A heavy dose of truth, humor, and political activism.

Location: Phila, Pennsylvania, United States

Monday, March 13, 2006


GET READY FOR A SMORGASBORD OF TRUTH, THE SPOON IS BACK After two weeks of vacation the Spoon, Full of Truth is back! Sorry it's taken me so long to post but it just wasn't feasible from Madrid. Expect many new posts (and stories from Spain) in the coming weeks. Let's get to it. YOUR MOMMA'S SO OLD, SHE COUGHS DUST I hate long flights. The cramped space, the crappy service, the horrible food; it's enough to make you want to step out into mid-air at 30,000 feet. I got to the airport in Madrid three hours before my flight home to Philadelphia and checked my baggage. I proceeded to my terminal to do a little last second Duty-free shopping and to grab a bite to eat. After sitting around for about 2 hours, I was able to board the plane for my ten hour flight home. Right away, I knew I was in for a treat. The plane was a 2-3-2 format. Two seats, an aisle, three seats, another aisle, and finally, two more seats. I was seated in the window seat with an open seat next to me. A couple, easily in their seventies if not older, sat in the two seats in front of me. The woman, seated directly in front of me, began coughing as soon as she sat down. Big, dry, hacking coughs, the kind I suspect only old people are capable of. Maybe she just had a dry throat and needed a drink. Maybe not. She coughed as we pulled away from the gate. She coughed as we taxied across the runway. She coughed as we took off. The plane was pretty full. There was an empty seat here and there, but most of them were in the middle of the three seaters, which is the worst seat on the plane. Or so I thought. After about twenty minutes in the air, and forty or so more coughs, the old man got up, gathered his things, kissed his wife, and moved to another seat. Obviously she was wearing on his nerves as well. For the next five hours I listened to this old bag cough and cough and cough. Never once did she consider covering her mouth. Some old ladies give you candy, some give you germs. I tried to ignore it, I really did. I watched the crappy movie, I ate the crappy food, I watched a second crappy movie. Then, it hit me. I was starting to get congested. My eyes itched. I was getting warm. This bitch's illness was invading my body. From that point on I just couldn't let it go. Every cough brought either a dry remark, "it must be hard when you're so old that you can't even move your hand to cover your mouth when you cough", or a light kick to the back of her seat. She was not persuaded to stop. When the flight finally landed at the gate, I collected my things and my newly acquired germs, flashed her and her husband some less than friendly looks, and de-boarded. The worst was over. Wrong again. USAIR-HEADS After about fifteen minutes at the baggage carousel, the luggage from Madrid began to arrive. I had checked two bags through. A small red suitcase, and a large hiking backpack. After a minute or two, the suitcase arrived. I waited for the backpack. More and more bags came, and as they did, less and less people remained at the carousel. Finally, I was standing their alone. The screen claimed that the bags were done unloading. My backpack had not arrived. I talked to a lady in a blue blazer with some official looking badges and she told me she was very sorry and I could fill out a form online when I got home. When I finally arrived home, I filled out the form and went to sleep. The next morning around 8:30 AM, my phone rang. I awoke, congested and sick, and answered it. "Can I please speak with Mr. D. Miller?" the voice requested. I informed him that he already was. "Mr. Miller, this is USAIR, are you missing anything?" "Yes, a backpack of mine was lost on my flight back from Madrid yesterday" "I see," he replied. "Could you explain to us then what it was doing located outside of the American Airlines terminal?". I didn't appreciate his line of questioning."Um, could you explain to ME, what my bag was doing outside of the American Airlines terminal?" "Mr. Miller it is against airport regulations to leave bags, unattended, outside of the terminals". "I guess you're going to have to fire someone then, that's too bad". He paused, and then continued with his questions, "What did you do when your bag didn't arrive, Mr. Miller?" "I informed an official looking woman that my bag was missing and she told me that I should fill out something online when I got home," I told him. "That is not proper USAIR procedure and we have no record of you filing a report online. Could you tell me what the woman looked like?" Losing my bag and then questioning where it was found evidently wasn't good enough, now he had to question my word. "Is it proper USAIR procedure to lose luggage? I was a little more concerned with my lost bag then with the appearance of your staff. She was wearing a blazer, it had some badges of some sort on them, I think she had blonde hair," I paused. "Did I mention YOU lost my bag? I'm sure I did. Did I mention that it had my house keys in it and I was forced to break into my own apartment when I got home...do you want to question me about that too? It might not have been proper apartment building procedure." He finally began to see that we were going to get nowhere if he continued to accuse me of anything other than being more than patient with USAIR. "So you have my bag now?" I asked him. "Yes that is correct Mr. Miller". "Do you think I could get it back now?" He confirmed with me my address and phone number (and even managed to get the phone number wrong despite the fact that he had called me) and told me it would be delivered to me later that afternoon. He asked if there was anything else I needed. I was tempted to tell him that I was an avid collector of idiot's signatures, and if he could please send me his, it would instantly become my most treasured one, but I let it go. It was obvious that early on in his career he had checked his people skills through to this job, and they had never arrived. LET THE MADNESS BEGIN With the NCAA tournament set to kick off this Thursday, I would just like to send out some well wishes to the Villanova Wildcats in their attempt to bring home a second NCAA title. This is a special Wildcat's team and I have no doubt that if they play the same style of basketball that they have played all season, that they can beat any team in the country. V for Villanova! V for Victory! DO YOUR PART Share this link and the Spoon, Full of Truth with everyone you know. Read (and even re-read) the posts in the archives. Your friends will thank you and I'll sing your praises. Until next time...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

YO Spoon- welcome back to you and Kotter. Next time I fly the friendly skies , I will definitely take along some coughdrops to make sure I do not suffer the same pain that you did.
As a Philadelphian , I support your call for Villanova to hace a successful run in the NCAA tournament.I wish the Penn Quakers the same, but I don't think they can win unless Texas plays George W Bush.

March 13, 2006 12:39 PM  

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