A heavy dose of truth, humor, and political activism.

Location: Phila, Pennsylvania, United States

Wednesday, July 26, 2006


DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL’S BEST FRIEND When someone first coined the phrase, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend,” they probably didn’t consider that one day a diamond might literally be made from a girl’s best friend. It doesn’t stop with best friends. Parents, children, siblings, co-workers, and anyone else you can think of, is eligible to be immortalized forever into a ring or pendant. Sound crazy? What doesn’t sound crazy these days? The process is simple. Step 1: Someone you care for dies. Step 2: You have that person cremated or, if you prefer burial, you extract strands of their hair. Step 3: Carbon is removed from ashes or hair. Step 4: The carbon is heated while removing the ash to create graphite. Step 5: The graphite is pressurized and then cut into a sparkling gem. Is this a little creepy to anyone else? I’d like nothing more than to keep my loved ones with me forever after they are gone but I don’t think this is what I had in mind. I don’t think I’d be able to wear a piece of jewelry that was made from my mother or wife. The cost is quite high too, at least equal to that of a real diamond, and in many cases, much more expensive. How do you insure something like that on your homeowners? What price could you set on losing a ring made out of dear old dad? Good luck replacing it unless you’ve saved a backup supply of ashes. I find it hard to believe that these gems bring relief to anyone. “I’m sorry sweetheart, I wish your father had been alive to walk you down the aisle on your wedding day but thankfully we were able to have his remains made into your wedding ring so he can still be a part of the celebration!” If some chick was wearing a ring made out of her dead brother on her right hand, and gave you a hand-job with the same hand, does that mean that technically her brother just gave you a hand-job too? I’m not one to tell people what’s right and what’s wrong when it comes to sex, but the thought of getting a hand-job from your girlfriend’s dead brother just rubs me the wrong way. Who gets to decide these things anyway? What if these gems had been around during the height of the East Coast vs. West Coast rapper wars? Could you imagine Biggie not only having Tu Pac killed but then made into some bling-bling earrings that he wore in his next video? Now that’s how you disrespect someone. Death is a hard thing to deal with. I can’t honestly say what I would do if I lost my wife or a parent or sibling, but being charged thousands of dollars to have my deceased loved ones made into gems seems shady to me. It seems like just another way that people can exploit death to make a profit. I enjoy hearing old family stories about my great grand-parents and in that way, I feel like they are kept alive in some regard. I would much prefer to hear stories about them, than to have my mother one day hand me a ring made FROM my great grand-parent. The memory of someone’s life is important to me, not the remains of their body. However, I could think of a few situations in which I wouldn’t mind being made into a gem. If I ever passed away and I had a teenage daughter, I think it’d be great to get myself made into a ring or necklace and make her wear it anytime she goes on a date. I could make that a condition in my will. Then leave her a note with the ring that talks about how she shouldn’t ever forget that whenever she wears her “Daddy Ring” that I can see everything she’s doing. I bet that would keep her from being too promiscuous or using drugs. There’s nothing like a little parenting from beyond the grave. If having your loved ones made into gems actually appeals to some of you, you can check it out at: http://www.lifegems.com/.
HUMP DAY HUMOR I’ve discussed gay marriage many times since starting the Spoon, Full of Truth but sometimes it takes a little dry humor to make people see how foolish it is to be afraid of something harmless like love and marriage. In an attempt to reach those people who still feel that two men or two women should not have the same rights to marry as a man and a woman, I present to you:
10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage Will Ruin Society
1. Homosexuality is not natural, and Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, plastic packaging, and air conditioning.
2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because we all know dogs have legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4. Straight marriage has been around long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be totally destroyed.
6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t completely full yet, and the world clearly needs more children.
7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, much in the same way that straight parents only raise straight children.
8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are strictly imposed on the entire country. That’s why we only have one religion in America.
9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why here in America we expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms, just like we haven’t adapted to automobiles, the internet, or longer life spans.
HOW MUCH WORSE IS IT GOING TO GET? With all of the madness going on in the middle east and the rest of the world, (our troops in Afghanistan and Iraq, the civil war in Iraq, the war between Lebanon and Israel, possible involvement by Syria and Iran, possible connections between Iran and North Korea, and a world-wide hatred of George Bush) it makes me wonder just how badly this is all going to end. I hear the words “World War Three” thrown around more and more these days. Is this what all of this is leading to? As much as the Bush regime will try to point the finger at someone else for causing all of this fighting and unrest, the blame needs to be focused directly back on them. They ignored intelligence that said destabilizing Iraq would only aid terrorist organizations. They blindly went into Iraq, overthrew Saddam, and have now caused something far worse. We do not have enough troops to focus on all of the problems we have created. Even if we did, fighting will only lead to more fighting. We have dug ourselves, Israel, the Middle East, and the rest of the world into a hole and still, “stay the course” is the only rhetoric these idiots have to mutter. When they want to take the focus off of their epic blunder, they try to shift the focus to stem cells, gay marriage, or steroids. I hope I’m not the first one to tell you this, but if we’ve started the process here for World War Three, it might not matter if we have stem cells, if gays marry, or if every athlete in our country takes steroids or not. It is going to be very interesting (and somewhat scary) to see what happens in the coming days, weeks, and months. I just hope that whatever happens, we will live to regret it. IT'S NOT GOODBYE, IT'S JUST SEE YOU LATER It's not goodbye forever, it's just so long for today. The truth you crave will be back soon, so come back and get it, right from the Spoon. Please take the time to be responsible and share the Spoon, Full of Truth with others. For those of you who have been waiting for photos from my birthday event (28 YEARS LATER) they are now available: http://s78.photobucket.com/albums/j94/spoonfulloftruth/28%20YEARS%20LATER/ If you took photos of the event that night, please send them to me at spoonfulloftruth@aol.com. Thanks!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Spoonfull - You have hit a journalistic homerun with your column today. I love how you address ed each of your topics.Hopefully, after reading your column all of those religious wingnuts will raise to the courthouse to adopt some of those frozen embryos. Likewise they will realize that the coming "Rapture" they have been praying for is possible only because the Supreme Court "elected" Bush.So give thanks to Clarence Thomas and Birdblind Scalia.

Keep spreading the truth.

July 26, 2006 12:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Reason 11 why gay marriage will ruin society:

straights, but not gays, are smarter than a pound of lima beans (give or take a bean).

July 26, 2006 12:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Reason #12 -All straight marriages are successful without exception.Gays would be more likely to divorce their partner or abuse their partner.

July 26, 2006 2:59 PM  
Anonymous The Nance said...

Great column and very timely. After attending a family funeral last week, my son asked me what my "wishes" were for my own burial. I told him I want to be cremated and have my ashes used to fertize a tree in my favorite section of the woods near my home. Now I have another option --I can finally get that diamond ring I never got when I got engaged. Just shows -- never give up hope and all your dreams may come true. I'd like a pink diamond. I'll have to think about the cut. And big enough so that all who see it know how much I am loved.

July 26, 2006 5:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does George Bush even begin to understand what is going on in the middle east ? Does he have aforeign policy at all ? I would argue that the answer to both questions is No.His adventure in Iraq has turned into a nightmare. His lack of a policy for improving relations with Latin America has turned into a disaster. Everything he touches turns to shit.Isn't time for him to resign ?

July 27, 2006 3:34 PM  

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