TODAY'S ATHLETES: BEING HELD TO "HIGH" STANDARDS
HIGH TIMES We are living through the end of the common steroid era. Until athletes (and those who aid them) can come up with creative new drugs, and creative new ways to beat the drug tests, it looks like we're in for a more level playing field than we've seen in recent years. There's still one small problem though, Athletes and majijuana. I get it. Athletes are all supposed to be on an even playing field. If one takes a substance that can make them run faster, jump higher, hit harder, or go longer than another athlete, it's unfair. But why are we so against them puffing a little mary jane? Who's the last runner you can think of that got really stoned and then won the gold in the 400 meters? How about the last baseball player to get really high before a game and then make a dazzling, diving catch in the outfield? The last football player to toke up before the big game and then remember what all those plays with the ridiculous names actually mean? Mind still blank? There's a reason for that. Aside from the obvious answer, that the average Spoon Full Of Truth reader is also, in most likelihood, a bit of a stoner themselves, there's a deeper one. Because no one, and I mean NO one, smokes, eats, or does anything with marijuana that gives them an advantage on the playing field. The track and field stoner? He stopped after 200 meters to grab a hot dog from the vendor in the nearby stands. The baseball pot-head? He was gonna make a great diving catch, but they were showing a far-out blooper reel on the fan-a-vision and he got distracted watching that. The football herbalist? He forgot where he was so he decided to take a quick cat nap on the sideline. So here's what I propose: First, all Philadelphia sports teams should not only allow, but encourage teams from other cities to puff that shit, pass that shit. We might as well get together as a city, roll about one million joints, and send a few to every professional athlete who plays for an opposing city's team. The higher they are when the game starts, the better. I don't care. If the Seahawks wanna smoke a bowl, in the huddle, during the fucking game...I say, let 'em. Maybe then they won't kick the Eagles asses 42-0 on Monday night. We should supply them with the weed, and a 20 foot hoagie to further distract them. Would you expect any less from the City of Brotherly Love? Secondly, if George Bush wants to send the message to the world that we're the biggest, baddest kid on the block, what better way to do it then by bringing home every single gold metal that the Olympics has to offer, for the old Red, White, and Blue? And what better way to do that than to throw a big extrava-ganja for all the world's athletes, and to supply them all with all the wacky tabacky they can handle? Because here in America we should send out the same message to the world about marijuana use for athletes, as we do about most other things we're firmly against: We're too high and mighty for that, but it's certainly good enough for the rest of you. YOU STAY OUT OF THE STANDS, WE'LL STAY OFF THE COURT So yet another NBA player went into the stands this week. This time it was Antonio Davis of the New York Knicks, the head of the NBA Players Association. Why'd he do it? He claimed he thought his wife was in danger and had to protect her. It seems fair. I would have done the same thing if my wife were in danger. But isn't this kind of thing preventable? Here are some suggestions that the NBA can feel free to adopt: First, any player who has a loudmouth, fight starting wife, should have to shell out some money to buy her a seat in a luxury box, away from the rest of the fans. That's right Antonio. Your wife has started shit before. If she can't handle other fans talking shit on her man, and feels the need to confront them about it, she shouldn't be sitting next to them. NBA fans spend a lot of money to attend games and like it or not, part of the experience is being able to declare your love (or hatred of) the players in the game. If I owned a restaurant, and my wife was eating in the dining room and overheard other customers saying that they thought the food sucked, I wouldn't expect her to start a threatening dialogue with them. As long as they paid their tab they could say whatever they wanted to about the place. Mrs. Davis might have flipped a table over and come to blows with the patrons for "dissin' her man's cuisine". Fuck that. My second suggestion is that players should be hit with the same fines for going into the stands, that fans get for going onto the court. If a fan walks out onto the court, he is all but tackled by security, the police, other fans, refs, coaches, players, anyone who thinks they can stop him. When a player goes into the stands, the same shit should happen. They should be tackled by as many people as it takes to subdue them, and they should be carted directly off to jail. Because the last time I checked, if nothing else, they weren't holding a ticket stub for a seat. That's grounds to remove anyone else from the building. Let's start holding players to the same standards. Look, no one wants to listen to someone talk shit on their spouse. But when your spouse is being paid MILLIONS and MILLIONS of dollars to play basketball, it's time to let it go. Sure you might over hear someone screaming "Davis sucks!" "Davis can't play worth shit!" and so what if they do? Do you think his coach is going to overhear the opposing fans screaming, suddenly realize the player does suck, and drastically reduce his playing time and salary? I think we all know the answer. So, until the NBA starts paying fans MILLIONS of dollars to keep their mouths shut, someone get Mrs. Antonio Davis and the rest of these head-case wives some ear plugs, and a fucking xanax. WORLD'S GREATEST HEARSAY WOMEN'S SPORTS QUOTES These quotes come to you live and mostly uncut from the wonderful women in my life (thanks ladies). The first, solidified the fact that you should not use an extra ticket to a baseball game (especially one very close to the field) to bring your mother to the game. I did just this a few years ago at a Phillies game and was lucky enough to be privy to this sports gem that my mother uttered while checking out Curt Shilling on the mound: "Doesn't it look like Schilling has a huge boner?" Thanks Mom. Good thing I had you there to point out the pitchers' erection to me. Otherwise I might have overlooked it and paid attention to something silly, like the score of the game. If you've ever been to, or seen footage of, a football game, you've probably seen a fan or two in the stands holding up some home made signs. Often one fan has a large cut out of the letter "D," and the second fan has a cut out picture of a white picket fence. Put them together and what have you got? That's right folks, D-FENCE (defense for the layperson). That is of course, unless you are my wife. She recently saw two fans holding up these exact signs and thought to ask me, "What is he holding up a gate for?" Yes honey, it's a gate. Because that makes much more sense than a fence. D-Gate! D-Gate! Hey as long as she's cheering for the right team, I should probably just be happy. Recently, while watching a college basketball game with the wife, I explained to her that the top 25 teams are ranked during the regular season, and at the end of the season, the top 64 teams go into a tournament to decide the college basketball champion. Little did I know, my wife already knew all about march madness, "Oh right, that's the NAACP tournament," She proudly declared. That's right sweetheart. Every march the top 64 teams in college basketball all compete to see who can make the most national advancements for colored people. This year I have my money on Alabama. They are LONG overdue. FUN WITH DICK AND MARY JANE Dubya is at it again. He claims that there isn't enough proof to verify that global warming exists (how is everyone on the East Coast enjoying their 60 degree January? I know I am). He claimed that there wasn't enough proof that the levees in New Orleans would fail, and therefore, could justify cutting funding to fortify them. He claimed there was proof of WMD in Iraq. He also claimed there was proof that they had a hand in planning 9/11. Here's some Dubya math for all of you scholars out there. Dick Cheney + "Yes George, I promise" = proof. If Dick tells Georgie that it's the truth, that's all the proof that dumb fuck needs. "No George, global warming doesn't exist, we can continue to pollute the globe and drill in Alaska," "Yes George, Saddam does have WMD's...he also called your daddy a poopy-head during the first Gulf War, let's attack him!" So my question is, what is Dick Cheney's problem with pot? The "proof" that Dubya uses to justify the illegality of marijuana is probably as factual as his "Bible stories, paint-by-number, story book" he is so fond of. God forbid the leaders of our country should actually read the FACTS about marijuana and make some decisions based on that. They're probably better off just relying on the data that all the nice christian folks have been supplying them with. After all, what do doctors know? The fact is, marijuana is almost harmless and its' benefits FAR outweigh its' damage. Pot SMOKE hurts people. Know why? Because inhaling fucking smoke hurts people! It's not because it's pot smoke, it's because it's smoke, period. If George Bush tore a page out of his precious bible, rolled that badboy up and smoked it, it'd be bad for him too. If pot was legal, people could cultivate fresh pot and do things like cook with it (a much healthier alternative to smoking it) which would vastly cut down on the damage to the lungs. You don't see Dick and George freaking out about cigarette smoking do you? That large campaign contribution from Philip-Morris to the GOP is probably just a coincidence. Next you'll tell me Bush and Cheney are in bed with the pharmaceutical companies too (yet another group of people who would "suffer" if their new, fancy, OVERpriced drugs were replaced by something you could grow at home). Until things change and we have some people in power who are more concerned with the well being of their countrymen than with where their next large campaign contribution is coming from, things are unlikely to change. In the meantime, the Bush Regime would like to remind those of you with Diabetes, Cancer, Glaucoma, Eating Disorders, Migraines, and other ailments that would be relieved by the use of marijuana, to go fuck yourselves. TAKE THAT CAROLINA PANTHERS As I watched the NFC Championship game Sunday night, and watched as the Seahawks beat down the Panthers en route to Superbowl XL, I couldn't help but smile. And why was I smiling? Because I hold onto a grudge like a New Orleanian does to a rooftop, far too long. Two years ago it was my beloved Eagles who were being picked to go to the Superbowl. They didn't. Why not? Because the fucking Carolina Panthers came strolling into town and beat us in our house. This was the game that made the Eagles front office realize that no matter how big a head-case T.O. was off the field, that we needed someone like him on it. And even though T.O. and the Eagles are about to part company, the marriage did produce a trip to the Superbowl. So, while I sat on my couch, eating doritos, and watching the despair on the faces of Panthers' players, it made me happy. Now they know how the Eagles felt two seasons ago while they gloated and celebrated on our field. And how does that feel? Pretty fucking bad I'd guess. At least now the Panthers are off of my shit list and I can go back to hating the real "axis of evil" teams like the Cowboys, Giants, Redskins, and Patriots (and yes you too Bucs, I haven't forgotten about you either). Until you give me another reason to hate you Carolina Panthers, you are officially no longer on my lengthy grudge list. Since you won't be playing in the big game, feel free to drop by and watch it at my place. You bring the beer. AND THE WINNER IS...Each and every one of you. Your prize? A big Spoon Full of Truth. To claim your prize, come back soon. Adios, from the Spoon.