SPOON, FULL OF TRUTH

A heavy dose of truth, humor, and political activism.

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Location: Phila, Pennsylvania, United States

Thursday, June 07, 2007

I'M BRINGING TRUTHY BACK

CATCHING UP WITH THE SPOON
There’s been a lot going on in Spoon-land recently and I realize that the frequency of my posting has suffered. Well no longer! The Spoon is back! Instead of spending too much time on any one topic today, let’s take a look at some of the things making news around the world and right here at home. We’ll also (and possibly more importantly) take a look at some of the things that aren’t making news that most definitely should be. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride…

HOLY CONTACT HIGH
A report from Italy's National Research Council released last week found that there are traces of cocaine and cannabis in the air of the Eternal City.
"Man...that is some quality shit we're breathing!"
The institute made the discovery during a study of toxic substances in the air of Rome (as well as many other cities). The results found that in Rome, there were traces of cocaine and cannabis (as well as nicotine, caffeine). No wonder the pope and other members of the Vatican think they are a pipeline to god. They are all high! If I was breathing in pot and cocaine every minute of every day, I’d probably think I could speak to god too. I guess my theory doesn’t hold too much water because our bumbling president George Dubya Bush thinks he’s working under a direct mandate from god and he’s never used pot or cocaine. Oh wait, YES he has.
"The highest concentrations of cocaine were found in the center of Rome and especially in the area of the University of La Sapienza," said Dr. Angelo Cecinato, who led the investigation. Cecinato stressed that the findings didn't necessarily mean that cocaine and cannabis are more heavily used there. Marijuana and cocaine being heavily used on a college campus? Yeah, that would never happen. If using something repeatedly made it appear in trace amounts in the air, then I think the air around the Vatican would have also contained traces of little boys. That’s all I have to say about that.

FILE THIS UNDER: IT’S ABOUT TIME
Although this news is a few weeks old, I hadn’t had a chance to comment yet. Jerry Falwell, founder of Liberty University (where you can get a bachelor degree in hatred) is dead. Falwell used the power of television to found the Moral Majority and turn the Christian right into a mighty force in American politics. His condemnation of homosexuality, abortion and pornography was praised in some circles and reviled in others, and made Falwell perhaps the most recognizable figure of the evangelical right. It also made him a proper asshole. Personally, I think the damage he has done to this country, to homosexuals, to a woman’s right to choose, and to people with a healthy sexual appetite might never be undone. He helped to send this country down a dangerous path and I just hope it’s not too late to turn back. You won’t hear me say this often but this is one death I was happy to hear about.

ARMY OF ONE (DRESSED APPROPRIATELY)
The nation's largest combat veterans group on Friday urged the military to "exercise a little common sense" and call off its investigation of a group of Iraq war veterans who wore their uniforms during anti-war protests (which is prohibited).
"Trying to hush up and punish fellow Americans for exercising the same democratic right we're trying to instill in Iraq is not what we're all about," said Gary Kurpius, national commander of the 2.4 million-member Veterans of Foreign Wars. This means that Vets that originally received an honorable discharge from the military might now have that status downgraded. Kurpius said the possibility of receiving a less than honorable discharge from service could threaten educational and other benefits soldiers are eligible to receive from the Department of Veterans Affairs. The action might also prevent them from future employment opportunities that require a security clearance. This sounds like just another scare tatic by the Bush administration to stifle his critics. If someone spends a tour of duty in Iraq, wears their uniform in the field, and puts their life in danger so that Haliburton can continue to suck the U.S. dry, then they should sure as hell be able to wear it to any protest they want when they come back home. We are constantly being force fed Dubya’s rhetoric about spreading freedom and democracy to the middle east while at the same time he is forcefully removing our domestic freedoms one by one. Enough is enough. Bush always talks about how the democrats don’t support the troops if they don’t approve more funding for the war. What about supporting the troops that have fought and returned home George? I guess once they are home they aren’t of any use to you any more. I’ve seen Dubya wear a fighter pilot suit and army gear and that man has never served one day of his life in the military overseas. If these men are punished for protesting while wearing military uniforms than I think George Bush should NEVER be allowed to wear one again.

GOT A RAGING HARD-ON FOR ENERGY DRINKS?
A man has sued the maker of the health drink “Boost Plus,” claiming the vitamin-enriched beverage gave him an erection that would not subside and caused him to be hospitalized. That’s embarrassing. What can the doctor do for that?
“Take two hands of masturbation and call me in the morning. Oh, and spend 10-15 minutes looking at naked pictures of your own mother. If that doesn’t help, I recommend just cutting the thing off.”
Novartis' Boost Plus Web site describes the drink as "a great tasting, high calorie, nutritionally complete oral supplement for people who require extra energy and protein in a limited volume". It comes in four varieties: vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, and boner.

LIBBY GETS 2 ½ YEARS IN PRISON, CHENEY SENTENCED TO ETERNAL DAMNATION WITHOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF PAROLE
Vice President Dick Cheney's former chief of staff was sentenced to 2 1/2 years in prison Tuesday for lying and obstructing the CIA leak investigation, the probe that showed a White House obsessed with criticism of its decision to go to war. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, the highest-ranking White House official sentenced to prison since the Iran-Contra affair, asked for leniency, but a federal judge said he would not reward someone who hindered the investigation into the exposure of a CIA operative. The operative's husband had accused the administration of twisting intelligence to justify the Iraq war. President Bush, traveling in Europe, said through a spokesman that he "felt terrible for the family," especially Libby's wife and children. Libby and his wife, Harriet Grant, have two school-age children, a son and a daughter. Oh his poor, poor family! How is it that Dubya sleeps like a baby at night (on his Spiderman bed sheets) when it comes to the families who have had loved ones die in Iraq or the families who lost everything in New Orleans but when someone close to him finally gets his comeuppance he feels terrible? Scooter got what he deserved. Now if we could only try and convict Cheney. In the end Bush is just going to pardon Scooter Libby anyway but I guess it can be considered a moral victory of sorts. Give me an “S”, give me a “C”, give me an “O”, give me another “O”, give me a “T”, give me an “E”, give me a “T”…what’s that spell? Jail time.

THIS SPACE IS MYSPACE, THIS SPACE IS THEIR SPACE
Ever since Rupert Murdoch purchased Myspace.com for over half a billion dollars, his right-wing influence has invaded the popular networking site. It’s bad enough that you’re subjected to pop-ups for Fox television shows and movies but I found this most recent discovery the most disturbing. I logged into Myspace yesterday and while checking friend’s bulletin posts on my home-page, I noticed the section of sponsored links:
Sponsored Links
John McCain for President
Make a Donation Today And Help Elect John McCain
JohnMcCain.com/Contribute

Free Iraq War Book
Get your free Iraq War Book 24 Hour Offer!

Accredited Online Degree
Move your career forward with an accredited online degree!

Ann Coulter's Column Free
Get Ann Coulter's weekly column delivered to you Free via email.

Wow. Maybe they should change the name to MyGOPspace! Clearly Rupert would like to see John McCain as the next President so why not get help from all the impressionable youths he can subject to his beliefs? I didn’t even click on the Free Iraq War Book link. Knowing the Bush administration’s desire for more troops the link probably enrolls you in the military just by clicking on it (I’m sure they justify it somewhere in the Patriot Act). Ann Coulter’s free column? You couldn’t pay me to read the dreck that spews out of that she-devil’s mouth. Leave it to the wizard of Fox to try to make Ann Coulter main stream. To all you kids out there, don’t drink the Kool-aid. These links are sponsored by people who want to control the way you think; don’t let them. Your freedom of thought is one of the few ones they haven’t taken away yet. Myspace, my head, my thoughts.

WHAT IF…
While I was on the topic of Rupert Murdoch and his Fox empire, it got me thinking. What if FOX NEWS had been around to cover events since the dawn of Man? What kind of teaser intros would they have given for news stories? Let’s take a look.

THE 10 PLAGUES: "Have you seen any frogs around recently? Then God might already be in the process of smiting you...story at 11"


THE DEATH OF JESUS: "Son of god killed by his closest confidant. If you have friends, you can't afford to miss this story...tonight at 11!"

THE DEATH OF LINCOLN: "Lincoln shot dead while attending the theatre. If you enjoy cultural events, there could be a gun man standing behind you right now! Don't turn around until you watch FOX NEWS, tonight at 11!"

THE ATOM BOMB: "Visiting Japan could kill you. In fact, if someone you know is in Japan right now, there's a 90% chance they're already dead. Before you try to call them, get the facts. Tonight, at 11"

THE FIRST SOLAR ECLIPSE: "The Moon is eating the Sun. If you rely on sunlight to survive, you can't afford to miss this story! Tonight, at 11."

PROHIBITION: “Alcohol is no longer legal. If you’re drunk right now it won’t last. The sobering details tonight at 11!”

COLUMBUS DISCOVERS AMERICA: “A white man discovered a new country today. Once his followers are able to kill the threatening, local wild animals (they almost resemble tribal people of some sort) it will be safe for you to settle there and enjoy some corn. Get the details, tonight at 11!”

HELLO MY NAME IS D. JACOB AND I LIKE TO DO DRAWRINGS


A RIDE ON THE JESUS EXPRESS
A few Wednesdays ago, I got tickets to see the Phillies play the Brewers. It was Ryan Howard bobble figurine night; a must have collectors item for Phillies fans. We grabbed some sandwiches for dinner from the Subway on Broad Street (yes I realize that eating a Subway sub in Philadelphia, the city that prides itself on hoagies is sacrilege, but we were running late and Subway is located ironically next to the subway we take to the game) and jumped on the subway to head down to the ballpark. Once on the subway we settled into our seats for the quick trip to the stadium. Although speedy, this trip is rarely uneventful. The subway system just seems to bring out the crazies. The doors closed and we left our station. Within seconds a woman standing next to me, wheeling a cart full of candy began to speak, loudly, to the entire car. I can’t recall verbatim what she was babbling about, but it had something to do with seeking forgiveness through Jesus Christ. Normally I have a hard time biting my tongue when these people start with their madness but it sometimes makes others uncomfortable so I decided to take the moral high ground. The woman asked people if they’d like information on her church (or perhaps it was an organization of some sort) but most of them, myself included, ignored her. Then she got to her real reason for disrupting the tranquility of the subway car. It was the same thing that all of these religious fanatics are really after, money. Obviously Jesus hadn’t bothered to fund his own church and had left it to his humble followers to collect dollar bills on the subway. This messenger of god was clearly doing the lord’s work. Still, like most of the other people in the car, I decided my money was better spent on other things. Undeterred, the woman upped the ante.
“As a gift of appreciation for your dollar donation, feel free to help yourself to some candy.”
Obviously Jesus was not concerned with my diabetes. He wanted my money, even if it killed me. I resisted the strong urge to purchase the holy candy and declined to give her any money. She moved on to the next victim. Another woman quickly approached us.
“I couldn’t help but notice that you didn’t donate any money. Would you be interested in some information on how to live a better life under the teachings and forgiveness of Jesus Christ?” she asked.
I looked up. The woman was standing directly under a sign above the door that read, “No Eating, No Drinking, No Smoking, No Playing of Radios, and No Solicitation”.
“I couldn’t help but notice that in order to keep the ‘law of god’, you are clearly breaking the law of man,” I desperately wanted to reply. Instead I bit my tongue. I figured the irony would be lost of her. A few seats over, the woman with the candy had claimed her second victim.
“Not interested,” I responded.
The woman looked at me sadly, as if I were doomed, and moved on. I was doomed? There is a reason solicitation is not permitted on the subway. Once people board the subway they are trapped there. They can’t simply get up at a moment’s whim and exit. They are literally a captive audience. I was not pleased. I hoped that a SEPTA (South Eastern Pennsylvania Transit Authority) official would suddenly appear and arrest these women. As per usual, it did not happen; SEPTA officials are only around when you don’t need them.

THE MISNOMER LAWYER
Once the madness with the Jesus and Mary Chain had ended, I resumed a favorite subway pastime, reading advertisements. One in particular caught my eye. It was a big black sign advertising the services of the “Vigilante Lawyer”. If the sign had said only “Vigilante Lawyer” and nothing else (aside from a phone number or web-site) I would have thought that he was an attorney that defended fathers who, unsatisfied with the legal process, sought revenge against men who had raped their daughters, bank robbers who stole from the rich and gave to the poor, and other vigilantes. For those of you not familiar with the term:


vig·i·lan·te [vij-uh-lan-tee]
–noun
1.
a member of a vigilance committee.
2.
any person who illegally takes the law into his or her own hands, as by avenging a crime.
–adjective
3.
done violently and summarily, without recourse to lawful procedures: vigilante justice.

This guy was a real hero. He was defending those people who had taken the law into their own hands to avenge a loved one, and now, ironically, were being subjected to the same legal process that had failed to aid them. What better place to find vigilantes on the run than on the subway? Nothing screams, “I’ve got to get out of town and head underground” like the Broad Street local (making all stops). I should have stopped reading there. However, directly under “Vigilante Lawyer” were listed the jaw-dropping vigilante crimes: DUI, License Restoration, and Moving Violations, followed by the phone number 1-877-TRAF-TIC. If this guy could afford a TV commercial, I could only imagine what it would be like.
“Were you the victim of crime? Did the system fail you and force you to take the law into your own hands? If you are the victim of crime who was left with no choice but to pound a 12 pack of beer and cruise around in your car or run a red light or two in the name of justice, then you need…the Vigilante Lawyer! Call 1-877-TRAF-TIC today!”

What was the deal? Had this guy graduated from law-school yet somehow had never bothered to open a dictionary? Maybe he’d planned on reading Webster’s from cover to cover but got distracted and never made it past the letter “U”. Unlikely. Perhaps with his limited advertising budget he couldn’t afford the sign he’d really wanted.
“Yes I’d like a sign that says: ‘The Traffic Violations Lawyer’”
“Okay that’ll be $200”
“I only have a $150, can you work with me?”
“I’d love to be able to give you ‘Traffic Violations Lawyer’ for that price but my hands are tied. Luckily, we’re having a sale this week on ‘Renegade Lawyer’ and ‘Vigilante Lawyer’.”
“Violation, Vigilante, close enough…I’ll take it!”

License restoration? That just reeks of vigilance!
“Has your license been temporarily suspended? Not able to pay the fines or wait the six months that the legal process requires? Then hire the Vigilante Lawyer! He’ll take the law into his own hands and get results! He laughs in the face of traffic tickets. If he wasn’t the best, could he really afford to advertise in the subway?”

BACK, BACK, BACK…OUTTA HERE!
That’s all for today loyal readers. I hope you enjoyed today’s post and found sometime to share it with your friends (and enemies). Nothing says, “I love you or hate you” like forwarding the link to this site. Thanks for sticking with me during the last few months and I promise to bring you posts with more frequency this summer! Have a great weekend and check back soon for more truth, straight from the Spoon!

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Welcome back spoon we missed ya

June 07, 2007 8:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A triumphant return for the Spoon! What a great (and lengthy) Post!
It's a crime someone hasn't snatched you up yet to work for their show or publication but I'm glad your readers get to have you as our little secret for now (it won't last forever).
I will share this post big time!

June 07, 2007 10:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Superb column . You have been away too long. We need more of your truth filled columns!

June 08, 2007 10:50 AM  
Anonymous Jay Fanuel said...

Thanks Spoon for your unique view on the events of the day. I am sure that the dearly departed Jerry Falwell is now in heaven with his 70 virgins smiling down on all his followers.I am sure that Liberty University will continue on with his legacy of disregard and disrespect for Gays, women, and people who have open minds.
As for Scooter, it is a wonderful thing , that a Judge appointed by a Republican president saw fit to sentence him to 2 1/2 years in the slammer. And wouldn't be wwonderful to see Cheney implicated as well.

Thanks Spoon for your thoughts on everything from boners to the wonderful aroma of cannabis in Rome.

June 08, 2007 2:37 PM  
Anonymous Pro-Bush said...

Can you prove that Bush ever used cocaine? You're an idiot.

June 09, 2007 11:02 AM  
Anonymous #1 Spoon Fan said...

I loved your Drawring of our country's finances! I also really enjoyed your tales from the subway and fake headlines. Reading this today really started off my weekend right. Welcome back Spoon!

June 09, 2007 11:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The subpoena of Cheney's office. Bloomberg changing parties. The NBA draft. Where are you? We miss your dose of truth medicine. We need your sunshine to recharge our solar batteries. Don't make us spend another day in darkness. I bet this is your clever way of telling your loyal readers that global warming is causing a brownout. We get it. If you want to conserve energy, keep the truth short but keep it coming. PLEASE.

June 28, 2007 11:55 PM  

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