WELCOME TO CONSPIRACY WEEK

PAT ROBERTSON GETS IT IN THE END It wasn't all that long ago that the loud-mouthed head of the 700 club, Pat Robertson, declared that god had sent hurricane Katrina to New Orleans to punish them for homosexual behavior that took place there (including the fact that it is the birth place of famous talk show host Ellen Degeneres who hosted last years Emmy awards). The 700 Club, a television program, is an outgrowth of a 1963 telethon in which founder Pat Robertson asked 700 viewers to join the “700 Club” by pledging $10 a month, money needed to meet CBN’s (Christian Broadcasting Network) monthly budget. 700 is also the combined IQ of all of Robertson's viewers. In a delicious twist of fate last week, a plane, owned by Robertson, crashed in Long Island Sound while flying through heavy fog. Sadly, Robertson was not aboard at the time (he was probably at home leg pressing 2,000 pounds on his weights as he also recently claimed he could do). While the technical cause of the crash is still under investigation, I believe I know what really brought the plane down. Pat Robertson is gay. Are we to believe that this fog was mere coincidence? After all, according to Mr. Robertson himself, if a hurricane (a force of nature) was caused by god as punishment, couldn't the same be said about thick fog? Dick Sawyer, who lives in the neighborhood, said, "You could barely see past your hand at the time. Five minutes later, the fog lifted just enough to reveal the jet in the water". The plane goes down and five minutes later the fog that caused it lifted? That has god written all over it. It would be wrong for me to blame god for this act without putting as much serious time and thought into it as Pat Robertson did before making his comments about Ellen and Katrina so in the interest of fairness and truth I will now do that (10 seconds elapse). Yes, Pat Robertson, like his crashed Learjet, is indeed flaming. GOP ENLISTS SIGFRIED AND ROY FOR HELP WITH A NEW GAY MAGIC TRICK Bring on the smoke and mirrors. That's right folks, the GOP will once again attempt to saw America in half. They don't need a pretty female assistant with a trick table and a saw. They have an even better new device, it's called the Gay Marriage Ban. Bush said Monday he is "proud to stand with" those who support a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage. "Marriage between one man and one woman does a better job protecting children better than any other institution humankind has devised," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tenn. "As such, marriage as an institution should be protected, not redefined". Hmm, that's a strange comment coming from a guy who's helping to redefine the very party for which is Majority Leader. Let's quickly point out that defining marriage directly conflicts with the GOP's opposition to big government interference. Or, I should say, the original GOP. Who was it that talked about having a wall between church and state? Thomas Jefferson, founder of our country, Republican, and former President? But what the hell did that guy know? With Republican's once again focusing on the Gay Marriage Ban, attempting to divide the country instead of uniting it, they are also hoping that other legislation will slip under the radar. The mainstream media is much more likely to report on Gay Marriage Ban, and the GOP knows this; typical smoke and mirrors. So what else is being considered on Capital Hill these days? The Pentagon says it needs money, about $66 billion, right away or delays could begin to affect the conduct of the war in Iraq. Last I checked, we could use something to affect the conduct of the war in Iraq. The Senate added new relief for farmers and other aid to the package, swelling its cost to more than $100 billion. Bush stands firm that the price tag should stick within his $92.2 billion request, plus $2.3 billion to combat avian flu (which is probably just enough to cover white, christian, same-sex couples and their families). I'm sure Congress will push this bill right through. These clowns don't care how much money they waste, homosexuals are trying to marry each other, they need to focus on that. I'm surprised they haven't combined the two and proposed a gay-marriage tax. 80% of the total same-sex couple marital assets seems fair, right? At the same time, The House is expected to consider a $32 billion spending bill that would give the Homeland Security Department $1.8 billion more in 2007 than this year. It also is likely to send Dubya a Senate-approved bill to raise indecency fines tenfold, to $325,000 per violation, for television and radio broadcasters. I have a proposition, can we consider the lack of reporting from the major news outlets on the crimes of our government an indecency? Oh, you mean they only consider things that are offensive to christians who are trying to watch television or listen to radio without (god forbid) seeing a naked breast or hearing the word "fuck" as indecent? Does Homeland Security really need another $1.8 billion? I guess the price tag of illegal domestic spying has really skyrocketed in the past year. So, while the country bickers over whether two people who love each other and have every right to marry can actually do so, our government will really be up to a few more pressing issues like continuing to fund an unnecessary war, lining the pockets of the rich, keeping tabs on who everyone calls and what they talk about, and continuing its christian choke hold on the media. God Bless America. SPOON, FULL OF TRUTH, IS STRANGER THAN FICTION Last week I said that starting this week, the Spoon would be featuring not only the great TRUTH you have all come to rely on, but some fiction as well. As it turns out, that statement was indeed fiction itself. The fiction will be coming to the Spoon, but not this week. Recent events have once again proven that truth is often stranger than fiction (or if not at least a little more pressing). For this reason, I will need to fill the Spoon FULL of truth this week, leaving no room for anything else. Bear with me, it's going to be a interesting week as I touch on such topics as AIDS and 9/11. Come back soon, for more, of the Spoon.