DON'T PATRONIZE ME

DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT CORPORATE AMERICA, YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER Excedrin has a current television commercial where this girl tells you Excedrin works in 30 minutes and if you have migraines you know how quick that is. Yeah, I have migraines, and when you have migraines, you already know Excedrin works. Stop fucking with me. Excedrin, it works, you know it works, we know that you know it works, so we're gonna patronize you because we can, and we know you'll still buy it. You know what? We're raising the price too, and if you have migraines you know how much that sucks. The patronizing didn't stop there. Lowe's has a commercial where the announcer says "we have a kitchen to fit your budget." Really? my budget? What exactly does a kitchen that fits MY budget look like? What are you going to sell me? A hot plate? If I pay you $20 you'll let me come cook on one of the floor models in the store after closing? I guess you never said you had a kitchen that fit my budget that I could use in my own home. Maybe I misunderstood. Haines has this big TV ad featuring celebrities. "Look who we've got our Haines on now," they say. Ok great. Michael Jordan wears your T-shirts and briefs because you pay him to. It doesn't mean they are comfortable or well made. I'm sure some white trash guy in some trailer park in Florida is wearing a Haines T-shirt with yellow arm pits and briefs riddled with holes and skid marks right now. I don't care who you've got your Haines on. If you want to get them on me, try telling me something about them and not just who you paid to wear them. BILL DIDN'T INHALE, BUT MAYBE HILARY DID We all remember Bill Clinton's famous line that he smoked pot, he just didn't inhale. First of all, I don't care if he did inhale. He was the best president we'll ever see in my life time. The guy can smoke whatever he wants. Bush wants to put people on the Supreme Court to overturn Roe vs. Wade. I want someone who will overturn the ruling that Clinton can only serve two terms. I say, put a crown on the guy's head and call him King of America. With that unlikely to happen, we turn to the next logical Clinton, Bill's wife, Hilary. Would Hilary make a good president? Maybe. She certainly wouldn't be any worse than the clown we have in office now. I'm sure she'd choose a better VP than Cheney. I don't think she'd shoot anyone in the face (we all saw what happened to Bill when he shot his load into someone's face, evidently only Republican's can get away with that). There is one thing about Hilary that worries me though. In her book, she claims that she never knew that Bill was cheating on her. She never knew? Really? What was she smoking at the time? I know blind and deaf people that knew Bill was cheating on her. If you can add one and one together, you knew. But Hilary didn't? That means one of two things. Either, A) she's a liar and she knew all along (which I hope is the case), or B) she is so oblivious to her surroundings that she's either high on something, or retarded. I can handle a liar as my next president. I have been well groomed for such a thing over the course of my life. They've all lied to some degree. I'm over it. But a retarded or completely oblivious president? Is that really a good idea? Dubya is the worst President for America, but he's not retarded like everyone says he is. He knows what he's doing. He's putting the good of his friends and family before the good of the country and the American public. The man has no soul. Yeah he lies about it, but if you have half a brain you can see right through him. Hilary, you wanna run for President? You want my vote? You got it. But don't patronize me and tell me you didn't know Bill was cheating. Or, if you do, don't be surprised when I claim I didn't know I was supposed abide by laws or pay taxes. SPEAKING OF MY TAX DOLLARS Dubya has been putting all of our tax dollars to great use hasn't he? Forget planning for the future, let's just spend all the money we can right now. Billions for a war? No problem. Billions more to send probes into outer space? No problem. Educating the nation's youth? Eh, Bush obviously wasn't educated and look how far he made it. Health care? We don't need to spend on health care. Everyone just agree to do something patriotic for your country and don't ever get sick or injured ok? An ounce of prevention goes a long way. And what about all the homeless people we have in the U.S.? That's easy. With the thousands and thousands of people we're letting just stroll over the border from Mexico, there must be some dwellings that they left behind in Mexico. Why not just let our homeless live there? I guess as long as we're just letting in all the people who want to steal our jobs, and not blow them up, Bush sees it as a victory. Well done George. And just to clear things up, when Bush says "defense budget" he doesn't mean defense from silly things like category 4 hurricanes, he means defense from people who hate him. Hey, here's a good idea for the defense budget, pay one of those illegal Mexican guys five dollars to take Cheney's shotgun away from him. I feel safer already. It also might be wise if we spent sometime focusing on the countries who have nuclear weapons, and not just wandering around in the desert looking for "nuke-u-ler" ones. At least Bush didn't patronize me there. He said we were going looking for "nuke-u-ler" weapons. Who knows, maybe he found some in Iraq. KILLING ME SWIFTLY There are laws against committing suicide. Of course, if you succeed in doing it, they really can't hold you accountable. If you don't succeed, they lock you up and try to run your life for you. But the law really doesn't say people can't kill themselves. It says people can't kill themselves in a timely manner. You can't swallow a handful of pills. You can't blow your brains out. But the government has no problem with people killing themselves over time. Smoking cigarettes kills people. Eating McDonald's kills people. And we all know it. As I walked around the city today I saw many people slowly killing themselves one drag at a time. I watched people lining up at McDonald's to clog their arteries one bite at a time. What I didn't see was a bunch of orderlies with straight jackets lining up to take them away to the psych ward when they finished eating. So why is our government okay with slow, drawn out death? Does it have something to do with our lack of a healthcare system? If we had universal health care, a slow death would cost our government a hell of a lot more money than a quick one. Where do you draw the line? Who decides what methods are acceptable for a person ending their own life and which aren't? Why can Dick Cheney shoot someone in the head and it's ok, but a person who puts a gun to their own head and pulls the trigger is committing a crime? I WON THE GOLD MEDAL IN APATHY Who cares about the Olympics anymore? I certainly don't. Personally, I don't care if the U.S. wins every gold medal or none of them. Half the fun of sports competition (especially to those not competing) is trash talking. Who am I supposed to talk trash to when some guy from the U.S. wins the gold in speed skating? All the people I know from Russia, China, or Sweden? Oh that's right, I don't know any. Maybe we should start allowing the medal winners to wipe their asses with the flags from the losing countries during the medal ceremony. That would spice things up a bit. Let's say for a minute that the U.S. did win every gold medal. Then what? I'm supposed to have a strong sense of American pride. To anyone who doesn't support President Cheney, excuse me, Bush, U.S. pride is about as rare these days as Michael Jackson appearances at the Playboy mansion. We beat every other country in downhill skiing so we must be a great country. Forget all that unjust war crap. Forget the suffering of millions of Americans here at home. We've got a medal that says we're the best. Isn't that the true American way? How about instead of competing in meaningless events like figure skating, all the countries in the world can compete to see who can eradicate the most poverty. I'd actually be proud if we won that. These athletes act like it's a great honor to be able to represent the U.S. in the Olympics. I don't think it's an honor in any way to represent this country anymore. Last time I went to Europe I even told people I was Canadian. Why? Because the rest of the world views us as a bunch of pompous assholes. A president doesn't just help run a country, he is the face of that country. The face of our country? One bush, one dick, and until he resigned, a colon. I'd say that when it comes to looking like a bunch of dicks to the rest of world, we've already won the gold. PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT You've all gotten quite good at reading my blog but isn't it time to work on you sharing skills? It only takes a minute to forward this blog to someone else. They might not thank you, I might not thank you (directly), but you'll feel better about yourself and that's what's really important. Please, share the truth. See you all soon. As always, suggestions or ideas can be sent to: spoonfulloftruth@aol.com