CUPID'S ARROW HIT MY WALLET
EXPLOIT ME That's just what it should say on one of those little Necco candy hearts. Exploit me: I'm a married man on Valentine's Day. It doesn't just stop at us married guys. The fiances are exploited, the serious boyfriends are exploited, even the dudes just trying to get some and still seem sweet about it get exploited. Let me start off by saying that women need to be spoiled sometimes to feel special. If you're a guy, and what I've just said is news to you, you've got a week to turn it around. Here's my problem with Valentine's Day. A woman should be surprised and spoiled spontaneously. How romantic is it to give someone roses that aren't nearly as much a sign of love, as a societal obligation. Think about it. Women, how many of you would feel unloved if your guy didn't recognize Valentine's Day at all? He might say "Happy Valentine's Day" but that'd be the end of it. You'd be pissed. Because society says that if you don't buy something for your woman on Valentine's Day, you don't love her. When I want to show my wife that I love her, I bring her flowers home just because I wanted to surprise her or just make her feel extra special that day (or occasionally because I've pissed her off). I take her to a surprise dinner at a good Restaurant. Sometimes, if I'm home, I even clean up the whole apt before she gets home from work (and if you knew me you'd realize that's quite a feat). But what's it really prove if I buy my wife roses or chocolates or even a bear on a day where the hidden purpose isn't to show her how much I really love her, but to keep her from thinking I don't. It's the difference between "You really love me" like a swelling of pride versus "oh, you do love me" as in a show of relief that she really does matter (at least enough to severely over pay for something that will be dead in a week). I'm gonna get my wife something for Valentine's Day. Why? Because I'm smart enough to know that even though I'm onto their scheme to exploit my wife's love, they are still exploiting it. But, I did bring her roses home this past weekend, and why? Just because I love her. Next Tuesday I'll give her roses again, why this time? So she can brag to her friends about how thoughtful I am for Valentine's Day. CUPID, WE NEED LOVIN TOO Cupid has been so busy with all this Valentine's Day madness that he forgot to do something for us men. Valentine's Day is about men getting stuff for women. If a guy gets nothing for Valentine's Day, it isn't front page news to all of his friends. If a woman doesn't get something, she tells all of her women friends about it. Then her friends will start to convince her that you're a dead beat, and at that point, it's almost not worth the energy to try to prove them wrong. There's a lot of fish in the sea. But getting back to Cupid and his lack of respect for the male side of love. Men love things too. We don't need candy, or roses, or a big stuffed bear, for us to know you really care. But a big juicy steak, medium rare. We don't need poems or songs about love. Just buy some tight lingerie, that fits like a glove. Diamonds and jewelry are kind of insane, all us guys need, is some old fashioned brain. So as you can probably tell by my rhyming, I'm all for a holiday, a week before Valentine's Day, where women have to prove to men that they love them with sexy outfits, tasty steak dinners, and a hummer for the ages. Then the Valentine's Day roses and candy won't be so much an obligation, as a thank you. DEAR GOD, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE NOW? Just when I thought it was safe to put it in my mouth, swish it around, and swallow it down, Diet Pepsi had to go and screw it all up for themselves. Big time. Diet Pepsi, you've had your moments. Diet Crystal Pepsi, the novelty wore off as quickly as my urge to drink the stuff. Kona Pepsi? The "Coffee Flavored" Pepsi. Coffee's good. So is Diet Pepsi. Dogs are good and so is sex. But not together. Just when Diet Pepsi had made it's way into my soda selection rotation (and trust me, I consume a whole hell of a lot of diet soda) it went and did this. I was watching the Super Bowl on Sunday night and like anyone else who watches, enjoyed many of the commercials. Many, but not all. Diet Pepsi unveiled their new slogan: "Brown and Bubbly". The brain can not help but associate brown in some way, with shit. UPS put brown on the map. Brown is okay for shipping packages. Got a little brown on my package? It got there on time? No problem. But when it comes to drinking something down for a little refreshment, bubbly does it for me, but brown does not. I'm no drink racist, but if it's brown, most likely, I'm not drinking it down. No thanks. More for the rest of you. What was Diet Pepsi thinking? What happened to pushing refreshment? Great taste? Now you're trying to sell it as an alternative to Coca-Cola because it's brown and bubbly? Coca-Cola might also BE brown and bubbly, but at least they don't remind us of it. Slim Jim's taste good but I don't wanna know what's in it. So, Diet Pepsi, until your next ad slogan which is so great that it may have a chance to redeem you, I'll drink something else. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE Something has been bothering me for quite some time now and I am still seeking the answer which continues to elude me. What is the first decade of a century called? The second decade is the teens, the third is the thirties. The forth is the forties, and so on. But what's the first decade called officially? No one seems to be able to tell me. The one's? That sounds dumb. I've been wanting to know this ever since 1998 and while I have never done any actual research aside from asking other people I meet, I would still like to know. If you have the answer, please respond with a comment to this post. It would be much appreciated and please include your name so everyone knows how smart you are (you might even get laid, brains are the new Braun). I MAKE A COMEBACK Sorry about the lack of blogs last week people. It was a bit of a rough week but I hope to be back more in the coming weeks to keep you all entertained and informed. I am also in the process of starting a once weekly guest column. A lot of you out there have something to say, and now is your chance to be heard. You can send in submissions to email@example.com. Each Wednesday, starting soon, Spoon Full Of Truth will feature a guest column from a writer of my choosing. I promise to read all submissions although I cannot promise all submissions will make the final cut. In case your work is published, make sure to include the name you would like me to credit for the piece. I'll be clear though, if it's GOP Right-wing garbage you're spewing, it won't get any play here. You have enough other outlets. This blog is the voice of the silent minority. Silent because our leaders will not stand up for us. But we can stand up for ourselves. One Spoon Full Of Truth at a time. Please share this site with others, share the truth.