HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

U-G-L-Y PHILLY’S GOT NO ALIBI, YOU UGLY
Philadelphia, which recently relinquished our title as America’s fattest city, now has a new award for our wall of shame. According to a poll in Travel and Leisure magazine, of the twenty-five largest cities in the United States, Philadelphia is the ugliest. When I first heard this news I assumed the poll was talking about the beauty of the city itself. After all, we do have some run down areas, graffiti, and a bit of a litter problem. Boy was I wrong. It wasn’t the lack of aesthetically pleasing architecture that was being called into question but rather the attractiveness of our citizens. Of all the major cities in America, Philadelphia has more ugly people in it than any other. Ouch. At first I felt offended. How had we been deemed more unattractive than Washington and Dallas? Last I checked, there is no such thing as an attractive Redskins or Cowboys fan. Once the initial shock began to fade and I thought about it more objectively, I began to wonder if maybe they were on the right path after all. There are a lot of ugly people in this city. If beauty is only skin deep, Philadelphia needs to start exfoliating. It wasn’t too long ago that we were America’s fattest city. In my opinion where there are fat people, there are ugly people. In fact, they are usually one and the same. That’s not to say there aren’t ugly skinny people too. Unattractiveness comes in all shapes and sizes. All I am saying is, if we have a ton of portly citizens, it’s very likely that many of them ate their corndogs directly off of the ugly stick. Then it hit me; in the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king. In the land of the ugly, even the reasonably attractive is royalty. When they called Philadelphians the ugliest city dwellers in the country, they weren’t talking about me. I should be happy. By comparison to the sub-par looks of the rest of this city, we beautiful people look even better. Do I really want to compete with the looks of people in Miami (voted the most attractive city)? In Miami I’d be about a 6. In Philadelphia, I’m a solid 8 or 9. All of you beautiful Philadelphians take notice! We run this city. Sure, we’re the minority but would you really want it any other way? Every person has a designated ugly friend; someone they take with them to bars or parties to make themselves look better. In Philly, we have designated ugly neighbors and co-habitants! At least we weren’t called the dumbest city in America...yet. Like a Phillies World Series victory, I’m sure that’s coming “next year”.

TRICK OR TREAT?
While I’m on the subject of unattractiveness, I’d like to take a moment to discuss my favorite holiday, Halloween. For men, Halloween is like a sexy buffet for your eyes. Women don’t have costumes, they have sexy costumes. They don’t dress up like a bumble-bee; they dress up like a sexy bumble-bee. I’m allergic to bees and I saw a few women out last night that I would happily let sting me to death. Sexy cops, nurses, maids, witches, bunnies, and kitty-cats…the list goes on and on. There is however, one problem. There are two groups of people that contribute to ruining sexy costumes: The people who market them as one size fits all, and women who really believe that one size fits all. Go ahead, get offended. It needs to be said. Let’s take the sexy cop women as an example. If we were to rate the attractiveness of women dressed like sexy cops from 1-10 (10 being the most sexy) I definitely saw quite a few 9’s and 10’s out over the past week. God love them. In fact, one of the funniest things I saw all night on Saturday was a sexy cop making out with a giant penis…but that’s a story for another time. Then, there were the 2’s and 3’s and 4’s. What separates a 2 from a 4 you ask? I’ll tell you. A 4 is a plus sized woman who is wearing a plus sized sexy costume. At least the thing fits. A 2 is a plus sized woman who believes she looks good when she squeezes herself into an outfit made for a woman half her size. Some of the blame here falls on the marketing of many outfits as “one size fits all”. One size most definitely does NOT fit all. It probably doesn’t even fit most. Ladies, no one wants to see you in an outfit that is eight sizes too small anymore than we want to see the fat, hairy, half-naked guy dressed up like Right Said Fred. Trust me buddy, you are not too sexy for your shirt. Do us all a favor and put it back on. Then again, this is a city filled with fat and ugly people, maybe in other cities the costumes fit better. For all of you good looking ladies who were kindly enough to get half naked and look amazing doing it, I thank you, from the bottom of my pumpkin full of candy.

IDIOT DRESSED IN A PRESIDENT COSTUME
On Thursday, President Bush compared Congress' Democratic leaders to people who ignored the rise of Lenin and Hitler early in the last century, saying "the world paid a terrible price" then and risks similar consequences for inaction today. He does have a point. Democratic leaders did ignore the rise of two Hitler-like figures, George Bush, and Dick Cheney. Bush accused Congress of stalling important pieces of the fight to prevent new terrorist attacks by: dragging out and possibly jeopardizing confirmation of Michael Mukasey as attorney general, a key part of his national security team, failing to act on a bill governing eavesdropping on terrorist suspects, and moving too slowly to approve spending measures for the Iraq war, Pentagon, and veterans programs. Why doesn’t this clown just cut to the chase? Just have the U.S. treasury department sign a blank check and send it to Halliburton. That’s where all of our money has gone. This war isn’t about keeping Americans safe, it’s about keeping Dubya’s bedfellows filthy rich. Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid agrees. "It is because of the administration's mismanagement of the war that we stand unready for the next attack," Reid said. "Far from keeping Osama bin Laden on the run, President Bush has distracted us from tracking down a resurgent al Qaida."
Bush’s response?
"History teaches us that underestimating the words of evil, ambitious men is a terrible mistake," You’ve got that right Georgie. Another terrible mistake is listening to the unfulfilled promises of renegade Presidents who have more stake in their own selfish agenda than they do in protecting the citizens of their country. What’s Bush’s war logic? Most likely the same one that gave us Jenna and Barbara…back in my day we didn't have fancy exit strategies...like pulling out. I have a piece of advice for you Dubya, You can only piss in your pants and stay warm for so long. It’s time for a change.

SOME QUICK FACTS
1) There was one foreclosure filing for every 196 households in the nation during the most recent quarter. That’s up 100.1% from this time last year. (Time to buy a house!)
2) The Redsox won another World Series title, the Patriots are dominant, and Boston still sucks (Yeah I said it).
3) The town of Orme, Tennessee has officially run out of water.
4) A judge in Philadelphia recently ruled that three men who forced a prostitute to have sex with them were not rapists but instead were only guilty of “theft of services”. (Were they just ordered to repay the woman?!)
5) A car uses 1.6 ounces of gas idling for one minute. Half an ounce is used to start the average automobile (now I hate traffic even more)!
6) Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates hands when typing.
7) In Michigan, married couples must live together or be imprisoned (is there a difference?)
8) In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons (or “just about a million” to George Bush).

HOW DO YOU SPELL CRAP IN TWO LETTERS?
We have a new TV network in Philadelphia, the CW. It is a combination of two terrible networks: UPN and the WB. Have you ever heard the phrase, “addition by subtraction”? Well this is a clear cut case of subtraction by addition. When added together, these two networks have formed the worst network ever (aside from Fox News). It has taken all of the worst cheesy white shows (i.e. Dawson’s Creek, One Tree Hill) and melded them with the worst black shows (i.e. The Parkers, Everyone Hates Chris). They couldn’t pay me to watch this programming. For shame CW, for shame.

BRAZIL BOUND
Well that’s all I have for you today folks. I leave tomorrow to meet my brother for a fabulous journey to Brazil; a week in Sao Paulo followed by a week in Rio. I promise to post pictures and stories when I return just in time for Thanksgiving. I hope everyone had a happy and safe Halloween. If you have any funny Halloween tales, be sure to post them in the comments section. Here's a funny video to keep you busy until I return: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1781938 Until next time Truth-seekers…Spoon out.