DRINKING AND DRIVING

ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIGH There's this Coors beer commercial where this guy (Pete Coors) takes a stroll through, what it's safe to assume are the Rocky Mountains. He gazes into the camera and says something to the effect of "Some beer makers look out their window and see sky scrapers and buildings, (a smug pause as he admires the scenery) and some don't." Well, Pete, the last time I checked, your beer tastes like shit. And, not that I'm an expert of brewing beer or anything, but I didn't realize the view from the brewery window effected the flavor of the beer so much. Good thing I have top notch brewers like you to let me in on these industry secrets. I always thought the flavor came from other things, like...I don't know, ingredients? In my humble opinion, I think you might wanna spend a little less time staring out your windows and a little more time...oh I don't know...Fucking working on your beer??! Personally, I don't care if the brew master at my favorite brewery looks out on the Rockies, a city street, or two dogs fucking, as long as their beer doesn't taste like they just ate a bunch of Rocky Mountain snow and relieved themselves in one of the vats. I REALLY STICK IT THEM The new Coors Light commercial really lives up to the standard set by its' original Coors counterpart. The commercial is all this old footage of the past 39 Superbowls. Then they superimpose this big-ass, freezing cold train, carrying nothing but "Rocky Mountain Refreshment," over all of the sports footage. Whenever the train passes by, it shows fans in the stands, enjoying the action, and a cold Coors Light. Then, at the end, there is some babble about how fans have been enjoying Coors Light and the Superbowl for years and years. Hmmm? Why could that be? Because football fans usually have very high standards when it comes to the flavor of the beer they consume every Sunday in mass quantity? Normally when people think of football fans they think of their penchant for healthy eating and totally overlook their taste for a full bodied, great tasting, 80 calorie beer. Those guys get a bad rap. If that's not the reason football fans have been enjoying Coors Light and football together for so long, then what could it be? Couldn't have anything to do with the corporate partnership that Coors Light struck up with many of the venues in the NFL long ago. So that fans had no choice but to spend their eight bucks a beer on a cocktail of shit-beer and water. Nope. Couldn't have anything to do with that. I know that if I was the type of guy who was shelling out eight bucks for a beer, and it was gonna take me QUITE a few beers to get as loaded as most of these fans get, I'd have to convince myself that shit-beer tasted good too. Or I'd probably have a fucking heart attack thinking about it. I bet somewhere in a nice corporate board room (over looking the Rocky Mountains no doubt) there's a bunch of stock holders betting each other on how much they can possibly charge for a beer, making it taste as bad as possible, while still get people to buy it, and act like they don't care. I'd like to go force feed them all a big hand full of yellow Rocky Mountain snow. BIASED? WHO ME? There are those who will make the argument that I'm just hatin' on Coors because my last name is Miller. To those of you, I say, prove it. It's true Miller is the Champagne of Beers. It's true that it has a much more bold and manly name. A name that commands respect and awe whenever it is uttered. It's true that the Miller Brewing Company doesn't look out over the Rocky Mountains. It's true that Miller doesn't own a big, digital, silver train, that can travel back in time, to Superbowls past, to corner the market on football fans, in underhanded fashion. It's even true that, contrary to unsubstantiated Internet rumor, Pete Coors is not leaving his position at Coors to work full time on a "bad taste to high cost" ratio betting scheme for Miller stockholders. But none of these things could persuade a man of the truth, a man of such high journalistic integrity, a man like, me, from straying from the absolute truth, that Miller is just better than you Coors. I called it. Miller, the official beer of being better than Coors...and calling them out on it. Miller, good call. AND WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT It's not enough that I have to be insulted by the beer companies, now the car companies feel the need to insult me as well. In a new Jeep ad, a jeep is shown motoring through some tough outdoor terrain, while the Jeep announcer guy boldly states that Jeep can handle anything you can dish out. Right at the same instant the announcer is saying this, fine print appears at the bottom of the screen that says, "Professional driver on closed course. Do not attempt." So what's the message here Jeep? That your automobiles can take whatever a professional driver on a closed course can dish out? Sounds a little too rugged and outdoorsy for a city boy like myself. You crazy, think-outside-the-box, professional drivers, on your unpredictable closed courses, may enjoy risking your lives while pushing a fine motor vehicle like a Jeep to the limits of its' capabilities; but it sounds like too much car for a regular old guy like me to handle. What the fuck Jeep? Did you think you could put one over on me? Maybe the majority of Jeep owners aren't multitask efficient enough, to watch your commercial and read the fine print at the same time. Thankfully, the yellow Earth sun has given me special powers, enabling me to decipher the top-secret Jeep code. And what did I learn? Jeeps can't handle shit. Some advice: Jeep, get a new ad slogan and some cars that can actually handle serious off-road adventures. Guys with small dicks: Need to show the world just how small your penis is by driving a gas-guzzling, fine tuned, off-roading machine to your center city, high-rise office? At least George Bush still gives you a tax break for driving a Hummer. SFOTADD: SPOON FULL OF TRUTH AGAINST DRUNK DRIVERS Here at SFOTADD we are always striving to come up with new and creative punishments for drunk drivers. Whenever we are able to combine the suffering of drunk drivers, with good old fashioned fund raising, we feel it is our civic duty to do so. That's why this week only, live on pay-per-view, we are presenting: Drunk Driver Automobile Death Derby. First, we let all of our contestants spend three full hours in our "Open Bar, pre-race preparation" room! The booze-hound who can suck down the most hooch will win a five-second head start in the race. Then we load them all into seatbeltless cars, with one-star crash ratings, cut their brake lines, and let them zoom around an oil coated race track. The last one to successfully survive flying through the windshield (as an added bonus the folks at Folgers Coffee have secretly switching the windshield safety glass, with ordinary, and therefore more painful, regular glass) wins an all expense paid trip to Detroit, the motor city. Once there, they will spend six days, seven nights in a lovely burned out shell of a Ford Taurus in downtown Detroit. All the proceeds raised from the pay-per-view will go to the families of the victims, these monsters harmed while driving drunk. Stay turned next month when we blind fold more contestants and have them drive through a live land-mine field, backwards. SFOTADD: If you drink, and drive...we'll fuck you up. (No real drunk drivers were harmed in the writing of this story) JUST ANOTHER MANIC MONDAY WITH MY HOMEBOY JESUS Whether today finds you back at school, work, or happily unemployed, sitting at home on the couch, eating pop-tarts and watching The Price is Right in your underwear, I salute you. You readers of Spoon Full of Truth have begun another long week in the dark shadow of the Bush Regime as they try to answer the age old question: WWJDI? What Would Jesus Do If...he had the most powerful army in the world at his disposal? No system of checks and balances like an unbiased Congress, or a hard hitting, truth seeking, media? No accountability to the leaders of other powerful Nations who refuse to stand up to him? No opposing political party (with a bold name, something like The Superfriends, or The Democrats) who could find even one man or woman brave enough to stand up to him? He had a very lucrative oil deal between his family, his friends, and the leading families of other countries who house and fund the very terrorists he claims to be fighting a war against? He had two fat, drunken daughters who couldn't get a job, let alone a date, if their daddy didn't have an endless supply of political strings to pull? He could boldly break any law he wanted to, and could get away with it, because he claimed to be doing it all to protect his countrymen? Yes, as you sit at your job, in class, or at home on the sofa, the Bush Regime is working hard at answering these very questions. So the next time you find yourself searching hard for the answer to question you just can't seem to solve, be happy. Be happy that your leaders have put aside silly, meaningless things, like healthcare, the environment, equality, education, and privacy, to deal with the real question that burns so hotly inside each and every one of us: WWJDI? GOT A FEVER? If you're ill as can be from the sickning, infectious lies of the mainstream media, come back soon for another Spoon Full Of Truth. It's good for what ails 'ya.