THERE'S SOMETHING FISHY ABOUT DUBYA
I KNOW THE HUMAN BEING AND FISH CAN COEXIST PEACEFULLY On September 29th, 2000 our dimwitted President uttered this now famous quote, making it clear that he did not intend to wage war on salt, or fresh water fish. This week, when asked to pick the best and worst moments (so far) of his presidency, he had the following responses. Not surprisingly, he said the 9/11 attacks were the worst moment of his presidency. "I would say the toughest moment of all was after the whole reality sunk in and I was trying to help the nation understand what was going on, and at the same time, be empathetic for those who had lost lives," he said in the interview with a German newspaper. Obviously it took the reality a while to sink in. We all remember Georgie sitting in that classroom full of children while the twin towers burned. I'm sure the Dr. Seuss book he was reading was too riveting to break away from. Either that or he wasn't shocked because he knew it was coming. Allowing the 9/11 attacks to happen certainly opened the door for everything he's done since including the Patriot act, and the war in Iraq. However, when Dubya was asked to pick the best moment of his presidency, he had a harder time. He did not have an easy time picking just one because in his words, "I've had a lot of great moments." Oh yeah George? Name three. Ok, name one. So what did Dubya pick? "I would say the best moment was when I caught a 7 1/2-pound largemouth bass on my lake," Bush said, laughing. That's the best moment of your presidency? Catching a 7 pound fish on a lake? You don't need to be president to do that George. I could go fishing tomorrow and catch a fish. Hell, you could have gone fishing one weekend while you were AWOL from the National Guard, hopped up on cocaine, during the 7th inning stretch of a Texas Rangers game. If someone asked me what my best moment in my writing career has been, I wouldn't say, "The time I got some really good Chinese food delivery". What does one have to do with the other? They wanted to know what your best moment as PRESIDENT was. Not your best moment as some schmuck who likes fishing. Consequently, if the best thing to happen to you in the last five years is catching that fish, you need to find better ways to spend all that money your family is stealing from the American public. What about one of the days Cheney was out sick and they actually let you make some executive decisions? That wasn't better than the fish? How about the time you got to dress up like a pilot and take pictures on the air craft carrier? That's better than Halloween! I guess this is just another sign that there is no limit to what our president will lie about. One moment he's claiming that the human being and the fish can coexist peacefully. The next, he's saying his greatest moment as president was catching a fish with a hook through its mouth. Maybe that proves what I have suspected all along, George Bush isn't human at all. SORRY DAD, YOU WERE WRONG. I CAN AIR CONDITION THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD I've always had a love for air conditioning. My body temperature always runs a little high so I tend to be hot most of the time. If you ask anyone who knows me well (maybe some of them can leave comments to this effect), if they spend any time at my place, they are usually freezing cold. I used to run a giant window fan in my window all winter long. One night it got so cold that the snow blew into the room and actually settled on the floor. I happened to be warm and toasty in my heated water bed at the time. My friend, who was asleep on the floor, and woke the next morning covered in snow, was not as fortunate. In any event, in my house growing up we had a powerful air conditioner in the front room where you entered the house. Often times in the summer, we would go outside and forget to close the door behind us. This prompted my father to tell us that, "we can't air condition the entire neighborhood, you need to close the door". Well guess what dad? You were wrong. I've had the air conditioning blasting and the windows open in my apartment all week long. Who's air conditioning the neighborhood now? Maybe you just meant our neighborhood that I grew up in? Our apartment building includes air conditioning in the price of the rent (along with heat, hot water, and electricity). Because it costs me the same amount of money to run the air conditioning 24 hours a day with the windows open as it does to run it one hour a day with the windows closed, I thought I would do my neighbors a solid and attempt to air condition the entire neighborhood. With global warming, it might be a little harder then when I was a kid. What about the environment you ask? Well what's the environment done for me lately? My wife is suffering from terrible allergies. I am suffering from allergies for the first time in my life. The weather changes from hot and humid when I have to be outside for work, to cold and rainy when I want to go out on the town. Not to mention that nature is responsible for bees (to whom I am allergic), the cockroach I saw in the basement of our building the other day, and sand (which single handedly ruins the ocean in my estimation). So, for as long as I can afford it, and as long as nature continues to wage war against me and my outdoor comfort levels, I will continue to attempt my quest to air condition all of center city Philadelphia. Bundle up Philly, summer's coming. FINE YOUNG CANNIBALS I had a lovely discussion today with a friend about her new love interest. She said she was seriously involved with Pepe, a character from the Muppets. Pepe is a King Prawn. Although she was being completely facetious about the relationship it spawned a discussion about whether or not she'd be a Queen if she married a King Prawn. We decided that she would not, but that her children would certainly be royalty. We then began to question whether or not it would be wrong to eat your children if they were half prawn. I surmised it would be 50% wrong, and 50% tasty. She agreed to only eat half of each child. At this point, she told me, "Seriously though, I think it's wrong to eat people". I agreed, but left room open for certain situations. If I was stranded on an island and had a choice between eating my comrades and a coconut, I'd eat the coconut. If I ran out of coconuts, and I was going to starve, I'd BBQ some of the recently deceased. My friend then suggested that before I completely ran out of coconuts, that I could cook some people-stew in a light coconut sauce. This seemed like a decent compromise. Then it really got me thinking. Coconut shrimp is one of my favorite things to eat. If there really were half human, half prawn people, and I had some coconuts to batter them in, would it be cannibalism or just a tasty snack? I guess I'll never really have to come to these tough decisions. All I can say is, if I am ever stranded on an island and forced to eat people-meat to stay alive, I hope I am stranded with some half-prawn people too, cause they will be the first ones tossed into the pan. Wok and roll. (Disclaimer: No prawn-people were harmed in the writing of this story, nor was any marijuana smoked) THAT'S ALL SHE WROTE I guess it's all HE wrote, but you get the point. Until next time, you keep reading them, I'll keep writing them, one Spoon, Full of Truth at a time.