DUBYA, FEAR FACTOR, AND MULLETS...OH MY!

LOVE THY PRESIDENT I got a recent email here at Spoon, Full of Truth that suggested that I am too hard on George Bush and that he's done good things and there is some good in every person. It really got me thinking and I decided that maybe I have been too hard on him. I sat down and thought about the ten things I really love the most about Dubya. Here they are. THE TOP 10 REASONS THAT I LOVE BUSH: 10. He loves freedom, who doesn't love freedom? 9. my IQ scores look really impressive when compared to the President's. 8. He went to Yale which made me realize I could buy my kid an Ivy League education if I have enough money, regardless of his intelligence. 7. He's always inventing new words for me to learn. 6. He taught me that the popular vote is meaningless. 5. He cares about the children (and always makes sure that they IS learning) 4. I own stock in Duct Tape. 3. Who wants to go to a beautiful place like Cuba anyway? 2. His cabinet appealed to my childish sense of humor (Bush, Dick, and Colon...you can't make stuff like this up) 1. He constantly gives me new fodder for this blog. So to all you readers out there that though I was being too hard on President Bush, I hope this helps you to realize that I really can see the good in him (the proverbial needle in the haystack). REAL REALITY TELEVISION Fear factor makes me sick. It shouldn't be called Fear Factor. It should be called "Shame Factor". How much money is it going to take for you to eat maggots, or cow penis on television? I'm not afraid of eating cow penis, I just think it's disgusting. It won't kill you. I'm afraid of someone forcing me to eat it, but that isn't the case on the show. They always have a choice. If they want to combine real fear with a dose of reality, here are some good ideas. How about hunting with Dick Cheney? Every fifteen minutes they all take another shot of whiskey. And these people aren't even his friends. Or how about riding out a Hurricane in New Orleans with George Bush as President? They could have a whole Real World style house, full of people, and hurricane season lasts a full six months or so. Who will make it the longest before they flee? This week, on FOX, we take 10 American contestants without health insurance and give them all severe illnesses. Whomever lives the longest gets a million dollars and health insurance for the rest of their life. Will they be able to cover the obscenely high costs of their treatment and medications? Tune in to find out. I would also tune in to watch a show about Cowboys and Giants fans who come cheer for their team in sports bars in South Philadelphia when they are playing the Eagles. Last one to get beat up wins season tickets to their team. You want fear? How about taking ten Jewish contestants and ten gay contestants and making them all move to small towns in the bible belt? Jesus saves? I wouldn't bet on it. All of those shows would put fear into the contestants. Giving someone the option to eat brains, testicles, or bugs for money isn't an issue of fear, it's an issue of buying their dignity. ICE HOCKEY VS. MADRID: BATTLE FOR MULLET SUPREMACY A mullet by any other name is still a mullet. You know the haircut right? Short top, long back. The hockey player haircut. The yup-nope ("little off the top?" "Yup" "little off the back?" "nope"). It's almost like halfway through their haircut these guys noticed a sign that says "haircuts $10" and realized they only had a five. In the states, this haircut is consider something of a white-trash style. No one rocks the mullet and is proud of it unless they also rock Nascar T-shirts and drink 40's of Bud and are proud of those traits as well. In Canada, hockey players, and wannabe hockey players, rock the mullet, but for them it's accepted. Being good at hockey in Canada will allows you to get away with any number of other shortcomings (like fashion sense). Citizens of Madrid however, take the mullet to a whole new level. My brother and my friend Alex had warned me about the mullet scene in Madrid, but I still wasn't prepared for what I saw in my time there. These guys had well groomed fashion mullets. Now when I say fashion, I mean in the sense that they put in work on their hair despite their hairstyle. These guys obviously paid to have their hair cut that way because they like it, not because they lacked the funds for a proper haircut. They also applied a good deal of hair products to their mullets. They were gelled, spiked, teased, and dyed. They were groomed mullets. The chicks over there seemed to dig the mullet on their men as well. In the states, if you see a good looking girl dating a guy with a mullet, it's a safe bet that they are cousins. Not so in Madrid. I don't know what is worse. Having a mullet and not caring. Or having a mullet because you DO care about your appearance. At least here, when I get sick of looking at bad hair, I can just concentrate on the goal scoring and hard checking of hockey. UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN That's the end of the line for today folks. The Spoon is still looking for guest writers so please contact me if interested. Until next time, rock the archives, share the link, and spread the truth.