers and Iraqi citizens who have perished since we started a pointless war there in 2003; because nothing memorializes the loss of innocent lives like the loss of far more innocent lives.

CIAO FOR NOW
Thanks for reading another truth-filled edition of The Spoon. The truth really suits you; you wear it resoundingly well. Just remember, when if comes to the Truth, if the Spoon feeds it, you should eat it.

SPOON, NOW WITH 20% MORE TRUTH!

2009-08-18T14:01:00.012-05:00

I’M NO FOOL, YOU CAN’T ECONOMY (OUT OF MY MONEY)
Corporations are always making themselves out to be something they are not. The economy is in shambles and money is tight so I thought it would be fun to remove the smoke and mirrors and present a few companies with ad slogans that are a little more in line with their actual target audience and the way they conduct business. Each company's actual ad slogan is listed after the company title. The slogan in blue is the new slogan I've made up for that brand (along with a little blurb about it). I hope you enjoy the Spoon, Full of Truth corporate unmasking.

Burger King-- "HAVE IT YOUR WAY"
"Have it your way...Fat boy"
*With the recent trend of other fast-food chains getting healthier (KFC is going grilled, McDonald's has lower calorie/fat options as does Wendy's and Chick-Fil-A) Burger King continues to offer high calorie, high fat foods (like our mega-fatty breakfast omelet sandwich). At Burger King, we don't care if you're fat. So you’re a fatty, why go somewhere that makes you feel bad about it? You want a 2 Lb. Burger with extra cheese and a large fries? The King says come to Burger King and have it your way, fat boy.

Maybelline--
"MAYBE SHE'S BORN WITH IT, MAYBE IT'S MAYBELLINE"
"Maybe she's born with it, maybe you're not"
*We've all seen the beautiful women in make-up advertisements but let's face it...those women, are born with it. They don't need Maybelline to look pretty, they just need their natural beauty. On the other-hand, you probably need to cake on a nice layer of foundation, some eye liner, lip-stick, blush, eye shadow, cover-up, and lip gloss just to have a shot at getting picked up by some overweight, drunk med-student in a dimly lit bar. Maybe she's born with it. You're definitely not. Cover up that mess of a face with Maybelline.

Taco Bell--
“THINK OUTSIDE THE BUN”
“Because smoking pot is like beer goggles for food”
*Remember the other night when you got a little too drunk at that dimly lit bar and took home what you thought was a hot, young co-ed, only to realize the next morning that once she washed off all that Maybelline she was about as appealing as hand-job from Edward Scissorhands? Taco Bell, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Taco Bell, when your desire to be full outweighs the need to know what you’re consuming. We take crap, wrapped in more crap, cover it in three kinds of crap, surround it with a crunchy layer of crap and grill it (so you can eat it with one hand)…Taco Bell, make a run for the bathroom.

Hooters--
"DELIGHTFULLY TACKY, YET UNREFINED"
"TITTIES, food, beer, TITTIES, televisions, and TITTIES"
*At Hooters, our wings are second only to our breasts. This month only, save 10% when you can complete your entire order without breaking eye contact with your waitress. Everything is better when it’s served by a girl with big tits in a tight shirt and little shorts. Would you rather have your doctor break the news to you that you were dying from cancer, or have a bubbly twenty-two year old in a skin-tight tank-top do it? Our wings are so good, they’ll make your mouth water (at least that’s what you can tell your girlfriend when she catches you drooling).

Capital One—
“WHAT’S IN YOUR WALLET?”
“Our card in your wallet, your money in our pocket”
*What’s in your wallet? We know it’s not your money because that’s in OUR wallet. Whatever…we do what we want. Do you hear that? That’s the sound of us lowering your credit score. Good luck getting a mortgage or an auto loan now. Oh, and while you were reading this, we just raised your interest rates.

Black and Decker--
"IDEAS AT WORK"
“Labor not included”
*Your ideas for those great home improvements are hard at work, now if you could only get your contractors to get off their asses and do something productive. Don’t you wish that you got to take seven hours for lunch? Four out of five contractors who sit around doing nothing all day THINK about using Black and Decker tools. Black and Decker: ideas at work.

Domino's Pizza--
"GET THE DOOR. IT'S DOMINO'S"
“Hey lazy-ass, it’s your turn to make dinner”
*It’s your turn to make dinner again and your lazy ass didn’t think ahead. Now it’s almost 6PM, the kids are cranky, your husband will be home any minute, and there aren’t even any leftovers in the fridge. Domino’s to the rescue! Sure, our pizza tastes like crap and yes, we do support radical pro-life groups…but, we also deliver. Knock, Knock. Who's there? Shitty Pizza. Oh, someone get the door, it's Domino's!

Walmart--
"ALWAYS LOW PRICES. ALWAYS"
"If it's cheap enough, who cares where it came from?"
*At Walmart, we don't waste money like other companies do on silly things like health care for our employees and it really shows in the savings we pass along to our customers. So most of the stuff we sell was made in a sweat-shop...I have one word for you: Rollback. Come to Walmart, and walk the line between morals and great prices!

Angel Soft (toilet paper)--
"ANGEL SOFT. COMFORT WHERE YOU WANT IT"
"Because that ass is heavenly"
*That’s right! We are now a specialty toilet paper brand that only caters to those women who have angelic asses. Your behind is heavenly, why dishonor it by wiping with some run-of-the-mill terrestrial 1-ply? Imagine yourself in a disgusting port-a-potty with a terrible odor and crap all over the place. Now picture a glowing soft roll of Angel Soft hanging there just beckoning to be used; a little slice of heaven, in a place that smells like hell. Angel Soft, it’s some heavenly shit.

Delta Airlines--
"WE LOVE TO FLY AND IT SHOWS"
"You have no other way to get there, so you’re fucked!"
*You have a 9am business meeting in London. How else are you going to get there? Swim? At Delta, we know you don’t have a choice. You have to fly, and we’ll be here to nickel and dime you every step of the way. Want a meal? $20. Want a blanket or pillow? $5. Hell, we might even start charging you to use the reading light or the restroom. Don’t like it? Good luck finding a better deal with one of our competitors. Delta: bend over and take it.

Ford—“WHY FORD? WHY NOW? WHY NOT?”
“Because indecisiveness is sexy”
*Sure there are lots of car companies you could choose from, but that takes time. Why waste hours and hours researching which car company is the best fit for you? Why not just pick Ford? We might be better than the rest, we might not. But we certainly haven’t done anything to make you lose all faith in us and we think that’s good enough. Ford…you might as well pick us because you can’t think of a decent reason not to.

M&M’s—“MELT IN YOUR MOUTH, NOT IN YOUR HAND”
“What are waiting for? Grow a backbone and eat some already!”
*……

DON’T BE BLUE, IT’S JUST A LITTLE LIMP
First researchers discovered Viagra, a little blue pill that prevents penises from going limp. Now it looks as if they have discovered a little blue candy pill that may cause limps.
According to CNN, new research shows that the same blue food dye found in M&Ms and Gatorade could be used to reduce damage caused by spine injuries, offering a better chance of recovery.
Researchers at the University of Rochester Medical Center found that when they injected the compound Brilliant Blue G (BBG) into rats suffering spinal cord injuries, the rodents were able to walk again.
The only side effect was that the treated mice temporarily turned blue. Could you imagine if every time a guy took Viagra he got a healthy erection but he turned blue during sex? I bet that would really do it for ladies with a Smurf fetish.
The results of the BBG study were published in the "Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.
The rats given BBG injections into their IV immediately after their injury could walk again with a limp. In this case, unlike with Viagra, the limp is an improvement. The rats that didn't receive a dose never regained their mobility.
Researchers say it could be several years before their findings lead to a practical application for BBG in humans.
They also stress the treatment is designed to reduce the secondary damage that is caused immediately after the injury.
"Our hope is that this work will lead to a practical, safe agent that can be given to patients shortly after injury, for the purpose of decreasing the secondary damage that we have to otherwise expect," said Steven Goldman, Chair of the University of Rochester Department of Neurology.
The researchers say more testing is needed to assess the safety of BBG before human clinical trials could begin. In the meantime, humans will just have to stick to eating green M&M’s to make them horny.

NOT TONIGHT HONEY, I’M NOT TIRED ENOUGH
A few big yawns and you’re ready to head off to bed. But contrary to popular belief, it’s not to get some sleep. Yawning is actually a sign of arousal, according to what neuroscientist and yawning expert Robert Provine, M.D. reported to MSNBC.
Most commonly associated with feeling sleepy, yawning results in the stretching of muscles and joints as well as an increased heart rate, which may mean it’s the body's way of preparing for increased activity, especially resting. Provine told MSNBC, "[A yawn] serves a number of functions but a common feature in all is that it is associated with a change of state, a shift, say, from sleep to wakefulness, wakefulness to sleep." This can certainly apply to sex, which is typically more strenuous than preceding foreplay.
The exact cause of yawning is still fairly mysterious, but there are a multitude of possible explanations. If you’re in bed with your partner and they begin to yawn, you won’t know whether they have the urge to yawn because their body is preventing their lungs from collapsing, they’re subconsciously communicating the need for rest, or they’re feeling feisty. However, if you’re already involved in a little foreplay, the latter is a strong possibility.
Yawning has also said to be contagious so why not skip the chocolates, flowers, oysters, and Spanish Fly, and just let a few yawns rip the next time you’re trying to seduce that special someone. Maybe that’s just what it’ll take to get them in the mood. Or perhaps you’ll put them to sleep but life is all about taking chances so I say, go for it!

CASH FOR CLUNKERS, MONEY FOR MATRIMONY
A few weeks ago, the House of Representatives voted to rush $2 billion into the popular but financially strapped "cash for clunkers" car purchase program.
The bill was approved on a vote of 316-109.
The program was set up to boost U.S. auto sales and help struggling automakers through the worst sales slump in more than a quarter-century. Sales for the first half of the year were down 35 percent from the same period in 2008, and analysts are predicting only a modest recovery during the second half of the year.
Called the Car Allowance Rebate System, or CARS, the program is designed to help the economy and the environment by spurring new car sales. Car owners can receive federal subsidies of up to $4,500 for trading in their old cars for new ones that achieve significantly higher gas mileage.
How great would this be if it could be applied to spouses? Imagine if the government would pay you several thousand dollars for divorcing your over-the-hill wife in favor of one with far less “miles” on her?
“Are you stuck with a lemon for a wife? She used to be cherry and run great but within the last several years she’s had some body damage and simply isn’t the same appealing ride she used to be. Why not trade her in now for a new updated model? Under the government’s new Cash for Wives system (WARS) there’s never been a better time to get that divorce! Your kids will be the envy of all their friends when you pick them up at school with their brand new mother. Don’t keep wasting your hard-earned money trying to fix up the old clunker. Classic cars can only be taken out on weekends, during daylight hours. With classic wives, you only want to take them out on weeknights once it’s dark out. Where’s the fun in that? Head down to City Hall today and apply for your rebate!”

WATCH OUT EAST COAST LADIES, BILL HAS HIS “EYE” ON YOU
As reported by Reuters, Hurricane Bill, the first hurricane of the 2009 Atlantic season, headed west-northwest over the open ocean on Tuesday, but it was uncertain whether it could threaten the northeast U.S. coast by Sunday.
Named after former President Clinton, (Hurricane) Bill threatens to have women flustered by the end of the weekend, damaging hearts, dresses, and trees in its’ wake.
The U.S. National Hurricane Center said Bill, which late on Monday turned into a Category 2 hurricane packing winds of nearly 100 miles per hour (160 km per hour), was expected to strengthen further on a curving path that would keep it far from land in the next few days. That’s right ladies, it’s more curved than straight.
It posed no threat to the U.S. Gulf oil-producing area. Hurricane Bill doesn’t waste time picking up petroleum based products, it’ll get you wet enough as it is.
Bill was expected to become a Category 3 hurricane on the Saffir-Simpson 1 to 5 scale of intensity in the coming days, and the NHC forecast it would make a gradual turn to the northwest on Wednesday.
Some forecasting models appeared to show Bill eventually turning away from the northeast U.S. coast. He’s heading for you east coast gals but as quickly as he comes, he’ll be leaving you high and dry.

IS OBAMA BARACKING DOWN ON HEALTH CARE REFORM?
While President Obama is certainly a step up from the Bush regime, it looks like politics as usual in Washington.
President Barack Obama has indicated a willingness to drop a government-run health care plan from any overhaul claiming that is isn’t a shift in policy. Here we go again.
Fierce proponents of a government-run health plan for months, Obama and senior administration officials, bowing to pressure from Republicans and skeptical voters, suggested that such a public option is not do-or-die. In fact for many Americans, it IS do or die. I guess it all depends on what the meaning of the word “is” is.
"All I'm saying is, though, that the public option, whether we have it or we don't have it, is not the entirety of health care reform," the president told a town hall-style audience in Grand Junction, Colo., over the weekend. "This is just one sliver of it, one aspect of it."
Why is Obama bowing to the GOP? Wasn’t the slogan of his entire campaign, “Change”?
The president has already dropped the ball with the stimulus package and the wall-street bailout. I still don’t think anyone knows where any of that money went. All I can tell you is where it didn’t go.
"I challenge you guys all to go back and see what we've said about this over the course of many, many, many, many months, and you'll find a boring consistency to our rhetoric," White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters.
Okay Gibbsy, let’s do that.
During the 2008 presidential campaign, Obama said a new public plan should offer comprehensive insurance similar to that available to federal employees. What’s that? Everyday Americans deserve the same care that the government provides itself? Radical.
Obama has said repeatedly in speeches, weekly radio and Internet addresses, and town hall meetings that he wants a health care overhaul that has a taxpayer-funded public health insurance option. He has said the plan would compete with private insurance to keep costs down. "That's why any plan I sign must include an insurance exchange: a one-stop shopping marketplace where you can compare the benefits, cost and track records of a variety of plans, including a public option to increase competition and keep insurance companies honest and choose what's best for your family," President Obama said just one month ago on July 18.
And according to the AP, in a June 3 letter to Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass., and Sen. Max Baucus, D-Mont., Obama said: "I strongly believe that Americans should have the choice of a public health insurance option operating alongside private plans. This will give them a better range of choices, make the health care market more competitive and keep insurance companies honest."
But Obama hedged this weekend in Colorado and other administration officials followed suit. This caused liberals to cry foul but the White House insisted that the rhetoric hadn't shifted. Maybe the democrats need to send gun-wielding liberals to some of his rallies. It seems to be working for the right-wing idiots.
You decide for yourself. Is this a shift or not?
"Must include" became "whether we have it or don't have it."
Certainly sounds like a shift to me. It looks like “Yes we can” has become “We probably won’t”

QUIT DOGGING MICHAEL VICK

My beloved Philadelphia Eagles signed Michael Vick to a contract this past week and you'd think the world had all but come to an end. People who didn't speak up when George Bush was destroying our economy and sending thousands of American soldiers to their deaths suddenly are offended. Those who didn't bat an eyelash when Phillies pitcher Brett Myers punched his wife in the face on the streets of Boston are now up in arms. Look people, Michael Vick tortured dogs. It's awful, no one is denying that. But just because the Eagles signed him does not mean that they condone animal cruelty. As I see it, it's quite the opposite. The Eagles are just giving Vick a new leash on life, a platform from which he can begin to make amends for his past transgressions. We live in a country where if you commit a crime you pay for it with jail time. Vick did that. He served his time, he lost tens of millions of dollars, and now he is being given a second chance after paying his debt to the criminal justice system. It was a risky pick-up for the Eagles. Is Vick sorry for what he did? Who knows, he might feel sorry for the dogs; he might just feel sorry for himself. This much is clear though, if he uses his second chance to help more animals than he hurt, whether he is doing it for the right reasons or not, isn't it a good thing for animals? I think so. Only time will tell if the Vick experiment was a wise one for the Eagles but in the mean time, I am happy it is the Super Bowl and not the Character Bowl...and we're winning it. You can now buy a Michael Vick jersey for your dog on the official NFL website. That's like putting a Bernie Madoff cover on your checkbook. Want to weigh in? That's what the comments section is for.

THE RUMORS OF MY RETIREMENT HAVE BEEN GREATLY EXAGGERATED
I’ve been gone for several months and I’m sure many of you thought that the Spoon was retired. Think again. I’m like the Brett Farve of the blogosphere. Just when you think I’m about to hang it up for good, I come back for another season! While the last several months concentrating of photography and stand-up comedy have been wonderful, I greatly missed bringing you the Spoon, Full of Truth so I have recommitted myself to do so. It’s time to welcome your brain cells back. They’ve been starved for truth, so let’s start feeding them again, one Spoonful at a time.

I ALSO TRIED OUT A FEW NEW JOKES ON SUNDAY NIGHT IN NEW JERSEY:

IRISH MARCH CAME TWICE A YEAR

2009-03-20T20:43:00.005-05:00

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO
The once strong relationship between former Vice President Dick Cheney and former President George Bush has apparently soured. What could have caused this? Did Cheney take Bush hunting and shoot him in the face? Did Bush leave his toys and coloring books laying around where an aging Cheney could trip over them? While either of those scenarios could easily be the cause of this feud, Cheney is reportedly "furious" that Bush declined to pardon Scooter Libby, the vice president's one-time chief of staff, who was convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice in the investigation into the leak of CIA operative Valerie Plame’s name. How dare the President not take orders from the Vice President?! Bush had already commuted Libby's 30-month prison sentence, but that wasn't enough for Cheney, according to an account in New York's Daily News. Cheney lobbied Bush extensively in the final days of the Bush White House. Bush became so exasperated that he told aides he was through discussing the matter altogether. Cheney should pick his battles; Bush commuted Scooter’s sentence. If anyone deserves to spend time in prison (aside from Bush and Cheney themselves) it is Scooter Libby, and Cheney is upset that Libby wasn’t pardoned from crimes he clearly committed? Shameful! Thank goodness we are done with the Bush-Cheney era. If only we could say the same about the affects of the Bush-Cheney era. Sadly, we will continue to live with those for a very long time.

GIRL SCOUTS SELL COOKIES, BOY SCOUTS SELL…FORRESTS?
When you think of the Boy Scouts, what is the first thing to come to mind? Although I was never a Boy Scout myself, it isn’t Jamborees or their policy of refusing to hire homosexuals that comes to mind; it’s embracing nature. According to the Boy Scouts' website, "Understanding this connection [to nature], and the impact we have upon it, is important to preserving the wilderness, as well as to our own well-being as members of the web of nature." That is why I was very surprised to learn that while the Girl Scouts have profited from the sale of cookies, the Boy Scouts have been profiting from the sale of land! A recent investigation by Hearst Newspapers showed that the Boy Scouts have sold at least 34,000 acres of land to logging corporations, allowing big business to level forests that were supposed to have been preserved for children to learn about and enjoy nature. How can you be a conservationist organization and profit from logging tens of thousands of acres at the same time? You can’t.
In addition, some of the logging in question may have violated state rules. According to the Hearst investigation, one council in Washington State permitted an area to be logged without leaving trees to protect a stream which is home to endangered salmon. This makes me a little sick to my stomach. This would be akin to the Peace Corp selling guns to warlords in order to feed those people displaced from their homes by war. It just doesn’t make sense.
I would like to award the Boy Scouts of America with the following patches:
-The Deforestation Patch
-The Corporate Sell-Out Patch, and
-The Hypocrite Patch

GOVERNMENT AND SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES FORM AN UNHOLY UNION
Many of today’s young adults are beginning to question the benefits of marriage and the federal government has taken notice. The average age for a first marriage is now almost 26 for women and 28 for men. And a growing percentage of Americans aren't marrying at all. Provisional federal statistics released recently report 7.1 marriages per 1,000 people in 2008, down from 10 per 1,000 in 1986. Faced with these numbers, the federal government is funding a $5 million national media campaign that launches this month, extolling the virtues of marriage for those ages 18 to 30. Let’s be very clear about this, our tax dollars are being spent to convince young people that marriage is a good idea. Some research suggests a great deal of benefits for those who marry, including better health, greater wealth and happiness for the couple, and improved well-being for children. This may be true for couples who marry and remain married, but what about those marriages (somewhere near 50%) that end in divorce? Is the government going to step in with $5 million to aid those suffering from the trauma of divorce? Not likely. According to William Galston of the Brookings Institution (a Washington, D.C., think tank) who served as domestic policy advisor under Bill Clinton,
"What we're talking about is a slow but steady increase in the percentage of Americans who don't intend to get married and probably won't. This trend represents a meaningful change in our society. Whether or not it constitutes a problem depends on broader, and contested, propositions about marriage in relation to the common good."
So where did the $5 million go? It was spent on ads on social networking sites Facebook and MySpace, videos on YouTube, spots on radio talk shows, ads in magazines and public transportation, and a new website (TwoOfUs.org).
While there may be benefits for long-term married couples, there are many cons for those faced with divorce. Politicians are not in the best position to understand this. How many politicians face divorce? Many of them stay married because it is what’s best for their career. They also do not face the same money problems that lead to a large number of divorces. The government has always backed marriage offering all kinds of tax break incentives. Furthermore, the marriage title allows partners to visit sick loved ones in hospitals. The list goes on and on. What about aid for those who are getting divorced? Divorce is messy. It can be expensive, traumatic, and altogether difficult. Maybe instead of encouraging young people (who are more than justified in their skepticism about marriage) to marry, the government should spend the money to make divorce easier to handle. Divorce is a fact of life these days. I think more young people would consider getting married if you showed them that there is help for a failed marriage, rather than bribed them with tax incentives. Speaking of which, I hope the marriage of the federal government and the marriage initiative soon sours and ends in divorce.

BIRD BRAINED BARTER SYSTEM
Thank you to my brother Josh for bringing the following story to my attention.
Louisiana resident and career trucker Donna Greenwell noticed a posting on a local supermarket bulletin board that a $1500 Cockatoo was being put up for sale.
A savvy businesswoman and bird advocate, Donna contacted the Romero
Family, who was selling the bird, and offered to trade two children (who she
was watching for a fugitive mother) in exchange for the Cockatoo and $175 in cash. Amazingly, the Romeros accepted!
Those poor kids, traded for a bird. They must have been terribly upset, right? Maybe not. Greenwell was a convicted pedophile with a mile long rap-sheet, so the children might have actually been happier with the Romero Family. One small problem though, The Romero family, along with Donna Greenwell were all arrested. Talk about bird brained. Good thing the Romeros are married. Maybe they can use the money they saved on their taxes to hire an attorney.

MARCH MASCOT MADNESS
March Madness is upon us. The greatest tournament in all of sports kicked off yesterday and I spent the last two days glued to the television watching all of the exciting action. I cover Villanova basketball and I attend all of their home games so I was very happy to see them come back from a fourteen point second-half deficit yesterday (you can check out the recap and a preview of tomorrow’s game vs. UCLA here: http://bleacherreport.com/articles/142069-for-villanova-midnight-comes-just-in-time-for-cinderella-american-university)
Some of the teams in the tournament have great school names and great mascots. I thought some schools could use an updated mascot with a little humor that was a little more in line with the current state of the school (or just made me chuckle) so I compiled the following top-15 list of new college mascots.

15: The Utah “Virgins”
14: The Longwood “Boners”
13: The Columbia “White-Lines”
12: The Coppin State “Dealers”
11: The Fairleigh Dickinson “Unjust Incest”
10: The Tulane “Highways”
09: The Stony Brook “Munchies”
08: The Oral Roberts “Civil Unions”
07: The UCONN “Laptops”
06: The Wright State “Two-Wrongs”
05: The Sacred Heart “Breakers”
04: The Idaho “You-Da-Pimps”
03: The William & Mary “Divorcees”
02: The Rice “Uncle Bens”
01: The Morehead State “Swallows”

If you want the latest news on Villanova's chances in the Sweet Sixteen check out: http://bleacherreport.com/articles/144677-jay-wright-and-villanova-ready-to-duke-it-out-with-coach-k/show_full

TELL THEM WHAT THEY’VE WON
If nothing else you’ve gained a few extra brain cells and the respect of your peers for reading today’s Spoon. If you really want to shine, please share this site with a few people today. You know you want to. I’d like to quickly wish a happy birthday to my father who celebrated it two weeks ago. I love you Pop. I hope everyone had a safe and enjoyable St. Patrick's Day. It was amateur hour as usual in Philly complete with several arrests and green vomit. As long as the Spoon is Full of Truth, may your brain never go hungry. Please check back soon…I’ll be waiting for you.

3RD SPOONAVERSARY

2009-01-04T18:22:00.009-05:00

HAPPY SPOONAVERSARY
A few weeks ago, The Spoon, Full of Truth celebrated its 3rd anniversary of bringing you intelligent news and amusing stories (that’s 21 anniversaries in stupidity years). I hope everyone managed to have a happy, budget holiday season (or extravagant holiday if the economic crisis hasn’t hit your home yet) and a joyous and healthy start to the New Year. There are lots of big things in store for 2009 beginning with President-Elect Barack Obama taking the oath of office in about two weeks. Thanks to those of you who have been loyal readers for the past three years, those who discovered the site along the way, and to you new readers who might even be reading for the first time today. Without you, none of my success with The Spoon would be possible. If you’d like to give me a present, share the link to this site with fifteen people today. It will only take a minute of your time and will most likely lead to an intelligence boost amongst your group of friends. Set the table, bring your appetite, and get ready to dig in to another Spoon, Full of Truth.

WHITE HOUSE IS THE NEW PORNOGRAPHY
It’s true in at least one sense; when it comes to the Presidency or pornography, Bush is out…for now. If one former President has his way, it’s only a time before Bush makes a comeback. In a recent broadcast interview on Fox News, George H.W. Bush was asked about his son Jeb making a potential run at a senate seat or the White House in a future election.
"I'd like to see him run. I'd like to see him be president someday." Bush Sr. responded.
Who knew Jeb Bush and I had so much in common? As it turns out, my father would like to see me be President someday too! And I’m willing to bet (unless you have one of those “aim low so you can never fail” kind of dads) that your father would like to see you be President too. How did Fox News expect him to respond to this powder-puff question? “Well Chris, normally I’d want all of my children to succeed but after the hell that my son George and I have put this country through during our twelve combined years in office, I’d rather Jeb not be President”. I don’t think so.
Aside from cake-walk interviews what else is on tap for Bush senior as his son George spends his final days running our once great nation into the ground?
The former president also plans to go skydiving once again, in June, to mark his 85th birthday. He will make the jump in tandem with an expert. "Just because you're an old guy, you don't need to sit around sucking your thumb drooling in the corner," he said. Obviously those activities (like savings & loan scandals (Neil), drunk driving arrests, draft dodging, cocaine use, unnecessary wars, fixed elections, hanging chads, historically low approval ratings, insider trading (Marvin) and financial crises…to name a few) are best left to his over-achieving children. The Bush brothers: making daddy proud since 1946.

IT’S ENTIRELY POSSIBLE THAT THIS IS THE BEST ARTICLE EVER WRITTEN
On a recent trip to the News Museum (Newseum) in Washington, DC, I had the chance to read headlines from newspapers all around the world. Although I can’t recall the title of the publication, one headline (from some paper in the U.S.) stuck in my head. Is it the worst headline I’ve ever seen? It’s right up there. The headline read: “Will The Economy Rebound in 2009? Maybe.” Maybe?!? The first job of a headline is to grab your attention and drag the reader in. From the headline alone I know I’m not going to get any definitive information out of the story. Why keep reading? It led me to consider writing personalized headline greeting cards to people I don’t really like. Here are a few ideas I had:

“Extra! Extra! Is Your Girl Friend Cheating On You? Maybe.”
“You Are Potentially the Ugliest One in Your Family”
“Something Sure Smells Bad. It’s Probably You”
“Your Parents Say You Weren’t A Mistake. Are They Lying? Maybe.”

I could scrap the whole greeting card idea and go to work for a major paper armed with my new journalistic tools instead. The articles would practically write themselves.

“Man Shot by Police in Liquor Store Hold up Was Probably Guilty”
“Could You Be Saving Money on Your Bills? I Guess So.”
“Iraq Might Still Have Weapons of Mass Destruction, Somewhere.”
“Gas Prices Drop, But They Could Go Back Up”
“Will Your Child Turn Into a Gremlin If You Feed Them After Midnight? Maybe.”

Come on journalists! We have a reputation to uphold. If you think the economy will rebound, state your case for it. If you think it will continue to decline then present your evidence to that end. Otherwise, should readers not bother with your articles? Most definitely!

SPINNING A TALE
A few months ago I was issued a citation from a Philadelphia Police officer for drinking in public. The ticket was for $75. I would have just paid it except I had one issue; I had not been drinking in public. I was told to appear before an administrative hearing officer on Friday, January 2nd. I arrived at the hearing on time and was told to sign in at the desk by a young lady that had trouble finding any record that I should even be there. Eventually after several minutes on her computer, she unearthed the complaint. She handed me a sheet of paper with some general rules on it and told me to go two doors down the hall and have a seat. When I entered the room, it was completely full. The only empty seat was in the last row of chairs next to an older couple. I asked them to stand up so I could maneuver past them into the empty seat and upon sitting, instantly regretted my decision. The old guy next to me instantly turned to me and asked me for the time. He smelled so badly of mildew that I wanted to tell him it was at least quarter past bath time, but I bit my tongue and told him that it was 11:00 AM. He then relayed what I can only assume was the time to his wife in a language I didn’t understand. It sounded like something eastern European. She replied to him but once again, I didn’t understand what she was saying. I hoped she was telling him about his ungodly odor and that he should go stand in the hall. If she did, he ignored her. I settled into my seat, trying my best to breath through my mouth and not my nose, and began the waiting game. My appointment was scheduled for 11:00 AM so it had to be my turn any minute now, right? Wrong. Slowly, one by one, each person in the room was called ahead of me. They were called into a small adjoining room on the other side of a clear glass wall. The man who sat behind a small desk in the second room would just scream the name of the next person through the wall; he made no attempt to stand up and open the door to call them into his office. I watched each person speak with the administrative hearing officer (A.H.O.) for a few moments. I couldn’t hear what they were saying but I could see some of them handing the A.H.O. various papers and most of them seemed to leave the room with a smile on their face. The minutes ticked by. I picked up the sheet of paper and began to peruse the rules. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I had figured when I contested the ticket that I would be appearing before a judge but the sheet said I could only request a formal hearing if I was unsatisfied with the findings of the A.H.O.. It seemed like a waste of time to meet with a person that had no real authority but I was already waiting. The next rule stated that the officer who issued the ticket did not need to appear. It argued that, “The ticket issued is proof that the offense occurred”. Uh, what? If I have a certificate that says I’m the best lover in the world it doesn’t make it true. If I have a ticket stub for a movie it isn’t proof that I saw that movie. It really made me mad because I hadn’t been guilty of drinking in public and the officer had issued a ticket anyway. In a criminal case, if the officer who issued the ticket does not show up, the case can be dismissed due to lack of prosecution. Evidently, this was a civil matter and the same rules did not apply. The third rule basically said that unlike in court, you were pretty much guilty until you proved yourself innocent. It said that it was my job to supply the A.H.O. with documents, photos, etc to prove that I was not guilty of the offense in question. Most of the citations they dealt with at this office were property offenses where documents were available. In my case, I didn’t have any proof. My only argument was my own word. It was not given under oath (although if it had been, my story would have been the same…the truth).
Finally, well over an hour later, he finally shouted my name through the glass wall and I entered his office. He had a folder opened on his desk and he instantly asked me if I was a property owner. He’d spent a lot of time prepping for me, I could tell.
“I’m not here for a property dispute,” I told him, “I am here to get a citation dismissed”.
He asked me what the citation was for and I told him that I had been walking down the street, drinking out of a red plastic party cup, when an officer on a bike had stopped me to ask me what I was drinking. Being that I was totally sober (and acting accordingly) he had no right to stop me and inquire about my beverage. Furthermore, when I told the officer who issued the ticket that he was violating my rights he responded by saying that he had just cause because “there is only one thing people drink out of those red party cups”. This made me want to carry a red party cup filled with urine into court and get the officer while he is on the stand.
“If there is only one thing people drink out of red party cups then you will have no problem drinking this cup full of…alcohol, will you officer?”
At least the cop let me finish my juice before issuing me a citation.
The A.H.O. asked what I had been drinking and I told him juice.
“What kind of juice was it?” he asked.
“I don’t remember,”
“Oh come on,” he said, “I think you’re spinning me a tale,”
“Well I’m not,” I responded, “It was several months ago. It was probably grape juice because that’s what I drink when my blood sugar is low; I’m Diabetic. Do you remember what you were drinking on a specific night three months ago?”
He didn’t respond to my question but I knew he had no idea. Who would?
“Do you have proof of being Diabetic?” he asked.
I had my insulin pens with him and I showed him those. He asked if I wore a medic alert but I didn’t and he seemed satisfied with the pens. He continued, “Are you sure you weren’t drinking because the parking lot at 5th and South is where people often park and return to after a night of drinking on South Street,” he told me as if he had his finger squarely on the pulse of twenty-something drinking culture.
I hated to bring him back down to Earth but there were at least three things wrong with his bold statement. 1) The ticket had been issued at 3rd and South. If the officer had said 5th and South, he had lied about the location along with the offense. 2) I lived three blocks from 5th and South and even if I had been out drinking I would have returned to my home and not a parking lot. 3) I don’t own a car.
He obviously thought he had to change tactics to catch me. “What do you do for a living?” he asked.
I told him I did several things but primarily I was a writer.
“So what’s the problem then? You just don’t have the $75?”
“No,” I told him, “I’m not willing to pay any amount of money for something I didn’t do,”
He then changed tactics again and asked me, “Are you a good person?”
I refused to play his intermediary mind-games. How did he want me to answer? Should I tell him that I only derive my happiness from the misery of others? Maybe I should tell him to just hurry the hell up, that I was late for my skin-head fight-club meeting.
“Yes,” I told him matter-of-factly, “I’m a good person,”
He then asked if I was going to write about good things. I didn’t know what he considered a “good” topic to write about but I jumped through his hoop and told him that I would. He smiled, and told me he was going to throw out the $75 fine but there would still be a record of the citation. He then had me sign a form, and told me to see the receptionist for a receipt. I thanked him, shook his hand, and left.
The receptionist gave me my receipt and I left the office. It was a mind numbingly dumb experience. I figure that with all of the insight The Spoon provides, an anecdote of my adventure will balance this post out.

SEE? I TOLD YOU THAT ONE VOTE DOESN’T COUNT
Sometime today, a state election board on will announce that Democrat Al Franken has defeated Republican incumbent Norm Coleman in Minnesota's U.S. Senate race, according to statements made by state officials to CNN.
The canvassing board will say a recount determined Franken won by 225 votes, Secretary of State Mark Ritchie also told CNN. Great news! Another senate seat for the Democrats!
Coleman's campaign contends that the recount should have included about 650 absentee ballots that it says were improperly rejected in the initial count. They have indicated a challenge to the certification of Franken is imminent.
Hopefully Franken will be seated when the rest of the Senate convenes to be sworn in Tuesday because he’s good enough, he’s smart enough, and dog-gone-it, people like him.

CALL THE PARAMEDICS, WE HAVE MULTIPLE CHOKING VICTIMS!
If only the citizens of Tampa, Dallas, and Chicago knew the Heimlich maneuver. They could have used it last week when all three teams choked last week on their way to the playoffs. The Tampa Bay Bucs lost to the lowly Raiders, the Chicago Bears couldn’t beat the Houston Texans to secure a playoff spot, and the Dallas Cowboys were in with a win over the Eagles and lost by almost 40 points. The Eagles handled the Cowboys and locked up the final playoff spot. Take that Tampa Bay! You came into our house in 2002 and beat us in the NFC Championship game, going on to beat the Raiders in the Superbowl. After beating you in the World Series and knocking you out of the NFL Playoffs, I guess we’re even. Chicago, you swept us 4-0 in the 1997 Stanley Cup Finals. 2008 was supposed to be the season the Cubs broke their 100 year curse. Didn’t happen did it? And even though the Bears beat the Eagles during the regular reason, we had fewer losses than you did and snuck in (9-6-1 to 9-7). Dallas…I just hate you. You won three Super Bowls in the 1990’s. At least when we had T.O. we went to the Super Bowl. You can’t seem to win anything with him and Tony “I can’t win a big game” Romo. I hoped you enjoyed sitting at home watching the Eagles win their first round game against the Vikings on Sunday. Maybe T.O. missed it and was busy doing sit-ups in his driveway but I’m sure he’ll catch our game against the Giants next week. With the Eagles making noise in the playoffs and the Flyers in first place, The Phillies World Series victory may have only been the tip of the Philadelphia championship iceberg. Fly Eagles Fly.

PARTING IS SUCH SWEET SORROW
That's all I have for today Spoon fans. I hope you learned something new today, had a laugh, and shared the site with some friends (family members, coworkers, and enemies are also acceptable). I hope to have a new post up in a few weeks around the time Obama takes office. In the meantime, feel free to check out old posts and catch up on stories you might have missed (the previous post also has my stand-up comedy video included in it). If you have a few minutes, please click the comment tab (there is one at the bottom of each post) and leave me some anniversary love/feedback. What would you like to see more or less of from the Spoon in 2009? Check back soon, to get your truth straight from The Spoon!

ART FAN?
Check out my recent works (four new pieces will be added to the site later this week)
http://www.nationalartsprogram.org/~Millerdelphia

A SPOONFUL OF OBAMA MAKES THE G.O.P. GO DOWN

2008-11-12T17:30:00.005-05:00

THE CAT’S IN THE CRADLE AND THE SPOON IS BACK IN ACTION
Wow. That one word sums up the last few months. From my stand-up comedy debut, to the Wall Street bailout, to the two greatest victories of my lifetime in a single week; it has been a crazy ride. Your Spoon is ready to go…dig in!

McCAIN ISN’T ABLE
We did it liberal America. We banded together, utilized the internet and our phones, donated our time, our money, and our hard work…and it paid off! After eight horrible years of the worst political “leadership” in my life-time we are finally getting rid of Dubya and his band of goons. And the best news is that we are replacing him with someone who stands for change. If we had elected John McCain it would have subjected us to Bush’s 3rd term and another four years of Bush’s policies. Sarah Palin is also about as evil as Dick Cheney. It would have shown the world that they were right, that American’s are stupid war mongers. But that is all behind us. We did NOT elect John McCain. We banded together and showed ourselves and the rest of the world that we refuse to be led and represented by someone like George W. Bush or John McCain. Barack Obama was the political Viagra we all needed to make Americans stand at attention after 8 long years of Electile Dysfunction. As I watched Obama’s victory speech last Tuesday night (as well as McCain’s concession speech, which to be fair, was the best I’ve ever heard) I was struck with the feeling that we still have many hard times ahead for the United States but for the first time since Bush took office I have faith in our leadership to see us through it. We still have two wars raging, we still have our country’s recent recession and wall-street buyout to survive, but America is strong again and we can do this. I attended Villanova’s first men’s basketball game on Thursday night and as they asked us to rise and remove our caps for the National anthem I was struck with a feeling I couldn’t place. It was an old familiar feeling but one I hadn’t felt in almost a decade. Then it hit me; the feeling was pride. I rose, removed my hat, and listened to the entire song; something I had refused to do for at least the last four years. It wasn’t because I hated America; I was just disgusted with our government and the fact that American’s had re-elected them and have still yet to hold them accountable for their actions. I guess I was not alone. Many of fellow citizens felt the same as I did, and young and old they stood up and demanded change. Obama even took states that are generally GOP strong-holds. Thank you America. You have renewed my faith in our ability as a country and as human beings to fight for the things that truly matter. We chose hope over fear. We did not allow the racism that has existed (and still exists in many places) to keep us from electing America’s first black president. Obama’s wife and children, all of whom are descendants of slaves will now be living in the White House. What a powerful moment for African-Americans, for the way Americans are viewed throughout the world, and for those who chose to see the man for his uncanny leadership ability and not the color of his skin.

NOT SO SECRET SERVICE
The Secret Service takes a lot of risks for the first family. These agents are even supposed to take a bullet and trade their lives to protect the Obama’s. As one small perk, it's only fair that the agency gets the honor of coming up with code names for the president-elect and his family. Various sources recently revealed the not-so-secret nicknames. They all feature names that begin with the letter “R”.
Mr. Obama will be known as "Renegade". Michelle will be referred to as "Renaissance". Malia Obama's name will be "Radiance," while little sister Sasha's will be "Rosebud."
And what about the Biden’s you ask? His name will be "Celtic." His wife Jill will be "Capri." Not quite sure why they decided to go with a “C” theme here.
I didn’t bother to search for the nicknames for the Bush’s or Cheney’s but if they had chosen to use a “B” theme (after all, even George knows that Bush starts with B) here are some good ones that come to mind:
Bush: “Bumbling” (as in bumbling idiot)
Cheney: “Buckshot” (as in what your face will be filled with if you go hunting with him)
Laura Bush: “Blind-Eye” (as in the blind eye she must have turned to all of his less-than-human dealings)
Lynne Cheney: “Bi-Sexual” (as in, she’s in favor of both her gay-bashing husband, and lesbian daughter)
Barbara Bush: Booze Twin 1
Jenna Bush: Booze Twin 2 (no explanation needed for these two)

I do have one question though: Why have code-names for the first family and then make them known? Kind of defeats the purpose of a code name don’t you think?

PHINALLY! WE ARE WORLD FUCKING CHAMPIONS! Thank you Chase Utley for saying what every Philadelphian had been thinking for the past 48 hours, we are World FUCKING Champions! What a ride! First we win the division when everyone said the Mets and Johan Santana couldn’t be beat. Then we played the Brewers. They had traded for C.C. Sabathia who had been unstoppable on the mound; we stopped him. Next came the Los Angeles Dodgers. They thought they could ride the Manny express elevator to the top of the NL but they neglected to realize that the Phillies would take the (Matt) Stairs! Finally, it was time to play the Rays in the World Series. The Rays had a story book season. They beat the Yankees and Redsox to win the toughest division in baseball. They beat the White Sox and Red Sox in the playoffs. The night they clinched a World Series berth Evan Longoria told a reporter on the field that it was the biggest win in Rays’ history. I turned to my friend and told him, it will remain the biggest game in Rays’ history because we’re winning the whole shebang. Thanks for not proving me wrong Phillies. No team or fans in history have had to wait to win a suspended World Series game…until we did it. The 48 hours of limbo between the top of the sixth inning and the bottom of the same inning were intense. When it was time to resume the game, we fans were ready. As Brad Lidge threw the final pitch and won the game I was overcome with a feeling I have never felt in my life-time before, the feeling of being on top; of being a World champion. We spilled out on to Broad Street and I watched as the city celebrated what we had been waiting 25 years for, a title. Yes, cars were flipped, stores were looted, fires were set, riot police were sent in, but it was all in good fun…right Philly? The parade two days later was unlike anything I have ever seen. I watched (along with millions of others along the parade route) from Broad and Ellsworth as the parade went by. It was magical. I then hustled down the Citizen’s Bank Park (many miles on foot but subways weren’t running and the streets were filled with people instead of the usual cars) to catch the ceremony from the press box. It was surreal. I know many people were upset with Utley for dropping the “F-bomb” in front on children and TV cameras but I loved it. He didn’t use it to put people down (i.e. “Fuck every other city but Philly”) he didn’t drop a religious or racial slur. He won the first title for this city in 25 years, paraded to the ball-park through millions of excited fans, and then was asked to speak ten minutes ahead of time. He was excited, he was a little drunk, and he was 100% right. Philadelphia, we did it, we are World FUCKING Champions. Phinally!

OKAY AMERICA, I STILL HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH SOME OF YOU
Californians voted to pass proposition 8 and for the first time in history, decided to take rights AWAY from people that had already been awarded by the state’s Supreme Court. Really Cali? I thought you were all so liberal and ahead of the curve. Arnold admittedly was involved in several group sex orgies and you elected him Governor but suddenly you don’t want to let gays keep the right to marry? You didn’t even have to vote to let them have those rights, they all ready did. You did however, vote to take them away. Maybe more of you should smoke some of that legal marijuana that you’re lucky enough to have and mellow out a little. Besides, if you really are anti-gay and want them to suffer, give them the right to marry. Then, just vote to take away their right to divorce. Ouch.
Then there’s Arkansas. You Razorbacks voted against allowing gay couples to adopt. God forbid we should have a loving same-sex couple provide a nurturing environment for a child in need. We’d be much better placing them in the dysfunctional home of man and woman who in many cases adopt for reasons that are less than honorable (I’m not saying this is a practice for all straight couples by any means). Shame on you Arkansas.
Alaska, you voted for a senator who has been convicted of felony crimes! Are you mad?! Now you’ve opened the door for Sarah Palin to give herself that senate seat. We need Sarah Palin back in Alaska, not in Washington DC. If you hadn’t voted her in as your Governor I’d think you were embarrassed by her and trying to get rid of her. Oh I said it, you betcha! Palin was asked to drop the first puck at the Flyer’s home opener and was booed by the Philly fans. I love my city. I’m sort of surprised she didn’t try to drop the first puck at the Montreal Canadians game; that would have just about doubled her foreign experience.
Then there are all of our government officials in Washington (some of whom have already been voted out). The Wall Street bailout…are you kidding me? Where’s my bailout? I’ve made a few bad choices with my money in the past too. When are you going to step in and bail me out? I promise to do the same as all of these banks and try to use the money to pay my CEO bonuses. FYI, I am the CEO. What about all of the American citizens who can’t pay their mortgages and lost their retirement savings? Where is their bailout? Why didn’t you just pay off all of their mortgages so that the banks could get their money and people wouldn’t lose their homes in the process? Who is it that elected you again, banks? It sure seems that way. I know this bailout money is supposed to be paid back but I can’t help but be skeptical. I demand oversight Washington. Before the election I told my rep (Chaka Fattah) that if he voted for the bailout I wouldn’t vote for him. He voted for the bailout. I wrote in Chase Fucking Utley.

IF YOU’RE ALLERGIC TO HUMOR, AVOID THIS NEXT SEGMENT
I know it’s been a few months since my performance but many of you haven’t seen my stand-up comedy debut in Philly’s Funniest Person contest. I was selected to perform and wound up beating out several of the other contestants…not bad for my first time writing my own jokes and performing them. I have other comedy gigs lined up in the future including a benefit for Stand Up for Kids (http://www.standupforkids.org/) in Philadelphia on Friday, November 21st at the Dark Horse (near 2nd and Lombard). It is a great cause and tickets are only $7. I encourage you to make it out if you can. There will also be musical acts performing as well as drinks specials and good people. For those of you who would like to see the video of my performance in P.F.P. contest (which was at Helium Comedy club in Philly) you can watch the video at the bottom of this post. Enjoy!

WILL THE REAL REPUBLICANS PLEASE STAND UP (AND LEAVE)
I was shocked to learn during last week’s election that a few people I know had voted for McCain. When I asked them to explain to me why they thought he was a better candidate to lead our country, they all came up with answers that were completely off base. One person told me they wouldn’t vote for Obama because he was a Muslim. He is not a Muslim. In fact, one of McCain’s staff members had served as the lobbyist for Saddam Hussein. It stuck me that there are many people who vote Republican but who really benefits from it? The richest 2% of Americans do. Everyone else who votes Republican actually suffers economically from it. So why do they do it? I think it’s because the Republicans decided to become the party of racists and evangelicals. Republicans give the rich tax breaks, they give tax breaks to companies who ship jobs overseas, they backed a war that gave us the biggest deficit in U.S. history, and they are (for the most-part) anti-gay and pro-life. This is where they draw votes in. People who find themselves also on the pro-life and anti-gay side of the fence vote for these clowns. Then they claim to be the only ones who can keep us safe in these rocky times. Did they keep us safe on 9/11? Have they kept our soldiers safe in Iraq or Afghanistan? Did they keep our citizens safe after hurricane Katrina? Did they protect us against the greed on Wall Street or rising gas prices? Did they protect all of the Americans who couldn’t pay their mortgages and lost their homes? Did they protect the over 44 million Americans without health benefits? Did they protect us against global warming? No. But they did help themselves. I’m not saying that people should never vote Republican. What I am saying is before you vote for a candidate out of hate, or religious convictions, realize that you might really be hurting yourself.

STICKS AND STONES MAY BRAKE MY BONES, BUT LET’S STILL PLAY WITH THEM
There were three inductees into the Toy Hall of Fame in Rochester, N.Y this past weekend: the skateboard, the baby doll, and…a stick? That’s right, a plain old stick. The stick (along with its’ two fellow inductees) joined 38 other toys in the Hall of Fame. Unlike many toys that run on batteries, the stick is 100% imagination operated. What are the criteria for induction? Longevity is a key criterion for getting into the hall, which the museum acquired in 2002 from A.C. Gilbert's Discovery Village in Salem, Oregon. Each toy must not only be widely recognized and foster learning, creativity or discovery through play, but also endure in popularity over generations. The stick joins the cardboard box (a 2005 inductee) as an object that has captured generations of imaginative children (and animals). Many animals (especially dogs) also play endlessly with sticks. I went to an elementary school that was located on sixteen acres in the woods and we played with sticks constantly (the only rule being, no sticks longer than your arm were to be played with…safety first).
"It's very open-ended, all-natural, the perfect price [free], there aren't any rules or instructions for its use," said Christopher Bensch, the museum's curator of collections. "It can be a Wild West horse, a medieval knight's sword, a boat on a stream or a slingshot with a rubber band. ...No snowman is complete without a couple of stick arms, and every campfire needs a stick for toasting marshmallows.” Other toys on display in the museum include the bicycle, the kite, Mr. Potato Head, Crayola crayons, marbles, and the Atari 2600 video game system. Parents, if you’re looking to make ends meet this holiday season, why not just break a branch off the old Christmas tree, remove the needles, and wrap it up. When your child opens the gift and says, “What is this, a stick?”
You can reply, “No, it’s whatever you want it to be”.

SHOW SOME SUPPORT
I would like to thank all of you loyal Spoon readers for your years of support. I am going to try to publish once a month from now on. For all you new readers, thanks for taking the time to read the Spoon, Full of Truth. All I ask of everyone is to show a little support. Forward the link to the site to some friends, family, or co-workers, and take the time to leave a comment by clicking on the link after each post! You can agree or disagree with me, add your own two cents, or suggest ways I could improve the site (I'd also like to know what you like about it). Thanks again everyone! Check back soon for another truth filled edition of the Spoon.

THIRTY IS THE NEW SEXY

2008-07-09T16:34:00.006-05:00

RIGHT TO BEAR HANDS
Last Thursday, The Supreme Court ruled in a 5-4 decision that Americans have a right to own guns, rejecting a 32-year-old ban on handguns in the District of Columbia. This is an historic ruling. It is the first time the high court has issued a pronouncement on gun rights. It has often been debated what exactly was meant by the phrase, “the people may keep and bear arms”; until now. Reaction to the ruling was mixed. Reaction broke less along party lines than along the split between cities wracked with daily gun violence and rural areas where gun ownership is a part of daily life. Presidential candidate John McCain welcomed the ruling as "a landmark victory for Second Amendment freedom." I guess he’ll finally feel safe accepting that hunting invite from Dick Cheney now that he knows he can defend himself. It’s reassuring to know that if he’s elected President he can take office while ushering in a new era of welcomed hand gun ownership. Thank you second amendment! Leave it to a supreme court with a heavy Dubya influence to be the first to interpret an amendment that has remained ambiguous since it was ratified in 1791. Charlton Heston would have been very proud of you jerk-offs. The second amendment reads: "A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed." The issue for the justices was always, is the second amendment protection of an individual's right to own guns somehow tied to service in a state militia (a once-vital, but now-archaic grouping of citizens) or does it protects all citizens? This debate has gone on for decades.
This is just great! American homes don’t need better forms of energy (and energy saving products). They don’t need more books, more food on the table, heat, water, electricity, stability, smoke detectors, or fixing up. This is America though and they sure as hell need hand guns. Oh please. Guns don’t make situations better. They are one of those things I wish as a whole could be un-invented. This would be a much better world without them. Resident Bush weighed in on the ruling and had this to say, "I applaud the Supreme Court's historic decision today confirming what has always been clear in the Constitution: the Second Amendment protects an individual right to keep and bear firearms." Right George, it’s always been so clear what the second amendment meant. When asked what the 2nd amendment was, Bush probably held up two fingers and replied, “The one that’s this many!” If nothing else he’s certainly spent the last eight years showing everyone how much he respects the constitution (cough, cough…Patriot Act). I guess he’ll be adding this directly under the Iraq War on his “mission accomplished” check list.
The full implications of the decision, however, will not immediately be seen. For example, to what extent will the right to have a gun for protection in the home extend outside the home? Personally I don’t see any good coming of this decision and urge local and state officials to make provisions where they still can. D.C. Mayor Adrian Fenty responded with a plan to require residents to register their handguns. "More handguns in the District of Columbia will only lead to more handgun violence," he said. First 9/11 happens and everyone gets scared. Then the economy goes to hell and people go broke and lose their jobs and homes. Finally, gas prices spike and everyone gets angry. Now is a great time to let everyone run right out and buy a gun. After this decision I have to ask, how supremely stupid is the Supreme Court?

H.O. HOES (HIGH OCTANE WHORES)
High gas prices are affecting everything, even the world’s oldest profession. Nevada brothels that cater to long-haul truckers are offering gas cards and other promotions after seeing business decline as much as 25 percent from a year ago, industry officials said. President of the N.B.O.A. (Nevada Brothel Owners' Association), Geoffrey Arnold, said truckers account for up to 75 percent of business at the state's rural brothels along Interstate 80 and U.S. Highway 95. Right now these truckers need more money to fill the gas tank, and that leaves less money to fill Nevada prostitutes with their out-of-state loads. "Anything that has to do with discretionary income is down," said Bobbi Davis owner of Shady Lady Ranch. "Instead of spending $500 out here, they might only spend $300. I see it every time they raise gas prices." High gas prices might be leaving truckers with less disposable income, but it’s also leaving them with a wider range of women to select from when it comes to spending those hard earned dollars in a brothel. Not only are most brothels forced to offer deals to truckers to combat the rising fuel costs, but more women are seeking jobs as legal prostitutes as business for escort services and strip clubs goes flat. You hear that fellas (at those of you who pay for sex)? Greater selection, more “bang” for your buck…if there was ever time to load up your hybrid vehicle with a few friends and car-pool out to Nevada, this is it; take advantage of the woes of long-road truckers and prostitutes and cum to, in, and on Nevada.

WHO’S GONNA KILL YOUR WILD HORSES?
Ranchers in Reno, NV and animal rights activists are clashing over a federal proposal to euthanize wild horses as a way to deal with their surplus numbers. Federal officials say they're faced with tough choices because wild horses have overpopulated public lands in the West and they no longer can afford to care for the number of animals that have been rounded up. The agency responsible for dealing with the matter (U.S. Bureau of Land Management) has set a target appropriate management level of horses at 27,000. About another 30,000 horses are in holding facilities, where most are made available for adoption. Currently the number of horses in 10 western states sits at around 33,000 (half of which reside in Nevada). I guess many states (and countries) do the same thing with less fanfare. Pennsylvania has hunting season every year to help control the over-population of deer within the state. Canada even allows people to trap Beavers, the animal that serves as the country’s symbol! With horses it just seems different. Maybe it’s because we see domesticated horses more often than wild ones and so that is the image that first strikes us when thinking of horses. I’m going to go out on a limb here and offer one solution to two problems. Why doesn’t Nevada spend some money on programs that train wild horses to haul 18-wheelers? You hook enough wild horses up and they can haul anything! I know this might not be the best life for them but it’s better than killing them. It would also cut down on the cost of gas and leave more money for truckers to spend on prostitutes! While the truckers are being “serviced”, the horses could be treated to a nice rest, plenty of water, some food, and the lucky ones might even wind up being brought into the brothel to perform in one of those horse sex-shows (where the prostitute either performs oral sex on, or has sex with, a horse). Look at all the people that could gain from this. Sure, animal rights activists will still bitch and moan, but they are going to do that regardless. At least the horses will be fed something other than poison. Imagine the possibilities of Nevada’s newest business: “Horse & Whores”. It would certainly be an interesting business proposal (and would give a whole new meaning to) the world famous "Mustang Ranch".

SEE BILL CLINTON GET DOUBLE TEAMED BY TWO WOMEN
And this time, it’s profitable. Gennifer Flowers and Paula Jones, the two women who gained notoriety for having affairs with former President Bill Clinton, are offering Internet viewers the lurid details of the encounters they claim they had Bubba (as well as thoughts on Hilary and other things) for a small fee of $1.99 per story.
During the 1992 presidential race, Flowers claimed to have had a 12-year affair with then-candidate and Arkansas Gov. Bill Clinton. Clinton initially denied the allegation, but later, during his deposition in the Paula Jones sexual harassment case, acknowledged a single sexual encounter with Flowers. Wow. Personally, if there’s one thing I want to spend my hard earned money on, it’s reading tales of Bill Clinton’s sexual flings with far less than attractive women. Come on Bill! You were Governor and then President for Christ’s sake. If you were going to stray from your wife don’t you think you could have held out for women that were slightly more attractive? Flowers, Jones, and Lewinsky don’t exactly cry, “I’m the leader of the most powerful nation in the world”. Even when you were Governor I’m sure you could have rounded up some better looking tail. I’m not even a blip on the politics’ radar and I still pull in much better looking women. What was your motive here? I guess having affairs with women less attractive than you wife makes her look better, but I don’t think you’ve had sex with Hilary more recently than the encounter that produced Chelsea. People will say it’s disgusting that Flowers and Jones are now seeking to profit off of their fifteen minutes of fame but can anyone really blame them? Monica will always be most famous for a blow job that she gave and those two are only trailing her by a stained dress or two. Everyone knows the old saying, “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. Let’s apply that same logic to the Presidential penis. If you’re President and you don’t have anything attractive to stick it in, please, don’t stick it in anything at all.

JESUS! THOSE SOUTH CAROLINIANS SURE ARE COCKS
Unless a federal court intervenes, South Carolina drivers may soon be able to profess their Christian faith with a state-issued license plate.
The state plans to issue plates (based on a design by the state of Florida that was already rejected) featuring a Christian cross and the words "I Believe," but a group advocating the separation of church and state says that goes too far. While individuals can ask the DMV to print plates for other faiths (for a $4,000 fee) the request would be subject to significant limits and rules not imposed for the Christian plate. Other tags could feature a religious symbol (such as the Star of David) but no words would be allowed. This clearly shows that the state would be playing favorites with Christians. Why not the Star of David with the words, “I believe”? Obviously the (game) cocks running the legislature down there don’t see how people could believe in anything other than Jesus. Of course this comes from the last state to fly the Confederate Flag from their state house. Maybe they’d like to offer a plate with black slaves on it and the word “Racist” prominently displayed. How about a plate with two men holding hands and the words, “Going to Hell, and proud of it”? "I think it allows people of faith to profess that they believe in a higher calling, they believe in God," said Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer.
Bauer has graciously offered to personally pay the $4,000 deposit required for the Department of Motor Vehicles to begin producing the plates. How blatant do you like your favoritism Mr. Bauer? Bauer said allowing Christians to have a specialty license plate is freedom of speech. He said those who oppose are prejudiced against Christians. This seems to come from the same vein that Bush uses when saying that those who are against the war are unpatriotic. This country has separation of church and state laws for just this reason. People who oppose the Christian plates aren’t anti-Christian, they are pro-constitution. If South Carolina was willing to offer equal plates to residents of any religion (including Atheists and Agnostics) than it would be a different story. The action is being fought by Americans United for Separation of Church and State, which includes Christian, Jewish and Hindu clergy. I think the best way to sum up my view on this issue is by quoting a bumper sticker I saw on a recent road trip with my father. “God, save us from your believers”.

FRIENDS LIKE THESE
The White House is up to shenanigans again. This time it’s Italy’s head honcho left with bruised feelings and cast yet another mark on Dubya’s embarrassing track record with foreign leaders. This time it wasn’t an inappropriate back-rub he delivered but rather what the White House called, an "unfortunate mistake". The mistake happened to be the distribution of a less-than-flattering biography of Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi at the Group of Eight summit. Oops; our bad. The summary of Berlusconi was buried in a nearly inch-thick tome of background that the White House distributed at the summit of major economic powers. The press kit was handed out to the White House traveling press corps. Having paid close attention to the current administration over the last eight years I’m sure whatever it said wasn’t too bad. Sheah, right…and monkeys might fly out of my butt.
The biography described Berlusconi as one of the "most controversial leaders in the history of a country known for government corruption and vice." I’m sure Berlusconi hasn’t gone out of his way to say nice things about our president though, right? Last month Berlusconi welcomed U.S. President George W. Bush to Rome, calling him "a personal friend of mine and also a great friend of Italy." To which Bush responded: "You're right. We're good friends." It could be worse. If Berlusconi were a friend of Cheney’s, he probably would have been shot in the face instead. The biography, written by Encyclopedia of World Biography, said Berlusconi burst onto the political scene with no experience and used his "vast network of media holdings" to finance his campaign on a promise to "purge the notoriously lackadaisical Italian government of corruption." And as we all know, political candidates always keep their campaign promises. The biography went on to say that Berlusconi was appointed to the prime minister's office in 1994, "however, he and his fellow Forza Italia Party leaders soon found themselves accused of the very corruption he had vowed to eradicate." No…politicians wouldn’t lie to me. That would be like Fox News reporting GOP propaganda instead of newsworthy stories. Sigh. In a written apology, White House spokesman Tony Fratto said the biography used insulting language.
"The sentiments expressed in the biography do not represent the views of President Bush, the American government, or the American people," he said. "We apologize to Italy and to the prime minister for this very unfortunate mistake."
The prime minister responded by telling Bush to go fuck himself. He then promptly apologized for his very unfortunate mistake in choosing to respond so vulgarly.
Seriously, sometimes I feel like the White House must have an employee or two that just work around the clock to make this administration look a bunch of pea-brained idiots. In addition to Dubya actually being a pea-brained idiot, this is not a good combination. Nobody thought to, I don’t know, read through one of the packets before they were distributed at the G-8 summit? But who has time for proof reading these days? Bush called it the biggest Italian tragedy since, on top of Old Smokey, all covered with cheese, he lost he poor meatball, when somebody sneezed.

REFLECTIONS ON TURNING THIRTY
I was born thirty years ago. 1978. I can hardly believe it. I have gained a lot of experience over the past few decades but still have so much to learn. Learning never ends. I used to view thirty as the end of my life. Once you hit thirty you’re old; your youth is long since over. Now, as I sit here on the threshold of the end of my twenties, I can’t help but think that thirty isn’t the end, it’s a new beginning. So many opportunities have been presented to me in recent months. My life is taking turns I never could have imagined. So, as one chapter of my life ends and a new one begins I hope you will all stick around and enjoy the ups and downs with me here at the Spoon, Full of Truth.

YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL
Yes I’m talking to you. You’re beautiful to me. Thanks for taking time to read the Spoon today. If you have another minute of free time, why not forward it to a friend (or everyone you know)? I’d like to wish belated, current, and future Happy Birthdays to Amy, Beth, Diana, Linda, Gena, Phil, and Mona. My birthday is this Monday. Feel free to leave a comment (by clicking on the comment tab directly at the bottom of this current post. I have been selected as a finalized in Philly's Phunniest Person contest and will be performing original material on stage sometime in August at Helium Comedy Club. As soon as I have a date and time nailed down (I'll get it on the 15th of July) I will pass it on to you. I hope those of you in the area will be able to attend and cheer me on to victory! I hope you enjoyed feeding your brain with another Spoon, Full of Truth. Until next time…

SUMMER WITH THE SPOON

2008-06-08T14:56:00.006-05:00

RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM THE SPOON:

-California legalized gay marriage. Way to go California. As far as I am concerned, people should be able to do whatever they want sexually as long as there are no children or animals involved and no one is getting physically hurt (who doesn’t want to be). I have enough to worry about without stressing out over two men or women having sex or getting married. If I wake up one morning and my biggest concern is that two men are marrying in California or Massachusetts or anywhere else, then it’s the best day of my life. For all of you homophobes out there, you have it all wrong anyway. If you really want to make homosexuals suffer, don’t fight gay-marriage, fight gay-divorce.

-Mike’s Hard Lemonade has a new slogan: “In a world gone soft, someone’s got to be hard.” It sounds like their advertising agency accidentally pitched them an idea that they had intended for Viagra.

-Republican John McCain declared for the first time two weeks ago that he believes the Iraq war can be won by 2013. That works out nicely for him that his timetable would take him a year into his second term in office. You’d think he could wrap it up nicely in just four years. After all, the war is going so well. If you vote for me as President instead, I’ll declare that we’ll be able to cure AIDS using potatoes by 2013; trust me.

-American Airlines is the first major airline to begin charging passengers for ALL checked bags. Most airlines currently allow each passenger to check their first bag for free. The price of the ticket is bad enough without all of the added insults. They charge for checking luggage, for food, for headsets for the movies, for pillows and blankets, for window or aisle seats, and even add an additional tax for each “take off and landing”…really? I thought the fact that the plane takes off and lands was kind of implied when I bought a ticket for an AIRPLANE. Way to earn your name by nickel and diming us; you are truly AMERICAN airlines.

-We went another year without a Triple Crown winner in horse racing. It’s now been over twenty years since the last Triple Crown winner, and almost 30 years since I decided I didn’t care.

-Experienced something very strange at the movies last night. A guy in the bathroom used one of the urinals and then went straight to the hand dryer to dry his hands. Did he urinate on his hands and then decide he’d just dry them off without washing them? Whoever taught this guy bathroom etiquette clearly forgot a crucial step. It’s called soap and water pal…look into it.

-The national average for a gallon of gas has now topped $4. When I was a kid we used to just drive around some nights if we had nothing to do. I guess that activity is now reserved for the wealthy. At least they haven’t taken a page from the airlines’ book, yet. By next summer they might come out with a $1 surcharge for activating the pump.

-Pentagon records show that more than 43,000 U.S. troops listed as medically unfit for combat in the weeks before their scheduled deployment to Iraq or Afghanistan (since 2003) were sent anyway. The reliance on troops found medically "non-deployable" is yet another sign of stress placed on a military that has sent 1.6 million service-members to the war zones, according to soldier advocacy groups. I know it’s often viewed as an honor to “serve” your country but the real honor would be if our country provided a service to our troops and gave them the proper time to recover before sending them back into combat. These are U.S. citizens and more importantly human beings. Dubya and his band of idiots need to stop treating them accordingly.

-It’s going to hit a record high of 96 degrees in Philadelphia today (with a heat index of 105). Yesterday topped the 90 degree mark and tomorrow is expected to reach 99 or 100 (with a heat index of 110). The normal for this time of year is in the 70’s. I guess Bush isn’t going to see the “proof of global warming” until people on the street start bursting into flames. The only thing hotter than the temperature in the City of Brotherly Love is the Philadelphia Phillies.

-Barack Obama finally secured the Democratic Presidential nomination this past week. I was annoyed that it took Hilary so long to admit defeat once he had the necessary amount of delegates. You lost Hilary; whether you admit that defeat or not, you still lost. Could you imagine if the team that lost the Superbowl just hung around after the game? “We know the other team had a higher score but we’re not ready to admit that we lost yet.” It would just be ridiculous. You fought a good fight but please, once you lose, just go away.

-Binocular manufacturer Bushnell, along with "Field & Stream" magazine, have teamed up to offer $1 million to anyone who can provide an unaltered photograph/video, verified and substantiated by a panel of scientific experts [including a zoologist and biologist] as evidence that proves the existence of a Sasquatch/Bigfoot/Yeti. Riiiiight…because the only thing that kept humans from discovering a Sasquatch (to date) was the lack of monetary motivation. I guess now that there’s a million bucks on the table I can finally develop my Yeti photos from that trip I took to Tibet. I’d thought about doing it before but it just seemed like too much work. How much for my X-rated photos of the Lochness Monster and Santa Claus tag-teaming the Tooth-Fairy?

-I wish I had an extra million dollars lying around. I’d offer it to anyone who could prove that George Bush won either of the last two elections without vast amounts of cheating and voter fraud.

-The Baltimore Museum of Art celebrated the art of tattooing this past Saturday night with a panel discussion among prominent tattoo artists, a runway show displaying the strongest output from local shops and high-minded discussions of the importance of body art among African tribes and Japanese laborers. Take that those of you who say tattoos are not art. You can’t call it a vegetarian restaurant if you serve hamburgers and you can’t call it an art museum if you display items that aren’t art. It’s true, some tattoos are ugly and/or tacky but so are many paintings, sculptures, etc. As with ugly people, beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

-I propose we drop the U from USA. It’s kind of like false advertising. If Jessica Alba and I are in the same movie theatre, it doesn’t mean we’re there together. We are just a country of vastly different people living side by side but very rarely together. George Bush (as well as many “leaders” before him) has made a career out of dividing this country. Currently it’s Red States vs. Blue States, Less Filling vs. Tastes Great, Big Mac vs. Whopper… Can’t we all just agree on something? Where’s the U-N-I-T-Y?

-According to the Vatican newspaper, Islam has surpassed Roman Catholicism as the world's largest religion, making Catholicism the Pepsi of religion. To quote an official from the Vatican, "For the first time in history, we are no longer at the top: Muslims have overtaken us," I assume he meant on top of the religious world, and not on top of underage boys.

-I missed some birthdays since my last post so a very happy belated birthday to my pseudo brother Dan, and my actual brother Josh. Also a belated happy mother's day to my mother and two grandmothers and an early happy father's day to my dad and grandfather.

-If you’ve just read this entire post, you’re definitely cooler than when you started. I’m glad I could help out; it’s the least I can do.

That’s the end of today’s Spoon people. I hope you managed to wrestle a morsel or two of truth from the randomness and I promise to have a new post up in traditional format by the end of the month. Thanks for reading and as always, sharing means caring so pass the link to the site along to a few people today and please, don’t forget to leave some comments.

MARCH MADNESS

2008-03-26T15:25:00.003-05:00

ALL ASIAN DELIVERIES LOOK ALIKE
The U.S. military discovered late last week that it mistakenly delivered electrical fuses for an intercontinental ballistic missile to Taiwan, raising concerns yesterday over U.S.-China relations. While the shipment did not include nuclear materials, the error is particularly sensitive because China vehemently opposes U.S. arms sales to Taiwan. Four of the cone-shaped fuses were shipped to Taiwanese officials in fall 2006 instead of the helicopter batteries they had ordered. That’s an easy mix-up. I know I’ve mistakenly tried to replace my helicopter batteries with ballistic missile fuses several times while preparing for one of my last minute flights. It’s a pretty honest mistake; and yes, I own several helicopters (and God speaks to George Bush).
Despite quarterly checks of the inventory, defense officials said they never knew the fuses were gone. I suppose the people conducting these checks were the same individuals that somehow lost over five billion dollars (in CASH) from our war budget. If Osama Bin Laden really wants to stay hidden, maybe he should just camp out in the military-inventory wing of the Pentagon. It was only after months of discussions with Taiwan over the missing helicopter batteries that the Pentagon finally realized (late last week) the magnitude of what had happened.
Once the error was discovered, the military quickly recovered the four fuses; although we have no idea if the technology had been duplicated. If there’s one thing I know about Taiwan, it’s that they turn out a lot of knock-offs. How this mix-up happened, and whether the incident constitutes a violation of any treaty or agreement governing international sales of missile technology, are lingering questions.
Yesterday, at a hastily called news conference, Ryan Henry, the number-two policy official in Defense Secretary Robert Gates' office, said President Bush as well as Chinese leaders were informed of the mistake and called the error intolerable. Upon being informed of the incident, President Bush was quickly informed by Dick Cheney that Taiwan is a self governing island (still claimed by Beiijing) and not the method his father taught him for lacing up his shoes (Taiwan and then the other).
According to Air Force Secretary Michael Wynne, the fuses, contained in four large shipping containers, had been sent from F.E. Warren Air Force Base in Wyoming to a Defense Logistics Agency warehouse at Hill Air Force Base in Utah. The containers apparently ended up in an unclassified area, rather than a classified section where they belonged. It seems that happens a lot under the Bush administration. Our Military wound up in Iraq instead of in Afghanistan where it belonged; FEMA trailers wound up in a field in Kentucky instead of in Louisiana where they belonged; and Dubya wound up back in the White House instead of in prison where he belongs.
White House press secretary Dana Perino when asked whether Bush still has confidence in Air Force leadership, said: "Yes, yes he does." Bush later added that he thought they were doing “A heck’uva job.”
This is the second nuclear-related mistake involving the military in recent months. Last August (as reported on this site) an Air Force B-52 bomber was mistakenly armed with six nuclear-tipped cruise missiles and flown from Minot Air Force Base, N.D., to Barksdale Air Force Base, La. At the time, the pilot and crew were unaware they had nuclear arms aboard. I guess this is what you can expect when you have a Commander in Chief who has his head shoved firmly up his own ass. To make up for the mistake, Bush has offered to send China ten crates of the United States’ number one export: Freedom.

DOW CLOSES DOWN 69 POINTS AS DUBYA HITS ALL-TIME LOW
Five years after he green-lighted the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq, President Bush faced strikingly low approval ratings as he reaffirmed his commitment to "accept no outcome but victory" in the war. It must be nice to accept nothing less than impossible. I wish every time I bought a Powerball ticket I could accept nothing less than winning the jackpot (but the likelihood of that happening is on par with anyone “winning” the war in Iraq). This raises another question, exactly what constitutes winning? In my mind, war never has any winners, just different degrees of losers. Furthermore, didn’t this jack-ass stand on the deck of a battleship and declare of the Iraq war, “Mission accomplished”? I guess the mission was to be less than victorious. I should set those sorts of goals for myself. My mission is to have a job, but not necessarily go to it or do a good job when I do show up.
Five years ago, just before the start of the Iraq war Bush’s approval rating was 71% (although I suspect that most of the people taking part in the survey were gay-bashing, NASCAR watching, red-state residents who probably couldn’t tell you the meaning of the of the word “approval”). Today, his rating has dropped 40 points to an all time low of 31%. The 40-point drop is almost identical to the drop President Lyndon Johnson faced during the Vietnam War. George Bush still thinks that history will look back favorably upon him. I know in my family we celebrate “The Wonderful Vietnam War” Day every year. Mmm, I can taste the hot-dogs, heroin, and napalm already.
During a speech at the Pentagon last Wednesday, the president called the debate over Iraq "understandable" but insisted that a continued U.S. presence in the region was crucial. "Defeating this enemy in Iraq will make it less likely we will face this enemy here at home," he said. Sadly, his words are hollow. The fact is that we are empowering and enlisting the enemy in Iraq, making it much MORE likely that they will again strike us here at home. Just a few quick points to remember after five years:
*Bush ordered U.S. troops into Iraq on March 19, 2003, after months of (unfounded) warnings that Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein was hiding stockpiles of chemical and biological weapons and efforts to build a nuclear bomb.*U.N. weapons inspectors found no sign of banned weapons before the invasion, and the CIA later concluded that Iraq had dismantled its weapons programs in the 1990s.*More than 4,000 Americans have died in Iraq since then, and estimates of the Iraqi toll range from about 80,000 to 150,000 or more.*Almost 160,000 U.S. troops remain in Iraq, and the war has cost U.S. taxpayers about $600 billion, according to the House Budget Committee.
I fail to see how his approval rating is anything higher than 0%.

WHEN IT COMES TO EXPERIENCE, THE ONLY THING FOREIGN TO HILARY’S POLICY IS THE TRUTH
Hillary Clinton's campaign said that she "misspoke" last week when saying she had landed under sniper fire during a trip to Bosnia as first lady in March 1996. She later characterized the episode as a "misstatement" and a "minor blip." Misspoke? Misstatement? When I was a kid we called this “lying”. I hope the next thing she’s involved with surrounding “miss” is missing out on the democratic nomination. The Obama campaign suggested the statement was a deliberate exaggeration by Clinton, who often cites the goodwill trip with her daughter and several celebrities as an example of her foreign policy experience.
During a speech last Monday on Iraq, she said of the Bosnia trip: "I remember landing under sniper fire. There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base."
According to an Associated Press story at the time, Clinton was placed under no extraordinary risks on the trip. And one of her companions, comedian Sinbad, told The Washington Post he has no recollection either of the threat or reality of gunfire. I’ve been to several countries outside of the U.S. and I don’t claim to have foreign policy experience and I believe that taking Sinbad to another country in no way, shape, or form constitutes “Good Will” (unless I’m unaware that the real definition of good will is actually “Terrible Comedy”).
Asked about the issue during a meeting with the Philadelphia Daily News' editorial board on Monday, Clinton again said that she "misspoke.""I went to 80 countries, you know. I gave contemporaneous accounts, I wrote about a lot of this in my book. You know, I think that, a minor blip, you know, if I said something that, you know, I say a lot of things — millions of words a day — so if I misspoke, that was just a misstatement," she said. What? First of all Hilary, ramble much? Second, I wish I could get away with using your logic. I’m sorry officer (employer, judge, spouse, etc), I say so many things on a daily basis that you can’t expect all of my words to be truthful. I know I said I wasn’t speeding but what I really meant was please go fuck yourself.
"Everyone else was told to sit on their bulletproof vests," Clinton recalled of the flight into Bosnia "And we came in, in an evasive maneuver. ... There was no greeting ceremony, and we basically were told to run to our cars. Now, that is what happened."
Her words (perhaps misspoken again) directly contradict a CBS News video of the Bosnia trip posted on YouTube, which shows Clinton and her daughter, Chelsea, walking across the tarmac from a large cargo plane, smiling and waving, and stopping to shake hands with Bosnia's acting president and greet an 8-year-old girl. Perhaps this video was just missfilmed or it’s my fault and I simply misswatched it.

DID YOUR BARACKET OBAMA?
How’s your NCAA pool looking this year, not so good? Did you have Villanova beating Clemson and then Siena (not Vanderbilt) to make the Sweet 16? I did. Did you have Davidson upsetting both Gonzaga and Georgetown? I doubt it. Once again, I did. My Final Four is still completely intact and I have seven of my Elite Eight’s still dancing (thanks for letting me down Pittsburgh, I guess that’s all I can expect from Philadelphia Junior). Does any of this really matter? No. Do I like to use this forum to toot my own horn? Yes. What is most important? It’s not whether I win or lose the office pool (and several hundred dollars) but whether or not the Villanova Wildcats (where my father attended law-school and for whom I have rooted for over 20 years) can continue on their winning ways and upset Kansas and then Wisconsin or Davidson to make the Final Four. That would be something to truly get excited about. In N.I.T. news, my UMASS Minutemen upset Syracuse for the second time this season last night to stay alive. If the NCAA is the dance, I guess the N.I.T. is the alternative prom.

WELCOME TO THE SOFT-DRINK JUNGLE
After seventeen years of artistic toiling and tweaking; will free soda finally convince Guns N' Roses front-man Axl Rose to release 'Chinese Democracy’?
Dr. Pepper is leaning on the volatile singer to release the album (delayed for a mind-boggling thirteen years), pledging that they'll give every American aside from Rose's guitarist foes Slash and Buckethead, a free can of soda if the album is released this year.
The company says they understand Rose's artistic integrity due to their own struggle to create their soft drink. "It took a little patience for us to perfect Dr Pepper's special mix of 23 ingredients, so we completely understand and empathize with Axl's need for the perfect album," said a company spokesperson. It looks like those 23 ingredients could be expanded to 25 with the addition of two new flavors (for your ear), Guns and Roses.
'Chinese Democracy' has become one of the most notorious examples of a highly-anticipated album that may never be released. Rose's infamous perfectionism has kept the album off the shelves for nearly two decades, save for some less-than-finished song leaks on the Internet. My only hope is that if the album is released it follows in the steps of Dr. Pepper and that Diet Guns and Roses sounds more like Original Guns and Roses.

SPRING HAS SPRUNG
Winter has come to an end and spring is upon us. I hope you all take advantage of the nice weather and spend a little time outside this weekend (unless you’re glued to the NCAA games; that’s completely understandable). I want to remind all of you registered PA voters that our big primary is just around the corner and to encourage you to vote for Barack Obama. If you missed his latest (and perhaps greatest) speech, you can catch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWe7wTVbLUU

A quick belated Happy Birthday to my father who celebrated turning 65 earlier this month as well as a Happy Pre-Birthday to my friend Nina who will be celebrating a week from today.
Thanks again for dropping by, I hope you’ll take sometime today to share this site with several people. Yes, I said several. Please make sure you stop back soon, to get more truth, straight from the Spoon.

MISSISSKINNY?

2008-02-27T23:22:00.002-05:00

WE RESERVE THE RIGHT TO REFUSE SERVICE TO UNRULY OR OVERWEIGHT PATRONS
Proposed legislation in Mississippi would prohibit restaurants from serving obese customers. That’s right Fat Boy, you might as well pour ranch dressing on those dollar bills and eat ‘em right up because your money is no good here. It is not clear according to the proposed legislation where obese people are expected to eat. Maybe they will propose state-run health restaurants where only card carrying portly Mississippians are welcome? This outrageous bill has nutrition experts seeing red.
These experts say that the proposed bill, still in committee, is "ridiculous," "insane" and a wrong-headed approach to solving the national obesity epidemic.
State Rep. John Read, a Republican who is one of the bill's three authors, says he wasn't trying to offend anybody and never even expected the plan to become law.
"I was trying to shed a little light on the No. 1 problem in Mississippi," he says. About one-third of Americans are obese (30 or more pounds over a healthy weight), and 66% are overweight or obese. Even so, obesity experts are outraged by the bill.
Mississippi has the highest obesity rate in the USA. Would the bill only prohibit obese residents of Mississippi from dining in the state’s restaurants or would it give the boot to all hefty out of town diners as well?
According to Kelly Brownell, director of Yale University's Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity,
"This brings bias against obese individuals to a new and appalling level; and at a time when significant progress is being made in the effort to stop blaming obesity on the people who have it and to address the social and political conditions that drive it. Are these legislators fighting to get rid of soft drinks in schools? Are they working to stop the relentless marketing of unhealthy foods to children? Are they doing anything about the fact that poor people do not have access to healthy foods?"
What about civil rights? How would you even enforce these laws? Would hostesses be required to keep a scale at the front door to weigh any over-weight customers as they entered the store? They could set up two vertical pillars about two feet apart with a sign: “You must be this thin to dine here”.
Michael Jacobson, executive director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest, says the bill sponsors "should be ashamed of themselves. Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be for an overweight high school student to go to a restaurant with a few slimmer friends and not be allowed to buy certain foods?"
What’s next, an additional charge of $2 to any customer who doesn’t finish all of their vegetables or a strictly enforced policy of “No dessert until you finish your entire dinner”?
I think instead of wasting our time with hate-legislation maybe the House should pass a bill stating that idiots can’t run for elected positions.

HEARTBREAKERS DAY
This past Valentine’s Day was the first one I’ve spent as a single guy in about ten years. I was never a real fan of the “holiday” anyway but my significant other (whoever that was at the time) always enjoyed celebrating so I played along. It was nice to see them happy. I was always of the opinion that romance is spontaneous. What’s so romantic about bringing someone flowers when they are expecting them? Spending this past holiday alone got me to thinking, why should there just be a holiday to celebrate love? Why not an equal holiday on the other-side of the calendar (August 14th) as Heartbreaker’s Day? It would be great. It would be the perfect day to end that relationship that has been dragging on a little too long, or to call up your ex to tell them how happy you are without them. Have plans with your girlfriend? Not any more! Cancel at the last minute and go take in a baseball game with the boys. There might even be time to swing by the strip club on the way home. Ladies, sick of biting your tongue about the extra weight your man has put on? Stop dropping hints and call him out. Every Ying has to have its Yang and I think this would be the perfect compliment to a holiday that drives every single person insane.

DON’T COUNT YOUR PERFECT CHICKENS BEFORE THEY HATCH
The New York Giants may have won the Super Bowl and put an end to the Patriot’s run at perfection, but don’t tell that to the children of Nicaragua.
The NFL donated 290 Patriots hats and 290 team jerseys trumpeting the slogans “Super Bowl Champions, 19-0” to impoverished children from two small communities in southern Nicaragua.
The gifts (donated on February 15th) could not change history; the Patriots lost the Feb. 3 game to the New York Giants 17-14. They did however, made a lot of youngsters in the communities of San Gregorio and Buena Vista very happy, said Miriam Diaz, spokeswoman for the humanitarian organization World Vision, which arranged the donation with the NFL.
“They (Patriots) lost, but the children won,” Diaz said.
The only “football” most of the children in Nicaragua know is soccer, but they were very enthusiastic about the U.S. version of the game once the rules were explained to them, she said.
“They were very happy to receive the hats and jerseys,” Diaz said. “They said they did not expect such a surprise.”
Neither did the Patriots.

WALMART ROLLS BACK CIVIL RIGHTS ALONG WITH LOW PRICES
Wal-Mart Stores Inc. has apologized to a Muslim woman who said she was mocked because of her face veil.
"Please don't stick me up," a cashier told the shopper on Feb. 2, according to The Council on American-Islamic Relations.
Wal-Mart apologized last Monday in a letter signed by Rolando Rodriquez, a vice president and regional general manager. It was released last Tuesday by the council's Nevada chapter.
"I can assure you that the associate in question was disciplined in accordance with our employment policies as a result of the situation," Rodriguez said without disclosing details.
Rodriguez said employees at the Riverdale store would undergo "sensitivity training," specifically in the Islamic faith and Muslim culture. Specifically in Islamic faith and Muslim culture? Sure, forget the rest of us. I guess Wal-Mart has already taken other steps to avoid conflicts between customers and employees. It probably goes something like this: “We’ve rolled back our prices so much that Jews don’t even attempt to get a better deal. In addition our clothing line is so unfashionable that no self-respecting homosexual would dare focus his queer-eye here. Blacks and Hispanics make up a large part of the Wal-Mart family…just go check out the stock room if you need any more proof”.
Personally I am shocked. With Wal-Mart’s strict hiring practices I’m amazed that a cashier even took the time to look up from bitching to her co-worker at the next register to even notice how a customer was dressed.

HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM
The Rocket seems to be functioning properly but there is a question of whether or not an additive was incorporated into the fuel supply. More importantly…who cares? How much more of our time and tax-payer money is going to be wasted investigating Roger Clemens? Maybe he cheated, maybe he didn’t; does it really matter? Will the starving children be fed when we get to the bottom of this mystery? Will it create new jobs or a better education system? Will it bring our troops home safely? I didn’t think so. It is now alleged that pictures have appeared of Clemens at a 1998 party at the home of Jose Canseco; a party that Clemens, under oath, denied attending. He may have been there and lied about it, and he might not have been there. It’s also possible that he was there and forgot about it. I can’t tell you every party I attended ten years ago. Why are people so concerned with this issue? I understand why Congress is; anything to take attention away from REAL issues, but why does the public care (especially when it’s our tax dollars going to fund this circus)? If Congress wants to go after someone or something, go after Bud Selig and MLB for allowing this to happen for so many years and then trying their best to cover it up. Personally, if I was given a choice about where our tax dollars go, investigations into alleged steroid use in sports wouldn’t make the top 500. Sports are supposed to entertain us. I don’t feel cheated by the player’s steroid or HGH use, I feel cheated out of my tax dollars and my public services.

LET’S END ON A HIGH NOTE
I’d just like to take a quick minute to urge everyone to vote for Barack Obama. I truly believe he is the best choice for Americans and for our relations with the rest of the world. I would also like to wish a happy upcoming birthday to my dad Stephen who is a wonderful man and father. I love you dad. Check back soon, to get more truth, straight from the Spoon!

SUPER EDITION

2008-02-05T01:35:00.000-05:00

A LOOK BACK AT THE SUPERBOWL AND A LOOK FORWARD TO SUPER TUESDAY:

THE CHANTS OF “1918” WILL NOW BE REPLACED WITH “19: 18 (AND 1)”

Whoever thought an 18-1 season could be a failure? The 18-1 season that ended yesterday for New England with a 17-14 loss to the NY Giants in Superbowl XLII was just that; a tremendous failure. How different this season could have been for the New England Patriots. They added three stellar wide-receivers in Randy Moss, Wes Welker, and Donte Stallworth. They had a golden boy quarterback, a genius coach, and a top notch defense. Week one started with a 38-14 win over the Jets in New York. The Patriots won the game but illegally taped the Jets during the game. The Jets coach, Eric Mangini (a former assistant of New England coach Bill Belichick) knew of the Patriots taping techniques and decided to blow the whistle. The league investigated and wound up fining Belichick $500,000 and stripping New England of their first round draft pick. “Spy-gate” (what the media has dubbed the scandal) also raised questions of how long the Pats had been breaking the rules (cheating) and the legitimacy of their previous regular season, and post-season, victories. The Patriots seemed unaffected as they built upon their week one success with victory after victory: 5-0, 10-0, 15-0, and finally after beating the NY Giants in the last week of the season by three points, 16-0; the undefeated regular season. The first 16-0 regular season in history (The 1972 Dolphins had gone 14-0 during the regular season and capped it off with the first undefeated season in history after winning the Superbowl). They rested through their first round playoff bye. Then the Jacksonville Jaguars came to Foxborough. They too fell to the mighty Patriots. Next up was the San Diego Chargers. The team that felt the Patriots had disrespected them on their home field in the playoffs the season before. Had the Chargers been at full strength with a healthy Rivers, Tomlinson, and Gates, things might have been different; but no excuses. The Patriots won the game, improved to 18-0, and punched their ticket to Superbowl XLII in Arizona. They stood on the cusp of history. Vegas listed them as 14 point favorites (which was eventually lowered to 12). Everyone was ready to crown them the greatest team in football history. 19-0, 4 titles in 7 years, and a quarterback who had matched his boyhood idol Joe Montana by going 4-0 in his first four Superbowls. The only problem? The Giants obviously didn’t get the memo. Plaxico Burress predicted a Giants win and was laughed at. Tom Brady actually laughed at Plaxico’s prediction that the Patriots would only score 17 points. In the end, they didn’t even score that many. The Giants showed up ready to play. The Patriots looked as if they had shown up to cash in on their birthright. They went for it on 4th and 13 early in the game instead of attempting a 48 yard field goal that could have given them the three points that they eventually lost by. With less than 3 minutes left in the game, his team down four points, Eli Manning (who I have vocally dismissed as a sub-par QB many times) drove his team down the field like a cool, calm, collected pro and scored the game winning touchdown (throwing the winning pass to none other than Plaxico Burress). The Giants defense sacked Tom Brady all night long making him ineffective. The Giants were the better team. With one second left on the clock and one play remaining, Patriot’s coach Bill Belichick left his team on the field, abandoning them, and headed to the locker room instead of staying to congratulate Eli or any of the Giants players. For a man who claims to have great respect for the game of football, I found this to be a totally classless act by Belichick.
The Giants (who went 10-6 during the regular season including that week 17 loss to the Patriots) won three straight road playoff games (over Tampa Bay, Dallas, and Green Bay) on their way to winning the Superbowl on a neutral site. They finished the season 14-6. They finished the season as champions. The Patriots finished 18-1. They finished as failures. Now there are new Spy-gate allegations including one that the Patriots filmed the Ram’s final walk through before beating them to win their first Superbowl in 2001. If this is true, The NFL has reserved the right to levy additional penalties against Bill Belichick and the Patriots. Could this include stripping them of Superbowl titles? Only time will tell. How different this season could have been. If the Patriots had started off the season with a loss to the Jets and had then won eighteen straight, they still would have finished the season 18-1, they would have won eighteen straight games to get there, they would have won their 4th Superbowl in seven years, and Spy-gate might never have come to light. If the Patriots had lost their week 17 game against the Giants, but still finished 18-1, they would have still won the Superbowl. The perfection of the first eighteen games is certainly a difficult feat, but it means nothing without the Lombardi Trophy to cap off the season. In the end, the Pats won eighteen straight, were shown to be cheaters, were shown to have a classless coach, and will be marked as the biggest chokers in NFL history. After listening to the Pats’ players talk about all the “Humble Pie” Belichick fed them all season long, I think it’s safe to assume that they choked on it. If I were them, I’d work on chewing techniques before next season.

KNIGHT IN PATRIOT ARMOR

One day removed from the Superbowl I want to be the first uncover a little “smoke and mirrors” move between coaching friends. Last Tuesday, during Superbowl media day, New England Coach Bill Belichick discussed his relationship with Bob Knight (coach of Texas Tech’s men’s basketball team) and other successful coaches. Knight and Belichick met through Bill Parcels, Belichick’s former boss when the two won Super Bowl championships with the Giants in 1986 and 1990.
According to Belichick, he and Knight often talk about coaching. The two men have each won three championships in their respective sports as head coaches.
“It’s not specific to football or basketball,” Belichick elaborated, “but more just how to be a coach.”
He also said that he and Knight have discussed how to handle players and prepare for big games, something the Patriots have gotten used to in the past seven seasons.
“There’s nobody I have more respect for in the coaching fraternity than Coach Knight,” Belichick said. “He’s been very helpful.”
Hmmm. How helpful? So helpful that a day after Belichick lost the biggest game of his career and is being called classless and a cheater by members of the media across the nation, that Knight would suddenly retire from coaching without notice after more than forty seasons and 900 victories? Even those closest to Knight are saying that his retirement comes as a total shock. Why now? Why not wait until the end of the season to let his son take the reigns as head coach? Very few sports stories could take attention away from the Patriots loss and Belichick’s actions after the game (let alone the new Spy-gate allegations). The retirement of Bobby Knight (which many expected to come at the end of this season anyway) is one of them. It smells a little fishy to me. Personally, I’m happy to see the Patriots lose, Belichick’s “genius” and sportsmanship questioned, and Bobby Knight no longer able to terrorize players, refs, and journalists.

LET’S MAKE SURE TO PUT THE SUPER, IN SUPER TUESDAY

I would like to start off by officially endorsing Barack Obama for President on this Super Tuesday. While I believe that Hilary Clinton would represent a change for this country, and it would be important to have a woman as President, I don't think she offers enough change. She is part of the Clinton machine. After 8 years of Clinton, and 8 horrible years of Bush, I think Obama would do more to unify the country and usher in an era of true change. I believe it would not only be a great leap to have an African-American as president, but to have such an inspiring man as president. If you have never taken the time to listen to one of Obama's speeches, take a minute, Google his speeches, and listen for a few minutes before you head out to vote. If you’re too lazy for that, just click on this link http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=131284&fr= for one of my personal favorites. Don’t just read one of his speeches; listen to him speak. Of course in the end it is your right to vote for whichever candidate you like but I'd been asked my opinion by several readers so I wanted to share my endorsement. Above all I urge you to vote, regardless of who you vote for. Make your voice heard.

HUNGRY FOR MORE?

A good friend of mine sent me the following email (slightly edited) this week and I wanted to share it with all of you. The messages in the email, as well as on the site she suggests visiting, are worth repeating:
Hello Friends,
Since I’ve received so many forwards from people touting the qualities of Barack Obama (and sometimes Hillary Clinton) as a presidential candidate, I thought I’d send out a little critique of these two. Especially for those of you that rely on mainstream media to get your election news, this is a great reason why Indymedia and other non-mainstream sources (like the fabulous http://www.spoonfulloftruth.com/) offer an important perspective that I hope we won’t ignore merely because the Bush regime scares us.
http://www.indypendent.org/2008/02/04/the-indy%e2%80%99s-guide-to-the-primaries/
Thanks for taking the time to think critically J

WITH THAT OUT OF THE WAY, LET’S TAKE A LOOK AT THE ACTUAL ELECTION PROCESS

Primaries…How do they work? You would think it would just be simple. Whichever Democrat gets the most votes should get the endorsement, right? Not so fast. There is the ridiculous system of delegates to work through. Not only is the system in which delegates are divided, awarded, and disallowed confusing, but candidates can also award delegates they received to other delegates. This means that John Edwards for example, once counted out of the race, could award his delegates to either Clinton or Obama in return for the becoming Veep or having some of his policies instated, and all but decide the nomination for himself. Let’s try to clear up a little of the confusion.

*All states do not have the same amount of Delegates. There is a huge variation. The most populous states like California, Texas, and New York, have many times more delegates than the smallest states.

*The goal of all candidates is to win the support of as many delegates as possible, as early as possible in the primary season. Not all delegates have to vote at the convention in accordance with the result of the primaries and caucuses. Only a certain number of pledged delegates have to follow the vote, determined by the result of the primary or caucus in their state. The rest compromise the unpledged delegates.

*Pledged delegates form a majority (about 80% of the total).

*Unpledged delegates are free to choose which candidate to support.
The unpledged delegates are mostly high-ranking party officials such as members of Congress and state governors. (The Democrats call them Superdelegates.)

*In a close race, candidates have to make a large effort to woo the unpledged delegates, as well as campaigning for the support of ordinary voters.

*Only a simple majority of delegates is required for the nomination.

Let’s continue with a little Q&A on the subject courtesy of BBC:

Is the number of pledged delegates a candidate wins in a primary or caucus always proportionate to the number of votes he or she receives?

No, not always. The rules vary from state to state and from party to party.

In some states the Republicans operate a winner-takes-all system, where the candidate who wins the most support state-wide gets all the delegates.

In others, the winner-takes-all principle operates at the level of congressional districts: the candidate who does best in a district wins all the delegates available in that district.

The Republicans also use a proportional system in some states.

The Democrats always use some form of proportional system, but even then a candidate's share of the vote in a state and his or her share of the delegates can turn out to be quite different.

For example, when delegates are awarded on the basis of results in individual congressional districts, the rules do not guarantee strict proportionality.

It's possible for one candidate to beat the other soundly in a district with an even number of delegates, but for the delegates to be split between them equally.

Meanwhile, in a district with an odd number of delegates even a narrow win gives the winner an extra delegate.

Are delegates awarded immediately after the primary or caucus?

After a primary, which takes the form of a state-wide ballot, delegates are usually awarded quickly.

But caucuses are a different matter. The candidates and the media focus only on the first stage of the caucus, when precincts choose delegates to send to the county caucuses.

It's only much later, at the state convention, that delegates for the national party convention are finally chosen.

This does not stop experts projecting the final allocation of delegates from the results of the precinct caucuses.

Major US media employ their own experts, who produce their own, often conflicting, calculations, within hours of the result.

When do unpledged delegates declare their support for a candidate?

They can do this any time they like. They can also change their mind before the convention.

How tightly bound are pledged delegates to a given candidate?

It varies from state to state. In some cases they are not really bound at all, and the distinction between pledged and unpledged delegates is all but meaningless.

In others they may be bound to support a given candidate in the first ballot held at the convention, and then be free to make their own choice.

Or they may be bound to support the candidate through two, or three, rounds of voting, or even all the way to the final vote of the convention.

If no candidate accumulates a winning number of delegates before the convention, then what?

A convention that begins without a clear winner is referred to as a brokered, or contested convention.

If no winner emerges from the early ballots, the rivals may have to negotiate.

If candidate X offers candidate Y the Vice-Presidency, say, candidate Y's supporters may then help candidate X defeat candidate Z.

Could the numbers of delegates at the convention change?

It's possible.

As things stand, the Democratic convention will have 4,049 delegates in total and the Republican convention will have 2,380.

However, these figures would have been higher if the Democratic Party had not barred all delegates from Florida and Michigan, and the Republican Party had not disqualified half the delegates from these two states, and from New Hampshire, South Carolina and Wyoming.

If the race is still undecided in either party by the time of the conventions come around, the pressure for the disqualified delegates to be re-admitted could become intense.

Hillary Clinton is already lobbying to have the Democratic delegates from Florida and Michigan reinstated.

ALL THAT INFORMATION MADE MY HEAD HURT. I SHOULD GO OUTSIDE, GET SOME FRESH AIR, AND VOTE!

I hope you enjoyed this SUPER edition of the Spoon. It was fun to look back at the SUPERbowl, as well as ahead to the excitement of this SUPER Tuesday. Please take a moment today to share the link to this site with a few people and above all else, VOTE.

2008: 7 DOWN, 1 TO GO

2008-01-16T17:14:00.000-05:00

THE RUMORS OF MY DEATH HAVE BEEN GREATLY EXERGERATED
It has been over two months since I last published the Spoon, Full of Truth and rumors were beginning to swirl. Had Spoon retired? Had I joined the writers’ strike? Had my desire to bring the truth to light died? The questions varied but the answer did not, no. I could sit here and offer excuses as to my absence or I could put the past to bed and start off 2008 with an action packed bang; I chose the latter. Last month marked the two year anniversary of this marriage of humor and wisdom and I say that is cause for celebration. Raise your glass, eat your cake, and prepare your brain…it is time for my triumphant return!

IF WASTING MONEY WERE AN OLYMPIC EVENT, THE U.S. GOVERNMENT WOULD TAKE HOME THE GOLD
We are two weeks removed from 2007 but that’s no reason not to bring to attention some news worthy stories that you might have missed. Last year, U.S. House members spent $20.3 million in tax money to send constituents the government equivalent of junk mail: meeting announcements, tips on car care and job interviews, surveys on public policy, and plain old bragging. All in all, they sent nearly 116 million pieces of mail; many of them glossy productions filled with flattering photos and lists of the latest roads and bridges the lawmaker has brought home to the district (according to an Associated Press review of public records). Some of the advice offered covered topics that you would more commonly expect to see in a consumer-advice column.
"Keep your car properly maintained" to improve mileage, suggested Rep. Tim Murphy, R-Pa., in a newsletter on how to deal with rising energy prices.
Thanks for the car care tip, but last I checked your name was Tim, and not Manny, Mo, or Jack.
A dozen House members spent more than $133,000 each to send 9.8 million pieces of mass mailings at a total cost of $1.8 million. Sometimes the lawmakers' taxpayer funded mailings topped what they paid for direct mail through their campaign funds! This is what my taxes are going to? I thought every last cent was being squandered on the blunder in the Middle East. Hey Reps…next time you spend my tax dollars on a mail campaign, how about you mail me some coupons good for discounts on health insurance, a free gallon of gas, or a lower interest rate on my student loans? Is there a “do-not-mail” list I can sign up for (along the lines of the “do-not-call” list for telephone solicitation)?
The House Democratic Caucus encourages members to use the mailings to communicate with constituents, spokeswoman Sarah Feinberg said. She said it was a good way for congressmen to focus on an issue or, if survey questions are used, get a handle on what constituents are thinking. So you’re using my tax dollars to figure out what I’m thinking so you can make empty campaign promises come election time in a hope to get reelected? You don’t have to waste any more of my money to send me junk mail. I’ll tell you what my concerns are right now, for free…end the war in Iraq, give Americans free health care, and hold our reckless president accountable for crimes against foreigners and U.S. citizens alike!

MA BELL FILES FOR DIVORCE FROM UNCLE SAM
Several telephone companies have cut off FBI wiretaps used to eavesdrop on suspected criminals because of the bureau's repeated failures to pay phone bills on time.
A Justice Department audit released last Thursday blamed the lost connections on the FBI's lax oversight of money used in undercover investigations. In one office alone, unpaid costs for wiretaps from a single phone company totaled $66,000! More than half of 990 bills to pay for telecommunication surveillance in five unidentified FBI field offices were not paid on time, the report shows.
"We also found that late payments have resulted in telecommunications carriers actually disconnecting phone lines established to deliver surveillance results to the FBI, resulting in lost evidence," said Inspector General Glenn A. Fine who helped conduct the audit. Well it finally looks like our governments complete mismanagement of money has finally come back to haunt them. In some cases I think this is good. They were conducting several illegal investigations through wiretaps and I am happy to see the phone companies halt these practices that lawmakers preferred to turn a blind-eye to. In some cases this is not good news as evidence of actual terrorists is being lost.
Assistant FBI Director John Miller said wiretaps were dropped only a few times because of the backed-up billing, which he said didn't significantly set back the investigations under way. He said the FBI "will not tolerate financial mismanagement, or worse," and is working to fix the problems. I find it funny the things our government says it “will not tolerate”. Doesn’t it seem this comment is always made in response to actions that they have already been caught doing? They never say in advance that these actions will not be tolerated. It’s always after the fact and always while they continue to tolerate them. At this point the score is somewhere close to:
Actions: 647
Words: 0
"While in a few instances, late-payment of telephone bills resulted in interruptions of the timely delivery of surveillance results, these interruptions were temporary and in our assessment, none of those cases were significantly affected," Miller said in a statement Thursday evening. Blah, blah, blah. So let me get this straight, in the FBI assessment, the FBI’s failure to pay bills on time didn’t significantly affect their investigations? What about in the assessment of an independent surveyor? In George Bush’s opinion, he’s doing a great job as President. In Barry Bond’s opinion he hasn’t cheated. If it was up to people, bureaus, or companies to fully review themselves I don’t think we’d often see negative reviews. Point and case: The report released Thursday was a highly edited version of Fine's eighty-seven page audit that the FBI deemed too sensitive to be viewed publicly. Shocker. It focused on what the bureau admitted was an "antiquated" system to track money sent to its fifty-six field offices nationwide for undercover work.
The American Civil Liberties Union called on the FBI to release the entire, unedited audit. The ACLU, which has been critical of some of the government's wiretapping programs, also took a swipe at telecommunication companies that allowed the eavesdropping as long as they are getting paid. It’s funny what people will put up with as long as you’re lining their pockets.
Fine's report offered sixteen recommendations to improve the FBI's tracking and management of the funding system, including its telecommunication costs. I have a few suggestions for this list beginning with actually tracking money, and paying bills on time. I’m expected to pay my bills on time so I use on-line bill paying. It would appear that technology has reached my apartment but hasn’t yet made its way south to D.C. and Virginia. I use Comcast high-speed internet, sounds like the FBI is using DSL. If any of you phone companies need help getting the FBI to settle their debt, give me a call. I’ll be happy to put you in touch with the debt collection agencies that Bank of America unleashed on me after a little frivolous spending in my college days. Of the sixteen recommendations offered to the FBI to improve the situation, the FBI has agreed to follow eleven of the suggestions. One was found unnecessary. Four "would be either unfeasible or too cost prohibitive." The recommendations were not specifically outlined in the edited version of the report. I can guess what at least one of the cost prohibitive ideas was: paying the bills.

FAMILY PAVES THE WAY FOR THE WORST ENGLISH MARRIAGE SINCE EGGS, BEANS, AND STEWED TOMATOS CAME TOGETHER TO FORM “BREAKFAST”
I’ve heard many strange “separated at birth” stories before, but this one takes the (wedding) cake. Last Friday in London, it was announced that twins who were separated at birth got married without realizing they were brother and sister. This news according to a lawmaker who urged that more information be provided on birth certificates for adopted children. A court quickly annulled the British couple's union after they discovered their true relationship, Lord David Alton said.
"Everyone has a right to knowledge about their lineage, genealogy and identity. And if they don't, then it will lead to cases of incest," Alton told The Associated Press during a telephone interview Friday. I would agree with Alton on several of his points but I’m not sure how often it would really lead to incest. I think in most cases of incest (back me up here West Virginia) people are fully aware that they are related to their partner and simply don’t care. Jerry Lee Lewis all but ended his career to wed his thirteen year old second cousin. Even the knowledge of incest couldn’t extinguish the desire burning in his great balls of fire. According to Alton, "They (the English couple) were never told that they were twins. They met later in life and felt an inevitable attraction, and the judge had to deal with the consequences of the marriage that they entered into and all the issues of their separation." Divorce is hard enough. Imagine finding out that the person you were in love and intimate with turned out to be your sibling! What feelings would that bring up? Would you be able to just turn off the romantic love that you had build over time? Under British law, only a mother has to be named on a birth certificate. These certificates are not required to identify births that result from in vitro fertilization or to identify the sperm donor. That means that the same donor egg and sperm could be used by a surrogate mother to deliver twins without any information later available to the resulting children.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
Many of you long time readers may remember an old Spoon segment called “The List”. While I have not published a new edition of the list in a while, this next segment is somewhat list-esque. Instead of focusing on groups of people, it will call to attention things that have been getting under my skin recently. At the end, for you newbies (and in honor of the two year anniversary of this site) I will republish some of my favorites from past “Lists”.

1) There are several things I’ve been subjected to for too long and I can no longer hold my silence. Let’s start with Jared from Subway. Okay Jared we all get it. You were a big fat guy. You ate Subway subs for a while and you lost a whole lot of weight. Subway was so eager to cash in on the weight loss craze that they signed you to be featured on their ad campaigns. What a feel good story. But that was what, ten years ago? I’m sick of seeing your fugly mug on Subway commercials. So they have Subway sandwiches that melt away the pounds (when you start eating them instead of greasy cheese burgers and entire sticks of butter); big deal. When are they going to come up with a Subway sub that melts away the ugly? Here’s what I propose. Jared probably gets free Subway wherever he goes. If Jared wanders into your local Subway and you happen to be his “sandwich artist” that day, spread a little Weight Gainer 3000 on his roll! Before we all know it, he’ll be tipping the scales at 500 pounds again. While you’re at it, throw in a pot-brownie to make sure his munchies kick in well into the rest of his day. I used to feel good for this guy that he’d found a way to win the battle of the bulge. Now that he’s got his battle, I’m ready for him to lose the war.

2) I'm sick of the constant airing of ads for medication for men with erectile dysfunction. Viagra, Cialis, Levitra…they all make a point of saying how it's perfect for men with high blood pressure or Diabetes.
“Erectile dysfunction (ED or [male] impotence) is a sexual dysfunction characterized by the inability to develop or maintain an erection of the penis. There are various underlying causes, such as cardiovascular leakage and diabetes, many of which are medically treatable”.
In an attempt to clear the air, just because Diabetes can lead to erectile dysfunction, doesn't mean all of us diabetic men can't get it up (references available upon request).
Why doesn’t Viagra’s advertising department go after the whiskey-dick contingent?
“Viagra great for men with high blood-pressure that consume too much bourbon”

3) I was in a small mini-mart around the corner from my apartment the other night to buy a bottle of soda when I witnessed (and then was dragged into) a disturbing event. There was a guy on my side of the counter (and lets just say if looking and acting like white-trash was a turn-on, this guy would be Hugh Heffner) who was yelling at the female clerk behind the register. I am in this store on a regular basis and know that she doesn’t own the place but this guy was giving her the 3rd degree as if she did. He kept screaming about the owner not paying his bills. As I stood behind him waiting to pay he turned to me.
“Fucking immigrants…they come to this country and try to rip us all off!” he blabbed “Do you really want to shop in a place where the owner doesn’t even pay his bills? Is that the kind of place you really want to support?”
“Technically unless you are a direct descendant on native people, we’re all immigrants,” I responded. “It’s not as if we’re some ancient civilization from thousands of years ago. This country was founded, and built by, immigrants,”
“Yeah but they aren’t all the same,” he responded, “ You look like you go to work and pay your bills on time,”
I look like I pay my bills on time? I’m not even sure what that means. What does a studious bill payer look like? This guy had obviously never leafed through my mail. I could only assume he was talking about the fact that I was a clean cut, well dressed, white guy.
“Look,” I said, “I don’t care what they do with my money after I spend it. As long as they have cold diet coke and these little twenty-five cent packs on Mike & Ike’s, I’m happy to shop here. Besides, it’s right around the corner. You want to install a cold soda machine in the lobby of my building? Then we can talk about where I shop,”
With that said, I paid for my purchases and left. I was especially happy to have the Mike & Ike’s to take away the bad taste that this idiot had left in my mouth.

THE BEST OF: THE LIST (TYPES OF PEOPLE WHO ANNOY ME)
1) People who still fly the Confederate flag (or have a decal of it on their car or home)—News flash! The civil war is over. Long over. And guess what? You lost! The civil war was basically fought over the legality of slavery. Are you really saying that you wish you could still have slaves? Sadly, I think many of you are. Back to my original point…you lost. You don’t see me wearing a 1993 World Series shirt. Why? For the same reason I don’t wear a 1997 Stanley Cup Championship hat or a 2001 NBA Championship sweatshirt; because the Phillies lost. What’s next, you’re going to try to start spending that trunk load of confederate money that you found in your grand daddy’s attic?

2) People who rely too much on movie reviews—Just because some guy I’ve never heard of, who writes for some publication I’ve never heard of, says a movie is bad, doesn’t make it fact. I’m sick of people turning down an invite to a movie because “it got really bad reviews”. I don’t even listen to people I know and respect when they tell me not to see a movie, why would I listen to some idiot who thinks he’s the messiah of movie quality assurance? Sometimes I want to go see a movie where shit just gets blown up. I don’t care if it wasn’t plot heavy or the acting wasn’t top-notch. I knew it wasn’t going to be top-notch the moment I saw it was starring Bruce Willis. That doesn’t mean I can’t still enjoy it. Stop letting other people decide what movies you are willing to see. Your ability to make your own decisions gets two thumbs down.

3) Men who don’t bald gracefully—There are a lot of you out there. The “I’m not going bald I just decided to shave my head all of a sudden” bald guy. You’re not fooling anyone. We can all still see where the stubble is growing back in and where it’s not. Your receding hairline is still there. Then there’s the “The hair on the left side of my head misses the hair on the right side so it’s going to grow nice and long and travel all the way across the barren waste land that is the crown of my head to go visit his friend” comb-over bald guy. You’re the worst. What’s next? You’re going to grow out your back hair and comb it over the back of your head? Finally there’s the “Look what I planted in my scalp” bald guy. Your hair plugs are simply ridiculous. Don’t get mad at me for staring at them. What do you expect? It’s like a train wreck on your head. You’re like a woman who gets fake tits and wears a low cut shirt and then gets offended when men gawk at them. Do us all a favor and cut it out, literally.

4) People who pull up right behind you in their car when you're trying to parallel park---Remember that little test you had to take to get your driver's license? In order to parallel park, you need to pull PAST the space you want, and then back into it. When I put on my turn signal, and pull past the space, do not pull up right behind me. When you do, I can't back up. But guess what? I'm not going to just drive off. I'm going to sit there. So you're either going to have to back up too, drive around me, or put your car in park and get comfy. I don't know whether you're trying to steal my parking space or you're just too self absorbed to realize that I just pulled past the space (slowly I might add) in order to back in to it, but please, learn to drive.

5) Popped collar kids--- I don't know why you think it looks good to take the collar on your polo shirt and flip it up like a protective cotton shield for the back of your neck. Maybe when you were sailing around the lake on your yacht and the wind blew your collar up like that you thought it was a sign from the fashion gods. It wasn't. It's always you yuppie looking kids that do this. Here's a news flash. Having a lot of money doesn't mean that everything you do is cool. If you want to buy some fashion sense, go right ahead, but it doesn't come free with your trust account. Every time I see one of you I am overwhelmed with the urge to just walk up to you and flip your collar back down. Did you all just get drunk and get awful tattoos on the back of your neck and you're trying to hide them? Is it like a mating call for preppie, yuppie, cool kids? "Hey look at me my collar sticks up, I'm cool!" All other cool-kid collar poppers...here I am!" Stop popping your collars and start popping your heads out of your asses. Please.

6) People who are using the word "artisan" to spice everything up--- I saw on TV the other night that Wendy's has new sandwiches that evidently comes on artisan bread. I don't believe that for a second that Wendy's has employed some master baker who has been honing his craft for years? It's a roll. Your sandwich comes on a roll. Why is it artisan? Because it sounds better? I went out to a restaurant this week for lunch and they had an artisan cheese plate. The sandwich I ordered however, just came on a baguette. If they were going to hire a cheese expert to design their cheese plate, couldn't they have hired a master baker to make artisan baguettes? Even Wendy's has a guy to do that. I've been writing for a while. Maybe I should call this an artisan blog. I also have a friend who farts all the time, ever since we were little kids. But he doesn't let one rip and say, "I sure have a handle on my craft. Did you smell that artisan fart?" Stop calling everything artisan. You are only succeeding at becoming artisans in making words lose all of their meaning by over-using them.

7) Snooty Coffee Shop employees--- If I order a large coffee, just smile and bring me a large coffee. I don't care what fancy, stupid name you give it. "You mean a Grande coffee sir?" Did I ask for a Grande coffee? I said large. If you're smart enough to brew the coffee you should be smart enough to shut your hole and serve it. I refuse to play your over-priced-coffee-with-stupid-names-for-the-sizes mind games. Otherwise I'm going to start paying for my four dollar coffee in pennies and make you stand there while I count them out one at a time. I come to get coffee to keep from getting a headache, not so I can get a bigger one.

8) Chain video store employees that think they are movie critics---You aren't movie critics. I give you my money, you give me my movie. You operate a cash register. You're like a cash machine that gives out movies. I don't ask the ATM for financial advice, "Excuse me ATM, how much money would you recommend that I withdraw today?" I just tell it how much money I want and it gives it to me. You're just there to bring me the movie I ask for. I don't want your opinion of the movie, or any other movie, unless I ask you for it. I don't ask the people at McDonald's what they suggest I order, "Do you think I'd enjoy the Big Mac or McNuggets better?" You know why? Because they don't know me. They don't know what I'd like better. They know what they like better. So please, when I tell you what movie I want, don't comment on it, don't suggest something I'd like better, just bring me the movie I asked for. You clowns get two thumbs down.

QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s hard to concentrate with a guy coming in your face like that,”
--Darryl Johnson (football commentator), while discussing the difficulty of a quarterback staying poised in the pocket while a large defensive tackle is rushing directly at him.

RANDOM THOUGHTS
**Eventually just by default I think we’ll have an STD that only has good symptoms. For example, if a woman contracts Melonitis her vagina would then smell and taste like watermelon. Come on science! If Ronald Reagan can make Ketchup a vegetable then we should have fruit-flavored vaginas by 2010 at the latest.

**Some friends of mine came over last night and my one friend had recently gotten a nose job. She was commenting on an artsy menorah that I have sitting out (we are both Jewish by birth) and it struck me that a nose job is kind of like the Jewish circumcision for girls. Not that every Jewish girl needs a nose-job by any means but you all know what I’m talking about.

**My trip in November to Brazil with my brother was the best time I’ve ever had. I had never been to South America before and found the culture, landscape, food, night-life, and women irresistible. It was also the most time I’ve gotten to spend with my brosef in a long time and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I’ll post a few stories and photos in my next post.

**Where’s Waldo? I feel like no one’s seen him in a while.

**Thank you Evian for informing me on your label that zero calories are zero percent of my daily value of calories. If you’re not smart enough to figure that out on your own you can probably just drink out of a garden hose or something.

FIN
That’s it for today folks. I hope you are more informed, amused, and possibly slightly offended than you were before dropping by. Please share this sight with a few people today, caring means sharing. This is going to be an exciting year. Hang on, it’s gonna be one hell of a ride.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

2007-11-01T21:11:00.000-05:00

U-G-L-Y PHILLY’S GOT NO ALIBI, YOU UGLY
Philadelphia, which recently relinquished our title as America’s fattest city, now has a new award for our wall of shame. According to a poll in Travel and Leisure magazine, of the twenty-five largest cities in the United States, Philadelphia is the ugliest. When I first heard this news I assumed the poll was talking about the beauty of the city itself. After all, we do have some run down areas, graffiti, and a bit of a litter problem. Boy was I wrong. It wasn’t the lack of aesthetically pleasing architecture that was being called into question but rather the attractiveness of our citizens. Of all the major cities in America, Philadelphia has more ugly people in it than any other. Ouch. At first I felt offended. How had we been deemed more unattractive than Washington and Dallas? Last I checked, there is no such thing as an attractive Redskins or Cowboys fan. Once the initial shock began to fade and I thought about it more objectively, I began to wonder if maybe they were on the right path after all. There are a lot of ugly people in this city. If beauty is only skin deep, Philadelphia needs to start exfoliating. It wasn’t too long ago that we were America’s fattest city. In my opinion where there are fat people, there are ugly people. In fact, they are usually one and the same. That’s not to say there aren’t ugly skinny people too. Unattractiveness comes in all shapes and sizes. All I am saying is, if we have a ton of portly citizens, it’s very likely that many of them ate their corndogs directly off of the ugly stick. Then it hit me; in the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king. In the land of the ugly, even the reasonably attractive is royalty. When they called Philadelphians the ugliest city dwellers in the country, they weren’t talking about me. I should be happy. By comparison to the sub-par looks of the rest of this city, we beautiful people look even better. Do I really want to compete with the looks of people in Miami (voted the most attractive city)? In Miami I’d be about a 6. In Philadelphia, I’m a solid 8 or 9. All of you beautiful Philadelphians take notice! We run this city. Sure, we’re the minority but would you really want it any other way? Every person has a designated ugly friend; someone they take with them to bars or parties to make themselves look better. In Philly, we have designated ugly neighbors and co-habitants! At least we weren’t called the dumbest city in America...yet. Like a Phillies World Series victory, I’m sure that’s coming “next year”.

TRICK OR TREAT?
While I’m on the subject of unattractiveness, I’d like to take a moment to discuss my favorite holiday, Halloween. For men, Halloween is like a sexy buffet for your eyes. Women don’t have costumes, they have sexy costumes. They don’t dress up like a bumble-bee; they dress up like a sexy bumble-bee. I’m allergic to bees and I saw a few women out last night that I would happily let sting me to death. Sexy cops, nurses, maids, witches, bunnies, and kitty-cats…the list goes on and on. There is however, one problem. There are two groups of people that contribute to ruining sexy costumes: The people who market them as one size fits all, and women who really believe that one size fits all. Go ahead, get offended. It needs to be said. Let’s take the sexy cop women as an example. If we were to rate the attractiveness of women dressed like sexy cops from 1-10 (10 being the most sexy) I definitely saw quite a few 9’s and 10’s out over the past week. God love them. In fact, one of the funniest things I saw all night on Saturday was a sexy cop making out with a giant penis…but that’s a story for another time. Then, there were the 2’s and 3’s and 4’s. What separates a 2 from a 4 you ask? I’ll tell you. A 4 is a plus sized woman who is wearing a plus sized sexy costume. At least the thing fits. A 2 is a plus sized woman who believes she looks good when she squeezes herself into an outfit made for a woman half her size. Some of the blame here falls on the marketing of many outfits as “one size fits all”. One size most definitely does NOT fit all. It probably doesn’t even fit most. Ladies, no one wants to see you in an outfit that is eight sizes too small anymore than we want to see the fat, hairy, half-naked guy dressed up like Right Said Fred. Trust me buddy, you are not too sexy for your shirt. Do us all a favor and put it back on. Then again, this is a city filled with fat and ugly people, maybe in other cities the costumes fit better. For all of you good looking ladies who were kindly enough to get half naked and look amazing doing it, I thank you, from the bottom of my pumpkin full of candy.

IDIOT DRESSED IN A PRESIDENT COSTUME
On Thursday, President Bush compared Congress' Democratic leaders to people who ignored the rise of Lenin and Hitler early in the last century, saying "the world paid a terrible price" then and risks similar consequences for inaction today. He does have a point. Democratic leaders did ignore the rise of two Hitler-like figures, George Bush, and Dick Cheney. Bush accused Congress of stalling important pieces of the fight to prevent new terrorist attacks by: dragging out and possibly jeopardizing confirmation of Michael Mukasey as attorney general, a key part of his national security team, failing to act on a bill governing eavesdropping on terrorist suspects, and moving too slowly to approve spending measures for the Iraq war, Pentagon, and veterans programs. Why doesn’t this clown just cut to the chase? Just have the U.S. treasury department sign a blank check and send it to Halliburton. That’s where all of our money has gone. This war isn’t about keeping Americans safe, it’s about keeping Dubya’s bedfellows filthy rich. Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid agrees. "It is because of the administration's mismanagement of the war that we stand unready for the next attack," Reid said. "Far from keeping Osama bin Laden on the run, President Bush has distracted us from tracking down a resurgent al Qaida."
Bush’s response?
"History teaches us that underestimating the words of evil, ambitious men is a terrible mistake," You’ve got that right Georgie. Another terrible mistake is listening to the unfulfilled promises of renegade Presidents who have more stake in their own selfish agenda than they do in protecting the citizens of their country. What’s Bush’s war logic? Most likely the same one that gave us Jenna and Barbara…back in my day we didn't have fancy exit strategies...like pulling out. I have a piece of advice for you Dubya, You can only piss in your pants and stay warm for so long. It’s time for a change.

SOME QUICK FACTS
1) There was one foreclosure filing for every 196 households in the nation during the most recent quarter. That’s up 100.1% from this time last year. (Time to buy a house!)
2) The Redsox won another World Series title, the Patriots are dominant, and Boston still sucks (Yeah I said it).
3) The town of Orme, Tennessee has officially run out of water.
4) A judge in Philadelphia recently ruled that three men who forced a prostitute to have sex with them were not rapists but instead were only guilty of “theft of services”. (Were they just ordered to repay the woman?!)
5) A car uses 1.6 ounces of gas idling for one minute. Half an ounce is used to start the average automobile (now I hate traffic even more)!
6) Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates hands when typing.
7) In Michigan, married couples must live together or be imprisoned (is there a difference?)
8) In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons (or “just about a million” to George Bush).

HOW DO YOU SPELL CRAP IN TWO LETTERS?
We have a new TV network in Philadelphia, the CW. It is a combination of two terrible networks: UPN and the WB. Have you ever heard the phrase, “addition by subtraction”? Well this is a clear cut case of subtraction by addition. When added together, these two networks have formed the worst network ever (aside from Fox News). It has taken all of the worst cheesy white shows (i.e. Dawson’s Creek, One Tree Hill) and melded them with the worst black shows (i.e. The Parkers, Everyone Hates Chris). They couldn’t pay me to watch this programming. For shame CW, for shame.

BRAZIL BOUND
Well that’s all I have for you today folks. I leave tomorrow to meet my brother for a fabulous journey to Brazil; a week in Sao Paulo followed by a week in Rio. I promise to post pictures and stories when I return just in time for Thanksgiving. I hope everyone had a happy and safe Halloween. If you have any funny Halloween tales, be sure to post them in the comments section. Here's a funny video to keep you busy until I return: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1781938 Until next time Truth-seekers…Spoon out.

A SEPTEMBER TO REMEMBER

2007-09-13T18:02:00.000-05:00

OFFICIALLY BAD ADVERTISING
While attending the final Eagles preseason game with my friend Alex a few Thursday nights ago, I became annoyed at the absence of a link between the Eagles and their “official products”.
“Dodge: the official car company of the Philadelphia Eagles”
Why does a professional football team need an official car? Is that what all the players drive? I doubt it. These so-called corporate marketing links occur all the time in professional sports (and elsewhere) and people don’t take enough time to think about just how absurd it is. I understand why the 76ers would have an official basketball or why the Phillies would make the Hatfield hot-dogs they serve at the ballpark the official hot-dog of the Phillies, but these other “official products” are just getting out of hand. Sovereign Bank is the official bank of the Eagles. Does that mean if I’m an Eagles fan that I should bank there? Their stadium is Lincoln Financial Field. Why not Sovereign Bank Field? That doesn’t seem too official to me. Sharp Aquos: The official HDTV of Major League Baseball. Why do they need an official HDTV? My HDTV is made by Olevia and the ballgames I watch on it look great to me. I can only dream about how clear it would be if my TV were an official model. Southwest Airlines is the official airline of the Philadelphia Flyers but I’m pretty sure they use chartered flights and don’t fly in the coach-only cabin of Southwest Flights. If I mention to Southwest that I’m a Flyers fan or even a season ticket holder do I get a discount? No.
In an attempt to make corporate sponsorship gel a little better with the teams they represent, I came up with a few products and teams that I think would make great bedfellows.

1) The Philadelphia Phillies…Tums, the official antacid of Phillies fans. Helping Phillies fans make it ‘til “next year” since 1980.
2) The Philadelphia Flyers…Speed Pass, the official highway payment method of the Flyers. Get Speed Pass or you’ll travel slower than our defensive line.
3) The Dallas Cowboys… Tampax, the official tampon of Cowboys players and fans.
4) The Atlanta Falcons…Evian, official water of Michael Vick and the Atlanta Falcons. Nothing drowns a pit-bull like Evian.
5) The NHL Stanley Cup Finals…Molson, the official beer of the NHL Stanley Cup Finals. Molson: helping Canadians overlook the U.S.’s dominance since 1993. Due to the lack of cups in Canada, Molsen should be enjoyed straight from the bottle.
6) Tennessee Titans…Rainex, the official rain stopper of Pac-Man Jones and the Tennessee Titans.
7a) New England Patriots…Trojan: if Tom Brady used condoms he’d use Trojan, official condom of the New England Patriots.
7b) “Cheaters”…the official television show of the New England Patriots.
8) New Orleans Saints…brought to you by FEMA
9) New York Yankees…Mastercard, official payment method of the Yankees. Once those interest rates kick in, you’ll be throwing away money faster than we can overpay for aging talent.
10) New Jersey Nets…Sewage Treatment Workers Union. Sewage: the official smell of New Jersey and the Nets.
11) Florida Panthers…Crack, official drug of the Florida Panthers. Crack: It makes as much sense as ice hockey in Florida.
12) Texas Rangers…George Bush, the official President of the Texas Rangers. Bush managed both the Rangers and the United States. You think the 250 Million we spent on A-Rod was a waste? How about 500 Billion for an unnecessary war? Take that Steinbrenner!
***While we are discussing professional sports here I'd just like to take a second to mention the cheating of the New England Patriots. There is a good possibility that they cheated their way to a Super Bowl victory over my beloved Eagles three years ago and I hope the NFL comes down on them with the harshest punishment allowable (not just the $500,00 fine they gave to Belichick). Maybe Tom Brady should have stolen some condoms instead.***

BUSH IS JUST ANOTHER WORD FOR PUSSY
In a new book released last Tuesday, George “Dubya” Bush opens up about his personal insights and the inter-workings of his administration. The book, written by Robert Draper, carries the same title as the likelihood that Bush will go down in history as one of the worst presidents in U.S. of all time, “Dead Certain”. It’s rumored that the finger paintings that illustrate the book are the work of the Connecticut cowboy himself. Let’s take a look inside the brain of our senseless leader…
"I've got God's shoulder to cry on, and I cry a lot," Bush told biographer Robert Draper, referring to war casualties. "I'll bet I've shed more tears than you can count as president."
I think what Dubya really meant to say was that he’s shed more tears than HE can count as president; putting the rough estimate of tears shed somewhere between five and ten (it still hasn’t been established if the president has learned to count on both hands yet or is still limited to just one). I guess that’s a good thing; we all know how god hates getting his shoulders wet. It could also turn out the Georgie confused the word “cry” with one of several other three-lettered words ending in “ry” (such as “try” “pry” “dye” or “fry”).
His presidential wisdom continued,
"This is a job where you can have a lot of self-pity," Bush said of the presidency. In his down moments, "[Laura] reminds me that I decided to do this."
Somehow I doubt that George decided to become president. George Bush senior and Dick Cheney decided that wanted to take the country (and the biggest surplus in U.S. history) by storm and needed a patsy. Enter George Bush junior. I’m sure he has a lot of self pity. Before having the 2000 presidential election stolen for him (thanks Jeb) he was dodging the draft, buying his way through Yale, running the Texas Rangers baseball team, being arrested for drunk driving, and snorting more snow than an ant-eater in a blizzard. Now he has the terrible responsibility un-uniting the 50 states, draining the U.S. treasury, and killing a few thousand life-sized GI Joe men. Being an adult sucks doesn’t it George? Boo-hoo. What else do you have for us Dubya?
"I made a decision to lead," Bush said of pursuing his war strategy despite its unpopularity. "It makes people accuse you of unilateral arrogance, and that may be true. But ... is the world better off as a result of your leadership?" I personally contacted George Bush’s top political advisor for an answer to this question. “Is the world better off as a result of George Bush’s leadership?” I asked.
“All signs point to ‘NO’” the magic 8-ball replied.
Now that he’s left his indelible urine stain on the world, what is next for Bush?
In the book, he reflects on life after the presidency. After leaving office, he intends to start a "fantastic Freedom Institute" in Dallas. "I can just envision getting in the car, getting bored, going down to the ranch." What exactly happens at this Freedom Institute and what makes it so fantastic? Why is the Freedom Institute located on a ranch? And did he intend to go there before getting in the car; or only after the drive became boring? One thing is certain, reading this book will waste more time and kill more brain cells than smoking crystal meth every day until OJ finds the real killers.

UP IN THE SKY, IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE, IT'S A....NUCLEAR BOMB?
A B-52 bomber was mistakenly armed with six nuclear warheads and flown for more than three hours across several states last week, prompting an Air Force investigation and the firing of one commander, Pentagon officials said Wednesday. Uh…whoops.
The mistake was so serious that both President Bush and Defense Secretary Robert Gates were quickly informed and Gates asked for daily briefings on the Air Force inquiry, according to Defense Department press secretary Geoff Morrell. Bush simply asked for paint-by-number pictures of the event claiming that he’s a visual learner.
The unnamed official said Gates was assured that "the munitions were part of a routine transfer between the two bases and at all times they were in the custody and control of Air Force personnel and at no time was the public in danger." Danger? What danger? It’s not like we detonated them. It’s no more dangerous than pointing a loaded gun at a room full of people but never pulling the trigger, right? Everyone go load up your gun, cock it, and go point it at your children. According to these clowns, it’s not dangerous if you don’t actually use it.
Rep. Ike Skelton, chairman of the House Armed Services Committee, called the mishandling of the weapons "deeply disturbing" and said the committee would press the military for details. Rep. Edward J. Markey, a senior member of the Homeland Security Committee, said it was "absolutely inexcusable."
"Nothing like this has ever been reported before and we have been assured for decades that it was impossible," said Markey, D-Mass., co-chair of the House task force on nonproliferation. Inexcusable you say? I’m willing to bet that aside from a few scapegoat firings, this will be swept under the carpet and ignored.
The plane was carrying advanced cruise missiles from Minot Air Force Base, ND, to Barksdale Air Force Base, LA., on Aug. 30, said officials (who spoke on condition of anonymity because of a Defense Department policy not to confirm information on nuclear weapons).
The missiles, which are being decommissioned, were mounted onto pylons on the bomber's wings and it isn’t clear why the warheads were not removed beforehand. Is it clear why our military does 90% of what they do? No. I’m not knocking the military; they just do as they are told. I’m knocking the people in charge, starting with our leader in chief. It isn’t too unclear to me why stupid mistakes are made. Put an idiot in charge, get idiotic results.
According to the same unnamed officials, the weapons are designed with multiple safety features that ensure the warheads don't accidentally detonate. Unfortunately, there is no safety feature to cover the bumbling human error of flying them over many unsuspecting U.S. citizens. Arming the weapons requires a number of stringent protocols and authentication codes that must be followed for detonation. And they are designed to withstand a significant impact, including an aircraft crash, without detonating. Or so we are told. The Titanic was alleged to be able to withstand a heavy impact and the Twin Towers were rumored to be able to withstand more force than that which brought them crashing down. Whether the bombs were likely to be detonated or not is not the issue. Once they make it into the air above our country, we are only as safe as the people who are in control of the codes. A few disgruntled military personnel and we’re all done for. “Terrorists” were trained right here in our country to fly planes (despite the gigantic warning signal that they were only concerned with flying and not taking off or landing); a skill they used to conduct the 9/11 attacks. Is it really that far a stretch to think that people with the same motives could infiltrate our military? Our government has gone so far as to offer citizenship to non-Americans who first join the military. It will be interesting to see how those responsible for this blunder are held accountable when the chain of failure that led to this event is uncovered.

BUSH WISDOM OF THE DAY
“I comes before U”

IT WAS SALTY, WITH BUTTER, AND IT WAS DEATH
Consumers, not just factory workers who work in processing plants, may be in danger of fumes from buttery flavoring in microwave popcorn, according to a warning letter to federal regulators from a doctor at a leading lung research hospital. A pulmonary specialist at Denver's National Jewish Medical and Research Center has written to federal agencies to say doctors there believe they have the first case of a consumer who developed lung disease from the fumes of microwaving popcorn several times a day for years.
"We cannot be sure that this patient's exposure to butter flavored microwave popcorn from daily heavy preparation has caused his lung disease," cautioned Dr. Cecile Rose. "However, we have no other plausible explanation."
The unidentified patient described progressively worsening respiratory symptoms of coughing and shortness of breath. Tests found his ability to exhale was deteriorating, Rose said, although his condition seemed to stabilize after he quit using microwave popcorn.
The July letter, made public last Tuesday by a public health policy blog, refers to a potentially fatal disease commonly called “popcorn lung” that has been the subject of lawsuits by hundreds of workers at food factories exposed to chemicals used for flavoring. If there were ever an argument for air-popping your kernels, this is it. Use some real butter; clog those arteries. This just drives home my belief that everything is bad for you. If cigarette smoking doesn’t kill you, it’ll be brain cancer from a cell phone, or fumes from microwave popcorn that do you in.

YO’ DADDY SO OLD, HE WAS MARRIED TO A DUDE
Civil unions between male couples almost definitely existed around 600 years ago in medieval Europe.
Historical evidence, including legal documents and grave-sites, can be interpreted as supporting the prevalence of homosexual relationships hundreds of years ago, said Allan Tulchin (of Shippensburg University in Pennsylvania).
If they are accurate, the results indicate that socially sanctioned same-sex unions are nothing new, nor were they taboo in the past.
“Western family structures have been much more varied than many people today seem to realize," Tulchin writes in the September issue of the Journal of Modern History. "And Western legal systems have in the past made provisions for a variety of household structures.”
Take that hate mongers.
As an example, Tulchin found legal contracts from late medieval France that referred to the term "affrèrement," (roughly translated as “brotherment”). Similar contracts existed elsewhere in Mediterranean Europe.
In the contract, the "brothers" pledged to live together sharing "un pain, un vin, et une bourse," (that's French for one bread, one wine and one purse). The "one purse" referred to the idea that all of the couple's goods became joint property. Like marriage contracts, the "brotherments" had to be sworn before a notary and witnesses, Tulchin explained.
The same type of legal contract of the time also could provide the foundation for a variety of non-nuclear households, including arrangements in which two or more biological brothers inherited the family home from their parents and would continue to live together, Tulchin said.
But non-relatives also used the contracts. In cases that involved single, unrelated men, Tulchin argues, these contracts provide “considerable evidence that the affrèrés were using affrèrements to formalize same-sex loving relationships."
The ins-and-outs of the medieval relationships are tricky at best to figure out.
"I suspect that some of these relationships were sexual, while others may not have been," Tulchin said. "It is impossible to prove either way and probably also somewhat irrelevant to understanding their way of thinking. They loved each other, and the community accepted that.”
That’s the whole point isn’t it? Acceptance. You don’t have to understand something or even agree with it to accept it. I have Diabetes. I don’t want to have it, I don’t like having it, but I accept it (if I didn’t, I’d die). People need to understand that they might not like the idea of homosexual unions, they might even find it disgusting, but it doesn’t hurt anyone and they need to accept that. Two men (or women) having sex, marrying (and then according to current marriage statistics probably divorcing) doesn’t hurt anyone. “God” isn’t going to kill you because somewhere on Earth men are marrying each other. Get over yourselves.

BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, GONE
Another walk-off homerun for the Spoons of Truthville today. I hope you were all able to make it to your computer to check out the highlights. If you have a chance, share this site with a friend. Hell, why limit yourself. Share it with several friends. Sharing means caring. Happy new year to all my Jewish readers out there. I hope it's a happy and healthy one. Tonight we're gonna party like it's 5799. I hope you all enjoyed today’s truth offering and please check back soon, to get more truth, straight from the Spoon.

AUGUST AND EVERYTHING BEFORE AND AFTER

2007-08-21T20:18:00.000-05:00

JESUS, IT TOOK LONG ENOUGH
Homosexual Lutheran clergy who are in sexual relationships will be able to serve as pastors, the largest U.S. Lutheran body said last week. The Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA) passed a resolution at its annual assembly urging bishops to refrain from disciplining pastors who are in "faithful committed same-gender relationships."
The resolution passed by a vote of 538-431. It’s about time. I often wondered when a religious group would realize that homosexuals have the same right to waste their lives on Jesus just like everyone else. It’s akin to saying that gay children don’t have the right to get money from the tooth fairy. People of any sexual orientation deserve the right to share make-believe stories with their congregations.
"The Church ... has just said 'Do not do punishments'," said Phil Soucy, spokesman for Lutherans Concerned, a gay-lesbian rights group within the church. "That is huge."
The ELCA, which has 4.8 million members, had previously allowed homosexuals to serve as pastors so long as they abstained from sexual relations. Hmmm, that was a sound idea. You can be gay so long as you don’t act on it. If you’re not going to act on it, you might as well be straight (not that it’s a choice).
The conference also instructed a committee that is developing a social statement on sexuality to further investigate the issue. The committee is scheduled to release its report in 2009.
Since the ELCA was founded in 1988, the group has ordered three pastors in gay relationships to be removed from their ministries. The most recent case was decided in July when the ELCA's committee on appeals voted to remove an openly gay pastor from St. John's Lutheran Church in Atlanta.
The gay clergy issue has become a flashpoint in other faiths, including the Anglican Church. I applaud the 538 members who voted to pass this resolution.

HORTON HEARS A KUNT
THE call letters KUNT have landed at a yet un-built low-power digital television station in Wailuku, Maui.
Very similar to a word the dictionary says is obscene, the call letters were among a 15-page list of new call letters issued by the Federal Communications Commission and released last week.
The same station owner also received KWTF for a station in Arizona.
From Skokie, Ill., comes a sincere apology "to anyone that was offended," said Kevin Bae, vice president of KM Communications Inc., who requested and received KUNT and KWTF. It is "extremely embarrassing for me and my company and we will file to change those call letters immediately."
Broadcasters for generations have joked among themselves about call letters resembling off-color words or acronyms knowing the FCC would never approve their assignment; but that was before computerization.
KCUF-FM near Aspen, Colo. got its F-word-in-reverse call letters in August of 2005 and has been on the air since December, "Keeping Colorado Uniquely Free," its Web site says. I wonder how this will affect people with Synesthesia (a condition that mixes up the senses and allows people to taste words or hear colors). They might be channel surfing through radio stations in Hawaii and might find themselves left with quite a bad taste in their mouth. Hopefully the radio station airs tasteful material and not Howard Stern type potty-humor. There’s nothing worse than a dirty KUNT.

IS IT COLD IN HERE, OR IS IT JUST MARRIAGE?
A law passed this year allows Arkansans of any age, even infants, to marry if their parents agree, and the governor may have to call a special session to fix the mistake, lawmakers said Friday. This is the biggest marriage news to come out of Arkansas since they stopped allowing siblings to marry each other in 2004.
The legislation was intended to establish 18 as the minimum age to marry but also allow pregnant teenagers to marry with parental consent, bill sponsor Rep. Will Bond said. An extraneous "not" in the bill, however, allows anyone who is not pregnant to marry at any age if the parents allow it. At last, the pain and suffering of marriage is available to everyone; but unlike children’s Tylenol, this will not leave a good taste in their mouths.
"It's clearly not the intent to allow 10-year-olds or 11-year-olds to get married," Bond said. "The legislation was screwed up."
The bill reads: "In order for a person who is younger than eighteen (18) years of age and who is not pregnant to obtain a marriage license, the person must provide the county clerk with evidence of parental consent to the marriage."
A code revision commission, which fixes typographical and technical errors in laws, had tried to correct the mistake, but a group of legislators said Friday the commission went beyond its powers.
"You're either pregnant or you're not pregnant," Sen. Dave Bisbee said. "Rarely will that be a typographical error."
The Arkansas Legislative Council asked the independent commission to reverse its correction. Several lawmakers said a special session may be necessary.
"We need a special session to fix this," Sen. Sue Madison said. "I am concerned about pedophiles coming to Arkansas to find parents who are willing to sign a very young child's consent."
Before the new law took effect July 31, girls could get married with parental consent at 16 and boys at 17.
The Legislature formally adjourned its session in May and is not scheduled to meet again until January 2009, unless Gov. Mike Beebe calls a special session. Beebe said he wanted to look at all options for correcting the error before deciding whether to call a special session. Why call a special session? 2009 is only two years away. I’m sure the problem will just work itself out anyway.

START MAKING FISH FACES
The ability of Zebrafish to regenerate damaged retinas has given English scientists a clue about restoring human vision and could lead to an experimental treatment for blindness within five years. British researchers said today that they had successfully grown (in the laboratory) a type of adult stem cell found in the eyes of both fish and mammals that develops into neurons in the retina. This is the best news to come out of the ocean since the fish stick.
Instead of being ground up and used for a Mrs. Paul’s frozen filet, these cells could one day be injected into the eye as a treatment for diseases such as macular degeneration, glaucoma and diabetes-related blindness, according to Astrid Limb of University College London's (UCL) Institute of Ophthalmology. In the meantime, sufferers of these diseases will have to stick to good old fashioned treatments like marijuana.
Damage to the retina, the part of the eye that sends messages to the brain, is responsible for most cases of sight loss. The other cases were caused by children who got pellet guns for Christmas and shot their eyes out.
"Our findings have enormous potential," Limb said. "It could help in all diseases where the neurons are damaged, which is basically nearly every disease of the eye."
Limb and her colleagues studied so-called Mueller glial cells in the eyes of people aged from 18 months to 91 years and found they were able to develop them into all types of neurons found in the retina.
They were also able to grow them easily in the lab, they reported in the journal Stem Cells.
The cells have already been tested in rats with diseased retinas, where they successfully migrated into the retina and took on the characteristics of the surrounding neurons. Now the team is working on the same approach in humans. Hey, if it’s good enough for rats, it’s good enough for us, right? Pretty soon they’ll be letting us humans eat cheese and play in mazes too…I can’t wait!
Autologous transplants (which Limb hopes can be performed within five years), initially on a trial basis, will involve manipulating cells and injecting them back into an individual's own eye. Eventually, Limb hopes it will also be possible to transfer the cells between different people.
"Because they are so easy to grow, we could make stem cell banks and have cell lines available to the general population, subject to typing as with blood transfusions," she said. Hmmm, I wonder if some people will have universal eye cells just like some have the universal blood type. Those are the kind of people it’s good to have as friends.
The reason that Zebrafish have an abundant supply of adult stem cells to regenerate their retinas, while they are rare in mammals, remains a mystery; sounds fishy to me.
The new work on Mueller glial cells is the latest example of researchers exploring the potential of different kinds of stem cells in treating eye disease. Another team from UCL and Moorfield's Eye Hospital said in June they aimed to repair damaged retinas with cells derived from embryonic stem cells.

OUT IN THE (WALL)STREET THEY CALL IT MURDOCH
Rupert Murdoch has sealed a deal to buy Wall Street Journal publisher Dow Jones & Co. for $5 billion, ending a century of family ownership and adding a crown jewel to his global media empire, News Corp. The companies said that they signed a definitive merger agreement after the deal won sufficient support to pass from a deeply divided Bancroft family, which has controlled the storied newspaper publisher for generations.Murdoch is getting one of the great trophies of U.S. journalism and a newspaper that is considered required reading among the business and power elite. He will no doubt spin it into a GOP propaganda publication that will make the U.S. economy appear as strong or as weak as he sees fit. Republicans in power…economy is great! Democrats in power…economy is suffering. The deal will also expand Murdoch's already massive global media and entertainment empire News Corp., which owns the Fox broadcast network (a.k.a. 24/7 Pro-Bush report), Fox News Channel, the Twentieth Century Fox movie and TV studio, MySpace, newspapers in Australia and the U.K., and several satellite TV broadcasters. Dow Jones and News Corp. said in a statement that Bancroft family members and trustees representing 37 percent of the company's shareholder vote have agreed to support the deal. Combined with the 29 percent of the vote held by public shareholders, who are very likely to support Murdoch, the deal is now assured of passing. The companies said a member of the Bancroft family or another mutually acceptable person would be appointed to News Corp.'s board of directors as part of the agreement.The Bancroft family, descended over several generations from an early owner of Dow Jones, Clarence Barron, clashed long and hard over whether to sell to Murdoch, with several members saying they feared the quality and independence of the paper would suffer under his watch. They eventually decided that their morals were worth less than $5 billion dollars.

SLIPPERY WHEN WET
During a recent visit from a friend, I was introduced to a new product. As she sat on my couch searching through her purse for a lighter, she came across a sample of a new product she had been handed on the street. The product was called Zestra. According to the website, “Zestra® is a patented blend of two botanical oils and two botanical extracts specifically designed to increase female sexual sensation, arousal, pleasure, and satisfaction when topically applied to the female genitalia. The all-natural ingredients naturally stimulate the body's own sensory nerve conduction, heightening sexual sensation and pleasure.” It wasn’t so much the product that made me chuckle as it was the instructions for use. “Apply the entire contents of one Zestra packet with gentle massage onto the clitoris, labia, and outer areas of the vagina. Massage gently for at least five minutes prior to vaginal intercourse. If you prefer less intense sensations, use half a packet.” Okay…I’m not a woman but in my experience simply massaging the clitoris for a full five minutes prior to sex will not only increase sexual sensation but will often times lead to orgasm all on its own. But I guess you’re not fully aroused unless your Zestrafully aroused. But really, why bother with Zestra? You could use baby oil, saliva, grape juice, or any other lubricating substance and still achieve increased sexual stimulation. Ladies, let’s test my theory. Tonight go home and have sex with your man with no foreplay whatsoever. Tomorrow night, have him massage your clitoris for five full minutes before sex. I’m willing to bet the second night is going to be more enjoyable. This is like those diet pills that say they will shed unwanted pounds (along with proper diet and exercise). Proper diet and exercise alone will cause a person to lose weight even without the pills! Masturbation leads to arrousal even without the Zestra. For you women out there that still want to throw your money away, you can check out Zestra at http://www.zestraforwomen.com/.

YO, SERBIA!
A Serbian village is hoping to channel some of Rocky Balboa's fighting spirit with a 10-foot-tall statue of the fictional boxer portrayed by Sylvester Stallone.
Zitiste, a village about 35 miles north of Belgrade that has been beset in recent years by flooding and landslides, unveiled the statue in the village square late Saturday. When you can rise to the challenge of beating Apollo Creed and steroid crazed Russians, what are a few landslides?
The monument, unveiled as part of a music festival, is made of bronze and concrete. It was created by Croatian artist Boris Staparac.
Zitiste has repeatedly suffered flooding and landslides, gaining a disaster-prone reputation. Fed up, the locals contemplated how to change that image and revive the village, one of the poorest in northern Serbia, and came up with the idea of a statue of the tenacious fictional fighter.
"Our idea has really stirred the public," said local official Zoran Kasalovic. "Now, no one in Serbia can say they don't know about Zitiste."
Personally, I find that visitors of Philadelphia care more about seeing the Rocky statue than the Liberty Bell or Independence Hall. However, this is the birth place and home of Rocky. If a statue will help to raise the spirits of the people of Zitiste then I am all for it. However, the statue alone is not going to prevent floods or landslides. Maybe the real solution to their problem is to inject steroids into the hillsides to make them stronger or to build the Balboa Dam to KO the flood waters like an overhand left to Tommy Gunn.

SPOONLAND
A few quick things to report from Spoonland before I end today’s post. I joined the Philadelphia Press Corp and got my press credentials so that should only add to the level of great stories I am able to offer in the future. The Phillies are in the midst of another late season playoff run and I’m really hoping this is the year they get over the hump. The Eagles cut Jeremiah Trotter today and I’m really hoping this move doesn’t come back to haunt us (and our lack of run defense). I am planning a trip to Las Vegas for the Vegoose Music Festival the weekend before Halloween and encourage all of you to join me. I recently saw Daft Punk (one of the headliners) perform in NY and of the hundreds of concerts I've seen, it had to be in the top 3. Happy recent b-day wishes to Jeff, Alan, Chelsey, Marlissa, and Rachel. Finally I’d like to send out a thank you to all of you in Spoonland who continue to offer me support for the tough times I am going through in my personal life. It is much appreciated. Until next time folks…Spoon Out.

RAINING CATS AND DEATH

2007-07-27T00:13:00.000-05:00

CAT-ALIST FOR DEATH
Rhode Island is home to Oscar the cat; who seems to have an uncanny knack for predicting when nursing home patients are going to die, by curling up next to them during their final hours. His accuracy, observed in over twenty-five cases, has led nursing home staff to call family members once he has chosen someone. It usually means the patient has less than four hours to live.
"He doesn't make too many mistakes. He seems to understand when patients are about to die," Dr. David Dosa said in an interview. He described the phenomenon in a poignant essay in Thursday's issue of the New England Journal of Medicine.
"Many family members take some solace from it. They appreciate the companionship that the cat provides for their dying loved one," said Dosa, a geriatrician and assistant professor of medicine at Brown University.
Oscar was adopted as a kitten and grew up in a third-floor dementia unit at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center. The facility treats people with Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and other illnesses.
After about six months, the staff noticed Oscar would make his own rounds, just like the doctors and nurses. He'd sniff and observe patients, then sit beside people who would wind up dying in a few hours.
Dosa said Oscar seems to take his work seriously and is generally aloof. "This is not a cat that's friendly to people," he said.
Hmmmm, can this cat really predict death or do these old patients have something in common…perhaps, I don’t know, a deathly allergy to….cats?! Animals clearly possess senses that humans do not have but how long is it until one of the families of a recently deceased person sue this center for “killing” their loved one? Maybe the cat is carrying some sort of disease that has spread to old people. Yes I’m talking about YOU, old people.
Personally, I hate cats. The last thing I’d want around in my last moments is a feline. And what about the people who spend their last moments on Earth with Oscar? Doctors say most of the people who get a visit from the four-legged, gray-and-white grim reaper are so ill they probably don't know he's there. Should they really have to spend their last moments with him? What if they are like me and hated cats? They should have the people in the home sign a waiver when they are first brought there asking if they’d like the services of the death-cat. Most families are grateful for the advance warning, although one wanted Oscar out of the room while a family member died. When Oscar is put outside, he paces and meows his displeasure. It sounds like the cat is hungry to me. Have you ever smelled a old-folks home (sorry great-grandma)? They smell about as good as cat food. Maybe dying old people are really the leading ingredient in cat food? It wouldn’t shock me. I want old folks’ spleens and liver, meow-mix, meow-mix please de-liv-er.

IN FEDS WE TRUST
A U.S. judge on Thursday struck down (as unconstitutional) a local law designed to crack down on illegal immigration, dealing a blow to similar laws passed by dozens of towns and cities across the country.
U.S. District Judge James Munley said the city of Hazleton, which is located 100 miles north of Philadelphia, was barred from implementing a law that would penalize businesses that hire illegal immigrants and fine landlords who rent rooms to them.
The law also sought to establish English as the Pennsylvania town's official language.
"Federal law prohibits Hazleton from enforcing any of the provisions of its ordinances," Munley wrote in a 206-page opinion following a federal trial in which civil rights groups challenged Hazleton's law.
The city of 30,000 blames a recent rise in illegal immigration for boosting crime and overburdening social services. The law was passed in July 2006 but not applied because opponents won a court injunction.
About a third of the city's residents are immigrants from Central America and around a quarter of the immigrant population is believed to be undocumented, civil rights campaigners say.
Groups including the American Civil Liberties Union successfully argued that local authorities such as Hazleton have no right to regulate immigration, which is the sole responsibility of the federal government.
"Whatever frustrations the City of Hazleton may feel about the current state of federal immigration enforcement, the nature of the political system of the United States prohibit the city from enacting ordinances that disrupt a carefully drawn federal statutory scheme," Munley wrote. You hear that Hazleton? Don’t fuck with the Federal government. If George Bush and the clowns on Capital Hill have made nothing else clear, it’s that they’ll do what they want, when they want. That includes flooding the country with illegal immigrants who will work (under the table mostly) for less than minimum wage. That’s the only part I disagree with. There should be stronger penalties for not paying illegal immigrants minimum wage. These people come into the country and work the awful (and sometimes dangerous) jobs; the jobs that most Americans would never want to work. More power to them. I have several unemployed friends and I don’t see them lining up to clean toilets. My problem is that rich Republicans want to fill the country with illegal immigrants so they can put them to work in their companies and pay them less than minimum wage while offering them no benefits whatsoever. That isn’t fair to Americans who pay taxes because these people then do become a drain on social services. It also isn’t fair to the illegal immigrants because the jobs they are being offered here in America pay better than the jobs they could get at home but the trade off is that they are over-worked and under compensated (by American standards….American standards sounds like an oxymoron). These decision to me shows that the judges are working for Dubya, Cheney, and the rest of the sheep on the Hill. What happened to three branches of government working together? Instead we have the judicial and the legislative working FOR the executive. It’s just wrong no matter how you slice it. Encerrar?

DON’T SUGAR COAT THE FACTS, THEY’LL KILL ME
The Food and Drug Administration will ask outside experts next week whether the diabetes drug Avandia should carry label warnings of heart attack risk. The FDA scheduled a meeting for this upcoming Monday to ask drug safety and diabetes experts to review GlaxoSmithKline's blockbuster drug after a medical journal article in May suggested heart attack risk in patients who take the drug is FORTY-THREE percent higher. There’s a forty-three percent higher chance of having a heart-attack for diabetics who take Avandia?! What are they going to do next, start making it with a sugary candy coating? That’d be good for diabetics too!
The agency posted documents Thursday on its Web site that included its latest review of the drug. The FDA is also expected to ask panelists whether any heart attack risks seen with Avandia are greater than those of rival diabetes treatments. Although it usually does, the agency is not required to follow the recommendation of the panel of experts. The company says its studies show that the drug is as safe as comparable treatments. That makes it okay?
The FDA revealed in its review however that Glaxo approached the agency last summer about adding heart-attack risk language to the product's label. The warning would have noted that increased rates of heart attack occurred in some company studies, while saying that it was not clear whether they were connected to Avandia. Nah, couldn’t be Avandia. Just ask Pat Robertson, it’s probably the Jews or homosexuals that are to blame.
The FDA rejected the proposal, arguing that any information about heart-attack risk should appear in a more prominent "black box" warning, the most serious warning a drug can carry. Why’s the black label have to mean something bad? If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s label-racists.
The FDA said panelists should weigh Avandia's potential risks against its benefits.
More than 6 million people worldwide have taken Avandia or a related drug, Avandamet, since it came on the market in 1999. Doctors use the pills to control blood sugar levels in patients with adult-onset diabetes; most of the patients reported being much happier with the lower blood sugar levels right before they clutched their hearts and keeled over dead.
In briefing documents posted online Thursday, Glaxo argued that "there is no consistent or systematic evidence" linking Avandia to increased risk of heart attack or death. However, the company recommends expanding the drug's label, which already includes a warning about heart failure, a condition in which the heart cannot effectively pump blood to the body. Wow, I was sure Glaxo would have come out and said that the drug WAS consistently linked to an elevated risk of heart-attack. I guess next McDonald’s is going to say there is no link between eating their french fries and gaining weight (well there isn’t…if you only eat five of them). These guys must have hired the same scientists who told big tobacco that there was no increased risk of lung cancer for people who smoke. Bad science! That’s a very bad science!
Glaxo did say it plans to add a warning that diabetics who already take insulin should not take Avandia. The proposed warning is consistent with the FDA's review, which found insulin-taking patients who also use Avandia face a greater risk of heart failure. Being an insulin-dependant diabetic, I know one drug I won’t be taking any time soon.
Federal lawmakers and consumer groups are pressuring regulators to put further restrictions on Avandia's use. But the agency said it wants to hear from outside experts before recommending any changes. I wish they would ask to hear from me, I wouldn’t sugar coat it. A Spoon, Full of sugar, is a dead Spoon. ***UPDATE: JULY 30th, The NY Times published this article today (4 days after my story first appeared) that clearly backs up what I had said; Avandia's risks outweigh its benefits. http://www.nytimes.com/reuters/business/business-glaxosmithkline-avandia.html?ex=1186459200&en=499b2dda11ae4f32&ei=5070&emc=eta1 ***

WHETHER YOU CARE OR NOT, HERE IT IS
Am I the only one that is insulted by local news and their weather reports? Let’s be honest, local news is a joke! It’s nothing but puff pieces surrounded by creamy filling. They start off with some murders for shock value (if it bleeds, it leads) and then go into all of the stupid events taking place around the region that day. “For those of you sitting inside all day, here’s what’s going on outside”. They get 23 minutes of air time for a 30 minute news segment and they waste the majority of that on weather. Yes, we all need to know if it’s going to be hot and humid or rainy all weekend so we can make or break those shore plans but isn’t the weather channel enough? To make matters worse they give you the current weather. You have to be living in a bunker with no view of the outdoors to need current weather. I have a current weather report that airs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week…it’s called a window. I’m sure you have one too; try opening it up sometime. It takes about five seconds to get the current weather that way. “Currently in Philadelphia it is 75 degrees and raining” . Phew! Thank goodness I caught that weather report. I looked out the window and saw all of these strange drops of water falling from the sky. I was sure the world was coming to and end, so I turned on the local news and the weather man told me it was just raining. Boy do I feel better now. It gets better. Sometimes the weather guy will tell you that it’s sunny and you look outside and it’s raining. Sometimes they tell you it’s currently snowing and you see people walking around outside in shorts and a t-shirt. It’s insulting. Please, stop reporting the current weather. If you really want to insult me, just tell me that currently, I’m an idiot for watching local news.

FORK ANY MORE WRITING, I’M DONE FOR TODAY
Thanks for reading today folks. I know I haven’t been posting much but I still appreciate your loyalty when I do. I’ve gotten a lot of sweet emails of support recently and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. For those of you who chose to lash out at the Spoon for sharing personal information on my site, you can go fork yourself. Check back soon, to get more wisdom, straight from the Spoon. Have a great weekend!

BIRTHDAZE

2007-07-10T11:51:00.000-05:00

THERE IS NO ORIGINAL CONTENT IN THIS POST. INSTEAD I HAVE REPOSTED SOME OF MY FAVORITE POSTS FROM THE PAST THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE MISSED. I HOPE YOU ENJOY THEM. FROM THE FILES OF: I TOLD YOU SO…
The following post originally appeared in the March 9th, 2007 edition of Spoon, Full of Truth. As I mentioned at the time (and even in posts before Libby’s conviction) it didn’t matter if he were guilty or not as long as Bush had the power to pardon him.
PRISON INMATES REFUSED SKATEBOARDS, BUT GIVEN A SCOOTER This week a jury told us what we already knew was true. Scooter Libby is guilty. Maybe Dick Cheney will send him a nice gift basket in prison. Meanwhile, the Bush White House steadfastly refused to talk about a possible pardon in the CIA leak case. When the Bush White House can’t even come up with some bull-shit statement (“speaking of pardons, do you have any Grey Poupon?”) to take the attention away from the obvious pardon, you know it’s as good as done (as I have been saying since long before this conviction came down). The request for a new trial is the first move in Libby's uncertain future. He faces up to 25 years in prison when he is sentenced June 5, but his federal sentencing guidelines are much lower. I understand the Presidential pardon to an extent, but I think it should not be permitted to be used on those who work directly for the President or Vice-President. This allows Dubya and Dick to have their staff do whatever they what, whenever they want, knowing that even if they are convicted of breaking the law, Georgie-Boy can get them off. I bet he even keeps a little stack of Monopoly “get out of jail free” cards in his desk in the Oval Office. I guess finding Scooter guilty is a small moral victory for those of us disgusted with the Bush regime’s tactics, but at this point I’m holding out for more. I won’t be content until Scooter, Dick, and George are all locked up for breaking the law but sadly, that day is about as likely to come as Kevin Federline winning a Grammy.

YOU CAN PICK YOUR NOSE, YOU CAN EVEN PICK YOUR FRIEND'S NOSE, BUT CAN YOU PICK YOUR PRESIDENT?

Will the American people really pick the next U.S. President? Or will the President be picked for us? It seems to me that the trend in this country is to have the President chosen for us. I love going to the supermarket to do my food shopping. I like the option of choosing my own food. If I want steak, I can have steak. If I want chicken, I can have chicken. If I want fish, they have that too. There is a whole isle of cereals to choose from, and many, many different kinds of fruit. Variety is what makes it great. I have so many choices and I can pick the one I really want. I remember being a kid a seeing pictures of the bread lines in Russia. People standing in line for hours and hours just hoping to get whatever food was available when they finally got to the front. That's how I feel when I go to the polls. I stand in line, and when I finally get to the booth, it's slim pickings. Do I take the stale bread? Or the spoiled milk? I don't really get to choose the one I think would be the best (like having steak for dinner), I get to choose from the crap that is available. It would be like doing away with supermarkets altogether have having someone else just choose what I was able to eat. "You can have ham, or you can have potato salad, that's it." Well I don't like ham. And I don't like potato salad. But I'd rather eat one of them than starve to death. So I'd pick one. That's how I feel on election day. Why should we only have two candidates to choose from? I don't want to hear any rhetoric about the primaries. It's the same thing. You get a few bad choices, and you have to pick one. Instead of waiting for nominees to declare that they are throwing their name into the very small hat for President, I urge people to start checking out people they would like to see run for the office now and create a buzz about them. Don't wait until Christmas eve to do your shopping. I know there are people out there who would make a decent commander in chief. Men, women, gay, straight, any religion, any race, it doesn't matter. It's time we picked our next president instead of our next president picking us. In a perfect world, anyone could run for the office. This world is far from perfect but if we act now, maybe we can choose even one more option. And the more choices we have, the more likely it is that we can select one we want, and not just one we're given. I'm sick of stale bread. Let's have some English muffins.

WHAT'S THE MATTER COLONEL SANDERS? CHICKEN?

We all remember the 9/11 attacks. A bunch of self righteous, suicidal guys from the middle east flew planes into some buildings and killed a few thousand people. It was awful. What has happened since then is far worse. Our own government has used this tragedy to control Americans through fear. Everyone gets scared. I'm scared right now. I'm scared that the majority of this country is filled with idiots. About six months before Bush was up for reelection, the terror alert was suddenly raised from yellow to orange. It was announced that it would stay that way until after the elections. Was this because Americans really should have been worried about another terror attack? Or was it because Dubya was scared he wouldn't win the election? That's all that terror alert scale is. The higher the alert, the more Bush feels his grip on the public is fading. Nothing more. Orange doesn't mean we're going to be attacked by terrorists. It means we are being attacked by our own government. Their weapon of choice? Fear. We always run the risk of being attacked, because we attack other people (both physically and financially). Freedom comes when you are given information and can make your own choices based on that information. It is not being scared into making a decision or acting a certain way. That's coercion. Our government likes to throw the word terrorist around a lot. What is a terrorist? Someone who doesn't agree with them? In almost any other part of the world George Bush is called a terrorist. I am in NO way condoning what the 9/11 attackers did, but they did it because in their minds, they were also fighting a war on terror and we were the terrorists. Much like we did when we attacked Iraq to topple Saddam and killed thousands and thousands of innocent Iraqi's in the process. Of course that never makes the evening news here. Only that we are spreading freedom. If freedom is forcing people to live in the way that someone else thinks is best, then we are spreading freedom. The same kind of freedom we have here. Big brother knows best. Don't think for yourself, you have a government to think for you. What's next from the Bush regime on the fear front? Stunning new information provided by Fox news? "It was reported today that anyone voting democrat is 73% more likely to catch anthrax in the event of a terrorist attack" or "Terrorists are three times more likely to attack us again if we don't all use as much gasoline and duct tape as possible." Ben Franklin once said, "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." He was right. If we give up our freedoms because we were attacked, we do not deserve to have freedom. Furthermore, if we give up our freedom because George Bush and the other playground bullies try to scare us into thinking we are better off without it, maybe we shouldn't have had it in the first place.

CORPORATE AMERICA AND FEAR SITTING IN A TREE, H-E-L-P YOU AND ME

The Bush regime aren't the only ones who want to control us through fear. At some point selling people things they need was no longer enough. Next came selling people things they want. Then came the time of telling people what they want. Now? Scaring people into thinking they need it. "Cool people wear these clothes, if you don't wear them, you aren't cool" "You don't love a woman if you don't lavish her with diamonds, don't you love your wife?" Why not take it a step further? "Sophisticated beer experts have concluded a study that shows that men who drink Bud are 78% more likely to have a small penis than those who drink Miller. What does your beer say about you?" I bet you wouldn't see too many guys at the bar sucking down bottles of Bud. The commercials might not be real, but the stigma attached to men who drink Bud would be. Do you think a bunch of men would order a round of Bud from the sexy bartender? Think about the message it would send. "Me and my three friends over there would all like a cold Bud to help us forget about our small dicks." Message received, loud and clear. There is nothing more likely to make a person buy something than the fear that they will be any more fat, any less hip, or any more unattractive if they don't buy it. Consequently I should let you all know that you are much more likely to succumb to ignorance if you don't read this blog on a regular basis. It's 100% guaranteed (not guaranteed). Ever notice how many products are offered "for a limited time only"? That's just to scare people into thinking that if they don't rush right out and buy it, that they will miss their chance. How many times have you bought something because it's trendy and you don't want to seem uncool? How many stupid guys buy Axe body spray because they think it'll actually help them attract women? They'd be better off spending that four dollars to buy a clue. How about diet pills? They all claim to help you lose weight. Then, in the fine print, it says both, "Results not typical" and "in conjunction with proper diet and exercise." Of course it works with proper diet and exercise. Proper diet and exercise would go a long way for an overweight American without the stupid pill. Invent a pill that makes me lose weight while I'm sitting on the couch, watching TV, and eating Cheetos. That I'd buy. We are all controlled through fear. From who we vote for, to what we buy. And somewhere in a corporate board room, some bigwigs are laughing and wiping their asses with our hard earned money. Those guys are scared too. They are scared of love. They are scared of tolerance. They are scared of acceptance. Why? Because in a society where people accept, tolerate, and love each other, people cannot be scared into having their decisions made for them. In a world like that there would not be a fear of making the wrong or unpopular decision. And that is what these corporations fear the most.

ONE MAN’S ILLNESS IS ANOTHER MAN’S GOLD

On Tuesday evening I attended a paid focus group for people with Diabetes. They wanted us to share our opinions about new Diabetes products and the thought processes that led to those opinions. Basically, we were paid (quite well) to be used as market research. I figured if I have to live with Diabetes, and someone was willing to pay me to talk about it, I might as well go. Shortly after the session began, it became clear to me and the other diabetics, that regardless of what new products they come up with to treat Diabetes, we were only really interested in a cure. One of the men in the group had been living with Diabetes for 35 years; one of the women for 27. They both mentioned that their doctors had told them early on that a cure was on the horizon and would be developed within a decade or so. I was told the same thing when I was diagnosed 14 years ago. We are all still waiting. When we continued speaking about diabetic products, one of the women mentioned she had no health care coverage (along with almost 50 million other Americans) and talked about the high costs of paying for these items out of pocket. A single test strip used for blood sugar testing costs about a dollar. A diabetic is supposed to use about four of five of these daily. That would cost a person a bare minimum of $1,460 per year, and that’s just for the testing strips. A bottle of insulin can run $300 or more without insurance (and generally lasts less than a month). You can’t take insulin without syringes so add that cost on as well. These are only the bare necessities for Diabetes. While many diabetics do have health coverage, the companies who manufacture and sell these products are still paid by insurance companies. My disease is making some people very, very rich. It got me thinking, do these companies have something to do with a lack of a cure for Diabetes? I know that George Bush doesn’t make decisions for himself, mega corporations, their lobbyists, and checkbooks do his thinking for him. Why would these companies, who make billions of dollars a year (if not more) from diabetic supplies, want diabetes cured? Although it hasn’t been proven that stem-cells will cure diabetes, I’m sure it’s scared these corporations enough to throw some extra money at preventing stem-cell research. If it was suggested that stem-cells could cure runny noses, do you think Kleenex would be for or against them? It makes me sick to think that there are people out there who are more interested in keeping me (and millions of others) ill because it’s more profitable. To these companies I am not a person, I’m just a number (with a dollar sign in front of it). Being a diabetic is like being a drug addict. Our government sanctions these corporations to be legal drug dealers. Without our fix, we will die. We’re hooked. I remember the footage of a man trapped on his roof during the aftermath of hurricane Katrina with a sign that read, “Diabetic! I need insulin”. Many diabetics died on their rooftops. Even though insulin exists, they couldn’t get it. If they had been cured, they might have survived. I appreciate that medical science has come up with products (like insulin) that have kept me alive for the last 14 years, but I know that the technology to cure the disease is being held up because keeping diabetics reliant on these products is so profitable. I urge all of you to contact your Senators and Congressmen in this election year and tell them that you will only vote for a candidate who supports stem-cell research (and has the voting track record to prove it). You may not have diabetes, you may not know someone who does, but that could change. You, your spouse, parent, child, or friend could develop it tomorrow without warning. Please help me and the other diabetics of the world realize our dream of a cure.

DO YOU SMELL BACON? I DEFINITELY SMELL A PORK PRODUCT OF SOME KIND.

A few months ago I was in the car with my wife and my father on the way to Willow Grove (an area in the suburbs of Philadelphia). We were passing through the town of Glenside, driving down a large hill with a light at the bottom. As I neared the light, it turned yellow and I proceeded through it, as one does with a yellow light (well everyone except my mother who would come to a screeching halt). Within a few seconds a cop pulled out behind me, threw his lights on, and pulled me over. Now I'm sure there wasn't something more pressing for this officer to be doing at the moment, like say, preventing a crime, but he thought it was necessary to pull me over so I obliged. I still had no idea why he had pulled me over when he approached the car. He asked for my license and registration, both of which I provided. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" The officer asked. Sure I knew why he pulled me over. He had a raging hard-on for exerting power. Chances are he took his copy of my ticket home that night and jerked off to it. "I have no idea officer," I calmly replied. "No idea?" he inquired. Uh, did I stutter? You asked me, I said I had no idea, was that unclear? "No idea," I reiterated. Obviously he was confused, had I used a big word by mistake? He looked at me over the top of his bad-ass police issued sunglasses. "Have you ever heard of a red light before?" Look asshole, I just handed you my license, I've been driving for 11 years and have never received a ticket before. Do you think I've heard of a red light? Have you ever heard of a fucking doughnut? "Yes I've heard of a red light before," I informed Sergeant Obvious. "Well you just ran one," he countered. Was he trying to use the Jedi mind trick on me? The force was strong with this one. I wasn't buying it. I kindly informed him that, contrary to his belief, I had not run the red light. He once again informed me that I had. This went back and forth for a few minutes at which point he returned to his car for several minutes, and then returned to mine, ticket in hand. I was informed that I was being issued a ticket for running a red light (I mean he'd been gone several minutes, obviously in his mind that was enough time for me to totally forget why I had been pulled over) and told me I was free to go. Surprised that someone with his mental capacity could ever write out a ticket, I took a minute to look it over. I had indeed been charged 30$ for running a red-light, another 25$ for the Glenside firefighters' widow's fund, another 25$ for the Glenside children's computer fund, and an additional $25 for the Glenside library fund. I was furious. Fuck Glenside, its' firefighters, its’ children and their computers their library and literacy, and most of all its’ pigs. I was not going to take this sitting down. I decided to fight the ticket. In order to request a hearing to fight the ticket, you must first pay the ticket in full. How is that fair? Doesn't that give them all the power? "Well Mr. Miller, you're right, we shouldn't have given you that ticket. But...since we already have your money, why don't you go fuck yourself?" Being too stubborn to pay the myself, someone else decided to send in a check and to request a hearing for me. My day in court finally came. I dressed nicely and showed up at the court house early, complete with my own lawyer. Shortly after arriving, I was told that the cop who had written the ticket had a family emergency and would not be able to attend the hearing that day. Another cop, told me that if I wanted, the township would drop the points that running a red light adds to your license, and just keep the fine. I didn't want points on my license. I also didn't want Glenside to have one penny of my money for issuing phony tickets. The cop on duty informed me that he knew the officer who had written the ticket and he would never issue a ticket for running a red-light if the person hadn't actually done it. Obviously Glenside teaches the Jedi mind trick in their police training video. This was insulting. Could you imagine if defendants could try this tactic in court? "I know the defendant your honor and he never would have murdered all those people if they didn't deserve it!" I was told that I could reschedule the hearing. Not knowing the full extent of the law myself, it certainly came in handy to have a lawyer (or in my case several lawyers) in the family, one of whom was with me at that moment. He kindly told the clerk that we wanted to speak to the judge then and there and have the case thrown out for lack of prosecution (because the cop who issued the ticket didn't show up). The clerk looked very offended but we were able to speak to the judge, who promptly threw the ticket out, and refunded 100% of my money. Mmmm being right sure does taste good. I guess the Glenside cops will just have to settle for the taste of doughnuts and humble pie.

MY GIFT TO YOU
Well I hope you all enjoyed my birthday stroll down memory lane. There will be some fresh content up soon. In the meantime, if anyone would like to write a guest column, feel free to contact me at spoonfulloftruth@aol.com. I’d like to wish a Happy Birthday to my uncle Bob (an avid Spoon reader) who shares my birthday with me.

I'M BRINGING TRUTHY BACK

2007-06-07T13:35:00.000-05:00

CATCHING UP WITH THE SPOON
There’s been a lot going on in Spoon-land recently and I realize that the frequency of my posting has suffered. Well no longer! The Spoon is back! Instead of spending too much time on any one topic today, let’s take a look at some of the things making news around the world and right here at home. We’ll also (and possibly more importantly) take a look at some of the things that aren’t making news that most definitely should be. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride…

HOLY CONTACT HIGH
A report from Italy's National Research Council released last week found that there are traces of cocaine and cannabis in the air of the Eternal City.
"Man...that is some quality shit we're breathing!"
The institute made the discovery during a study of toxic substances in the air of Rome (as well as many other cities). The results found that in Rome, there were traces of cocaine and cannabis (as well as nicotine, caffeine). No wonder the pope and other members of the Vatican think they are a pipeline to god. They are all high! If I was breathing in pot and cocaine every minute of every day, I’d probably think I could speak to god too. I guess my theory doesn’t hold too much water because our bumbling president George Dubya Bush thinks he’s working under a direct mandate from god and he’s never used pot or cocaine. Oh wait, YES he has.
"The highest concentrations of cocaine were found in the center of Rome and especially in the area of the University of La Sapienza," said Dr. Angelo Cecinato, who led the investigation. Cecinato stressed that the findings didn't necessarily mean that cocaine and cannabis are more heavily used there. Marijuana and cocaine being heavily used on a college campus? Yeah, that would never happen. If using something repeatedly made it appear in trace amounts in the air, then I think the air around the Vatican would have also contained traces of little boys. That’s all I have to say about that.

FILE THIS UNDER: IT’S ABOUT TIME
Although this news is a few weeks old, I hadn’t had a chance to comment yet. Jerry Falwell, founder of Liberty University (where you can get a bachelor degree in hatred) is dead. Falwell used the power of television to found the Moral Majority and turn the Christian right into a mighty force in American politics. His condemnation of homosexuality, abortion and pornography was praised in some circles and reviled in others, and made Falwell perhaps the most recognizable figure of the evangelical right. It also made him a proper asshole. Personally, I think the damage he has done to this country, to homosexuals, to a woman’s right to choose, and to people with a healthy sexual appetite might never be undone. He helped to send this country down a dangerous path and I just hope it’s not too late to turn back. You won’t hear me say this often but this is one death I was happy to hear about.

ARMY OF ONE (DRESSED APPROPRIATELY)
The nation's largest combat veterans group on Friday urged the military to "exercise a little common sense" and call off its investigation of a group of Iraq war veterans who wore their uniforms during anti-war protests (which is prohibited).
"Trying to hush up and punish fellow Americans for exercising the same democratic right we're trying to instill in Iraq is not what we're all about," said Gary Kurpius, national commander of the 2.4 million-member Veterans of Foreign Wars. This means that Vets that originally received an honorable discharge from the military might now have that status downgraded. Kurpius said the possibility of receiving a less than honorable discharge from service could threaten educational and other benefits soldiers are eligible to receive from the Department of Veterans Affairs. The action might also prevent them from future employment opportunities that require a security clearance. This sounds like just another scare tatic by the Bush administration to stifle his critics. If someone spends a tour of duty in Iraq, wears their uniform in the field, and puts their life in danger so that Haliburton can continue to suck the U.S. dry, then they should sure as hell be able to wear it to any protest they want when they come back home. We are constantly being force fed Dubya’s rhetoric about spreading freedom and democracy to the middle east while at the same time he is forcefully removing our domestic freedoms one by one. Enough is enough. Bush always talks about how the democrats don’t support the troops if they don’t approve more funding for the war. What about supporting the troops that have fought and returned home George? I guess once they are home they aren’t of any use to you any more. I’ve seen Dubya wear a fighter pilot suit and army gear and that man has never served one day of his life in the military overseas. If these men are punished for protesting while wearing military uniforms than I think George Bush should NEVER be allowed to wear one again.

GOT A RAGING HARD-ON FOR ENERGY DRINKS?
A man has sued the maker of the health drink “Boost Plus,” claiming the vitamin-enriched beverage gave him an erection that would not subside and caused him to be hospitalized. That’s embarrassing. What can the doctor do for that?
“Take two hands of masturbation and call me in the morning. Oh, and spend 10-15 minutes looking at naked pictures of your own mother. If that doesn’t help, I recommend just cutting the thing off.”
Novartis' Boost Plus Web site describes the drink as "a great tasting, high calorie, nutritionally complete oral supplement for people who require extra energy and protein in a limited volume". It comes in four varieties: vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, and boner.

LIBBY GETS 2 ½ YEARS IN PRISON, CHENEY SENTENCED TO ETERNAL DAMNATION WITHOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF PAROLE
Vice President Dick Cheney's former chief of staff was sentenced to 2 1/2 years in prison Tuesday for lying and obstructing the CIA leak investigation, the probe that showed a White House obsessed with criticism of its decision to go to war. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, the highest-ranking White House official sentenced to prison since the Iran-Contra affair, asked for leniency, but a federal judge said he would not reward someone who hindered the investigation into the exposure of a CIA operative. The operative's husband had accused the administration of twisting intelligence to justify the Iraq war. President Bush, traveling in Europe, said through a spokesman that he "felt terrible for the family," especially Libby's wife and children. Libby and his wife, Harriet Grant, have two school-age children, a son and a daughter. Oh his poor, poor family! How is it that Dubya sleeps like a baby at night (on his Spiderman bed sheets) when it comes to the families who have had loved ones die in Iraq or the families who lost everything in New Orleans but when someone close to him finally gets his comeuppance he feels terrible? Scooter got what he deserved. Now if we could only try and convict Cheney. In the end Bush is just going to pardon Scooter Libby anyway but I guess it can be considered a moral victory of sorts. Give me an “S”, give me a “C”, give me an “O”, give me another “O”, give me a “T”, give me an “E”, give me a “T”…what’s that spell? Jail time.

THIS SPACE IS MYSPACE, THIS SPACE IS THEIR SPACE
Ever since Rupert Murdoch purchased Myspace.com for over half a billion dollars, his right-wing influence has invaded the popular networking site. It’s bad enough that you’re subjected to pop-ups for Fox television shows and movies but I found this most recent discovery the most disturbing. I logged into Myspace yesterday and while checking friend’s bulletin posts on my home-page, I noticed the section of sponsored links:
Sponsored Links
John McCain for President
Make a Donation Today And Help Elect John McCain
JohnMcCain.com/Contribute

Free Iraq War Book
Get your free Iraq War Book 24 Hour Offer!

Accredited Online Degree
Move your career forward with an accredited online degree!

Ann Coulter's Column Free
Get Ann Coulter's weekly column delivered to you Free via email.

Wow. Maybe they should change the name to MyGOPspace! Clearly Rupert would like to see John McCain as the next President so why not get help from all the impressionable youths he can subject to his beliefs? I didn’t even click on the Free Iraq War Book link. Knowing the Bush administration’s desire for more troops the link probably enrolls you in the military just by clicking on it (I’m sure they justify it somewhere in the Patriot Act). Ann Coulter’s free column? You couldn’t pay me to read the dreck that spews out of that she-devil’s mouth. Leave it to the wizard of Fox to try to make Ann Coulter main stream. To all you kids out there, don’t drink the Kool-aid. These links are sponsored by people who want to control the way you think; don’t let them. Your freedom of thought is one of the few ones they haven’t taken away yet. Myspace, my head, my thoughts.

WHAT IF…
While I was on the topic of Rupert Murdoch and his Fox empire, it got me thinking. What if FOX NEWS had been around to cover events since the dawn of Man? What kind of teaser intros would they have given for news stories? Let’s take a look.

THE 10 PLAGUES: "Have you seen any frogs around recently? Then God might already be in the process of smiting you...story at 11"

THE DEATH OF JESUS: "Son of god killed by his closest confidant. If you have friends, you can't afford to miss this story...tonight at 11!"

THE DEATH OF LINCOLN: "Lincoln shot dead while attending the theatre. If you enjoy cultural events, there could be a gun man standing behind you right now! Don't turn around until you watch FOX NEWS, tonight at 11!"

THE ATOM BOMB: "Visiting Japan could kill you. In fact, if someone you know is in Japan right now, there's a 90% chance they're already dead. Before you try to call them, get the facts. Tonight, at 11"

THE FIRST SOLAR ECLIPSE: "The Moon is eating the Sun. If you rely on sunlight to survive, you can't afford to miss this story! Tonight, at 11."

PROHIBITION: “Alcohol is no longer legal. If you’re drunk right now it won’t last. The sobering details tonight at 11!”

COLUMBUS DISCOVERS AMERICA: “A white man discovered a new country today. Once his followers are able to kill the threatening, local wild animals (they almost resemble tribal people of some sort) it will be safe for you to settle there and enjoy some corn. Get the details, tonight at 11!”

HELLO MY NAME IS D. JACOB AND I LIKE TO DO DRAWRINGS

A RIDE ON THE JESUS EXPRESS
A few Wednesdays ago, I got tickets to see the Phillies play the Brewers. It was Ryan Howard bobble figurine night; a must have collectors item for Phillies fans. We grabbed some sandwiches for dinner from the Subway on Broad Street (yes I realize that eating a Subway sub in Philadelphia, the city that prides itself on hoagies is sacrilege, but we were running late and Subway is located ironically next to the subway we take to the game) and jumped on the subway to head down to the ballpark. Once on the subway we settled into our seats for the quick trip to the stadium. Although speedy, this trip is rarely uneventful. The subway system just seems to bring out the crazies. The doors closed and we left our station. Within seconds a woman standing next to me, wheeling a cart full of candy began to speak, loudly, to the entire car. I can’t recall verbatim what she was babbling about, but it had something to do with seeking forgiveness through Jesus Christ. Normally I have a hard time biting my tongue when these people start with their madness but it sometimes makes others uncomfortable so I decided to take the moral high ground. The woman asked people if they’d like information on her church (or perhaps it was an organization of some sort) but most of them, myself included, ignored her. Then she got to her real reason for disrupting the tranquility of the subway car. It was the same thing that all of these religious fanatics are really after, money. Obviously Jesus hadn’t bothered to fund his own church and had left it to his humble followers to collect dollar bills on the subway. This messenger of god was clearly doing the lord’s work. Still, like most of the other people in the car, I decided my money was better spent on other things. Undeterred, the woman upped the ante.
“As a gift of appreciation for your dollar donation, feel free to help yourself to some candy.”
Obviously Jesus was not concerned with my diabetes. He wanted my money, even if it killed me. I resisted the strong urge to purchase the holy candy and declined to give her any money. She moved on to the next victim. Another woman quickly approached us.
“I couldn’t help but notice that you didn’t donate any money. Would you be interested in some information on how to live a better life under the teachings and forgiveness of Jesus Christ?” she asked.
I looked up. The woman was standing directly under a sign above the door that read, “No Eating, No Drinking, No Smoking, No Playing of Radios, and No Solicitation”.
“I couldn’t help but notice that in order to keep the ‘law of god’, you are clearly breaking the law of man,” I desperately wanted to reply. Instead I bit my tongue. I figured the irony would be lost of her. A few seats over, the woman with the candy had claimed her second victim.
“Not interested,” I responded.
The woman looked at me sadly, as if I were doomed, and moved on. I was doomed? There is a reason solicitation is not permitted on the subway. Once people board the subway they are trapped there. They can’t simply get up at a moment’s whim and exit. They are literally a captive audience. I was not pleased. I hoped that a SEPTA (South Eastern Pennsylvania Transit Authority) official would suddenly appear and arrest these women. As per usual, it did not happen; SEPTA officials are only around when you don’t need them.

THE MISNOMER LAWYER
Once the madness with the Jesus and Mary Chain had ended, I resumed a favorite subway pastime, reading advertisements. One in particular caught my eye. It was a big black sign advertising the services of the “Vigilante Lawyer”. If the sign had said only “Vigilante Lawyer” and nothing else (aside from a phone number or web-site) I would have thought that he was an attorney that defended fathers who, unsatisfied with the legal process, sought revenge against men who had raped their daughters, bank robbers who stole from the rich and gave to the poor, and other vigilantes. For those of you not familiar with the term:

vig·i·lan·te [vij-uh-lan-tee]
–noun
1.
a member of a vigilance committee.
2.
any person who illegally takes the law into his or her own hands, as by avenging a crime.
–adjective
3.
done violently and summarily, without recourse to lawful procedures: vigilante justice.

This guy was a real hero. He was defending those people who had taken the law into their own hands to avenge a loved one, and now, ironically, were being subjected to the same legal process that had failed to aid them. What better place to find vigilantes on the run than on the subway? Nothing screams, “I’ve got to get out of town and head underground” like the Broad Street local (making all stops). I should have stopped reading there. However, directly under “Vigilante Lawyer” were listed the jaw-dropping vigilante crimes: DUI, License Restoration, and Moving Violations, followed by the phone number 1-877-TRAF-TIC. If this guy could afford a TV commercial, I could only imagine what it would be like.
“Were you the victim of crime? Did the system fail you and force you to take the law into your own hands? If you are the victim of crime who was left with no choice but to pound a 12 pack of beer and cruise around in your car or run a red light or two in the name of justice, then you need…the Vigilante Lawyer! Call 1-877-TRAF-TIC today!”

What was the deal? Had this guy graduated from law-school yet somehow had never bothered to open a dictionary? Maybe he’d planned on reading Webster’s from cover to cover but got distracted and never made it past the letter “U”. Unlikely. Perhaps with his limited advertising budget he couldn’t afford the sign he’d really wanted.
“Yes I’d like a sign that says: ‘The Traffic Violations Lawyer’”
“Okay that’ll be $200”
“I only have a $150, can you work with me?”
“I’d love to be able to give you ‘Traffic Violations Lawyer’ for that price but my hands are tied. Luckily, we’re having a sale this week on ‘Renegade Lawyer’ and ‘Vigilante Lawyer’.”
“Violation, Vigilante, close enough…I’ll take it!”

License restoration? That just reeks of vigilance!
“Has your license been temporarily suspended? Not able to pay the fines or wait the six months that the legal process requires? Then hire the Vigilante Lawyer! He’ll take the law into his own hands and get results! He laughs in the face of traffic tickets. If he wasn’t the best, could he really afford to advertise in the subway?”

BACK, BACK, BACK…OUTTA HERE!
That’s all for today loyal readers. I hope you enjoyed today’s post and found sometime to share it with your friends (and enemies). Nothing says, “I love you or hate you” like forwarding the link to this site. Thanks for sticking with me during the last few months and I promise to bring you posts with more frequency this summer! Have a great weekend and check back soon for more truth, straight from the Spoon!

IF YOU DON'T READ THIS BLOG, YOU'RE ALREADY AN IDIOT (STORY AT 11)

2007-05-14T13:29:00.000-05:00

CHEATS LIKE A FOX
Tomorrow, On May 15^th, Republican presidential hopefuls will take part in a debate in Columbia, SC. With the field still wide open, it is a daunting task to decide which of the ten presidential hopefuls should be asked to participate. Luckily for all of us, Fox News has us covered. State Party chairman Katon Dawson and a spokesman for Fox News (the official “news” station of George Bush and his goons) said Thursday that they had agreed on criteria, including polling numbers, for choosing which of the ten GOP candidates will take part in the May 15 debate.

"We understand there's not room for everybody on a nationwide political stage for a Republican debate," Dawson said.
Marty Ryan, executive producer of political programming for Fox News Channel, said the polling criteria would ensure "that serious candidates were taking part in our debate."
What does this mean? Fox News gets to decide which possible candidates they want to endorse. If Fox doesn’t like them, they aren’t going to make it on the air. So what are the criteria? Candidates must have "garnered at least 1 percent in recent state and national polls leading up to the registration deadline, as determined by Fox News Channel and the South Carolina Republican Party," according to Rob Godfrey, the state party's communications director. Let’s get this straight; as long as Fox News determines that a candidate has met the requirements that they themselves put in place, then they are good to go? That seems just and fair. In a variety of national and state polls, seven of the ten candidates hover around 1 percent or less. Only Rudy Giuliani, John McCain, and Mitt Romney easily meet the criteria based on polling. The standard has the potential to bar several candidates from the debate and anger the lesser-known GOP hopefuls. This all makes sense. Fox wants a republican to win the presidency. What better way to help that along then by removing the candidates that they see as weak from the field? Katon Dawson went on to say that the criteria was jointly developed so "we wouldn't have people who were just willing to pay a filing fee and think that they could show up and be on the stage. There are a lot of people who would like to be able to vent their special interests on a presidential stage. If you're not in the poll number and you haven't met the criteria, no, you won't be able to get on the stage," he said. God forbid someone who hasn’t met Fox’s criteria should be able to engage in a political debate. We wouldn’t just want anyone who wants to run for president to be able to do so; that would be Democracy or something. It might be good enough for the Iraqis but we’ll have none of it (it’s like fruitcake at Christmas time; a great gift to unload on someone else but not something you’d enjoy receiving yourself). The fact of the matter is, Fox News is a joke anyway. It isn’t news, it is Republican propaganda. They can spew their GOP rhetoric all they want but when they start becoming part of the political process, as they are in this debate, I think we should all stand up and take notice. It’s one thing to spin the news; it’s a whole new batch of trouble when Fox begins to shape it.

IF YOU AREN’T READING THIS POST RIGHT NOW, YOU MIGHT ALREADY BE DEAD!
While I am on the topic of Fox News, I’d like to take a minute to talk about their “news intros” (the little fifteen second teasers that air during the day to alert you to the evening’s breaking “can’t miss” news stories). While most stations have made an art form out of these intros, Fox has taken it to a whole new level. While these are spoofs of quotes from Fox News intros, they are pretty close to the real deal.
“Something you are doing right this very second could be killing you…story at 11.”
“The next shower you take could be your last…story at 11”
“Has our drinking water already been compromised by terrorists? A story you can’t afford to miss…three weeks from tonight, at 11”
"One simple exercise you do every morning could be making your penis smaller...story at 11"
"Do you like beer? Hear one local man tell you how imported lager made him gay....story at 11"
"Stocked up on duct tape? If not, the terrorists may have already won! ...story at 11."
Fox, you are out of control. It’s not enough to spin the news to align it with the GOP agenda, now you are in the business of scaring people into watching Fox News (hmmm, actually, that sounds EXACTLY like the GOP agenda). If a story was so serious that people who didn’t watch it were actually in harm’s way, would you really wait seven or more hours to air it? If you would, you are either completely reckless (like our cowboy President) or just plain stupid (once again like our idiot, cowboy president). If something I am doing right now might be putting me in harm’s way, then tell me about it RIGHT NOW. My theory is, we aren’t actually in danger. The real danger is WATCHING Fox and mistaking their stories as fact. They are currently in the process of building the largest building in center city, Philadelphia, Comcast Tower. The other day, while watching “The Simpson’s” in the afternoon I caught a Fox News teaser for their nightly news show. It went something like this, “Comcast Tower…a new target for terrorists? Not in our city! We will take you on an unprecedented look inside Philadelphia’s newest and tallest skyscraper to show you the cutting edge ‘anti-terror’ features that have been built directly into the building…”
Okay, let me get this straight…they bothered to create all of these anti-terror features to this building and now you’re going to show them to everyone with a television? Good thing for all of us that the first rule of terrorism is “thou shall not watch television”…right? Next, Fox should start a nightly segment where they reveal all of the security measures at local airports, stadiums, national monuments, and ports. We all know that the Republicans are anxiously awaiting the next attack on U.S. soil so they can use it to once again to make Democrats look weak, make citizens so scared that they look to the government for answers, and then can continue their “war on terror,” but that doesn’t mean unloading all of all safety measures on anyone with a television. They might as well call it “Terrorism for Dummies”. Terrorists, we here at Fox news realize that blowing shit up just isn’t as easy as it used to be and we are here for you. Be sure to turn in this, and every Saturday night when we present to you easy and cost effective ways of turning your next Jihad into one for the ages!
Fox News and its Republican scare tactics are only dangerous because so many American’s rely on television to bring the news into their homes. The good old days are over people. If you want real news, you have to seek it out on your own. It isn’t going to be delivered into your home on a daily basis like a glass jar of milk. You can’t believe everything your mommy and daddy told you and that goes double for what you see and hear on television and radio (and often times in print as well). It is a new era of news media. The evening news is no longer responsible for bringing us the truth; it is responsible for getting us to tune in so their advertisers will pay more money for commercials. How do they do that? It’s simple… blood, war, weather, and scare tactics. If it bleeds, it leads. You want weather? Open the window. If they only have 23 minutes to bring you the news and 8 of them are used for weather, doesn’t that tell you something? If people stopped watching Fox News (and many of the other network news shows) and instead took 30 minutes a day to seek out their own news, we would be a country that has many more informed citizens than we do now. Consider it a diet for your brain. Fox News is like the McDonald’s of television. Sure, it might taste good and be cheap but it’s clogging your arteries and adding extra pounds to those love-handles. You wouldn’t eat dinner that was mysteriously left on your doorstep every evening and you shouldn’t watch a nightly news show that scares you into watching it. I’ll make it easy…”Watching even one minute of a Fox News show could be damaging millions of brain cells…story in 2009, at 11.”

CHANCE OF SURVIVAL? (ARMY OF) ONE OUT OF A MILLION
I was watching TV last night when I saw a commercial for the army. “Go to Army.com for a list of the army's 150 career choices,” the announcer said at the end. I understand why people in the past would have joined the military; a lot of people don’t have many options when it comes to paying for college and have to join the reserves or the National Guard, other people had parents and grandparents who served in the military and wanted to keep the tradition going, some just had nothing else they could think of to do with their lives. But joining the army now? I don’t think so. 150 career choices? Something tells me there really aren’t 150 careers to choose from in the army right now; it’s probably closer to five choices. The following is a list of what I think those choices might be:

1. Iraqi Occupier. Bush declared the end of major combat quite a long time ago. Remember the big banner behind him when he made that announcement? It read, “Mission Accomplished”. If major fighting is over and we’re still there that means only one thing, occupation. Since you cannot win an occupation, we’re going to be there indefinitely! Sounds like a good career choice for someone looking for a job for the next 40 years.

2. Grave Filler. This job is kind of like the job of those people who fill seats at awards shows when the stars get up to use the bathroom. More U.S. soldiers have died in Iraq than died in 9/11. We are filling up coffins and graves with more soldiers every single day. At least this way the military pays for your funeral and I’m sure they’ll send your family all the benefits they have coming just like they make sure that they take great care of the wounded when they return to the U.S.

3. Advocate for Amputees. What better way to get inside the head of an amputee so that you know what they go through on a daily basis than to become one yourself? The army can put you on the fast track to losing that unwanted arm or leg. Body armor is for pussies; everyone knows that. You’re a tough guy; a little road-side bomb never stopped you. Once you spend a few months battling the infection you got in Walter Reed Medical Center you’ll be able to start your new job as an advocate for amputees. Soldiers wanting to enter this career track are asked to not watch “Born on The 4^th of July” before registering. Lose a leg, gain a career, in the Army.

4. Professional Scapegoat. We all know that Bush and Cheney aren’t going to take responsibility for the mess in the Middle East so why not step up and take the bullet for them? That’s right, join the army and in just a few short weeks you could be the President’s personal scapegoat! Imagine getting to go in front of every major news network in the world and taking responsibility for the whole Iraqi war! If it’s your dream to take one for the team then the army has you covered. This is the fast track to a presidential pardon. You’re going places.

5. Closet homosexual. Looking for a career that keeps your homosexual tendencies under wraps? If so, the army is looking for you! The best part is, no one is going to ask as long as you don’t tell. Keep your church-going friends and family happy by showing them that you’re man enough to pick up a gun and fight for your country. Think of the army as a big closet that just happens to be filled with sand and suicide bombers. Besides, those uniforms really bring out the color in your eyes.

EARLY DEATH AHEAD, PLEASE EXIT ON LEFT HAND SIDE
A recent study suggests that women who are left-handed have a higher risk of dying, particularly from cancer and cerebrovascular disease (damage to an artery in the brain or an artery that supplies blood to the brain). Sorry Dubya, this doesn't mean that women associated with the political left (like Nancy Pelosi) will be dropping dead any time soon. While it could be a chance finding and the evidence is far from conclusive, numerous reports have associated left-handedness with various disorders and shorter life span, Dutch researchers note in their report in the journal Epidemiology. For any of you men out there who are dating a left handed girl, I say just break it off now. Save yourself the trouble of heartache later in life when your south-paw drops dead prematurely. Thankfully, there is no data to show that left handed women could spread pre-mature death to men through physical contact. When left-handed women were compared with the other women (and the data was adjusted for a number of potentially confounding factors) lefties had a 40 percent higher risk of dying from any cause, a 70 percent higher risk of dying from cancer, and a 30 percent higher risk of dying from diseases of the circulatory system. Left-handed women also had a 2-fold increased risk of dying from breast cancer, close to a 5-fold increased risk of dying from colorectal cancer, and more than a 3-fold higher risk of cerebrovascular mortality. It has been hypothesized that left-handedness is the result of an insult suffered during prenatal life, which ultimately leads to the early death. Wow, if my daughter is born left handed I’m just going to write her off and move on to the next kid. On second thought, it probably has nothing to do with prenatal life. I bet all of those special scissors that they make for left-handed people are just dyed with lead-based paint or something. Left handed men on the other hand (no pun intended) go onto all sorts of successful careers. Every team in major league baseball is in need of another dominating left hander for their bullpen or starting rotation. I think they key is, if you have a left handed daughter, start working on her fast ball from the time she can throw. She might not live to the ripe old age of 90, but she might be able to get her splitter into the low eighties.

LET’S GET PERSONAL
I would like to apologize for my lack of posts recently and assure you all that the frequency of my writing will increase in the coming weeks. I have a lot of things going on right now in my personal life which have made it difficult to spend the time required to bring you top-notch quality posts on a more consistent basis. I appreciate you sticking with me and I hope you have enjoyed today’s offering.

On another quick note I would like to wish recently happy birthday’s to my brother Joshua, my uncle Michael.

For those of you in Philadelphia, make sure to get out and vote tomorrow. You can’t complain if you don’t vote for change.

Check out the new reviews posted in the review section including Shrek 3 (which comes out Friday)

That’s all I have for today folks, check back soon to get more truth, right from the Spoon!

THE HOUSE ALWAYS WINS

2007-04-26T17:00:00.000-05:00

DUBYA GETS HOUSED BY CONGRESS
Last night, the House voted 218-208 to pass the $124.2 billion Iraqi war supplemental spending measure that contains a provision that would order the withdrawal of U.S. troops to begin this fall. The Senate passed the same bill today (51-46). The legislation is the first binding challenge on the war that Democrats have managed to execute since they took control of both houses of Congress this past January.

"The sacrifices borne by our troops and their families demand more than the blank checks the president is asking for, for a war without end," House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said.
Our shameless leader, George “What-me-worry” Bush, is expected to receive the bill next Tuesday, and immediately veto it. Tuesday also happens to be the four year anniversary of the Mad Cowboy’s announcement aboard the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln that major combat operations in Iraq had ended.
"The battle of Iraq is one victory in a war on terror that began on Sept. 11, 2001, and still goes on," Bush said on May 1, 2003, in front of a huge "Mission Accomplished" banner. Sadly, I think that banner was not meant to be displayed in front of the public. It was actually a personal gift to the President from the board of Haliburton; a little “thank you” for a job well done. Then again, if the mission was dragging out a long occupation in Iraq, sending America’s deficit soaring to record heights, and having more Americans die on Iraqi soil than died on 9/11, then he was right; Mission Accomplished.
"Last November, the American people voted for a change in strategy in Iraq -- and the president listened," White House spokesman Dana Perino said in a statement Wednesday. "Tonight, the House of Representatives voted for failure in Iraq -- and the president will veto its bill."
It is not failure to pull out of Iraq; it was a failure in rational thinking to go there in the first place. We are not at war with Iraq, we are occupying Iraq. You cannot win an occupation.
Republicans labeled the timetable a "surrender date."
"Al-Qaida will view this as the day the House of Representatives threw in the towel," said Rep. Jerry Lewis of California (ranking Republican on the House Appropriations Committee).
Sometimes you have to throw in the towel but it doesn’t mean surrendering, it means living another day. Bush has giving our troops a hopeless mission. The troops haven’t failed! Dubya has failed. If I asked all of you to grow wings and fly off the roof of my apartment building tomorrow and you all fall to your death, it isn’t your fault that you failed, it was an impossible mission. Winning the “war on terror” is an impossible mission. Al-Qaida is fighting their own “war on terror” but George Bush is their Osama. There will be no winners, only losers. It’s like a poker game at a casino and the U.S. has already lost all the money we came to play with. The smart player would realize he’s down $3,000 and go home. Bush is like the degenerate gambler who is down so he decides to borrow another $3,000 to win his original stake back. He’s just going to lose another $3,000. The problem is, he’s not just playing with America’s money, he’s gambling with the lives of our troops. He has nothing to lose. It’s our tax money, and not one single person that is important to him (or anyone in his tight-knit circle) is over in Iraq in harm’s way. They only thing that can be done is an intervention from his good friends in Congress. They need to recognize that the man is a compulsive gambler and needs to be cut off. They need to start cutting off his money, and reducing the number of troops he can send to their untimely deaths. Bush may have the veto power but if Congress can finally start to work as an independent branch of the legislature, and not just as a lackey for the President, then Dubya will have no choice but to see that the House (and Senate) always wins.

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "George W. Bush"
3. Send it to the trash bin.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "George W. Bush?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better.
PS: Next week we'll do Dick Cheney

THE CATHOLIC CHURCH WINS LIMBO COMPETITION FOR THE AGES
The Roman Catholic Church has effectively buried the concept of limbo, the place where centuries of tradition and teaching held that babies who die without baptism went. In a long-awaited 41 page document (published on Friday by Origins, the documentary service of the U.S.-based Catholic News Service, which is part of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops) the Church's International Theological Commission said limbo reflected an "unduly restrictive view of salvation." Take that Limbo.
"The conclusion of this study is that there are theological and liturgical reasons to hope that infants who die without baptism may be saved and brought into eternal happiness even if there is not an explicit teaching on this question found in revelation," the document said. "There are reasons to hope that God will save these infants precisely because it was not possible (to baptize them)."
The church teaches that baptism removes original sin which stains all souls since the fall from grace in the Garden of Eden. Basically, the church thinks we’re all damaged goods because some dude couldn’t keep his hands off of one of god’s apples several million years ago. God, get over it, it was one apple. If you’re really so almighty then create an apple filled with forgiveness juice and eat up. So that’s it Catholic Church eh? No more Limbo? You taught Limbo to Catholics well into the 20^th century but now you suddenly change your mind. There must be a reason; let’s dig a little deeper and see what else this document of yours says.
"People find it increasingly difficult to accept that God is just and merciful if he excludes infants, who have no personal sins, from eternal happiness, whether they are Christian or non-Christian," the document said. It continues by stating that the study was made all the more pressing because "the number of non-baptised infants has grown considerably, and therefore the reflection on the possibility of salvation for these infants has become urgent."
Okay, now I get it. It’s extreme make-over for Catholicism! You sent out your market researchers and they conducted their focus groups and came back and said that people are just turned off by the idea of a god who would exclude un-baptised babies (and non-Christians) from heaven and send them to Limbo. Fuck it; let’s just get rid of Limbo altogether and in another ten years we’ll come out with Heaven Jr. (which anyone can get into as long as they donate part of their income to the church (in order to keep paying off pedophile law-suits). That’s right! God is pissed about Adam eating that apple but he’s just A-O-K with priests molesting little boys, helping to spread AIDS by condemning the use of condoms, and just dismissing silly ideas like Limbo. The fact of the matter is, none of us KNOW what happens when we die. We all have ideas, but no one can say one is right and one is not; one might be right, none maybe right, or all could be right. This latest move by the Catholic church is nothing more than putting a friendly spin on a religion who’s numbers are dwindling. It’s like when Taco Bell’s onions were bad and people got sick and then Taco Bell started giving out free tacos to get their patrons back. Make a run for the Order. I can tell you this much Catholic church: I think that this life is Limbo. This is where we all live on the edge of good and evil. It’ll be interesting to see what side you fall on when you leave this world. Just to be safe, I wouldn’t eat any apples.

INBOX, FULL OF UNTRUTHS
What’s going on email? I thought we were boys. I always assumed that the messages you left in my inbox were all truthful: My wife loves me and wants to get together for lunch, I have to update my fantasy baseball team by Monday, Southwest Airlines is having a system-wide sale, I too can experience the joys of male penis enhancement, and some guy from Kenya has singled me out to share his 60 million dollar fortune, but today I found out that you are nothing more than an electronic liar; for shame email, for shame. This morning when I awoke I had several new emails. One of the first ones I read was from EMS (Eastern Mountain Sports) and had the subject heading: “20% Off* The Entire Store - Last Chance”. I like saving money as much as the next guy and if this was truly my last chance I figured I should take advantage. Before I opened the email, I decided to finish reading over the rest of my inbox. There were many other emails, a few from my wife, one from my father, a few offering to sell me prescription drugs or electronics, and then I saw it, a second email from EMS. I scrolled down. The subject heading was the same as the first: “20% Off* The Entire Store - Last Chance”. How could this be? If this second email was truly my last chance then what had the first email been? How could I have two last chances? Then it hit me like a ton of hiking boots, the first email had been nothing more than a lie. I felt sick. If email could lie to me, anyone could! Maybe my TiVo had lied to me last night and didn’t really record “Lost” for me. What if when my cell phone said I had three missed calls I really had four? That last person might never get a call back! I didn’t know who to blame. EMS had obviously sent the email twice. They had lied to me (about my last chance) to get me to buy something! Had other business tricked me with the same magic beans before? I wanted my cow back. Then I started to focus the blame more onto my email. You’re supposed to look out for me email. If a company sends an email twice about a last chance sale you should have a “liar filter” in place to send it right to the rubbish bin. Looks like someone was sleeping on the job, or maybe you were too busy checking out one of my emails about 100% free porn to pay proper attention. Here’s all I know, I lost my innocence today. I no longer believe in the goodness of business or email. I’ll be keeping a watchful eye on you from now on. I’ve got mail, and you’ve got some explaining to do.

THE MARIJUANA OF TODAY IS MUCH MORE…WAIT, WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT?
Government drug experts said yesterday that the marijuana being sold across the United States is stronger than at any point in recent history. Analysis of seized samples of marijuana (and hashish) showed that more of the cannabis on the market is of the strongest grade, the White House and National Institute for Drug Abuse said.
They cited data from the University of Mississippi's Marijuana Potency Project showing the average levels of THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, in the products rose from 7 percent in 2003 to 8.5 percent in 2006. The level had risen steadily from 3.5 percent in 1988. I think that’s excellent news. If the price of pot is going to continue to rise (as it has since 1988) then it seems only fair that the quality of the weed should increase. The pharmacy department at Mississippi has compiled data on 59,369 samples of cannabis, 1,225 hashish samples, and 443 hash oil samples confiscated since 1975. "The highest concentration of (THC) found in a cannabis (marijuana) sample is 33.12 percent from Oregon State Police," the report reads. Road trip to Oregon anyone?
“This report underscores that we are no longer talking about the drug of the 1960s and 1970s -- this is Pot 2.0," John Walters, director of National Drug Control Policy, said in a statement. I’d like to put in a request for Pot 3.0: get rid of the munchies.
National Institute on Drug Abuse Director Dr. Nora Volkow weighed in with her own gem of wisdom saying that demand has driven growers to cultivate the stronger stuff. "It is the market," she said. "Like in the market you favor the best tomatoes. When people buy marijuana, they don't want a weak cigarette."
Really? You mean when pot-smokers buy weed they are concerned with silly things like quality? Say it isn’t so. Why would someone want to buy dirt-weed when they can get some choice nuggets? The few people who would prefer to smoke the lower quality stuff are just about the only people who shouldn’t be allowed to smoke, they are already running low on brain cells. Sure, people get a little burned out when they smoke pot, but it’s nothing as compared to the damage liquor will do to your system. Pot is bad for you because inhaling smoke is bad for you. If people learned to properly cook with THC or chose to use a vaporizer (that involves vapors instead of smoke) it would vastly cut down on the damage it does. Alcohol destroys your liver, it causes countless drunken driving accidents, it causes bar brawls, and the list goes on and on. Stop pointing the finger at marijuana. You want to keep marijuana under wraps? Legalize it. Then you can control the THC content and whatever else you want. Making it illegal and then complaining about the greater quality of the product is just plain stupid. Go after alcohol, go after tobacco, go after cocaine, or heroin, but please, just leave marijuana alone. The fact that pot-smokers are demanding greater quality shows that they are smart enough to know what they want. Most alcoholics I’ve seen will drink anything you stick in front of them. They’d rather spend $5 on an entire cheap bottle of vodka than pay $8 for a decent martini. My point is…does anyone have any cookies?

BUSH CLAIMS HE COULDN’T HAVE FIXED THE ELECTION BECAUSE HE’S NEVER TAKEN VIAGRA
Someone sent me the following article on Monday and I thought it was important (and truth-filled) enough that I should share it with all of you. I did not write it, I am only passing it along to all of you, enjoy.

The GOP's Cyber Election Hit Squad

By Steven Rosenfeld and Bob Fitrakis

The Free Press Sunday 22 April 2007

Did the most powerful Republicans in America have the computer capacity, software skills and electronic infrastructure in place on Election Night 2004 to tamper with the Ohio results to ensure George W. Bush's re-election?

The answer appears to be yes. There is more than ample documentation to show that on Election Night 2004, Ohio's "official" Secretary of State website - which gave the world the presidential election results - was redirected from an Ohio government server to a group of servers that contain scores of Republican web sites, including the secret White House e-mail accounts that have emerged in the scandal surrounding Attorney General Alberto Gonzales's firing of eight federal prosecutors.

Recent revelations have documented that the Republican National Committee (RNC) ran a secret White House e-mail system for Karl Rove and dozens of White House staffers. This high-tech system used to count and report the 2004 presidential vote- from server-hosting contracts, to software-writing services, to remote-access capability, to the actual server usage logs themselves - must be added to the growing congressional investigations.

Numerous tech-savvy bloggers, starting with the online investigative consortium epluribusmedia.org and their November 2006 article cross-posted by contributor luaptifer to Dailykos, and Joseph Cannon's blog at Cannonfire.blogspot.com, outed the RNC tech network. That web-hosting firm is SMARTech Corp. of Chattanooga, TN, operating out of the basement in the old Pioneer Bank building. The firm hosts scores of Republican websites, including georgewbush.com, gop.com and rnc.org.

The software created for the Ohio secretary of state's Election Night 2004 website was created by GovTech Solutions, a firm co-founded by longtime GOP computing guru Mike Connell. He also redesigned the Bush campaign's website in 2000 and told "Inside Business" magazine in 1999, "I wouldn't be where I am today without the Bush campaign and the Bush family because the Bushes truly are about family and I'm loyal to my network."

Ohio's Cedarville University, a Christian school with 3,100 students, issued a press release on January 13, 2005 describing how faculty member Dr. Alan Dillman's computing company Government Consulting Resources, Ltd, worked with these Republican-connected companies to tally the vote on Election Night 2004.

"Dillman personally led the effort from the GCR side, teaming with key members of Blackwell's staff," the release said. "GCR teamed with several other firms - including key players such as GovTech Solutions, which performed the software development - to deliver the end result. SMARTech provided the backup and additional system capacity, and Mercury Interactive performed the stress testing."

On Election Night 2004, the Republican Party not only controlled the vote-counting process in Ohio, the final presidential swing state, through a secretary of state who was a co-chair of the Bush campaign, but it also controlled the technology that allowed the tally of the vote in Ohio's 88 counties to be reported to the media and voters.

Privatizing elections and allowing known partisans to run a key presidential vote count is troubling enough. But the reason Congress must investigate these high-tech ties is there is abundant evidence that Republicans could have used this computing network to delay announcing the winner of Ohio's 2004 election while tinkering with the results.

Did Ohio Republican Secretary of State J. Kenneth Blackwell or other GOP operatives inflate the president's vote totals to secure George W. Bush's margin of victory? On Election Night 2004, many of the totals reported by the Secretary of State were based on local precinct results that were impossible. In Clyde, Ohio, a Republican haven, Bush won big after 131 percent voter turnout. In Republican Perry County, two precincts came in at 124 percent and 120 percent respectively. In Gahanna Ward 1, precinct B, Bush received 4,258 votes despite the fact that only 638 people voted for president. In Concord Southwest in Miami County, the certified election results proudly proclaimed at 679 out of 689 registered voters cast ballots, a 98.55 percent turnout. FreePress.org later found that only 547 voters had signed in.

These strange election results were routed by county election officials through Ohio's Secretary of State's office, through partisan IT providers and software, and the final results were hosted out of a computer based in Tennessee announcing the winner. The Cedarville University releases boasted the system "was running like a champ." It said, "The system kept running through the early morning hours as users from around the world looked to Ohio for their election results."

All the facts are not in, but enough is known to warrant a serious congressional inquiry. Beginning with a timeline on Election Night after a national media consortium exit poll predicted Democrat John Kerry would win Ohio, the first Ohio returns were from the state's Democratic urban strongholds, showing Kerry in the lead.

This was the case until shortly after midnight on Wednesday, Nov. 5, when for roughly 90 minutes the Ohio election results reported on the Secretary of State's website were frozen. Shortly before 2am EST election returns came in from a handful of the state's rural Republican enclaves, bumping Bush's numbers over the top.

It was known Bush would carry rural Ohio. But the vote totals from these last-to-report counties, where Karl Rove said there was an unprecedented late-hour evangelical vote giving the White House a moral mandate, were highly improbable and suggested vote count fraud to pad Bush's numbers. Just how flimsy the reported GOP totals were was not known on Election Night and has not been examined by the national media. But an investigation by the House Judiciary Committee Democratic staff begun after Election Day 2004 and completed before the Electoral College met on Jan. 6, 2005, was first to publicly point to vote count fraud in rural Ohio.

That report, "Preserving Democracy: What Went Wrong in Ohio," cited near-impossible vote totals, including 19,000 votes that were mysteriously added at the close of tallying the vote in Miami County. The report cited more than 3,000 apparently fraudulent voter registrations - all dating back to the same day in 1977 in Perry County. The report noted a homeland security emergency was declared in Warren County, prompting its ballots to be taken to a police-guarded unauthorized warehouse and counted away from public scrutiny, despite local media protests.

In our book, "What Happened in Ohio: A Documentary Record of Theft and Fraud in the 2004 Election" (The New Press, 2006), we go beyond the House Judiciary Democratic report to analyze precinct-by-precinct returns and we print copies of the documents upon which we base our findings. We found many vote-count irregularities based on examining the certified results, precinct-level records and the actual ballots.

The most eyebrow-raising example to emerge from parsing precinct results was finding 10,500 people in three Ohio's 'Bible Belt' counties who'voted to re-elect Bush and voted in favor of gay marriage, if the official results are true. That was in Warren, Butler and Clermont Counties. The most plausible explanation for this anomaly, which defies logic and was not seen anywhere else in the country, was Kerry votes were flipped to Bush while the rest of the ballot was left alone. While we have some theories about how that might have been done by hand in a police-guarded warehouse, could full Republican control of the vote-counting software and servers also have played a role?

The early returns on the Secretary of State's website suggest Blackwell's vote-tallying and reporting system could manipulate large blocks of votes. Screenshots taken during the early returns in Hamilton County, where Cincinnati is located, gave Green Party presidential candidate David Cobb 39,541 votes, which was clearly incorrect. Similarly, early return screenshots in Lucas County, where Toledo is located, gave Cobb 4,685 votes, another clear error. (The screenshots are in our book). Were these innocent computer glitches or was a GOP vote-counting and reporting system moving and dumping Kerry votes?

There's more evidence the late returns from Ohio's Republican-majority countryside were not accurate. During the spring and summer of 2006, several teams of investigators associated with Freepress.org, notably one team led by Ron Baiman, a Ph.D. statistician and researcher at Chicago's Loyola University, examined the actual election records from precincts in Miami and Clermont Counties. These records - from poll books where voters sign in, to examining the actual ballots themselves - were not publicly accessible until last year, under orders from Ohio's former Republican Secretary of State. Baiman compared the number of voters who signed in with the total number of votes attributed to precincts. He found hundreds of "phantom" votes, where the number of voter signatures was less than the reported vote total. That discrepancy also suggests vote count fraud.

There was other evidence in the observable paper trail of padding the vote, including instances in Delaware County where in one precinct, 359 of the final punch-card ballots cast on Election Day contained no Kerry votes, which means the day's last voters all were Bush supporters, which also is improbable. In another Delaware County precinct, Bush allegedly received the last 210 votes of the day. Were partisan local election workers trying to mask what was happening electronically to tilt the vote count?

Ohio's 2004 ballots were to be destroyed last September. However that fate was blocked by a federal judge, who ruled in the early phase of trying a Voting Rights Act lawsuit that accused Ohio officials of suppressing the minority vote in Ohio's cities. The state's new Secretary of State and Attorney General, both Democrats, are now holding settlement talks for that suit, suggesting its claims have merit. However, unlike Florida after the 2000 election, there still has yet to be a full accounting of Ohio's presidential vote.

What's clear, however, is the highest ranks of the Republican Party's political wing, including White House counselor Karl Rove, a handful of the party's most tech-savvy computer gurus and the former Republican Ohio Secretary of State, created, owned and operated the vote-counting system that reported George W. Bush's re-election to the presidency. Moreover, it appears the votes that gave Bush his 118,775-vote margin of victory - the boost from Ohio's countryside - have yet to be confirmed as accurate. Instead, the reporting to date suggests that what happened on the ground and across Ohio's rural precincts is at odds with the vote tally released on Election Night.

As numerous congressional committees attempt to retrieve and examine the secret White House e-mails surrounding Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' firing of eight federal prosecutors, those panels must also probe the privatization and partisan manipulation of the 2004 presidential vote count in Ohio. The lessons from 2004 have yet to be fully understood or learned.

Similarly, the House Administration Committee, which is expected to soon mark up H.R. 811, a bill by Rep. Rush Holt, D-NJ, to regulate electronic voting technology, also must take heed. The vote count and outcome of American elections cannot be left in the hands of known partisans, who can control and manipulate how the votes are counted and what is reported to the media and American people.

Public vote counts on private, partisan servers and secret proprietary software have no place in a democracy.

--------

Bob Fitrakis is a political science professor and attorney in the King Lincoln Bronzeville civil rights lawsuit against Ken Blackwell. Fitrakis, Rosenfeld and Harvey Wasserman are authors of What Happened in Ohio? A Documentary Record of Theft and Fraud in the 2004 Election, (New Press, 2006).

SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE
You did it! You made it through another action packed, truth filled edition of the Spoon, Full of Truth. You should feel really good about yourself. That was quite a mental workout. You might want to take a moment and dab those beads of sweat from your forehead. Phew. It’s important to reward yourself after a good read so go ahead and just take the weekend off. That’s right; spend Saturday and Sunday doing something you enjoy. Forget about those things that need doing around the house and just watch the NFL Draft, go for a nice walk, or grab a few beers. You deserve it. I bet you didn’t know it was that easy to reward yourself for a job well done. Once Monday rolls around, it’s back to reality and that means another edition of your favorite blog, the Spoon, Full of Truth. Have a friend who could use a little R&R? Forward them the Spoon and once they are finished reading they can share it with their friends and then take the weekend off too! Remember, caring means sharing. Thanks for reading; my words would be lost and lonely without you.

BIBLICAL PLAGUES AND FRIED DINOSAURS

2007-04-13T08:01:00.000-05:00

THE LEAPING (TO CONCLUSIONS)
With god working overtime for his upcoming role in the Christian propaganda film “The Reaping” (co-staring Hilary Swank) he had no choice but to leave his understudies in charge of plaguing the rest of humanity. God had taken the best weapons from his plague arsenal to Hollywood (after all, the producers of “The Reaping” were paying top dollar and did not want to settle for anything less than the original Egyptian plagues). This became apparent to me a few months ago when I was hit with my own set of calamities. A far cry from the original plagues (water to blood, frogs, gnats, flies, diseased livestock, boils, hail mixed with fire, locusts, darkness, and death of the firstborn) I was hit with round after round of toned down plagues (the kind of work you’d expect when you hire a partner in a law firm and he decides to cut out early to hit the links and leaves your big case to one of the associates). First came my lower back pain followed closely by dizziness. Not pleasant but I was still able to get clean, bloodless water out of the faucet and didn’t notice any croaking frogs hopping around. Next came a week of terrible constipation and stomach cramps (which my doctor said was a side effect of pain medication for my back but I prefer the god scenario). This was even less pleasant than the back pain but still preferable to hoards of gnats and flies. I was not happy, but thankful that I was not incurring the full wrath of god. Not wanting to waste my trip to the doctor, I took his advice and tried some fiber chews and laxatives. The stomach pain got worse. Then all of a sudden (much like water instantly turning to blood) I was hit with a terrible bout of diarrhea. For about two days I felt like I’d eaten a large supply of diseased livestock (and my stomach wanted it out). Just when the stomach problems seemed like they were over and maybe god’s intern had found something better to do with his time, the next plague struck: total nasal congestion. I tried everything; cold medicine, allergy medicine, Breath-Right strips (like football players use), and box after box of tissues, but got no relief. Maybe I should have asked the pharmacist what he recommended for boils, but that seemed a little over-dramatic. Then, with the intensity of fire from the sky, came the sneezing. It was awful. Every ten seconds I was at it, one after another, sneeze, sneeze, excuse me, sneeze. The constant sneezing led to dry and cracked lips. It was as if round after round of hungry locusts had eaten all of the moisture from my lips, leaving them barren. I hate chap-stick, and I think the man up stairs knew it. He was testing me, but come on…locusts, gnats, and flies? Mix it up a little bit. When you were lining up the plagues was someone having a killer sale on insects, 3 for the price of 1? What hath god bought? I stood my ground. I knew darkness was up next and I was right. In my case, it came in the form of itchy eyes. Sure I could still see, but my eyes itched and burned. At least if it had been totally dark I wouldn’t have needed to use them; I could have just closed my eyes and gone to bed. The itchiness slowly faded and I was left standing; just one plague to go, death of the first born. That plague hit last Tuesday. One day after buying a second Beta fish, our first born Beta fish suddenly died. They were in separate fish tanks, so the purchase of the second fish could not be linked to the death of the first. I felt the hand of god. Then I remembered that I had spoken poorly of Hilary Swank many times in the past. Could it be that the lord (and her new co-star) was enacting a small amount of revenge? I had been punished with round after round of plague and I had survived! Suck on that Hilary Swank! I think the moral here is obvious: don’t mess with god’s home-girl or he’ll send one of his errand boys to make your life miserable (or at the very least, uncomfortable). I should have known those two were tight. Only the divine hand of god could have guided an Oscar into Hilary Swank’s hands (unless the day comes when they give out an award for most annoying actress and then she’s on her own to fight it out with Claire Danes, Julia Roberts, Fran Dresher, and Rosie O’Donnell). I have it on good authority that god himself reads the Spoon, Full of Truth and I have personally asked him to spare any of my readers from suffering the same fate that I endured. We can just say it’s my toned-down version of suffering on the cross for all of us having enjoyed this story.

IN THE MOOD FOR SOMETHING FINGER LICKIN’ GOOD? HOW ABOUT A LITTLE K.F.T (REX)?
The recent discovery of collagen proteins, found hidden inside the leg bone of a 68 million year old Tyrannosaurus rex fossil, are oldest preserved proteins ever found. Collagen is the main ingredient of connective tissue in animals and is found in cartilage, ligaments, tendons, hooves, bones and teeth. It yields gelatin and glue when boiled in water. The discovery of the proteins alone is amazing, but when scientists compared the protein’s chemical structure to a slew of other species, it showed an evolutionary link between T. rex and chickens (bolstering the idea that birds evolved from dinosaurs, or are even living dinosaurs). Wow, can you imagine what it would have taken to hack one of those T. rex’s up and coat it in the Colonel’s (er, Caveman’s) secret blend of eleven herbs and spices? And talk about your big-ass biscuits! Forget cock-fighting, that’s small potatoes. Could you imagine tossing two T. rex’s in the ring and letting them fight to the death? That has pay-per-view written all over it. This makes life somewhat easier though. The next time your kid is pestering you to take him to the natural history museum to check out some dinosaur fossils or skeletons, just drive him to the local supermarket and let him play around in the poultry department for a few minutes (just make sure to wash his hands afterwards). Chickens are just scaled down dinosaurs. That’s great. In this era of single-serving everything, it’s just nature’s way of helping out. Scale those giant creatures down already. I guess if nothing else this answers the age old question of “what came first, the chicken or the egg?” Clearly, it was the egg; the big-ass T. rex egg.

INSULIN FROM A DIABETIC PANCREAS LIKE BLOOD FROM A STONE? MAYBE NOT FOR LONG!
I would like to share the following store with you that my brother Josh turned me on to. It was written by Lindsey Tanner, a Medical Writer for the AP. As a type-1 diabetic, this story has special meaning to me and I hope it will open the door for more stem-cell research here in the United States. Paying my taxes is supposed to give me the right to the pursuit of happiness. For me, that means stem-cell research. When diabetes is cured, I can truly be happy.

CHICAGO (AP) -- Thirteen young diabetics in Brazil have ditched
their insulin shots and need no other medication thanks to a risky,
but promising treatment with their own stem cells -- apparently the
first time such a feat has been accomplished.
Though too early to call it a cure, the procedure has enabled
the young people, who have Type I diabetes, to live insulin-free so
far, some as long as three years. The treatment involves stem cell
transplants from the patients' own blood.
"It's the first time in the history of Type 1 diabetes where
people have gone with no treatment whatsoever ... no medications at
all, with normal blood sugars," said study co-author Dr. Richard
Burt of Northwestern University's medical school in Chicago.
While the procedure can be potentially life-threatening, none of
the 15 patients in the study died or suffered lasting side effects.
But it didn't work for two of them.
Larger, more rigorous studies are needed to determine if stem
cell transplants could become standard treatment for people with
the disease once called juvenile diabetes. It is less common than
Type 2 diabetes, which is associated with obesity.
The hazards of stem cell transplantation also raise questions
about whether the study should have included children. One patient
was as young as 14.
Dr. Lainie Ross, a medical ethicist at the University of
Chicago, said the researchers should have studied adults first
before exposing young teens to the potential harms of stem cell
transplant, which include infertility and late-onset cancers.
In addition, Ross said that the study should have had a
comparison group to make sure the treatment was indeed better than
standard diabetes care.
Burt, who wrote the study protocol, said the research was done
in Brazil because U.S. doctors were not interested in the approach.
The study was approved by ethics committees in Brazil, he said,
adding that he personally believes it was appropriate to do the
research in children as well as adults, as long as the Brazilian
ethics panels approved.
Burt and other diabetes experts called the results an important
step forward.
"It's the threshold of a very promising time for the field,"
said Dr. Jay Skyler of the Diabetes Research Institute at the
University of Miami.
Skyler wrote an editorial in the Journal of the American Medical
Association, which published the study, saying the results are
likely to stimulate research that may lead to methods of preventing
or reversing Type I diabetes.
"These are exciting results. They look impressive," said Dr.
Gordon Weir of Joslin Diabetes Center in Boston.
Still, Weir cautioned that more studies are needed to make sure
the treatment works and is safe. "It's really too early to suggest
to people that this is a cure," he said.
The patients involved were ages 14 to 31 and newly diagnosed
with Type 1 diabetes. An estimated 12 million to 24 million people
worldwide -- including 1 to 2 million in the United States -- have
this form of diabetes, which is typically diagnosed in children or
young adults. An autoimmune disease, it occurs when the body
attacks insulin-producing cells in the pancreas.
Insulin is needed to regulate blood sugar levels, which when too
high, can lead to heart disease, blindness, nerve problems and
kidney damage.
Burt said the stem cell transplant is designed to stop the
body's immune attack on the pancreas.
A study published last year described a different kind of
experimental transplant, using pancreas cells from donated
cadavers, that enabled a few diabetics to give up insulin shots.
But that requires lifelong use of anti-rejection medicine, which
isn't needed by the Brazil patients since the stem cells were their
own.
The 15 diabetics were treated at a bone marrow center at the
University of Sao Paulo.
All were newly diagnosed, before their insulin-producing cells
had been destroyed.
That timing is key, Burt said. "If you wait too long," he
said, "you've exceeded the body's ability to repair itself."
The procedure involves stimulating the body to produce new stem
cells and harvesting them from a blood sample. Next comes several
days of high-dose chemotherapy, which virtually shuts down the
immune system and prevents the reintroduced cells from being fought
off by white blood cells. This requires hospitalization and potent
drugs to fend off infection. Then, the harvested stem cells are
injected back into the body where they can build a healthier immune
system.
Patients were hospitalized for about three weeks. Many had side
effects including nausea, vomiting and hair loss. One developed
pneumonia, the only severe complication.
Doctors changed the drug regimen after the treatment failed in
the first patient, who ended up needing more insulin than before
the study. Another patient also relapsed.
The remaining 13 "live a normal life without taking insulin,"
said study co-author Dr. Julio Voltarelli of the University of Sao
Paulo. "They all went back to their lives."
The patients enrolled in the study at different times so the
length of time they've been insulin-free also differs.
Burt has had some success using the same procedure in 170
patients with other autoimmune diseases, including lupus and
multiple sclerosis; one patient with an autoimmune form of
blindness can now see, Burt said.
"The body has tremendous potential to repair," he said.
The study was partly funded by the Brazilian Ministry of Health,
Genzyme Corp. and a maker of blood sugar monitoring products.

PHIRE THE PHILLIES
I recently received an email call-to-action from Dan, a family friend, Philadelphia native, sports fan, and reader of the Spoon, Full of Truth. It went something like this:

Can you start a new blog titled: “FIRE THE PHILLIES.” And dedicate it to making them move from Philadelphia. I don’t care where they go – Vegas, Portland, Tampa Bay (do they already have a team?), Mexico City. I don’t care. I just want them out of the City. Forever. 120 years of crap is enough. We don’t need anymore. Fire up the blog, my friend. I’ll do the heavy lifting of ranting about how bad they suck.

Far be it from me to deny my readers the content that they desire. Here goes. The Phillies suck. Every season they seem to tank the first two weeks and the last two weeks of the season. The rest of the year they are alright. They always seem to suck in the beginning (off to another stellar 2-7 start this year), play very well in August and early September, and then tank it just in time to lose the wild-card by a game or two. Enough is enough Phillies. You could have hired Jim Leyland when you fired Larry Bowa. But did you? No. You went out and got Charlie Manuel. There is more fire, passion, and inspiration in a Philly cheese-steak than there is in Charlie Manuel. The only thing this guy inspires fans and players alike to do is sleep. Instead of a number of the back of his jersey it should just say, “ZZZZZZ”. You went out and spent big bucks the year before moving into the big stadium to buy Jim Thome and Billy Wagner. Thome is now playing for the White Sox (although he’s still cashing your paychecks) and Wagner drove up 95 to NYC where he helped the Mets win the NL East last year. Way to spend. Let’s not even talk about David Bell. We would have been better off leaving 3^rd base open. Phillies, you are the exotic dancers of professional sports. You’re just going to tease us, get us all worked up, and then send us home discontented. Why can’t you be like the Yankees or Redsox and give us some World Series fulfillment? So you made the World Series in 1993, what have you done for me lately? That year was a fluke anyway. It was like in the movie “Major League” where the team purposefully put together a bunch of misfits (complete with our own Wild-thing) and by some fluke they produced. That was the biggest tease of all. My hopes and dreams went flying out the window faster than Joe Carter’s HR over the left-field wall. Philly has had enough of you Phillies. It’s time to pack your bags and move to some other city that appreciates losers (like Texas). We’re ready for a winner, and I’m just not sure if that’s something you are capable of giving us. So go ahead, tank it now and then make your late season run and miss the wildcard by two games. We’re ready for it. If unfulfilled dreams suddenly became the new currency we’d be the wealthiest city on earth. Sadly, there is less chance of that happening than of you actually winning the big one.

SHARING MEANS CARING

Friends and family members often ask for my help in sharing some of their recent accomplishments with my readers. So please take a minute or two and enjoy the following links.

*Public Service Message (staring my very own brother):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUice-PCbHc

*Great Music:
http://www.unlikelycowboy.com or http://www.myspace.com/unlikelycowboy

*Flowers For Any Occasion:
http://www.bloomdepot.com

*A Great Forum For The Discussion Of Ideas:
http://www.infodder.com

That should just about wrap it up for this week folks. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. I am off to Florida for a few days of relaxation and sunshine but will return next week with another Spoon, Full of Truth. Not only is the Spoon a great place for me to share the goings-on of friends, it makes a great gift for your friends and family! Don’t forget to share the Spoon with someone today. A Spoon, Full of Truth makes the monotony go down. Thanks for reading.

WHERE'S THE BEEF?

2007-04-06T15:48:00.000-05:00

MOTHER BREAKS THE (SPERM) BANK IN HIGH STEAKS GAME
U.S. women who eat a lot of beef while pregnant give birth to sons who grow up to have low sperm counts, researchers reported early last week. "In sons of 'high beef consumers' (more than seven beef meals/week), sperm concentration was 24.3 percent lower," the researchers (from University of Rochester Medical Center in New York) wrote in their report, published in the journal Human Reproduction. My mother didn’t like to let me play with any toy guns when I was a kid (aside from the Nintendo Duck-Hunt gun) but if she was “beefing-up” while I was in the womb it looks like she might have aided me in shooting a few blanks. As I’ve made no attempt to have children as of yet, I’m just going to hope she ate a lot of chicken. The researchers believe that pesticides, hormones, or contaminants in cattle feed may be to blame. These chemicals can build up in the fat of animals that eat contaminated feed or grass, and cattle were (and are) routinely given hormones to boost their growth. Listen up mothers (and mothers-to-be)...you want to become a grandmother someday? Then put down that burger or petite filet and pound a few extra chicken nuggets (nuggets may or may not contain chicken). It’s a high stakes game you are playing with your son’s reproductive future and those cow products. Where’s the Beef? If you’re pregnant, the answer should be, “In someone else’s stomach”.

FORGET THE BEEF, IT’S ALL THIS EXTRA SUNLIGHT THAT IS GIVING AMERICANS MORE GAS
In an alleged attempt to save energy, Congress moved up daylight-saving time by three weeks this year. Yet so far, the change appears to have backfired after Americans last month used record amounts of gasoline as they got out to enjoy the extra hour of sunshine. Average daily gasoline demand for the three weeks after the time change rose 2.8% from the same period a year ago and was the highest ever for the period, according to the Energy Department. Wow, you astound me Congress, nice move! Trying to save energy and instead winding up with the biggest energy consumption in history (for this three week period) is like leading your high-school’s abstinence campaign and then (a week later) getting your girlfriend pregnant with septuplets.
Coming this spring, from the creators of “Saddam has Weapons of Mass Destruction” and “Brownie: One Heckuva Job” comes “Daylight Saving Time: Fuck Your Global Warming Theory”. I think we can file this latest blunder under: Duh.
"Daylight-saving simply pushes us out of our houses," says Michael Downing, author of Spring Forward: The Annual Madness of Daylight Saving Time. Downing, a critic of daylight-saving time, argues that the extra hour of light at day's end leads people to drive to places (such as golf courses, parks and shopping malls) that they otherwise wouldn't. "We simply know that when Americans go to the mall, they don't walk," he says. Is this an actual attempt by Congress to conserve energy or is it a brilliant scheme concocted by the market researchers for Big Oil? What’s next, will they privatize the extra hour of sunlight and award it (in a no-bid contract) to Halliburton? I like the extra hour of sunlight but not more than I like protecting the environment. I say in the fall, we set the clocks back three weeks early.

PENTAGON HAS FIVE SIDES, CHENEY ONLY TAKES ONE
Vice President Dick Cheney repeated his assertions of al-Qaeda links to Saddam Hussein led Iraq on Thursday as the Defense Department released a report citing more evidence that the prewar government did not cooperate with the terrorist group.
Cheney contends that al-Qaeda was operating in Iraq before the March 2003 invasion led by U.S. forces and that terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was leading the Iraqi branch of al-Qaeda. Other members in al-Qaeda planned the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks.
"He took up residence there before we ever launched into Iraq, organized the al-Qaeda operations inside Iraq before we even arrived on the scene and then, of course, led the charge for Iraq until we killed him last June," Cheney told radio host Rush Limbaugh during an interview. "As I say, they were present before we invaded Iraq."
However, a declassified Pentagon report released yesterday stated that interrogations of the deposed Iraqi leader (Hussein) and two of his former aides as well as seized Iraqi documents confirmed that the terrorist organization and the Saddam government were not working together before the invasion. Any comments Cheney makes are already immediately suspect, let alone comments he makes on a show (like Rush Limbaugh) that caters to right-wing idiots. How are we to believe anything that this walking heart-attack has to say (damn those doctors who discovered the blood clot last month, they should have let Cheney die)? The fact of the matter is, if Hussein had something to do with 9/11, prove it (I suspect Dubya and Cheney had more to do with 9/11 than Saddam). Like Barry Bonds in baseball, you can suspect he took steroids all you want but no one can (or should) take action against him until it is proven. Hearsay is not proof Dick. If it was, you’d be convicted for shooting your hunting buddy in the face. Just because your name is Dick, it doesn’t give you the right to keep fucking everyone. If there’s a hell, Dick Cheney is on the VIP guest list.

EVERYBODY’S WORKIN FOR THE WEEKEND
Only a few minutes left before the end of the work week. I hope everyone enjoyed this little pre-weekend offering of truth before kicking back and relaxing for the next 48 hours. I’d like to take a quick moment to wish a very happy birthday to my cousin Kevin. He and his wife Hilary took us out for a wonderful dinner last night to celebrate and it made me realize (yet again) how much I miss seeing them. You guys are definitely in my Fave-5. Thanks again for reading (and sharing this site) and check back soon to get another Spoon, Full of Truth!