MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DO
MONKEYING AROUND When I was 6 years old my parents took me to a pet store. We didn't really go there in search of a pet. I think it was just one of those things that happens when you drive a 6 year old past a pet store with a big-ass sign out front. You either take the kid inside as he requested, or bear the wrath of his screaming and crying the rest of the way home. In any event, this pet store was much cooler than any I have seen in my 21 years since. They didn't just have turtles, fish, hamsters, cats, and dogs like your run-of-the-mill pet store. They had monkeys. What 6 year old boy doesn't want his own monkey? To make matters worse, I was somewhat of a spoiled kid, so the monkey wasn't something I viewed as an outlandish request, but more of a right. I firmly laid down my insistence that my primate friend accompany me home at that exact moment. Request denied. My father, being a good sport, told me that when i was 13 years old, if I still wanted a monkey, he would buy me one. I BECOME A MAN Fast forward about 7 years. I was in daily preparation to become a man (at least in the eyes of my Jewish ancestors if no one else). Trying to learn a language I had no concept of, in hopes of being presented with lavish gifts, was anything but easy for me. Somewhere in the midst of this futile exercise, I decided to write out the entire Torah portion I was supposed to read into Heblish (the phonetic love child of Hebrew and English) and just memorize the fucking thing. About this same time I remembered my father's promise of a monkey. This was my first real taste of the cruel life lesson that goes something like this: a parent tells a child to do (or not do) something because the parent is wiser and already knows what the outcome will be. The child thinks the parent is unfair and idiotic and can't possibly know what they are talking about. The child gets older. The parent was right. Fuck. My dad's plan had worked to perfection. I was 13. I no longer wanted a monkey. DELA-WHERE? When most kids in Philadelphia say "I'm goin' down the shore" (that's the beach to a layperson) they are referring to the beaches in New Jersey. New Jersey sucks. All of it. The beaches, the people, the drivers, everything. Luckily for me, my experience with NJ beaches was limited. I once went to go visit my grandparents in Margate NJ during the summer months. I tried walking out onto the beach one day to go swimming and was stopped by a lifeguard who informed me I needed a "beach tag" to be permitted on the beach. These tags of course were not free. I wasn't about to spend my money in NJ. So fuck NJ and fuck it's beaches. Luckily for me, my parents owned a shore house in Delaware. The beaches are free and much more pristine, there is no sales tax, the boardwalks aren't overrun with white-trash teenagers (if you've never spent a summer evening in Wildwood, Ocean City, Atlantic City, or any of the other white-trash havens at the NJ shore...i strongly suggested adding it to your list of things to NEVER do), and the air smells nice. It's true you have to drive a little further from Philadelphia to get there, but man is it worth it. OK OK SO MAYBE I WAS A LITTLE HARD ON NEW JERSEY Any state that is home to a musical treasure like Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen has got to be good for something right? Ok so maybe all NJ is good for is Bruce Springsteen (i am open to arguments for Bon Jovi as well) but talk about doing one thing and doing it well. Bruce Springsteen is one of the greatest musical acts in the history of music. That's right folks. Fuck the beatles. Fuck bob dylan. Fuck pink floyd. Bruce Fucking Springsteen. If you've never been to see The Boss live in concert, get off your ass and make it happen. You know what? Never mind. Stay at home and listen to your crappy Coldplay albums, it'll leave more tickets for the rest of us. Unlike these phonies that charge 50$ for a concert only to play for 90 minutes, Bruce Springsteen never plays for less than 3 hours. I have seen him play in numerous venues in numerous states, and although i have seen hundreds (yes hundreds) of other concerts, there is no one else I would rather see. BORN IN THE U.S.A. , NOT TRYING TO STAY HERE I was born in the U.S.A. as were my parents, as were their parents. These days, i wish that weren't true. I wish I had been born somewhere exciting, somewhere where legions of idiots don't vote a Texas sized asshole to "lead" us; Amsterdam has a nice ring to it. I went to Amsterdam shortly after the 9/11 attacks. Afterall, there was no better (or cheaper) time to fly. Many of my friends who were supposed to come with me came down with a sudden case of "i'm a great big pussy who's afraid to fly just cause a few planes got blown up" and skipped the trip. Sucks to be them. Amsterdam is like Disney World for potheads. Americans wouldn't need a guy in a mouse suit and crazy rides with 3 hours lines if we were allowed to burn some top notch mary-j like the Dutch do. I think I was high my entire time there. Between the marvelous Buddha, the hash milkshakes, and the "space" cakes...There are limitless possibilities for intoxication. The city itself is gorgeous, and nothing brings out stunning landscapes, architecture, and priceless works of art like a good rip off a bong overflowing with tasty buds. WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT? Say smoking a little pot will mess up my short-term memory? Well all i have to say to that is: wait what did you say? THAT'S ALL FOR TODAY FOLKS You keep readin' em, i'll keep writin' em.