A heavy dose of truth, humor, and political activism.

Location: Phila, Pennsylvania, United States

Wednesday, April 19, 2006


YOU ARE OFFICIALLY ON NOTICE I know it's wrong to stereotype one group of people or another. I feel that there is an exception to this. I have no problem grouping people together based on a behavior that they all share. Further more, I have no problem calling these people out. Today I will begin the first installment of Spoon, Full of Truth: You've made The List. Just like making Dubya's To Do List (pictured above), making this list is not an accomplishment. These people and their behavior bother me so much that I can not stay silent any longer. The following groups of people are now officially on The List (in no particular order).
1. People who snore when they are awake. Look, it's bad enough that you probably keep your spouse awake at night but spare the rest of us. I spent my lunch hour yesterday in a quiet cafe sitting next to a woman who was reading the paper and snoring. Every time she breathed I wanted to hold her nose shut. I know people who make their spouse sleep in a different room because they snore too loudly while they sleep. Do people like this have to live in a seperate house all the time? Do you think they only snore when they are awake? Get yourself some breathe right strips people. 2. People who don't control their children in public. If your children don't know how to behave, leave them at home. These two little kids sitting at a table near me today were screaming and jumping up and down and making way too much noise. Their mother, eventually, hollered at them. "Keep it down, I don't want to hear it!" You don't want to hear it? They are your kids! How do you think the rest of us feel? I'm sure I want to hear it a whole lot less than you do. There's a reason I don't have kids yet. I don't want to put up with them. I certainly don't want to put up with your hyper active little ones. Give them some ritalin, put a muzzle on them, I don't care. I know it's considered child abuse these days to smack your own kids but maybe it should be legal for someone else to do it, someone needs to. 3. Snooty Coffee Shop employees. If I order a large coffee, just smile and bring me a large coffee. I don't care what fancy, stupid name you give it. "You mean a Grande coffee sir?" Did I ask for a Grande coffee? I said large. If you're smart enough to brew the coffee you should be smart enough to shut your hole and serve it. I refuse to play your over-priced-coffee-with-stupid-names-for-the-sizes mind games. Otherwise I'm going to start paying for my four dollar coffee in pennies and make you stand there while I count them out one at a time. I come to get coffee to keep from getting a headache, not so I can get a bigger one. 4. People who stand in a long line to order food (or another product) and don't think about what they want before they get to the front of the line. You've just been standing in line for twenty minutes like the rest of us. You couldn't have taken thirty seconds out of your busy waiting schedule to decide what you want to order? The other day I went to get some water ice (it's like Italian ice, only better, for those of you not from the Philly area) and this woman and her kids get to the front of the line after about ten minutes and only then does she start asking them what they want. If you get to the front of the line, and you're not ready to order, you should have to go to the back of the line. Better yet, you should have to pay for whatever I order. Time is money, and I'm paying for every minute of my life that you waste because you can't think five minutes ahead. These people act like it didn't even cross their mind to consider what they might like until they've reached the very front of the line. Maybe they just need a separate line for idiots. 5. Video store employees that think they are movie critics. You aren't movie critics. I give you my money, you give me my movie. You operate a cash register. You're like a cash machine that gives out movies. I don't ask the ATM for financial advice, "Excuse me ATM, how much money would you recommend that I withdraw today?" I just tell it how much money I want and it gives it to me. You're just there to bring me the movie I ask for. I don't want your opinion of the movie, or any other movie, unless I ask you for it. I don't ask the people at McDonald's what they suggest I order, "Do you think I'd enjoy the Big Mac or McNuggets better?" You know why? Because they don't know me. They don't know what I'd like better. They know what they like better, and I could care less what that is. So please, when I tell you what movie I want, don't comment on it, don't suggest something I'd like better, just bring me the movie I asked for. Why do you think I'd like your movie better, because you like it better? Maybe I'd like working in a video store better than my job too, but I doubt it. You clowns get two thumbs down. 6. Fat people who wear regular sized clothes. Yes, technically, fat people have the right to wear whatever they want just like the rest of us. But if good looking women with nice firm breasts can't walk around topless, then I don't see why I should have to look at 300 pound women trying to squeeze into a spandex belly shirt. What's really more indecent? News flash: They make fat people clothes for fat people! Have you ever seen a 120 pound woman put on a size 18 dress? Looks stupid right? Way too big. It works the other way too tubby. If you're fat, fine, be fat. But for the love of god, buy proper sized attire. Trust me. If they intended everyone to wear the same size clothing, there would be only one size. If you want to wear a size 6, hit the gym and become a size 6. Just because you can squeeze your big fat as into it, doesn't mean it fits. This goes for guys too. They make the XL shirts for a reason. If it's stretched skin tight over your beer gut, it might be time for an upgrade. Let me make it simple. Just apply the same wisdom you use for your fast food orders to your clothing, and super size it. 7. People who think they are cool because they play their car stereo so loudly that deaf people can hear it. It's bad enough that the people you are driving around have to listen to your crappy music. I don't want to hear it. If I wanted to hear other people's music I'd go to a club. Turn it down. Yes it makes people take notice and look at you but I'm going to let you in on a secret...they aren't saying "Hey look at that cool guy with the really loud stereo!" What they are saying is something to the effect of, "Interesting, I didn't know you could over compensate for such a small penis with such loud, obnoxious music." If you want to play music for other people, get some turntables and become a DJ. I know you aren't playing the music that loud because you can't hear it otherwise. You just need attention. For my sake, just put a big neon sign on the roof of your car that says, "HEY EVERYONE, LOOK AT ME, I'M COOL!" and spare my ears. That's going to do it for the first installment of The List. If you didn't make it this week, don't worry, there's unlimited space and chances are, I'll get to you sooner or later. TAMIFLU IS FOR THE BIRDS Remember the bird flu? The one that was supposed to be a global pandemic? It was discovered almost ten years ago in Vietnam and since that time it has killed 100 people, world wide. That hasn't stopped the U.S. government from buying up Tamiflu, the alleged remedy for Avian Flu. In July (according to Fortune Magazine), the Pentagon ordered 58 million dollars worth of Tamiflu for U.S. troops all over the world. Too bad it doesn't also double as body armor. Congress is now considering a multi-billion dollar purchase of Tamiflu. Who owns Tamiflu and stands to profit from all of the increased sales? Halliburton? Good guess, but no. It is however, a company that one of Dubya's boys is very closely connected to. Tamiflu is produced by Roche and owned by Gilead. In the past year, shares of Gilead have increased by over twelve dollars a share. Good news for Donald Rumsfeld. That's right folks, the Secretary of Defense owns a stake in Gilead worth somewhere between five and twenty-five million dollars (and growing). Let me paint you a picture. Donald Rumsfeld is the Secretary of Defense, the Pentagon orders millions and millions of dollars worth of Tamiflu, and the more Tamiflu that's sold, the more money Rumsfeld makes. And where is the money in the defense budget come from? Tax payers perhaps? Who set this up for him, Barbara Bush? Former Secretary of State George Shultz (a board member at Gilead) has sold more than 7 million dollars worth of his stock since 2005. Another board member is the wife of former California Governor Pete Wilson. "I don't know of any biotech company that's so politically well-connected," says analyst Andrew McDonald of Think Equity Partners in San Francisco. 100 people have died since this disease was discovered a decade ago. Despite this fact, the U.S. government feels the need to buy up a ton of Tamiflu (which hasn't even fully proven to be effective against Avian Flu) and as can be expected, Bush's friends stand to make money on the deal, while tax payers take a hit. Sound like a bird-brained use of money? Not for the Turkeys in the Bush Regime. IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE, NO! IT'S SPOON MAN! Good thing we all own some stock in the company that produces the remedy for lies and propaganda. That's right, the Spoon is producing the only known cure, The Truth. Consider yourself protected. If we can spread this cure to as many people as possible, we might be able to stop the pandemic known as the Bush Regime. Check back soon for another dose and if you know someone that has been effected, direct them to the Spoon, Full of Truth, to get their medicine.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I nominate myself for the list for people who tell you they've got a surprise for you but won't tell you what it is. Or give it to you.

April 19, 2006 4:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love the list.I totally agree with you about those schmucks in the coffee shop who must think "Starbucks" is a separate language.I don't want a Berlitz lesson when I order my cup of coffee. Just give me my small black coffee. If you can't figure out how to do it, then quit.Great list Spoon. Keep them coming.

April 19, 2006 4:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Register my vote for # 4 on your list. I hate being in a long ffodline and finally making it to the front only to have the morons in front of me go into a retirement mode when they are asked for their order.Not only should they have to go to the back of the line for being indecisive, but they should be pelted with food by everyone who was forced to wait while these yoyos decide if they will have the quarter pounder with cheese or the fish filet sandwich.

April 20, 2006 8:42 AM  

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