IF YOU DON'T READ THIS BLOG, YOU'RE ALREADY AN IDIOT (STORY AT 11)

CHEATS LIKE A FOX
Tomorrow, On May 15^th, Republican presidential hopefuls will take part in a debate in Columbia, SC. With the field still wide open, it is a daunting task to decide which of the ten presidential hopefuls should be asked to participate. Luckily for all of us, Fox News has us covered. State Party chairman Katon Dawson and a spokesman for Fox News (the official “news” station of George Bush and his goons) said Thursday that they had agreed on criteria, including polling numbers, for choosing which of the ten GOP candidates will take part in the May 15 debate.

"We understand there's not room for everybody on a nationwide political stage for a Republican debate," Dawson said.
Marty Ryan, executive producer of political programming for Fox News Channel, said the polling criteria would ensure "that serious candidates were taking part in our debate."
What does this mean? Fox News gets to decide which possible candidates they want to endorse. If Fox doesn’t like them, they aren’t going to make it on the air. So what are the criteria? Candidates must have "garnered at least 1 percent in recent state and national polls leading up to the registration deadline, as determined by Fox News Channel and the South Carolina Republican Party," according to Rob Godfrey, the state party's communications director. Let’s get this straight; as long as Fox News determines that a candidate has met the requirements that they themselves put in place, then they are good to go? That seems just and fair. In a variety of national and state polls, seven of the ten candidates hover around 1 percent or less. Only Rudy Giuliani, John McCain, and Mitt Romney easily meet the criteria based on polling. The standard has the potential to bar several candidates from the debate and anger the lesser-known GOP hopefuls. This all makes sense. Fox wants a republican to win the presidency. What better way to help that along then by removing the candidates that they see as weak from the field? Katon Dawson went on to say that the criteria was jointly developed so "we wouldn't have people who were just willing to pay a filing fee and think that they could show up and be on the stage. There are a lot of people who would like to be able to vent their special interests on a presidential stage. If you're not in the poll number and you haven't met the criteria, no, you won't be able to get on the stage," he said. God forbid someone who hasn’t met Fox’s criteria should be able to engage in a political debate. We wouldn’t just want anyone who wants to run for president to be able to do so; that would be Democracy or something. It might be good enough for the Iraqis but we’ll have none of it (it’s like fruitcake at Christmas time; a great gift to unload on someone else but not something you’d enjoy receiving yourself). The fact of the matter is, Fox News is a joke anyway. It isn’t news, it is Republican propaganda. They can spew their GOP rhetoric all they want but when they start becoming part of the political process, as they are in this debate, I think we should all stand up and take notice. It’s one thing to spin the news; it’s a whole new batch of trouble when Fox begins to shape it.

IF YOU AREN’T READING THIS POST RIGHT NOW, YOU MIGHT ALREADY BE DEAD!
While I am on the topic of Fox News, I’d like to take a minute to talk about their “news intros” (the little fifteen second teasers that air during the day to alert you to the evening’s breaking “can’t miss” news stories). While most stations have made an art form out of these intros, Fox has taken it to a whole new level. While these are spoofs of quotes from Fox News intros, they are pretty close to the real deal.
“Something you are doing right this very second could be killing you…story at 11.”
“The next shower you take could be your last…story at 11”
“Has our drinking water already been compromised by terrorists? A story you can’t afford to miss…three weeks from tonight, at 11”
"One simple exercise you do every morning could be making your penis smaller...story at 11"
"Do you like beer? Hear one local man tell you how imported lager made him gay....story at 11"
"Stocked up on duct tape? If not, the terrorists may have already won! ...story at 11."
Fox, you are out of control. It’s not enough to spin the news to align it with the GOP agenda, now you are in the business of scaring people into watching Fox News (hmmm, actually, that sounds EXACTLY like the GOP agenda). If a story was so serious that people who didn’t watch it were actually in harm’s way, would you really wait seven or more hours to air it? If you would, you are either completely reckless (like our cowboy President) or just plain stupid (once again like our idiot, cowboy president). If something I am doing right now might be putting me in harm’s way, then tell me about it RIGHT NOW. My theory is, we aren’t actually in danger. The real danger is WATCHING Fox and mistaking their stories as fact. They are currently in the process of building the largest building in center city, Philadelphia, Comcast Tower. The other day, while watching “The Simpson’s” in the afternoon I caught a Fox News teaser for their nightly news show. It went something like this, “Comcast Tower…a new target for terrorists? Not in our city! We will take you on an unprecedented look inside Philadelphia’s newest and tallest skyscraper to show you the cutting edge ‘anti-terror’ features that have been built directly into the building…”
Okay, let me get this straight…they bothered to create all of these anti-terror features to this building and now you’re going to show them to everyone with a television? Good thing for all of us that the first rule of terrorism is “thou shall not watch television”…right? Next, Fox should start a nightly segment where they reveal all of the security measures at local airports, stadiums, national monuments, and ports. We all know that the Republicans are anxiously awaiting the next attack on U.S. soil so they can use it to once again to make Democrats look weak, make citizens so scared that they look to the government for answers, and then can continue their “war on terror,” but that doesn’t mean unloading all of all safety measures on anyone with a television. They might as well call it “Terrorism for Dummies”. Terrorists, we here at Fox news realize that blowing shit up just isn’t as easy as it used to be and we are here for you. Be sure to turn in this, and every Saturday night when we present to you easy and cost effective ways of turning your next Jihad into one for the ages!
Fox News and its Republican scare tactics are only dangerous because so many American’s rely on television to bring the news into their homes. The good old days are over people. If you want real news, you have to seek it out on your own. It isn’t going to be delivered into your home on a daily basis like a glass jar of milk. You can’t believe everything your mommy and daddy told you and that goes double for what you see and hear on television and radio (and often times in print as well). It is a new era of news media. The evening news is no longer responsible for bringing us the truth; it is responsible for getting us to tune in so their advertisers will pay more money for commercials. How do they do that? It’s simple… blood, war, weather, and scare tactics. If it bleeds, it leads. You want weather? Open the window. If they only have 23 minutes to bring you the news and 8 of them are used for weather, doesn’t that tell you something? If people stopped watching Fox News (and many of the other network news shows) and instead took 30 minutes a day to seek out their own news, we would be a country that has many more informed citizens than we do now. Consider it a diet for your brain. Fox News is like the McDonald’s of television. Sure, it might taste good and be cheap but it’s clogging your arteries and adding extra pounds to those love-handles. You wouldn’t eat dinner that was mysteriously left on your doorstep every evening and you shouldn’t watch a nightly news show that scares you into watching it. I’ll make it easy…”Watching even one minute of a Fox News show could be damaging millions of brain cells…story in 2009, at 11.”

CHANCE OF SURVIVAL? (ARMY OF) ONE OUT OF A MILLION
I was watching TV last night when I saw a commercial for the army. “Go to Army.com for a list of the army's 150 career choices,” the announcer said at the end. I understand why people in the past would have joined the military; a lot of people don’t have many options when it comes to paying for college and have to join the reserves or the National Guard, other people had parents and grandparents who served in the military and wanted to keep the tradition going, some just had nothing else they could think of to do with their lives. But joining the army now? I don’t think so. 150 career choices? Something tells me there really aren’t 150 careers to choose from in the army right now; it’s probably closer to five choices. The following is a list of what I think those choices might be:

1. Iraqi Occupier. Bush declared the end of major combat quite a long time ago. Remember the big banner behind him when he made that announcement? It read, “Mission Accomplished”. If major fighting is over and we’re still there that means only one thing, occupation. Since you cannot win an occupation, we’re going to be there indefinitely! Sounds like a good career choice for someone looking for a job for the next 40 years.

2. Grave Filler. This job is kind of like the job of those people who fill seats at awards shows when the stars get up to use the bathroom. More U.S. soldiers have died in Iraq than died in 9/11. We are filling up coffins and graves with more soldiers every single day. At least this way the military pays for your funeral and I’m sure they’ll send your family all the benefits they have coming just like they make sure that they take great care of the wounded when they return to the U.S.

3. Advocate for Amputees. What better way to get inside the head of an amputee so that you know what they go through on a daily basis than to become one yourself? The army can put you on the fast track to losing that unwanted arm or leg. Body armor is for pussies; everyone knows that. You’re a tough guy; a little road-side bomb never stopped you. Once you spend a few months battling the infection you got in Walter Reed Medical Center you’ll be able to start your new job as an advocate for amputees. Soldiers wanting to enter this career track are asked to not watch “Born on The 4^th of July” before registering. Lose a leg, gain a career, in the Army.

4. Professional Scapegoat. We all know that Bush and Cheney aren’t going to take responsibility for the mess in the Middle East so why not step up and take the bullet for them? That’s right, join the army and in just a few short weeks you could be the President’s personal scapegoat! Imagine getting to go in front of every major news network in the world and taking responsibility for the whole Iraqi war! If it’s your dream to take one for the team then the army has you covered. This is the fast track to a presidential pardon. You’re going places.

5. Closet homosexual. Looking for a career that keeps your homosexual tendencies under wraps? If so, the army is looking for you! The best part is, no one is going to ask as long as you don’t tell. Keep your church-going friends and family happy by showing them that you’re man enough to pick up a gun and fight for your country. Think of the army as a big closet that just happens to be filled with sand and suicide bombers. Besides, those uniforms really bring out the color in your eyes.

EARLY DEATH AHEAD, PLEASE EXIT ON LEFT HAND SIDE
A recent study suggests that women who are left-handed have a higher risk of dying, particularly from cancer and cerebrovascular disease (damage to an artery in the brain or an artery that supplies blood to the brain). Sorry Dubya, this doesn't mean that women associated with the political left (like Nancy Pelosi) will be dropping dead any time soon. While it could be a chance finding and the evidence is far from conclusive, numerous reports have associated left-handedness with various disorders and shorter life span, Dutch researchers note in their report in the journal Epidemiology. For any of you men out there who are dating a left handed girl, I say just break it off now. Save yourself the trouble of heartache later in life when your south-paw drops dead prematurely. Thankfully, there is no data to show that left handed women could spread pre-mature death to men through physical contact. When left-handed women were compared with the other women (and the data was adjusted for a number of potentially confounding factors) lefties had a 40 percent higher risk of dying from any cause, a 70 percent higher risk of dying from cancer, and a 30 percent higher risk of dying from diseases of the circulatory system. Left-handed women also had a 2-fold increased risk of dying from breast cancer, close to a 5-fold increased risk of dying from colorectal cancer, and more than a 3-fold higher risk of cerebrovascular mortality. It has been hypothesized that left-handedness is the result of an insult suffered during prenatal life, which ultimately leads to the early death. Wow, if my daughter is born left handed I’m just going to write her off and move on to the next kid. On second thought, it probably has nothing to do with prenatal life. I bet all of those special scissors that they make for left-handed people are just dyed with lead-based paint or something. Left handed men on the other hand (no pun intended) go onto all sorts of successful careers. Every team in major league baseball is in need of another dominating left hander for their bullpen or starting rotation. I think they key is, if you have a left handed daughter, start working on her fast ball from the time she can throw. She might not live to the ripe old age of 90, but she might be able to get her splitter into the low eighties.

LET’S GET PERSONAL
I would like to apologize for my lack of posts recently and assure you all that the frequency of my writing will increase in the coming weeks. I have a lot of things going on right now in my personal life which have made it difficult to spend the time required to bring you top-notch quality posts on a more consistent basis. I appreciate you sticking with me and I hope you have enjoyed today’s offering.

On another quick note I would like to wish recently happy birthday’s to my brother Joshua, my uncle Michael.

For those of you in Philadelphia, make sure to get out and vote tomorrow. You can’t complain if you don’t vote for change.

Check out the new reviews posted in the review section including Shrek 3 (which comes out Friday)

That’s all I have for today folks, check back soon to get more truth, right from the Spoon!