A heavy dose of truth, humor, and political activism.

Location: Phila, Pennsylvania, United States

Thursday, December 14, 2006


I am the world’s worst gift wrapper. As I spent almost an hour trying to wrap presents Tuesday night (ripping the paper, losing the tape, cutting the wrong size piece and not realizing it until the final fold) I started to wish there was just a product you could spray onto the gift that would form a dry coating that and then could be peeled off. This would make my life much easier. While this technology might not be available for Christmas gifts, it will soon be ready for penises. Unlike with holiday presents, wrapping up your penis can prevent the transfer of unwanted gifts (babies, HIV, and the gift that keeps on giving, herpes). By 2008 a German company will begin selling the world’s first spray on condom. The idea is simple, you stick your penis into the little device and it sprays on a condom layer that fits perfectly. How durable will this protection layer be? How long will it last? How do you remove it? All good questions. None of this information is available, yet. It also isn’t clear how small the device will be. Personally, I’m not sure how I feel about sticking my penis into a device that’s going to spray some coating onto it. I know there are some guys out there who would stick their penis into just about anything (or sadly, anyone) but I feel like I have to take a stand here. Being a married man I don’t have much use for condoms anyway, maybe I would feel differently if I did. This device seems like it would offer a much more snuggly fitting condom and as our male friends in India can attest to, when it comes to condoms, one size does not fit all.

A recent survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men. This study went further than just polling a group of men about their penis size. Scientists, always willing to go the extra step, broke out the rulers on this one. Volunteers (about 1200) had their penises measured precisely, down to the last millimeter. The scientists even checked to make sure that their sample was representative of India as a whole (in terms of class, religion and urban and rural dwellers). The results? About 60% of Indian men have penises which are between three and five centimeters shorter than international standards used in condom manufacture. Ring, ring! India the phone’s for you, Asia is calling, they want their stereotype back. India already has the highest number of HIV infections (of any nation) and the oversized condoms either fall off or tear a staggering one out of five times. This has led doctors to call for the production of custom made condoms, in several different sizes. Many men would be too anxious to enter a store and request a smaller sized condom. It seems like India might be the perfect fit for the new spray-on rubber.

“Nothing is more important to us than the health of our customers” –A Taco Bell official on the handling of the recent E. Coli outbreak at their chain of fast-food restaurants. Offering a one pound burrito for 99 cents just screams health doesn’t it? And all that grade-F beef, cheese, and sour cream must be good for you, right? If nothing is more important to Taco Bell than the health of their customers, I’d hate to see how they treat things that aren’t priorities. E. Coli? No thanks. Make a run for the burger.

Just when it looked like the Democrats were going to take control of the Senate next month, Democratic Sen. Tim Johnson (SD) remains in critical condition today after late-night brain surgery. Senator Johnson became disoriented during a call with reporters Wednesday night, stuttering in response to a question. He was hospitalized and underwent brain surgery for stroke-like symptoms (or as the GOP is most likely calling it, stroke-of-good-luck symptoms). Aside from the obvious health concerns for Senator Johnson, there is a much greater concern. If he were forced to relinquish his seat, a replacement would be named by South Dakota's GOP Gov. Mike Rounds. South Dakota Secretary of State Chris Nelson said there were no special restrictions on an appointment by the governor and a replacement would not have to be from the same political party. That would swing the balance of power to 50-50 (the Democrats now hold a 51-49 lead) and allow the GOP to retain senate control. This doesn’t sit right with me. You would think that the governor would either have to name a replacement from the same party or that a new election would be held. I’m not sure why neither of those options would be used. This will be a very interesting situation to keep our eyes on in the coming days and weeks. My suggestion? If you live in a state with a Republican senator and a Democratic governor (like my home state of PA) mail your senator some Taco Bell gift certificates. Who knows, he could get hungry, wolf down some green onions, and within no time your governor could be appointing a Democrat to replace him. If Senator Johnson takes a turn for the worse (and let’s all pray that doesn’t happen) and the GOP does retain control of the Senate, we all might have to literally make a run for the border (hooray Canada).

We spend Christmas in Canada with my in-laws. It’s a wonderful way to spend the holiday. They really go all out for old Saint Nick. There’s a beautiful tree, Christmas morning mimosas, and stockings so big that they stand two feet off the ground and still overflow with goodies. Because it doesn’t make much sense for the wife and me to schlep all of our gifts (for each other) all the way to Canada, just to unwrap them and bring them home, we decided to unwrap them all here for Hanukkah. This way, not only do I get to experience the joy of Christmas (commercial Christmas anyway) but Julia gets to experience the eight nights of Hanukkah. It’s the best of both worlds, eight nights of presents followed by a pile of gifts on the 25th. It also means that we can start unwrapping the pile of gifts under our tree tomorrow night (yes we have both a Christmas tree and a Menorah)! The last few years we’ve combined the celebration into Christmukkah. This year, we’ll get to celebrate them both separately, Hanukkah here with my family, and Christmas in Canada with hers. No matter what holiday you’re celebrating this season, I hope it’s wonderful and filled with joy. Happy holidays! If you're in need of some gift ideas for that creative person in your life, check out: www.mycmsite.com/juliajmiller


That’s all the truth I think you can handle for today. I know you’re thinking that you’re ready for more but who really knows what’s best for you, you or me? I would like to thank everyone for all of the well wishes and kudos on the anniversary of the Spoon. It wouldn’t have made it this far without you, and it couldn’t continue to grow and flourish without all of you readers and your willingness to share this site with others. I thank you.
Check back soon, to get more truth, straight from the Spoon!


Anonymous Tim J. said...

Spray on condoms? I guess as long as they've been tested by someone else I'd give them a whirl.
You're a funny dude.

December 14, 2006 10:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You say we are about to have spray on condoms . What's next penis graffiti ? I can hardly wait.

Happy holidays everyone !Spoonfull, I am looking forward to more truthiness from you in 2007.

December 14, 2006 1:29 PM  

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