A heavy dose of truth, humor, and political activism.

Location: Phila, Pennsylvania, United States

Sunday, April 23, 2006


YOU DON'T OWN ME (YET) My friend Alan and I have a partial season ticket plan to the Phillies. To answer your question, yes, of course we are gluttons for punishment. It comes with rooting for any Philadelphia sports team. We were sitting in our seats, eating ice cream, when it became time for the 7th inning stretch. On the score board, a big graphic announced, "7th Inning Stretch brought to you by McDonald's". It seems that even something as pure as the 7th inning stretch in a baseball game is no longer free from some sort of corporate sponsorship. I'm sure in the coming years even our teams will have an official sponsor. The McDonald's Phillies at Philadelphia. When we saw that McDonald's was sponsoring the act of standing up and stretching our legs, I immediately thought, why shouldn't I get corporations to sponsor my every move? I can just announce my actions out loud (like my own voice over) and make everyone aware of the fine people who are paying me to do so. Here are a few examples. Upon exiting a room to use the bathroom, "Hey everyone, I have to go take a dump (brought to you by Taco-Bell)". When I wake up to go to work and my head is still pounding, "Man, I have a killer headache (brought to you by Jose Cuervo Tequila)". My friends want me to go out to an expensive restaurant that I can't afford, "Sorry guys I just don't have the money to go there tonight (brought to you by Student Loan Payments)". I bump into one of the guys I hated in high school, "Wow that guy is still the biggest dick I've ever seen (brought to you by Viagra)". I have nothing to eat for dinner except the three day old pizza in the fridge, "This is some of the best tasting pizza I've ever had! (brought to you by Marijuana)". It would be greedy of me to keep all of the sponsors for myself though, even something like World News could benefit from have sponsors for every story they run. "Africans are contracting AIDS in astounding numbers (brought to you by the Catholic Church)". "Another American G.I. was killed today when a roadside bomb exploded next to his convoy that was not protected with proper armor plating (brought to you by Halliburton)". "George Bush yesterday raised the terror alert level from yellow to orange (brought to you by Duct Tape, and the Motion Picture, Fear)". With just a little help from good old corporate sponsors, my life could give me a lot more to look forward to, and put some extra money in my pocket. (brought to you Democrats for President 2008). GIVING SOMEONE A PENNY FOR THEIR THOUGHTS COULD SOON MEAN PUTTING YOUR TWO CENTS IN Pennies haven't been made out of copper since 1982 when copper prices rose so much that the U.S. Mint began using zinc (with a copper coating) to make our pennies. Now it's zinc's turn to shine. Since the end of 2003, the price of zinc has tripled (by comparison, gold has only risen by fifty percent). Because of the rising cost of zinc, and the additional cost to produce a penny once the metal is obtained, it now costs the U.S. Mint about 1.4 cents to produce one penny. That's right, each penny that is produced COSTS the Mint almost half of a cent. What's more, the U.S. Mint produced 7.7 Billion pennies last year (that's more than the nickel, dime, and quarter combined). In the first few months of this year, penny production has risen to an annual rate of almost 9 billion, the highest since 2001. Four pennies are now worth more than a nickel. Eighteen pennies are worth more than a quarter. But don't suddenly try to offset those extra high gas prices by paying with pennies. You'll be hard pressed to find a store or corporation to give you the value of the zinc instead of the one cent coin. I do have a few suggestions that could benefit both the American people and the American government (a crazy notion, I know). The Mint stands to lose 3.6 billion dollars this year alone producing pennies. I think they should team up with the IRS and let everyone pay their taxes in pennies. You all know you have jars and jars of pennies laying around somewhere. For every five pennies you give them, they should give you credit for six. This would save every American money on their taxes (If you owed $15,000 in taxes you'd pay $12,500 in pennies) and would save the U.S. Mint 1.8 billion dollars by recycling pennies and not having to pay for new zinc. Think they'll go for this? I doubt it. Our government doesn't seem to care about saving tax payers any money. They'd rather throw away 3.6 billion dollars a year. 3.6 billion does seem like a drop in the bucket when compared to something like the cost of the Iraqi war, but money is money, and they need to smarten up. They can start by giving me a penny for my thoughts, and then buying it back for 1.2 cents. THE REVIEWS ARE COMING! THE REVIEWS ARE COMING! The time has come folks. That's right, it is almost time to unveil the brand new Spoon, Full of Truth: Reviews. This spin off site will offer reviews of movies, music albums, artists, travel, and night life. You've come to rely on the Spoon for the truth about life and now you can get the truth about many other things as well. Look for the REVIEW link that will be appearing soon and please check out some of the reviews that will be posted shortly. Unlike the original Spoon, this site will offer the truth from both the male and female point of view (although the female point of view is always welcome to submit guest columns to this sight). Thanks for reading, and keep coming back as many more exciting things will be happening at the Spoon in the coming months.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006


YOU ARE OFFICIALLY ON NOTICE I know it's wrong to stereotype one group of people or another. I feel that there is an exception to this. I have no problem grouping people together based on a behavior that they all share. Further more, I have no problem calling these people out. Today I will begin the first installment of Spoon, Full of Truth: You've made The List. Just like making Dubya's To Do List (pictured above), making this list is not an accomplishment. These people and their behavior bother me so much that I can not stay silent any longer. The following groups of people are now officially on The List (in no particular order).
1. People who snore when they are awake. Look, it's bad enough that you probably keep your spouse awake at night but spare the rest of us. I spent my lunch hour yesterday in a quiet cafe sitting next to a woman who was reading the paper and snoring. Every time she breathed I wanted to hold her nose shut. I know people who make their spouse sleep in a different room because they snore too loudly while they sleep. Do people like this have to live in a seperate house all the time? Do you think they only snore when they are awake? Get yourself some breathe right strips people. 2. People who don't control their children in public. If your children don't know how to behave, leave them at home. These two little kids sitting at a table near me today were screaming and jumping up and down and making way too much noise. Their mother, eventually, hollered at them. "Keep it down, I don't want to hear it!" You don't want to hear it? They are your kids! How do you think the rest of us feel? I'm sure I want to hear it a whole lot less than you do. There's a reason I don't have kids yet. I don't want to put up with them. I certainly don't want to put up with your hyper active little ones. Give them some ritalin, put a muzzle on them, I don't care. I know it's considered child abuse these days to smack your own kids but maybe it should be legal for someone else to do it, someone needs to. 3. Snooty Coffee Shop employees. If I order a large coffee, just smile and bring me a large coffee. I don't care what fancy, stupid name you give it. "You mean a Grande coffee sir?" Did I ask for a Grande coffee? I said large. If you're smart enough to brew the coffee you should be smart enough to shut your hole and serve it. I refuse to play your over-priced-coffee-with-stupid-names-for-the-sizes mind games. Otherwise I'm going to start paying for my four dollar coffee in pennies and make you stand there while I count them out one at a time. I come to get coffee to keep from getting a headache, not so I can get a bigger one. 4. People who stand in a long line to order food (or another product) and don't think about what they want before they get to the front of the line. You've just been standing in line for twenty minutes like the rest of us. You couldn't have taken thirty seconds out of your busy waiting schedule to decide what you want to order? The other day I went to get some water ice (it's like Italian ice, only better, for those of you not from the Philly area) and this woman and her kids get to the front of the line after about ten minutes and only then does she start asking them what they want. If you get to the front of the line, and you're not ready to order, you should have to go to the back of the line. Better yet, you should have to pay for whatever I order. Time is money, and I'm paying for every minute of my life that you waste because you can't think five minutes ahead. These people act like it didn't even cross their mind to consider what they might like until they've reached the very front of the line. Maybe they just need a separate line for idiots. 5. Video store employees that think they are movie critics. You aren't movie critics. I give you my money, you give me my movie. You operate a cash register. You're like a cash machine that gives out movies. I don't ask the ATM for financial advice, "Excuse me ATM, how much money would you recommend that I withdraw today?" I just tell it how much money I want and it gives it to me. You're just there to bring me the movie I ask for. I don't want your opinion of the movie, or any other movie, unless I ask you for it. I don't ask the people at McDonald's what they suggest I order, "Do you think I'd enjoy the Big Mac or McNuggets better?" You know why? Because they don't know me. They don't know what I'd like better. They know what they like better, and I could care less what that is. So please, when I tell you what movie I want, don't comment on it, don't suggest something I'd like better, just bring me the movie I asked for. Why do you think I'd like your movie better, because you like it better? Maybe I'd like working in a video store better than my job too, but I doubt it. You clowns get two thumbs down. 6. Fat people who wear regular sized clothes. Yes, technically, fat people have the right to wear whatever they want just like the rest of us. But if good looking women with nice firm breasts can't walk around topless, then I don't see why I should have to look at 300 pound women trying to squeeze into a spandex belly shirt. What's really more indecent? News flash: They make fat people clothes for fat people! Have you ever seen a 120 pound woman put on a size 18 dress? Looks stupid right? Way too big. It works the other way too tubby. If you're fat, fine, be fat. But for the love of god, buy proper sized attire. Trust me. If they intended everyone to wear the same size clothing, there would be only one size. If you want to wear a size 6, hit the gym and become a size 6. Just because you can squeeze your big fat as into it, doesn't mean it fits. This goes for guys too. They make the XL shirts for a reason. If it's stretched skin tight over your beer gut, it might be time for an upgrade. Let me make it simple. Just apply the same wisdom you use for your fast food orders to your clothing, and super size it. 7. People who think they are cool because they play their car stereo so loudly that deaf people can hear it. It's bad enough that the people you are driving around have to listen to your crappy music. I don't want to hear it. If I wanted to hear other people's music I'd go to a club. Turn it down. Yes it makes people take notice and look at you but I'm going to let you in on a secret...they aren't saying "Hey look at that cool guy with the really loud stereo!" What they are saying is something to the effect of, "Interesting, I didn't know you could over compensate for such a small penis with such loud, obnoxious music." If you want to play music for other people, get some turntables and become a DJ. I know you aren't playing the music that loud because you can't hear it otherwise. You just need attention. For my sake, just put a big neon sign on the roof of your car that says, "HEY EVERYONE, LOOK AT ME, I'M COOL!" and spare my ears. That's going to do it for the first installment of The List. If you didn't make it this week, don't worry, there's unlimited space and chances are, I'll get to you sooner or later. TAMIFLU IS FOR THE BIRDS Remember the bird flu? The one that was supposed to be a global pandemic? It was discovered almost ten years ago in Vietnam and since that time it has killed 100 people, world wide. That hasn't stopped the U.S. government from buying up Tamiflu, the alleged remedy for Avian Flu. In July (according to Fortune Magazine), the Pentagon ordered 58 million dollars worth of Tamiflu for U.S. troops all over the world. Too bad it doesn't also double as body armor. Congress is now considering a multi-billion dollar purchase of Tamiflu. Who owns Tamiflu and stands to profit from all of the increased sales? Halliburton? Good guess, but no. It is however, a company that one of Dubya's boys is very closely connected to. Tamiflu is produced by Roche and owned by Gilead. In the past year, shares of Gilead have increased by over twelve dollars a share. Good news for Donald Rumsfeld. That's right folks, the Secretary of Defense owns a stake in Gilead worth somewhere between five and twenty-five million dollars (and growing). Let me paint you a picture. Donald Rumsfeld is the Secretary of Defense, the Pentagon orders millions and millions of dollars worth of Tamiflu, and the more Tamiflu that's sold, the more money Rumsfeld makes. And where is the money in the defense budget come from? Tax payers perhaps? Who set this up for him, Barbara Bush? Former Secretary of State George Shultz (a board member at Gilead) has sold more than 7 million dollars worth of his stock since 2005. Another board member is the wife of former California Governor Pete Wilson. "I don't know of any biotech company that's so politically well-connected," says analyst Andrew McDonald of Think Equity Partners in San Francisco. 100 people have died since this disease was discovered a decade ago. Despite this fact, the U.S. government feels the need to buy up a ton of Tamiflu (which hasn't even fully proven to be effective against Avian Flu) and as can be expected, Bush's friends stand to make money on the deal, while tax payers take a hit. Sound like a bird-brained use of money? Not for the Turkeys in the Bush Regime. IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE, NO! IT'S SPOON MAN! Good thing we all own some stock in the company that produces the remedy for lies and propaganda. That's right, the Spoon is producing the only known cure, The Truth. Consider yourself protected. If we can spread this cure to as many people as possible, we might be able to stop the pandemic known as the Bush Regime. Check back soon for another dose and if you know someone that has been effected, direct them to the Spoon, Full of Truth, to get their medicine.

Monday, April 17, 2006


DO YOU KNOW THE MUFFIN MAN? With summer fast approaching I am on my annual kick to lose the extra pounds I packed on in the Winter months. I've been exercising like crazy, running three to five miles a day, almost every day of the week. I've started lifting weights again. Those are the easy parts. I have what you would call a little bit of a junk food addiction. I am a child of a father who lives by the motto "If it tastes good, it must be good for you!" Since I am never really able to kick my junk food habit altogether, I have begun to look for ways to trick my stomach (and brain) into thinking it's getting the fix it needs. One way I've been successful is to eat things that are lower in sugar and fat, but still taste like they should be bad for you. While at the supermarket a few nights ago, I thought I had found something that would fill this requirement, Uncle Wally's Gourmet Fat-Free Muffins. They looked pretty good and at 135 calories a muffin and no fat, I figured I'd give Uncle Wally a chance to become part of my extended family. This morning, as I was enjoying a blueberry muffin, I was very pleased. These muffins were a wonder for 135 calories, almost too good to be true. But wait, not almost too good to be true, they are too good to be true. As I went back for my second muffin of the morning I happened to glance at the serving size. I had assumed the serving size for a muffin would be one muffin, but we all know how the saying about assumptions goes. The actual serving size of one of Uncle Wally's muffins? Half a fucking muffin. Who eats half a muffin? More importantly, what sneaky nutritionist came up with this serving size? I feel dirty Uncle Wally. You're like the creepy molester uncle who plays "good touch/bad touch" and then tries to make it "our little secret" (I have no such molester uncle, although many people do). You molested my trust in baked goods Wally, but I'm not going to keep your secret. Anything can be good for you if you make the serving size something stupid and put a little spin on it. A Big-Mac can only have 100 calories if you make the serving size 1/8 of a Big-Mac. Coca-cola recently made 100 calorie cans of coke but they actually made the cans smaller so one serving size is still one FULL can. They didn't just say Coca-cola now has 100 calories (serving size 1/2 can). I take responsibility for my part in this Wally. I didn't fully read the information on the front of the package. I let me stomach and my brain believe what they wanted to believe. Your muffins are tasty, even at 270 calories. But for making the serving size 1/2 a muffin so you could list the calorie content as 135 calories, you're an ass hole, and I won't ever buy your muffins again, and I hope none of my readers do either. ONE IF BY LAND, TWO IF BY SEA, AS MUCH AS THEY CAN GET IF YOU'RE FLYING Every time I finish bitching about the airlines, their rude staff, shady practices, and horrific delays, they seem to come up with something else for me to complain about. As little as ten years ago when you took a flight you could reserve any seat you wanted, got a hot meal, could watch a movie, get a pillow or blanket if you were cold, or a soda and peanuts when you needed a snack. You could do all of these things for free, they were included in the price of the flight. Those days are over. Airlines are beginning to realize that once you're in the air they can charge you for anything they want. It's not like you can step out for a minute and get a better deal at 30,000 feet. The latest airline outrage? Air Canada has stopped giving passengers those cheap blankets and pillows for free and is beginning to charge two dollars for an inflatable pillow and blanket. Who wants to bet that they will also start lowering the temperature on every flight so everyone onboard needs a blanket? American Airlines no longer even gives out free peanuts. Instead they give passengers the choice to buy a snack pack for four dollars. Are we suddenly in the midst of a peanut famine? This same airline also recently experimented with charging passengers one dollar for a soft drink. Last month, Northwest Airlines began to charge fifteen dollars for an aisle seat. If I'm paying fifteen dollars for an aisle seat, and the guy in the middle needs to get up to go to the bathroom, do I get to charge him three bucks (plus a two dollar re-seating fee)? Almost every airline has changed the maximum checked baggage weight from 75 to 50 pounds, and why not? Now they can charge you $25 for a bag that weighs over 50 pounds. Paper tickets will now cost you $25-30 dollars more than an electronic one. I didn't know paper had gotten so expensive. When did the paper a ticket is printed on start costing more than the piece of paper that had the twenty dollar bill printed on it? Maybe they should just start printing airline tickets on one dollar bills and save everyone some money. Unless they've commissioned an artist to paint my ticket by hand, where do they get off charging the extra $30? Thankfully, I use electronic tickets. If you don't have a computer and you fly a lot, just buy yourself a computer. It'll save you money in the long run. Airlines already charge a fee for every take off and landing. Let me repeat that. Airlines charge a fee for every take off and landing. That's in addition to the price of the ticket. What good is a plane ticket if you can't take off or land? Do they make planes that will just taxi down the highway and take me where I want to go? I guess none of this is really surprising. It will continue and we will continue to be charged more and more. Eventually you will be charged a fee to sit in the seat you paid for (of course sitting is required) and probably to use the restroom. Until people can find a new means of travel and can stand up to the airlines, they will continue to replace customer service, with customer service-fees. SOME MEMBERS OF BUSH'S STAFF TO REMAIN, OTHERS BOLTEN Joshua Bolten, the new White House chief of staff, told top presidential aides Monday to expect changes that "refresh and re-energize the team." He invited anyone who is thinking of leaving before year's end to do so now. What exactly refreshes and re-energizes a team of soulless, blood and oil sucking politicians? They've already sucked the life force out of America. They've already taken control of more middle eastern oil. Every time I see the Bush Regime really energized is when they've figured out a way to use something awful to achieve their agenda. They looked energized after 9/11. They looked energized when we attacked Iraq. So what will energize them now? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? That's right, Iran. Why the shake up in the Bush camp? It's not because the public has gotten sick of Dubya's cabinet. It's because Dubya now wants a war with Iran, and he has to start the new process of surrounding himself with people who will tell him exactly what he wants to hear. "Yes Mr. President, it is crucial that we attack Iran now before they have WMD's." "Yes Mr. President, a nuclear attack on Iran would be the best way to cripple their nuclear program. They can't have nuclear weapons, only we can. Jesus would want it that way." "Yes, Mr. President, I did remember to TiVo the Charlie Brown Christmas special for you." The reason Bolten is telling people who will leave before year's end to leave now is because everyone is Bush's cabinet knows what's coming. He's just giving them a chance to get out now before the have the blood of Iran on their hands. Hands that already have had to wash off the blood of Iraq, Afghanistan, New Orleans, and countless other Bush blunders. With many retired military generals calling for the resignation of Rumsfeld, Bush will either have to ignore them (like he ignores everyone else that disagrees with him) or will have to make Rumsfeld another scapegoat and replace him with someone that is no better. It will be very interesting to see who resigns in the coming weeks, who is let go, and who Bush replaces them with. You know you'll get the truth right here at the Spoon. ONE STORY I PASSED OVER I haven't forgotten my promise to bring you tales from the Passover seder and those will be coming later this week. I am still looking for guest writers so contact me, and share something with the loyal Spoon readership. Check back soon, for more truth, straight from the Spoon.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006


ICE CAPADES PRESENTS: JESUS ON ICE (BASED ON ACTUAL EVENTS) People will believe anything. Some believe John Edwards can talk to the dead. Some believe David Copperfield really made an elephant vanish into thin air. Some believe that Barry Bonds didn't use steroids, Tom Cruise is sane, and that OJ is innocent. As long as there are people to tell lies, there will be people stupid enough to believe them. Enter Jesus. If one thing is clear, it's that history will be written, and re-written, to be told as those writing it, want it to be told. There is plenty of evidence to show that some guy named Jesus actually existed. He may have done things that seemed miraculous in the time in which he lived. He may have convinced some people that he was the son of god. Those who wrote the events of the time may have helped bolster this claim. But it was just that, a claim. Religious fanatics do not like to look at good science. They can find a way to take hard facts and say they are wrong just because they do not support their beliefs. The fact is, the only thing that actually supports the belief that Jesus was the son of god, is hearsay. Science doesn't lie. Religion does. While there are some things science cannot prove, it can still help to disprove them. Take the alleged claim that Jesus walked on water for example. Doron Nof, a professor of oceanography at Florida State University (the same man who found a reasonable scientific explanation for Moses's alleged parting of the Red Sea) said last week that his recent study found an unusual combination of water and atmospheric conditions in what is now northern Israel. This could have led to ice formation on the Sea of Galilee. Nof used records of the Mediterranean Sea's surface temperatures and statistical models to examine the dynamics of the Sea of Galilee, which Israelis now call Lake Kinneret. The study found that a period of cooler temperatures in the time between 1,500 and 2,600 years ago could have included the decades in which Jesus lived. A drop in temperature below freezing could have caused ice, thick enough to support a human, to form on the surface of the freshwater lake near the western shore (Nof said). It might have been nearly impossible for distant observers to see a piece of floating ice surrounded by water. While this does not prove anything, it is a reasonable explanation for Jesus walking on water. I can already hear you crazy Christian fanatics out there debunking this explanation, but what is more likely? That a guy walked on water, died, was resurrected, and was later found to be the son of god (and we haven't heard from him since)? Or that he walked on a thick layer of ice, and through the years, history spiced it up a bit? When Nof offered his theory about the Red Sea fourteen years ago, that wind and sea conditions could explain the parting of the Red Sea, he received some hate mail, even though he noted that the idea could support the biblical description of the event. You know why he got hate mail? For the same reason he's getting it now. Because people use religion for one of a few reasons. One, is to control other people, to tell them how to think, how to act, and so on. Another reason, is so an individual can control their own fear that there isn't some grand plan for their life (and their after life). In either case, scientific explanations for alleged miracles, scare them. Sometimes people are so afraid of the truth, that they can rationalize anything. Even in the face of hard facts, they will disagree because it goes against their beliefs. A belief is something you can't prove. A fact is something that is proven. Even if science can't always prove that some event did or did not happen in the past, it can offer a legitimate explanation of how or why it might have occurred. Religion requires a leap of faith. This can sometimes be a good thing. Faith is not always bad. But, sometimes that leap gets so big, that it can jump over anything, even science, reason, rational thinking, and truth. PEDI-CURE FOR LONLINESS It was my wife's mutant toe that first brought us together. We both had profiles on a popular friend sharing sight. Part of my profile said I was not interested in meeting anyone who had a second toe, that was longer than their big toe. I wanted no part of something like that. I don't ask much of feet. Don't stink, don't be hairy, and line your toes up, according to size (shortest to tallest). My wife (although at the time she was not my wife but a total stranger) read the rest of my profile and sent me a quick message. "It's too bad you have a disposition against mis-sized feet, I really think we would have gotten along very well." When I got the message, I checked her profile. She seemed amazing. She was smart, witty, and aside from her mutant toe, gorgeous. But was she worth breaking my rules for? I decided to find out. We arranged to meet a few days later. We've been married for over a year and a half now. You do the math. It's funny how something I thought I would never be able to accept, is the thing that eventually brought us together. I love her mutant toe now, in a way, it was our little Cupid. So for all you lonely people out there that put up barriers and make rules that prevent you from meeting the person that could very well be the love of your life, get off your ass and take a chance. You can thank me later. VERMONT: CHEDDAR, SYRUP, AND POOR ABBRIVIATIONS As I have mentioned before, I attended the University of Massachusetts. While in New England, I met a lot of kids who attended the University of Vermont. Every one of them confused me. Each state in the union is abbreviated by two letters. I hail from Philadelphia, PA. Disney World is in Orlando, FL. Starbucks was formed in Seattle, WA. Vermont is represented by the letters VT. This would lead any level headed person to believe that the University of Vermont, would be known in the college world, as UVT. Tell that to the students that go there. They all insist on calling it UVM. M? What's the M for? I understand that the word Vermont has two syllables. VER and MONT. Normally you only abbreviate entire words though, not syllables. So why do they do it? Your guess is as good as theirs. In fact, not a single UVM student I have ever spoken with could explain to me why they call it UVM and not UVT. You'd think they could at least make something up. Maybe I'm asking too much. However, if there is a current, or former student from the University that can help me shed a little light on this collegiate mystery, please drop me a line at spoonfulloftruth@aol.com. THIS IS JUST A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY CRAZY FAMILY SYSTEM. REMEMBER, THIS IS ONLY A TEST That's all for today people. Stay tuned later this week when I recount humorous (and sometimes horrific) tales from my crazy family's Passover seder that I will be attending tonight. While I do not actually believe in the religious beliefs of the Jewish faith, my family get togethers are events not to be missed. Not unless your main concern is sanity. Obviously, mine is not.

Friday, April 07, 2006


THIS WEEK IN BUSH There's no telling what the Bush family will do next in their plot for world domination. As I touched on in my last blog post, there is no limit to what this family will do, or who they will take advantage of, as long as it is of benefit to them. Today, the Spoon will speculate on what the next move of the Bush family just may be. I feel speculation in this case is fair because nothing I could think up could hold a torch to the next, actual, sick and twisted attempt to plunder America, at the hands of the Bush family. Here we go: Bush will have the U.S. Treasury start printing special $3 bills (complete with his photo on them) which will be used to help Katrina Victims get back on their feet. These 3$ bills will be distributed in mass amounts but will be the only form of aid available to hurricane victims. Tax payers will foot the bill for the new currency (just like we do every time the Bush's want to pad their deep, deep pockets a little more). The catch this time is, the $3 bills can only be spent on certain products, produced by certain companies (such as Haliburton and Ignite Learning). This list of products and companies will be determined by a special "independent" council put together by Dubya himself. Members will most likely include George Bush Sr., Barbara Bush, Jeb Bush, Neil Bush, The Bush Twins, Dick Cheney, Michael Brown (since he clearly has his finger on the pulse of what Katrina Victims need), Donald Rumsfeld, and Condy. Under the patriot act, anyone who questioned this new form of money would be called a terrorist and jailed at Gitmo. Leave it to the Bush family to create dollars that don't make any sense. HOMELAND SECURITY DISCOVERS NEW TERROR PLOT Before we all beat up on Brian J. Doyle for trying to solicit sex from a fourteen year old girl, let's consider his motives. Everyone jumped to conclusions after Katrina about Michael Brown and as we soon learned from our fearless leader George Bush, Brownie was doing one heckuva job. Everyone thought the same thing when Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face. But there wasn't even a police investigation. Surely the police would have filed charges if a crime had been committed. And what of Tom DeLay? He resigned to give other Republicans a chance to run in his district. He was just trying to spread the wealth, right? He probably would have won re-election anyway. He was never actually convicted of anything. Jack Abramoff who? I'm sure he just meant to donate the money and get a legal tax break for it like Barbara Bush did. This money is actually a legal donation to the U.S. Treasury, but it can only be spent on the campaigns of George Bush, Tom DeLay, and other good honest Republicans. So before we jump to any conclusions about Brian J. Doyle, let's consider one of the many possible scenarios that could have led to his recent actions. It is quite possible that some time ago the Department of Homeland Security got word that Osama Bin Laden was going to next attack the U.S. by starting life-long abstinence programs among our nation's young girls. Never mind religious groups who only condone sex after marriage, his message was no sex, ever. He figured that if these young women abstained from sex for life, Americans could not reproduce and would slowly die out and would eventually cease to exist. Abstinence is the biggest WMD of them all. If it was unleashed in America it would kill all 330 million of us within 100 years. In an attempt to foil his plot, members of DHS (including Brian Doyle) immediately began plans to have as sex with as many under-aged girls as possible before they could be brain-washed into thinking that sex was evil (much like when Catholics convinced Africans that condom use would eternally damn them to hell, but, evidently, AIDS would give them a speed pass to heaven). The press conference would have gone something like this: Dubya would have called Doyle a patriot who would do anything for his country, even have sex with fourteen year old girls (when he actually found such an act to be vile). When asked if he thought that having sex with young girls was a bad thing given his beliefs in Jesus and Christian "values", Dubya said that sometimes you have to break a few hymens to make a justice-freedom omelette. When asked to elaborate on this statement, Dubya scratched his head, snickered, pointed quickly to his right and yelled "What's that?!" and with reporters distracted, turned and ran. In actuality, Homeland Security press secretary Russ Knocke, in Washington, said he could not comment on the details of the Doyle investigation. Isn't it the JOB of press secretary TO comment? Rome wasn't built in a day and I guess bullshit can't be spun on the spot. It takes some time to portray something in a good light. Who knows, Doyle was probably just trying to interrogate the girl. Maybe he thought she was not only attempting to abstain from sex, but knew the location of major Al Queda operatives as well. "Hey baby, ever had sex with an older man while detailing terror plots before? Oh that feels good! Call me Saddam! You know what would be really hot? If you masturbated on a web cam while you told me the exact location of Osama Bin Laden. I know girls twice your age who can't do that." Until Russ Knocke and Scott Mclellan give us all the "real" story about the heroics of Brian Doyle, we should just assume he is innocent until proven guilty (after all, this is America and last I checked, Mr. Doyle is white). FOR THOSE ON A TRUTH DIET, HERE'S SOME LIGHTER FARE In a recent conversation with my friend (and avid Spoon, Full of Truth reader) Karen, I was made aware that many of the things I say to her during our talks on AIM, are saved and used as her comical (and sometimes nonsense laden) away messages. In a attempt to help more people bring humor and/or confusion to their friends (at least those who bother to read away messages), I will now offer the Spoon, Full of Truth AWAY MESSAGE OF THE WEEK. Feel free to post it and try it out on your buddies. Happy messaging. This week's away message: "Your superpower is that you smell like dandelions whenever someone lies" MOMMA SAID THEY WAS MY MAGIC SHOES, MOMMA SAID THEY'D TAKE ME ANYWHERE Right now they are taking me to Canada for a nice weekend with the in-laws. I hope you all enjoy your weekend as well. Take some time to absorb the massive amounts of truth you've just received, share it with some friends, and come back next week, hungry for more. This message will self destruct in 30 seconds.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006


NO WOOD FOR THAT BEAVER I know nothing about the movie Basic Instinct 2 except for this, Sharon Stone gets naked, again. Am I supposed to be excited? There's an old saying that goes, "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?" I'll take it a step further. Why buy the cow when you already got the milk for free like 14 years ago? The Sharon Stone beaver-shot might have produced a little wood when I was 13 years old and suffered from spontaneous erections, but at this point Sharon Stone naked excites me less than a good cheeseburger. I have my own basic instinct and it's to not waste any money going to a movie to see some chick who is 14 years past her prime try to relive her glory days by flashing a little skin at the camera. We get it Sharon, you still have a vagina. It didn't shrivel up and disappear. That doesn't mean I want to see it. Sorry that I am the one to have to break this to you, but once you show the goods, they lose their value. Why pay ten dollars to go to the theatre to see you naked when we could rent the original Basic Instinct from the bargain bin at the video store for two bucks and see you when you were fifteen years younger? Naked women aren't like wine. They don't get better with age. I'm not going to pay money to see what time (and the birth of a few children) has done to your body. Thanks but no thanks. I think I'd rather take the ice pick from your first movie and stick myself in the eye. There's another saying that goes, "You can't get blood from a stone," at this point, when it comes to Sharon Stone, I can't even get enough blood flowing to get aroused. I'M NOT JUST TIRED OF OLD BEAVER, I'M SICK OF OVER THE HILL BUSH It was recently reported that Barbara Bush made a large donation to the Katrina Relief Fund. Unlike most donations, this one came with a stipulation. The money had to be spent to purchase educational software. And not just any educational software. Software produced by Ignite Learning, a company owned by her son, Neil. (You can read a little about the story in USA Today: http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2006-03-24-bush-earmark_x.htm) Doesn't this sound a little bit like money laundering? Barb makes a charitable donation (for which she receives a tax break) and the money goes directly to her son's company. It is a better deal than if she had just given the money to Neil because she got a tax break for doing it. Furthermore, her donation did not FULLY fund the purchase of the software and additional funds had to be taken from the Katrina Relief Fund to help purchase the software. Basically she donated enough money to pay for some of the software but the money would go to waste if it wasn't spent on that exact software. This forced the Katrina Relief Fund to either make up the difference, or let the money go to waste. I have news for you, instead of cashing the check, they should have rolled it up and let Dubya snort a few lines of coke with it. I'm sure the first concern on the minds of parents and children who lost everything in Hurricane Katrina is that they have educational software in place. Never mind new homes, food, clothes, or even computers to run the software, they need software. And the software might as well come from someone as reputable as Neil Bush. We all remember Neil Bush, right? He served as a board member with Silverado Savings and Loan, a company that collapsed and cost taxpayers $1 billion. He had romps with Asian hookers. I could go on and on. (The Washington Post did go on and on: http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn/A35297-2003Dec27?language=printer) Barbara Bush said her main concern was educating children, and maybe she's achieved her goal. Listen up kids, your Auntie Barbara has an invaluable lesson for you: If you are rich enough, you can do whatever you want. Why give your grown son a big fat sum of money when instead you can donate it to him, get a tax break, and siphon other funds donated by the public to his company as well? This is the real lesson. The lesson is that the Bush family cares about one thing, The Bush Family. Period. Anything they do is for self gain. They might try to wrap it up and make it look like something else, but a rose by any other name is still a rose, and a Bush by any other name, is still a self centered ass hole (or coke-head, murderer, thief, war monger, liar, etc). They will take advantage of anything for personal gain. This would be like me donating $1 million to habitat for humanity but saying that the money had to be used to buy housing supplies from the housing supply company that my brother owned (my brother owns no such company) which uses materials that are known to cause cancer if you live in a house made from them. It's time the Bush family stopped using America, its tax dollars, its citizens, its government, and its armed forces as their own piggy bank. Dubya will be out of office soon, but when will the Bush family release the U.S. from their heartless grip of greed and corruption? ANYONE WITH A BRAIN, COME ON DOWN! YOU'RE THE NEXT READER ON SPOON, FULL OF TRUTH I just want to take a minute to thank all of my readers out there for continuing to read the Spoon and share it with others. The numbers of those seeking the Truth, one Spoon, Full of it at a time, are steadily growing. As long as you continue to crave the truth, it will be here ready and waiting. I am still looking for guest columnists so please contact me at Spoonfulloftruth@aol.com if you would like to share your wisdom with the Spoon's readers.