IF I HEARD GOD RIGHT, PAT ROBERTSON IS AN IDIOT
WHY DOES GOD ONLY TALK TO MORONS? Why is it that god never takes a minute to talk to me, or a Pulitzer prize winner author, or even a Super Bowl MVP, and elects instead to talk only to people that have the brain capacity of an apple? The answer is simple, there is no god sitting up in the sky who occasionally decides he's going to bestow his wisdom upon us. There are however, those select idiots who believe that god speaks directly to them. You might know a few of them. George Bush, President of the United States, believes that god wanted him to be elected President so he could carry out god's mission of destroying the earth (and he's well on his way). If there really was a god up there, don't you think he could take a second out of his busy schedule to get off his lazy ass and destroy the planet himself. I mean he allegedly created the Earth in six days, right George? I'm sure he could destroy it in three, tops. If he really wanted you to carry out one of his holy missions he could have just had you snort of all of the World's cocaine. Bush feels that he is justified in his actions (from rigging the 2000 election in order to become President to every outrageous thing he's done since taking office) because it's god's will. If what George Bush has been doing for the last six years is really god's will, then god can kiss my ass. I'm not saying there is no god. But if there's a guy sitting up in the sky that has Dubya's back, then I hope he contracts a case of heavenly herpes. I also feel like if there's a guy sitting up in the sky he would have better things to concentrate on. This brings us to idiot number two, Pat Robertson. On May 8th, he delivered this little gem, "If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms." On May 17th, he added, "There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest." I hate to break this to you Pat, but you don't need a chat with god to know that storms are going to lash the coasts of America in 2006. All you need is to have been alive for even one year, and have a television, newspaper, or internet connection. What, is god a weather man now too? Ok well then maybe I talk to god too. If I heard him right it might rain in Philadelphia this weekend. Everyone praise me and send me money. Scientists have been telling us for years that something like a tsunami might hit the Pacific Northwest. Do they talk to god too? Obviously weather men don't have the uplink to the lord because they can't seem to ever get the weather right. What is god going to tell you next Pat? That if you heard him right that gas prices might soar this year? Or maybe that the bird flu MIGHT strike? Are you sure you're talking to god and not a magic 8 ball? All signs point to no. That voice in your head isn't god, Pat. It's called an inner-monologue. We all have one. What we all don't have is a ego so big that it thinks a god has singled us out to deliver his message. Instead we have something called rationale. I'm having a thought right now inside of my head. It says Pat Robertson and George Bush are a bunch of foolish clowns. If it's just my own brain, then you're only being judged by me. If it's god, I'm pretty sure I heard him loud and clear. CHENEY ENJOYS HUNTING, BUSH TO TAKE UP FENCING The U.S. National Guard, like a patron of Taco Bell, is making a run for the border. The 200 troops who are now there are expected to be getting thousands of reinforcements in the near future courtesy of our Commander in Chief. In another classy move, Bush flew to Yuma, Arizona earlier this week to personally oversee plans for a proposed 370 mile border fence between the U.S. and Mexico. Dubya, speaking through Press Secretary Tony Snow, said recently, "We don't think you fence off the entire border...but there are places when fences are appropriate". Hmm, but just a few short months ago in March, Bush told CNN Espanol, "It's impractical to fence off the border". Typical Bush regime flip-flopping. Members of Dubya's fan club, like Republican Rep. J.D. Hayworth fully support the idea of a fence. To quote Mr. Hayworth, "When you consider nightly between 6,000 and 6,500 illegals attempt to cross our border and of that group, between 4,000 and 4,500 make it on a nightly basis. That is why there is such concern." Hayworth (while riding with the President to Arizona on Air Force One) gave Dubya a copy of his book on immigration, which proposes building a fence along the U.S.-Mexico border, using armed forces to help patrol the region and denying citizenship to the U.S.-born children of illegal immigrants. Is this the best use for the National Guard and the money that will be spent to build this 370 mile fence? Was the National Guard in training for border patrol when Katrina hit and they were no where to be found? And instead of spending money to build a fence to keep illegal immigrants out of America, why don't we spend some of it to take care of those of us who already live here? Education or health care anyone? Is this part of god's plan too for you too George? I bet jesus really only loves American's who pray to him and pay American taxes. He doesn't have time for silly Mexican border jumpers. I have three (spangish style) words for you George: Yo Quero Prioritize. TRUTH DOESN'T PAY THE BILLS As much as I enjoy writing the Spoon, Full of Truth (and as much as I am sure you all enjoy reading it) it does not pay my bills. Consequently, I sometimes make extra money working in the field of marketing. Recently, I have been helping to promote a new watermelon gum by sampling it to the public here in Philadelphia. Over the last two weeks, I have encountered enough people making completely stupid remarks to warrant this segment of the Spoon. Here are just a few of the gems that have graced my ears in recent days. While dressed in a pink T-shirt, covered in fake, black watermelon seeds, standing next to a guy dressed in a watermelon mascot costume, I asked a man if he'd like to try a piece of watermelon gum. His response? "What flavor is it?" Are you kidding me? It's grape moron. I just rock this pink watermelon shirt, chill with a guy in a watermelon suit, and offer you watermelon gum cause that's how I roll. Please. I offered a stick of gum to one woman who responded, "I don't chew" You don't chew? Bitch, how do you eat, through a straw? I see teeth in your mouth. Are they just for show like my boy in the watermelon suit? If you don't want some gum, just say you don't want any. The pink T-shirt says "Cool Watermelon Gum" right on the front of it. A guy walked up to me, and I said, "Hi sir, would you like to try a piece of watermelon gum?" He was obviously quick on the draw. "What is it, gum?" he responded. No buddy, it isn't gum at all. I just said that to throw you off. Actually it's brain food. You better take a whole hand full. While working at a festival last weekend I offered a piece of gum to a man who was walking past me. He took it, paused, then asked, "Is this really just gum or did you poison it?" Wow, thank god you asked me. I did poison it but luckily for you I'm not able to lie about it. If you hadn't asked me, you might have died. Smart ass. Do you really think if someone was handing out poison gum they'd tell you? Wouldn't really make sense would it? Happy chewing. We sample one individually wrapped piece of gum per person. If someone asks nicely for another, I'll usually give it to them. Today some woman yelled at me for only giving her two and asked me why I wouldn't give her more. I told her I didn't want to get fired. She told me to quit being so cheap. I should quit being so cheap? Who's the one who can't shell out ninety cents and buy herself a pack? She obviously wasn't spending all of her money on nice clothing, make up, or weight loss products. If there was poison in the gum, I would have gladly given you more. A little old lady came up to me yesterday and when I asked her if she'd like to try some gum the old bag replies, "I tried it already, this gum is disgusting, but give me some anyway and I'll give it to my grandchildren" I'm not eating your nasty gum but it's good enough for my grand kids. I sure am happy you're not my grandma. Maybe next time your bread gets stale you can save that for your grandchildren too. I'm sure they'll enjoy that about as much as when their parents drag them over to your house for a few hours of your pleasant company and the gum you were sweet enough to get them. AND NOW, THE WEEKEND WEATHER REPORT This weekend's weather will be sunny with a 100% chance of bullshit. Luckily, you've gotten enough truth today to carry you well into next week. Everyone have a great weekend and I'll see you next week for another Spoon, Full of Truth.