A heavy dose of truth, humor, and political activism.

Location: Phila, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, November 21, 2006



O.J. Simpson was coming out with a new book (and subsequent TV interview) to discuss, hypothetically, how he could have killed his ex-wife Nicole and her friend Ron Goldman (if he were indeed the murderer). Judith Regan, whose ReganBooks imprint was set to publish the book, refused to say what Simpson was being paid for the book but did say that he came to her with the idea.
"This is an historic case, and I consider this his confession," Regan told The Associated Press. Late yesterday, the book deal (and appearance on Fox) was canceled.
The idea behind O.J.’s book could start a wild trend of celebrities writing “If I had…” books. Here are a few examples:

George Bush "If I did hate black people"
I don’t hate black people. But if I did…I’d probably leave them sitting on roof tops in New Orleans (and surrounding areas) for days at a time, without organizing a proper relief effort, after major storms ravaged the area. Then, afterwards, I would offer no real assistance to the people who were displaced by all the storm damage (unless they were white). Yeah, that’s what I’d do IF I hated black people.

Mel Gibson "If I really did hate Jews"
I don’t hate Jews. If I did…I would make a whole bunch of anti-Semitic remarks to police officers while in a drunken stupor. I’d also make films about Jesus that basically call Jews the anti-Christ and blame them for the death of my savior. Good thing I like Jews or I’d have done all of that stuff.

Barry Bonds "If I did actually take steroids"
I don’t take steroids. If I did…my head would have grown much bigger than normal. I also would have set a record number of homeruns in a season and probably would eventually break Hank Aaron’s record thanks to my escalated numbers. I’d have close personal friends connected to steroids who would go to prison to protect me. I’d have all sorts of physical problems. Wow, it would be pretty obvious IF I did take steroids.

Rep. Charles Rangel, D-N.Y, the incoming chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, is set to propose a new bill next year to reinstitute the U.S. military draft. He says it is all in the name of fairness. "There's no question in my mind that this president and this administration would never have invaded Iraq, especially on the flimsy evidence that was presented to the Congress, if indeed we had a draft and members of Congress and the administration thought that their kids from their communities would be placed in harm's way," Rangel said. As it stands now, the military is volunteer-only and is compromised mostly of minorities and low-income earners. "I don't see how anyone can support the war and not support the draft," said Rangel. In 2005, Donald Rumsfeld was quoted as saying to Congress “There isn’t a chance in the world that the draft will be brought back”. This is exactly what Rangel is saying. The Bush administration has been pushing for more troops all along. So why would they be opposed to a draft? They wouldn’t want to risk middle-upper class white kids being sent to war. War to the republicans is a business. Like all of their other business endeavors, they want to exploit minorities and the poor. The draft, although I am opposed to it for other reasons, might actually deter the GOP from starting new wars, and dragging old wars out. If Dubya actually thought that one of the Bush twins might have to suit up and face some road-side bombs in Baghdad, he’d change his tune in a hurry. While I dislike the draft because I still don’t agree with how, where, and when our military is used, and would not want to be drafted, I do see the benefits of what Charles Rangel has to say. It’s an interesting debate in these uncertain times.

A friend of mine was visiting this weekend and during a discussion about pot smoking told me he couldn’t remember the last time he’d smoked out of a gravity bong (a home-made device that allows maximum concentration of THC from a small amount of marijuana). My response? “If you can’t remember the last time, it was either way too long ago, or entirely too recently”.

What a sports-nightmare of a day I had Sunday. The Eagles not only lost 31-10 to the Titans but also lost Donovan McNabb for the season (and possibly part of next season). My beloved Villanova Wildcats logged their first loss of the season to Xavier at the Paradise Jam basketball tournament. My main fantasy football team (with McNabb as QB) lost to the worst team in the league, dropping me out of position for a play-off bye. My star TE/WR also suffered an injury. My other three fantasy football teams all lost. I played two games of Risk (a board-game) with several friends and lost both of them. The Phillies lost the Alphonso Soriano sweepstakes to the Cubs. Ryan Howard did win the NL MVP award Monday, but let’s just call that too little, too late. Ouch.

Thanksgiving is this Thursday. I always like this week because it means getting to see friends and family who are in town. It also means an extra long weekend and good food and, thanks to NFL Network adding an additional game, three football games to watch (as well as John Madden’s annual 90 minute rambling tirade about Turducken). Because of the extra time off, Thanksgiving is a great time to travel. I have used this week to take trips to London (1999), Amsterdam (2001), and Italy (2005 for my honeymoon). This year, we’ll be sticking around Philadelphia, and I’m really looking forward to spending the time visiting with friends and family, relaxing, and eating entirely too much food.

I think Sony should come out with a game for Playstation 2 in which your mission is to get a Playstation 3 gaming system before Christmas. You could drive around in holiday traffic from store to store trying to beat out everyone else who’s on the same mission. Much like real life you could shoot people waiting in line, or wait until they buy one and then attack them in the parking lot. People play video games to experience things that they can’t experience in real life. For many gamers, that includes getting a PS3 for Christmas this year. Rather than actually try to get one, they should just sit at home and play a game where they try to get one. Why really shoot someone for a PS3 when you can stay at home and pretend to do it? This would probably also up sales for PS2 as the game would be a hot seller.

A new Pentagon review of Iraq (released yesterday) has come up with three options: injecting more troops into Iraq, shrinking the force but staying longer, or pulling out, The Washington Post reported on Monday. The newspaper quoted senior defense officials as dubbing the three alternatives "Go big, go long, and go home." Doesn’t this sound like a guy talking to his boy about some chick he’s sleeping with?
“Yo Homie, I’ve been knockin’ boots with this chick Iraq, I think she’s Middle Eastern or some shit. I can’t decide how I feel about her. Part of me wants to inject the bitch with more of my little troops, settle down and be with her until the end. Part of me just kind of wants to keep kickin’ it, but leave my options open and see what happens. Then there’s the part of me that just wants to fuck her but you know I’ll pull out before I get the bitch pregnant!”
The United States has clearly already stuck its’ dick in Iraq, now it’s just a question of whether we pull out before we knock her up and get stuck paying for it the rest of our lives.

Why take a memory-card full of photos this year just to have them sit on a computer somewhere taking up space or in a photo album on your bookcase that no one ever looks at? Why not make a fabulous scrapbook and not only save your memories forever but also encourage your creative side? Scrapbooking is like the Playstation 3 of crafts; everyone is going to want one. Why not do it before your friends and family beat you to the punch? Be a trend-setter! As it just so happens, my wife sells everything you need to make a scrapbook that people will be envious of. You can find everything you need to get started right here: www.mycmsite.com/juliajmiller. Your photos can thank me later.

That’s right folks, with the three day work week this week (sorry to those of you that actually have to work on Friday) Tuesday is officially Hump Day this week. Here’s to getting over the hump (raise your glass). I hope everyone has a wonderful turkey day and an extra long weekend. Try to avoid the malls on black Friday and try not to over-do it with the stuffing and pumpkin pie. See you all next week for another edition of the Spoon. Spoon, Full of Truth: America’s #1 exporter of truth.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like you had a rough sports weekend. I think that game for PS2 sounds awesome, if they ever come out with it, and I don't have to stand in line for a copy, I will totally buy it. Happy Thanksgiving!

November 21, 2006 12:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love your spin-off ideas for OJ-like books! Classic!
I'm also torn on the whole DRAFT debate. I can see how the draft could serve a fairness function but I'm sure the powers-that-be would find a way to fix the draft anyway.
It's nice that you support your wife's business on your site. I'm not sure if most husbands would do that.
Happy Thanksgiving Spoon! I'm thankful for your blog. I'd be lost without it.

November 21, 2006 1:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone ! Who would have thought that our plan for Iraq would sound like the title of a porn movie. How prophetic. Bush and Dick as the stars of their own pornographic foreign policy.Keep spreading the truth.

November 21, 2006 1:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In keeping with your theme, how about Dick Cheney- If I had a wife who wrote pornographic novels, I would fight fiercely for the appointment of "liberal" judges to keep the 1st Amendment strong; and if I had a daughter who was a lesbian I would fight tooth and nail for her to have the right to marry and enjoy the other rights and privileges extended to hetrosexuals. However, I don't have a wife who writes that kind of sick shit and my daughter Mary will soon be fixed.

November 21, 2006 3:24 PM  

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