SPOON, FULL OF TRUTH
A heavy dose of truth, humor, and political activism.
- Name: D. Jacob Miller
- Location: Phila, Pennsylvania, United States
Thursday, March 30, 2006
EVERYTHING'S BIGGER IN TEXAS, EVEN ABSURDITY Leave it to Texas to ruin something else. Texas has begun to send undercover agents into bars to arrest drunk people. Being in a bar does not exempt one from the state laws against public drunkenness, said a spokesperson for the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission. Although obviously being the Vice President, President, or one of his daughters, does. The same spokesperson (Carolyn Beck) said the goal was to arrest people before they leave the bar and do something stupid like driving a car. "There are a lot of dangerous and stupid things people do when they're intoxicated, other than get behind the wheel of a car," Beck also said. "People walk out into traffic and get run over, people jump off of balconies trying to reach a swimming pool and miss". What's next? Start arresting people when they first enter a bar? Or how about when they turn 21 before they can even get that first legal drink? You have to cut people some slack. Obviously some people make bad decisions when they are drunk. Anyone who's ever had sex with an ugly person after pounding a few shots can attest to that. These people are from Texas though. They choose to live there. They voted for Dubya. Obviously they aren't making decent decisions while they are sober either. It's illegal to drink and drive. It might even be illegal to get drunk and jump off balconies in a failed attempt to reach a swimming pool (in Texas it might even be punishable by death). But you can't start arresting people just for drinking BEFORE they do something stupid. It's legal to get drunk. It's legal to own a gun (sadly). Are they going to start arresting people who legally buy a gun because they might kill someone with it? If I had my way Texas could go be it's own country and they could do whatever they wanted. In fact, if I really had my way, being from Texas would be illegal in and of itself. However, Texas is still part of the United States and I was under the impression that people had to break the law before they could be arrested for it. Dick Cheney got drunk (allegedly) and shot someone in the face and no charges were filed, and they want to arrest other drunk people because they MIGHT do something stupid? Texas sure is the Lone Star state, and that light is awfully dim. SAVE THE WINGS FOR YOUR CHICKEN It is a sad day for anyone who trusts chicks in tight shirts who serve buffalo wings to provide decent in flight service. That's right folks, Hooters Air is going out of business. For those of you that didn't even know Hooters had started its' own airline, you probably aren't alone. Unless you happened to be watching T.V. at 3AM on a Tuesday night (or any other "prime time" for advertising) to catch the fifteen second commercial they ran, how would you know? I get what they were trying to do. Boobs sell. Just one slight problem. I trust a chick with big tits in a low cut shirt and tight orange pants that show off her ass to bring me some chicken wings. I'll even go as far as to play along when they try to secure a better tip through their powers of slut-persuasion (the last time I ate at a Hooters, the waitress walked over to the table, proceeded to drop her pen on the floor before she could take our order, and bent over to pick it up in such a way as to show off as much of her tits and ass as she could. This, no doubt, is the first lesson in the Hooters training video). However, I do not trust some big breasted girl in tight shorts to keep her cool and protect me in the event of an emergency at 30,000 feet. Although in the event of a water landing, her implants may be used as a floatation device. I enjoy titties as much as the next guy, but I don't think a nice rack gives you license to work on an airplane. Honestly, I don't even think it gives you license to serve me wings and beer. I'm not allowed to fly with nail clippers and I'm supposed to feel safe with these chain-restaurant sluts in charge? Who's flying the plane? Carmen Elektra? I get it, you have a nice body. It doesn't mean I'm going to tip you any more when you bring my food (not unless you're gonna wrap yourself up in a giant doggy bag and come home with me). And it certainly doesn't mean I'm going to fly on your airline. Not that it matters anyway. Hooters Air, has gone completely Bust. (For those of you who are kicking yourself for not catching a ride on one of these fun-filled flights, the company will still focus on charter flights for tour groups and sports teams. Maybe now the Minnesota Vikings can lose the party boats). THE SPOON HAS LEFT THE BUILDING You want more truth? You want more truth? You can't handle more truth! Not for today anyway. But check back soon, there's another Spoon, Full of Truth, right around the corner. Don't forget the comment section. It's your pipeline to D. Jacob Miller and his magic Spoon. Take advantage people, take advantage.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
WAR, (WHO OR) WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?
CHINA AND JAPAN IN BIDDING WAR TO BUY AMERICA Here are some facts about the war in Iraq. A war that Dubya declared over well over a year ago. The cost of this "war" to the United States is 10 Billion dollars per month. Per MONTH. The total cost so far is more than half a Trillion dollars. With a price tag like this, the U.S. has been borrowing money like crazy from both China and Japan just to keep our country afloat. If U.S. debt was like a collection of famous paintings, China and Japan would have the most astounding collections in the world. Couldn't we have just bought all of Iraq's oil for 500 Billion dollars? Or is this about more than oil? Osama Bin Laden became angry at the U.S. because we had military bases in Saudi Arabia so he attacked America. Our government's response? Invent stories of WMD's, invent stories of Iraq's connection to 9/11, invade Iraq, control their oil, and, most importantly, build military bases there. Our response to being attacked because we have military bases in the middle east, is to build more military bases in the middle east. That's like some guy beating you up because you slept with his sister and never called her again, so you decide to get even by doing the same thing to his mother. Do you think he'll just let it slide the second time and figure that if you didn't learn your lesson the first time that you never will? Or do you think he'll kick your ass even more severely? My money is on the ass kicking. All the U.S. is doing, is giving Osama and his followers what they see as reason for another, larger attack on American soil. Bush claims he's trying to get our soldiers out of Iraq as soon as possible. Then why are we building four major military bases there, one of which has a Burger King, Pizza Hut, and a full car dealership? It's simple. We're not leaving Iraq any time soon. The U.S. wants military bases in the middle east and this was the best way Dubya's goons could think of to get them. So we borrow billions and billions of dollars from China and Japan to fund this effort. It doesn't stop there. The new U.S. port security deal was awarded to a Chinese company with a no-bid contract. Coincidence? I doubt it. IRAN, IRAN SO FAR AWAY When we first invaded Iraq three years ago, we disbanded 400,000 Iraqi soldiers without first disarming them. They are now using these weapons, in many cases, to fight our military. Why should we have disarmed them though? We gave them the weapons in the first place. That's right, when the U.S. viewed Iran as the biggest threat in the middle east not all that long ago, we supplied Saddam and his army with plenty of weapons so they could fight Iran. Then, when we decided later that Saddam was the bigger threat, we invaded Iraq. The outcome? Iran has become the big winner of the war with Iraq. With U.S. forces tied up in Iraq for years and years to come, Iran has started a new nuclear weapons program. And why not? We don't have the resources to invade them too. Let me sum this up. We give Iraq weapons to fight Iran. We then invade Iraq and disband their army without disarming it. Many of those former soldiers become insurgents and attack us with the weapons we gave them. Meanwhile, we are so busy fighting the Iraqi's we supplied with weapons, that we allow Iran to do pretty much whatever it wants. Does this make sense to anyone? I guess Dubya plan is to spend many more years in Iraq, build bases, let Iran return to power, and then team up with Iraq and attack Iran again. Then, when that's all over, we can let the Iraqi's keep the weapons again so that we can attack them again when Jeb runs for President. I'm sure he's just looking out for future generations of military personnel. Otherwise, they might be out of a job, and if there's one thing George Bush can't stand, it's unemployment. SPOON, FULL OF TRUTH: QUOTE OF THE WEEK "I'm from Washington, I don't have all of this intellectual firepower" Jack Kingston, (R) Georgia. I don't think I can say anything more about this. 'Nuff said. I BID YOU A FOND FAREWELL Take a little time to take in your daily truth, before I hit you with some more hard hitting news later in the week. Comments are always appreciated. You keep reading 'em, I'll keep writing 'em.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
I'VE GOT IT BAD, I'M HOT FOR TEACHER
FROM THIS TEACHER, FORGET AN A, I'D LOVE AN F All charges were dropped against Debra Lafave yesterday, the 25 year old Tampa area teacher accused of having sex with a 14 year old student. I recently saw her racy photos in a 1999 edition of "Makes & Models," an exotic car magazine, and I only have one question: where the hell were teachers like this when I was fourteen? When I was fourteen I was getting less play than Kevin Federline's new CD. Even so, I still didn't have any teachers hot enough to even fantasize about having sex with. I certainly didn't have any who had recently shot magazine layouts atop a motercycle in nothing but their underwear, and I went to private school. Where was all that money going? Last I checked, ugliness is free (and in the case of some of my teachers, was handed out generously) and should be reserved for those receiving a free education. Even if I had been lucky enough to have a trashy looking model as my teacher, and had the balls to ask her to tutor me after school in Bumping Uglies 101, I'm pretty sure she would have said no. So what's with these lucky little 14 year old shits today? They just don't know how good they have it. The charges against Ms. Lafave were dropped when prosecutors and defense attorneys urged the judge to accept a deal for the sake of the boy involved. A psychiatrist who examined the teenager told the judge at a previous hearing that the boy suffered extreme anxiety from the media coverage of the case and does not want to testify. Hello? Are you kidding me? I remember when I was fourteen and got a little action for the first time. I couldn't wait to tell anyone within ear shot about it. If I had been nailing my 25 year old teacher, I would have given an interview to the school paper, the Today Show, and personally requested that Court TV be allowed to film the entire trial. What exactly is the stigma attached to a 14 year old boy who has sex with an older, decent looking woman? Is he going to get teased by his peers? "Ha ha, you had sex with Ms. Lafave! Loser! I'm holding out til high school for a girl our age who barely knows how to give a hand job. Sucks to be you!" I thought my sex-ed class was informative. If I had known that a decade later it would be an instructional class, I would have flunked the ninth grade ten years in a row. PULLING OUT: NOT JUST FOR BIRTH CONTROL ANYMORE If Monica Lewinsky had just swallowed, before Bill Clinton pulled out, the American public never would have had to witness the whole White House blow job scandal (as mapped out in detail on Monica's dress) or spent millions and millions of dollars investigating it. Luckily for our armed forces, Clinton liked to make love and not war, and no lives were lost. George Bush could learn a lot from Clinton's scandal. It's time Dubya swallowed (his pride) and pulled out (our troops from Iraq). President Bush said Tuesday that American forces will remain in Iraq for years and it will be up to a future president to decide when to bring them all home. And why shouldn't it be? Why should he make these tough decisions? He's only the Commander in Chief of our military. Maybe it's just an honorary title, like when the Queen of England knighted Elton John. The rocket-man could no better dawn a suit of armor, pick up a sword and shield and slay a dragon, than George Bush could make strategic military decisions. If George Bush has proved nothing else during his Presidency, it's that he is a master of getting into trouble, and about as effective as FEMA, when it comes to getting out of it. Man up George. Trust me, I like the fact that you are the American President far less than you do, but like it or not, you are. Clinton didn't know when to pull out and he stained a very nice little black dress. If you don't figure out soon, that it's time to pull out, you'll be soiling the lives of countless Americans, and the blood of our soldiers that have died, and will continue to die, will stain your hands forever. STUPID EBAY AUCTION OF THE MONTH Got some extra money lying around that you're just dying to part ways with? Tired of just burning those extra hundred dollar bills to stay warm? Here at Spoon, Full of Truth, I've located one of the dumbest Ebay auctions I have ever seen for those of you just looking to throw your hard earned money away. http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5676713133#ebayphotohosting If any of you are dumb (or rich) enough to bid on an item like this, please share the story with me at Spoonfulloftruth@aol.com. CATCH YOU ON THE FLIPSIDE That's all the truth that's fit to print today. Any more, and you readers might not be able to handle it. I find the truth is best digested one big Spoon, full of it, at a time. Please feel free to comment on any topics you may agree or disagree with. Comments only make my job easier, and that's really why we're all here, isn't it? Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
TIME TO CELEBRATE WITH GREEN BEER AND NUDITY
SHOW ME YOUR TITS My first night in Madrid we went to a Mardi Gras party. Every time a guy bought a drink they would give him a set of beads. Girls had to try to get as many beads from the guys as possible. At the end of the night, the girl with the most beads won prizes. Sound familiar? Like every other Mardi Gras celebration you've heard of? Not exactly. There is one fundamental of any Mardi Gras celebration that was severely lacking. That's right, you guessed it, tits. There's one reason the guys walking around with the beads decide to give them to a girl. It's not because she asks nicely, it's not because she's pretty, it's because she lifts up her shirt, and flashes the goods. Period. Now, truth be told, there are some girls I would give beads to if it would make them keep their shirt on, but they generally aren't the ones flashing people anyway. The girls in Madrid obviously weren't aware that in order to get beads, they have to bear boobs. Too bad for the guys there. Last night, while sitting on my couch in Philadelphia, I saw a story on the evening news about a bar in West Chester, PA that was being investigated because there had been complaints about girls flashing their tits at a Mardi Gras party a few weeks ago. Pictures of the Fat Tuesday party, had shown up on the internet. I immediately had two thoughts. I knew I could count on American girls to earn their beads, and what the hell is wrong with these people who are complaining about it? I'll make it easy. There are 365 bar nights per year. On Fat Tuesday, don't go to a bar with a Mardi Gras celebration if you're offended by a little female topless nudity. Drink a beer at home, go to another bar, or just spend one night at home sober reading your bible. Why not let the rest of us (heterosexual males, lesbians, and anyone else who isn't offended by a little skin) enjoy ourselves and exercise our right to see some nudity? I know this country was founded by prudes who fled from Europe because all the sex that was going on was just too much for them to handle, but I don't think one day a year is asking too much. You guys that are against this kind of thing disgust me. When did you stop being MEN and start being christian moralists? Yes, that's right, you can't be both. You either love tits or you don't. If you love jesus more than a hot, topless, drunk girl, you are no longer a man. I can hear your balls shrinking from here. For you girls who are offended by it, leave your shirts on. No problem. But don't make those drunk girls who want to get topless and dance on tables do the same. Those of you out there who are most offended by nudity, could probably use it the most. It's Mardi Gras, lose the bra. KISS ME, I'M IRISH Actually I'm not Irish at all, but why should the Irish get all the kisses? They already get their own holiday. You don't really need to be Irish to enjoy St. Patrick's Day. As long as you like to drink Guinness or green colored beer in large amounts, you can have a grand time. I drank plenty on Friday and enjoyed myself quite a bit (the parts I can remember anyway). My friend and I spent all day in a sports bar, watching college basketball (go Villanova!), followed by an evening of drinking green alcohol (has anyone seen the green fairy?) and hopping from bar to bar, meeting many, many drunk Irish people (including those who are only Irish one day a year). Binge drinking and St. Patrick's Day go hand in hand. Coincidence? I think not. Do the Irish like to drink? You bet they do. Are ALL Irish people drunks? Of course not. These days it seems that people are so busy focusing on equality, that they don't take the time to remember that there are aspects of different cultures that separate us. That's not to say any one culture is better than another, just that there are differences. Those differences should not get lost in the push for equal rights. I don't always disagree with stereotyping. Sometimes it is bad, but you have to remember that some stereotypes are based firmly in reality. Are all Irish people alcoholics? Of course not. But some are. Do all Jews have big noses? No. But I know many who do. Can all black people out run and out jump white folks? Not all of them. But who's the last white guy to win the gold metal in the 100 meter dash? And how many white guys have won the NBA dunk contest? A college football coach was ripped in the media this past season for saying his team was too slow and they should get a few more black athletes. He was called racist. I don't see this as being racist, just a cultural difference. The fact is, we are not all the same. And I wouldn't want us to be. I like that there are many different cultures and types of people. The United States has always been called a melting pot. I don't like that analogy. In a melting pot, everything gets melted down and eventually, all becomes the same. How about a mixed salad instead? A salad can have many different ingredients and they all go well together but each bite holds something different. When we are no longer allowed to recognize the differences that make each culture different, without being called racist, then we all lose our identity. It's like someone saying that the winter is cold, and I immediately jump down their throat and call them a "seasonist" because there was an 80 degree day this week and a few others in the 70's. Not EVERY day of the winter is cold, but you can't always view everything on a case by case basis. We should be celebrating the things that make each culture different, not pretending they don't exist. I understand that some stereotypes are dangerous. Not all Jews are cheap. Not all blacks are gang bangers. Not all Italians are Mobsters. Not all Mexicans are lazy. These stereotypes are unfair. But where do you draw the line? If you have 100 people in a room, how many have to be ugly to say it's a room FULL of ugly people? All 100? 90? 80? To say that drinking is not a part of this big Irish holiday is just untrue. It doesn't mean that all Irish people are alcoholics as many people say. It's just an aspect of the celebration. MY BRAIN RECOVERS That's all for today folks. I need another day or so for my brain to fully recover from a long weekend before diving back into the humor and politics you've all come to love. Do not worry, the Spoon, Full of Truth will be back in full force by week's end. I hope you enjoyed my stories of celebration. Spoon, out.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
DUBYA, FEAR FACTOR, AND MULLETS...OH MY!
LOVE THY PRESIDENT I got a recent email here at Spoon, Full of Truth that suggested that I am too hard on George Bush and that he's done good things and there is some good in every person. It really got me thinking and I decided that maybe I have been too hard on him. I sat down and thought about the ten things I really love the most about Dubya. Here they are. THE TOP 10 REASONS THAT I LOVE BUSH: 10. He loves freedom, who doesn't love freedom? 9. my IQ scores look really impressive when compared to the President's. 8. He went to Yale which made me realize I could buy my kid an Ivy League education if I have enough money, regardless of his intelligence. 7. He's always inventing new words for me to learn. 6. He taught me that the popular vote is meaningless. 5. He cares about the children (and always makes sure that they IS learning) 4. I own stock in Duct Tape. 3. Who wants to go to a beautiful place like Cuba anyway? 2. His cabinet appealed to my childish sense of humor (Bush, Dick, and Colon...you can't make stuff like this up) 1. He constantly gives me new fodder for this blog. So to all you readers out there that though I was being too hard on President Bush, I hope this helps you to realize that I really can see the good in him (the proverbial needle in the haystack). REAL REALITY TELEVISION Fear factor makes me sick. It shouldn't be called Fear Factor. It should be called "Shame Factor". How much money is it going to take for you to eat maggots, or cow penis on television? I'm not afraid of eating cow penis, I just think it's disgusting. It won't kill you. I'm afraid of someone forcing me to eat it, but that isn't the case on the show. They always have a choice. If they want to combine real fear with a dose of reality, here are some good ideas. How about hunting with Dick Cheney? Every fifteen minutes they all take another shot of whiskey. And these people aren't even his friends. Or how about riding out a Hurricane in New Orleans with George Bush as President? They could have a whole Real World style house, full of people, and hurricane season lasts a full six months or so. Who will make it the longest before they flee? This week, on FOX, we take 10 American contestants without health insurance and give them all severe illnesses. Whomever lives the longest gets a million dollars and health insurance for the rest of their life. Will they be able to cover the obscenely high costs of their treatment and medications? Tune in to find out. I would also tune in to watch a show about Cowboys and Giants fans who come cheer for their team in sports bars in South Philadelphia when they are playing the Eagles. Last one to get beat up wins season tickets to their team. You want fear? How about taking ten Jewish contestants and ten gay contestants and making them all move to small towns in the bible belt? Jesus saves? I wouldn't bet on it. All of those shows would put fear into the contestants. Giving someone the option to eat brains, testicles, or bugs for money isn't an issue of fear, it's an issue of buying their dignity. ICE HOCKEY VS. MADRID: BATTLE FOR MULLET SUPREMACY A mullet by any other name is still a mullet. You know the haircut right? Short top, long back. The hockey player haircut. The yup-nope ("little off the top?" "Yup" "little off the back?" "nope"). It's almost like halfway through their haircut these guys noticed a sign that says "haircuts $10" and realized they only had a five. In the states, this haircut is consider something of a white-trash style. No one rocks the mullet and is proud of it unless they also rock Nascar T-shirts and drink 40's of Bud and are proud of those traits as well. In Canada, hockey players, and wannabe hockey players, rock the mullet, but for them it's accepted. Being good at hockey in Canada will allows you to get away with any number of other shortcomings (like fashion sense). Citizens of Madrid however, take the mullet to a whole new level. My brother and my friend Alex had warned me about the mullet scene in Madrid, but I still wasn't prepared for what I saw in my time there. These guys had well groomed fashion mullets. Now when I say fashion, I mean in the sense that they put in work on their hair despite their hairstyle. These guys obviously paid to have their hair cut that way because they like it, not because they lacked the funds for a proper haircut. They also applied a good deal of hair products to their mullets. They were gelled, spiked, teased, and dyed. They were groomed mullets. The chicks over there seemed to dig the mullet on their men as well. In the states, if you see a good looking girl dating a guy with a mullet, it's a safe bet that they are cousins. Not so in Madrid. I don't know what is worse. Having a mullet and not caring. Or having a mullet because you DO care about your appearance. At least here, when I get sick of looking at bad hair, I can just concentrate on the goal scoring and hard checking of hockey. UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN That's the end of the line for today folks. The Spoon is still looking for guest writers so please contact me if interested. Until next time, rock the archives, share the link, and spread the truth.
Monday, March 13, 2006
HOLA! THE SPOON IS BACK!
GET READY FOR A SMORGASBORD OF TRUTH, THE SPOON IS BACK After two weeks of vacation the Spoon, Full of Truth is back! Sorry it's taken me so long to post but it just wasn't feasible from Madrid. Expect many new posts (and stories from Spain) in the coming weeks. Let's get to it. YOUR MOMMA'S SO OLD, SHE COUGHS DUST I hate long flights. The cramped space, the crappy service, the horrible food; it's enough to make you want to step out into mid-air at 30,000 feet. I got to the airport in Madrid three hours before my flight home to Philadelphia and checked my baggage. I proceeded to my terminal to do a little last second Duty-free shopping and to grab a bite to eat. After sitting around for about 2 hours, I was able to board the plane for my ten hour flight home. Right away, I knew I was in for a treat. The plane was a 2-3-2 format. Two seats, an aisle, three seats, another aisle, and finally, two more seats. I was seated in the window seat with an open seat next to me. A couple, easily in their seventies if not older, sat in the two seats in front of me. The woman, seated directly in front of me, began coughing as soon as she sat down. Big, dry, hacking coughs, the kind I suspect only old people are capable of. Maybe she just had a dry throat and needed a drink. Maybe not. She coughed as we pulled away from the gate. She coughed as we taxied across the runway. She coughed as we took off. The plane was pretty full. There was an empty seat here and there, but most of them were in the middle of the three seaters, which is the worst seat on the plane. Or so I thought. After about twenty minutes in the air, and forty or so more coughs, the old man got up, gathered his things, kissed his wife, and moved to another seat. Obviously she was wearing on his nerves as well. For the next five hours I listened to this old bag cough and cough and cough. Never once did she consider covering her mouth. Some old ladies give you candy, some give you germs. I tried to ignore it, I really did. I watched the crappy movie, I ate the crappy food, I watched a second crappy movie. Then, it hit me. I was starting to get congested. My eyes itched. I was getting warm. This bitch's illness was invading my body. From that point on I just couldn't let it go. Every cough brought either a dry remark, "it must be hard when you're so old that you can't even move your hand to cover your mouth when you cough", or a light kick to the back of her seat. She was not persuaded to stop. When the flight finally landed at the gate, I collected my things and my newly acquired germs, flashed her and her husband some less than friendly looks, and de-boarded. The worst was over. Wrong again. USAIR-HEADS After about fifteen minutes at the baggage carousel, the luggage from Madrid began to arrive. I had checked two bags through. A small red suitcase, and a large hiking backpack. After a minute or two, the suitcase arrived. I waited for the backpack. More and more bags came, and as they did, less and less people remained at the carousel. Finally, I was standing their alone. The screen claimed that the bags were done unloading. My backpack had not arrived. I talked to a lady in a blue blazer with some official looking badges and she told me she was very sorry and I could fill out a form online when I got home. When I finally arrived home, I filled out the form and went to sleep. The next morning around 8:30 AM, my phone rang. I awoke, congested and sick, and answered it. "Can I please speak with Mr. D. Miller?" the voice requested. I informed him that he already was. "Mr. Miller, this is USAIR, are you missing anything?" "Yes, a backpack of mine was lost on my flight back from Madrid yesterday" "I see," he replied. "Could you explain to us then what it was doing located outside of the American Airlines terminal?". I didn't appreciate his line of questioning."Um, could you explain to ME, what my bag was doing outside of the American Airlines terminal?" "Mr. Miller it is against airport regulations to leave bags, unattended, outside of the terminals". "I guess you're going to have to fire someone then, that's too bad". He paused, and then continued with his questions, "What did you do when your bag didn't arrive, Mr. Miller?" "I informed an official looking woman that my bag was missing and she told me that I should fill out something online when I got home," I told him. "That is not proper USAIR procedure and we have no record of you filing a report online. Could you tell me what the woman looked like?" Losing my bag and then questioning where it was found evidently wasn't good enough, now he had to question my word. "Is it proper USAIR procedure to lose luggage? I was a little more concerned with my lost bag then with the appearance of your staff. She was wearing a blazer, it had some badges of some sort on them, I think she had blonde hair," I paused. "Did I mention YOU lost my bag? I'm sure I did. Did I mention that it had my house keys in it and I was forced to break into my own apartment when I got home...do you want to question me about that too? It might not have been proper apartment building procedure." He finally began to see that we were going to get nowhere if he continued to accuse me of anything other than being more than patient with USAIR. "So you have my bag now?" I asked him. "Yes that is correct Mr. Miller". "Do you think I could get it back now?" He confirmed with me my address and phone number (and even managed to get the phone number wrong despite the fact that he had called me) and told me it would be delivered to me later that afternoon. He asked if there was anything else I needed. I was tempted to tell him that I was an avid collector of idiot's signatures, and if he could please send me his, it would instantly become my most treasured one, but I let it go. It was obvious that early on in his career he had checked his people skills through to this job, and they had never arrived. LET THE MADNESS BEGIN With the NCAA tournament set to kick off this Thursday, I would just like to send out some well wishes to the Villanova Wildcats in their attempt to bring home a second NCAA title. This is a special Wildcat's team and I have no doubt that if they play the same style of basketball that they have played all season, that they can beat any team in the country. V for Villanova! V for Victory! DO YOUR PART Share this link and the Spoon, Full of Truth with everyone you know. Read (and even re-read) the posts in the archives. Your friends will thank you and I'll sing your praises. Until next time...