A heavy dose of truth, humor, and political activism.

Location: Phila, Pennsylvania, United States

Friday, December 09, 2005


I AM NOW OFFICIALLY THE BLOG INTELLIGENT PEOPLE LOVE THE MOST (I CALLED IT) In the game of dibs I will now refer to as Officiality (hey if Dubya gets to make up words, I do too), being the way in which products are now marketed together in ridiculous fashion, I just scored a big one. That's right folks, if you're smart, you'll read my blog. It's official. I mean, the VW Toreug is "An official member of the King Kong crew". And what does that mean exactly? That if I like the movie King Kong i should authorize its' crew to pick my next $20,000 purchase? Coors claimed to be "The official beer of guy's night out." Why's it official? Cause you said so? Cause Coors called it? In that case not only is this the official blog of intelligent people but also the official blog the holiday season. MERRY CHRISTMAS? WELL FUCK YOU TOO This holiday shit is out of hand. I saw Bill O'Reilly (the official news source of brain cancer) on TV the other night. He claimed that no one should be offended by the greeting of "Merry Christmas". In the same breath, he then stated that the phrase "Happy Holidays" is very offensive to christians. Let me start off by saying FUCK YOU Bill O'reilly. There are many different holidays people celebrate this time of year. Now maybe to a non-christian like myself it's hard to understand the true spirit of christmas. As I understand it, christmas was supposed to be the day jesus was born. If I silly enough to think that jesus was god, I'd wanna celebrate too. Somehow that got turned into: "let's invent a big fat fuck in a red suit to bring presents to people that are really given by friends and family members who have to empty their wallets once a year to make people feel loved" day. Oh and while we're at it, let's all get big-ass trees and burn our houses down when the eighteen strands of lights from the dollar store that we plugged into one outlet surprisingly fail. My point is this, no one should be offended by the statement happy holidays. Unless everyone wants to start wearing a big sign on their head that states exactly what occasion they are celebrating this time of year (which is almost as bad an idea as voting for Bush) then the Happy Holidays say it best. I don't think all the holidays should have to melt together into one. Christians should have their trees and their Santa. Jews should have their dreidals and menorahs. Kwanza should be all about Kwanza (showing that i probably know as much about Kwanza as you do). When it comes to a holiday greeting however, happy holidays includes everyone. WHEN IS IT MY TURN TO CELEBRATE? For the last 4 seasons the Philadelphia Eagles have made it to the NFC Championship game, with a superbowl appearance last year. This year, we have been officially eliminated from the playoffs before they even begin. I've been a Philly sports fan my entire life. If you cut me, I bleed Philadelphia spirit. However, it's taking quite a toll on me and the rest of this forsaken city. Philadelphia NEEDS a major sports title. The days of wanting one are over. A superbowl would be first on my list. The world series would be nice too. Sure I'd take a stanley cup. I'd even settle for an NBA title. This city is so in need of a title that not so long ago we rallied around a fucking horse named Smarty Jones who just happened to be trained in this area and was going for the triple crown. He of course, in fine Philadelphia fashion, lost. There is still a billboard on the side of I-95 that reads: We believe in Smarty Jones. Yeah, and i still believe the Earth is flat. YOU'LL HAVE DEMOCRACY WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! The good old U.S. Government has brought "democracy" to Iraq. Now let me get this straight, when you purposefully lie to your own people, start an unjust war, over-thrown the leader of another country, occupy said country, and FORCE it's people to adopt the form of government you want them to have...is that really democracy? NO I'M NOT AMERICAN, I'M CANADIAN, EH. I recently took a trip to Italy. Not just any trip but my honeymoon with my beautiful Canadian wife. I got us Canadian-flag luggage tags for our backpacks so that we wouldn't have to bear the brunt of the anti-american world view that Dubya has been so kind as to perpetuate. People in other countries hate Americans now. They see us as piggish, think-headed, gung-ho cowboys. You know what? They are right. The majority of people in the U.S. are idiots. Anyone who buys into this Iraq war, or even the war on terror fits right into that category. George Bush allowed 9/11 to happen so he would have an excuse to start a war that would make him and his friends even more wealthy. I wouldn't be surprised if Bush actually aided in making the 9/11 attacks happen. So for us few smart-minded individuals left in the U.S. (mostly in civilized pockets known as blue states) we're just gonna have to deal with the world hating us for a while, and stock up on our Canadian flag luggage tags. As a side note here gentlemen, i strongly suggest taking a Canadian wife. Philly makes good cheesesteaks, Georgia grows good peaches, Texas spawns gigantic assholes, and Canadians make excellent wives! SHARE THIS BLOG If you're wondering what you can do this holiday season to spread a little love around, share this blog with those you know and love. Even share it with people you hate. The point is, share it. The more people who read this the happier I'll be. Making me happy is really what the holidays should be all about. Thanks.


Anonymous The Wife said...

You make me laugh this much at home and so I am thrilled that you are sharing your sarcastic wit and world views with others. you should be writing every day!

December 15, 2005 2:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

George Bush allowed 9/11 to happen? I haven't seen any evidence that he did anything more to allow it to happen than Clinton or H.W. Bush. Presuming he knew that it was going to happen beforehand gives him way too much credit. I mean even after it happened he was probably like "he dick! what's this smoking building i see on my TV? did i authorize a tactical strike on new york?" while dick is busy picking out which oil company to have over for dinner and not paying attention "yeah george. whatever" he says. "oh okay dick. looks like we got a direct hit. finest military $2 trillion can buy . . . heh heh"

December 15, 2005 6:46 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home