CORPORATE COSTUMES Corporations are always masking themselves as something they are not. This Halloween, I thought it would be fun to remove those masks and present a few companies with ad slogans that are a little more in line with their target audience and the way they conduct business. Each company's actual ad slogan is listed after the company title. The slogan in blue is the new slogan I've made up for that brand (along with a little blurb about it). I hope you enjoy the Spoon, Full of Truth corporate unmasking.
Burger King-- "HAVE IT YOUR WAY"
"Have it your way...Fat boy"
*With the recent trend of other fast-food chains getting healthier (KFC is doing away with trans-fat, McDonald's has lower calorie/fat options as does Wendy's and Chick-Fil-A) Burger King continues to offer high calorie, high fat foods (like their mega-fatty breakfast omelet sandwich). At Burger King, we don't care if you're fat. So you’re a fatty, why go somewhere that makes you feel bad about it? You want a 2 Lb. Burger with extra cheese and a large fries? Come to Burger King and have it your way, fat boy.
Maybelline--"MAYBE SHE'S BORN WITH IT, MAYBE IT'S MAYBELLINE" "Maybe she's born with it, maybe you're not"
*We've all seen the beautiful women in make-up advertisements but let's face it...those women, are born with it. They don't need Maybelline to look pretty, they just need their natural beauty. On the other-hand, you probably need to cake on a nice layer of foundation, some eye liner, lip-stick, blush, eye shadow, cover-up, and lip gloss just to have a shot at getting picked up by some overweight, drunk med-student in a dimly lit bar. Maybe she's born with it. You're definitely not. Cover up that mess of a face with Maybelline.
Taco Bell--“GET FULL”
“Because smoking pot is like beer goggles for food”
*Remember the other night when you got a little too drunk at that dimly lit bar and took home what you thought was a hot, young co-ed, only to realize the next morning that once she washed off all that Maybelline she was about as appealing as hand-job from Edward Scissorhands? Taco Bell, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Taco Bell, when your desire to be full outweighs the need to know what you’re consuming. We take crap, wrapped in more crap, cover it in three kinds of crap, surround it with a crunchy layer of crap and grill it (so you can eat it with one hand)…Taco Bell, make a run for the bathroom.
Hooters--"DELIGHTFULLY TACKY, YET UNREFINED"
"TITTIES, food, beer, TITTIES, televisions, and TITTIES"
*At Hooters, our wings are second only to our breasts. This month only, save 10% when you can complete your entire order without breaking eye contact with your waitress. Everything is better when it’s served by a girl with big tits in a tight shirt. Would you rather your doctor tell you that you had cancer, or a bubbly twenty-two year old in a skin-tight tank-top? The same goes for food. Our wings are so good, they’ll make your mouth water (at least that’s what you can tell your girlfriend when she catches you drooling).
Capital One—“WHAT’S IN YOUR WALLET?”
“Our card in your wallet, your money in our pocket”
*What’s in your wallet? We know it’s not your money because that’s in OUR wallet. Whatever…we do what we want. Do you hear that? That’s the sound of us lowering your credit score. Good luck getting a mortgage or an auto loan now. Oh, and while you were reading this, we just raised your interest rates.
Black and Decker--"IDEAS AT WORK"
“Labor not included”
*Your ideas for those great home improvements are hard at work, now if you could only get your contractors to get off their asses and do something productive. Don’t you wish that you got to take seven hours for lunch? Four out of five contractors who sit around doing nothing all day THINK about using Black and Decker tools. Black and Decker: ideas at work.
Domino's Pizza--"GET THE DOOR. IT'S DOMINO'S"
“Hey lazy, it’s your turn to make dinner”
*It’s your turn to make dinner again and your lazy ass didn’t think ahead. Now it’s almost 6PM, the kids are cranky, your husband will be home any minute, and there aren’t even any leftovers in the fridge. Domino’s to the rescue! Sure, our pizza tastes like crap and yes, we do support radical pro-life groups…but, we also deliver. Knock, Knock. Who's there? Shitty Pizza. Oh, someone get the door, it's Domino's!
Walmart--"ALWAYS LOW PRICES. ALWAYS"
"If it's cheap enough, who cares where it came from?"
*At Walmart, we don't waste money like other companies do on silly things like health care for our employees and it really shows in the savings we pass along to our customers. So most of the stuff we sell was made in a sweat-shop...I have one word for you: Rollback. Come to Walmart, and walk the line between morals and great prices!
Angel Soft (toilet paper)--"ANGEL SOFT. COMFORT WHERE YOU WANT IT"
"Because that ass is heavenly"
*That’s right! We are now a specialty toilet paper brand that only caters to those women who have angelic asses. Your behind is heavenly, why dishonor it by wiping with some run-of-the-mill terrestrial 1-ply? Imagine yourself in a disgusting port-a-potty with a terrible odor and crap all over the place. Now picture a glowing soft roll of Angel Soft hanging there just beckoning to be used; a little slice of heaven, in a place that smells like hell. Angel Soft, it’s some heavenly shit.
Delta Airlines--"WE LOVE TO FLY AND IT SHOWS"
"You have no other way to get there, so you’re fucked!"
*You have a 9am business meeting in London. How else are you going to get there? Swim? At Delta, we know you don’t have a choice. You have to fly, and we’ll be here to nickel and dime you every step of the way. Want a meal? $20. Want a blanket or pillow? $5. Hell, we might even start charging you to use the reading light or the restroom. Don’t like it? Good luck finding a better deal with one of our competitors. Delta: bend over and take it.
DUBYA ATTEMPTS TO TRICK VOTERS BY (MIS)TREATING GAYS
Over the last few months, President Bush has cast the midterm elections as a choice about just two issues: taxes and terrorism. Now, with polls predicting bleak results for Republicans, he is trying to fire up his party by again decrying gay marriage. "For decades, activist judges have tried to redefine America by court order," Bush said yesterday. "Just this last week in New Jersey, another activist court issued a ruling that raises doubt about the institution of marriage. We believe marriage is a union between a man and a woman, and should be defended." Everyone to your battle-stations! Homosexuals are attacking the sanctity of marriage again! Less than 50% of U.S. households are now made up of married couples. On top of that, more than 50% of all marriages end in divorce. What exactly are we protecting? Nothing. This isn’t about protecting the sanctity of marriage. This is about Dubya rallying a bunch of hate mongers in order to get their vote. Yeah the GOP started the war in Iraq, we molested children, we let thousands of people die during Katrina and treated the survivors like animals, we’ve caused the rest of the world to hate us, and we’ve trashed the economy. However, if you elect Democrats, they’ll let the homosexuals marry. It doesn’t get any worse than that.
Marriage isn’t something that needs protecting, education is. Why isn’t education a bigger election issue? How about healthcare? How is it that people hate homosexuals so much that they will vote for terrible candidates based on nothing else?
Allowing two men or two women who love each other to marry would only be doing good things for the institution of marriage. Don’t let Bush’s hate tactics trick you into voting for the Republicans next week. A Democratic senate would be the real treat.
TRICK OR TREAT
I hope today's episode of the Spoon, Full of Truth proved to be a real treat. If not, and you've gotten this far, at least you read it. Why not trick someone else into reading it too? Have a great Halloween and check back soon, to get some more truth, right from the Spoon.