SPOON, FULL OF TRUTH
A heavy dose of truth, humor, and political activism.
- Name: D. Jacob Miller
- Location: Phila, Pennsylvania, United States
Monday, May 29, 2006
THE MUSIC MAN DIDN'T WEAR A DRESS "Not Louisiana, Paris, France, New York, or Rome, but Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana, Gary Indiana, My home sweet home". Harold Hill (played by Robert Preston) sang these words on the big screen in 1962 in the film version of The Music Man. His home sweet home might have been a little less sweet had the music man dressed like a music woman. Last week, in Gary, Indiana a high school student named Kevin Logan was denied entrance to his prom because he came dressed in a gown and high heels. It's true that a guy wearing high heels might not be able to run up and down the basketball court like Larry Bird did (in sneakers) and drain three-pointers, but shouldn't he be able to dance at his prom? I always thought the IN after Gary stood for INdiana. Could it be that it actually stands for INtolerance? A school official said school policy bans males from wearing dresses and that he was denied entrance to the prom based on his clothing and not his sexual orientation. Why have a school policy like that in the first place? Isn't a prom supposed to be a culmination of your time in high school? It's a time to celebrate the end of one time in life and the beginning of a new one. How would a guy wearing a dress diminish that in any way? Would the other students not be able to enjoy themselves? I understand rules like students can't bring guns to school, a gun could actually hurt someone. Who is going to be hurt by a dress? The room is already full of girls wearing them. The school refunded his $85 prom ticket and sent him home. Shame on you West Side High School. Are you really preparing your students for the real world? Or more so to live out a shallow, close-minded existence in podunk Indiana? A prom is a celebration for graduating seniors. If a guy wants to wear a gown because he'd be more comfortable in a gown, he should be able to. If a girl wants to wear a tux, she should be able to. What are people so afraid of? News Flash! If your child attends a prom with a guy wearing a gown, he's not going to contract "gayness" and start wearing them himself. The only lessons being taught here are intolerance and hate. Be afraid of things that will actually harm you, like global warming. You are all so busy thumping your bibles at gay people that you don't realize that it's 80 degrees in January these days. Gay people aren't going to hell for being gay, people who are hateful and condemn them for being different are going to hell. That's right, write it down and remember it. High school is not an easy time for most kids. If this young man had enough gumption to wear a dress to his prom and face ridicule from fellow students, the school should, at the very least, support that. It looks like the lyrics to the famous Music Man song might have to be changed, "You can do it in Louisiana, Paris, France, New York, or Rome, but in Gary Indiana, guys in dresses get sent home". BONDS TRADES BALLS FOR HOME RUNS After weeks of waiting it has finally happened, Barry Bonds has passed Babe Ruth to become #2 on baseball's career home runs list. I'm sick of listening to everyone vilify Barry. The guy took steroids, so what? Half of the players who played in Bond's time took steroids. You didn't see all of the hitting 715 home runs. Steroids might make you stronger, but when you're sitting in the batter's box, staring down ninety-five mile an hour fast balls, it doesn't slow the ball down or swing the bat for you. Baseball is more to blame than Barry Bonds. Baseball publicly celebrated the steroid enhanced seasons of Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa. You can bet money that those guys weren't being piss tested before each game. Major League Baseball has known about steroids as long as baseball players have been taking them, and chose to do nothing until the news media (and congress) took more notice. Barry Bonds took steroids. He claims he didn't know they were steroids. Do I believe him? No. When you are an athlete, and your body is worth tens of millions of dollars to you, I would assume you take the time to know what you are putting in, and on, your body. If Barry honestly used the "clear" and "the cream" and did it without knowing what was in them, he might want to try switching to brain steroids next. Barry used illegal substances, he hit a ton of HR's, but he's paid quite a cost for it. He's been grilled in the media and at away games but that's just the tip of the needle. Let's discuss for a minute the effects of steroids. We've all seen the growth in Barry's head. That is one huge melon. But while his head is growing, in all likelihood, his testicles are shrinking. The man might be swinging some mighty wood at the plate but chances are, the bat in his pants is more reminiscent of a soft NERF one. Bad acne, liver failure, heart failure, blood clots, depression, insomnia, muscle and joint pain, and many other exciting ailments are all on deck for Barry in the coming years. So why is he getting so much bad publicity? This guy is willing to trade his looks (at least a normal sized head), his testicles, the ability to get erections, his liver, his heart, his emotional well-being, normal sleep, clear skin, and an array of other things just so he can hit a few more balls over the outfield wall. Should we really be making him out to be a villain, or should we just feel sorry for him? I'd like to be able to step up to the plate against any pitcher in the league and slam a home run into the upper deck, but not if I couldn't go home that night and have some killer sex while I watched the highlights on Sportscenter. Are those HR's going to perform heart and liver surgery on him when his body starts to shut down? Can he replace his aching joints and muscles with baseballs he knocked out of the park? I doubt very much the baseballs are going to hold him and tell him everything will be okay when he's suffering a bout of depression or is hopelessly awake at 4 AM every night. I feel sorry for Barry. I feel sorry for him because he wanted so badly to be the single season HR champion (and possibly the all-time HR champion) that he traded his health and his manhood for it. Barry, I hope when you are sitting at home in ten years, with your chest pains, liver spots, blot clots, late nights, fits of crying, shrunken balls, and limp dick, that it was all worth it. You might one day be the all-time leader in home runs, but you are already one of the all-time biggest morons. THEY SAY SPOON, FULL OF TRUTH IS THE BEST SITE ON THE NET My Mom-mom is a wonderful grandmother. She drove me to school for four full months in tenth grade when the grind of taking two trains each morning got to be too much. She is a very giving woman and I love her very much. She does have one quirk though that drives me bonkers. She is firm believer in anything "they" say. If she sees it on TV or in a newspaper, it must be true. TV just can't say things that aren't true, right grandma? But who is "they"? No one seems to know. She will tell me something matter of factly, like, "You know they say that you should use at least 25 SPF sunscreen when you go outside it summer". When I was a little kid I just used to accept what she was telling me. These days, in my quest to question things before accepting them, I want to know more. "Who says that grandma?" "It's what they say," "Okay that's great, but who is 'they'?" She doesn't seem to know. It would seem that "they" is anyone who has even slightly more knowledge of the subject at hand. If we're talking about sunscreen, "they" is anyone who has more experience with sunscreen than she does, even if they are just a clerk in a store who sells it. I might be a little more willing to trust the advice if there were more rigid standards for joining team "they", but that's not the case. The sunscreen "they" does not just consist of scientists who know about the molecular components of the sunscreen or dermatologists who know the most about skin cancer, it also contains the guy who works the counter at the local pharmacy and the ad exec who wrote the little blurb on the back of the sunscreen bottle. Over the years, my grandmother has shared the wisdom of "they" with me on countless occasions. "They" say that it's not good to swim within 30 minutes of eating. "They" say that the war is almost over. "They" say that boys just get more than girls (this applied to birthday money). "They" say a lot of things. According to the circles I run in, "They" say this is the best site on the net. "They" say that George Bush is the worst President of all time. "They" say that anyone who believes everything they hear without questioning the validity of the information is a sucker. I say, as long as at least two people can agree on something, there is a "they" that says it. However, the information you receive is only as good as the "they" you get it from. Spoon, Full of Truth: A "they" you can trust. THEY SAY THIS IS THE END OF TODAY'S POST They were wrong. Stay tuned for lots of new excitement this week including reviews and some new fiction. There's always room in your diet for a little truth. Make sure to savor it, one Spoon, Full of it, at a time. Now, this is the real end of this post.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
A FULL SERVING OF VEGETABLE OIL FOR YOUR V-8
ITALIAN, CHINESE, OR 40% MORE MILES PER GALLON? With the price of Gasoline creeping up towards four dollars a gallon or more, why not switch to a full source that businesses are willing to just give you for free? Sound crazy? Reality often does. That's right folks, with the new Greasecar system, your diesel car can now run on used vegetable oil from your favorite Chinese or Italian restaurant. These restaurants are happy to give their used oil away instead of paying a fee to have it removed. The sad fact is, these systems aren't even actually new. The first one was debuted at the 1900's World's Fair and ran on peanut oil. How much will a system like this cost you these days? About $2,500. Not only is the system affordable, but testing proves that it is reduces wear on the car, does not release carbon dioxide into the environment like typical fuels, and gets 40% more fuel efficiency than gasoline. The Greasecar system, great for your wallet, great for the environment, not so good for Dubya and his merry band of oil and gasoline tycoons; the same oil tycoons who are gouging us at the pump. Bush enjoys attacking countries like Iraq, taking romantic, hand-in-hand walks with leaders from countries like Saudi Arabia, or drilling pristine wilderness (like that in Alaska) to keep us all dependant on gasoline. But aren't the rest of us also to blame? I'm not saying that any of us are as bad as George Bush, I have too much respect for all of you. Why is it though that we just keep on lining up at the pumps, filling up our tanks as gasoline prices skyrocket? Sure, we all bitch and moan about it, but how seriously would you take someone who says they are sick of eating pizza as they order another slice? Okay, so you're ready to at least pay some lip service to the Greasecar system and want to know how it works? The Spoon won't let you down. To get all the details you could possibly want, just visit http://www.greasecar.com/. I'm not saying this new fuel system is the answer to all of our gasoline problems, but it's a start. What it does is give us an option. Options open dialogues. It's time people stop bitching about the high cost of gasoline (both to our bank accounts and to our environment) and start CONSIDERING other options. We are only dependant on gasoline because we're lazy. We don't want to take the time or the energy to explore other options that are out there. They might be a little less convenient then running to the local gas station, but in the long run is it really worth all that extra money we spend and the environment we are destroying? I, for one, say no. We recently sold our car and although it's been tough not having it to run silly errands with, or to drive somewhere when I don't feel like walking, I love the freedom from gasoline. Hopefully, when I get my next car, I'll be able to pick up my Chinese food for dinner and fuel for the ride home, at the same place. THE BLAIR WITCH AND THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST (WING) STRIKE AGAIN It is said that hindsight is 20/20. In the case of George Bush, hindsight can be described in one word: Duh. On Thursday, our fearless leader finally admitted that his taunt of "Bring 'em on!" that he directed to Iraqi insurgents was a big mistake. Really George? You think so? That's like saying that maybe it was a mistake to let your ten year old son spend the night at Neverland Ranch or like Steve Bartman saying it was a mistake to block Moises Alou from catching that foul ball at Wrigley. No fucking kidding it was a big mistake Dubya. Are you just figuring this out now? Ring! Ring! 2003 is on the phone George, it wants its common sense back. Bush said that his comment was, "kind of tough talk, you know, that sent the wrong message to people". Has anything this clown has done since he's taken office sent the RIGHT message? Not unless the message is that he's an ass hole, he wants the rest of the world to view America as a country full of ass holes, he hates black people, he has no respect for the constitution, he talks to jesus, he's mad with power, and he likes to play G. I. Joe with real life U.S. soldiers. "I learned some lessons about expressing myself maybe in a little more sophisticated manner, you know. "Wanted, dead or alive"; that kind of talk. I think in certain parts of the world it was misinterpreted," he said. Certain parts of the world? He must be referring to the blue states, and everywhere else on Earth. He wants to be more sophisticated now? I'll believe it when I see it. I'm shocked Bush didn't follow up his taunts by asking the Iraqi's to pull his finger. Not wanting to be outdone, Tony Blair immediately removed his head from Bush's ass and added, "I think it's easy to go back over mistakes that we may have made. But the biggest reason why Iraq has been difficult is the determination by our opponents to defeat us. And I don't think we should be surprised at that". You're right on both accounts Tony. It is very easy to go back over all of the mistakes that you and Georgie boy have made. Helen Keller could point them out. You think the biggest reason that the Iraqi conflict has been difficult is because the people you are fighting are determined to win? No kidding you shouldn't be surprised! What did you think would happen? They'd all lay down their weapons and start waving the stars and stripes and erect sand sculptures in your likeness? So to sum up, the following is what the leaders of two of the most powerful nations on Earth have learned this week. #1) It's wrong to taunt your enemies. If anything it will only make them want to fight you more. #2) When you make mistakes the size of Texas for all the world to see, yeah, it might be sort of easy for people to recount them. #3) When you start a fight with someone, you shouldn't be surprised if they try to fight back. Now that they've started a war with no end in sight, and learned some valuable lessons, I think neither of them should have a problem moving on to the third grade. I GAZE INTO MY CRYSTAL BALL No need to spend $3.99 a minute to call Ms. Cleo. I'm going to tell you the future of the Spoon, Full of Truth, for free. In the coming weeks I will start to feature new segments containing short works of fiction. Not to be confused with the non-fiction posts, these fictional tales will be clearly identified. Truth sometimes is stranger than fiction, but fiction can still hold truth, and here at the Spoon, we have room for all the truth you can handle. Everyone have a great weekend and check back next week for you next shot of truth, one Spoon, Full of it, at a time.
Friday, May 19, 2006
IF I HEARD GOD RIGHT, PAT ROBERTSON IS AN IDIOT
WHY DOES GOD ONLY TALK TO MORONS? Why is it that god never takes a minute to talk to me, or a Pulitzer prize winner author, or even a Super Bowl MVP, and elects instead to talk only to people that have the brain capacity of an apple? The answer is simple, there is no god sitting up in the sky who occasionally decides he's going to bestow his wisdom upon us. There are however, those select idiots who believe that god speaks directly to them. You might know a few of them. George Bush, President of the United States, believes that god wanted him to be elected President so he could carry out god's mission of destroying the earth (and he's well on his way). If there really was a god up there, don't you think he could take a second out of his busy schedule to get off his lazy ass and destroy the planet himself. I mean he allegedly created the Earth in six days, right George? I'm sure he could destroy it in three, tops. If he really wanted you to carry out one of his holy missions he could have just had you snort of all of the World's cocaine. Bush feels that he is justified in his actions (from rigging the 2000 election in order to become President to every outrageous thing he's done since taking office) because it's god's will. If what George Bush has been doing for the last six years is really god's will, then god can kiss my ass. I'm not saying there is no god. But if there's a guy sitting up in the sky that has Dubya's back, then I hope he contracts a case of heavenly herpes. I also feel like if there's a guy sitting up in the sky he would have better things to concentrate on. This brings us to idiot number two, Pat Robertson. On May 8th, he delivered this little gem, "If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms." On May 17th, he added, "There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest." I hate to break this to you Pat, but you don't need a chat with god to know that storms are going to lash the coasts of America in 2006. All you need is to have been alive for even one year, and have a television, newspaper, or internet connection. What, is god a weather man now too? Ok well then maybe I talk to god too. If I heard him right it might rain in Philadelphia this weekend. Everyone praise me and send me money. Scientists have been telling us for years that something like a tsunami might hit the Pacific Northwest. Do they talk to god too? Obviously weather men don't have the uplink to the lord because they can't seem to ever get the weather right. What is god going to tell you next Pat? That if you heard him right that gas prices might soar this year? Or maybe that the bird flu MIGHT strike? Are you sure you're talking to god and not a magic 8 ball? All signs point to no. That voice in your head isn't god, Pat. It's called an inner-monologue. We all have one. What we all don't have is a ego so big that it thinks a god has singled us out to deliver his message. Instead we have something called rationale. I'm having a thought right now inside of my head. It says Pat Robertson and George Bush are a bunch of foolish clowns. If it's just my own brain, then you're only being judged by me. If it's god, I'm pretty sure I heard him loud and clear. CHENEY ENJOYS HUNTING, BUSH TO TAKE UP FENCING The U.S. National Guard, like a patron of Taco Bell, is making a run for the border. The 200 troops who are now there are expected to be getting thousands of reinforcements in the near future courtesy of our Commander in Chief. In another classy move, Bush flew to Yuma, Arizona earlier this week to personally oversee plans for a proposed 370 mile border fence between the U.S. and Mexico. Dubya, speaking through Press Secretary Tony Snow, said recently, "We don't think you fence off the entire border...but there are places when fences are appropriate". Hmm, but just a few short months ago in March, Bush told CNN Espanol, "It's impractical to fence off the border". Typical Bush regime flip-flopping. Members of Dubya's fan club, like Republican Rep. J.D. Hayworth fully support the idea of a fence. To quote Mr. Hayworth, "When you consider nightly between 6,000 and 6,500 illegals attempt to cross our border and of that group, between 4,000 and 4,500 make it on a nightly basis. That is why there is such concern." Hayworth (while riding with the President to Arizona on Air Force One) gave Dubya a copy of his book on immigration, which proposes building a fence along the U.S.-Mexico border, using armed forces to help patrol the region and denying citizenship to the U.S.-born children of illegal immigrants. Is this the best use for the National Guard and the money that will be spent to build this 370 mile fence? Was the National Guard in training for border patrol when Katrina hit and they were no where to be found? And instead of spending money to build a fence to keep illegal immigrants out of America, why don't we spend some of it to take care of those of us who already live here? Education or health care anyone? Is this part of god's plan too for you too George? I bet jesus really only loves American's who pray to him and pay American taxes. He doesn't have time for silly Mexican border jumpers. I have three (spangish style) words for you George: Yo Quero Prioritize. TRUTH DOESN'T PAY THE BILLS As much as I enjoy writing the Spoon, Full of Truth (and as much as I am sure you all enjoy reading it) it does not pay my bills. Consequently, I sometimes make extra money working in the field of marketing. Recently, I have been helping to promote a new watermelon gum by sampling it to the public here in Philadelphia. Over the last two weeks, I have encountered enough people making completely stupid remarks to warrant this segment of the Spoon. Here are just a few of the gems that have graced my ears in recent days. While dressed in a pink T-shirt, covered in fake, black watermelon seeds, standing next to a guy dressed in a watermelon mascot costume, I asked a man if he'd like to try a piece of watermelon gum. His response? "What flavor is it?" Are you kidding me? It's grape moron. I just rock this pink watermelon shirt, chill with a guy in a watermelon suit, and offer you watermelon gum cause that's how I roll. Please. I offered a stick of gum to one woman who responded, "I don't chew" You don't chew? Bitch, how do you eat, through a straw? I see teeth in your mouth. Are they just for show like my boy in the watermelon suit? If you don't want some gum, just say you don't want any. The pink T-shirt says "Cool Watermelon Gum" right on the front of it. A guy walked up to me, and I said, "Hi sir, would you like to try a piece of watermelon gum?" He was obviously quick on the draw. "What is it, gum?" he responded. No buddy, it isn't gum at all. I just said that to throw you off. Actually it's brain food. You better take a whole hand full. While working at a festival last weekend I offered a piece of gum to a man who was walking past me. He took it, paused, then asked, "Is this really just gum or did you poison it?" Wow, thank god you asked me. I did poison it but luckily for you I'm not able to lie about it. If you hadn't asked me, you might have died. Smart ass. Do you really think if someone was handing out poison gum they'd tell you? Wouldn't really make sense would it? Happy chewing. We sample one individually wrapped piece of gum per person. If someone asks nicely for another, I'll usually give it to them. Today some woman yelled at me for only giving her two and asked me why I wouldn't give her more. I told her I didn't want to get fired. She told me to quit being so cheap. I should quit being so cheap? Who's the one who can't shell out ninety cents and buy herself a pack? She obviously wasn't spending all of her money on nice clothing, make up, or weight loss products. If there was poison in the gum, I would have gladly given you more. A little old lady came up to me yesterday and when I asked her if she'd like to try some gum the old bag replies, "I tried it already, this gum is disgusting, but give me some anyway and I'll give it to my grandchildren" I'm not eating your nasty gum but it's good enough for my grand kids. I sure am happy you're not my grandma. Maybe next time your bread gets stale you can save that for your grandchildren too. I'm sure they'll enjoy that about as much as when their parents drag them over to your house for a few hours of your pleasant company and the gum you were sweet enough to get them. AND NOW, THE WEEKEND WEATHER REPORT This weekend's weather will be sunny with a 100% chance of bullshit. Luckily, you've gotten enough truth today to carry you well into next week. Everyone have a great weekend and I'll see you next week for another Spoon, Full of Truth.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
AMERICA'S FAMILY TREE IS LOOKING MORE LIKE A BUSH
BUSH FAMILY TO RUB MORE SALT IN AMERICA'S WOUNDS First Bush Sr. became president and attacked Iraq. Then Bush Jr. became president, attacked Iraq, gained a seconds term in office, and got some like-minded bible thumpers onto the Supreme Court. Now it appears, the Bush family wants Jeb to have a go. I don't know if this is worse for the American public or Iraq. Then again, I don't feel sorry for the 51% of voters who decided four more years of Dubya was a good idea. If they were idiotic enough to think that, they might be thrilled by the idea of half a decade of Jeb. Can't we convict the Bush family of assault on America? If you're fighting someone, and you keep kicking them when they are down, it's no longer self defense, it's assault. The Bush family has already kicked America's ass. Our military is beat up, our education system has a black eye, social security is on life support, our spirit is broken, and like a bully steals milk money, China owns our debt. Just when I thought that the Bush family would leave us crying on the ground, clutching to our last shreds of dignity, they stop, and contemplate turning around and giving us one more solid kick right to the groin. That's right Jeb, as far as America is concerned, your bid for the presidency would be a big old kick in the nuts. I think it's time for the Bush family to stop picking on this country. Sure, people elected them (Bush Sr. anyway), but that's like little kids in the school yard cheering on the bully. They are just being controlled by fear. Here's my suggestion for Jeb. Don't run for President, not now, not ever. Even while your older brother has his lowest approval rating ever (although not quite as bad as the low one your daddy sunk to) your approval rating is still over 55% in Florida. That means one of two things, you are actually doing a decent job in Florida and should stick to what you're good at, or Floridians are idiots. Before you run for president, most likely win (given the voting record of the red states), and then fall into total disfavor with your country, stop and think. History will most likely speak poorly of your father and your brother (unless they find a way to write their own history like Dubya's home boy Jesus did), do you really want to join them? Right now you're only an ass hole because your last name is Bush (and possibly because you helped rig an election Mr. Hanging Chad) but why become an ass hole because your actions as President dictate it? Your mom and brother Neil aren't exactly holding up the honor of the Bush family name, but you can, and it's as simple as not running for Commander in Chief. The decision is yours, but in my opinion, the last thing I want to see growing on the lawn of the White House is another Bush (regime). USA YESTERDAY While browsing through Yahoo on Wednesday to update my fantasy baseball team, I came across a story that ran Tuesday in USA TODAY(.COM). Here's the link: Coins cost more to make than face value: Financial News - Yahoo! Finance. Hmm, this sounds strangely like a story that ran in Spoon, Full of Truth way back on April 24th. USA TODAY? More like USA Three Weeks Ago. Go back into the archives and read the post titled "A penny saved is a penny earned...or is it?" and then read the USA TODAY story. Could it be that USA TODAY is using the Spoon as its latest news source? It certainly seems that way. It's been said that imitation is the greatest form of flattery. I didn't know you liked me like that USA TODAY. How long have you felt this way? I'm sorry to say it's pretty one sided. I don't really like you in that way. Maybe we can just be friends? You're just not hip enough for me. With a name like USA TODAY, you should be reporting the news of, wait for it, wait for it....TODAY?! If you really have nothing better to do than recycle my stories from a few weeks ago, you should get a hobby. I think you'd find ethics very interesting, you should try looking it up to see what it means. (As I was finishing this post, I also saw a report about the same story on the Colbert Report. It seems that many media outlets are tuning into the Spoon when their own news-wire runs thin) WOULD A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME REALLY SMELL AS SWEET? I had lunch with my friend Alan the other day at a nice restaurant over looking the park near our apartment building. As we sat there talking over our meal, the topic of naming things came up. We wondered how someone had first looked at a rock and determined to call it a rock, or how someone had looked at a tree and decided to call it a tree. At some point I mentioned the famous Shakespeare quote. It got me thinking. I don't think a rose by any other name really would smell as sweet. If it was called a cock-blossom, I wouldn't want to bring a dozen of them home to my wife and have her take a big whiff. If roses were called crotch rots, do you think they'd make crotch rot scented candles and air freshener? Let your brain marinate in that this weekend. WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? To learn the truth of course, one Spoon, Full of it at a time. Enjoy the weekend everyone. See you next week.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
THERE'S SOMETHING FISHY ABOUT DUBYA
I KNOW THE HUMAN BEING AND FISH CAN COEXIST PEACEFULLY On September 29th, 2000 our dimwitted President uttered this now famous quote, making it clear that he did not intend to wage war on salt, or fresh water fish. This week, when asked to pick the best and worst moments (so far) of his presidency, he had the following responses. Not surprisingly, he said the 9/11 attacks were the worst moment of his presidency. "I would say the toughest moment of all was after the whole reality sunk in and I was trying to help the nation understand what was going on, and at the same time, be empathetic for those who had lost lives," he said in the interview with a German newspaper. Obviously it took the reality a while to sink in. We all remember Georgie sitting in that classroom full of children while the twin towers burned. I'm sure the Dr. Seuss book he was reading was too riveting to break away from. Either that or he wasn't shocked because he knew it was coming. Allowing the 9/11 attacks to happen certainly opened the door for everything he's done since including the Patriot act, and the war in Iraq. However, when Dubya was asked to pick the best moment of his presidency, he had a harder time. He did not have an easy time picking just one because in his words, "I've had a lot of great moments." Oh yeah George? Name three. Ok, name one. So what did Dubya pick? "I would say the best moment was when I caught a 7 1/2-pound largemouth bass on my lake," Bush said, laughing. That's the best moment of your presidency? Catching a 7 pound fish on a lake? You don't need to be president to do that George. I could go fishing tomorrow and catch a fish. Hell, you could have gone fishing one weekend while you were AWOL from the National Guard, hopped up on cocaine, during the 7th inning stretch of a Texas Rangers game. If someone asked me what my best moment in my writing career has been, I wouldn't say, "The time I got some really good Chinese food delivery". What does one have to do with the other? They wanted to know what your best moment as PRESIDENT was. Not your best moment as some schmuck who likes fishing. Consequently, if the best thing to happen to you in the last five years is catching that fish, you need to find better ways to spend all that money your family is stealing from the American public. What about one of the days Cheney was out sick and they actually let you make some executive decisions? That wasn't better than the fish? How about the time you got to dress up like a pilot and take pictures on the air craft carrier? That's better than Halloween! I guess this is just another sign that there is no limit to what our president will lie about. One moment he's claiming that the human being and the fish can coexist peacefully. The next, he's saying his greatest moment as president was catching a fish with a hook through its mouth. Maybe that proves what I have suspected all along, George Bush isn't human at all. SORRY DAD, YOU WERE WRONG. I CAN AIR CONDITION THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD I've always had a love for air conditioning. My body temperature always runs a little high so I tend to be hot most of the time. If you ask anyone who knows me well (maybe some of them can leave comments to this effect), if they spend any time at my place, they are usually freezing cold. I used to run a giant window fan in my window all winter long. One night it got so cold that the snow blew into the room and actually settled on the floor. I happened to be warm and toasty in my heated water bed at the time. My friend, who was asleep on the floor, and woke the next morning covered in snow, was not as fortunate. In any event, in my house growing up we had a powerful air conditioner in the front room where you entered the house. Often times in the summer, we would go outside and forget to close the door behind us. This prompted my father to tell us that, "we can't air condition the entire neighborhood, you need to close the door". Well guess what dad? You were wrong. I've had the air conditioning blasting and the windows open in my apartment all week long. Who's air conditioning the neighborhood now? Maybe you just meant our neighborhood that I grew up in? Our apartment building includes air conditioning in the price of the rent (along with heat, hot water, and electricity). Because it costs me the same amount of money to run the air conditioning 24 hours a day with the windows open as it does to run it one hour a day with the windows closed, I thought I would do my neighbors a solid and attempt to air condition the entire neighborhood. With global warming, it might be a little harder then when I was a kid. What about the environment you ask? Well what's the environment done for me lately? My wife is suffering from terrible allergies. I am suffering from allergies for the first time in my life. The weather changes from hot and humid when I have to be outside for work, to cold and rainy when I want to go out on the town. Not to mention that nature is responsible for bees (to whom I am allergic), the cockroach I saw in the basement of our building the other day, and sand (which single handedly ruins the ocean in my estimation). So, for as long as I can afford it, and as long as nature continues to wage war against me and my outdoor comfort levels, I will continue to attempt my quest to air condition all of center city Philadelphia. Bundle up Philly, summer's coming. FINE YOUNG CANNIBALS I had a lovely discussion today with a friend about her new love interest. She said she was seriously involved with Pepe, a character from the Muppets. Pepe is a King Prawn. Although she was being completely facetious about the relationship it spawned a discussion about whether or not she'd be a Queen if she married a King Prawn. We decided that she would not, but that her children would certainly be royalty. We then began to question whether or not it would be wrong to eat your children if they were half prawn. I surmised it would be 50% wrong, and 50% tasty. She agreed to only eat half of each child. At this point, she told me, "Seriously though, I think it's wrong to eat people". I agreed, but left room open for certain situations. If I was stranded on an island and had a choice between eating my comrades and a coconut, I'd eat the coconut. If I ran out of coconuts, and I was going to starve, I'd BBQ some of the recently deceased. My friend then suggested that before I completely ran out of coconuts, that I could cook some people-stew in a light coconut sauce. This seemed like a decent compromise. Then it really got me thinking. Coconut shrimp is one of my favorite things to eat. If there really were half human, half prawn people, and I had some coconuts to batter them in, would it be cannibalism or just a tasty snack? I guess I'll never really have to come to these tough decisions. All I can say is, if I am ever stranded on an island and forced to eat people-meat to stay alive, I hope I am stranded with some half-prawn people too, cause they will be the first ones tossed into the pan. Wok and roll. (Disclaimer: No prawn-people were harmed in the writing of this story, nor was any marijuana smoked) THAT'S ALL SHE WROTE I guess it's all HE wrote, but you get the point. Until next time, you keep reading them, I'll keep writing them, one Spoon, Full of Truth at a time.
Friday, May 05, 2006
THE RETURN OF THE LIST
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO ANNOY ME As I said before, I know it's wrong to stereotype one group of people or another. However, I have no problem grouping people together based on a behavior that they all share. Furthermore, I have no problem calling these people out. These people and their behavior bother me so much that I cannot stay silent any longer. The following groups of people are now officially on The List (in no particular order): 1. People who believe that diet pills will make them thin You're sitting up late at night, eating ice cream directly from the carton, when you see an infomercial on TV for a hot new diet pill that promises to shed those extra pounds you seem to be collecting like comic books. So you call the 1-800-number and shell out a whole lot of money thinking that you can just pop this wonder pill and your weight woes will be history. Fat people can't read fine print? Try reading those little words at the bottom of the TV screen. I know they aren't all plump and tasty looking like the big words at the top of the screen, but they are full of stuff that's really good for you. It's called information. The pills work (possibly) in conjunction with proper diet and exercise...hmm, maybe proper diet and exercise alone would do wonders for you. If you want to shell out a bunch of money just give it to me. I'll just come to your house and scream at you to put down the doritos and hit the treadmill. If the pills really worked they'd sell them in every store in America. 2. People who pull up right behind you in their car when you're trying to parallel park Remember that little test you had to take to get your driver's license? In order to parallel park, you need to pull PAST the space you want, and then back into it. When I put on my turn signal, and pull past the space, do not pull up right behind me. When you do, I can't back up. But guess what? I'm not going to just drive off. I'm going to sit there. So you're either going to have to back up too, drive around me, or put your car in park and get comfy. I don't know whether you're trying to steal my parking space or you're just too self absorbed to realize that I just pulled past the space (slowly I might add) in order to back in to it, but please, learn to drive. 3. Popped collar kids I don't know why you think it looks good to take the collar on your polo shirt and flip it up like a protective cotton shield for the back of your neck. Maybe when you were sailing around the lake on your yacht and the wind blew your collar up like that you thought it was a sign from the fashion gods. It wasn't. It's always you yuppie looking kids that do this. Here's a news flash. Having a lot of money doesn't mean that everything you do is cool. If you want to buy some fashion sense, go right ahead, but it doesn't come free with your trust account. Every time I see one of you I am overwhelmed with the urge to just walk up to you and flip you collar back down. Did you all just get drunk and get awful tattoos on the back of your neck and you're trying to hide them? Is it like a mating call for preppie, yuppie, cool kids? "Hey look at me my collar sticks up, I'm cool!" All other cool-kid collar poppers...here I am!" Stop popping your collars and start popping your heads out of your asses. Please. 4. Servers at restaurants who try to up sell me. I was a server once. I know the deal. But come on, I can read. Do you think that I don't notice the big section on the menu that says "Appetizers" or the one that says "Drinks"? I'm not four years old. I don't need my mom and dad to order for me and I certainly don't need you to do it. If I did, I'd just call ahead to the restaurant, make a reservation for 7 PM, and just ask that my server pick out a dinner they think I'd enjoy and to have it ready when I got there. Generally, after I've already gotten my menu and made my selection, one of you will stroll over to my table and ask, "Do you know what you'd like to order?" Then, once I order, you follow it up with, "Can I offer you some wings, nachos, or something else to start with?" If I wanted an appetizer I would have ordered it. Next time, I think I'll let you talk me into it. "You're right, I was going to save this extra ten dollars so I could tip you, but in retrospect, I think I'd be much happier if I used it to get myself some wings. I'm glad you suggested it." 5. People who ask me for money for a bus or train ticket. At least once a week, someone stops me on the street and tells me some story about how they are stranded in center city and just need a few bucks to get a train or a bus home. If you didn't have the money to get home from the city, you shouldn't have come TO the city. It's not rocket science. This has happened to me in many different cities too. If you want a few bucks for drugs, just say so. Honesty is the best policy. I don't believe for a second that you somehow made it to the city and then all of a sudden realized in a moment of superior clarity that you'd somehow have to make it home. Maybe the next time you have a few bucks, you should buy yourself an extra bus token, or even better yet, buy yourself a clue. 6. People who are using the word "artisan" to spice everything up. I saw on TV the other night that Wendy's has new sandwiches that evidently come on artisan bread. I don't believe for a second that Wendy's has employed some master baker who has been honing his craft for years. It's a roll. Your sandwich comes on a roll. Why is it artisan? Because it sounds better? I went out to a restaurant this week for lunch and they had an artisan cheese plate. The sandwich I ordered however, just came on a baguette. If they were going to hire a cheese expert to design their cheese plate, couldn't they have hired a master baker to make artisan baguettes? Even Wendy's has a guy to do that. I've been writing for a while. Maybe I should call this an artisan blog. I also have a friend who farts all the time, ever since we were little kids. But he doesn't let one rip and say, "I sure have a handle on my craft. Did you smell that artisan fart?" Stop calling everything artisan. You are only succeeding at becoming artisans in making words lose all of their meaning by over-using them. TIME TO MAKE THE DOUGHNUTS For you loyal readers out there, you probably remember my tale of the power hungry cop that tried to give me a ticket for running a red light (if not, hit the archives and try to keep up). The ticket was later thrown out. In an attempt to gain a little more retribution for cops who like to exert their power by handing out unwarranted tickets, I offer a few humorous suggestions in how to deal with these creeps (I wouldn't suggest actually using most of these). 1. When the officer first approaches your car, say, "License and Registration please," right as he also says it. 2. Ask him if he ever watched the show "Cop Rock". 3. If he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race. 4. If he asks if you know how fast you were going, tell him you can't count higher than ten. 5. Ask him where he got his cool hat. See if he'll rent it to you for a Halloween party. 6. After you sign the ticket he's given you, say, "Oh sorry, I signed the wrong name". 7. Pick your nose while he's talking to you. 8. Ask him if he just wanted to get a better look at your car. See if he wants to buy it. 9. If he makes you get out of the car, trip and fall into him. If he pushes you away, accuse him of police brutality. 10. Keep changing your accent. FROM THE FILES OF: I SAW THAT COMING Rep. Patrick Kennedy crashed his car near the Capitol early Thursday, and a police official said he appeared intoxicated. Who's his dad again? Ted Kennedy? The apple doesn't ferment into alcohol and fall far from the tree. Another Kennedy scandal? Shocking! What next? A member of the Bush family will steal more money? Michael Jackson will invite more young boys into his bed? Dick Cheney's daughter is going to shoot someone? Maybe Bill Clinton will get another job. It's sad when certain people and certain families lose all of their shock value. When I read the news about another Kennedy in trouble with the law, I didn't even blink. CINQO DE MAYO That's right everyone, it's Friday, and it's the fifth of May. Everyone go home, grab a cold corona and enjoy the weekend. See you all next week for another Spoon, Full of Truth.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
DO AS WE SAY, NOT AS WE DO
GOOD TOUCH...BAD TOUCH Everyone has heard a story about someone's perverted uncle that molested them and said something to the effect of, "It'll be out little secret". U.S. detainees (both foreign and domestic) are now experiencing this for themselves at the perverse hand of Uncle Sam. Like every other act of indiscretion, Uncle Sam wants this to be America's little secret. Sorry Sam, the secret is out. Although the United States government claims to be against torture, what they really mean is that they are against torture that they do not agree with. In a report filed by Amnesty International on Wednesday, for the United Nations' Committee against torture they alleged torture and inhumane treatment are "widespread" in U.S.-run detention centers in Afghanistan, Iraq, Cuba (despite U.S. denials). The report also alleged abuses against the U.S. domestic law enforcement system that included use of excessive force by police and degrading conditions of isolation for inmates in high security prisons. The 47 page report filed by Amnesty International was quoted as saying, "Evidence continues to emerge of widespread torture and other cruel, inhumane or degrading treatment of detainees held in U.S. custody". Uncle Sam of course is trying to shift the blame to someone else, trying to blame the alleged torture on "aberrant soldiers and lack of oversight." These soldiers are trained by the U.S. military! What did they think would happen when they took young kids, gave them guns, brainwashed them into thinking that Arabs were the enemy, and then put them in charge of prisons full of Arab prisoners? We might as well have told them that for every prisoner that they torture that they get another $1,000 dollars towards the college education they are over there trying to earn (not all of our mommies and daddies can buy our way into Yale). And who's to blame for the lack of oversight? Hmm let's think, who's in Commander in Chief of the military? Dubya and his goons anyone? If you looked up "lack of oversight" in the dictionary you'd find a big picture of Bush and his cabinet. "The U.S. government is not only failing to take steps to eradicate torture, it is actually creating a climate in which torture and other ill-treatment can flourish," said Amnesty International USA Senior Deputy Director-General Curt Goering. Doesn't sound like a lack of oversight to me. It sounds like a very deliberate plan by our government to achieve their goals by any means necessary. In a memorandum from the U.S. Attorney General's in December of 2004, torture was reserved for "extreme" acts of cruelty. Is this really compatible with the global convention barring all forms of cruel, inhumane or degrading treatment? In its own submission to the council, the U.S. government took the stance that we were justified in holding thousands of foreign terrorism suspects in detention centers abroad (including Guantanamo Bay in Cuba) on the grounds that it was fighting a war that was still not over. Is this the "War on Terror"? The war on terror will never be over. Because the other side of the coin is, that the U.S. are the real terrorists. The people we claim are evil claim the same thing about us. So who are the real terrorists? People who live in White House's shouldn't throw stones. Having George Bush in power feels like torture to most of the world. I know it tortures me. The facts are clear. Dubya (a guy who used to think that using a little cocaine gave him a full serving of vegetables) now thinks that god (aka jesus) wants him to do everything he is doing and consequently, feels justified in his mind for every action he takes. The rest of the World sees it just a little bit differently. If Dubya wants to fight his christian holy war and torture people domestically and abroad he should take his family's millions and millions of dollars, organize his christian soldiers, and do it on his own. It's time he stopped carrying out these acts of terrorism with tax-payers money and besmirching the name of the United States and its citizens. As it stands now in this country (if things don't change), divided we stand, but united we will fall. HMMM, I PROBABLY COULD HAVE WORDED THAT BETTER Most people have a part of their brain that pre-approves statements before they are passed on to the mouth to be shared with others. Most of the time my brain functions that way. I'd like to share with you a few of the times it did not. One day, while enjoying a lunch at Friendly's (a restaurant that specializes in ice cream but also has quite a large food menu as well) with my friend Dan, we decided to kill a little more time (and the next class at school) by ordering sundaes after lunch. I happen to love Friendly's mocha-chip ice cream so I got that with some chocolate sauce, marshmallow, whipped cream, and jimmies (sprinkles to the layperson). Dan ordered a big gooey sundae with numerous toppings. One of them was a walnut topping in a syrup sauce. It is often referred to (in the ice cream world) as wet nuts. I'd never tried this topping before so when the sundaes arrived at our table, I took my spoon, reached across the table, and tried to take a few off of his sundae. He quickly used his spoon to block my attempt. We went back and forth like this for a few moments. Friendly's was packed that afternoon. Every table was filled. The place was very noisy with the buzz of conversation so when I decided to raise my voice at Dan, I didn't think anyone would hear it. Not thinking about what I was yelling anyway, I turned to attempt another pass at his sundae. Thwarted again by his spoon I became mad, "I just want to taste your nuts!" I hollered. By some wonderfully bad act of luck, at that exact moment, everyone else in the restaurant all went silent at once. My words echoed through out the entire place. Everyone turned and looked. As it turns out Dan finally let me taste his wet nuts. I had paid the price, he had gotten a taste of my shame. Another day, while playing a round of Par 3 chip-and-putt golf, Dan and I got into an argument over the number of strokes I had taken on the previous hole. I was sure I had shot a four, Dan claimed I had a five. We began to bicker. "Four!" "No, Five!" "It was Four!" "It was Five!" I knew I had gotten a four but Dan was the one with the score card and wouldn't change it. As we walked across the crowded golf course to the next tee, my words got the better of me again. "I just want-a stroke off," I yelled at him. I wish I could tell you I only yelled it once, but the truth is, by the time I looked up and saw everyone at the next tee laughing at me (there were a lot of people on the course and a back-up at each tee), I had uttered these words several times. By the time I realized what I was saying, it was too late. Dan finally gave me a four, and everyone else gave me the "thanks for sharing your urge to masturbate" stare (and a good chuckle) every time we got to one of the remaining tees. BREAKING NEWS The link to Spoon, Full of Truth: Reviews is now located below the subscribe button on the left hand side of the screen (under the archives). The first reviews will be posted late this week or early next week so stay tuned! Also look for the return of The List this Friday as a whole new group of people and their annoying actions come under fire. Please don't hesitate to use the comment feature to make remarks about any posts (whether you like or dislike them). If you'd like to write a guest column for the Spoon, please contact me at email@example.com and become the envy of all of your friends.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
THANKS FOR THE NEW TOY MOM AND DAD! WHAT'S IT CALLED? A BROTHER? It drives me nuts when I see a little toddler with big diamond earrings or gold chains. When you're a little kid, you don't care about stuff like that. If you really want to get a flashy piece of bling for a youngster, try a sibling. When I was almost four years old, my brother was born. My parents had given me the gift that keeps on giving. These days my brother and I are very close. He's a great guy and I'm thankful every day to have him in my life. Things weren't always this way. As any older brother can attest to, a large part of my childhood was spent entertaining myself (and often my friends), by finding new and creative ways to torture my brother and his friends (although I like to think I did some nice, loving things for him as well). In order to cleanse these wrong-doings from my adult life, I now present to you, Tales of Older Brother Shenanigans. THINGS AREN'T GOING SO SMOOTHIE: One hot afternoon, my friend Dan and I decided to make strawberry-banana smoothies. We blended up some ice, strawberries, bananas, sugar, and milk and made some delicious frozen drinks. We were enjoying them when we decided we could make a few bucks by selling them to my brother and his friend who were playing upstairs. My brother and his friend Brian were both chubby kids (like myself) and I knew they couldn't resist a cold, sweet treat on a hot day. We brought our smoothies upstairs along with a small sample cup for my brother and his friend to try. They, of course, loved the smoothies and we told them that for two dollars each, we would make them some. The money was required up front. With the four bucks in hand we returned to the kitchen to make them some drinks. With the money already in hand, the urge to do something underhanded was too hard to resist. Not only were we going to make some quick money from them, we were going to have fun at their expense. We made their smoothies just as we had made ours. Then, the fun began. Trying as hard as we could to only add ingredients that did not change the color or consistency of the smoothie too much, we added as many disgusting (although edible) items to their drinks as we could. When finished, we had successfully created what I can only imagine would taste like a vomit shake. We poured them into glasses, garnished them with strawberries, and served them to our unsuspecting victims. After one big gulp a piece the gig was up. We had charged them four dollars for a drink that we couldn't have paid them five times as much to drink. THE STOCK MARKET CRASHES: One of my brother's friends sucked his thumb much later than most children do. This, of course, gave my friends and I constant fodder to pick on him. One fall, I decided it would be a wonderful idea to create a company called No Whatley (the thumb sucker's last name) and to sell stock in said company to my brother's friends. Each share of stock came complete with a picture of an anti-thumb logo and a promise that it would double in value by the end of the school year. These kids couldn't get enough of it. Even Whatley himself bought several shares of the hottest 3rd grade commodity. My brother's friends actually competed to see who had the most shares during the course of the school year. Knowing that if I got my brother on board, the legitimacy of my company could only grow, I got him in on the plan. Together we sold countless shares of No Whatley stock to his friends who were eager to hand over their money. When the end of the school year finally came, the money having long since been spent, the No Whatley company declared bankruptcy. Shares instantly became worthless. It was a good lesson in investing for those kids though and I was glad I could provide such a valuable service. I like to think sometimes that at least one of them is now sitting in a big office on Wall Street putting this life lesson to good use. THE MONEY WOES CONTINUE: I relied on my brother and his friends a lot for money in my younger years. If it wasn't a sham company or a doctored smoothie it was often something else. When the simple raiding of his piggy bank became difficult because he started hiding it from me, it was time for the irresistible allure of a casino. My brother and his friends loved gambling. My brother had a little at home casino complete with a roulette wheel, craps table, and numerous card games. In order to stack the deck a little more for the house (aka myself), my friends and I took to inventing our own games. We would set up numerous betting stations in my bedroom and then charge my brother and his friends to come play. Once they paid the door-fee to enter the room (this fee was charged every time you entered my room so a trip to the bathroom was going to cost you) there were many games to play. The scam was simple, the first person to play a game won some money. This enticed other people to play (and then quickly lose). We didn't shuffle cards so pre-arranging the deck for our benefit was easy. We also had rules that were complicated and the younger kids often found themselves not understanding why they had lost their chips because the reason we invented was absurd. Every time they got fed up with one game we would introduce another. Often times they lost all of their money and had to return to my brother's room for more (we always reminded them to make sure to bring enough to pay the re-entry fee). When we had exhausted their spending, we often quickly closed the casino and took off with the money before they had time to argue. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. NOT SO SWEET DREAMS: If the urge for shenanigans was strong during the day, it only worsened at night. If I had a friend sleeping over, and so did my brother, this meant only one thing, late night war. We were less than subtle about this fact. My brother and his friends knew that once it got late, and my parents went to bed, that they better be on guard. We would leave notes for them warning them of their impending doom. I'm sure at some point I probably stunted my brother's social growth by scaring some of his friends out of spending the night at our house. I think some of them were just gluttons for punishment. If we were actually able to stay up late enough for my brother and his friends to fall asleep, they were in for a real surprise. This often involved filling their hair with as many hair care products as we could find, coloring on them, sticking their hands on each other's butts so they would wake with a nice handful of man-cheek, and the occasional "let's see who can spit on their faces the most without waking them up" contest. Oh the late night fun. Eventually, we would wake one of them and they'd start screaming for my dad and we'd have to dash back to my bedroom, hop into bed, and pretend to be asleep before my father reached my room, ready to scream at us. We became quite good at this. Maybe we were just playing navy seals and my brother and his friends were the enemy. They didn't willingly choose to be the enemy, but then again, the enemy rarely does. I just spent a week in Madrid with my brother last month, and I would like to report that he now sleeps through the night like a baby. Way to repress your childhood little bro. I love you. CONFESS TWO SINS, AND GET THE THIRD FOR FREE While I'm on the topic of confessing my childhood sins, I might as well get my money's worth. When I got a little too old to trick-or-treat on Halloween, I found a new way to enjoy celebrating the holiday creatively. My friend Dan and I would spend days building an elaborate haunted graveyard in my front yard. We had monsters that popped out of bushes and fell from trees, chalk outlines of dead bodies, numerous grave stones that glowed in the dark, scary music, and a spooky fog that we created with buckets of water and dry ice. All the kids in the neighborhood really enjoyed it and every year it got bigger and better. The one problem was that a group of older kids often walked around my neighborhood and stole candy from little kids. One year they went so far as to come to my door and forcefully grab the entire bowl of candy from us and run away. The next year, we decided to plan ahead. We bought peppermint patties that we could unwrap and some of the hottest hot sauce they sell. It was called Dave's Insanity. It was aptly named. We covered the peppermint patties in the hot sauce and rewrapped them. We stuck these candies in a different bowl and set it aside so that if the candy thieves returned, we could switch the bowls and they would take off with candy that would make them shit fire. On the side of the hot sauce bottle it warned you not to let the sauce come in contact with your skin. While preparing this special candy, Dan got a little insanity on his hands. When we were finished, and before the first group of trick-or-treaters arrived, Dan went to use the bathroom. In doing so, the hot sauce was transferred from his hands to his penis. Insert intense burning sensation here. Not knowing what to do, he rushed to the kitchen, filled a glass with water, and stuck his penis in it. About this time, my father wandered into the kitchen. He stared blankly at Dan. "Dan, what the fuck are you doing?" Dan, frozen by fear and embarrassment, did not respond. "Just makes sure you throw that glass away when you're done with it" and with that, my father left the kitchen. I think at some point my father just became numb to the shenanigans my friends and I pulled. Later that night the older kids returned and stole the basket of Dave's Insanity Peppermint Patties. I sure hope we put the trick, in their treat. HELL HAS FINALLY FROZEN OVER That's right folks, today I, D. Jacob Miller, agreed with George W. Bush. Are the planets aligned? Is hell really frozen solid? If you look out the window can you see pigs flying by? Don't bet on it. I just happen to think, like President By-stander (thanks Bruce Springsteen for the quote) that the National Anthem should be sung in English. I'm not saying that people should have to learn to speak English to live or work in the United States. But if you want to sing the National Anthem, sing it in English. I went to Italy last November. I don't pretend to be able to speak Italian. If I wanted to sing their National Anthem though, I would learn it in Italian. I like that our country is a large mix of different people from different places with different beliefs and from different ethnic groups. However, the National Anthem was written to be sung in English. Not only that, but the Spanish version changes the words. I'll be honest. Every time I am at a sporting event and they ask everyone to rise and remove their cap out of respect for America, I don't. Not because I don't respect America, but because I don't respect what the Bush Regime is doing to it. If they start singing the National Anthem in Spanish, and I can't even understand the words, I might as well just go take a bathroom break and wipe my butt with the stars and stripes. THERE WAS A FARMER HAD A DOG And truth was his name. Spoon, Full of Truth. That's all for today folks. Want to be a web-celebrity like yours truly? Write a guest column for Spoon, Full of Truth and be the envy of everyone you know. To apply, email me at Spoonfulloftruth@aol.com