DHS: THE NEW WMD's?
THIS WEEK IN BUSH There's no telling what the Bush family will do next in their plot for world domination. As I touched on in my last blog post, there is no limit to what this family will do, or who they will take advantage of, as long as it is of benefit to them. Today, the Spoon will speculate on what the next move of the Bush family just may be. I feel speculation in this case is fair because nothing I could think up could hold a torch to the next, actual, sick and twisted attempt to plunder America, at the hands of the Bush family. Here we go: Bush will have the U.S. Treasury start printing special $3 bills (complete with his photo on them) which will be used to help Katrina Victims get back on their feet. These 3$ bills will be distributed in mass amounts but will be the only form of aid available to hurricane victims. Tax payers will foot the bill for the new currency (just like we do every time the Bush's want to pad their deep, deep pockets a little more). The catch this time is, the $3 bills can only be spent on certain products, produced by certain companies (such as Haliburton and Ignite Learning). This list of products and companies will be determined by a special "independent" council put together by Dubya himself. Members will most likely include George Bush Sr., Barbara Bush, Jeb Bush, Neil Bush, The Bush Twins, Dick Cheney, Michael Brown (since he clearly has his finger on the pulse of what Katrina Victims need), Donald Rumsfeld, and Condy. Under the patriot act, anyone who questioned this new form of money would be called a terrorist and jailed at Gitmo. Leave it to the Bush family to create dollars that don't make any sense. HOMELAND SECURITY DISCOVERS NEW TERROR PLOT Before we all beat up on Brian J. Doyle for trying to solicit sex from a fourteen year old girl, let's consider his motives. Everyone jumped to conclusions after Katrina about Michael Brown and as we soon learned from our fearless leader George Bush, Brownie was doing one heckuva job. Everyone thought the same thing when Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face. But there wasn't even a police investigation. Surely the police would have filed charges if a crime had been committed. And what of Tom DeLay? He resigned to give other Republicans a chance to run in his district. He was just trying to spread the wealth, right? He probably would have won re-election anyway. He was never actually convicted of anything. Jack Abramoff who? I'm sure he just meant to donate the money and get a legal tax break for it like Barbara Bush did. This money is actually a legal donation to the U.S. Treasury, but it can only be spent on the campaigns of George Bush, Tom DeLay, and other good honest Republicans. So before we jump to any conclusions about Brian J. Doyle, let's consider one of the many possible scenarios that could have led to his recent actions. It is quite possible that some time ago the Department of Homeland Security got word that Osama Bin Laden was going to next attack the U.S. by starting life-long abstinence programs among our nation's young girls. Never mind religious groups who only condone sex after marriage, his message was no sex, ever. He figured that if these young women abstained from sex for life, Americans could not reproduce and would slowly die out and would eventually cease to exist. Abstinence is the biggest WMD of them all. If it was unleashed in America it would kill all 330 million of us within 100 years. In an attempt to foil his plot, members of DHS (including Brian Doyle) immediately began plans to have as sex with as many under-aged girls as possible before they could be brain-washed into thinking that sex was evil (much like when Catholics convinced Africans that condom use would eternally damn them to hell, but, evidently, AIDS would give them a speed pass to heaven). The press conference would have gone something like this: Dubya would have called Doyle a patriot who would do anything for his country, even have sex with fourteen year old girls (when he actually found such an act to be vile). When asked if he thought that having sex with young girls was a bad thing given his beliefs in Jesus and Christian "values", Dubya said that sometimes you have to break a few hymens to make a justice-freedom omelette. When asked to elaborate on this statement, Dubya scratched his head, snickered, pointed quickly to his right and yelled "What's that?!" and with reporters distracted, turned and ran. In actuality, Homeland Security press secretary Russ Knocke, in Washington, said he could not comment on the details of the Doyle investigation. Isn't it the JOB of press secretary TO comment? Rome wasn't built in a day and I guess bullshit can't be spun on the spot. It takes some time to portray something in a good light. Who knows, Doyle was probably just trying to interrogate the girl. Maybe he thought she was not only attempting to abstain from sex, but knew the location of major Al Queda operatives as well. "Hey baby, ever had sex with an older man while detailing terror plots before? Oh that feels good! Call me Saddam! You know what would be really hot? If you masturbated on a web cam while you told me the exact location of Osama Bin Laden. I know girls twice your age who can't do that." Until Russ Knocke and Scott Mclellan give us all the "real" story about the heroics of Brian Doyle, we should just assume he is innocent until proven guilty (after all, this is America and last I checked, Mr. Doyle is white). FOR THOSE ON A TRUTH DIET, HERE'S SOME LIGHTER FARE In a recent conversation with my friend (and avid Spoon, Full of Truth reader) Karen, I was made aware that many of the things I say to her during our talks on AIM, are saved and used as her comical (and sometimes nonsense laden) away messages. In a attempt to help more people bring humor and/or confusion to their friends (at least those who bother to read away messages), I will now offer the Spoon, Full of Truth AWAY MESSAGE OF THE WEEK. Feel free to post it and try it out on your buddies. Happy messaging. This week's away message: "Your superpower is that you smell like dandelions whenever someone lies" MOMMA SAID THEY WAS MY MAGIC SHOES, MOMMA SAID THEY'D TAKE ME ANYWHERE Right now they are taking me to Canada for a nice weekend with the in-laws. I hope you all enjoy your weekend as well. Take some time to absorb the massive amounts of truth you've just received, share it with some friends, and come back next week, hungry for more. This message will self destruct in 30 seconds.