BUSINESS EDITION

DOCTORS CONFIRM FIRST U.S. CASE OF DEATH BY KARMA It looks like spending his golden years in the comforts of a federal prison just weren’t in the cards for former Enron head Ken Lay. Instead, he’ll be spending them a cemetery plot. Early this morning, police were called to the Colorado vacation home of Ken Lay. He was rushed to the Aspen Valley Hospital where he was pronounced dead at 3:11 a.m. Lay, who was to be sentenced on October 23rd, was looking at spending the rest of his natural born life in prison. He was 64 years old. Pastor Steve Wende of First United Methodist Church of Houston, said in a statement that church member Ken Lay died unexpectedly of a "massive coronary." I could be wrong here, but isn’t having a heart a prerequisite for having a heart attack? As a man, I’m not a leading candidate for ovarian cancer. As a heartless prick, I wouldn’t think Ken Lay would have died of heart-attack. It sounds like a cover up to me. Could it be that some big-wigs in Washington are trying to suppress the real cause of death here? Could it be the start of a new deadly ailment that is 80% more likely to affect CEO’s and republicans alike? I’m talking of course, about death by karma. With new useless medications like Tamaflu unlikely to help stop the deadly spread of death by karma, George Bush, his goons in Washington, and his corporate pimps must be shaking in their $2,000 cowboy boots. A condom, when used properly, is effective in preventing the spread of AIDS. Unfortunately for these clowns, when it comes to the spread of death by karma, there is no condom made to fit proverbial dicks. Unlike our overcrowded U.S. prisons, they’ll be plenty of room in hell for Dubya’s boy, Ken Lay. Maybe now, with Ken Lay dead, all the people he cheated out of their pensions and retirement savings will have a little easier time resting in peace. 20% POST CONSUMER CONTENT Recycling is the man. The same "man" who’s been keeping us down (ever since it became possible to do so) is now taking hold of our bottles, cans, and cardboard. When recycling first became popular, consumers were interested in trying to save the environment. Why throw something in the garbage and stick it in a landfill when you can re-use it and save more natural resources? It makes a lot of sense. These days it doesn’t just make sense, it makes cents, and lots of them. Recycling these days is a cash cow. The environment is being destroyed and all the recycling in the world (alone) isn’t going to save it. Companies still have a vast interest in recycling though. They charge you for a product that includes packaging, then they collect the packaging so that they can have cheaper materials for making new packaging, and then they charge consumers full price for the product again. Meanwhile, consumers get no discount on items that are made with recycled goods, nor are they paid for returning the discarded packaging (cans, bottles, cardboard, etc) to the companies who re-use them. To take it a step further, in certain areas (like the neighborhood in which both of my parents live) the city is now forcing residents to separate their recycling (clear glass, dark glass, cans, newspaper, cardboard, etc) and to clean it (i.e. bottles should be rinsed out) and will fine them if they throw it away. We as consumers buy products, pay for the packaging, and then are forced to clean it, sort it, and hand it back to these companies so that they can save money on future packaging while passing on no savings whatsoever to the consumer. These companies then preach the same rhetoric of saving the environment by recycling to make people feel bad when they throw away packaging. Recycling is better for the environment, but don’t think for a second that saving the environment in any way, shape, or form, drives these corporations to do it. Cheaper materials equal more profits, plan and simple. It’s almost enough to make me want to throw my bottles and cans in the trash. In order to stick it to the corporations, you also have to stick it to the environment. With the environment all but doomed anyway, it is tempting, but I’m still going to recycle. Maybe it’d be better to rent a storage facility somewhere and fill it with all of my recycling until it gets so full that a company offers to buy it all from me. Even if it was only a few bucks, at least we’d both be profiting from it. Right now I just feel used, and re-used. CAN I INTEREST YOU IN ONE OF OUR EXCITING NEW PROGRAMS? A friend of mine was over at my apartment today helping me set up my new HDTV so we could watch the World Cup game in high definition. He just recently moved out of my apartment building and while we were waiting for the game to start he decided to call his credit card companies to have his address changed so his statements would go to his new address. The guy could have simply taken down his new address, asked if he could be of further assistance, and let him get on with his day. However, these guys (as they are trained to do) will not pass up any opportunity to sell you something and take more of your money. If they already have you on the phone, they might as well pitch you something. This time, he tried to sell him on an upgrade to a gold credit card and even offered to waive the usual $150 annual fee for the first year. This kind of thing makes me sick. You’re already taking my money, I’m just trying to change my address to make it easier for you to send me my bill and get my money on time (so you can’t also charge me a late fee), don’t take advantage of me and try to sell me something else. It makes me want to try to sell these guys something over the phone too. I know they have a job, they must have a few extra dollars to throw around. I could just wait for them to finish their sales pitch, and then casually give them one of my own, “Thank you for offering me that new gold credit card. It sounds like quite a deal! Speaking of deals, while I have YOU on the phone, I’d like to offer you this opportunity to purchase one of my new ‘go-fuck-yourself’ kits at an amazing introductory price of just 99 cents. As if that’s not enough, for 50 cents more I’ll throw in one of my ‘go-fuck-your-mother’ kits; it’s my new family package! Once you buy the package, you’ll be automatically enrolled into my monthly club. Each month, for a cost of just $4.95, you’ll be sent email reminders detailing the exact reasons that you should go fuck yourself as well as the latest popular methods to help you do just that. I can only offer you this special price today while I have you on the phone. I encourage you to take advantage!” What might be even better, would be to not pay my bill for a few months, then when they call to harass me for payment, I could give them my sales pitch. “I don’t have enough money to pay my bill today, but I don’t want you to leave empty handed. While I have you on the phone, let me make you a special offer…” IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE, NO, IT'S THE TRUTH! And there's only one place to get it right from the source...Spoon, Full of Truth. Thanks for taking time out of your day to feed your brain. I don't write the truth, I just help to Spoon it out. Make sure to get your truth here. Otherwise, you risk getting forked.