SPOON, FULL OF TRUTH
A heavy dose of truth, humor, and political activism.
- Name: D. Jacob Miller
- Location: Phila, Pennsylvania, United States
Thursday, December 29, 2005
ONE YEAR LEASE ON MISERY Renting sucks. I've done more than my fair share of it. I rented, and lived in, four different places in Massachusetts, and five in Philadelphia. Renters have no rights. Landlords can fuck you over and fuck you over and fuck you over and it's fine. God forbid any tenant should stand up for his rights and the law is there to keep them in check. "Not so fast buddy, there are laws in place here to protect the asshole who owns your building. Come back and see us when you have some laws that protect tenants. Until then, fuck off." I had to leave my last building because of severely negligent management. They refused to fix major problems in my apartment, even when given months to do so. When I stood up for myself and decided to withhold rent until the problem was fixed, they tried to sue me have me evicted. Now, if I wanted to sue them I couldn't recover court costs. If the landlord wanted to sue me, they could. How is that fair? I am now encountering problems at my current dwelling and have been getting the same "less than speedy" effort from the management to fix them. The staff of the building says the management is cheap (as the staff at my last building also told me) as do the repair people they call to my apartment. I live in a very nice building in a very nice neighborhood. This is as good as it gets. It isn't good enough. My current landlord went so far as to tell me he's put our repairs "on the back burner," Fuck that noise. Can I put paying rent on the back burner? Of course not. There are laws to protect that. Like anything else the laws protect the people with the power and the money and not the people who really need protecting. Fuck you management, and fuck you building owner. Thanks for taking all of my money and giving nothing in return. I hope your dicks go limp. Happy holidays. INTELLIGENT DESIGN Does anyone else find it a little ironic that the term intelligent design could never been used to describe creating anyone who actually believes in intelligent design? Oh yeah, someone really thought it out before they created human beings like George Bush. They really covered all their bases. I'm sorry if reading this blog is the way you're finding this out, but there is no guy sitting up in the sky in the kingdom of heaven. He just doesn't exist. No one created a garden of Eden, threw a couple of people in there, and let the rest just happen. Besides, if there was only Adam and Eve, and they just had two boys, where did all the other people come from? Did they fuck their mother? Do I pretend to know where life originated? No. I know it didn't start on this planet. I know "god" didn't create it. And if I am wrong? If god did create life? Then there are a lot of people worshipping a sadistic, heartless, evil, asshole. That's right I said it. If god created this life ripe with poverty, war, disease, and heartbreak, then fuck him right in his godly ears. Keep your mindless "god created life and put even a fucking ounce of thought into it" theories out of the classroom. It's bad enough kids are being taught that Columbus discovered America (for white folks maybe) and that all Americans have equal rights. You want intelligent design? Invent a machine that will make Republicans tell the truth. A NEW SEGMENT I've spent 27 years being embarrassed by things my mother did. She's wonderful person and mother, she's just a little out there. I think it's high time I shared some of these moments with the rest of the world. When I was 13 my family took a trip to Yellowstone National Park. To this day it is still one of my favorite vacations ever. The park publishes a list of park activities each month so visitors can easily find things to do while vacationing there. One morning my mother woke us up and announced that we would be driving about 100 miles to participate in a Yellowstone Scavenger Hunt. What 13 year old boy wouldn't like that? The four of us (mother, father, younger brother, and myself) piled into our rent-a-car and headed out. 100 miles is no short drive, but we were excited for the big hunt and figured the car ride was well worth it. It took us a little time to find the place, but we arrived just in time to join the scavenger hunt, or so we thought. We were indeed on time, but there would be no scavenger hunt that day. My mother had neglected to understand the clever pun that the park rangers had worked into the month activities bulletin. SCATvenger hunt. What is a scatvenger hunt you ask? It's a hunt for animal shit. That's right folks, a shit hunt. The park rangers supplied each visitor with a pair of rubber gloves and a little sheet that had pictures of various animals along side of pictures of each animals' feces. In what universe is this a good (or fun) idea for an activity? We had driven 100 miles to put on rubber gloves and collect animal dung. And collect animal dung we did. I am still a fan of scavenger hunts to this day. I will however, make it a point to never collect animal shit again. Thanks Mom. IT'S THE BIRTH OF THE LORD, QUICK! GET YOUR WALLETS! A friend of mine recently informed me that during her church's midnight mass on christmas eve, that the priest had no qualms telling everyone that they would be collecting money twice that night, once because it was christmas, and once because it was Sunday. Those good hearted christians, never afraid to show their love for the birth of their savior with a cash donation. Why stop with collecting money twice though? I hear Santa's elves formed a union in the last off season and the sky rocketing cost of their health insurance is becoming quite a burden on Old Saint Nick. Also, alter boys aren't going to molest themselves and cover ups aren't cheap these days. Dig deep in your pockets christians, it's jesus's birthday. If everyone kicked in an extra dollar next year, I bet we could get a really sweet birthday cake for the big guy. Even poor kids get a birthday cake from time to time, shouldn't we all donate a little more hard earned money and get one for jesus? It's not everyday that god has a kid for cryin' out loud. No one gets to eat the cake of course. It'll just be built in his honor and then allowed to spoil before some soulless (i.e., donationless) homeless people get their hands on it. Come to think of it, next christmas, I think everyone should just clean out their bank accounts and give it all to the church. After all, they will really put it to better use. Sure you might need food, or to pay bills, but the word of god isn't going to spread itself. Since church officials seem to be the only ones who can tell christians exactly how to avoid hell, I think it's safe that next season, you can all just donate your life savings (I hear they don't except cash in heaven anyway) because jesus would have wanted it that way. Hooray for jesus! 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1...HAPPY NEW YEAR! Well folks, it's that time of year again. See you all on the other side in the big '06. Stay hungry for another big spoon full of truth.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...My local video store has a section titled: Employee Picks. In this section you can find a few movies selected by each of the store employees as their picks of the week. Is this really a good way to select a movie? Just because someone is authorized to use a cash register and check my movies in and out, doesn't qualify them to select a movie I'm sure to enjoy. I would feel no more secure letting an employee of my video store select my viewing entertainment for a given evening then I would strolling into my favorite restaurant and asking my waiter to just pick the entree he likes the most and surprise me. Fuck that noise. You wanna suggest I buy rentals in bulk, thus saving myself .40 cents every time I rent a movie, you go right ahead. As long as I'm paying though, you can leave the movie selection to me. ALL RISE FOR MORE BULLSHIT As I mentioned in a previous blog, I had been fined $105, and had my intelligence insulted by a member of the Glenside, PA police force and decided to fight the ticket. In order to request a hearing to fight the ticket, you must first pay the ticket in full. How is that fair? Doesn't that give them all the power? "Well Mr. Miller, you're right, we shouldn't have given you that ticket. But...since we already have your money, why don't you go fuck yourself?" Being too stubborn to pay the myself, my wife kindly took it upon herself to send in a check and to request a hearing for me. My day in court finally came. I dressed nicely and showed up at the court house early, complete with my own lawyer. Shortly after arriving, I was told that the cop who had written the ticket had a family emergency and would not be able to attend the hearing that day. Another cop, told me that if I wanted, the township would drop the points that running a red light adds to your license, and just keep the fine. I didn't want points on my license. I also didn't want Glenside to have one penny of my money for issuing phony tickets. The cop on duty informed me that he knew the officer who had written the ticket and he would never issue a ticket for running a red-light if the person hadn't actually done it. Obviously Glenside teaches the jedi mind trick in their police training video. This was insulting. Could you imagine if defendants could try this tactic in court? "I know the defendant your honor and he never would have murdered all those people if they didn't deserve it!" I was told that I could reschedule the hearing. Not knowing the full extent of the law myself, it certainly came in handy to have a lawyer (or in my case several lawyers) in the family, one of whom was with me at that moment. He kindly told the clerk that we wanted to speak to the judge then and there and have the case thrown out for lack of prosecution (because the cop who issued the ticket didn't show up). The clerk looked very offended but we were able to speak to the judge, who promptly threw the ticket out, and refunded 100% of my money. Mmmm being right sure does taste good. SPY VS. SPY Just throwing this question to all you guys out there...how many of you have ever gotten a blow job? If you answered no, stop reading, you have more important issues to attend to. If you answered yes, you can probably sympathize with our last President, Mr. Bill Clinton. So the guy got his dick sucked. Who cares? We spent billions of dollars investigating the whole Lewinsky scandal. We tried to have the guy impeached. Why? Because the crazy white christians who are running this country couldn't stand to see a married man with his dick in a Jew's mouth. Talk about sin. Maybe Clinton should have taken the stance that our current President has been using. "Yeah I've been using the N.S.A. to illegally spy on Americans...and yes I'll continue to do so...anyone who doesn't like it, go fuck yourself" Maybe Clinton should have just said "Yeah I got my dick sucked. Have you seen my wife? She's not exactly a looker people. We have the biggest surplus in U.S. budget history, maybe the rest of you should be sucking my dick too!" That would have been good enough for me. I think we should have hired Monica has the official Secretary of Fellatio related affairs. Isn't the President supposed to represent the people anyway? Maybe all those guys in the red states need to go home tonight and tell their wives to get down on their knees and open wide. Maybe they are too busy fucking their livestock to stick their dick in a woman's mouth from time to time. Maybe if Dubya was getting a little head he'd calm the fuck down and stop blatantly violating all of our rights. How is it that we spent so much money investigating Clinton but when Bush boldly admits to breaking the law everyone just looks the other way? It was the same when he bailed on the military, when he snorted coke, when he was arrested for drunk driving in New England, when he helped 9/11 to happen, when he abandoned the citizens of New Orleans (although he sent plenty of help to the white folks in Texas), when he started an unjust war, when he wiped his ass with the separation of church and state, and most recently, when he illegally spied on U.S. citizens and then even tried to get the media (who has been nothing short of Bush's bitch over the last 6 years) to cover it up. Why has no one stood up and demanded we impeach Bush? Why is everyone taking this lying down? Is anyone as fucking mad as I am?? HOW DO YOU SPELL PUSSY IN EIGHT LETTERS? DEMOCRAT. The Democrats are a bunch of fucking pussies. Yes I am a registered democrat but it's only because I'd rather kill myself than vote Republican. It would be like if they made me label myself as either a person from New Jersey or from Texas. New Jersey sucks but I'd live there in a second over Texas. Back to the Democrats. So if there was ever an election where even those who were idiotic enough to vote for Bush twice aren't gung-ho about another G.O.P. President, the 2008 Presidential election is it. The Republicans have basically handed the election over to the Democrats. "Here you go you big fucking pussies, the election is yours on one condition: you have to find one Democrat in this country who has the balls to stand up to us." The Democrats have yet to find such a candidate. What's with these guys? Where is the passion? Where's the pulse? Al Gore could have beat Bush the first time but he didn't want Clinton's help. That guy got a blow job, he couldn't possibly help anyone get elected. Never mind the fact that he was insanely popular with African American voters, and in case you haven't noticed, there are a lot of them (whether they actually get out and vote is another issue). So Gore threw his chances right down the drain. That pussy couldn't even win his home state. John Kerry was a joke. I thought John Edwards seemed to have some life but no one has enough energy to bring Kerry to life. So here we are dead smack in the middle of Bush's 2nd term (and fuck you to anyone who voted for him either time, your ass should be over in Iraq fighting for "freedom" and "democracy" along with all your ugly Republican children instead of sitting here in the U.S. watching all the Nation's poor kids try to earn their college tuition while at the same time trying not to be blown to bits in the middle of the desert) and if ever there was a time for one of the Dems to stand up and be a leader, this is it. A lot of people are throwing Hillary Clinton's name around. I'm all for another Clinton. Sadly however the majority of the morons in this country (and yes I am speaking mostly about the southern states, the other red states) would sooner elect a cow-farmer to the Presidency than they would a woman (or god forbid a person of color or a Jew). So what do we do? I'd be happy to run for the Presidency myself but sadly these days you need a 100 million dollars to do so. You also need to be 35 years old. So to recap: We only have 2 legitimate political parties in this country (another blog topic altogether), one party is composed of wealthy, white, christians (and all the pro-military morons who vote for them) and the other is composed of pussies. What all the members of the pussy party (myself included) need to do is make our leader accountable. We have suffered long enough. We need someone who is going to stand up and fight for us, and we need to demand that it happen now. If the Democrats can't take the White House in 2008 they might as well disband. If the G.O.P. wins again this country is in for another long period of war, sickness, and poverty. I'll be leading the rush to Canada. STUPID FUCKING QUESTION OF THE DAY Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Don't you think we should just have one needle and use it over and over again? So what if it's diseased? So what if it's old and rusty and hurts a bit? It's not going to hurt for long. We need to stop spending money to keep these people on death row for 20 years on taxpayer money, feeding them a last meal of their choosing, and giving them sterile needles for their death injections. Lock them in a cell, feed them whatever the fuck is available and free (restaurants throw out tons of food everyday, make a fucking prison stew for them. They can either eat that or the alternative: nothing) and make them all share one needle. We can even pass the needle from state to state. Last time I checked, we weren't putting that many people to death on a regular basis anyway. If I want a bed to sleep on and something to eat, I have to pay for it. Why should my tax dollars go to feed some murderer? What's next? Using my tax money to fund a day at Disney World for pedophiles? I'm happy to take all of my old rotten food, stick it in a box, and mail it to the prisons so these criminals can eat. But I'd be much happier if my tax dollars went to feed other people who deserve it more, like say, the homeless. Let's stop being so nice to criminals, they aren't very nice to the rest of us. FEEDBACK MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND If you like what you read today (whether you agree with it or not) leave me some feedback and let me know. I was away for the holidays but am now back in full force. Check back soon for another SPOON FULL OF TRUTH.
#1 IN YOUR HEARTS, #2 IN YOUR TOILETS Yeah I'm childish sometimes. I'm a guy. Recently I decided it was time to coin a new phrase for taking a shit. My brother had dropped the term "smash" many times before and I thought I might adopt that. Shortly there after he began to use the same term for "knockin down a jawn" (that's sex with a girl to the layperson). "I just smashed," he'd tell me, eyes full of pride. That's great little brother but did you just fuck some hot chick or take a monster dump? I would have to continue the search. Being a person that spends a lot of time on the internet, I borrowed a phrase from my friends from the world wide web, logging on. Never again will you have to excuse yourself from the room to "take a shit" or "drop the kids off at the pool." From now on just tell your company you're going to log on. They'll probably just think you're going to check your email or read something inspiring online (this blog comes to mind). NIGHTMARE ON GAY STREET Afraid of the dark? How about things that go bump in the night? Werewolves? Vampires? Freddy vs. Jason? Well the closed minded Republicans who are running this country have a much more scary enemy to fight: love. "Oh my god! Run for your lives! There are two men over there and I think, oh god no, they're in love with each other!" Simmer down GOP. We have homeless people starving to death of the streets. We have kids who are being fast tracked to prison by the GOP inner-city education program, people are dying because they can't get proper health care without giving up luxuries like food and electricity, and you cock-smokers are worried about two dudes falling in love. Get you fucking priorities in order. What do you care if two men (or two women...and not just the hot ones fellows, the ugly butch ones as well) fall in love? How is that hurting you? Can't you just stick to normal GOP tactics and find a way to purchase and exploit gay love for tremendous profits? Or could it be that love just isn't welcome in your environment of fear? It wasn't so long ago in this country that blacks and women didn't have any rights either. It's called a civil rights movement dickheads, get used to it. NEON WOULDN'T LIE TO ME My wife and I went out for dinner tonight with good friends of ours. After a slight debate we decided on Mexican food. My friend knew a place he said was pretty good and all it took was pulling up in front of the place for me to believe him. Right on the side of the building in glowing neon for all to see read a gigantic sign: BEST MEXICAN FOOD IN PHILLY. You can't just write something in neon if it's not true right? I mean, neon and me go way back, neon wouldn't lie to me, right? Let me tell you something people. Neon is a backstabbing bitch. I'm not saying this place didn't have potential to be the best Mexican food in Philly. 50 other Mexican food joints could all burn down in the same night. Stranger things have happened. The food was decent. The best? Not even close. Remember the good old days of the neon sign? When people couldn't just write whatever they wanted and state it as fact? Where a sign stating: Home of the World's best coffee meant you had a pretty decent shot of ordering a decent cup of coffee, and getting it. These clowns today just write whatever they want in neon, it's lost it's credibility altogether. If you can't beat them, join them. I'm getting a neon sign tomorrow to wear around my neck that says: Home of the World's largest penis. That'll show em. SIGNS SIGNS, EVERYWHERE THERE'S SIGNS There's a diner in Philadelphia with a big-ass sign out in front that reads: The Broad St. Diner (and then slightly underneath) A place for Ribs. Not "THE" place for ribs, or "A GREAT PLACE" for ribs, just a place for ribs. Don't find many places like that around. Where else could someone in a city of millions hope to come across a place for ribs? Try any Chinese restaurant, most steak houses, or even the dumpster behind Chili's. I'm sure you could find some in any of those places. When the Broad St. Diner assembled their topnotch team of advertising executives to put this master piece out in front of their establishment, you think someone would have bothered to stop and consider what it was they were placing on their signage. So folks, should you ever find yourself in the city of brotherly love and have a less than overwhelming urge for some baby-backs, I know a place. THANKS FOR READING ANOTHER INSTALLMENT! 'Nuff said.
Friday, December 16, 2005
DO YOU SMELL BACON? I DEFINITELY SMELL A PORK PRODUCT OF SOME KIND...
BREAKIN THE LAW, BREAKIN THE LAW A few months ago I was in the the car with my wife and my father on the way to Willow Grove (an area in the suburbs of Philadelphia). We were passing through the town of Glenside, driving down a large hill with a light at the bottom. As I neared the light, it turned yellow and I proceeded through it, as one does with a yellow light (well everyone except my mother who would come to a screeching halt). Within a few seconds a cop pulled out behind me, threw his lights on, and pulled me over. Now I'm sure there wasn't something more pressing for this officer to be doing at the moment, like say, preventing a crime, but he thought it was necessary to pull me over so I obliged. I still had no idea why he had pulled me over when he approached the car. He asked for my license and registration, both of which I provided. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" The officer asked. Sure I knew why he pulled me over. He had a raging hard-on for exerting power. Chances are he took his copy of my ticket home that night and jerked off to it. "I have no idea officer," I calmly replied. "No idea?" he inquired. Uh, did I stutter? You asked me, I said I had no idea, was that unclear? "No idea," I reiterated. Obviously he was confused, had I used a big word by mistake? He looked at me over the top of his bad-ass police issued sunglasses. "Have you ever heard of a red light before?" Look asshole, I just handed you my license, I've been driving for 11 years and have never received a ticket before. Do you think I've heard of a red light? Have you heard of a fucking doughnut? "Yes I've heard of a red light before," I informed Sergeant Obvious. "Well you just ran one," he countered. Was he trying to use the jedi mind trick on me? The force was strong with this one. I wasn't buying it. I kindly informed him that, contrary to his belief, I had not run the red light. He once again informed me that I had. This went back and forth for a few minutes at which point he returned to his car for several minutes, and then returned to mine, ticket in hand. I was informed that I was being issued a ticket for running a red light (I mean he'd been gone several minutes, obviously in his mind that was enough time for me to totally forget why I had been pulled over) and told me I was free to go. Surprised that someone with his mental capacity could ever write out a ticket, I took a minute to look it over. I had indeed been charged 30$ for running a red-light, another 25$ for the Glenside firefighters' widow's fund, another 25$ for the Glenside children's computer fund, and an additional $25 for the Glenside library fund. I was furious. Fuck Glenside. Fuck its' firefighters. Fuck it's children and their computers. Fuck their library and literacy. Fuck it's pigs. I was not going to take this sitting down. I decided to fight the ticket. I COMPLETELY CHANGE THE SUBJECT I bet all of you readers out there were expecting me to dive right into the court experience (almost as infuriating as being pulled over was) but if I tell you that story right now, you might not come back later for the conclusion, so you'll have to wait. I would like to take this time to discuss something else very near and dear to my heart with you. Wait for it...wait for it...That something is my hatred for the people of Boston. I hate Boston. There, I said it. I've already declared my hatred for New Jersey so we might as well add Boston, hell, all of Massachusetts to the list. I didn't always feel this way you know. I actually at one point made a decision that I liked Amherst enough to attend college at the University of Massachusetts. Then, I actually attended it. The love affair would be short lived. Sure lots of things get me worked up, but very few like the accent of a Bostonian. Take a simple phrase like: I drove my car to the bar and got drunk. Now let's translate that into Bostonian. I drove my cah to the bah, and got wicked retahded. How fucked up is that? Not only do Bostonians refuse to pronounce the R sound at the end of a syllable, it's like they are actually saving them up to add to words that don't need them. Had any good ideas recently? Bostonians haven't. They've just had good ideaRs. What in the fuck is an ideaR? If you need a visual aid, I'm sure one of them would be happy to drawR you a picture. As I have stated before I am also a bitter Philadelphia sports fan. While at UMASS I sat through a Patriot's Superbowl victory while my beloved Eagles got bounced out of the playoffs by the candy-ass Rams. Am I bitter? I bet you have a pretty good ideaR of the answer. Sure, for a while any Bostonian could be brought down from their mighty Superbowl victory pedestal by the mere mention of the Redsox and the two numbers 19 18. Even after 2 Superbowls it still worked. But then the Redsox had to go and win the World Series and fuck all that up. So they get 3 Superbowls and a World Series within 4 years and Philly hasn't won anything in well over 20. Sure that's fair. The kicker is, most of them were probably too drunk to notice any of it. THAT'S RIGHT, I'M A MINUTE MAN Normally this isn't something you'd find guys saying openly. The obvious connotation being a fellow who's good for a whopping 60 seconds of good old fashioned baby making (or at least some serious practice). While this isn't my case (I swear baby nothing like this has ever happened before) I still find myself labeled thusly. Why is this? That's right folks, another big "fuck you wherever you go for the rest of your life" from our good friends from Massachusetts who thought it wise to name the UMASS mascot the Minute Men. I'm sure they thought that because this meant something completely different hundreds of years ago that it makes up for the recent terminology. Wrong again Massholes. Maybe if you all put the Sam Adams Lager down for a second you'd be able to keep it up for more than 60. Work it out. As for me, I actually only completed 3 years at UMASS anyway. I've been thinking of transferring my credits to another Institute of higher learning in the hopes of one day being labeled something much more manly like a Tiger or a Game Cock. I'll keep you posted. I DO SOME DEEP UNDERCOVER WORK Many of you may have noticed I was quite harsh to fat people in my last installment. Think I jumped the gun a little bit? I'll have you know that piece was very well researched. In fact, from 1990-1994 I myself went undercover as a fat person. I didn't get in so deep as to be one of the people I mentioned before, there are many subtle levels of the narrowly-challenged, but I was believable enough to be asked to do the truffle shuffle, and to receive a decent amount of titty-twisters from some of the more fit guys in my grade. I find when bashing someone it's best to walk in their shoes and get in their heads. When I was done I developed an ingenious idea to return to my slimmer former self, I developed diabetes. Take that zone diet. I'LL HAVE BURGER, WELL DONE, HOLD THE STUPIDITY Sometimes just when I think that you can't possibly be any dumber, you do something like this, and totally redeem yourself! Stupid people will never cease to amaze me. We'll be discussing them often on this blog site boys and girls. What follows, is the SPOON FULL OF TRUTH stupid act of the week. I like hamburgers. They taste good. Do I think it's cruel to slaughter cows just to eat them? Check my first ever blog post, my opinion on the food chain is clearly stated. One day a friend and I went out for hamburgers. I was thinking bacon-cheese burger all the way. In the burger hierarchy, the bacon cheese burger is King. I was all set to order when something caught my attention. A bacon cheese burger was priced at $7.75. A plain burger was priced at $7 even. There was an option to add toppings to a plain burger for .25 cents each. Among the list of toppings available were both bacon and cheese. The waitress came to take our order at which point I informed her I would like a plain burger (well done) with both bacon and cheese added to it. Total cost: $7.50. "So you'd like a bacon cheese burger?" she repeated back to me. She wasn't the brightest bulb on the tree. I had declared an intelligence war, my opponent was clearly unarmed. "No, I would like a plain burger, and add bacon and add cheese," I said again. What did this waitress and a clean cut white kid in the middle of North Philly have in common? Both are totally lost. I decided I was going to have to explain the situation. I proceeded to lay out the brilliant pricing scheme her smart-as-nails boss had chosen to use in burger establishment in which she found herself currently employed. You think that would have helped. I explained it again. She shook her head as if she understood and left the table. The burger with bacon and cheese was excellent. Total cost on the bill: $7.75. I paid it. Let's just hope she put the extra quarter towards a stellar 2nd grade education. Maybe she'll be lucky and get into the same class as George Bush. DON'T FORGET TO TIP YOUR WAITRESS That's all for tonight folks, drive safely, don't forget to tip your waitress, her education may depend on it.
STAR LIGHT, EYES BRIGHT
CHRISTMAS TREE, OH CHRISTMAS TREE My wife loves Christmas. LOVES it. Until last Christmas she had spent every one with her family back in Canada. Last year, due to some childish and uncalled for behavior by the U.S. Government (specifically I.N.S.), we were forced to spend the holiday here in the U.S. and were not able to travel to see her family. She had always wanted to see the big tree in Rockefeller Plaza in NYC, so I figured it would be a great time to cheer her up and take her to see it. For anyone who enjoys Christmas, NYC is already a magical place in December. For someone who lives and breathes Christmas like the wife does, it's like the holy land. I will never forget the look on her face when we rounded the corner and she saw the tree for the first time up close. Imagine your biggest dream coming true right before your eyes. This was the look she had on her face. Her beautiful blue eyes lit up like they were lights themselves. Her smile must have stretched the entire length of Broadway. I don't think I have ever seen a look of wonder and content like that before or since. It was truly a Christmas miracle. This year we're going to see my in-laws as planned. I hope something can put that look on her face again. That would be the best gift I could ever ask for. ONCE UPON A TIME Being 27 sucks. It wasn't all that long ago that life was easy. Everyone was still in college or had just graduated, no one was married, no one had kids, basically, we were all still young, without much responsibility, and free to enjoy life. When did all of that change? I never see my friends anymore. Some got married and moved away. Some had kids. Most are just too busy with their new jobs or bogged down with work from various grad school programs. Then there is me. I have no college degree to speak of. I don't work with the same regularity as other people. I have no real hobbies. I really enjoy writing but until starting this blog had no real format to share that with anyone else. I love being married. What I really miss is being able to call my friends up, at least on weekends, and be able to get together to have some fun together. Now even on most weekends they are too busy. I guess that means I should follow the trend and get so bogged down that I don't have time for anyone else like I used to as well. I'm just having a really hard time adjusting to that. I'LL BE YOUR HUCKLEBERRY There is no greater dog, nor companion to the human being, than the Pug. For 8 years a wonderful Pug named Huckleberry was a loving member of our family. She died of cancer 2 summers ago and there has been a hole in my heart ever since. That dog was always there to cheer me up when I was sad, to lend an ear and a friendly lick in place of advice. She was there to amuse us with her antics. She forced my father to socialize with people in the neighborhood (as the act of walking her fell upon him 99% of the time), which was very good for him. She loved everyone and everyone loved her. The day she died my father came home and found her on the kitchen floor. She had been sick for weeks previously (we had known the entire time that she had cancer) but on that day she could hardly move. We loaded her in the car and started the 30 minute drive to the vet. She lasted about 25 of those minutes. She lifted her head up one last time, licked us, and was gone. I can remember seeing the life leave her body. I hope she knew how much we loved her. YOU WANT IRONY? YOU WANT IRONY? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE IRONY Imagine the thing you love the most (not a person or a pet, but an inanimate object, a hobby, a passion, something to that effect). Now imagine that one morning you wake up, feel a little sick, and are then promptly told that it is your love that is making you sick, and will continue to make you sick for the rest of your life. I always loved candy. I still do. My father always loved junk food. I guess the candied apple doesn't fall far from the tree. When I was little I used to ask people for a giant bag of blow-pops for my birthday, would eat as much Halloween candy as I could stomach the first night, and frequented any store within walking distance where candy was sold. As my sweet tooth became more refined, it focused more on gummy candy. To this day it is a vice I have not been able to shake. But I have diabetes. As many of you may know, candy to a diabetic is like driving to the blind: it's something that's best to avoid. If I believed that god was a person, I'd believe that he was fucking with me. How could someone who loves candy so much be forced to live a life without it? If I could just take the shots (which suck enough as it is) and still eat the candy, I'd deal with it, but I was told to trade in gummies for injections, chocolate for finger pricks, caramel for urine strips. Fuck you diabetes. Fuck you right in the pancreas. QUIT OOZING INTO MY SEAT YOU FAT BITCH My father and I have season tickets to Villanova for basketball. Currently Villanova is ranked #3 in the country which would normally make going to games an amazing experience, and for the most part, it is. The seats in our section are bleacher seats, meaning every row is just a long bench and not seats. Each bench has numbers written on it so you know where to park your ass. As luck would have it, the woman who parks her ass in front of me should really be sitting somewhere that is a little more suitable for her size. Like Texas. Not only does this tubby bitch ooze sideways (which I am sure makes it uncomfortable for the 2 people on either side) but she hangs her size 50 ass halfway back into my seat leaving me very little room for my legs. Now she has as much right to be there as the next person. Lord knows it's good for her to waddle out of her home, huff and puff her way up the stairs to our section, and devour hot-dogs, I mean what would sports be if you took away all the overweight fans? I'm not saying she shouldn't be able to attend games, she just should have to buy 4 seats. The one she sits in, the ones on either side, and the one behind her, so that she, and others who have paid their money as well, can all enjoy the game in a semi-comfortable setting. YOU ARE NOW FREE TO MOVE ABOUT THE COUNTRY...NOT SO FAST TUBBY I'm not the first one to lobby for size restrictions for fans sitting in my section. Don't think of it so much as buying a seat, but as a unit of space. Southwest Airlines has done the same thing. Fat people now need to purchase 2 seats (probably 3 if they've really let themselves go) on all of their flights. Just call them the fat police. They claim that people aren't buying a ticket that allows them to take up all the room they need. They are buying a unit of space that they can use to travel on that flight. That unit of space consists of one seat, from armrest to armrest. If you need more room, great...buy it. Now this might seem unfair to some of you and to those people I say you must have never been stuck on a long flight next to a big fat person who is oozing over (and under) the armrest into your unit of space. I have. It's bad enough being stuck in the air for hours at a time with the shitty service, shittier food, and recycled air, without having the tons-of-fun (literally) guy next to you smashing his fat sweaty body into your personal space. I'm all for fat people flying (cause let's face it, they aren't gonna walk anywhere) but let's make them shell out for an extra seat the way they do for an extra value meal at McDonalds. They'll be more comfortable, and so will the rest of us. GOOD NIGHT WISCONSIN Or wherever it is that you live. In need of another Spoon Full of Truth? Check back this weekend.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DO
MONKEYING AROUND When I was 6 years old my parents took me to a pet store. We didn't really go there in search of a pet. I think it was just one of those things that happens when you drive a 6 year old past a pet store with a big-ass sign out front. You either take the kid inside as he requested, or bear the wrath of his screaming and crying the rest of the way home. In any event, this pet store was much cooler than any I have seen in my 21 years since. They didn't just have turtles, fish, hamsters, cats, and dogs like your run-of-the-mill pet store. They had monkeys. What 6 year old boy doesn't want his own monkey? To make matters worse, I was somewhat of a spoiled kid, so the monkey wasn't something I viewed as an outlandish request, but more of a right. I firmly laid down my insistence that my primate friend accompany me home at that exact moment. Request denied. My father, being a good sport, told me that when i was 13 years old, if I still wanted a monkey, he would buy me one. I BECOME A MAN Fast forward about 7 years. I was in daily preparation to become a man (at least in the eyes of my Jewish ancestors if no one else). Trying to learn a language I had no concept of, in hopes of being presented with lavish gifts, was anything but easy for me. Somewhere in the midst of this futile exercise, I decided to write out the entire Torah portion I was supposed to read into Heblish (the phonetic love child of Hebrew and English) and just memorize the fucking thing. About this same time I remembered my father's promise of a monkey. This was my first real taste of the cruel life lesson that goes something like this: a parent tells a child to do (or not do) something because the parent is wiser and already knows what the outcome will be. The child thinks the parent is unfair and idiotic and can't possibly know what they are talking about. The child gets older. The parent was right. Fuck. My dad's plan had worked to perfection. I was 13. I no longer wanted a monkey. DELA-WHERE? When most kids in Philadelphia say "I'm goin' down the shore" (that's the beach to a layperson) they are referring to the beaches in New Jersey. New Jersey sucks. All of it. The beaches, the people, the drivers, everything. Luckily for me, my experience with NJ beaches was limited. I once went to go visit my grandparents in Margate NJ during the summer months. I tried walking out onto the beach one day to go swimming and was stopped by a lifeguard who informed me I needed a "beach tag" to be permitted on the beach. These tags of course were not free. I wasn't about to spend my money in NJ. So fuck NJ and fuck it's beaches. Luckily for me, my parents owned a shore house in Delaware. The beaches are free and much more pristine, there is no sales tax, the boardwalks aren't overrun with white-trash teenagers (if you've never spent a summer evening in Wildwood, Ocean City, Atlantic City, or any of the other white-trash havens at the NJ shore...i strongly suggested adding it to your list of things to NEVER do), and the air smells nice. It's true you have to drive a little further from Philadelphia to get there, but man is it worth it. OK OK SO MAYBE I WAS A LITTLE HARD ON NEW JERSEY Any state that is home to a musical treasure like Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen has got to be good for something right? Ok so maybe all NJ is good for is Bruce Springsteen (i am open to arguments for Bon Jovi as well) but talk about doing one thing and doing it well. Bruce Springsteen is one of the greatest musical acts in the history of music. That's right folks. Fuck the beatles. Fuck bob dylan. Fuck pink floyd. Bruce Fucking Springsteen. If you've never been to see The Boss live in concert, get off your ass and make it happen. You know what? Never mind. Stay at home and listen to your crappy Coldplay albums, it'll leave more tickets for the rest of us. Unlike these phonies that charge 50$ for a concert only to play for 90 minutes, Bruce Springsteen never plays for less than 3 hours. I have seen him play in numerous venues in numerous states, and although i have seen hundreds (yes hundreds) of other concerts, there is no one else I would rather see. BORN IN THE U.S.A. , NOT TRYING TO STAY HERE I was born in the U.S.A. as were my parents, as were their parents. These days, i wish that weren't true. I wish I had been born somewhere exciting, somewhere where legions of idiots don't vote a Texas sized asshole to "lead" us; Amsterdam has a nice ring to it. I went to Amsterdam shortly after the 9/11 attacks. Afterall, there was no better (or cheaper) time to fly. Many of my friends who were supposed to come with me came down with a sudden case of "i'm a great big pussy who's afraid to fly just cause a few planes got blown up" and skipped the trip. Sucks to be them. Amsterdam is like Disney World for potheads. Americans wouldn't need a guy in a mouse suit and crazy rides with 3 hours lines if we were allowed to burn some top notch mary-j like the Dutch do. I think I was high my entire time there. Between the marvelous Buddha, the hash milkshakes, and the "space" cakes...There are limitless possibilities for intoxication. The city itself is gorgeous, and nothing brings out stunning landscapes, architecture, and priceless works of art like a good rip off a bong overflowing with tasty buds. WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT? Say smoking a little pot will mess up my short-term memory? Well all i have to say to that is: wait what did you say? THAT'S ALL FOR TODAY FOLKS You keep readin' em, i'll keep writin' em.
Friday, December 09, 2005
THE OFFICIAL BLOG OF INTELLIGENT PEOPLE
I AM NOW OFFICIALLY THE BLOG INTELLIGENT PEOPLE LOVE THE MOST (I CALLED IT) In the game of dibs I will now refer to as Officiality (hey if Dubya gets to make up words, I do too), being the way in which products are now marketed together in ridiculous fashion, I just scored a big one. That's right folks, if you're smart, you'll read my blog. It's official. I mean, the VW Toreug is "An official member of the King Kong crew". And what does that mean exactly? That if I like the movie King Kong i should authorize its' crew to pick my next $20,000 purchase? Coors claimed to be "The official beer of guy's night out." Why's it official? Cause you said so? Cause Coors called it? In that case not only is this the official blog of intelligent people but also the official blog the holiday season. MERRY CHRISTMAS? WELL FUCK YOU TOO This holiday shit is out of hand. I saw Bill O'Reilly (the official news source of brain cancer) on TV the other night. He claimed that no one should be offended by the greeting of "Merry Christmas". In the same breath, he then stated that the phrase "Happy Holidays" is very offensive to christians. Let me start off by saying FUCK YOU Bill O'reilly. There are many different holidays people celebrate this time of year. Now maybe to a non-christian like myself it's hard to understand the true spirit of christmas. As I understand it, christmas was supposed to be the day jesus was born. If I silly enough to think that jesus was god, I'd wanna celebrate too. Somehow that got turned into: "let's invent a big fat fuck in a red suit to bring presents to people that are really given by friends and family members who have to empty their wallets once a year to make people feel loved" day. Oh and while we're at it, let's all get big-ass trees and burn our houses down when the eighteen strands of lights from the dollar store that we plugged into one outlet surprisingly fail. My point is this, no one should be offended by the statement happy holidays. Unless everyone wants to start wearing a big sign on their head that states exactly what occasion they are celebrating this time of year (which is almost as bad an idea as voting for Bush) then the Happy Holidays say it best. I don't think all the holidays should have to melt together into one. Christians should have their trees and their Santa. Jews should have their dreidals and menorahs. Kwanza should be all about Kwanza (showing that i probably know as much about Kwanza as you do). When it comes to a holiday greeting however, happy holidays includes everyone. WHEN IS IT MY TURN TO CELEBRATE? For the last 4 seasons the Philadelphia Eagles have made it to the NFC Championship game, with a superbowl appearance last year. This year, we have been officially eliminated from the playoffs before they even begin. I've been a Philly sports fan my entire life. If you cut me, I bleed Philadelphia spirit. However, it's taking quite a toll on me and the rest of this forsaken city. Philadelphia NEEDS a major sports title. The days of wanting one are over. A superbowl would be first on my list. The world series would be nice too. Sure I'd take a stanley cup. I'd even settle for an NBA title. This city is so in need of a title that not so long ago we rallied around a fucking horse named Smarty Jones who just happened to be trained in this area and was going for the triple crown. He of course, in fine Philadelphia fashion, lost. There is still a billboard on the side of I-95 that reads: We believe in Smarty Jones. Yeah, and i still believe the Earth is flat. YOU'LL HAVE DEMOCRACY WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! The good old U.S. Government has brought "democracy" to Iraq. Now let me get this straight, when you purposefully lie to your own people, start an unjust war, over-thrown the leader of another country, occupy said country, and FORCE it's people to adopt the form of government you want them to have...is that really democracy? NO I'M NOT AMERICAN, I'M CANADIAN, EH. I recently took a trip to Italy. Not just any trip but my honeymoon with my beautiful Canadian wife. I got us Canadian-flag luggage tags for our backpacks so that we wouldn't have to bear the brunt of the anti-american world view that Dubya has been so kind as to perpetuate. People in other countries hate Americans now. They see us as piggish, think-headed, gung-ho cowboys. You know what? They are right. The majority of people in the U.S. are idiots. Anyone who buys into this Iraq war, or even the war on terror fits right into that category. George Bush allowed 9/11 to happen so he would have an excuse to start a war that would make him and his friends even more wealthy. I wouldn't be surprised if Bush actually aided in making the 9/11 attacks happen. So for us few smart-minded individuals left in the U.S. (mostly in civilized pockets known as blue states) we're just gonna have to deal with the world hating us for a while, and stock up on our Canadian flag luggage tags. As a side note here gentlemen, i strongly suggest taking a Canadian wife. Philly makes good cheesesteaks, Georgia grows good peaches, Texas spawns gigantic assholes, and Canadians make excellent wives! SHARE THIS BLOG If you're wondering what you can do this holiday season to spread a little love around, share this blog with those you know and love. Even share it with people you hate. The point is, share it. The more people who read this the happier I'll be. Making me happy is really what the holidays should be all about. Thanks.
THINGS THAT ARE MAKING ME MAD TODAY
NO REALLY, I AM MAD I'm not going to start with the first thing that made me mad today but rather the last. When writing a blog on this site I put in my little boldfaced headings (all in caps making it easier to pick out) and then when I try to hit the ENTER key to get a page break, it does nothing. So, I cannot properly put this into the format I want. Did I say properly? I probably meant easily. FUCK BEING DIFFICULT Everything these days is easier. You can get supermarkets to deliver your groceries (I am very picky about selecting fruit though so this just won't work for me. Besides I bet they give you the stuff that's set to expire first because they are dying to get rid of it), can rent movies through the mail, can date online, can shop online, but I can't get a fucking page break? I can tell you one thing that's not easier these days, at least not for me: getting older. I WILL KICK YOUR ASS That is exactly what my 18 year old self would say to my current day self if the two were to ever meet in a back-to-the-futuresque oddity. You know, when I was 18 I thought being 30 was the end of the world. Maybe the scariest part of being 27 is that I don't think 30 is that old anymore. I also know that the 18 year old me could beat the current day me in all sorts of contests. Drinking contest...GO! OK OK 18 year old me wins. Ummm...ability to not let the current state of the world get me down contest...GO! OK 18 year old me, you win that one too. Who can take the most bong hits contest...GO! Not so fast 18 year old me ;) YES I HAVE GLAUCOMA Did I say glaucoma? I meant Diabetes. I'm always getting those diseases that would benefit from legal use of marijuana mixed up. Glaucoma, Cancer, Anorexia, Diabetes (my own diabetes might influence this a little but what the hell, I like to lead by example) to name a few. Not to mention all the food we waste in this "great" nation of ours. I bet if you got enough stoners together, we could polish all that wasted food off in no time. EUROPE, YOU SLUT That's right, we said it Europe. You are a slut. That's exactly what a few ship full of prudes (er, puritans) said to their fellow countrymen a few hundred years ago as they set off to discover a new puritan paradise free of the evils of Europe like open drug use and uninhibited sex. I mean life is short, why waste it enjoying life's pleasures when we can spend it outlining for everyone else the behaviors that will cost them eternal damnation? When they happened to discover america (they discovered america like I discovered that snickers bars taste good) they kicked out all the natives (I mean people can't just walk around naked and live off the land, that's blasphemy) and began to lay the ground work for the "great" nation many of us now call home. THE UNITED STATES OF JESUS Look people, if you are easily offended by religious debunking, it's time for you to stop reading. For the rest of you, what's with the GOP becoming the jesus party? I disliked them enough before when they were just a party of stuffy, rich, assholes but this jesus thing is the kicker. I don't know if jesus existed or if the bible is just a fable meant to be taken as simple life lessons and not literally by some mad cowboys in the christian right. I do know this: if jesus did exist, he's probably pretty fucking pissed off at the things being carried out in his name. "I love jesus! let's tell everyone in Africa not to use condoms so they all get AIDS!" "No no, I love jesus! I'm gonna keep grown men in the church from marrying so little boys can get fucked in the ass by men they are supposed to trust." "Wait! I love jesus the most! he carried a message of love but certainly that wasn't meant for homos! What do homos possibly know about love?" JESUS FUCKING CHRIST The FCC (created to protect free speech) is trying to prohibit the use of the word FUCK on HBO now. Not only can they not say fuck on network tv, or cable tv, but now they wanna block it from premium tv too? How much do I have to pay to be allowed to hear someone say FUCK? Fuck! What all these morons forget is, and listen up so you don't miss this...Television and Radio both come with an off switch. That's right people, if they are going to say FUCK on TV and you don't wanna hear it, you're allowed to turn it off, but stop trying to keep it off of my fucking tv because I don't fucking care how many fucking time they wanna fucking say fuck. OK? 70% CHANCE OF SNOW 100% CHANCE OF BULLSHIT I think weather men (and weather women) should be treated like baseball umpires. If they make enough shitty calls, they should be fired. Three times this week my local news channels promised me significant snow fall. They even used a wonderful 5 point rating system to let me know how severe it would get in my neighborhood. This rating system was about as helpful as the terror alert rating system. It's yellow, oh now it's orange, oh yellow again, oooh orange...what's that red? green? blue? no? yellow? The fucking thing was between yellow and orange before 9/11 ever happened. We live in a world where everyone wants to kill each other (mostly in the name of jesus or some other vengeful god) and every countries "terror level" is at yellow or orange. Shut the fuck up about it. ELVIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING That's it for today people. I feel better now that I vented. I hope reading this eased your day a little too. If you want me to keep these coming, let me know.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
A GREAT BLOGGER IS BORN?
Hi I'm D. Jacob Miller and I am in search of intellectually stimulating individuals. I can't deal with all the hordes of brainwashed stupid people anymore. If I hear one more pro-bush related ramble I'm gonna throw up. I have a lovely wife who is very supportive but sometimes I need a format to ramble that isn't talking her ear off. Before I unleash the ramble that is a test blog (in what may become a continuing series), I think I'll try a new means of focus. Subheading all my thoughts. It'll make it easier for you to break it down and help maintain a nice flow of ideas. I maintain that all the information contained within is true, to the best of my knowledge. These days, that's about the best you can get.
GETTING TO KNOW YOUR BLOGGER
So all of a sudden one day it was okay to post opinion as fact (come on, you know you want to, everyone else is doing it, afterwards we're all gonna go jump off a bridge...room for one more) and the blog was born. If you haven't picked up on the sarcasm yet, you might want to stop reading...Now. I've never really done this before but I have a lot to ramble about so I'm gonna get it out. If you agree with me great, if you don't, great. I'm willing to open a dialogue with anyone who agrees or disagrees as long as they are open to hearing and considering opinions that might conflict with their own. I'm not always right, and neither are you. Yeah you. No, not someone else...You. If you just wanna spout crazy GOP nonsense and not listen to reason, please do it somewhere else. You can have as many pro GOP, NRA, Jesus loving, Gay-Bashing, War Mongering blogs as you'd like. This one is mine.
TONIGHT'S NON SEQUITOR (possibly misspelled)
There are these lakes up in the mountains in the Grand Tetons in Wyoming. You hike up to cabins around the lake and there is no electricity whatsoever. When the sun goes down, that's it for lights. It was requested that no one use flashlights. So one night I had to leave the cabin in the middle of the night to go to the outhouse (no plumbing) and there were stars where I had never seen stars before. Just everywhere, from one corner of the sky, to the other. The lake was completely calm allowing all of the stars to reflect back perfectly from below. Ever felt really really small? That is one of the coolest things I have ever seen. I didn't pause too long. It was freezing cold, I had to piss outside, and I'm afraid of bears. THE FOOD CHAIN I feel that it's only fair to be afraid of bears. If you're gonna eat meat (and I eat plenty) you at least have to submit to the entire food chain theory. Sure, you could take a chicken in a man vs. chicken battle for food chain supremacy. Probably even a cow (are we allowing weapons this year)? if it came down to it. But if you're off in the woods, taking a piss in a little wooden box at 4 in the morning, and a hungry bear comes along, Good luck with that.
I TAKE SOME TIME TO BRAG & FEEL REMORSEFUL I started speaking and reading at a very young age and started playing the violin when I was 2. I played at the Academy of Music when I was 4. When I was 11, I turned the local music world (a.k.a. mostly just my family, a few friends, my music coach, lovers of small boys with stringed instruments [Will the Catholic Church take 2 steps forward?]) on it's ear, when I promptly retired my violin and walked away for ever. Final Score: Wasted Talent: 1 David: 0
THE MAN IS KEEPING ME DOWN I went to school for Journalism thinking I could bring truth to the World. But ever since the Free Telecommunications Act (This was a dick move by Clinton, and I'm a Clinton guy) all the media outlets were bought up by a handful of people who now censor and control all the media outlets. Rupert Murdoch owns Myspace now. He also owns TV Guide and Fox to name a few. Fox and News should not be allowed in the same sentence. TV Guide (a.k.a. "Don't know what to watch? Let a stuffy right wing billionaire decide for you! TV Guide: Why think, when someone richer and more well connected than you are, can think for you" magazine) offers about as much unbiased information as Dick Vitale calling a Duke game.
MY ANALOGY IS LOST OF 89% OF YOU
The rest of you are obviously College Basketball fans. Let's go 'Nova. That's for you dad. IM ON THE CASE I was in Italy like 2 weeks ago (we were on our honeymoon) and I got to watch a lot of news broadcast from around the world and the U.S. doesn't tell us shit. Everything is candy coated. These acts are being carried out in the name of every citizen in this country and we're coming out looking like a bunch of Idiot Cowboys who show no discretion when it comes to lying to the world, and even the American public, about their intentions as well as actions. The GOP, FCC, and Media BIGWIGS will tell you anything they think they have to in order to keep you preoccupied and docile. You don't have to believe it. You don't have to believe what I am saying either, but if you do, I'll give you a dollar (dollar not guaranteed). AN EXAMPLE They interviewed Ronald McDonald on CNN. Ronald McDonald is a fictional character being played by a guy in a clown suit. That is the only story for which he is qualified to answer questions: "So what's it like to play Ronald McDonald?" ...and even then, he wouldn't be answering in character but as the actor. In the CNN interview, they acted as if Ronald McDonald was an actual person and interviewed him as if he was in character. This is "supposed" to be a reputable news outlet? And I'm supposed to believe anything they tell me about the war in Iraq? Sorry CNN and GOP, I'm not buying' it. ;) GIFT WRAPPING THIS UP It's the holiday season again and I couldn't help but feel like hallmark has been talking shit on me behind my back. How so you ask? Somehow the alleged birth day of jesus was magically turned into a day where a big fat guy breaks into your home and leaves you gifts. Along with this annual chimney invasion, the eight reindeer, and the snow man with the magic pipe, was born the guilt-inspiring notion that if you get no gifts, you've been bad. The stigma must be especially difficult to those in need this season who can't afford gifts for their children because they've fallen on hard times. Donate some toys. These kids have experienced hell over this past year. The one toy you donate from your child's pile (hey if you don't have any kids, why not donate a few gifts while you still can) will bring more happiness to these kids this holiday season no matter what their religion than they would at home. If they wanna force feed us holiday cheer let's choke it down with a big glass of kindness. Hallmark has turned this into a holiday of "prove you care about me by purchasing material goods" and these kids need to believe they are good. Most of them are. OK OK SO I GOT A LITTLE WORKED UP AND OFF TRACK I believe I was saying I felt betrayed by Hallmark. No, not so much betrayed...set up. Yeah I've been set up B. In this case, B stands for you. Yeah that's right, I'm talking right to you. Anyway so there is this standard that if someone doesn't get you gifts, they don't care. I like to give people gifts because I put time and effort into them and enjoy making them happy, not because it's time to hold onto the illusion of Santa into adulthood. Kids need Santa. Adults might need him too, but sometimes it's nice not to be expected to give gifts. I feel it's no better than when someone apologizes to you, and you know they only apologized because someone else made them do it. I realize I am focusing on just Christmas alone but I know the same goes for Hanukkah and many other religions as well...no gifts = no love. Fuck that math. In conclusion, I will buy presents this holiday season Hallmark. But if I didn't buy a single one, it wouldn't mean I love any of the people in my life any less than I would if I could lavish them with expensive presents.
FLIGHT TIME 10 HOURS, NO SMOKING OR COMMON CURTESIES
We flew Lufthansa to Europe a few weeks ago and they seemed to have their act together. Free drinks (including alcohol), free headsets for the movie, friendly staff, they still called coach class "coach class." On the return flight home we took USAIR. Alcohol was 5$ in coach; oh no sorry, economy class. They showed a movie but if you wanted to listen to it costs $5 for a headset. This is like someone setting down a big juicy steak in front of you and saying if you wanna eat it, it's gonna be $5 for a fork and knife. Of course all of these things are free in FIRST CLASS. It's name alone commands respect, FIRST class. I also appreciate the see-through curtain they draw between us bottom-feeders in economy class (how is $700 to fly to Italy a good economic choice?) and the "VIP" Kings and Queens of the first 10 rows. That's right economy class passengers...we'll let you see what's going on in First Class, the free headsets and alcohol, the little warm towels, no waiting for the drink cart...just don't come through the curtain and try to use our bathrooms. You have to set limits. Thanks for that USAIR. END OF THE ROAD? Should I continue to write these rambling, multi-titled, little blogs from now on? If you read this and have an opinion, feedback is greatly appreciated. I LEAVE YOU HANGING .....