A heavy dose of truth, humor, and political activism.

Location: Phila, Pennsylvania, United States

Wednesday, January 06, 2010


2010. I never imagined that when I started the Spoon, Full of Truth back in December of 2005 that it would still be in existence today. There are two people (one is actually a group) I’d like to thank for making this possible. The first person I’d like to thank is me. Way to go David. You’ve done a great job over the past several years. Keep it up. The second “thank you” goes out to all of my friends, family, and readers for their support over the past four years. This site started out with just a small handful of readers and if it wasn’t for you it couldn’t have grown (and continue to grow) into the popular site it is today. In this post, I thought I’d take a look back over the past few years so we can all see what was going on around this time each year since the inception of the Spoon. I will start with current events, and we can work our way back.


Religion is a slippery slope (and not just in winter time). A fundamental aspect of several religions is that you are born a member of the religion by blood and not by determinations and actions you make later in your life. In Judaism if your mother is not a natural born Jew (converting often times is not recognized) then you are not considered to be Jewish by some members of the religion.
In a landmark decision by Britain's Supreme Court several weeks ago it was ruled that it is illegal for a state-funded Jewish school to base its admissions policy on whether or not the applicant's mother was Jewish.
Britain’s government, which has no separation of Church and State laws, funds a certain number of "faith schools" (Church of England, Roman Catholic, Muslim, Jewish, etc.). These schools are allowed to give priority to applicants who share the faith of the school. In the recent Supreme Court decision (5-4 in favor of the boy’s parents whose son was denied acceptance to the school) it was basically determined that the Jewish religion is not allowed to set the parameters on whom it considers to be a Jew. From now on, children who apply to one of the U.K.'s 50 Jewish schools will now have to take religious practice tests to ensure the schools are not discriminating against children on ethnic grounds. This means that a written test will now determine whether the child is “Jewish”. This seems a little crazy to me. It makes me happy that I live in a country where (although the line is becoming more and more blurred) there is a separation of Church and State and the court system cannot tell any recognized religious group that the base system of their beliefs is not permitted.

*The FAA has finally ruled that airline passengers cannot be held on delayed flights indefinitely. Under the new regulations, airlines operating domestic flights will only be able to keep passengers on board for three hours before they must be allowed to disembark a delayed flight. It is about time.

*Play-pens are for babies. Penitentiaries are evidently for U.S. soldiers that get pregnant with babies. For U.S. soldiers serving in Iraq, getting pregnant is now a punishable offense (court marshal or jail time). The rule applies to anyone who becomes pregnant or impregnates another service member, even if they are married. It makes me think of that old military song that goes something like this:
“This is my weapon, this is my gun, this one’s for shooting and this one’s for fun…”
Sorry soldier…looks like it doesn’t matter which one you choose to shoot that special lady with, you could wind up in jail either way. Better make sure the safety cap is on.

*Voters on the 2010 Census report can identify themselves as “Black, African-American, or Negro”. I understand that many older African Americans might still identify themselves this way, but it seems pretty outdated to me. I’m sure a lot of other racist terms were used for immigrants who came to this country decades ago and they don’t appear anywhere on the U.S. Census. I can't think of a single person I know who would identify as being "Negro". This struck me as odd so I at least wanted to give it a quick mention.

*I attended the 2010 Winter Classic (Flyers vs. Bruins) outdoors at Fenway Park in Boston on New Year’s Day and even though Ice Hockey isn’t my favorite sport (I do enjoy it) there was still something magical about getting to attend an outdoor hockey game. It was a once in a life-time experience I will never forgot. Too bad the referees jobbed the Flyers. I guess “Too Many Men on the Ice” is only a penalty when it happens indoors.


On a recent trip to the News Museum (Newseum) in Washington, DC, I had the chance to read headlines from newspapers all around the world. Although I can’t recall the title of the publication, one headline (from a newspaper in the U.S.) stuck in my head. Is it the worst headline I’ve ever seen? It’s right up there. The headline read:
“Will The Economy Rebound in 2009? Maybe.”
Maybe?!? The first job of a headline is to grab your attention and drag the reader in. From the headline alone I know I’m not going to get any definitive information out of the story. Why keep reading? It led me to consider writing personalized headline greeting cards to people I don’t really like. Here are a few ideas I had:

“Extra! Extra! Is Your Girl Friend Cheating On You? Maybe.”
“You Are Potentially the Ugliest One in Your Family”
“Something Sure Smells Bad. It’s Probably You”
“Your Parents Say You Weren’t A Mistake. Are They Lying? Maybe.”

I could scrap the whole greeting card idea and go to work for a major paper armed with my new journalistic tools instead. The articles would practically write themselves.

“Man Shot by Police in Liquor Store Hold up Was Probably Guilty”
“Could You Be Saving Money on Your Bills? I Guess So.”
“Iraq Might Still Have Weapons of Mass Destruction, Somewhere.”
“Gas Prices Drop, But They Could Go Back Up”
“Will Your Child Turn Into a Gremlin If You Feed Them After Midnight? I Dare You To Try It.”

Come on journalists! We have a reputation to uphold. If you think the economy will rebound, state your case for it. If you think it will continue to decline then present your evidence to that end. Otherwise, should readers bother reading your articles? Most definitely not!

There were three inductees into the Toy Hall of Fame in Rochester, N.Y this past weekend: the skateboard, the baby doll, and…a stick? That’s right, a plain old stick. The stick (along with its’ two fellow inductees) joined 38 other toys in the Hall of Fame. Unlike many toys that run on batteries, the stick is 100% imagination operated. What are the criteria for induction? Longevity is a key criterion for getting into the hall, which the museum acquired in 2002 from A.C. Gilbert's Discovery Village in Salem, Oregon. Each toy must not only be widely recognized and foster learning, creativity or discovery through play, but also endure in popularity over generations. The stick joins the cardboard box (a 2005 inductee) as an object that has captured generations of imaginative children (and animals). Many animals (especially dogs) also play endlessly with sticks. I went to an elementary school that was located on sixteen acres in the woods and we played with sticks constantly (the only rule being, no sticks longer than your arm were to be played with…safety first)."It's very open-ended, all-natural, the perfect price [free], there aren't any rules or instructions for its use," said Christopher Bensch, the museum's curator of collections. "It can be a Wild West horse, a medieval knight's sword, a boat on a stream or a slingshot with a rubber band. ...No snowman is complete without a couple of stick arms, and every campfire needs a stick for toasting marshmallows.” Other toys on display in the museum include the bicycle, the kite, Mr. Potato Head, Crayola crayons, marbles, and the Atari 2600 video game system. Parents, if you’re looking to make ends meet this holiday season, why not just break a branch off the old Christmas tree, remove the needles, and wrap it up. When your child opens the gift and says, “What is this, a stick?”You can reply, “No, it’s whatever you want it to be”.


I’ve heard many strange “separated at birth” stories before, but this one takes the (wedding) cake. Last Friday in London, it was announced that twins who were separated at birth got married without realizing they were brother and sister. This news was according to a lawmaker who urged that more information be provided on birth certificates for adopted children. A court quickly annulled the British couple's union after they discovered their true relationship, Lord David Alton said.
"Everyone has a right to knowledge about their lineage, genealogy and identity. And if they don't, then it will lead to cases of incest," Alton told The Associated Press during a telephone interview Friday. I would agree with Alton on several of his points but I’m not sure how often it would really lead to incest. I think in most cases of incest (back me up here West Virginia) people are fully aware that they are related to their partner and simply don’t care. Jerry Lee Lewis all but ended his career to wed his thirteen year old second cousin. Even the knowledge of incest couldn’t extinguish the desire burning in his great balls of fire. According to Alton, "They (the English couple) were never told that they were twins. They met later in life and felt an inevitable attraction, and the judge had to deal with the consequences of the marriage that they entered into and all the issues of their separation." Divorce is hard enough. Imagine finding out that the person you were in love with (and had been intimate with) was actually your sibling! What feelings would that bring up? Would you be able to just turn off the romantic love that you had build over time? Under British law, only a mother has to be named on a birth certificate. These certificates are not required to identify births that result from in vitro fertilization or to identify the sperm donor. That means that the same donor egg and sperm could be used by a surrogate mother to deliver twins without any information later available to the resulting children.

**Eventually just by default I think we’ll have an STD that only has good symptoms. For example, if a woman contracts Watermelonitis her vagina would then smell and taste like watermelon. Come on science! If Ronald Reagan can make Ketchup a vegetable then we should have fruit-flavored vaginas by 2010 at the latest.

**Some friends of mine came over last night and my one friend had recently gotten a nose job. She was commenting on an artsy menorah that I have sitting out (we are both Jewish by birth) and it struck me that a nose job is kind of like the Jewish circumcision for girls. Not that every Jewish girl needs a nose-job by any means but you all know what I’m talking about.

**My trip in November to Brazil with my brother was the best time I’ve ever had. I had never been to South America before and found the culture, landscape, food, night-life, and women irresistible. It was also the most time I’ve gotten to spend with my brosef in a long time and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I’ll post a few stories and photos in my next post.

**Where’s Waldo? I feel like no one’s seen him in a while.

**Thank you Evian for informing me on your label that zero calories are zero percent of my daily value of calories. If you’re not smart enough to figure that out on your own you can probably just drink out of a garden hose or something.


I am the world’s worst gift wrapper. As I spent almost an hour trying to wrap presents Tuesday night (ripping the paper, losing the tape, cutting the wrong size piece and not realizing it until the final fold) I started to wish there was just a product you could spray onto the gift that would form a dry coating that and then could be peeled off. This would make my life much easier. While this technology might not be available for Christmas gifts, it will soon be ready for penises. Unlike with holiday presents, wrapping up your penis can prevent the transfer of unwanted gifts (babies, HIV, and the gift that keeps on giving, herpes). By 2008 a German company will begin selling the world’s first spray on condom. The idea is simple, you stick your penis into the little device and it sprays on a condom layer that fits perfectly. How durable will this protection layer be? How long will it last? How do you remove it? All good questions, but none of this information is available yet. It also isn’t clear how small the device will be. Personally, I’m not sure how I feel about sticking my penis into a device that’s going to spray some coating onto it. I know there are some guys out there who would stick their penis into just about anything (or sadly, anyone) but I feel like I have to take a stand here. Being in a committed relationship I don’t have much use for condoms anyway, maybe I would feel differently if I did. This device seems like it would offer a much more snuggly fitting condom and as our male friends in India can attest to, when it comes to condoms, one size does not fit all.

*It’s impossible for a guy to look cool while drinking out of a straw. If you don’t believe me fellas, grab a drink, a straw, and a mirror, and find out for yourself. I know a few ladies on the other hand that can make sipping through a straw look pretty sexy.

*It takes 827 licks to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop (hey, what do you want from me? I was a fat kid with a lot of time on my hands).

*You know those Gatorade ads where the athletes sweat in bright neon colors? Then their slogan flashes, “Gatorade. Is it in you?” If it’s going to make my sweat bright blue or purple, I don’t want it in me.

*I’ve saved about $450 in haircuts since I started cutting my own hair. I’ve also gotten many more compliments on the faux-hawk than I did on other haircuts.

*Nothing beats a Bud? In what competition, worst beer imaginable?

*It’s been said that guys who drive big expensive, flashy cars are over compensating for a small penis. Not only do I not have any car at all, I don’t even have a bike. I walk everywhere. Draw your own conclusions.

*I have a male friend who lactates. I discovered this at a wedding when he decided to amuse guests by milking himself. I hardly liked milk when I thought it only came from cows and women. I like it even less now.

*If gummy bears ever came to life and could fart, I bet it would smell really good.

*Do you think that if I left pot-brownies for Santa, he’d put me on the naughty list?

*It looks like Dick Cheney’s daughter might be pregnant. You know the child was conceived out of wedlock. I guess Dick and his Christian buddies will have to take her hunting.

*They need to bring back the peanut doughnut.


A few months ago I was in the car on the way to Willow Grove (an area in the suburbs of Philadelphia). I was passing through the town of Glenside, driving down a large hill with a light at the bottom. As I neared the light, it turned yellow and I proceeded through it, as one does with a yellow light (well everyone except my mother who would come to a screeching halt). Within a few seconds a cop pulled out behind me, threw his lights on, and pulled me over. Now I'm sure there wasn't something more pressing for this officer to be doing at the moment, like say, preventing a crime, but he thought it was necessary to pull me over so I obliged. I still had no idea why he had pulled me over when he approached the car. He asked for my license and registration, both of which I provided. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" The officer asked. Sure I knew why he pulled me over. He had a raging hard-on for exerting power. Chances are he took his copy of my ticket home that night and jerked off to it. "I have no idea officer," I calmly replied. "No idea?" he inquired. Uh, did I stutter? You asked me, I said I had no idea, was that unclear? "No idea," I reiterated. Obviously he was confused, had I used a big word by mistake? He looked at me over the top of his bad-ass police issued sunglasses. "Have you ever heard of a red light before?" Look asshole, I just handed you my license, I've been driving for 11 years and have never received a ticket before. Do you think I've heard of a red light? Have you heard of a fucking doughnut? "Yes I've heard of a red light before," I informed Sergeant Obvious. "Well you just ran one," he countered. Was he trying to use the jedi mind trick on me? The force was strong with this one. I wasn't buying it. I kindly informed him that, contrary to his belief, I had not run the red light. He once again informed me that I had. This went back and forth for a few minutes at which point he returned to his car for several minutes, and then returned to mine, ticket in hand. I was informed that I was being issued a ticket for running a red light (I mean he'd been gone several minutes, obviously in his mind that was enough time for me to totally forget why I had been pulled over) and told me I was free to go. Surprised that someone with his mental capacity could ever write out a ticket, I took a minute to look it over. I had indeed been charged 30$ for running a red-light, another 25$ for the Glenside firefighters' widow's fund, another 25$ I decided to fight the ticket. I won.

The FCC (created to protect free speech) is trying to prohibit the use of the word “fuck” on HBO now. Thank you religious zealots! Not only can they not say fuck on network TV, or cable TV, but now they want to block it from premium TV too? How much do I have to pay to be allowed to hear someone say FUCK? Fuck! What all these morons forget is (and listen up so you don't miss this) Television and Radio both come with an off switch!! That's right people, if they are going to say FUCK on TV and you don't want to hear it, you're allowed to turn your TV off. But please, stop trying to keep it off of my TV because I don't fucking care how many fucking times they wanna fucking say fuck. OK? Thank you.


I enjoyed taking a look at a few current events as well as a look back at the past several years (during December and January) and I hope you all did too. As the Spoon moves into the fifth year I am planning big things! These include “Spoon, Full of Truth” sponsored events, merchandise, advertising, and expanded sections to showcase my artwork and comedy. In order to make these dreams a reality, I have added a “DONATE” button that can be found at the very bottom of the page (and also on the left hand side at the bottom of the archives). If you could find it in your heart to make a donation in any amount (I know times are tough) it would help usher in a new era of truth here at the Spoon. Please continue to share this site with as many people as you can. It's the responsible thing to do. I wish you all a very happy New Year, filled with hope, health, wealth, happiness, and above all, truth. See you soon, and Thank You, straight from the Spoon!