PAGING MR. FOLEY

FALL FOLIAGE SEASON BRINGS FOLEY(under)AGE SCANDAL
Rep. Mark Foley, of Florida, resigned his House seat last week after e-mails and reports of lurid instant messages to teenage boys in the House page-program were exposed. He then checked into an alcohol rehabilitation center. The ensuing uproar has enveloped Republicans who are already at risk of losing control of Congress in upcoming November elections. House Speaker Dennis Hastert's political support showed signs of cracking on Wednesday as Republicans fled an election-year scandal. Foley's former chief of staff said (in an Associated Press interview) that he first warned Hastert's aides more than three years ago that Foley's behavior toward pages was troublesome. That was long before GOP leaders acknowledged learning of the problem. Kirk Fordham, Foley's top aide until January 2004, said he had "more than one conversation with senior staff at the highest level of the House of Representatives asking them to intervene" several years ago. Of course Hastert (through his staff) has denied this. Hastert told the Chicago Tribune on Wednesday night that he has no thoughts of resigning. He blamed ABC News, which broke the Foley e-mail story, and Democratic operatives for the mushrooming scandal. Isn’t this just like the GOP? He’s blaming a news network for breaking the story? That’s what our country has come to under this leadership. The GOP is involved in scandal after scandal and always point the finger of blame elsewhere. This is not the first time they have blamed the media for breaking a story. The media is supposed to break stories about government. Not report the news for the government or protect the government (Fox News). Not wanting to be left out of the festivities, the Justice Department ordered House officials to "preserve all records" related to Foley's electronic correspondence with teenagers, and one law enforcement official said FBI agents have begun interviewing participants in the House page program. Foley, a member of the GOP, admits to being gay (through his lawyer), enters alcohol treatment, and allegedly engaged in sexual communications with underage boys that came to light just weeks before the election? Thank you Santa, I must be on the good-list this year. With Speaker Hastert falling under increasing pressure to resign (both from Democrats and GOP members) who would step in to try to spin this into a positive light for the Republicans? What’s that? Up in the sky! Stronger tunnel-vision than a locomotive, runs his mouth faster than speeding bullet, it’s absurd, it’s a shame…it’s Bill O’Reilly! On Wednesday’s O’Reilly Factor (On the always reliable Fox News Network) during three separate cut-a-way shots, Mark Foley was identified on-screen as being a Democrat. That’s right; the guy isn’t exactly a model member of the GOP so let’s just call him a Democrat. We all know that the loyal fans of The O’Reilly factor aren’t exactly working with a surplus of brain cells. If they see it on television, they consider it to be fact. “Television doesn’t lie, and neither does a good old Christian like Bill O’Reilly”. How many fans of the O’Reilly factor are walking around today thinking that Mark Foley is a Democrat? I’d bet quite a few. As far as offering a retraction of the bad information on Foley’s party association, I’m sure Fox News will have a two second blurb at the end of some show at 3:30 in the morning. Where is the accountability? If Fox News and Bill O’Reilly can provide bad information and no one holds them accountable, and that bad information leads to many people not holding the GOP responsible for the alleged actions of Mark Foley and Dennis Hastert, then I think that Maureen Dowd should be able to run a story tomorrow with the headline “George Bush caught on tape wiping his ass with the American Flag in front of a class of first-graders”. I’m sure the Times could offer a retraction a few days later on page 50. Hastert should resign now. If an investigation (and not a cover-up) is actually conducted, I think anyone with prior knowledge of Foley’s actions should be removed from office and prosecuted.
STAYING REGULAR IS THE (ZEL)NORM
I was watching television with the wife tonight when we saw one of those stupid ads for a new prescription drug. “Suffering from Abdominal pain or discomfort, Bloating and Constipation? You could have Chronic Constipation or Irritable Bowel Syndrome with Constipation. Fiber and laxatives may not help all your symptoms. So ask your doctor if Zelnorm is right for you.” By the way fellas, Zelnorm has only been proven to work in women with IBS. When they do come out with a version that works for men, I don’t think they need to use some lame name like Zelnorm. You might have to sugar-coat it for the ladies but when it comes to guys who haven’t shit in a few days, cut to the chase. Why not call it Crapright? “The wife’s cooking got you constipated? Haven’t shit in a week? Why not ask your doctor if new prescription Crapright is right for you? Crapright: that’s what it’s called, that’s what you’ll do!” Forget fiber and laxatives, those are for pussies. Real men (and women) take products like Zelnorm that come with cool side effects. See for yourself:
“Doctor, I need assistance immediately! I’ve had so much diarrhea lately that I’m lightheaded and dizzy, and fear I might faint. There was also a good deal of blood in my stool. What’s that? I have a serious problem that requires special treatment and hospitalization? It could mean I need abdominal surgery? That’s alright; it seems a small price to pay for relieving my constipation. Thanks Crapright!
WIN, LOSE, OR PARTY
When I was a little kid I played a lot of sports. Many times, after a baseball or soccer game, my team would go out for ice cream or dinner to celebrate the victory (or downplay the loss). It was a nice little tradition; a celebration after a tough battle on the playing field. I’m not sure whether George Bush experienced the same thing as a child, but he seems to be on course to experience it now. Dubya doesn’t belong to any baseball or soccer team that I know of, but he does have a new game he enjoys quite a bit. It’s called War (and it’s not the card game). So how better to wrap up the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan than with a $20 million dollar party, right here in the good old US of A? Lawmakers included language in this year's defense spending bill (approved last week) allowing them to spend the $20 million. The funds for "commemoration of success" in Iraq and Afghanistan were originally tucked into last year's defense measure, but they went unspent amid a rise in violence in both countries that forced the Pentagon to extend tours of duty for thousands of troops. The GOP remains blindly optimistic. Carolyn Weyforth, spokeswoman for Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tenn., said, "Republicans are confident we will be victorious in the ongoing war in terror, and we look forward to a time when those funds can be used to honor the men and women who have risked and given their lives." Under the language, the president could "designate a day of celebration" to honor troops serving in the two wars. The president also could call on the nation "to observe that day with appropriate ceremonies and activities" and issue awards to troops who have served honorably. Appropriate ceremonies? Hey! 3,000 Americans have lost their lives since fighting began and we have the biggest deficit in U.S. history…who wants cake? "If the Bush administration is planning victory celebrations, Americans deserve to know what their plan is to get us to a victory in Iraq," said Rebecca Kirszner, spokeswoman for Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev. I tend to agree. I would be very upset if I found out that the Philadelphia Phillies were planning on spending $20 million dollars to plan a World Series victory party for next season (before the season had even begun). How can you declare a victory party when it will be impossible to achieve a victory? Yes, at some point we will pull our troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan and bring them home. Thousands will have died. Tens of thousands will have been injured. Many more will be mentally scarred for live. We might never pay down our war debt to China. A victory party for war? I think we should save that $20 million and spend it on a victory party for the day Dubya leaves office! Now that’s reason to celebrate.
AND AWAY WE GO
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