HAPPY HALLOWEEN

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!! Welcome to the first Halloween edition of the Spoon, Full of Truth. I hope you're all having one hell of a Halloween and that you remember to take a minute today to honor all the great ghosts and goblins who gave their lives so that we could be free to celebrate by stuffing our faces with candy.

CORPORATE COSTUMES Corporations are always masking themselves as something they are not. This Halloween, I thought it would be fun to remove those masks and present a few companies with ad slogans that are a little more in line with their target audience and the way they conduct business. Each company's actual ad slogan is listed after the company title. The slogan in blue is the new slogan I've made up for that brand (along with a little blurb about it). I hope you enjoy the Spoon, Full of Truth corporate unmasking.

Burger King-- "HAVE IT YOUR WAY"
"Have it your way...Fat boy"
*With the recent trend of other fast-food chains getting healthier (KFC is doing away with trans-fat, McDonald's has lower calorie/fat options as does Wendy's and Chick-Fil-A) Burger King continues to offer high calorie, high fat foods (like their mega-fatty breakfast omelet sandwich). At Burger King, we don't care if you're fat. So you’re a fatty, why go somewhere that makes you feel bad about it? You want a 2 Lb. Burger with extra cheese and a large fries? Come to Burger King and have it your way, fat boy.

Maybelline--"MAYBE SHE'S BORN WITH IT, MAYBE IT'S MAYBELLINE" "Maybe she's born with it, maybe you're not"
*We've all seen the beautiful women in make-up advertisements but let's face it...those women, are born with it. They don't need Maybelline to look pretty, they just need their natural beauty. On the other-hand, you probably need to cake on a nice layer of foundation, some eye liner, lip-stick, blush, eye shadow, cover-up, and lip gloss just to have a shot at getting picked up by some overweight, drunk med-student in a dimly lit bar. Maybe she's born with it. You're definitely not. Cover up that mess of a face with Maybelline.

Taco Bell--“GET FULL”
“Because smoking pot is like beer goggles for food”
*Remember the other night when you got a little too drunk at that dimly lit bar and took home what you thought was a hot, young co-ed, only to realize the next morning that once she washed off all that Maybelline she was about as appealing as hand-job from Edward Scissorhands? Taco Bell, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Taco Bell, when your desire to be full outweighs the need to know what you’re consuming. We take crap, wrapped in more crap, cover it in three kinds of crap, surround it with a crunchy layer of crap and grill it (so you can eat it with one hand)…Taco Bell, make a run for the bathroom.

Hooters--"DELIGHTFULLY TACKY, YET UNREFINED"
"TITTIES, food, beer, TITTIES, televisions, and TITTIES"
*At Hooters, our wings are second only to our breasts. This month only, save 10% when you can complete your entire order without breaking eye contact with your waitress. Everything is better when it’s served by a girl with big tits in a tight shirt. Would you rather your doctor tell you that you had cancer, or a bubbly twenty-two year old in a skin-tight tank-top? The same goes for food. Our wings are so good, they’ll make your mouth water (at least that’s what you can tell your girlfriend when she catches you drooling).

Capital One—“WHAT’S IN YOUR WALLET?”
“Our card in your wallet, your money in our pocket”
*What’s in your wallet? We know it’s not your money because that’s in OUR wallet. Whatever…we do what we want. Do you hear that? That’s the sound of us lowering your credit score. Good luck getting a mortgage or an auto loan now. Oh, and while you were reading this, we just raised your interest rates.

Black and Decker--"IDEAS AT WORK"
“Labor not included”
*Your ideas for those great home improvements are hard at work, now if you could only get your contractors to get off their asses and do something productive. Don’t you wish that you got to take seven hours for lunch? Four out of five contractors who sit around doing nothing all day THINK about using Black and Decker tools. Black and Decker: ideas at work.

Domino's Pizza--"GET THE DOOR. IT'S DOMINO'S"
“Hey lazy, it’s your turn to make dinner”
*It’s your turn to make dinner again and your lazy ass didn’t think ahead. Now it’s almost 6PM, the kids are cranky, your husband will be home any minute, and there aren’t even any leftovers in the fridge. Domino’s to the rescue! Sure, our pizza tastes like crap and yes, we do support radical pro-life groups…but, we also deliver. Knock, Knock. Who's there? Shitty Pizza. Oh, someone get the door, it's Domino's!

Walmart--"ALWAYS LOW PRICES. ALWAYS"
"If it's cheap enough, who cares where it came from?"
*At Walmart, we don't waste money like other companies do on silly things like health care for our employees and it really shows in the savings we pass along to our customers. So most of the stuff we sell was made in a sweat-shop...I have one word for you: Rollback. Come to Walmart, and walk the line between morals and great prices!

Angel Soft (toilet paper)--"ANGEL SOFT. COMFORT WHERE YOU WANT IT"
"Because that ass is heavenly"
*That’s right! We are now a specialty toilet paper brand that only caters to those women who have angelic asses. Your behind is heavenly, why dishonor it by wiping with some run-of-the-mill terrestrial 1-ply? Imagine yourself in a disgusting port-a-potty with a terrible odor and crap all over the place. Now picture a glowing soft roll of Angel Soft hanging there just beckoning to be used; a little slice of heaven, in a place that smells like hell. Angel Soft, it’s some heavenly shit.

Delta Airlines--"WE LOVE TO FLY AND IT SHOWS"
"You have no other way to get there, so you’re fucked!"
*You have a 9am business meeting in London. How else are you going to get there? Swim? At Delta, we know you don’t have a choice. You have to fly, and we’ll be here to nickel and dime you every step of the way. Want a meal? $20. Want a blanket or pillow? $5. Hell, we might even start charging you to use the reading light or the restroom. Don’t like it? Good luck finding a better deal with one of our competitors. Delta: bend over and take it.

DUBYA ATTEMPTS TO TRICK VOTERS BY (MIS)TREATING GAYS
Over the last few months, President Bush has cast the midterm elections as a choice about just two issues: taxes and terrorism. Now, with polls predicting bleak results for Republicans, he is trying to fire up his party by again decrying gay marriage. "For decades, activist judges have tried to redefine America by court order," Bush said yesterday. "Just this last week in New Jersey, another activist court issued a ruling that raises doubt about the institution of marriage. We believe marriage is a union between a man and a woman, and should be defended." Everyone to your battle-stations! Homosexuals are attacking the sanctity of marriage again! Less than 50% of U.S. households are now made up of married couples. On top of that, more than 50% of all marriages end in divorce. What exactly are we protecting? Nothing. This isn’t about protecting the sanctity of marriage. This is about Dubya rallying a bunch of hate mongers in order to get their vote. Yeah the GOP started the war in Iraq, we molested children, we let thousands of people die during Katrina and treated the survivors like animals, we’ve caused the rest of the world to hate us, and we’ve trashed the economy. However, if you elect Democrats, they’ll let the homosexuals marry. It doesn’t get any worse than that.
Marriage isn’t something that needs protecting, education is. Why isn’t education a bigger election issue? How about healthcare? How is it that people hate homosexuals so much that they will vote for terrible candidates based on nothing else?
Allowing two men or two women who love each other to marry would only be doing good things for the institution of marriage. Don’t let Bush’s hate tactics trick you into voting for the Republicans next week. A Democratic senate would be the real treat.
TRICK OR TREAT
I hope today's episode of the Spoon, Full of Truth proved to be a real treat. If not, and you've gotten this far, at least you read it. Why not trick someone else into reading it too? Have a great Halloween and check back soon, to get some more truth, right from the Spoon.

WILL THIS ELECTION BE A TRICK OR A TREAT?

UPCOMING ELECTIONS ARE GIVING ME GAS
The price of gasoline has fallen to its lowest level of the year according to the federal Energy Information Administration. The cost of a gallon of gas has plummeted by more than 80 cents since the start of August. The previous 2006 low for gasoline was set in the first week of January, when pump prices averaged $2.238. Lower gas prices right before the elections leads me to believe that the GOP is looking for a way to show Americans that it’s okay to vote Republican. Go ahead, things aren’t really that bad. What’s next? Probably some Halloween-like scare tactics in which the terror alert level will be raised to pumpkin, excuse me, orange until after the November elections.
MORE NOW MEANS LESS LATER
Just yesterday Bush’s camp was discussing plans to hand over the mess in Iraq to the Iraqi government by 2008. Today they are talking about sending more troops. I guess it’s a true sign of global warming to see Dubya still using his flip-flops in late October. "We're winning and we will win, unless we leave before the job is done," he said. This month alone almost 100 American troops have been killed, the most in the past year. That sure sounds like a victory to me. Bush went on to say that as those fighting American and Iraqi forces change their strategies, the United States is also adjusting its military tactics.
"Americans have no intention of taking sides in a sectarian struggle or standing in the crossfire between rival factions," he said. Do we have a choice? Eventually, don’t we either have to take sides, or leave completely? Despite conceding the painful losses, Bush said victory was essential in Iraq as part of the broader war on terror. We destabilized Iraq. It was not the people that we continue to battle there. If we leave, we leave Iraq in the hands of multiple groups who would like nothing more than to have the country as a training ground for militant terrorist groups. If we stay in Iraq, we will lose hundreds (if not thousands) of American soldiers and hundreds of billions of dollars. So what to do? Bush and the GOP can sense that the American public is ready for a change. Just today Bush admitted, "I know many Americans are not satisfied with the situation there” (Iraq).
Send more troops now, and when the Democrats take over Capital Hill and then potentially the White House in 2008, hand power back to Iraq (who won’t be prepared to handle it). When the terrorist cells there are left unchecked and attack us again, the GOP will claim it is the fault of the Democrats in power. They are already setting it up. Bush today said of the Democrats, "I do not question their patriotism. I question whether or not they understand how dangerous the world is." I think we all understand one thing. The world is a much more dangerous place when we have unchecked cowboys like George W. Bush in power.
I VOTE FOR PAPER BALLOTS
Just because your vote might not be counted, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t vote. With one third of voters set to use new untested (at least on a National scale) voting machines this November, we’re in for a repeat of 2000 and 2004. Most voting machines are not guarded the night before elections, with poll workers allowed access to them. It was proven in recent tests that within a very short amount of time, an electronic voting machine could be manipulated to doctor results. Some votes could be erased, others could be counted numerous times. With little understanding of how these voting machines work, how can we have any faith in the election process? This process has already been marred by Al Gore winning the popular vote (but not the election) in 2000, and rampant, substantiated voter fraud in 2004 (especially in black communities). "We don't know about the security flaws, we don't know about the error rates," said the Rev. DeForest Soaries, former chairman of the Election Assistance Commission. The makers of the voting machines are not willing to reveal the workings of the machines. They claim that it’s an “trade secret”. I don’t think there should be any secrets when it comes to our (alleged) democratic process. I see no reason why we should switch to these new sketchy electronic machines if we (as voters) are not given a full explanation of how they work. And where is the accountability? Who is taking responsibility for insuring that every vote is properly counted and that these machines will not fail? Who will take responsibility when they do fail? No one. I still urge everyone to go to the poll and vote. Voting is one of the few freedoms we still have. Protect your vote. Question these new machines, question the makers of these devices, and why we are switching now. It may just be that the GOP is looking for a new way to fix the elections, having used up all of the tricks in their bag in the last six years.
HEY GEORGE, GOD’S CALLING, HE WANTS HIS COMPLEX BACK
New Jersey looks to become the second state in the Union to allow same sex marriage today. I hope the law-makers of the Garden State can find the wisdom to realize that love is nothing to be afraid of. For the first time ever, less than 50% of U.S. households are comprised of married couples. That’s right! Being married now puts you in the minority. Furthermore, well over 50% of marriages end in divorce. Exactly what sanctity are we protecting here, the right of less than half of men and women to get married, and then most likely divorced? God forbid that gays should have the same rights to unfulfilled dreams as the rest of us. The first same-sex divorce was recently filed for in Massachusetts. Is divorce only for heterosexuals too? We all know where our bumbling idiot of a president sides on this issue. If the word of god is so finite like Dubya claims it is (even in a country where there is supposed to be a separation of church and state) then I’d be interested to see where he falls on a few other issues addressed in the bible. The Spoon, Full of Truth presents: A letter to the President

Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. Do you have any idea what the going rate is on able bodied slaves? My wife claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you please clarify this for me? I married a Canadian, why can’t I own a few?

2. With the soaring costs of a college education, I would like to sell my first daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7 in order to secure money to give some financial aid to any future children. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. I’ve tried asking my wife nicely to sleep in the street or to stay with other uncleanly female friends but she always takes offense. Where do you stash Laura and the girls when it’s that time of the month?

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. My ungodly neighbors claim that the odor is not pleasing to them. Is it cool if I just smite them?

5. I have a friend who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. very clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I get someone who doesn’t like him to do it?

6. Another friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I disagree. Could you please settle this for us? Are there 'degrees' of abomination? Would two gay guys eating shellfish together bring about the end of the world?

7. In Lev.21:20 it says that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I used to have perfect 20/20 vision but have to admit that I sometimes need glasses these days. Does this mean I should stay out of churches, synagogues, mosques, and places of worship until I can get corrective laser surgery?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. Have you considered passing laws forbidding hair salons? I guess the hippies had it right.

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My cousin has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and therefore enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Sincerely,
Seekers of Truth

TRICK OR TREAT It’s less than a week to Halloween and I’d like to know what the Spoon’s readers are planning to dress-up as this year. Please use the comments section and let me (and the rest of the readers out there) know how you plan to celebrate the holiday this year. Also please check out the reviews link (by the link for archives) for my review of the upcoming film "Death of a President". For a real treat, make sure to check back soon, to get some Truth, straight from the Spoon.

GUEST COLUMN

THE FOLLOWING IS THE FOURTH INSTALLMENT OF MY GUEST COLUMN SEGMENT. THE VIEWS ARE THOSE OF THE WRITER AND NOT THOSE OF D. JACOB MILLER OR SPOON, FULL OF TRUTH (ALTHOUGH I MIGHT AGREE WITH THEM). PLEASE ENJOY! CHECK BACK SOON FOR ANOTHER OFFICIAL SPOON, FULL OF TRUTH POST.

Turn on television news in the United States these days and, if you
avoid the Murdoch Empire, you're liable to see segments criticizing
Republicans. Liberal bias, however, this does not make.

Steven Freeman, a professor at the University of Pennsylvania's
Wharton Business School, knows business. He has spent most of his
career teaching business and starting up businesses. He says the U.S.
political landscape resembles a "very common configuration in
business."

"You have a dominant firm in an industry and you have a secondary firm
that provides the illusion of competition or competition around the
edges," he says. "The classic example was GM and Ford — they wouldn't
compete on price, safety or anything of real importance. All they
competed on was tailfins and car colors, and I think we have that
situation among the two political parties. They ought to be sued for
anti-trust.

"Neither Republicans nor Democrats, for the most part, contest the sad
state of discrimination — blatant or concealed — in America.
Systemized hatred should have no place in a land for free people.
Whether the media follows the decision makers' lead or vice versa,
news outlets don't stir the pot.

On a national level, we see reports of the war on Iraq and the latest
scandals in Washington or on Wall Street. On a local level, we see
weather, sports and fluff.

Only on rare occasions do we see televised reports — or written
reports, for that matter — about blacks' experience on Election Day.
From this Election Day in age. Not from the Martin Luther King Jr. or
Paul Robeson days.

PBS recently re-aired Eyes on the Prize, a documentary on the black
suffrage movement in 1960s America. Back then, the conflict was more
violent, more press friendly. A reporter needed little more than a
camera and a notebook to write a society-shaking story. Nowadays, they
need the persistence and intrepidity to take on critics as well as
their corporate bosses.

In the past two U.S. presidential elections, anti-democratic tactics
in key swing states have defied the Fourteenth Amendment. Purging
felons — and, worse, people with names similar to felons ¬— as
occurred in Florida in 2000 was not only racist, based on inmate
demographics, bit also immoral.

Those punished for breaking the laws should, on principal, have a
voice to question those laws. In a perfect democratic world, the vote
should be that voice. Yes, we then must include murderers and sexual
offenders in the electoral process. But who honestly believes that a
majority of voters would ever favor legalizing killing or rape?

Track the pedophile party's success in Holland. If anything, parties
with bigoted ideologies — such as the neo-Nazis in some regions of
Germany — have had more success in recent elections than parties with
ideology based solely on the right to violate women or children.

In 2004, black voters in Ohio — and Florida once more — were
intimidated (through phone calls and letters), deceived (again, with
phone calls and letters) and abandoned (by lawmakers). An insufficient
supply of election machines in predominantly black districts, for
example, forced minority voters to wait exponentially longer than
voters in well-equipped white districts.

But if the Democrats cared about race, they would call out the
Republicans on the issue. If the media cared about black
disenfranchisement, they would call out both parties on the issue –
repeatedly.

Instead, hard news just becomes urban legend. And as brothers and
sisters, we should acknowledge the American dream remains the realm of
deep sleepers.

--Joshua Miller

WEEKEND WARRIORS

I hope everyone enjoyed today's guest column. I am off for a little weekend at the shore with the wife for our 2 year anniversary. I hope you all have a great weekend and that you check back next week when I will unveil some juicy truth that I've been brewing. In the meantime, enjoy a gem or two from the archives and share the Spoon with some friends.

R RATED EDITION

MILITARY MOVES CLOSER TO ITS GOAL OF AN ARMY OF ONE
In an attempt to draw in more recruiting-age Americans, the U.S. Army is abandoning its current ad-slogan of “An Army of One” in favor of the new “Army Strong”. The new approach (the fruit of a five year, $200 million-a-year contract with a major advertising agency) was announced Monday by Army Secretary Francis J. Harvey. According to Harvey, "Army Strong" will be the centerpiece of a multimedia ad campaign to be launched Nov. 9, timed to coincide with Veterans Day weekend. The new slogan, developed in numerous tests with focus groups and interviews with soldiers, is meant to convey the idea that if you join the Army you will gain physical and emotional strength, as well as strength of character and purpose. In 2005, the Army missed its recruiting target by the widest margin in more than two decades. They bounced back this year to reach their goal of signing up 80,000 new soldiers, in part by offering bigger financial incentives, increasing its cadre of recruiters and making more use of Web sites to reach young people. It also has accepted more applicants with lower-tier scores on aptitude tests. Strange how something like 2,800 U.S. soldiers being killed in a needless war in Iraq (with more dying every day) and increased time on tours of duty will lower those recruitment numbers. If you can’t fool people into joining the military like in the good old days why not just raise the incentives and lower the standards? Pay goes up, IQ goes down. So why not just tailor the Army’s slogan for each demographic of people they are trying to recruit? Stop beating around the bush and just tell people the truth. I came up with a few examples. If any member of the Army recruitment office is reading this, feel free to adopt these slogans as your own.
*For Kids Trying to Pay for College:
“Lose a leg, gain a college education! We’ll pay for college and your new wheel-chair”
*For Low-Income Kids Without Better Prospects:
“Unless you’ve got a jump-shot or can Rap, it’s either Iraq, or prison”
“Body armor is for pussies”
*For Kids Who’s Fathers, Grandfathers, Etc., served in the Military before them:
“If your dad and grandfather jumped off a bridge, you’d do it too, right?” *For Kids who actually feel a sense of duty to the United States:
“Our #1 export is Freedom”
“Tell people you work directly for the President”
*For People who support the Army/GOP because of their religious views:
“Join the Army or the terrorists and homosexuals win”
*For Anyone else Who is Presently Considering Joining the Military:
“Do what you’re told”
“Army Strong, Brain Dead”
FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!
The U.S. Army has plans to keep the current level of soldiers in Iraq through 2010, the Army chief of staff, Gen. Peter J. Schoomaker said Wednesday, a date much later than any Bush administration or Pentagon official has mentioned thus far. Schoomaker cautioned against reading too much into the planning, saying it is easier to pull back forces than to prepare and deploy units at the last minute.
"This is not a prediction that things are going poorly or better," Schoomaker told reporters. "It's just that I have to have enough ammo in the magazine that I can continue to shoot as long as they want us to shoot."
Am I crazy, or did he just compare U.S. soldiers to bullets? Soldiers are people. When you fire a bullet it is most likely going to be destroyed and never recovered. Should we expect the same fate for our soldiers? These military leaders (from Commander in Chief on down) do not see soldiers as humans but as a means to an end. Currently there are 141,000 troops in Iraq, including 120,000 Army soldiers. Schoomaker's comments come less than four weeks before congressional elections, in which the unpopular war in Iraq and the Bush administration's policies there are a major campaign issue. Why does it take this long for all of these campaign issues to come to light? Why weren’t there Democrats and members of the media (and their alleged “liberal bias”) standing up before now and bringing these issues to light? I think the answer is clear. Democrats don’t care about calling the GOP out unless it’s an election year. They don’t care what the GOP is doing to America as much as they care about what the GOP is doing to themselves (and their chances to retain control of the Senate). Until people stand up and demand leadership that actually has the best interest of the public in mind, these men (both on the left and the right) will continue to care about nothing more than their own interests and the interests of big business. Once you start comparing human lives to bullets, it would appear that your common sense of decency is shot.
IF THIS NEXT PIECE WAS A MOVIE, IT’D DEFINITELY BE RATED R
I was watching television tonight with my wife when a preview for the movie “SAW III” came on. From the previews (and through my powers of assumption) I’m guessing that SAW III is exactly the same as the first two where a bunch of people are “taught” to not take life for granted by committing all sorts of gory, violent acts in order to save their own lives. All three movies were rated R. For those of you with little knowledge of the MPAA (Motion Picture Association of America) and their rating system, an R rating means that in order for anyone under the age of 17 to view the movie, they have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian. Basically, if their parents don’t mind them watching it, it’s okay for them to watch it. The rarely used rating of NC-17 means that no one under 17 is permitted to watch the movie, period. NC-17 means that the MPAA has decided it knows what is best for children under 17, regardless of what their parents might think. So why is this rating reserved for movies like “Showgirls” which showcase nudity instead of deplorable violence and gore? Why is it that the MPAA (which I’m not sure serves any real purpose aside from restricting free-speech and promoting religious values) takes the stance that parents can subject their children to as much violence as possible, but under no circumstances should a child be able to see a bunch of naked women? Furthermore, the word “fuck” being used more than once in a movie, automatically gives the movie an R rating, but there are many, many violent horror films that receive a rating of PG-13 (which means parents are strongly cautioned to accompany children under the age of 13).
“Now kids remember, you can see any movie where people are hacked to bits, tortured, eaten, and slaughtered as long as there is no naughty language!”
Come on. If you were being hacked to death by a crazy homicidal super-human killer, don’t you think you might drop the f-bomb a few times? I’d say that’s a perfectly acceptable time to use the word fuck.
“No, stop! Don’t skin me alive! Fudge that hurts! Bloody Heck.”
I don’t have any experience killing anyone, but I’d assume that if you take a large knife (or any other crazy weapon they use to kill people in movies) and use it to hack a woman to death, there’s a pretty good chance one of her breasts is going to pop out. Somehow, in the movies, they manage to kill a whole lot of people without anyone using any “vulgar” language or flashing a little nipple. Dancing on stage at the Super Bowl half-time show can make your breast pop out, but a chainsaw can’t? Please. I’m not saying that we should remove violence from movies; far from it. I’m just wondering how they can justify violence as being healthier for children than cursing or nudity. Personally, I’d rather have my kids walk around the house screaming “show me your fucking titties,” to the babysitter (and having her oblige), then have them becoming numb to killing for the sake of killing. If a parent should be allowed to send their child to a PG-13 rated horror flick where a bunch of people are murdered in graphic fashion, then a parent should be allowed to send their child to see a PG-13 movie where a bunch of girls with Tourettes run around topless. It’s probably only a matter of time before the snacks have a rating system and you have to be a certain age or accompanied by a parent to buy a sugar-filled soda or snack containing trans-fat. I propose we take all the money being wasted on the MPAA and use it to better educate our nation’s children.
THANK YOU, DON’T FORGET TO TIP YOUR WAITRESS
That’s all for today folks. Sorry that there was only one post this week. Hopefully next week will prove more fruitful. Life in the Miller household has been a little hectic recently. I’d just like to tell everyone what a trooper my wife is being throughout the entire mourning process. She gets an A+. The rest of you get B’s. You want an A too? Just complete this assignment: share the link to this blog with ten people you know. Is that an easy A or what? Have a great weekend everyone and I’ll see you next week for another edition of the Spoon, Full of Truth.

PAGING MR. FOLEY

FALL FOLIAGE SEASON BRINGS FOLEY(under)AGE SCANDAL
Rep. Mark Foley, of Florida, resigned his House seat last week after e-mails and reports of lurid instant messages to teenage boys in the House page-program were exposed. He then checked into an alcohol rehabilitation center. The ensuing uproar has enveloped Republicans who are already at risk of losing control of Congress in upcoming November elections. House Speaker Dennis Hastert's political support showed signs of cracking on Wednesday as Republicans fled an election-year scandal. Foley's former chief of staff said (in an Associated Press interview) that he first warned Hastert's aides more than three years ago that Foley's behavior toward pages was troublesome. That was long before GOP leaders acknowledged learning of the problem. Kirk Fordham, Foley's top aide until January 2004, said he had "more than one conversation with senior staff at the highest level of the House of Representatives asking them to intervene" several years ago. Of course Hastert (through his staff) has denied this. Hastert told the Chicago Tribune on Wednesday night that he has no thoughts of resigning. He blamed ABC News, which broke the Foley e-mail story, and Democratic operatives for the mushrooming scandal. Isn’t this just like the GOP? He’s blaming a news network for breaking the story? That’s what our country has come to under this leadership. The GOP is involved in scandal after scandal and always point the finger of blame elsewhere. This is not the first time they have blamed the media for breaking a story. The media is supposed to break stories about government. Not report the news for the government or protect the government (Fox News). Not wanting to be left out of the festivities, the Justice Department ordered House officials to "preserve all records" related to Foley's electronic correspondence with teenagers, and one law enforcement official said FBI agents have begun interviewing participants in the House page program. Foley, a member of the GOP, admits to being gay (through his lawyer), enters alcohol treatment, and allegedly engaged in sexual communications with underage boys that came to light just weeks before the election? Thank you Santa, I must be on the good-list this year. With Speaker Hastert falling under increasing pressure to resign (both from Democrats and GOP members) who would step in to try to spin this into a positive light for the Republicans? What’s that? Up in the sky! Stronger tunnel-vision than a locomotive, runs his mouth faster than speeding bullet, it’s absurd, it’s a shame…it’s Bill O’Reilly! On Wednesday’s O’Reilly Factor (On the always reliable Fox News Network) during three separate cut-a-way shots, Mark Foley was identified on-screen as being a Democrat. That’s right; the guy isn’t exactly a model member of the GOP so let’s just call him a Democrat. We all know that the loyal fans of The O’Reilly factor aren’t exactly working with a surplus of brain cells. If they see it on television, they consider it to be fact. “Television doesn’t lie, and neither does a good old Christian like Bill O’Reilly”. How many fans of the O’Reilly factor are walking around today thinking that Mark Foley is a Democrat? I’d bet quite a few. As far as offering a retraction of the bad information on Foley’s party association, I’m sure Fox News will have a two second blurb at the end of some show at 3:30 in the morning. Where is the accountability? If Fox News and Bill O’Reilly can provide bad information and no one holds them accountable, and that bad information leads to many people not holding the GOP responsible for the alleged actions of Mark Foley and Dennis Hastert, then I think that Maureen Dowd should be able to run a story tomorrow with the headline “George Bush caught on tape wiping his ass with the American Flag in front of a class of first-graders”. I’m sure the Times could offer a retraction a few days later on page 50. Hastert should resign now. If an investigation (and not a cover-up) is actually conducted, I think anyone with prior knowledge of Foley’s actions should be removed from office and prosecuted.
STAYING REGULAR IS THE (ZEL)NORM
I was watching television with the wife tonight when we saw one of those stupid ads for a new prescription drug. “Suffering from Abdominal pain or discomfort, Bloating and Constipation? You could have Chronic Constipation or Irritable Bowel Syndrome with Constipation. Fiber and laxatives may not help all your symptoms. So ask your doctor if Zelnorm is right for you.” By the way fellas, Zelnorm has only been proven to work in women with IBS. When they do come out with a version that works for men, I don’t think they need to use some lame name like Zelnorm. You might have to sugar-coat it for the ladies but when it comes to guys who haven’t shit in a few days, cut to the chase. Why not call it Crapright? “The wife’s cooking got you constipated? Haven’t shit in a week? Why not ask your doctor if new prescription Crapright is right for you? Crapright: that’s what it’s called, that’s what you’ll do!” Forget fiber and laxatives, those are for pussies. Real men (and women) take products like Zelnorm that come with cool side effects. See for yourself:
“Doctor, I need assistance immediately! I’ve had so much diarrhea lately that I’m lightheaded and dizzy, and fear I might faint. There was also a good deal of blood in my stool. What’s that? I have a serious problem that requires special treatment and hospitalization? It could mean I need abdominal surgery? That’s alright; it seems a small price to pay for relieving my constipation. Thanks Crapright!
WIN, LOSE, OR PARTY
When I was a little kid I played a lot of sports. Many times, after a baseball or soccer game, my team would go out for ice cream or dinner to celebrate the victory (or downplay the loss). It was a nice little tradition; a celebration after a tough battle on the playing field. I’m not sure whether George Bush experienced the same thing as a child, but he seems to be on course to experience it now. Dubya doesn’t belong to any baseball or soccer team that I know of, but he does have a new game he enjoys quite a bit. It’s called War (and it’s not the card game). So how better to wrap up the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan than with a $20 million dollar party, right here in the good old US of A? Lawmakers included language in this year's defense spending bill (approved last week) allowing them to spend the $20 million. The funds for "commemoration of success" in Iraq and Afghanistan were originally tucked into last year's defense measure, but they went unspent amid a rise in violence in both countries that forced the Pentagon to extend tours of duty for thousands of troops. The GOP remains blindly optimistic. Carolyn Weyforth, spokeswoman for Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tenn., said, "Republicans are confident we will be victorious in the ongoing war in terror, and we look forward to a time when those funds can be used to honor the men and women who have risked and given their lives." Under the language, the president could "designate a day of celebration" to honor troops serving in the two wars. The president also could call on the nation "to observe that day with appropriate ceremonies and activities" and issue awards to troops who have served honorably. Appropriate ceremonies? Hey! 3,000 Americans have lost their lives since fighting began and we have the biggest deficit in U.S. history…who wants cake? "If the Bush administration is planning victory celebrations, Americans deserve to know what their plan is to get us to a victory in Iraq," said Rebecca Kirszner, spokeswoman for Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev. I tend to agree. I would be very upset if I found out that the Philadelphia Phillies were planning on spending $20 million dollars to plan a World Series victory party for next season (before the season had even begun). How can you declare a victory party when it will be impossible to achieve a victory? Yes, at some point we will pull our troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan and bring them home. Thousands will have died. Tens of thousands will have been injured. Many more will be mentally scarred for live. We might never pay down our war debt to China. A victory party for war? I think we should save that $20 million and spend it on a victory party for the day Dubya leaves office! Now that’s reason to celebrate.
AND AWAY WE GO
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