JESUS ON ICE
ICE CAPADES PRESENTS: JESUS ON ICE (BASED ON ACTUAL EVENTS) People will believe anything. Some believe John Edwards can talk to the dead. Some believe David Copperfield really made an elephant vanish into thin air. Some believe that Barry Bonds didn't use steroids, Tom Cruise is sane, and that OJ is innocent. As long as there are people to tell lies, there will be people stupid enough to believe them. Enter Jesus. If one thing is clear, it's that history will be written, and re-written, to be told as those writing it, want it to be told. There is plenty of evidence to show that some guy named Jesus actually existed. He may have done things that seemed miraculous in the time in which he lived. He may have convinced some people that he was the son of god. Those who wrote the events of the time may have helped bolster this claim. But it was just that, a claim. Religious fanatics do not like to look at good science. They can find a way to take hard facts and say they are wrong just because they do not support their beliefs. The fact is, the only thing that actually supports the belief that Jesus was the son of god, is hearsay. Science doesn't lie. Religion does. While there are some things science cannot prove, it can still help to disprove them. Take the alleged claim that Jesus walked on water for example. Doron Nof, a professor of oceanography at Florida State University (the same man who found a reasonable scientific explanation for Moses's alleged parting of the Red Sea) said last week that his recent study found an unusual combination of water and atmospheric conditions in what is now northern Israel. This could have led to ice formation on the Sea of Galilee. Nof used records of the Mediterranean Sea's surface temperatures and statistical models to examine the dynamics of the Sea of Galilee, which Israelis now call Lake Kinneret. The study found that a period of cooler temperatures in the time between 1,500 and 2,600 years ago could have included the decades in which Jesus lived. A drop in temperature below freezing could have caused ice, thick enough to support a human, to form on the surface of the freshwater lake near the western shore (Nof said). It might have been nearly impossible for distant observers to see a piece of floating ice surrounded by water. While this does not prove anything, it is a reasonable explanation for Jesus walking on water. I can already hear you crazy Christian fanatics out there debunking this explanation, but what is more likely? That a guy walked on water, died, was resurrected, and was later found to be the son of god (and we haven't heard from him since)? Or that he walked on a thick layer of ice, and through the years, history spiced it up a bit? When Nof offered his theory about the Red Sea fourteen years ago, that wind and sea conditions could explain the parting of the Red Sea, he received some hate mail, even though he noted that the idea could support the biblical description of the event. You know why he got hate mail? For the same reason he's getting it now. Because people use religion for one of a few reasons. One, is to control other people, to tell them how to think, how to act, and so on. Another reason, is so an individual can control their own fear that there isn't some grand plan for their life (and their after life). In either case, scientific explanations for alleged miracles, scare them. Sometimes people are so afraid of the truth, that they can rationalize anything. Even in the face of hard facts, they will disagree because it goes against their beliefs. A belief is something you can't prove. A fact is something that is proven. Even if science can't always prove that some event did or did not happen in the past, it can offer a legitimate explanation of how or why it might have occurred. Religion requires a leap of faith. This can sometimes be a good thing. Faith is not always bad. But, sometimes that leap gets so big, that it can jump over anything, even science, reason, rational thinking, and truth. PEDI-CURE FOR LONLINESS It was my wife's mutant toe that first brought us together. We both had profiles on a popular friend sharing sight. Part of my profile said I was not interested in meeting anyone who had a second toe, that was longer than their big toe. I wanted no part of something like that. I don't ask much of feet. Don't stink, don't be hairy, and line your toes up, according to size (shortest to tallest). My wife (although at the time she was not my wife but a total stranger) read the rest of my profile and sent me a quick message. "It's too bad you have a disposition against mis-sized feet, I really think we would have gotten along very well." When I got the message, I checked her profile. She seemed amazing. She was smart, witty, and aside from her mutant toe, gorgeous. But was she worth breaking my rules for? I decided to find out. We arranged to meet a few days later. We've been married for over a year and a half now. You do the math. It's funny how something I thought I would never be able to accept, is the thing that eventually brought us together. I love her mutant toe now, in a way, it was our little Cupid. So for all you lonely people out there that put up barriers and make rules that prevent you from meeting the person that could very well be the love of your life, get off your ass and take a chance. You can thank me later. VERMONT: CHEDDAR, SYRUP, AND POOR ABBRIVIATIONS As I have mentioned before, I attended the University of Massachusetts. While in New England, I met a lot of kids who attended the University of Vermont. Every one of them confused me. Each state in the union is abbreviated by two letters. I hail from Philadelphia, PA. Disney World is in Orlando, FL. Starbucks was formed in Seattle, WA. Vermont is represented by the letters VT. This would lead any level headed person to believe that the University of Vermont, would be known in the college world, as UVT. Tell that to the students that go there. They all insist on calling it UVM. M? What's the M for? I understand that the word Vermont has two syllables. VER and MONT. Normally you only abbreviate entire words though, not syllables. So why do they do it? Your guess is as good as theirs. In fact, not a single UVM student I have ever spoken with could explain to me why they call it UVM and not UVT. You'd think they could at least make something up. Maybe I'm asking too much. However, if there is a current, or former student from the University that can help me shed a little light on this collegiate mystery, please drop me a line at email@example.com. THIS IS JUST A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY CRAZY FAMILY SYSTEM. REMEMBER, THIS IS ONLY A TEST That's all for today people. Stay tuned later this week when I recount humorous (and sometimes horrific) tales from my crazy family's Passover seder that I will be attending tonight. While I do not actually believe in the religious beliefs of the Jewish faith, my family get togethers are events not to be missed. Not unless your main concern is sanity. Obviously, mine is not.