SPOON, FULL OF TRUTH

A heavy dose of truth, humor, and political activism.

Name:
Location: Phila, Pennsylvania, United States

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

MARCH MADNESS

ALL ASIAN DELIVERIES LOOK ALIKE
The U.S. military discovered late last week that it mistakenly delivered electrical fuses for an intercontinental ballistic missile to Taiwan, raising concerns yesterday over U.S.-China relations. While the shipment did not include nuclear materials, the error is particularly sensitive because China vehemently opposes U.S. arms sales to Taiwan. Four of the cone-shaped fuses were shipped to Taiwanese officials in fall 2006 instead of the helicopter batteries they had ordered. That’s an easy mix-up. I know I’ve mistakenly tried to replace my helicopter batteries with ballistic missile fuses several times while preparing for one of my last minute flights. It’s a pretty honest mistake; and yes, I own several helicopters (and God speaks to George Bush).
Despite quarterly checks of the inventory, defense officials said they never knew the fuses were gone. I suppose the people conducting these checks were the same individuals that somehow lost over five billion dollars (in CASH) from our war budget. If Osama Bin Laden really wants to stay hidden, maybe he should just camp out in the military-inventory wing of the Pentagon. It was only after months of discussions with Taiwan over the missing helicopter batteries that the Pentagon finally realized (late last week) the magnitude of what had happened.
Once the error was discovered, the military quickly recovered the four fuses; although we have no idea if the technology had been duplicated. If there’s one thing I know about Taiwan, it’s that they turn out a lot of knock-offs. How this mix-up happened, and whether the incident constitutes a violation of any treaty or agreement governing international sales of missile technology, are lingering questions.
Yesterday, at a hastily called news conference, Ryan Henry, the number-two policy official in Defense Secretary Robert Gates' office, said President Bush as well as Chinese leaders were informed of the mistake and called the error intolerable. Upon being informed of the incident, President Bush was quickly informed by Dick Cheney that Taiwan is a self governing island (still claimed by Beiijing) and not the method his father taught him for lacing up his shoes (Taiwan and then the other).
According to Air Force Secretary Michael Wynne, the fuses, contained in four large shipping containers, had been sent from F.E. Warren Air Force Base in Wyoming to a Defense Logistics Agency warehouse at Hill Air Force Base in Utah. The containers apparently ended up in an unclassified area, rather than a classified section where they belonged. It seems that happens a lot under the Bush administration. Our Military wound up in Iraq instead of in Afghanistan where it belonged; FEMA trailers wound up in a field in Kentucky instead of in Louisiana where they belonged; and Dubya wound up back in the White House instead of in prison where he belongs.
White House press secretary Dana Perino when asked whether Bush still has confidence in Air Force leadership, said: "Yes, yes he does." Bush later added that he thought they were doing “A heck’uva job.”
This is the second nuclear-related mistake involving the military in recent months. Last August (as reported on this site) an Air Force B-52 bomber was mistakenly armed with six nuclear-tipped cruise missiles and flown from Minot Air Force Base, N.D., to Barksdale Air Force Base, La. At the time, the pilot and crew were unaware they had nuclear arms aboard. I guess this is what you can expect when you have a Commander in Chief who has his head shoved firmly up his own ass. To make up for the mistake, Bush has offered to send China ten crates of the United States’ number one export: Freedom.

DOW CLOSES DOWN 69 POINTS AS DUBYA HITS ALL-TIME LOW
Five years after he green-lighted the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq, President Bush faced strikingly low approval ratings as he reaffirmed his commitment to "accept no outcome but victory" in the war. It must be nice to accept nothing less than impossible. I wish every time I bought a Powerball ticket I could accept nothing less than winning the jackpot (but the likelihood of that happening is on par with anyone “winning” the war in Iraq). This raises another question, exactly what constitutes winning? In my mind, war never has any winners, just different degrees of losers. Furthermore, didn’t this jack-ass stand on the deck of a battleship and declare of the Iraq war, “Mission accomplished”? I guess the mission was to be less than victorious. I should set those sorts of goals for myself. My mission is to have a job, but not necessarily go to it or do a good job when I do show up.
Five years ago, just before the start of the Iraq war Bush’s approval rating was 71% (although I suspect that most of the people taking part in the survey were gay-bashing, NASCAR watching, red-state residents who probably couldn’t tell you the meaning of the of the word “approval”). Today, his rating has dropped 40 points to an all time low of 31%. The 40-point drop is almost identical to the drop President Lyndon Johnson faced during the Vietnam War. George Bush still thinks that history will look back favorably upon him. I know in my family we celebrate “The Wonderful Vietnam War” Day every year. Mmm, I can taste the hot-dogs, heroin, and napalm already.
During a speech at the Pentagon last Wednesday, the president called the debate over Iraq "understandable" but insisted that a continued U.S. presence in the region was crucial. "Defeating this enemy in Iraq will make it less likely we will face this enemy here at home," he said. Sadly, his words are hollow. The fact is that we are empowering and enlisting the enemy in Iraq, making it much MORE likely that they will again strike us here at home. Just a few quick points to remember after five years:
*Bush ordered U.S. troops into Iraq on March 19, 2003, after months of (unfounded) warnings that Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein was hiding stockpiles of chemical and biological weapons and efforts to build a nuclear bomb.*U.N. weapons inspectors found no sign of banned weapons before the invasion, and the CIA later concluded that Iraq had dismantled its weapons programs in the 1990s.*More than 4,000 Americans have died in Iraq since then, and estimates of the Iraqi toll range from about 80,000 to 150,000 or more.*Almost 160,000 U.S. troops remain in Iraq, and the war has cost U.S. taxpayers about $600 billion, according to the House Budget Committee.
I fail to see how his approval rating is anything higher than 0%.

WHEN IT COMES TO EXPERIENCE, THE ONLY THING FOREIGN TO HILARY’S POLICY IS THE TRUTH
Hillary Clinton's campaign said that she "misspoke" last week when saying she had landed under sniper fire during a trip to Bosnia as first lady in March 1996. She later characterized the episode as a "misstatement" and a "minor blip." Misspoke? Misstatement? When I was a kid we called this “lying”. I hope the next thing she’s involved with surrounding “miss” is missing out on the democratic nomination. The Obama campaign suggested the statement was a deliberate exaggeration by Clinton, who often cites the goodwill trip with her daughter and several celebrities as an example of her foreign policy experience.
During a speech last Monday on Iraq, she said of the Bosnia trip: "I remember landing under sniper fire. There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base."
According to an Associated Press story at the time, Clinton was placed under no extraordinary risks on the trip. And one of her companions, comedian Sinbad, told The Washington Post he has no recollection either of the threat or reality of gunfire. I’ve been to several countries outside of the U.S. and I don’t claim to have foreign policy experience and I believe that taking Sinbad to another country in no way, shape, or form constitutes “Good Will” (unless I’m unaware that the real definition of good will is actually “Terrible Comedy”).
Asked about the issue during a meeting with the Philadelphia Daily News' editorial board on Monday, Clinton again said that she "misspoke.""I went to 80 countries, you know. I gave contemporaneous accounts, I wrote about a lot of this in my book. You know, I think that, a minor blip, you know, if I said something that, you know, I say a lot of things — millions of words a day — so if I misspoke, that was just a misstatement," she said. What? First of all Hilary, ramble much? Second, I wish I could get away with using your logic. I’m sorry officer (employer, judge, spouse, etc), I say so many things on a daily basis that you can’t expect all of my words to be truthful. I know I said I wasn’t speeding but what I really meant was please go fuck yourself.
"Everyone else was told to sit on their bulletproof vests," Clinton recalled of the flight into Bosnia "And we came in, in an evasive maneuver. ... There was no greeting ceremony, and we basically were told to run to our cars. Now, that is what happened."
Her words (perhaps misspoken again) directly contradict a CBS News video of the Bosnia trip posted on YouTube, which shows Clinton and her daughter, Chelsea, walking across the tarmac from a large cargo plane, smiling and waving, and stopping to shake hands with Bosnia's acting president and greet an 8-year-old girl. Perhaps this video was just missfilmed or it’s my fault and I simply misswatched it.

DID YOUR BARACKET OBAMA?
How’s your NCAA pool looking this year, not so good? Did you have Villanova beating Clemson and then Siena (not Vanderbilt) to make the Sweet 16? I did. Did you have Davidson upsetting both Gonzaga and Georgetown? I doubt it. Once again, I did. My Final Four is still completely intact and I have seven of my Elite Eight’s still dancing (thanks for letting me down Pittsburgh, I guess that’s all I can expect from Philadelphia Junior). Does any of this really matter? No. Do I like to use this forum to toot my own horn? Yes. What is most important? It’s not whether I win or lose the office pool (and several hundred dollars) but whether or not the Villanova Wildcats (where my father attended law-school and for whom I have rooted for over 20 years) can continue on their winning ways and upset Kansas and then Wisconsin or Davidson to make the Final Four. That would be something to truly get excited about. In N.I.T. news, my UMASS Minutemen upset Syracuse for the second time this season last night to stay alive. If the NCAA is the dance, I guess the N.I.T. is the alternative prom.

WELCOME TO THE SOFT-DRINK JUNGLE
After seventeen years of artistic toiling and tweaking; will free soda finally convince Guns N' Roses front-man Axl Rose to release 'Chinese Democracy’?
Dr. Pepper is leaning on the volatile singer to release the album (delayed for a mind-boggling thirteen years), pledging that they'll give every American aside from Rose's guitarist foes Slash and Buckethead, a free can of soda if the album is released this year.
The company says they understand Rose's artistic integrity due to their own struggle to create their soft drink. "It took a little patience for us to perfect Dr Pepper's special mix of 23 ingredients, so we completely understand and empathize with Axl's need for the perfect album," said a company spokesperson. It looks like those 23 ingredients could be expanded to 25 with the addition of two new flavors (for your ear), Guns and Roses.
'Chinese Democracy' has become one of the most notorious examples of a highly-anticipated album that may never be released. Rose's infamous perfectionism has kept the album off the shelves for nearly two decades, save for some less-than-finished song leaks on the Internet. My only hope is that if the album is released it follows in the steps of Dr. Pepper and that Diet Guns and Roses sounds more like Original Guns and Roses.

SPRING HAS SPRUNG
Winter has come to an end and spring is upon us. I hope you all take advantage of the nice weather and spend a little time outside this weekend (unless you’re glued to the NCAA games; that’s completely understandable). I want to remind all of you registered PA voters that our big primary is just around the corner and to encourage you to vote for Barack Obama. If you missed his latest (and perhaps greatest) speech, you can catch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWe7wTVbLUU

A quick belated Happy Birthday to my father who celebrated turning 65 earlier this month as well as a Happy Pre-Birthday to my friend Nina who will be celebrating a week from today.
Thanks again for dropping by, I hope you’ll take sometime today to share this site with several people. Yes, I said several. Please make sure you stop back soon, to get more truth, straight from the Spoon.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Kelly said...

This is the best news source on the internet. Finally humor has teamed up with news.

March 26, 2008 4:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny is the new sexy...are you single?

March 26, 2008 4:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love the picture of Hillary.It is a perfect companion to your article on her being shot at by snipers in Bosnia.Perhaps she was as confused about sniper fire as Bill was about having sex with that woman.
Thanks again for the latest edition !

March 26, 2008 4:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your headlines are a hoot.I also like your sense of humor. If we don't laugh at these events , we might go stark raving mad with dispair.

March 26, 2008 4:55 PM  
Anonymous John said...

Seriously, where do you come up with your headlines? They are priceless. The articles are a riot too. Ever thought about putting out a book?
Keep the Spoon FULL

March 26, 2008 5:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love your blog . If Hillary's story about Bosnia were published on McDonald's blog would it be called a McLie ?What is the difference between Hillary and Burger King ? Nothing, they are both selling a whopper.Sorry for the sophomoric attempt at humor but I couldn't help myself.

March 27, 2008 9:06 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home