SPOON, FULL OF TRUTH

A heavy dose of truth, humor, and political activism.

Name:
Location: Phila, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

SPOON, NOW WITH 20% MORE TRUTH!


I’M NO FOOL, YOU CAN’T ECONOMY (OUT OF MY MONEY)
Corporations are always making themselves out to be something they are not. The economy is in shambles and money is tight so I thought it would be fun to remove the smoke and mirrors and present a few companies with ad slogans that are a little more in line with their actual target audience and the way they conduct business. Each company's actual ad slogan is listed after the company title. The slogan in blue is the new slogan I've made up for that brand (along with a little blurb about it). I hope you enjoy the Spoon, Full of Truth corporate unmasking.

Burger King-- "HAVE IT YOUR WAY"
"Have it your way...Fat boy"
*With the recent trend of other fast-food chains getting healthier (KFC is going grilled, McDonald's has lower calorie/fat options as does Wendy's and Chick-Fil-A) Burger King continues to offer high calorie, high fat foods (like our mega-fatty breakfast omelet sandwich). At Burger King, we don't care if you're fat. So you’re a fatty, why go somewhere that makes you feel bad about it? You want a 2 Lb. Burger with extra cheese and a large fries? The King says come to Burger King and have it your way, fat boy.

Maybelline--
"MAYBE SHE'S BORN WITH IT, MAYBE IT'S MAYBELLINE"
"Maybe she's born with it, maybe you're not"
*We've all seen the beautiful women in make-up advertisements but let's face it...those women, are born with it. They don't need Maybelline to look pretty, they just need their natural beauty. On the other-hand, you probably need to cake on a nice layer of foundation, some eye liner, lip-stick, blush, eye shadow, cover-up, and lip gloss just to have a shot at getting picked up by some overweight, drunk med-student in a dimly lit bar. Maybe she's born with it. You're definitely not. Cover up that mess of a face with Maybelline.

Taco Bell--
“THINK OUTSIDE THE BUN”
“Because smoking pot is like beer goggles for food”
*Remember the other night when you got a little too drunk at that dimly lit bar and took home what you thought was a hot, young co-ed, only to realize the next morning that once she washed off all that Maybelline she was about as appealing as hand-job from Edward Scissorhands? Taco Bell, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Taco Bell, when your desire to be full outweighs the need to know what you’re consuming. We take crap, wrapped in more crap, cover it in three kinds of crap, surround it with a crunchy layer of crap and grill it (so you can eat it with one hand)…Taco Bell, make a run for the bathroom.

Hooters--
"DELIGHTFULLY TACKY, YET UNREFINED"
"TITTIES, food, beer, TITTIES, televisions, and TITTIES"
*At Hooters, our wings are second only to our breasts. This month only, save 10% when you can complete your entire order without breaking eye contact with your waitress. Everything is better when it’s served by a girl with big tits in a tight shirt and little shorts. Would you rather have your doctor break the news to you that you were dying from cancer, or have a bubbly twenty-two year old in a skin-tight tank-top do it? Our wings are so good, they’ll make your mouth water (at least that’s what you can tell your girlfriend when she catches you drooling).

Capital One—
“WHAT’S IN YOUR WALLET?”
“Our card in your wallet, your money in our pocket”
*What’s in your wallet? We know it’s not your money because that’s in OUR wallet. Whatever…we do what we want. Do you hear that? That’s the sound of us lowering your credit score. Good luck getting a mortgage or an auto loan now. Oh, and while you were reading this, we just raised your interest rates.

Black and Decker--
"IDEAS AT WORK"
“Labor not included”
*Your ideas for those great home improvements are hard at work, now if you could only get your contractors to get off their asses and do something productive. Don’t you wish that you got to take seven hours for lunch? Four out of five contractors who sit around doing nothing all day THINK about using Black and Decker tools. Black and Decker: ideas at work.

Domino's Pizza--
"GET THE DOOR. IT'S DOMINO'S"
“Hey lazy-ass, it’s your turn to make dinner”
*It’s your turn to make dinner again and your lazy ass didn’t think ahead. Now it’s almost 6PM, the kids are cranky, your husband will be home any minute, and there aren’t even any leftovers in the fridge. Domino’s to the rescue! Sure, our pizza tastes like crap and yes, we do support radical pro-life groups…but, we also deliver. Knock, Knock. Who's there? Shitty Pizza. Oh, someone get the door, it's Domino's!

Walmart--
"ALWAYS LOW PRICES. ALWAYS"
"If it's cheap enough, who cares where it came from?"
*At Walmart, we don't waste money like other companies do on silly things like health care for our employees and it really shows in the savings we pass along to our customers. So most of the stuff we sell was made in a sweat-shop...I have one word for you: Rollback. Come to Walmart, and walk the line between morals and great prices!

Angel Soft (toilet paper)--
"ANGEL SOFT. COMFORT WHERE YOU WANT IT"
"Because that ass is heavenly"
*That’s right! We are now a specialty toilet paper brand that only caters to those women who have angelic asses. Your behind is heavenly, why dishonor it by wiping with some run-of-the-mill terrestrial 1-ply? Imagine yourself in a disgusting port-a-potty with a terrible odor and crap all over the place. Now picture a glowing soft roll of Angel Soft hanging there just beckoning to be used; a little slice of heaven, in a place that smells like hell. Angel Soft, it’s some heavenly shit.

Delta Airlines--
"WE LOVE TO FLY AND IT SHOWS"
"You have no other way to get there, so you’re fucked!"
*You have a 9am business meeting in London. How else are you going to get there? Swim? At Delta, we know you don’t have a choice. You have to fly, and we’ll be here to nickel and dime you every step of the way. Want a meal? $20. Want a blanket or pillow? $5. Hell, we might even start charging you to use the reading light or the restroom. Don’t like it? Good luck finding a better deal with one of our competitors. Delta: bend over and take it.

Ford—“WHY FORD? WHY NOW? WHY NOT?”
“Because indecisiveness is sexy”
*Sure there are lots of car companies you could choose from, but that takes time. Why waste hours and hours researching which car company is the best fit for you? Why not just pick Ford? We might be better than the rest, we might not. But we certainly haven’t done anything to make you lose all faith in us and we think that’s good enough. Ford…you might as well pick us because you can’t think of a decent reason not to.

M&M’s—“MELT IN YOUR MOUTH, NOT IN YOUR HAND”
“What are waiting for? Grow a backbone and eat some already!”
*……

DON’T BE BLUE, IT’S JUST A LITTLE LIMP
First researchers discovered Viagra, a little blue pill that prevents penises from going limp. Now it looks as if they have discovered a little blue candy pill that may cause limps.
According to CNN, new research shows that the same blue food dye found in M&Ms and Gatorade could be used to reduce damage caused by spine injuries, offering a better chance of recovery.
Researchers at the University of Rochester Medical Center found that when they injected the compound Brilliant Blue G (BBG) into rats suffering spinal cord injuries, the rodents were able to walk again.
The only side effect was that the treated mice temporarily turned blue. Could you imagine if every time a guy took Viagra he got a healthy erection but he turned blue during sex? I bet that would really do it for ladies with a Smurf fetish.
The results of the BBG study were published in the "Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.
The rats given BBG injections into their IV immediately after their injury could walk again with a limp. In this case, unlike with Viagra, the limp is an improvement. The rats that didn't receive a dose never regained their mobility.
Researchers say it could be several years before their findings lead to a practical application for BBG in humans.
They also stress the treatment is designed to reduce the secondary damage that is caused immediately after the injury.
"Our hope is that this work will lead to a practical, safe agent that can be given to patients shortly after injury, for the purpose of decreasing the secondary damage that we have to otherwise expect," said Steven Goldman, Chair of the University of Rochester Department of Neurology.
The researchers say more testing is needed to assess the safety of BBG before human clinical trials could begin. In the meantime, humans will just have to stick to eating green M&M’s to make them horny.

NOT TONIGHT HONEY, I’M NOT TIRED ENOUGH
A few big yawns and you’re ready to head off to bed. But contrary to popular belief, it’s not to get some sleep. Yawning is actually a sign of arousal, according to what neuroscientist and yawning expert Robert Provine, M.D. reported to MSNBC.
Most commonly associated with feeling sleepy, yawning results in the stretching of muscles and joints as well as an increased heart rate, which may mean it’s the body's way of preparing for increased activity, especially resting. Provine told MSNBC, "[A yawn] serves a number of functions but a common feature in all is that it is associated with a change of state, a shift, say, from sleep to wakefulness, wakefulness to sleep." This can certainly apply to sex, which is typically more strenuous than preceding foreplay.
The exact cause of yawning is still fairly mysterious, but there are a multitude of possible explanations. If you’re in bed with your partner and they begin to yawn, you won’t know whether they have the urge to yawn because their body is preventing their lungs from collapsing, they’re subconsciously communicating the need for rest, or they’re feeling feisty. However, if you’re already involved in a little foreplay, the latter is a strong possibility.
Yawning has also said to be contagious so why not skip the chocolates, flowers, oysters, and Spanish Fly, and just let a few yawns rip the next time you’re trying to seduce that special someone. Maybe that’s just what it’ll take to get them in the mood. Or perhaps you’ll put them to sleep but life is all about taking chances so I say, go for it!

CASH FOR CLUNKERS, MONEY FOR MATRIMONY
A few weeks ago, the House of Representatives voted to rush $2 billion into the popular but financially strapped "cash for clunkers" car purchase program.
The bill was approved on a vote of 316-109.
The program was set up to boost U.S. auto sales and help struggling automakers through the worst sales slump in more than a quarter-century. Sales for the first half of the year were down 35 percent from the same period in 2008, and analysts are predicting only a modest recovery during the second half of the year.
Called the Car Allowance Rebate System, or CARS, the program is designed to help the economy and the environment by spurring new car sales. Car owners can receive federal subsidies of up to $4,500 for trading in their old cars for new ones that achieve significantly higher gas mileage.
How great would this be if it could be applied to spouses? Imagine if the government would pay you several thousand dollars for divorcing your over-the-hill wife in favor of one with far less “miles” on her?
“Are you stuck with a lemon for a wife? She used to be cherry and run great but within the last several years she’s had some body damage and simply isn’t the same appealing ride she used to be. Why not trade her in now for a new updated model? Under the government’s new Cash for Wives system (WARS) there’s never been a better time to get that divorce! Your kids will be the envy of all their friends when you pick them up at school with their brand new mother. Don’t keep wasting your hard-earned money trying to fix up the old clunker. Classic cars can only be taken out on weekends, during daylight hours. With classic wives, you only want to take them out on weeknights once it’s dark out. Where’s the fun in that? Head down to City Hall today and apply for your rebate!”

WATCH OUT EAST COAST LADIES, BILL HAS HIS “EYE” ON YOU
As reported by Reuters, Hurricane Bill, the first hurricane of the 2009 Atlantic season, headed west-northwest over the open ocean on Tuesday, but it was uncertain whether it could threaten the northeast U.S. coast by Sunday.
Named after former President Clinton, (Hurricane) Bill threatens to have women flustered by the end of the weekend, damaging hearts, dresses, and trees in its’ wake.
The U.S. National Hurricane Center said Bill, which late on Monday turned into a Category 2 hurricane packing winds of nearly 100 miles per hour (160 km per hour), was expected to strengthen further on a curving path that would keep it far from land in the next few days. That’s right ladies, it’s more curved than straight.
It posed no threat to the U.S. Gulf oil-producing area. Hurricane Bill doesn’t waste time picking up petroleum based products, it’ll get you wet enough as it is.
Bill was expected to become a Category 3 hurricane on the Saffir-Simpson 1 to 5 scale of intensity in the coming days, and the NHC forecast it would make a gradual turn to the northwest on Wednesday.
Some forecasting models appeared to show Bill eventually turning away from the northeast U.S. coast. He’s heading for you east coast gals but as quickly as he comes, he’ll be leaving you high and dry.

IS OBAMA BARACKING DOWN ON HEALTH CARE REFORM?
While President Obama is certainly a step up from the Bush regime, it looks like politics as usual in Washington.
President Barack Obama has indicated a willingness to drop a government-run health care plan from any overhaul claiming that is isn’t a shift in policy. Here we go again.
Fierce proponents of a government-run health plan for months, Obama and senior administration officials, bowing to pressure from Republicans and skeptical voters, suggested that such a public option is not do-or-die. In fact for many Americans, it IS do or die. I guess it all depends on what the meaning of the word “is” is.
"All I'm saying is, though, that the public option, whether we have it or we don't have it, is not the entirety of health care reform," the president told a town hall-style audience in Grand Junction, Colo., over the weekend. "This is just one sliver of it, one aspect of it."
Why is Obama bowing to the GOP? Wasn’t the slogan of his entire campaign, “Change”?
The president has already dropped the ball with the stimulus package and the wall-street bailout. I still don’t think anyone knows where any of that money went. All I can tell you is where it didn’t go.
"I challenge you guys all to go back and see what we've said about this over the course of many, many, many, many months, and you'll find a boring consistency to our rhetoric," White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters.
Okay Gibbsy, let’s do that.
During the 2008 presidential campaign, Obama said a new public plan should offer comprehensive insurance similar to that available to federal employees. What’s that? Everyday Americans deserve the same care that the government provides itself? Radical.
Obama has said repeatedly in speeches, weekly radio and Internet addresses, and town hall meetings that he wants a health care overhaul that has a taxpayer-funded public health insurance option. He has said the plan would compete with private insurance to keep costs down. "That's why any plan I sign must include an insurance exchange: a one-stop shopping marketplace where you can compare the benefits, cost and track records of a variety of plans, including a public option to increase competition and keep insurance companies honest and choose what's best for your family," President Obama said just one month ago on July 18.
And according to the AP, in a June 3 letter to Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass., and Sen. Max Baucus, D-Mont., Obama said: "I strongly believe that Americans should have the choice of a public health insurance option operating alongside private plans. This will give them a better range of choices, make the health care market more competitive and keep insurance companies honest."
But Obama hedged this weekend in Colorado and other administration officials followed suit. This caused liberals to cry foul but the White House insisted that the rhetoric hadn't shifted. Maybe the democrats need to send gun-wielding liberals to some of his rallies. It seems to be working for the right-wing idiots.
You decide for yourself. Is this a shift or not?
"Must include" became "whether we have it or don't have it."
Certainly sounds like a shift to me. It looks like “Yes we can” has become “We probably won’t”

QUIT DOGGING MICHAEL VICK
My beloved Philadelphia Eagles signed Michael Vick to a contract this past week and you'd think the world had all but come to an end. People who didn't speak up when George Bush was destroying our economy and sending thousands of American soldiers to their deaths suddenly are offended. Those who didn't bat an eyelash when Phillies pitcher Brett Myers punched his wife in the face on the streets of Boston are now up in arms. Look people, Michael Vick tortured dogs. It's awful, no one is denying that. But just because the Eagles signed him does not mean that they condone animal cruelty. As I see it, it's quite the opposite. The Eagles are just giving Vick a new leash on life, a platform from which he can begin to make amends for his past transgressions. We live in a country where if you commit a crime you pay for it with jail time. Vick did that. He served his time, he lost tens of millions of dollars, and now he is being given a second chance after paying his debt to the criminal justice system. It was a risky pick-up for the Eagles. Is Vick sorry for what he did? Who knows, he might feel sorry for the dogs; he might just feel sorry for himself. This much is clear though, if he uses his second chance to help more animals than he hurt, whether he is doing it for the right reasons or not, isn't it a good thing for animals? I think so. Only time will tell if the Vick experiment was a wise one for the Eagles but in the mean time, I am happy it is the Super Bowl and not the Character Bowl...and we're winning it. You can now buy a Michael Vick jersey for your dog on the official NFL website. That's like putting a Bernie Madoff cover on your checkbook. Want to weigh in? That's what the comments section is for.

THE RUMORS OF MY RETIREMENT HAVE BEEN GREATLY EXAGGERATED
I’ve been gone for several months and I’m sure many of you thought that the Spoon was retired. Think again. I’m like the Brett Farve of the blogosphere. Just when you think I’m about to hang it up for good, I come back for another season! While the last several months concentrating of photography and stand-up comedy have been wonderful, I greatly missed bringing you the Spoon, Full of Truth so I have recommitted myself to do so. It’s time to welcome your brain cells back. They’ve been starved for truth, so let’s start feeding them again, one Spoonful at a time.









I ALSO TRIED OUT A FEW NEW JOKES ON SUNDAY NIGHT IN NEW JERSEY:

5 Comments:

Anonymous Jamir said...

HAHAHAHAHA your slogans are funny as shit!
I also liked the cash for wives and the blue M and M's bit.

My friend just sent me this site today so imma check out some old posts too.

August 18, 2009 6:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Terrific ! Where do I sign up for the cash for wives program ? And as for your beloved Iggles, would Jeff Lurie have signed him as a free agent if Vick had executed his dog ? I think not.Nevertheless , I agree he served his time and should receive a second chance.

Keep the blog running Brett.

August 19, 2009 12:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank goodness for your blog. I now know why I turned blue.All of my friends are going to be envious.

Let me recommend an article by William Greider at nation.com, on Obama and healthcare reform. Greider formerly wrote for Rolling Stone magazine and the Washington Post. As usual, he is on target.

Glad to see that you are back in print. Also enjoyed watching your comedy routine.

August 19, 2009 12:14 PM  
Anonymous Ron Mexico said...

The joke about girls from NJ in your 2nd stand up video is priceless. The rest are very funny as well.

August 20, 2009 10:18 AM  
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October 23, 2009 6:41 AM  

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