WHAT I WANT (PART 1)
FUCK THE FORMAT I'm changing up my format today people. This blog is all about things I want, so listen up. I want to go back to my wedding weight. Being festively plump is nice for turkeys, but not so nice for me. I want Villanova to win the National Title this March so I can finally have a team of mine win something that matters. I want a dog. A pug would be great. So would a basset hound or a beagle. I'd even take one of each. I want some serious junk-food. There's a place in PA that now serves a 15 pound cheeseburger. It should probably come with a side of emergency surgery. I want a Democrat to stand up to the MADNESS that is the GOP. Is that too much to ask? You'd think that the prospect of becoming the next President of the U.S. would be incentive enough. I want to be the President. I want to go back to the civil war and just let the South become it's own country. What do we need those morons for anyway? They can put Jesus and Dubya on their money and fucking your "purdy cousin" would be the national past time. I want it to snow. What's with these 60 degree temps in fucking January? Oh right, global warming. That can't really exist could it? I mean George Bush wouldn't trash the environment just to make more money for his family and friends would he? What's next? Spying on the American public? I want a really good alcoholic drink that tastes just like watermelon. I like watermelon. I like getting drunk. If you can put a man on the moon, make a fucking drink that gets me wasted and tastes like watermelon. I'm waiting. I want to win the lottery. Not one of these shitty two million dollar ones. I wanna win one of the mega 250 million dollar ones and I don't want to split the jackpot with anyone. I want my own private jet. I'm sick of spending all this money to travel. Why the fuck should it cost so much? I want some serious ups. I don't even think I can reach the backboard, let alone the rim. I wanna be a 5'10'' white kid that can fucking throw down a windmill dunk. Then I wanna dunk on Shaq. I want T.O. to be as good off the field as he is on the field. Then I want him to resign with the Eagles and win the Superbowl. I want people to learn how to drive. How did half of you get your license? Got friends at the D.M.V.? Learn how to drive or get off the road. I want a license to run people over with my car and actually get "points" for it. You know how sometimes when you're driving and some stupid old lady steps out in front of you and your friend goes "50 points for the old lady"? I wanna be able to run the bitch down and then cash in my points for some new bad-ass driving music. I want my own theme song and I want a band to follow me around and play it whenever the mood strikes me. I wanna stop procrastinating so much and actually finish half of the. I want banks to stop charging overdraft fees. They have enough fucking money. If you need to lend me $20 here and there so what? You're a fucking bank! I want a time travel machine. I'd go back in time and fuck with people. I might even go back and fuck your mother while she still looked good. Trip on that. I want marijuana to be legal. Everyone smokes it anyway. Everyone gets high on something, why not pot? I want doctors to make house-calls again. When I'm sick, the doctor should come to me. The last thing I want when I have a fever of 102 and a massive sore throat is to trek out to the doctor in the middle of winter and spend 40 minutes in the waiting room with all the other sick people, spreading all of our sicknesses around. I want a permit to slap anyone at any time. Sometimes that's all a person needs to stop being such a dumb fuck. Sometimes it'll just make me feel better. Sometimes it's just funny. In any event, I want it. I want diabetes cured already. If I can't have it cured, I want George Bush, his two ugly daughters, and his emotionless wife to all get it. Then maybe we can get some stem cells targeted at fixing the problem. I want Bill Clinton elected King of the U.S.. Obviously our current political system is shit, why not try something else. He won't live forever anyway. So maybe he didn't inhale...but it was a start. If Clinton was King we'd have a giant budget surplus and we'd teach proper blow-job technique to girls in school. And trust me, some of them could use it. I want Arnold Schwartzenegger to get some voice training? Isn't he supposed to be an actor? Don't you think he could "act" like he doesn't have that awful accent? We should start an island for people like him and Sean Connery. The island of actors who can't change their fucking accent for even one role. I want dishes that clean themselves. Enough with dishwashers. Just clean yourselves and then put yourselves back in the cupboard until I'm ready to use you again. I'm talking to you soup bowl. I want my Mom to not have to work so hard. That woman works her ass off and doesn't get one-tenth of the credit she deserves. I also want her to find the contractors who worked on her house and kick them in the nuts. I want cereal that doesn't go stale. I either eat the entire box in one sitting, or half the box sits around and eventually goes stale. I want a box that'll sit in the cabinet until I want it and then be as fresh as the day it was made. I want my wife to know how beautiful she is. She's gorgeous and she doesn't know it. I want superpowers. Flying would be good. Invisibility would go a long way. I'd also like some super strength and telekinesis. I want to be a poker shark. I want to appear to be a terrible player and then hustle people out of millions of dollars. I want a self cleaning bathroom. If I can't have this I would also take a sexy topless 18 year old girl to clean it for me. I want the Yankees, NY Giants, and Villanova to all win titles in the same year. I hate the Giants but if all 3 teams won in the same year it would make my dad SO happy. I'd love that. I want a free cell phone with free minutes. I'm sick of paying all this money to talk to people. I want some banana pancakes. I'm hungry and they sound really good right now. I also want banana syrup. I want the fucking rain to stop. It's January, if it's going to do anything, it should snow. Mother Nature get your act together. I want to be the best looking man on earth. You had a good run Brad Pitt but now it's my turn. There's no shame in being second place to me. I want an indoor swimming pool with a bad-ass water slide. No, ten bad-ass water slides. And I don't want anyone to piss in the pool, ever. I want the right to park my car anywhere and anytime and everyone else just has to deal with it. It would make running errands so much easier for me. I want to get a haircut and have my hair stay that length until I decide otherwise. I'm sick of having to get it cut so often. I guess I'd rather have it this way than be bald though. I want bald people to stop wearing hair pieces and getting terrible hair plugs. You're not fooling anyone. And don't get mad if I stare. Of course I'm going to stare, it looks crazy. I want my own blimp. I'm afraid of heights and would probably never use it, but I want one just to say I have it. I want my own Zoo but all of the animals would be very friendly to me. Even the lions. I could just go to my Zoo and play with all of my animals. It wouldn't have snakes though. I hate snakes. I want a breakfast buffet in my home. And a really good chef to stock it for me. I want them to bring back the old G.I. Joe cartoon and have a channel that runs nothing but that. And maybe the Thunder Cats. I want all of my friends to get LARGE government grants to just hang out with me. Then we could actually see each other and not have stupid things like work and school stand in our way. I want more people to read my blog...so help me out and share it with anyone you'd think would read it (whether they'd like it or not). I want to stop writing now.