FOREFATHERS LACKED FORESIGHT

CIRCUMCISING CITY GOVERNMENT Atop Philadelphia's City Hall building, sits a statue of William Penn. In one hand he holds a parchment. In the other, a scroll. Seems harmless, right? Looks can be deceiving. The drive up the Ben Franklin Parkway is a beautiful one. The Parkway starts by the historic Philadelphia Museum of Art, winds past the famed Franklin Institute, weaves its way around Logan Circle, and ends at Love Park (home to the LOVE statue, the most copied piece of sculpture in the entire world, according to my unsubstantiated sources) near the base of City Hall. What better way to showcase the centerpiece of Philadelphia City Government then with a beautiful drive up a long, winding parkway, which ends on the doorstep of this marvelous building. As drivers make their way up the Parkway, they can't help but notice the superior architecture of City Hall (until recent years, a law in Philadelphia prohibited any building from being taller than City Hall, making it really stand out amongst the other buildings) and take notice of the statue on top. And what's that he's holding in his hand? Is that...his penis? It sure looks that way. From any other direction it is clear that what William Penn is holding in his right hand is a scroll. Due to a small lack in foresight however, from the parkway, it looks like he's got a big old hand full of one-eyed trouser snake. Here's the problem, his right hand, is level with his crotch. The end of the scroll which sticks out the back of his hand is blocked by his body in the parkway view. Therefore, it looks like he's holding his hand level with his crotch, and has a penis shaped article sticking out of his hand. You do the math. Whose planning was this? What brilliant city planner thought it would be wise to welcome people to this beautiful city with a giant statue of a masturbating Quaker? No one conscientiously objected to that? I know they are into the whole "make love, not war" thing but isn't this taking it a little too far? This is, after all, the city of brotherly love; but that doesn't mean that we're so comfortable with one another that we should all just take out our dicks and play with them in public. The statue should at least have a giant condom on it. What better way to promote safe sex amongst the city's Quaker youth? "William Penn wraps it up, and so should you!" Philadelphia is a great city. I just wish that when planning city hall, our forefathers had used a little more foresight in keeping William Penn's foreskin in his pants. WEDDING "DRESS" CODE I guess it's just that time in life when everyone starts getting married. Whether it be coincidence or not, within the last two years, myself, and many of my friends, have gotten engaged or married. I have no complaints with that. I'm in love, my friends are in love, what could possibly bother me about all of these weddings? I'll tell you what. The dress code. For guys it's easy. I wore a tux to my friend Dan's wedding. I wore the same tux to each of my weddings (yes, we had two). I'm planning on wearing it to three more weddings this year. My wife however, does not wear the same dress to each wedding. Women, it seems, have the need the wear a new dress to each and every wedding they go to. To be fair, weddings to women are special events, the beginning of a new life; they like to dress up. For guys, a wedding is more like a funeral, an end to their friends' days as a bachelor (making an all black tux appropriate). I guess it would be like me wanting to buy a new football jersey for every game I went to. I'm gonna have to run that one by the Mrs. With many weddings already on my calendar for 2006, it really got me thinking. Thank god I have a hot wife. I really don't think I could justify my wife buying a new dress for every one (or at least most) of these wedding celebrations, if she didn't look killer in them. To all you guys out there with busted (ugly) wives, fat girlfriends, or just unattractive dates, I'm sorry. Life must be rough for you. If my wife was ugly, and kept wanting to buy a new dress for each wedding we attended, I don't think I could handle it. "But baby, why buy a new dress? You're not gonna look any better in it than you did in the last one...how about I get you a double cheeseburger instead?" There are some advantages to buying new dresses all the time, even if your woman does look like she just went ten long rounds in an ugly fight, right? I mean, I guess if I had to eat the same shitty food for dinner every night, it would still make sense to serve it on different plates to change it up a little. It might not taste any better, but variety is the spice of life. So to all you men bringing ugly women to weddings, I salute you. You spend all that money on your woman for a dress that probably doesn't even look good. That takes balls. All the same, I'm thankful my wife is a fox. Every dollar that goes towards her clothing is money well spent. I just wish that for the next wedding I could get her a dress that not only looked good, but played Sportscenter highlights across her tits. That would be a marriage of two truly great things. I CAN'T KEEP ACTING LIKE I CARE I can't take it anymore. Every single year I have to hear about the fucking academy awards. Worse yet, I have to listen to all of the people who actually care about them. They care about what the movie stars are wearing, who's nominated for what award, and who actually wins. Why? These actors get paid millions of dollars to act in a movie. Then they borrow designer clothes and jewelry and parade down a red carpet. Then we give them fucking awards for it? I have a better idea. Why don't we get all these actors together every year and vote for the WORST movies and worst acting jobs in Hollywood? Then, everyone who has a ticket stub for that movie gets their money back. Now that I'd watch. I'm sick of this thinking that we should award movie stars. If some actor does a stunning portrayal of a doctor who finds the cure for AIDS, does it really cure AIDS? If an actress takes on the role of being a a slave in the 1800s, doesn't she still go home to her big-ass mansion where her servants are no doubt waiting to attend to her every need? These people entertain us. Sure it's a nice distraction to go sit in a movie for two hours (unless you're looking for a distraction from the fact that movie's cost too damn much) but at the end of the movie has your life really changed that much? How about awards for the best teachers? Or the firefighter awards? Do we have those? Maybe. But they don't get a three-hour prime time block on the networks. To make it worse, we now have the Golden Globes, Oscar's annoying little sister. One award show was bad enough. If you really wanna make it exciting, how about everyone that gets nominated for a Golden Globe, and doesn't win, has to fight to the death. Now that's suspense. And how about the fact that all of these movie stars get gift bags for attending these award shows and they are filled with thousands of dollars worth of free shit? I have friends who are teachers who get so little funding that they have to shell out their own money just to get supplies for their classroom. And we're gonna give freebies to movie stars? Fuck that. If these thespians really want to play the role of a lifetime, one of them should try acting like they have a brain, or a heart, and instead of giving gift bags to themselves, they should turn the whole award show into a fund raiser and donate the money to some worth while cause. With that unlikely to happen, I'm just going to act like the Oscars don't exist. Please join me. I CONTINUE MY ASSAULT ON CORPORATE AMERICA Today's victim: Long John Silvers. I've never actually eaten at a Long John Silvers. To be honest, I'm not sure I've ever even seen one. I'll go out on a limb here and say it's something like Taco Bell for seafood. Sounds about as appealing as fucking your cousin (Long John Silvers must do really well in West Virginia). Long John Silvers has a current TV ad where they show you their new .99 cent fish sandwich. Then some guy eats it actually appears to enjoy it (he should get an early Oscar nod for next year). Then they flash their catchy new slogan. "Yarr, Genius" Genius? If inventing the cheapest fish sandwich in existence, gained you acceptance into MENSA, I'd be in the kitchen right now with a loaf of bread, a fish, and my calculator. Okay, maybe in the fishing and pirate communities, this kind of thing passes for genius. But not here at Spoon Full Of Truth. You want to be a genius? Invent a fish sandwich that cures the bird flu. Genius? Please. Well, maybe I should reconsider. You have found a way to make a fish sandwich so cheaply that you can charge .99 cents and still turn a profit. And, you have persuaded enough people to buy the thing to keep you in business. Maybe you are a genius. You certainly look like MacArthur Fellow when compared to a person who has no qualms about eating a fish sandwich that they purchased with coins from their sofa. It's a good reminder for all of us. No matter how stupid you may be, there's always someone else out there that can make you look like a genius. THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF NESTOR AND BLINKY When my brother and I were young kids, we used to play this game with my father. We pretended we were two young adventure seekers named Nestor and Blinky. My father our arch nemesis, the evil Jay Fanyal. With my brother Blinky we got into all sorts of adventures and thwarted the plots of Jay Fanyal. Often times we would pretend that our living room couch was a raft and that the oriental rug on which it sat was a body of water. Blinky and I would travel down the river and Jay Fanyal, often disguised as a curious crocodile, would attack from the confines of the water, dragging one of us down into the depths, only to be saved at the last second by the cunning team work of his brother. On our own, one of us was not able to ward off the attack (often tickle-based) of the more powerful Jay Fanyal. As a team, Nestor and Blinky always found a way to escape his evil clutches. As we got a little older we played the game less and less. Eventually, we stopped playing all together. Sometimes I still get the feeling that Jay Fanyal is out there, waiting to attack when we least expect it. If that day ever comes, and Blinky and I are forced to make our return, I know together, we can be triumphant once again. CAN I INTEREST YOU IN SOME COFFEE OR DESSERT? Tonight's special? Double chocolate mousse cake, served with a Spoon Full of Truth. This one's on the house. ***Like what you've seen so far at SPOON FULL OF TRUTH? Think I am a complete moron? Have some other feedback? Tell me about it! Spoonfulloftruth@aol.com ***