SPOON, FULL OF TRUTH

A heavy dose of truth, humor, and political activism.

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Location: Phila, Pennsylvania, United States

Friday, April 06, 2007

WHERE'S THE BEEF?

MOTHER BREAKS THE (SPERM) BANK IN HIGH STEAKS GAME
U.S. women who eat a lot of beef while pregnant give birth to sons who grow up to have low sperm counts, researchers reported early last week. "In sons of 'high beef consumers' (more than seven beef meals/week), sperm concentration was 24.3 percent lower," the researchers (from University of Rochester Medical Center in New York) wrote in their report, published in the journal Human Reproduction. My mother didn’t like to let me play with any toy guns when I was a kid (aside from the Nintendo Duck-Hunt gun) but if she was “beefing-up” while I was in the womb it looks like she might have aided me in shooting a few blanks. As I’ve made no attempt to have children as of yet, I’m just going to hope she ate a lot of chicken. The researchers believe that pesticides, hormones, or contaminants in cattle feed may be to blame. These chemicals can build up in the fat of animals that eat contaminated feed or grass, and cattle were (and are) routinely given hormones to boost their growth. Listen up mothers (and mothers-to-be)...you want to become a grandmother someday? Then put down that burger or petite filet and pound a few extra chicken nuggets (nuggets may or may not contain chicken). It’s a high stakes game you are playing with your son’s reproductive future and those cow products. Where’s the Beef? If you’re pregnant, the answer should be, “In someone else’s stomach”.

FORGET THE BEEF, IT’S ALL THIS EXTRA SUNLIGHT THAT IS GIVING AMERICANS MORE GAS
In an alleged attempt to save energy, Congress moved up daylight-saving time by three weeks this year. Yet so far, the change appears to have backfired after Americans last month used record amounts of gasoline as they got out to enjoy the extra hour of sunshine. Average daily gasoline demand for the three weeks after the time change rose 2.8% from the same period a year ago and was the highest ever for the period, according to the Energy Department. Wow, you astound me Congress, nice move! Trying to save energy and instead winding up with the biggest energy consumption in history (for this three week period) is like leading your high-school’s abstinence campaign and then (a week later) getting your girlfriend pregnant with septuplets.
Coming this spring, from the creators of “Saddam has Weapons of Mass Destruction” and “Brownie: One Heckuva Job” comes “Daylight Saving Time: Fuck Your Global Warming Theory”. I think we can file this latest blunder under: Duh.
"Daylight-saving simply pushes us out of our houses," says Michael Downing, author of Spring Forward: The Annual Madness of Daylight Saving Time. Downing, a critic of daylight-saving time, argues that the extra hour of light at day's end leads people to drive to places (such as golf courses, parks and shopping malls) that they otherwise wouldn't. "We simply know that when Americans go to the mall, they don't walk," he says. Is this an actual attempt by Congress to conserve energy or is it a brilliant scheme concocted by the market researchers for Big Oil? What’s next, will they privatize the extra hour of sunlight and award it (in a no-bid contract) to Halliburton? I like the extra hour of sunlight but not more than I like protecting the environment. I say in the fall, we set the clocks back three weeks early.

PENTAGON HAS FIVE SIDES, CHENEY ONLY TAKES ONE
Vice President Dick Cheney repeated his assertions of al-Qaeda links to Saddam Hussein led Iraq on Thursday as the Defense Department released a report citing more evidence that the prewar government did not cooperate with the terrorist group.
Cheney contends that al-Qaeda was operating in Iraq before the March 2003 invasion led by U.S. forces and that terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was leading the Iraqi branch of al-Qaeda. Other members in al-Qaeda planned the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks.
"He took up residence there before we ever launched into Iraq, organized the al-Qaeda operations inside Iraq before we even arrived on the scene and then, of course, led the charge for Iraq until we killed him last June," Cheney told radio host Rush Limbaugh during an interview. "As I say, they were present before we invaded Iraq."
However, a declassified Pentagon report released yesterday stated that interrogations of the deposed Iraqi leader (Hussein) and two of his former aides as well as seized Iraqi documents confirmed that the terrorist organization and the Saddam government were not working together before the invasion. Any comments Cheney makes are already immediately suspect, let alone comments he makes on a show (like Rush Limbaugh) that caters to right-wing idiots. How are we to believe anything that this walking heart-attack has to say (damn those doctors who discovered the blood clot last month, they should have let Cheney die)? The fact of the matter is, if Hussein had something to do with 9/11, prove it (I suspect Dubya and Cheney had more to do with 9/11 than Saddam). Like Barry Bonds in baseball, you can suspect he took steroids all you want but no one can (or should) take action against him until it is proven. Hearsay is not proof Dick. If it was, you’d be convicted for shooting your hunting buddy in the face. Just because your name is Dick, it doesn’t give you the right to keep fucking everyone. If there’s a hell, Dick Cheney is on the VIP guest list.

EVERYBODY’S WORKIN FOR THE WEEKEND
Only a few minutes left before the end of the work week. I hope everyone enjoyed this little pre-weekend offering of truth before kicking back and relaxing for the next 48 hours. I’d like to take a quick moment to wish a very happy birthday to my cousin Kevin. He and his wife Hilary took us out for a wonderful dinner last night to celebrate and it made me realize (yet again) how much I miss seeing them. You guys are definitely in my Fave-5. Thanks again for reading (and sharing this site) and check back soon to get another Spoon, Full of Truth!

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seriously Spoon, when are you going to start doing Stand-Up comedy! The world needs more Spoon!! Get on it!

April 06, 2007 4:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great lead-in to the weekend my friend! Like yourself, I hope my momma didn't eat too much Cow and I hope Cheney kicks the bucket sooner rather than later. What an asshole. Have a great weekend!

April 06, 2007 4:37 PM  
Anonymous Cousin H said...

More than SEVEN meals of meat per week? So we're talking dinner every day PLUS lunch or breakfast beef? WOW! That's a meat-packin' Mama....if you know what I mean.

Back at you David - you're in our top 5 as well.

April 06, 2007 9:21 PM  
Blogger Tchochke said...

I miss Kevin, and Passover dinner at your Aunt's house. I always think of your family this time of year.

April 07, 2007 3:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great stuff this week Spoon. I really hope this site catches on big-time. I'd love to see you getting big time pub.

K

April 07, 2007 3:33 PM  
Anonymous The Nance said...

I guess I never told you -- I had such bad morning sickness during the first four months of my pregnancy that I couldn't keep down much of anything. The only food I craved and that didn't make me sick was steak sandwiches at a local food joint in Concord, New Hampshire. Go figure.

If this were April 1st, I'll tell you I ate those big fat steak sandwiches twice a day -- but then I'd be lying.

April 08, 2007 12:18 PM  

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