SPOON, FULL OF TRUTH

A heavy dose of truth, humor, and political activism.

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Location: Phila, Pennsylvania, United States

Friday, December 08, 2006

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPOON: ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY EDITION

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO TRUTH
Like a fine wine, the truth only gets better with age. Today the Spoon, Full of Truth celebrates its first birthday. While there may not be cake (unless one of you is in a baking mood) or ice cream, or even little party hats, I do have to say there is a wonderful sense of accomplishment. When I started this site a year ago today I never intended for it to last this long. I started out with about ten readers but they were loyal, they shared my site, and the number of Spoon readers has grown and grown (and continues to do so, much to my delight). A lot has happened in the past year, some good, and some bad. Through the Spoon, I have been able to share my sorrows and my joys, as well as my humor and my outlook on our country’s politics and the world in general. I hope you have all enjoyed reading my writing as much as I have enjoyed sharing it with you and I look forward to starting a new year together. When it comes to the truth, if I feed it, you should eat it. Bon Appetite.

RANDOM THOUGHTS
*It’s impossible to look cool while drinking out of a straw. If you don’t believe me, grab a drink, a straw, and a mirror, and find out for yourself.
*It takes 827 licks to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop (hey, what do you want from me? I was a fat kid with a lot of time on my hands).
*You know those Gatorade ads where the athletes sweat in bright neon colors? Then their slogan flashes, “Gatorade. Is it in you?” If it’s going to make my sweat bright blue or purple, I don’t want it in me.
*I’ve saved about $450 in haircuts since I started cutting my own hair. I’ve also gotten many more compliments on the faux-hawk than I did on other haircuts.
*Nothing beats a Bud? In what competition, worst beer imaginable?
*It’s been said that guys who drive big expensive, flashy cars are over compensating for a small penis. Not only do I not have any car at all, I don’t even have a bike. I walk everywhere. Draw your own conclusions.
*I have a male friend who lactates. I discovered this at my own wedding when he decided to amuse my guests by milking himself. I hardly liked milk when I thought it only came from cows and women. I like it even less now.
*If gummy bears ever came to life and could fart, I bet it would smell really good.
*Do you think that if I left pot-brownies for Santa, he’d put me on the naughty list?
*It looks like Dick Cheney’s daughter might be pregnant. You know the child was conceived out of wedlock. I guess Dick and his Christian buddies will have to take her hunting.
*They need to bring back the peanut doughnut.

THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF THE LIST
As I have said before, I know it's wrong to stereotype one group of people or another. However, I have no problem grouping people together based on a behavior that they all share. Furthermore, I have no problem calling these people out. These people and their behavior bother me so much that I cannot stay silent any longer. The following groups of people are now officially on The List (in no particular order):
1. People who feed pigeons—Everyday I see you people sitting in the park throwing handfuls of breadcrumbs and bird seed at the pigeons. Pigeons are just rats with wings. In fact, all the food you throw on the ground also attracts rats. Stop feeding them. When you feed them, you only encourage them to get comfortable, make some baby pigeons, settle down, and shit all over everything in sight. If you want to feed something that badly, get a dog. Or, come to my place, I’m hungry right now.
2. People who treat their pets like kids—It’s a dog, or a cat, it isn’t the fruit of your loins. While it’s great to have a pet, it isn’t a substitute for a child. Quit dressing up your pet in people clothes, chances are, it doesn’t like it. Also, don’t send me holiday cards that include pictures of your pet. I get it, you have a dog, you put fake antlers on it; Merry F’N Christmas to you too.
3. People who still fly the Confederate flag (or have a decal of it on their car or home)—News flash! The civil war is over. Long over. And guess what? You lost! The civil war was basically fought over the legality of slavery. Are you really saying that you wish you could still have slaves? Sadly, I think many of you are. Back to my original point…you lost. You don’t see me wearing a 1993 World Series shirt. Why? For the same reason I don’t wear a 1997 Stanley Cup Championship hat or a 2001 NBA Championship sweatshirt; because the Phillies lost. What’s next, you’re going to try to start spending that trunk load of confederate money that you found in your grand daddy’s attic?
4. People who bitch about cold weather but live in a city that they know will be cold—If you want it to be 70 degrees in January, you have a few options. You could move somewhere like California or Florida. I hear it’s warm there all year round. Or, you can go work for a major oil company and continue to trash the environment and within a few decades it’ll be hot everywhere. In the meantime, stop bitching. Of course it’s cold in Philadelphia or New York or Boston in the middle of the winter. What did you expect? Everyday I hear you people complaining about the cold weather and how much money you waste on heating your home. Don’t like it? Move.
5. Bartenders who make my drinks too strong—If I wanted a full glass of vodka, I would have asked you for a full glass of vodka. You’re not doing me any favors by making my drink too strong. Sure, it may work on that hot guy or chick at the bar that you’re trying to liquor up so you can take them home at the end of the night, but it’s lost on me. I want a drink that tastes good, not one that will get me hammered off four sips. There’s a word for that: shots. If I can’t even enjoy the first drink I ordered, do you really think I’m going to order more, let alone tip you well? If you think so, maybe you should lay off the sauce.
6. People who rely too much on movie reviews—Just because some guy I’ve never heard of, who writes for some publication I’ve never heard of, says a movie is bad, doesn’t make it fact. I’m sick of people turning down an invite to a movie because “it got really bad reviews”. I don’t even listen to people I know and respect when they tell me not to see a movie, why would I listen to some idiot who thinks he’s the messiah of movie quality assurance? Sometimes I want to go see a movie where shit just gets blown up. I don’t care if it wasn’t plot heavy or the acting wasn’t top-notch. I knew it wasn’t going to be top-notch the moment I saw it was starring Bruce Willis. That doesn’t mean I can’t still enjoy it. Stop letting other people decide what movies you are willing to see. Your ability to make your own decisions gets two thumbs down.
7. People who take Christmas too seriously—This past week a group of people made a big stink about Urban Outfitters decision to carry Christmas ornaments that look like handguns. So what? Now your Christmas is ruined? You don’t have to buy them. Even if they sold an ornament of Jesus in a manger having sex with a sheep, you still don’t need to make it a part of your Christmas décor. If some people want to have a little handgun on their tree, why shouldn’t they be able too? How does it affect you? A bet a lot of you idiots who would be upset by this (mostly in the confederate loving southern states) probably give your kids hunting rifles for Christmas by the time they are twelve. It’s called “picking your battles”, look into it.
8. People who constantly use Bluetooth devices—I understand that when you’re driving in your car you need your hands free to steer. But why must you constantly use the Bluetooth device at every waking moment. I can’t stand you people all strolling down the street, engaged in what appears to be a conversation with yourself. Often times if you’re walking towards me you’ll make eye contact, making it seem like you’re talking to me. When I get a little closer, I see the ear piece and realize what is going on. You wear them in bars, restaurants, stores, coffee shops, EVERYWHERE. The worst part is, you’re not even using your hands for something else. They just sit limp at your side. Quit being so damn lazy. Ring, ring. I think it’s for you, it’s ear cancer calling.
9. Men who don’t bald gracefully—There are a lot of you out there. The “I’m not going bald I just decided to shave my head all of a sudden” bald guy. You’re not fooling anyone. We can all still see where the stubble is growing back in and where it’s not. Your receding hairline is still there. Then there’s the “The hair on the left side of my head misses the hair on the right side so it’s going to grow nice and long and travel all the way across the barren waste land that is the crown of my head to go visit his friend” comb-over bald guy. You’re the worst. What’s next? You’re going to grow out your back hair and comb it over the back of your head? Finally there’s the “Look what I planted in my scalp” bald guy. Your hair plugs are simply ridiculous. Don’t get mad at me for staring at them. What do you expect? It’s like a train wreck on your head. You’re like a woman who gets fake tits and wears a low cut shirt and then gets offended when men gawk at them. Do us all a favor and cut it out, literally.

DEAR SANTA
I have been a very good boy this year (I’m sure some of you would disagree but what do you know). Seeing as how I haven’t asked you for much since I was a kid, I thought this year I’d request for a few things. They aren’t in any real order. Just choose ten or more and I’ll be very happy. Here is what I want for Christmas this year:
*I want George Bush to get impeached.
*I want to hunt Dick Cheney.
*I want a new PS2. I don’t need the PS3 like everyone else. I just want a new PS2 to replace the one I had that broke for no reason.
*I want my father-in-law’s death to be a dream I am about to wake up from.
*I want diabetes cured.
*I want an end to gay marriage bans. It’s idiotic to be afraid of love.
*I want Pizza Hut pizza to be good for me. The more I eat, the better.
*I want marijuana legalized (it’s not for me, really).
*I want the Eagles to win the Superbowl.
*I want to own my own home.
*I want Penang (the really good Thai place in Chinatown) to start delivering.
*I want all of my friends to move back to Philadelphia.
*I want my feet to stop hurting all the time.
*I want to see the world.
*I want my wife to realize that she’s as beautiful as I know she is.
*I want to spend more time with my brother.
*I want to be the champion of my fantasy football league.
*I want a trophy for making the world’s best grilled cheese.
*I want employers to realize I don’t need a college degree to be a great writer.
*I want my brother-in-laws to come for a visit.
*I want my mother-in-law’s broken heart to mend.
*I want the work on my mom’s house to finally be completed.
*I want my dad to move to Canada with us when we go.
*I want lots of sour patch kids.
*I want to lose ten more pounds.
*I want to be tan.
*I want own my own miniature golf course.
*I want my brother and I to write our screenplay.
*I want to end poverty, sickness, and violence.
*I want a free pass to punch everyone I dislike in the face before I end violence.
*I want to be rich.
*I want to see my Pop-pop again.
*I want a new coffee maker.
*I want people to buy cool things from www.mycmsite.com/juliajmiller
*I want everyone to share this blog with ten people today.
Thanks Santa. I hope I haven’t asked for too much this year. Please make sure to enjoy the brownies I left you.

BLOW OUT THE CANDLES, AND MAKE A WISH, THE PARTY IS OVER
I hope you all enjoyed this first anniversary edition of the Spoon, Full of Truth. I tried not to rant about politics today but rather expose you to what was going on in this crazy head of mine. I know there will be a lot of great truth to expose in the coming year and I look forward to us all exploring it together. Thank you all for making a little part of my dream come true. Happy Holidays! See you all next week for another edition of your favorite blog, the Spoon, Full of Truth.

12 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy first anniversary ! I have thoroughly enjoyed reading SpoonFull of Truth. Great insights and side-splitting humor.

Add this to the list: Christians who are murderously intolerant of anyone who isn't a Christian.The kind of person who gets offended when you wish him or her a happy holiday rather than Merry Christmas.They bitch that we are taking Christ out of Christmas.Not so. I am merely the miserable SOB a happy holiday .

December 08, 2006 8:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i just want to let you know about this guy i know who is not balding gracefully. he's young, probably around 25. he is kind of artsy/westcoast-looking. and a good looking guy. but it's quite amazing what he's doing with his hair... he has a major receding hairline but i guess he has a widow's peak so he has grown his hair really long and split it down the middle (to cover the bald) and then ties it back in a low ponytail. so the first couple of times i saw him, i didn't know he was balding. but then i noticed the scalp under the parted hair and i could tell he was trying to hide the receding hairline by parting the hair and putting it in a ponytail. i think it's absolutely ridiculous and amusing.

sue

December 08, 2006 9:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Add these wishes to Santa's list;

George Bush and Dick Cheney are impeached and sent to Gitmo.

Mary Cheney and her companion move to Massachusetts and get married.Rush Limbaugh is outed as the donor of the semen.

Peewee Herman and Karl Rove announce their engagement and also move to Massachusetts to set up a commune.Large Marge is annointed as first priestess of the commune.

Jenna Bush converts to Islam to marry Cat Stevens

December 08, 2006 9:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Worse than people who live in Philly and complain about the cold weather (in December) are people who live in Northern California and complain about the "cold" weather. You wouldn't believe the number of people within the past 2-weeks I have run into who have openly complained that the temperatures are dropping below 50 degrees in the morning and at night. Oh yeah, and the wind - it's been kind of windy too during the day.....with highs in the 60s and 70s!!!! So, it feels like...um 55 with the "wind chill." I think these people need to spend a week in Chicago or upstate New York to understand what COLD weather is. Then they will come home to the Bay Area and recognize, once and for all, that we live in Oz.

I love your wish list. Some things are very sweet.

I'd also like to order an ornament with Jesus cozying up with a sheep (no genitalia showing please - I do have a 2-year old in the house). Oh - but would that be like treating his pet like his kid? Hmmm - I guess only if it's the Jesus/Mark Foley ornament.

December 08, 2006 12:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday. Best wishes for many more.
My requests of Santa:
1)Dubya's bubble of self-delusion is burst and he resigns and returns to Texas or Connecticut or whereever the hell he came from.
2)A championship for the Eagles or Phillies . This would make my two sons very happy.
3) Sanity in the world.

December 08, 2006 12:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Spoon! I think this is an anniversary you should really be proud of. I was fwd your blog several months ago and although I can't say I always agree with you, I always respect your point of view and often laugh out loud at work at your wit and humor. I'm looking forward to year #2! I will share this blog with 10 people today (consider me one of Santa's elves).

December 08, 2006 2:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Spoonfull- congratulations on your first year anniversary. However, I must take exception to one thing you said. I definitely want to have neon sweat pour out of my pores after I drink Gatoraid.I think it would be cool- looking.I guess I would have to use a deodorant that fights neon perspiration which in turn would create a neon underarm glow.

December 08, 2006 3:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Spoon,

Happy Blogiversary! I think that your work has been getting consistently better and more funny. I really enjoyed your list as well as your Christmas list. I hope Santa brings you whatever is possible.

December 08, 2006 4:44 PM  
Anonymous Rick said...

This blog is priceles! Happy holidays Spoon! and Happy Birthday. I will also share this blog with 10 people today. I think my whole office reads it now since it was forwarded to one of my co-workers about 3 months ago. Keep us laughing!

December 08, 2006 4:47 PM  
Anonymous Michelle said...

Happy Anniversary Mr. Miller! Your blog today is hilarious! I really enjoy both your insights and your humor. What I want from Santa this year: For our troops to come home before anymore die. Also, for George Bush (Dubya as you call him) to be tried for war crimes. I also wouldnt mind a romantic weekend away from my hubby (hint, hint if he's reading this).
Happy Holidays.

December 08, 2006 4:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Very funny!

December 08, 2006 4:54 PM  
Anonymous Liz said...

Happy Birthday and Congrats!
You are great!!!

December 08, 2006 5:07 PM  

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