A heavy dose of truth, humor, and political activism.

Location: Phila, Pennsylvania, United States

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


Wow. That one word sums up the last few months. From my stand-up comedy debut, to the Wall Street bailout, to the two greatest victories of my lifetime in a single week; it has been a crazy ride. Your Spoon is ready to go…dig in!

We did it liberal America. We banded together, utilized the internet and our phones, donated our time, our money, and our hard work…and it paid off! After eight horrible years of the worst political “leadership” in my life-time we are finally getting rid of Dubya and his band of goons. And the best news is that we are replacing him with someone who stands for change. If we had elected John McCain it would have subjected us to Bush’s 3rd term and another four years of Bush’s policies. Sarah Palin is also about as evil as Dick Cheney. It would have shown the world that they were right, that American’s are stupid war mongers. But that is all behind us. We did NOT elect John McCain. We banded together and showed ourselves and the rest of the world that we refuse to be led and represented by someone like George W. Bush or John McCain. Barack Obama was the political Viagra we all needed to make Americans stand at attention after 8 long years of Electile Dysfunction. As I watched Obama’s victory speech last Tuesday night (as well as McCain’s concession speech, which to be fair, was the best I’ve ever heard) I was struck with the feeling that we still have many hard times ahead for the United States but for the first time since Bush took office I have faith in our leadership to see us through it. We still have two wars raging, we still have our country’s recent recession and wall-street buyout to survive, but America is strong again and we can do this. I attended Villanova’s first men’s basketball game on Thursday night and as they asked us to rise and remove our caps for the National anthem I was struck with a feeling I couldn’t place. It was an old familiar feeling but one I hadn’t felt in almost a decade. Then it hit me; the feeling was pride. I rose, removed my hat, and listened to the entire song; something I had refused to do for at least the last four years. It wasn’t because I hated America; I was just disgusted with our government and the fact that American’s had re-elected them and have still yet to hold them accountable for their actions. I guess I was not alone. Many of fellow citizens felt the same as I did, and young and old they stood up and demanded change. Obama even took states that are generally GOP strong-holds. Thank you America. You have renewed my faith in our ability as a country and as human beings to fight for the things that truly matter. We chose hope over fear. We did not allow the racism that has existed (and still exists in many places) to keep us from electing America’s first black president. Obama’s wife and children, all of whom are descendants of slaves will now be living in the White House. What a powerful moment for African-Americans, for the way Americans are viewed throughout the world, and for those who chose to see the man for his uncanny leadership ability and not the color of his skin.


The Secret Service takes a lot of risks for the first family. These agents are even supposed to take a bullet and trade their lives to protect the Obama’s. As one small perk, it's only fair that the agency gets the honor of coming up with code names for the president-elect and his family. Various sources recently revealed the not-so-secret nicknames. They all feature names that begin with the letter “R”.
Mr. Obama will be known as "Renegade". Michelle will be referred to as "Renaissance". Malia Obama's name will be "Radiance," while little sister Sasha's will be "Rosebud."
And what about the Biden’s you ask? His name will be "Celtic." His wife Jill will be "Capri." Not quite sure why they decided to go with a “C” theme here.
I didn’t bother to search for the nicknames for the Bush’s or Cheney’s but if they had chosen to use a “B” theme (after all, even George knows that Bush starts with B) here are some good ones that come to mind:
Bush: “Bumbling” (as in bumbling idiot)
Cheney: “Buckshot” (as in what your face will be filled with if you go hunting with him)
Laura Bush: “Blind-Eye” (as in the blind eye she must have turned to all of his less-than-human dealings)
Lynne Cheney: “Bi-Sexual” (as in, she’s in favor of both her gay-bashing husband, and lesbian daughter)
Barbara Bush: Booze Twin 1
Jenna Bush: Booze Twin 2 (no explanation needed for these two)

I do have one question though: Why have code-names for the first family and then make them known? Kind of defeats the purpose of a code name don’t you think?

PHINALLY! WE ARE WORLD FUCKING CHAMPIONS! Thank you Chase Utley for saying what every Philadelphian had been thinking for the past 48 hours, we are World FUCKING Champions! What a ride! First we win the division when everyone said the Mets and Johan Santana couldn’t be beat. Then we played the Brewers. They had traded for C.C. Sabathia who had been unstoppable on the mound; we stopped him. Next came the Los Angeles Dodgers. They thought they could ride the Manny express elevator to the top of the NL but they neglected to realize that the Phillies would take the (Matt) Stairs! Finally, it was time to play the Rays in the World Series. The Rays had a story book season. They beat the Yankees and Redsox to win the toughest division in baseball. They beat the White Sox and Red Sox in the playoffs. The night they clinched a World Series berth Evan Longoria told a reporter on the field that it was the biggest win in Rays’ history. I turned to my friend and told him, it will remain the biggest game in Rays’ history because we’re winning the whole shebang. Thanks for not proving me wrong Phillies. No team or fans in history have had to wait to win a suspended World Series game…until we did it. The 48 hours of limbo between the top of the sixth inning and the bottom of the same inning were intense. When it was time to resume the game, we fans were ready. As Brad Lidge threw the final pitch and won the game I was overcome with a feeling I have never felt in my life-time before, the feeling of being on top; of being a World champion. We spilled out on to Broad Street and I watched as the city celebrated what we had been waiting 25 years for, a title. Yes, cars were flipped, stores were looted, fires were set, riot police were sent in, but it was all in good fun…right Philly? The parade two days later was unlike anything I have ever seen. I watched (along with millions of others along the parade route) from Broad and Ellsworth as the parade went by. It was magical. I then hustled down the Citizen’s Bank Park (many miles on foot but subways weren’t running and the streets were filled with people instead of the usual cars) to catch the ceremony from the press box. It was surreal. I know many people were upset with Utley for dropping the “F-bomb” in front on children and TV cameras but I loved it. He didn’t use it to put people down (i.e. “Fuck every other city but Philly”) he didn’t drop a religious or racial slur. He won the first title for this city in 25 years, paraded to the ball-park through millions of excited fans, and then was asked to speak ten minutes ahead of time. He was excited, he was a little drunk, and he was 100% right. Philadelphia, we did it, we are World FUCKING Champions. Phinally!

Californians voted to pass proposition 8 and for the first time in history, decided to take rights AWAY from people that had already been awarded by the state’s Supreme Court. Really Cali? I thought you were all so liberal and ahead of the curve. Arnold admittedly was involved in several group sex orgies and you elected him Governor but suddenly you don’t want to let gays keep the right to marry? You didn’t even have to vote to let them have those rights, they all ready did. You did however, vote to take them away. Maybe more of you should smoke some of that legal marijuana that you’re lucky enough to have and mellow out a little. Besides, if you really are anti-gay and want them to suffer, give them the right to marry. Then, just vote to take away their right to divorce. Ouch.
Then there’s Arkansas. You Razorbacks voted against allowing gay couples to adopt. God forbid we should have a loving same-sex couple provide a nurturing environment for a child in need. We’d be much better placing them in the dysfunctional home of man and woman who in many cases adopt for reasons that are less than honorable (I’m not saying this is a practice for all straight couples by any means). Shame on you Arkansas.
Alaska, you voted for a senator who has been convicted of felony crimes! Are you mad?! Now you’ve opened the door for Sarah Palin to give herself that senate seat. We need Sarah Palin back in Alaska, not in Washington DC. If you hadn’t voted her in as your Governor I’d think you were embarrassed by her and trying to get rid of her. Oh I said it, you betcha! Palin was asked to drop the first puck at the Flyer’s home opener and was booed by the Philly fans. I love my city. I’m sort of surprised she didn’t try to drop the first puck at the Montreal Canadians game; that would have just about doubled her foreign experience.
Then there are all of our government officials in Washington (some of whom have already been voted out). The Wall Street bailout…are you kidding me? Where’s my bailout? I’ve made a few bad choices with my money in the past too. When are you going to step in and bail me out? I promise to do the same as all of these banks and try to use the money to pay my CEO bonuses. FYI, I am the CEO. What about all of the American citizens who can’t pay their mortgages and lost their retirement savings? Where is their bailout? Why didn’t you just pay off all of their mortgages so that the banks could get their money and people wouldn’t lose their homes in the process? Who is it that elected you again, banks? It sure seems that way. I know this bailout money is supposed to be paid back but I can’t help but be skeptical. I demand oversight Washington. Before the election I told my rep (Chaka Fattah) that if he voted for the bailout I wouldn’t vote for him. He voted for the bailout. I wrote in Chase Fucking Utley.

I know it’s been a few months since my performance but many of you haven’t seen my stand-up comedy debut in Philly’s Funniest Person contest. I was selected to perform and wound up beating out several of the other contestants…not bad for my first time writing my own jokes and performing them. I have other comedy gigs lined up in the future including a benefit for Stand Up for Kids (http://www.standupforkids.org/) in Philadelphia on Friday, November 21st at the Dark Horse (near 2nd and Lombard). It is a great cause and tickets are only $7. I encourage you to make it out if you can. There will also be musical acts performing as well as drinks specials and good people. For those of you who would like to see the video of my performance in P.F.P. contest (which was at Helium Comedy club in Philly) you can watch the video at the bottom of this post. Enjoy!

I was shocked to learn during last week’s election that a few people I know had voted for McCain. When I asked them to explain to me why they thought he was a better candidate to lead our country, they all came up with answers that were completely off base. One person told me they wouldn’t vote for Obama because he was a Muslim. He is not a Muslim. In fact, one of McCain’s staff members had served as the lobbyist for Saddam Hussein. It stuck me that there are many people who vote Republican but who really benefits from it? The richest 2% of Americans do. Everyone else who votes Republican actually suffers economically from it. So why do they do it? I think it’s because the Republicans decided to become the party of racists and evangelicals. Republicans give the rich tax breaks, they give tax breaks to companies who ship jobs overseas, they backed a war that gave us the biggest deficit in U.S. history, and they are (for the most-part) anti-gay and pro-life. This is where they draw votes in. People who find themselves also on the pro-life and anti-gay side of the fence vote for these clowns. Then they claim to be the only ones who can keep us safe in these rocky times. Did they keep us safe on 9/11? Have they kept our soldiers safe in Iraq or Afghanistan? Did they keep our citizens safe after hurricane Katrina? Did they protect us against the greed on Wall Street or rising gas prices? Did they protect all of the Americans who couldn’t pay their mortgages and lost their homes? Did they protect the over 44 million Americans without health benefits? Did they protect us against global warming? No. But they did help themselves. I’m not saying that people should never vote Republican. What I am saying is before you vote for a candidate out of hate, or religious convictions, realize that you might really be hurting yourself.

There were three inductees into the Toy Hall of Fame in Rochester, N.Y this past weekend: the skateboard, the baby doll, and…a stick? That’s right, a plain old stick. The stick (along with its’ two fellow inductees) joined 38 other toys in the Hall of Fame. Unlike many toys that run on batteries, the stick is 100% imagination operated. What are the criteria for induction? Longevity is a key criterion for getting into the hall, which the museum acquired in 2002 from A.C. Gilbert's Discovery Village in Salem, Oregon. Each toy must not only be widely recognized and foster learning, creativity or discovery through play, but also endure in popularity over generations. The stick joins the cardboard box (a 2005 inductee) as an object that has captured generations of imaginative children (and animals). Many animals (especially dogs) also play endlessly with sticks. I went to an elementary school that was located on sixteen acres in the woods and we played with sticks constantly (the only rule being, no sticks longer than your arm were to be played with…safety first).
"It's very open-ended, all-natural, the perfect price [free], there aren't any rules or instructions for its use," said Christopher Bensch, the museum's curator of collections. "It can be a Wild West horse, a medieval knight's sword, a boat on a stream or a slingshot with a rubber band. ...No snowman is complete without a couple of stick arms, and every campfire needs a stick for toasting marshmallows.” Other toys on display in the museum include the bicycle, the kite, Mr. Potato Head, Crayola crayons, marbles, and the Atari 2600 video game system. Parents, if you’re looking to make ends meet this holiday season, why not just break a branch off the old Christmas tree, remove the needles, and wrap it up. When your child opens the gift and says, “What is this, a stick?”
You can reply, “No, it’s whatever you want it to be”.

I would like to thank all of you loyal Spoon readers for your years of support. I am going to try to publish once a month from now on. For all you new readers, thanks for taking the time to read the Spoon, Full of Truth. All I ask of everyone is to show a little support. Forward the link to the site to some friends, family, or co-workers, and take the time to leave a comment by clicking on the link after each post! You can agree or disagree with me, add your own two cents, or suggest ways I could improve the site (I'd also like to know what you like about it). Thanks again everyone! Check back soon for another truth filled edition of the Spoon.