TIME TO CELEBRATE WITH GREEN BEER AND NUDITY
SHOW ME YOUR TITS My first night in Madrid we went to a Mardi Gras party. Every time a guy bought a drink they would give him a set of beads. Girls had to try to get as many beads from the guys as possible. At the end of the night, the girl with the most beads won prizes. Sound familiar? Like every other Mardi Gras celebration you've heard of? Not exactly. There is one fundamental of any Mardi Gras celebration that was severely lacking. That's right, you guessed it, tits. There's one reason the guys walking around with the beads decide to give them to a girl. It's not because she asks nicely, it's not because she's pretty, it's because she lifts up her shirt, and flashes the goods. Period. Now, truth be told, there are some girls I would give beads to if it would make them keep their shirt on, but they generally aren't the ones flashing people anyway. The girls in Madrid obviously weren't aware that in order to get beads, they have to bear boobs. Too bad for the guys there. Last night, while sitting on my couch in Philadelphia, I saw a story on the evening news about a bar in West Chester, PA that was being investigated because there had been complaints about girls flashing their tits at a Mardi Gras party a few weeks ago. Pictures of the Fat Tuesday party, had shown up on the internet. I immediately had two thoughts. I knew I could count on American girls to earn their beads, and what the hell is wrong with these people who are complaining about it? I'll make it easy. There are 365 bar nights per year. On Fat Tuesday, don't go to a bar with a Mardi Gras celebration if you're offended by a little female topless nudity. Drink a beer at home, go to another bar, or just spend one night at home sober reading your bible. Why not let the rest of us (heterosexual males, lesbians, and anyone else who isn't offended by a little skin) enjoy ourselves and exercise our right to see some nudity? I know this country was founded by prudes who fled from Europe because all the sex that was going on was just too much for them to handle, but I don't think one day a year is asking too much. You guys that are against this kind of thing disgust me. When did you stop being MEN and start being christian moralists? Yes, that's right, you can't be both. You either love tits or you don't. If you love jesus more than a hot, topless, drunk girl, you are no longer a man. I can hear your balls shrinking from here. For you girls who are offended by it, leave your shirts on. No problem. But don't make those drunk girls who want to get topless and dance on tables do the same. Those of you out there who are most offended by nudity, could probably use it the most. It's Mardi Gras, lose the bra. KISS ME, I'M IRISH Actually I'm not Irish at all, but why should the Irish get all the kisses? They already get their own holiday. You don't really need to be Irish to enjoy St. Patrick's Day. As long as you like to drink Guinness or green colored beer in large amounts, you can have a grand time. I drank plenty on Friday and enjoyed myself quite a bit (the parts I can remember anyway). My friend and I spent all day in a sports bar, watching college basketball (go Villanova!), followed by an evening of drinking green alcohol (has anyone seen the green fairy?) and hopping from bar to bar, meeting many, many drunk Irish people (including those who are only Irish one day a year). Binge drinking and St. Patrick's Day go hand in hand. Coincidence? I think not. Do the Irish like to drink? You bet they do. Are ALL Irish people drunks? Of course not. These days it seems that people are so busy focusing on equality, that they don't take the time to remember that there are aspects of different cultures that separate us. That's not to say any one culture is better than another, just that there are differences. Those differences should not get lost in the push for equal rights. I don't always disagree with stereotyping. Sometimes it is bad, but you have to remember that some stereotypes are based firmly in reality. Are all Irish people alcoholics? Of course not. But some are. Do all Jews have big noses? No. But I know many who do. Can all black people out run and out jump white folks? Not all of them. But who's the last white guy to win the gold metal in the 100 meter dash? And how many white guys have won the NBA dunk contest? A college football coach was ripped in the media this past season for saying his team was too slow and they should get a few more black athletes. He was called racist. I don't see this as being racist, just a cultural difference. The fact is, we are not all the same. And I wouldn't want us to be. I like that there are many different cultures and types of people. The United States has always been called a melting pot. I don't like that analogy. In a melting pot, everything gets melted down and eventually, all becomes the same. How about a mixed salad instead? A salad can have many different ingredients and they all go well together but each bite holds something different. When we are no longer allowed to recognize the differences that make each culture different, without being called racist, then we all lose our identity. It's like someone saying that the winter is cold, and I immediately jump down their throat and call them a "seasonist" because there was an 80 degree day this week and a few others in the 70's. Not EVERY day of the winter is cold, but you can't always view everything on a case by case basis. We should be celebrating the things that make each culture different, not pretending they don't exist. I understand that some stereotypes are dangerous. Not all Jews are cheap. Not all blacks are gang bangers. Not all Italians are Mobsters. Not all Mexicans are lazy. These stereotypes are unfair. But where do you draw the line? If you have 100 people in a room, how many have to be ugly to say it's a room FULL of ugly people? All 100? 90? 80? To say that drinking is not a part of this big Irish holiday is just untrue. It doesn't mean that all Irish people are alcoholics as many people say. It's just an aspect of the celebration. MY BRAIN RECOVERS That's all for today folks. I need another day or so for my brain to fully recover from a long weekend before diving back into the humor and politics you've all come to love. Do not worry, the Spoon, Full of Truth will be back in full force by week's end. I hope you enjoyed my stories of celebration. Spoon, out.