JANIE'S GOT A GUN (AND DICK DOES TOO)
IT'S OFFICIAL, WE'RE GUESSING We had a large snow storm in Philadelphia over the weekend. Being somewhat of a snow fanatic, I watch as many weather reports as I can. I like to see what station is calling for the most snow, then I decide they must be right. They never are. While watching one weather report on Saturday evening, the reporter said that as of midnight, the "official estimate" was one inch of snow at Philly International airport. What the hell is an official estimate? An estimate is a guess. So what makes a guess official? Because the news organization is willing to stand behind it? It's still a guess. If they are right, great. If they are wrong, oh well. If it wasn't an official estimate, would their guess be any less accurate? The Spoon Full of Truth official estimate is that these morons have less brain cells than the inch of snow that fell at the airport. A guess is a guess. No need to make it official. Once you state that you're guessing, that's official enough. Why don't you spend a little more time getting the weather report right, and a little less time making your guesses sound like something else? I guess official estimate is the new word for guess. It does have a nice ring to it. After all, janitors are now called custodial engineers, used cars are now called certified preowned, domestic spying is now called terrorist intelligence gathering, and a criminal with a shotgun is now called Vice President. DICK, GEORGE, AND DAN: THE QUAIL SAGA What is it about Bush run white houses and stupid mistakes involving quail? The first President Bush thought so much of quail that he chose one as his Vice President. You all remember him right? The guy who couldn't spell potato? The guy who is responsible for such gems as, "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is, 'to be prepared'" It was a nice thought. Too bad Dan Quayle couldn't count higher than one. The current president Bush, not wanting to be outdone by his daddy, chose a VP who likes to shoot quail. Too bad he can't aim. You mean the old guy in the bright orange vest isn't a quail? Could have fooled Dick. Anyone care to make an official estimation as to how many drinks Dick had before he went hunting? Or how many people it took to cover it up until the alcohol was out of his system? Harry Wittington (the man shot) said he wasn't going to give a statement out of respect for Dick Cheney. Respect for what? His on-the-level business dealings at Halliburton? The way he stood up for his own lesbian daughter when his boss fought against gay rights? Or respect for the fact that he doesn't want to be shot in the face again? That one sounds about right. You'd think maybe that out of respect, Cheney wouldn't have shot his friend in the face. That would be giving him too much credit. Maybe this will be the thing that bring liberals and conservatives together. Dick and Ted. Buck shot and Chappaquiddick. Maybe the Bush white house will just get another free pass. My guess? Cheney shot him in the face on purpose. WHEN THE SMOKE (AND MIRRORS) CLEAR Why do I think Cheney shot him in the face? Because he was trying to cover up his bigger blunders with a smaller, more widely publicized one. On the same day last week when the news broke that Scooter Libby testified that it was Dick Cheney himself who told Scooter Libby to leak information about CIA agent Valerie Plame, Dubya tried to cover it up. He released a phony story to the media about a thwarted attack on a tall building in Los Angeles. That came as surprising news to many people including the mayor of Los Angeles, members of the CIA and FBI, and the former head of Homeland Security, Tom Ridge. And why had none of them heard of this alleged attack before? Simple. Because no such attack was ever planned, nor thwarted. When Dubya's daddy got him a clown and a magician to perform at his 40th birthday party, it gave him an idea. He could use magic to fix his mistakes. Once he found out that magic was little more than sleight of hand, he cried himself to sleep, and awoke with a new resolve to use smoke and mirror tactics himself. Since then, he has put it to much use. He may not have a wand or a rabbit in his hat (although these items probably do reside in his game room), but he has mastered the art of the less-than-truthful press release. Like any great magician, Dubya needs assistants. Good thing he has the media working hard on his side. Bush says it, the news organizations run it, the masses believe it to be the truth. But this time, it didn't work so well. It was quickly reported that there had been no such terrorist attack planned for Los Angeles. He would have to work harder. How to cover up the CIA leak? Easy. Shoot your friend Harry in the face, then ask him, out of respect for you, not to comment on it. I'm sure Mr. Wittington won't comment on the heart attack he suffered today due to a buck shot pellet lodged in his heart, that would just be disrespectful. The wildlife department issued a report Monday that found the main factor contributing to the accident was a "hunter's judgment factor." No other secondary factors were found to have played a role. I get it. If you're a member of the Bush regime, any crimes you commit can be written off as bad judgment and nothing else. Maybe we can write off everyone who voted for Bush as "voters judgment factor." PRESIDENT'S JUDGMENT FACTOR Maybe I've been too hard on Dubya. Maybe all the astounding blunders he has made since taking office can just be written off as the President's judgment factor. Sure he used cocaine, was arrested for drunk driving in New England, dodged the draft, started an unjust war, gave his friends the very lucrative war contracts, spied on American citizens without proper court approval, completely mismanaged the Katrina disaster (leading to many deaths), lied to the entire world, bashed gays, took over the FCC and used it for his personal christian agenda, and tried to drill the Alaskan wilderness. So what? President's judgment factor. 'Nuff said. Don't you think a more accurate term would be the President's LACK of judgment factor? Is this in the vein of "official estimation?" Do we now call crimes committed by Presidents and VPs "political judgment factors?" If I shot my friend in the face, they'd call it attempted murder. If I let people I was supposed to care for sit on a roof top and starve, they'd call it abuse. Why should it be any different for these two clowns? It's time we start using our "citizen's judgment factor" to hold these cowboys (not the gay ones, just the reckless ones) accountable. Just pretend your mother was Valerie Plame and Cheney had put her life in danger. Wouldn't you want to defend her? Or what if it was your father that he shot in the face? Wouldn't you want to see him tried for that crime. If we continue to allow these men to get away with anything, it won't be long until one of us has a heart full of buckshot. If he'll shoot his friend out of lack of judgment, what do you think he will do to the rest of us if he continues to go unchecked? 300 MILLION DOLLARS, ONE SNOW BALL'S CHANCE IN HELL Have you caught power ball fever yet? I sure have. You spend one dollar on a ticket, spend all day dreaming about how you'd spend it, watch the drawing, and lose. It's great fun. The odds of winning power ball are somewhere in the neighborhood of 1 in 146,000,000. So you're telling me there's a chance? I read ya. Of course if you don't buy a ticket, the chance that you won't win is 1 out of 1. Those are much better odds. I'm a dreamer though. I like to buy my ticket and think about how I'd spend all of that money. Lots of people say they'd give 10% to their church. Not me. Fuck the church. You don't see them giving me 10% of what they make. Lots of people say they'd donate money to charity. I might to that, but don't hold your breath. I'm not sure how far $300,000,000 goes these days, but I'd like to own my own island. Of course I would be the ruling government body. Did I say government? I meant King. I'd be the King. If an island was a little out of my price range, I'd buy an entire town somewhere. Holland would be nice. I'd move all of my friends and family into nice big houses so they could be my neighbors. I wouldn't mind being a minority owner in the Philadelphia Eagles too, complete with my own luxury box at every game. Also the players would have to do what I say. And I say, WIN. My wife works very hard and deserves a break from time to time. If I had $300,000,000 dollars, I could hire her a few stunt doubles. Don't want to make dinner tonight honey? That's ok, call in the stunt double. No sex tonight? You've got a headache? No problem. Call in 3 of the stunt doubles. I would also take out a full page ad in every newspaper in America telling all the people I dislike to go fuck themselves. Now that's advertising. I'd still write this blog though. No amount of money can keep me from sharing the truth. If you don't believe me, make me an offer. WEATHER REPORT! It's been snowing bullshit since Bush took office. It's time to dig out. Together we can do it, one Spoon Full of Truth at a time. Check back soon, the truth will be waiting for you.