THINK LOCALLY...ACT NATIONALLY, INTERNATIONALLY, AND POST RAPTURE

FLAIR FOR HAIR
It’s a cold Monday afternoon in February and I’m walking through Rittenhouse Square, hopping over piles of snow as I search for 128 South 19th Street. I find it nestled on a second floor walk-up just off of the square (in the space that was previously the upstairs bar at Loie). A small sign on the door reads “The Studio CL”. It is a brand new business concept from hair stylist Artur Kirsh. Kirsh, originally from Russia, moved to the United States in the mid 1990’s and began honing his craft at the age of sixteen. In 1996 he arrived in Philadelphia and began building his reputation amongst local and national celebrities (including Kathy Griffin and Celine Dion).

Kirsh has recently revamped his Studio CL into a new brainchild which he expects to revolutionize the stereotypical hair salon: “The Workshop” at Studio CL.
Boasting custom color techniques (the old Loie bar has been converted into a hair color bar) and a “dry cutting” method, Kirsh is able to stay on the cutting edge of style. He explained to me that “by cutting and styling hair while it is dry, you are able to instantly get a more visual approach”.

Upon entering The Workshop I can instantly tell that this place is unique. The space is very fluid allowing hair stations to be moved around freely. Abstract art covers the walls. A small set of stairs leading to the upper portion of the Studio CL, as well as the hallway at the top, are painted in warm, vibrant yellows, oranges, and reds. With a smile Kirsh explains to me that he personally painted it that late one night. He hates the word “salon” and really wants the Studio and Workshop spaces to have a one of a kind feel.

Dressed in a red flannel shirt and a black winter cap, Kirsh introduces me to the staff members working that day. They are a mix of senior stylists and apprentices. The Workshop trains all new stylists in house to assure that they learn color and cutting techniques from industry veterans (such as Kirsh and senior stylist and creative director Alexey Kats).

Normally The Workshop would be filled with clients in the early afternoon but today something special is going on. The Studio space has been transformed into a space for a photo-shoot. Kirsh, Kats, and other Workshop stylists are collaborating with a make-up artist and local models. The models take turns having their hair and make-up styled. Next each will be dressed by stylist Jackie Fantacone (who looks surprisingly like Sarah Jessica Parker) in fashions provided by First Impressions (where she works at 470-472 East Germantown Pike, Lafayette Hill PA 19444) and hand made jewelry from local designer Christine Yi (www.facebook.com/cyijewelry).


As I watch Kirsh literally create hair concepts on the spot, he tells me that he really wants his clients to feel special, as if the Studio CL and the treatment they receive there is a secret that only they (and a select other few Philadelphians) know about. His eyes light up as talks about The Workshop and his work as a stylist, calling it “his high”.
“I have two things I love,” he states matter-of-factly, “My son, and what’s around me” (referring to the Studio).

The first model is almost ready to begin and it is becoming clear that this is no ordinary photo-shoot. It is a true collaboration that will benefit everyone involved. The models will get new photos for their portfolios, and the Workshop, photographer, Neiman Marcus, and Christine Yi will all have use of the photos as well. Everyone involved seems very happy with the arrangement and as the staff playfully changes the music from country, to hip-hop, to rock, to Russian house…everyone seems relaxed and excited.

Glancing over at a wall of hair care products, I notice that many of them bear the brand name “Artur” and ask him about it.
“My customers use it at home… so they take a shower and I am always with them,” he jokes.

The hairstyles are like nothing I have ever seen. It is clear that hair can truly be an artistic medium in a way I had never considered before. I am struck with the urge to hop into the chair myself and ask Kirsh to work his magic on my hair but I manage to resist.

The models are filmed one at a time and when they have completed their individual session they return to have their hair, wardrobe, and jewelry changed. Often, between each individual photo, Kirsh or another stylist will step in to fix the slightest imperfection in the model’s hair creation. Being a photographer myself I break out my camera and decide to capture some shots of the day.

The models working that day all really enjoy having the Studio stylists make them over (even though none of the hair styles are permanent). Local model Adrienne Schultz thought the whole experience was great. “It was awesome!” she told me.

As I exit the Studio CL Workshop back onto the snow covered street below I am struck with the feeling that I am now in the know about a Philadelphia gem. I am convinced that any woman leaving this distinctive space will do so feeling better about herself than when she walked in; something I am sure Artur Kirsh would be very proud of.
Oh and by the way guys, they style men’s hair too.

The Studio CL Workshop
128 South 19th Street
Philadelphia, PA 19103
215-496-0604
http://www.thestudiocl.com/

(all photos used in the above story are copyrighted property of D. Jacob Miller. All rights reserved)


YOU’VE GOT A KNIFE, BUT I’VE GOT SELF EXPRESSION
Are you attending the 2010 World Cup? If you’re like me you’d probably like to avoid getting stabbed while rooting for your native country. You’re in luck. Thanks to Protektorvest, you can wear your country’s flag with pride on your new knife-proof vest for only $69.95! When you decide to celebrate your national pride and a disgruntled, angry fan from another country (that just lost to yours or just hates your for your freedom) picks up a knife and tries to plunge it into your chest, he’s going to be in for his second disappointment of the day.

According to a statement on their website (http://www.protektorvest.com/):
“Our approach to bring protective clothing to the masses is unique. By enabling your protective vest to communicate with each other through messages like ‘Free Hugs’ or ‘Olé’ we hope we can bring a new dimension to personal protection clothing. Our vest can be decorated with badges of your choice and we are open to your creativity.”

Why didn’t I think of this? Clearly the days of drab stab-proof clothing are gone forever. At long last my love of cheering for my country in a global Futbol competition has teamed up with my desire to avoid getting stabbed in any of my vital organs. If that doesn’t make you want to shout “Ole” …I don’t know what will.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any better I noticed that Protektorvest will “donate $1 per order to charities fighting against knife crime.” I have a dream that one day, with enough donations, I will be able to wear my Protektorvest simply to let those around me know that I love Sweden, The United States, Free Hugs, or just about anything else, and not because I’m worried that someone might plunge a five inch blade into my kidney. Soccer truly is the beautiful game.

CHASTITY IS FOR THE DOGS
When I was a kid I used to love the show “The Price is Right”. At the end of every show host Bob Barker would sign off the air with his famous plea to “Help control the pet population…have your pet spayed or neutered”.

Pet owners that want to help do their part to prevent over population of dogs, or just want to keep their prize show dog from getting knocked up from that frisky dog next door now have another option.

According to AOL news, a dog breeder from Louisiana has invented a strap-on canine chastity belt.

Dexter Blanch, 51, introduced the Pet Anti Breeding System (PABS, as he calls it) a polypropylene belt with an eight-buckle locking system and a washable mesh pad for female dogs two months ago. The device allows the pooch to do all its natural bodily functions, except one, of course.

The PABS slogan: "When the heat is on, lock it, and stop it."

I’m not sure how I feel about this. I’m more inclined to believe advertising slogans when they rhyme.

"The dogs can urinate and defecate," Blanch says. "But they can't copulate or impregnate."

That’s better. You have my attention Mr. Blanch, but what’s the catch?

While a female dog is in heat (a period of three weeks for many breeds) a pet owner would be required to rinse out the reusable pad in the mesh area but it appears that Blanch figures that's no different than picking up after your animal companion.

"I love my dogs," Blanch says. "But when they're in heat, you can't keep them inside because it's messy. And you can't keep them outside, because when they get in that way they'll chew through any fence to get out."

That’s true. We all know that when a dog “gets in that way” that there’s no stopping them. If there’s another dog, an owner’s leg, or just about anything else around, it’s most likely getting humped.

I know what you’re thinking… “Can I get one for my cat…or maybe my teenage daughter?”

Presently, the product is only available for dogs, but Blanch says he was contacted by a man in Turkey who wants to know if he can develop a chastity belt for camels.

A camel with no humps seems wrong to me.

Personally I think Blanch should team up with the folks at Protektorvest. Are you really satisfied with simply keeping your pooch virginal? I know I’d feel a lot better if the other dog owners in the neighborhood knew two things about me: I love Brazil, and my cute little female pug is not getting “stabbed”.

http://www.pabsforpets.com/


JESUS CHRIST, WHAT COULD BE A BETTER IDEA THAN A CHASTITY BELT FOR DOGS?
My hope is that after reading this edition of “The Spoon” that you will be far less likely to get unfashionably stabbed at a South African sporting event or have your darling little purebred dog boned by a neighbor’s mutt. But what good is keeping your canine pure if the Rapture comes and you’re forced to just leave them behind on earth to face Satan’s wrath?

According to the site http://www.raptureready.com/, and its founder Todd Strandberg, Rapture prophecy posits that Jesus Christ will return to Earth to gather his disciples for eternal life in God's kingdom, while leaving behind those who have not met a standard of piety to face the rule of Satan.

"Pets don't have souls, so they'll remain on Earth. I don't see how they can be taken with you." Strandberg says.

Damn it. Once Jesus comes back to “save” my neighbors, who is going to keep their dog from humping around or taking a crap on my lawn? It seems morally wrong for anyone who believes in the Rapture to own a pet doesn’t it? Not so fast.
According to AOL News, 61-year-old Bart Centre has come up with a plan to look after those domestic animals not scooped up in the heavenly exodus. In July, he started Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, a pet-sitting service to care for those critters. (http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com/)

"Each Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you have received your reward," the company's Web site promises. "Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus."

The terms behind the pet sitting are pretty simple. For an up-front fee of $110, Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, which claims to have animal rescuers in 22 states, guarantees that it will take care of one pet in the event that the Rapture occurs within 10 years of payment. Each additional pet costs $15, and a 25 percent discount is offered when customers sign up again after the first term of coverage expires.

So far, more than 100 people have signed up for the service. Centre says he splits the proceeds evenly among the company's all-atheist employees. "They have to be ready," he told AOL News. "We commit to reaching a person's pet within 18 to 24 hours after the Rapture."

Luckily I don’t need to shell out $110 for this service as (according to Protestants) I’ll be left here on Earth to toil in eternal hell-fire and brimstone instead of rocking out at the pearly gates with JC. But for all of you readers that are heaven bound, I hope this makes it a little easier to know that your soulless pet will be cared for be one of the sinners left behind.

GOT A RAGING HARD-ON FOR ENERGY DRINKS?
A man has sued the maker of the health drink “Boost Plus,” claiming the vitamin-enriched beverage gave him an erection that would not subside and caused him to be hospitalized.

That’s embarrassing. What can the doctor do for that?
“Take two hours of masturbation and call me in the morning. Oh, and spend 10-15 minutes looking at naked pictures of your own mother. If that doesn’t help, I recommend just cutting the thing off.”

Novartis' Boost Plus Web site describes the drink as "a great tasting, high calorie, nutritionally complete oral supplement for people who require extra energy and protein in a limited volume".

It comes in four varieties: vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, and boner.

PARTING IS SUCH SWEET SORROW
It’s that time again folks. As much as I hate to bid you a fond farewell until next month, I have no choice. I’d like to thank you for taking time to read February’s post and share with you my new photography web-site at http://www.djacobmillerphotography.wordpress.com/
You might also notice the DONATE button located on the left hand side by the archives or at the very bottom of this screen. As I look to expand this site, any amount that you could contribute would help greatly and I will be eternally grateful. Lastly, please share the link to Spoon, Full of Truth with a few people today. We all know that sharing means caring. Until next time Spoonies…

4th SPOONAVERSARY!

MY FIRST TERM AS PRESIDENT OF TRUTHVILLE

2010. I never imagined that when I started the Spoon, Full of Truth back in December of 2005 that it would still be in existence today. There are two people (one is actually a group) I’d like to thank for making this possible. The first person I’d like to thank is me. Way to go David. You’ve done a great job over the past several years. Keep it up. The second “thank you” goes out to all of my friends, family, and readers for their support over the past four years. This site started out with just a small handful of readers and if it wasn’t for you it couldn’t have grown (and continue to grow) into the popular site it is today. In this post, I thought I’d take a look back over the past few years so we can all see what was going on around this time each year since the inception of the Spoon. I will start with current events, and we can work our way back.

2009-2010:

JEW ARE WE? WHERE DID WE COME FROM?
Religion is a slippery slope (and not just in winter time). A fundamental aspect of several religions is that you are born a member of the religion by blood and not by determinations and actions you make later in your life. In Judaism if your mother is not a natural born Jew (converting often times is not recognized) then you are not considered to be Jewish by some members of the religion.
In a landmark decision by Britain's Supreme Court several weeks ago it was ruled that it is illegal for a state-funded Jewish school to base its admissions policy on whether or not the applicant's mother was Jewish.
Britain’s government, which has no separation of Church and State laws, funds a certain number of "faith schools" (Church of England, Roman Catholic, Muslim, Jewish, etc.). These schools are allowed to give priority to applicants who share the faith of the school. In the recent Supreme Court decision (5-4 in favor of the boy’s parents whose son was denied acceptance to the school) it was basically determined that the Jewish religion is not allowed to set the parameters on whom it considers to be a Jew. From now on, children who apply to one of the U.K.'s 50 Jewish schools will now have to take religious practice tests to ensure the schools are not discriminating against children on ethnic grounds. This means that a written test will now determine whether the child is “Jewish”. This seems a little crazy to me. It makes me happy that I live in a country where (although the line is becoming more and more blurred) there is a separation of Church and State and the court system cannot tell any recognized religious group that the base system of their beliefs is not permitted.

RANDOM THOUGHTS
*The FAA has finally ruled that airline passengers cannot be held on delayed flights indefinitely. Under the new regulations, airlines operating domestic flights will only be able to keep passengers on board for three hours before they must be allowed to disembark a delayed flight. It is about time.

*Play-pens are for babies. Penitentiaries are evidently for U.S. soldiers that get pregnant with babies. For U.S. soldiers serving in Iraq, getting pregnant is now a punishable offense (court marshal or jail time). The rule applies to anyone who becomes pregnant or impregnates another service member, even if they are married. It makes me think of that old military song that goes something like this:
“This is my weapon, this is my gun, this one’s for shooting and this one’s for fun…”
Sorry soldier…looks like it doesn’t matter which one you choose to shoot that special lady with, you could wind up in jail either way. Better make sure the safety cap is on.

*Voters on the 2010 Census report can identify themselves as “Black, African-American, or Negro”. I understand that many older African Americans might still identify themselves this way, but it seems pretty outdated to me. I’m sure a lot of other racist terms were used for immigrants who came to this country decades ago and they don’t appear anywhere on the U.S. Census. I can't think of a single person I know who would identify as being "Negro". This struck me as odd so I at least wanted to give it a quick mention.

*I attended the 2010 Winter Classic (Flyers vs. Bruins) outdoors at Fenway Park in Boston on New Year’s Day and even though Ice Hockey isn’t my favorite sport (I do enjoy it) there was still something magical about getting to attend an outdoor hockey game. It was a once in a life-time experience I will never forgot. Too bad the referees jobbed the Flyers. I guess “Too Many Men on the Ice” is only a penalty when it happens indoors.

2008:

IT’S ENTIRELY POSSIBLE THAT THIS IS THE BEST ARTICLE EVER WRITTEN
On a recent trip to the News Museum (Newseum) in Washington, DC, I had the chance to read headlines from newspapers all around the world. Although I can’t recall the title of the publication, one headline (from a newspaper in the U.S.) stuck in my head. Is it the worst headline I’ve ever seen? It’s right up there. The headline read:
“Will The Economy Rebound in 2009? Maybe.”
Maybe?!? The first job of a headline is to grab your attention and drag the reader in. From the headline alone I know I’m not going to get any definitive information out of the story. Why keep reading? It led me to consider writing personalized headline greeting cards to people I don’t really like. Here are a few ideas I had:

“Extra! Extra! Is Your Girl Friend Cheating On You? Maybe.”
“You Are Potentially the Ugliest One in Your Family”
“Something Sure Smells Bad. It’s Probably You”
“Your Parents Say You Weren’t A Mistake. Are They Lying? Maybe.”

I could scrap the whole greeting card idea and go to work for a major paper armed with my new journalistic tools instead. The articles would practically write themselves.

“Man Shot by Police in Liquor Store Hold up Was Probably Guilty”
“Could You Be Saving Money on Your Bills? I Guess So.”
“Iraq Might Still Have Weapons of Mass Destruction, Somewhere.”
“Gas Prices Drop, But They Could Go Back Up”
“Will Your Child Turn Into a Gremlin If You Feed Them After Midnight? I Dare You To Try It.”

Come on journalists! We have a reputation to uphold. If you think the economy will rebound, state your case for it. If you think it will continue to decline then present your evidence to that end. Otherwise, should readers bother reading your articles? Most definitely not!

STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES, BUT LET’S STILL PLAY WITH THEM

There were three inductees into the Toy Hall of Fame in Rochester, N.Y this past weekend: the skateboard, the baby doll, and…a stick? That’s right, a plain old stick. The stick (along with its’ two fellow inductees) joined 38 other toys in the Hall of Fame. Unlike many toys that run on batteries, the stick is 100% imagination operated. What are the criteria for induction? Longevity is a key criterion for getting into the hall, which the museum acquired in 2002 from A.C. Gilbert's Discovery Village in Salem, Oregon. Each toy must not only be widely recognized and foster learning, creativity or discovery through play, but also endure in popularity over generations. The stick joins the cardboard box (a 2005 inductee) as an object that has captured generations of imaginative children (and animals). Many animals (especially dogs) also play endlessly with sticks. I went to an elementary school that was located on sixteen acres in the woods and we played with sticks constantly (the only rule being, no sticks longer than your arm were to be played with…safety first)."It's very open-ended, all-natural, the perfect price [free], there aren't any rules or instructions for its use," said Christopher Bensch, the museum's curator of collections. "It can be a Wild West horse, a medieval knight's sword, a boat on a stream or a slingshot with a rubber band. ...No snowman is complete without a couple of stick arms, and every campfire needs a stick for toasting marshmallows.” Other toys on display in the museum include the bicycle, the kite, Mr. Potato Head, Crayola crayons, marbles, and the Atari 2600 video game system. Parents, if you’re looking to make ends meet this holiday season, why not just break a branch off the old Christmas tree, remove the needles, and wrap it up. When your child opens the gift and says, “What is this, a stick?”You can reply, “No, it’s whatever you want it to be”.

2007:

FAMILY PAVES THE WAY FOR THE WORST ENGLISH MARRIAGE SINCE EGGS, BEANS, AND STEWED TOMATOS CAME TOGETHER TO FORM “BREAKFAST”
I’ve heard many strange “separated at birth” stories before, but this one takes the (wedding) cake. Last Friday in London, it was announced that twins who were separated at birth got married without realizing they were brother and sister. This news was according to a lawmaker who urged that more information be provided on birth certificates for adopted children. A court quickly annulled the British couple's union after they discovered their true relationship, Lord David Alton said.
"Everyone has a right to knowledge about their lineage, genealogy and identity. And if they don't, then it will lead to cases of incest," Alton told The Associated Press during a telephone interview Friday. I would agree with Alton on several of his points but I’m not sure how often it would really lead to incest. I think in most cases of incest (back me up here West Virginia) people are fully aware that they are related to their partner and simply don’t care. Jerry Lee Lewis all but ended his career to wed his thirteen year old second cousin. Even the knowledge of incest couldn’t extinguish the desire burning in his great balls of fire. According to Alton, "They (the English couple) were never told that they were twins. They met later in life and felt an inevitable attraction, and the judge had to deal with the consequences of the marriage that they entered into and all the issues of their separation." Divorce is hard enough. Imagine finding out that the person you were in love with (and had been intimate with) was actually your sibling! What feelings would that bring up? Would you be able to just turn off the romantic love that you had build over time? Under British law, only a mother has to be named on a birth certificate. These certificates are not required to identify births that result from in vitro fertilization or to identify the sperm donor. That means that the same donor egg and sperm could be used by a surrogate mother to deliver twins without any information later available to the resulting children.

RANDOM THOUGHTS
**Eventually just by default I think we’ll have an STD that only has good symptoms. For example, if a woman contracts Watermelonitis her vagina would then smell and taste like watermelon. Come on science! If Ronald Reagan can make Ketchup a vegetable then we should have fruit-flavored vaginas by 2010 at the latest.

**Some friends of mine came over last night and my one friend had recently gotten a nose job. She was commenting on an artsy menorah that I have sitting out (we are both Jewish by birth) and it struck me that a nose job is kind of like the Jewish circumcision for girls. Not that every Jewish girl needs a nose-job by any means but you all know what I’m talking about.

**My trip in November to Brazil with my brother was the best time I’ve ever had. I had never been to South America before and found the culture, landscape, food, night-life, and women irresistible. It was also the most time I’ve gotten to spend with my brosef in a long time and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I’ll post a few stories and photos in my next post.

**Where’s Waldo? I feel like no one’s seen him in a while.

**Thank you Evian for informing me on your label that zero calories are zero percent of my daily value of calories. If you’re not smart enough to figure that out on your own you can probably just drink out of a garden hose or something.

2006:

WRAP IT UP THIS HOLIDAY SEASON
I am the world’s worst gift wrapper. As I spent almost an hour trying to wrap presents Tuesday night (ripping the paper, losing the tape, cutting the wrong size piece and not realizing it until the final fold) I started to wish there was just a product you could spray onto the gift that would form a dry coating that and then could be peeled off. This would make my life much easier. While this technology might not be available for Christmas gifts, it will soon be ready for penises. Unlike with holiday presents, wrapping up your penis can prevent the transfer of unwanted gifts (babies, HIV, and the gift that keeps on giving, herpes). By 2008 a German company will begin selling the world’s first spray on condom. The idea is simple, you stick your penis into the little device and it sprays on a condom layer that fits perfectly. How durable will this protection layer be? How long will it last? How do you remove it? All good questions, but none of this information is available yet. It also isn’t clear how small the device will be. Personally, I’m not sure how I feel about sticking my penis into a device that’s going to spray some coating onto it. I know there are some guys out there who would stick their penis into just about anything (or sadly, anyone) but I feel like I have to take a stand here. Being in a committed relationship I don’t have much use for condoms anyway, maybe I would feel differently if I did. This device seems like it would offer a much more snuggly fitting condom and as our male friends in India can attest to, when it comes to condoms, one size does not fit all.

RANDOM THOUGHTS
*It’s impossible for a guy to look cool while drinking out of a straw. If you don’t believe me fellas, grab a drink, a straw, and a mirror, and find out for yourself. I know a few ladies on the other hand that can make sipping through a straw look pretty sexy.

*It takes 827 licks to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop (hey, what do you want from me? I was a fat kid with a lot of time on my hands).

*You know those Gatorade ads where the athletes sweat in bright neon colors? Then their slogan flashes, “Gatorade. Is it in you?” If it’s going to make my sweat bright blue or purple, I don’t want it in me.

*I’ve saved about $450 in haircuts since I started cutting my own hair. I’ve also gotten many more compliments on the faux-hawk than I did on other haircuts.

*Nothing beats a Bud? In what competition, worst beer imaginable?

*It’s been said that guys who drive big expensive, flashy cars are over compensating for a small penis. Not only do I not have any car at all, I don’t even have a bike. I walk everywhere. Draw your own conclusions.

*I have a male friend who lactates. I discovered this at a wedding when he decided to amuse guests by milking himself. I hardly liked milk when I thought it only came from cows and women. I like it even less now.

*If gummy bears ever came to life and could fart, I bet it would smell really good.

*Do you think that if I left pot-brownies for Santa, he’d put me on the naughty list?

*It looks like Dick Cheney’s daughter might be pregnant. You know the child was conceived out of wedlock. I guess Dick and his Christian buddies will have to take her hunting.

*They need to bring back the peanut doughnut.

2005:

BREAKIN THE LAW, BREAKIN THE LAW
A few months ago I was in the car on the way to Willow Grove (an area in the suburbs of Philadelphia). I was passing through the town of Glenside, driving down a large hill with a light at the bottom. As I neared the light, it turned yellow and I proceeded through it, as one does with a yellow light (well everyone except my mother who would come to a screeching halt). Within a few seconds a cop pulled out behind me, threw his lights on, and pulled me over. Now I'm sure there wasn't something more pressing for this officer to be doing at the moment, like say, preventing a crime, but he thought it was necessary to pull me over so I obliged. I still had no idea why he had pulled me over when he approached the car. He asked for my license and registration, both of which I provided. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" The officer asked. Sure I knew why he pulled me over. He had a raging hard-on for exerting power. Chances are he took his copy of my ticket home that night and jerked off to it. "I have no idea officer," I calmly replied. "No idea?" he inquired. Uh, did I stutter? You asked me, I said I had no idea, was that unclear? "No idea," I reiterated. Obviously he was confused, had I used a big word by mistake? He looked at me over the top of his bad-ass police issued sunglasses. "Have you ever heard of a red light before?" Look asshole, I just handed you my license, I've been driving for 11 years and have never received a ticket before. Do you think I've heard of a red light? Have you heard of a fucking doughnut? "Yes I've heard of a red light before," I informed Sergeant Obvious. "Well you just ran one," he countered. Was he trying to use the jedi mind trick on me? The force was strong with this one. I wasn't buying it. I kindly informed him that, contrary to his belief, I had not run the red light. He once again informed me that I had. This went back and forth for a few minutes at which point he returned to his car for several minutes, and then returned to mine, ticket in hand. I was informed that I was being issued a ticket for running a red light (I mean he'd been gone several minutes, obviously in his mind that was enough time for me to totally forget why I had been pulled over) and told me I was free to go. Surprised that someone with his mental capacity could ever write out a ticket, I took a minute to look it over. I had indeed been charged 30$ for running a red-light, another 25$ for the Glenside firefighters' widow's fund, another 25$ I decided to fight the ticket. I won.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
The FCC (created to protect free speech) is trying to prohibit the use of the word “fuck” on HBO now. Thank you religious zealots! Not only can they not say fuck on network TV, or cable TV, but now they want to block it from premium TV too? How much do I have to pay to be allowed to hear someone say FUCK? Fuck! What all these morons forget is (and listen up so you don't miss this) Television and Radio both come with an off switch!! That's right people, if they are going to say FUCK on TV and you don't want to hear it, you're allowed to turn your TV off. But please, stop trying to keep it off of my TV because I don't fucking care how many fucking times they wanna fucking say fuck. OK? Thank you.

01/06/10:

FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!
I enjoyed taking a look at a few current events as well as a look back at the past several years (during December and January) and I hope you all did too. As the Spoon moves into the fifth year I am planning big things! These include “Spoon, Full of Truth” sponsored events, merchandise, advertising, and expanded sections to showcase my artwork and comedy. In order to make these dreams a reality, I have added a “DONATE” button that can be found at the very bottom of the page (and also on the left hand side at the bottom of the archives). If you could find it in your heart to make a donation in any amount (I know times are tough) it would help usher in a new era of truth here at the Spoon. Please continue to share this site with as many people as you can. It's the responsible thing to do. I wish you all a very happy New Year, filled with hope, health, wealth, happiness, and above all, truth. See you soon, and Thank You, straight from the Spoon!

POST THANKSGIVING THOUGHTS AND LEFT-OVERS

LET’S CYBER
Today is Cyber Monday which is retailers’ online version of Black Friday. Why does the holiday shopping season take an extra three days to kick off online? Because many people who have internet at their job do not have access at home. That means that work productivity should be very low today as people sit at their desks, pretending to look busy, and shop for the best online deals. If you want to join in you can go to: http://www.cybermonday.com/... just remember to keep an eye out for your boss.




STATE (DINNER) OF SECURITY
It looks like the fallout will begin today as members of the House demand answers to how Michaele and Tareq Salahi were able to gain access to the state dinner at the White House this past Thursday. The couple, who were uninvited, somehow made it through Secret Service check points even though their names did not appear on the guest list. They were photographed speaking with President Obama as well as the Prime Minister of India. The couple is now trying to parlay their infamous party-crash into paid interviews on several networks as well as a reality series. Can you imagine this taking place during the Bush years? Could you imagine if two African Americans tried to crash one of Dubya’s state dinners? They would have been called terrorists and shipped off to Gitmo before the first course. The fact that these two media-whores were able to get access to the President leads me to believe that many Secret Service agents will be looking for a new job come 2010. Criminal charges may also be brought against the Salahis.

THE PIG THAT STOLE CHRISTMAS
With the flu and swine flu running rampant through the U.S., Santa might be carrying more than a sack of presents this holiday season. If you allow your kid to sit on Santa’s lap at the local mall in the coming weeks, you might want to tell them to add a few things to their holiday wish list.
“Okay honey, just remember that in addition to your electronic hamster and Nintendo Wii that you tell Santa that you want a jumbo bottle of Purel and some H1N1 vaccine, wear these rubber gloves, and try not to let him breath on you…”
It is estimated that the flu bug can live for up to eight hours on Old St. Nick’s suit so if you see one of the boys or girls ahead of you in line sneezing on Santa, you might want to wait until he’s had a wardrobe change and send your kid over to pet Rudolph instead.



HOT JESUS
He’s baaaaack.
“Hi, I’m Jesus Christ. You may remember me from my past appearances on toast in South Carolina, a truck in Tennessee, and even on that dog’s ass in Los Angeles (http://www.getbehindjesus.net/). This holiday season please come witness my spender as I travel to Metheun, Massachusetts for a limited engagement on Mary Jo Coady’s steam iron. Nothing gets those tough wrinkles out of your favorite pleated slacks like some good old fashioned Christ love.”
I get it; times are tough and people will see what they want to see. For this woman who was recently separated from her husband and had her work hours cut, she needed a sign that thing would be okay…and she found one…on the bottom of her iron (according to the AP, she now intends to keep the holy iron in a closet and will purchase a new one). Mrs. Coady’s two college aged daughters agreed that the image resembles that of their lord and savior and is proof that “he’s listening”.
Dear Jesus, if you’re out there, and can hear me…please give me a sign…your likeness, on the brown residue on the underside of my iron for all to see and bear witness to, is all that I ask for.




BEERLY AFFORDABLE
What do you get for the beer drinker who has everything? Thanks to Jim Koch, founder and owner of Boston Beer Co. (which produces Sam Adams) you can now buy them a bottle of the world’s strongest beer, Utopias. Banned in thirteen states because it exceeds the legal alcohol content for beer, Utopias weighs in at an unheard of 27 percent alcohol by volume (about five times higher than your average beer). This wonder beer, which is anything but simple to produce, will have a limited release of 10,000 bottles. You can forget about picking up a case for your holiday party. Each bottle, made to look like a tiny copper and ceramic brew kettle, will set you back $150.

SPORTS IN SHORT
-The Yankees won a 27th World Championship beating my Philadelphia Phillies 4-2. Money might not be able to buy love, but it can buy World Series rings.
-The New Jersey Nets are tied for the worst start in NBA history opening their season with 17 straight losses.
-The BCS bowl games will be announced this coming Sunday and the Subdivision playoffs kicked off this past weekend with all four CAA teams winning.
-The Big East is hands down the best conference in Men’s College Basketball. You can check out my Villanova articles at www.bleacherreport.com/villanova-basketball
-The Philadelphia 76ers are actually considering bringing back Allen Iverson. Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
-According to the AP, Notre Dame has fired Coach Charlie Weis after five seasons.
-Philadelphia could potentially host a World Cup game in 2018/2022.







ARTSY DECEMBER TO REMEMBER
There is lots of exciting stuff going on for me this December. For the third year in a row I will have art work on display in Philadelphia City Hall. You can check out the exhibit of the National Arts Program starting December 17th 2009. It runs until February 19th, 2010.
My photos and paintings will be available for sale the weekend of December 12th and 13th at the Mt. Airy Art Garage (http://www.mtairyartgarage.org/) where I will be displaying my work at a juried weekend market for fine art. It runs from 10-6 both days.
Finally, two of my photographs will be auctioned off December 19th to benefit “Toys For Tots” at a uslounges.com charity event being held at Vango Lounge & Skybar. It’s a great cause I encourage all of you in the area to attend (see flier below).



NEVER TOO OLD TO BE SPOON FED
Next month the Spoon, Full of Truth will celebrate four years of bringing you news and information in a way no other publication does. Please check back in December for a look ahead to next year and a look back at some of my favorite stories from the past four years. Forwarding the Spoon to your friends and family is a great way to make them feel warm and loved this holiday season. We all know that sharing means caring. Speaking of sharing, as I look to expand the Spoon in the coming year I will be accepting donations from readers to help in my cause (advertising, sponsorship of events, etc). If you can make a donation in any amount it would be greatly appreciated and you can use the "donate" Pay Pal button located on the left side of the page below the archives or at the very bottom of the page under all of the posts. Thank you in advance! You keep reading 'em, I'll keep writing 'em. Check back soon, to get more truth, straight from the Spoon!

HALLOWEEN HEALTH CARE SCARE

HEALTH CARE AND THE PUBLIC OPT-OUT-TION
As we often do in America, we’ve waited for months and months to get some definitive news from Washington and it seems like that time has finally come…sort of. The new proposed “universal” health care plan would include a public option, but individual states would be able to opt out of accepting it. A public option means that a government-run insurance alternative will be offered as an alternative to private insurance. States that choose to opt out will keep their health care markets completely privatized. A government alternative would allow for volume bases discounts for health insurance because the insurance companies would always have competition. This does not make the insurance companies happy. Meanwhile, it is giving liberals reason to celebrate.
An “opt out” clause is a victory for the people. Past studies have proven that if people (and government officials) have to opt in, they become lazy and often take no action. This also holds true for opting out. If the bill had included a public option but required states to opt in to include the public option, it is very likely that far fewer states would have wound up with a public option versus the way the bill was presented now (with an opt out clause). It is always more likely that a state will choose not to act. In this case, choosing not to act (opting out) would mean a public option and benefits the people who live there. Well played Harry Reid.
The real interesting part comes now. What will individual states do? If a state government chooses to opt out of the public option what message will they be sending to the residents of that state? How will politicians from the red states balance their loyalty towards the insurance company lobbyists that helped get them elected with their responsibility to properly represent their constituents? In conservative states like Texas, Arizona, and Louisiana it is feasible that government officials that want to separate themselves from Obama and liberal Washington would choose to opt out (despite the fact that their states have some of the highest rates of uninsured Americans in the country). All it takes is a few ambitious politicians who want to pad their war chests with insurance lobbyist money to turn things bad for an entire state. Imagine the fall out from a state opting out of a public option and hundreds of thousands of people being forced to move to a state where the elected officials are actual thinking of helping others and not themselves. This would come into play for businesses as well. If a small or large business can get much cheaper rates for their employees in a state with the public option, why would they ever stay in a state without it?
There will also be a great social experiment taking place through all of this health care reform. What will every day Americans accept from their elected officials. If a state chooses to opt out of the public option will the residents become so enraged that they rally to oust those officials from office at the next election, or will they continue to maintain the status quo of allowing politicians to make decisions that benefit themselves and the lobbies they represent while harming those that voted for them? Only time will tell. It may be a bit of a bumpy ride, but I think the train is finally headed in the right direction.

LOVE HANDLE EFFECTS

Medications prescribed to children and teens to treat symptoms of bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, autism, attention deficit disorders, and other behavior problems are weighing heavily on those who take them, literally. According to the Associated Press, a recent study conducted by the North Shore-Long Island Jewish Health System (in Glen Oaks, N.Y.) of 205 New York City-area children (from 4 to 19 years old) who had recently been prescribed one of four drugs (Abilify, Risperdal, Seroquel and Zyprexa) found that depending on which of four study drugs children used, they gained between about 10 and 20 pounds on average in just 11 weeks; from 10 percent to 36 percent of the children became obese.
"Sometimes this stuff just happens like an explosion. You can actually see them grow between appointments," said Dr. Christopher Varley, a psychiatrist with Seattle Children's Hospital who called the study "sobering."
Unless you find overweight children intoxicating, I don’t see how you could disagree.
This raises quite a large problem, and an even larger problem child.
Because these drugs can reduce severe psychiatric symptoms in troubled children, "We're a little bit between a rock and a hard place," said lead author of the study Dr. Christoph Correll.
What is worse; a child who can’t pay attention in class or a kid whose classmates pay too much attention to the weight he’s gaining? What’s more damaging for a child, violent mood swings or violent shifts in his physical appearance?
With over 2 million children using these four drugs in our country annually, it is important to understand what is going on here.
The exact reason that these drugs cause weight gain is uncertain but there's some evidence that they increase appetite and they may affect how the body metabolizes sugar, according to Jeff Bishop, a psychiatric pharmacist at the University of Illinois at Chicago. The drugs also can have a sedation effect that can make users less active.
As if kids suffering from these conditions and their parents didn’t have enough to worry about already without adding rapid weight gain to the mix. Step up science! How about a side effect that makes kids better at math or more agile on the basketball court? Let me guess…fat chance.

SMOKING WON’T LAND YOU IN THE JOINT; DOCTORS ORDERS
Patients prescribed marijuana for medical purposes and their licensed suppliers "will not be a priority" of federal prosecutors in states that have legalized the practice, the Justice Department said recently.
That means if you’ve got headaches (or another approved condition) and your doctor gives you the “green” light, go ahead and spark up that bong…the feds won’t be knocking down your door anytime soon.
According to NPR, a three-page memo was released from the Justice Department. Prosecutors "should not focus federal resources in your states on individuals whose actions are in clear and unambiguous compliance with existing state laws providing for the medical use of marijuana," the memo said.
The memo was sent to federal prosecutors in 14 states that allow at least limited use of medically sanctioned marijuana and to top officials at the FBI and Drug Enforcement Administration.
The memo did urge prosecutors to pursue marijuana cases that involve violence, the illegal use of firearms, selling to minors, money-laundering or involvement in other crimes.
The change in policy is a shift from the Bush administration, when prosecutors arrested medical marijuana distributors in California even though some of them were operating legally under state law.
(Score Card:
Bush’s war on Marijuana…the winner: Marijuana
Bush’s war in Iraq…the winner: Islamic militant groups
Bush’s war on terror…the winner: no winner possible.)
California's laws are the most permissive. Thirteen other states allow some use of marijuana for medical purposes: Alaska, Colorado, Hawaii, Maine, Maryland, Michigan, Montana, Nevada, New Mexico, Oregon, Rhode Island, Vermont and Washington.
We all know that Bush wanted to expand executive power to allow him to run the country like a king, but could it be that the United States of America, which was founded on the power of the states to govern is actually headed back in that direction under Obama? States will now have the right to make medical marijuana decisions on their own, they will soon be allowed to make the decision about a public option for health insurance on their own, and many have already adopted policies on gay marriage and civil unions. While many states have next to nothing in common with one another, it looks like we may still indeed be the United States of America; united by the freedom each state has to make its own decisions and policies.

PHILADELPHIA > NEW YORK
The Phillies are the defending World Champions of baseball. In the NLDS we rocked Denver. In the NLCS, we put another Loss in Los Angeles. Now, on the eve of the World Series, New York actually thinks they have a shot. This week in the New York Post, an article said of Philadelphia, “their fans are second rate, and so is their city”. A picture of Shane Victorino in skirt was published along with it and they called our team “The Frillies”. I wonder how many hours their top-notch writers took to come up with that horribly uncreative nickname. If it was more than thirty seconds, that’s just weak sauce.
Here are a few things to consider...
*The house that Ruth built is no more. The Yankees are now attempting to win with pitchers like Andy Pettitte and hitters like A-Rod. Yankee Stadium is now officially the “house that roids built”.
*The Phillies all-star center fielder, the one that New York decided to picture in a skirt and laugh about, owns C.C. Sabathia. The Brewers thought they could beat us last season by buying Sabathia and Victorino hit a grand slam off of him. Result: Brewers lost.
*The Yankees will lose their number five hitter Hideki Matsui for the games in Philadelphia because there is no D.H. and he is too broken down to play in the field. They will also lose catcher Jorge Posada for any games in which prima donna A.J. Burnett pitches because he’s sensitive and he needs his own personal catcher. The Phillies eighth hitter Carlos “Choochtober” Ruiz is batting over .400. Our line-up is the best in baseball without a D.H. When we get to bat for our pitchers too, look out, we’re going to bomb the Bronx.
*Philadelphia has the Eagles. Any first rate city has a football team. New York has none. They simply claim both of New Jersey’s football teams as their own. Any city from another state that tries to claim part of Jersey as being theirs is low enough to look up at “second rate” cities (surprisingly, with how pathetic the Knicks are, New York doesn’t try to claim the Nets who play right next door to the Giants and Jets).
*The Yankees may have more World Championships than the Phillies in total, but this is a “what have you done for me lately” sports world, and when was the last time they won a title let alone New York City won anything in any sport? (Remember, the Giants play in New Jersey).
*On Saturday, Phillies fans will get a treat while Yankees fans will realize they are all a bunch of tricks.
*New York can call us a second rate city with second rate fans all they want because they’ll be the city with a second place parade for their second place rings.
*The Philadelphia Phillies will repeat. New York can Yank These.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN
I hope everyone has a happy (and safe) Halloween this year. Pass the Spoon around to your friends and co-workers. It’s a great treat that’s sure not to rot your teeth. Feel free as always to leave comments and share your thoughts and feelings on the topics above. Yes, even Yankees fans have the right to voice their wrong opinions. Thanks for reading and check back soon, to get your truth right from The Spoon.

THIS TRUTH IS ON FIRE

REMEMBERING THE HAVARDCAUST

Recently named for the second straight year as the No. 1 School in U.S. News & World Report rankings of American colleges, Harvard is known for its rigorous scholarly standards and prestigious reputation.

On Tuesday, however, The Harvard Crimson, in what it said was an error, ran an advertisement questioning the legitimacy of the Holocaust. The ad, paid for by Holocaust denier Bradley R. Smith and his Committee for Open Debate on the Holocaust, was said to have been rejected by the paper over the summer.

According to CNN, Crimson President Maxwell L. Child, in response to the commotion created by the ad, released a statement Wednesday citing three weeks of summer vacation between the submission of the advertisement and the publication of the paper as the explanation for why the ad "fell through the cracks."

That’s the best that Maxwell Child could come up with? Three weeks of summer vacation? Oh I’m sorry that I didn’t pay my taxes this year I.R.S., I was just on spring break for three weeks and I guess they just “fell through the cracks”.

It gets better. "We want to stress that we do not endorse the views put forth in any advertisement that runs in The Crimson, and this case was no different," Child said in a letter to Crimson readers. "We will work hard to avoid such lapses in communication in the future, and hope our readers will accept that yesterday's error was a logistical failure and not a philosophical one."

They don’t endorse the ads but they might want to be a little more careful about what slips through the cracks. If I were Yale or Brown, I’d be sending in my “Harvard Sucks!” advertisements into the Crimson right after winter vacation. The Crimson won’t endorse the message, but maybe they’ll run it anyway. Today’s anniversary would be the perfect time for Osama Bin Laden to send in his ad questioning whether 9/11 really happened.

I’m not the only skeptic. Robert Trestan, civil rights counsel for the Anti-Defamation League of New England, said Bradley R. Smith and his hate organization have placed ads in approximately fifteen college papers around the country so far this year. He said he finds it shocking that such an advertisement would fall through the cracks, as Child said it did.

Not only did the ad run on Tuesday, but Child has said in his statement that they intend to return the money from the pulled advertisement! Really?! That’s your move? I say donate it to a group that educates people on the horrors of the holocaust. If you return it, they’ll just use it to run more hate ads in other papers.

It is widely accepted that approximately 5.7 million of Europe's 7.3 million Jews perished during the World War 2. In total, historians say, between 11 million and 17 million people were killed by the Nazi regime, including religious and political opponents, ethnic Poles, Romani, Jehovah's Witnesses, Soviet civilians and prisoners of war, homosexuals and people with disabilities.

Yet people today still question the validity of the Holocaust? Is Smith’s next move to run ads suggesting that the Earth really is flat and that the moon is made of cheese?

You’d think the first ranked school in the nation would have heard of proof reading. Sometimes it’s not enough to just run grammar and spell checker; there is obviously a need for “moronic hate theories” checker as well.


HOUSE FIRE
According to comments made by Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC) on the floor of the House of Representatives on Wednesday, President Obama's pants are on fire. Obama quickly denied the flaming allegations.

Wilson’s outburst of “You lie!” came during President Obama’s address to the House on health care reform. It was in response to a comment by the President that said extending health care to all Americans who seek it would not mean insuring illegal immigrants.

This kind of behavior does not take place on the House floor. Then again, we have never had a black president before.

The AP reports that Wilson's official biography lists him as a member of the Sons of Confederate Veterans. As a state senator, he voted against a bill to remove the Confederate flag from atop the South Carolina Statehouse and move it to a monument on the capitol grounds.

"I'm proud of it and I don't want it to be made fun of or put down by people who don't understand Southern heritage," he said during months of debate on the issue in 2000.

Southern heritage is also known as racism. The main sticking point between the Union and the Confederacy during the Civil War was whether or not slavery should continue. The southern states wanted to keep slavery (many still do) and the northern ones felt it was wrong. The Confederate flag stands for slavery.

But please don’t put down or make fun of Joe Wilson. You just don’t understand.

Personally I’d like to send Joe Wilson and Bradley R. Smith off to a remote island where they can sit around on the beach and masturbate to the Confederate and Nazi flags. Although they might get into a scuffle over whether the best way to deal with black people is to kill them or enslave them. If only Michael Vick had the forethought to fight and kill idiots and not dogs, it would have solved so many problems. Glenn Beck vs. Bill O’Reilly makes a great main event.

Do you smell that? It’s not Obama’s pants burning; that’s the smell of Democrats to the rescue! And they don’t think that Wilson’s private apology to the President is sufficient.

Brendan Daly, a spokesman for House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, said today that party leaders have decided they will likely move forward with a resolution of disapproval against Wilson if he doesn't apologize to Congress.

I have two thoughts for the Democrats.
1) Great idea! Another distraction from passing decent health care legislation is just what this country needs! Can the liberals get a little help from Ken Starr?
2) A resolution of disapproval sounds like a stellar idea! Why don’t you just call his mother and tell on him? I can just picture her standing next to her son on the House floor, “Now Joey, you tell the Representatives that you’re sorry.”
Even better, why don’t you just give him a five minute “time-out” in the corner (on the liberal side of the aisle)?

Can you imagine what would have happened if a Democrat cried out “You lie!” at George Bush during one of his addresses on weapons of mass destruction? I doubt they would have “likely moved forward” on a resolution of disapproval. It’s more likely they would have sent him straight to Guantanamo and executed him for treason under Patriot Act (or at least sent him on a mandatory “proper conduct” hunting retreat with Dick Cheney).

President Obama, why don’t you just prove to all of us that Joe Wilson is full of it and that you aren’t a liar? I have two words for you: public option.

T.G.I.F.
The Steelers beat the Titans with an overtime field goal in Thursday night’s NFL kick off game. I just had one thought when I woke up this morning, T.G.I.F; Thank God it’s Football. I love baseball, especially now that my Phillies are the defending World Champions (and they will defend their crown) but after a long summer of nothing but America’s past-time, I’m ready to mix in a little NFL.

Now that the Phillies broke the seal on Philadelphia’s title drought, the Eagles (who returned to the NFC Championship game last year and have made several upgrades on offense) are poised to win their first Super Bowl. Sadly our brilliant defensive coordinator Jim Johnson passed away over the summer but his legacy will live on.

It would have been too much for Philly fans to handle both a World Series and Super Bowl victory last season, but this year, two titles will be twice as nice. I’m calling it now.

**In other sports news Michael Jordan was elected into the Basketball Hall of Fame today, reminding us all that while there is no “I” in team, there is definitely an “I” in win.

9/11: A CHILDREN'S TALE
Today marks the eight year anniversary of George Bush successfully reading, in its entirety, “The Pet Goat” with a classroom full of second graders. The book, a challenging read for the former President, is about a goat that eats everything in its path. When the parents of the little girl, to whom the goat belongs, try to get rid of it, the girl comes to its defense. In the end, the goat prevents a robbery and is hailed as a hero.

It’s a great story.

I think my favorite part is when Dubya was informed that a plane had hit the World Trade Centers and decided to stay put, because when George Bush starts a children’s book, damn it, he finishes it! How’s that for resolve terrorists?

On a serious note, I would like to take a minute to remember the almost 3,000 innocent trade center workers, employees, cops, and firefighters who lost their lives that day in the terrorist attacks. Let us also acknowledge the countless innocent U.S. soldiers and Iraqi citizens who have perished since we started a pointless war there in 2003; because nothing memorializes the loss of innocent lives like the loss of far more innocent lives.

CIAO FOR NOW
Thanks for reading another truth-filled edition of The Spoon. The truth really suits you; you wear it resoundingly well. Just remember, when if comes to the Truth, if the Spoon feeds it, you should eat it.

SPOON, NOW WITH 20% MORE TRUTH!

I’M NO FOOL, YOU CAN’T ECONOMY (OUT OF MY MONEY)
Corporations are always making themselves out to be something they are not. The economy is in shambles and money is tight so I thought it would be fun to remove the smoke and mirrors and present a few companies with ad slogans that are a little more in line with their actual target audience and the way they conduct business. Each company's actual ad slogan is listed after the company title. The slogan in blue is the new slogan I've made up for that brand (along with a little blurb about it). I hope you enjoy the Spoon, Full of Truth corporate unmasking.

Burger King-- "HAVE IT YOUR WAY"
"Have it your way...Fat boy"
*With the recent trend of other fast-food chains getting healthier (KFC is going grilled, McDonald's has lower calorie/fat options as does Wendy's and Chick-Fil-A) Burger King continues to offer high calorie, high fat foods (like our mega-fatty breakfast omelet sandwich). At Burger King, we don't care if you're fat. So you’re a fatty, why go somewhere that makes you feel bad about it? You want a 2 Lb. Burger with extra cheese and a large fries? The King says come to Burger King and have it your way, fat boy.

Maybelline--
"MAYBE SHE'S BORN WITH IT, MAYBE IT'S MAYBELLINE"
"Maybe she's born with it, maybe you're not"
*We've all seen the beautiful women in make-up advertisements but let's face it...those women, are born with it. They don't need Maybelline to look pretty, they just need their natural beauty. On the other-hand, you probably need to cake on a nice layer of foundation, some eye liner, lip-stick, blush, eye shadow, cover-up, and lip gloss just to have a shot at getting picked up by some overweight, drunk med-student in a dimly lit bar. Maybe she's born with it. You're definitely not. Cover up that mess of a face with Maybelline.

Taco Bell--
“THINK OUTSIDE THE BUN”
“Because smoking pot is like beer goggles for food”
*Remember the other night when you got a little too drunk at that dimly lit bar and took home what you thought was a hot, young co-ed, only to realize the next morning that once she washed off all that Maybelline she was about as appealing as hand-job from Edward Scissorhands? Taco Bell, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Taco Bell, when your desire to be full outweighs the need to know what you’re consuming. We take crap, wrapped in more crap, cover it in three kinds of crap, surround it with a crunchy layer of crap and grill it (so you can eat it with one hand)…Taco Bell, make a run for the bathroom.

Hooters--
"DELIGHTFULLY TACKY, YET UNREFINED"
"TITTIES, food, beer, TITTIES, televisions, and TITTIES"
*At Hooters, our wings are second only to our breasts. This month only, save 10% when you can complete your entire order without breaking eye contact with your waitress. Everything is better when it’s served by a girl with big tits in a tight shirt and little shorts. Would you rather have your doctor break the news to you that you were dying from cancer, or have a bubbly twenty-two year old in a skin-tight tank-top do it? Our wings are so good, they’ll make your mouth water (at least that’s what you can tell your girlfriend when she catches you drooling).

Capital One—
“WHAT’S IN YOUR WALLET?”
“Our card in your wallet, your money in our pocket”
*What’s in your wallet? We know it’s not your money because that’s in OUR wallet. Whatever…we do what we want. Do you hear that? That’s the sound of us lowering your credit score. Good luck getting a mortgage or an auto loan now. Oh, and while you were reading this, we just raised your interest rates.

Black and Decker--
"IDEAS AT WORK"
“Labor not included”
*Your ideas for those great home improvements are hard at work, now if you could only get your contractors to get off their asses and do something productive. Don’t you wish that you got to take seven hours for lunch? Four out of five contractors who sit around doing nothing all day THINK about using Black and Decker tools. Black and Decker: ideas at work.

Domino's Pizza--
"GET THE DOOR. IT'S DOMINO'S"
“Hey lazy-ass, it’s your turn to make dinner”
*It’s your turn to make dinner again and your lazy ass didn’t think ahead. Now it’s almost 6PM, the kids are cranky, your husband will be home any minute, and there aren’t even any leftovers in the fridge. Domino’s to the rescue! Sure, our pizza tastes like crap and yes, we do support radical pro-life groups…but, we also deliver. Knock, Knock. Who's there? Shitty Pizza. Oh, someone get the door, it's Domino's!

Walmart--
"ALWAYS LOW PRICES. ALWAYS"
"If it's cheap enough, who cares where it came from?"
*At Walmart, we don't waste money like other companies do on silly things like health care for our employees and it really shows in the savings we pass along to our customers. So most of the stuff we sell was made in a sweat-shop...I have one word for you: Rollback. Come to Walmart, and walk the line between morals and great prices!

Angel Soft (toilet paper)--
"ANGEL SOFT. COMFORT WHERE YOU WANT IT"
"Because that ass is heavenly"
*That’s right! We are now a specialty toilet paper brand that only caters to those women who have angelic asses. Your behind is heavenly, why dishonor it by wiping with some run-of-the-mill terrestrial 1-ply? Imagine yourself in a disgusting port-a-potty with a terrible odor and crap all over the place. Now picture a glowing soft roll of Angel Soft hanging there just beckoning to be used; a little slice of heaven, in a place that smells like hell. Angel Soft, it’s some heavenly shit.

Delta Airlines--
"WE LOVE TO FLY AND IT SHOWS"
"You have no other way to get there, so you’re fucked!"
*You have a 9am business meeting in London. How else are you going to get there? Swim? At Delta, we know you don’t have a choice. You have to fly, and we’ll be here to nickel and dime you every step of the way. Want a meal? $20. Want a blanket or pillow? $5. Hell, we might even start charging you to use the reading light or the restroom. Don’t like it? Good luck finding a better deal with one of our competitors. Delta: bend over and take it.

Ford—“WHY FORD? WHY NOW? WHY NOT?”
“Because indecisiveness is sexy”
*Sure there are lots of car companies you could choose from, but that takes time. Why waste hours and hours researching which car company is the best fit for you? Why not just pick Ford? We might be better than the rest, we might not. But we certainly haven’t done anything to make you lose all faith in us and we think that’s good enough. Ford…you might as well pick us because you can’t think of a decent reason not to.

M&M’s—“MELT IN YOUR MOUTH, NOT IN YOUR HAND”
“What are waiting for? Grow a backbone and eat some already!”
*……

DON’T BE BLUE, IT’S JUST A LITTLE LIMP
First researchers discovered Viagra, a little blue pill that prevents penises from going limp. Now it looks as if they have discovered a little blue candy pill that may cause limps.
According to CNN, new research shows that the same blue food dye found in M&Ms and Gatorade could be used to reduce damage caused by spine injuries, offering a better chance of recovery.
Researchers at the University of Rochester Medical Center found that when they injected the compound Brilliant Blue G (BBG) into rats suffering spinal cord injuries, the rodents were able to walk again.
The only side effect was that the treated mice temporarily turned blue. Could you imagine if every time a guy took Viagra he got a healthy erection but he turned blue during sex? I bet that would really do it for ladies with a Smurf fetish.
The results of the BBG study were published in the "Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.
The rats given BBG injections into their IV immediately after their injury could walk again with a limp. In this case, unlike with Viagra, the limp is an improvement. The rats that didn't receive a dose never regained their mobility.
Researchers say it could be several years before their findings lead to a practical application for BBG in humans.
They also stress the treatment is designed to reduce the secondary damage that is caused immediately after the injury.
"Our hope is that this work will lead to a practical, safe agent that can be given to patients shortly after injury, for the purpose of decreasing the secondary damage that we have to otherwise expect," said Steven Goldman, Chair of the University of Rochester Department of Neurology.
The researchers say more testing is needed to assess the safety of BBG before human clinical trials could begin. In the meantime, humans will just have to stick to eating green M&M’s to make them horny.

NOT TONIGHT HONEY, I’M NOT TIRED ENOUGH
A few big yawns and you’re ready to head off to bed. But contrary to popular belief, it’s not to get some sleep. Yawning is actually a sign of arousal, according to what neuroscientist and yawning expert Robert Provine, M.D. reported to MSNBC.
Most commonly associated with feeling sleepy, yawning results in the stretching of muscles and joints as well as an increased heart rate, which may mean it’s the body's way of preparing for increased activity, especially resting. Provine told MSNBC, "[A yawn] serves a number of functions but a common feature in all is that it is associated with a change of state, a shift, say, from sleep to wakefulness, wakefulness to sleep." This can certainly apply to sex, which is typically more strenuous than preceding foreplay.
The exact cause of yawning is still fairly mysterious, but there are a multitude of possible explanations. If you’re in bed with your partner and they begin to yawn, you won’t know whether they have the urge to yawn because their body is preventing their lungs from collapsing, they’re subconsciously communicating the need for rest, or they’re feeling feisty. However, if you’re already involved in a little foreplay, the latter is a strong possibility.
Yawning has also said to be contagious so why not skip the chocolates, flowers, oysters, and Spanish Fly, and just let a few yawns rip the next time you’re trying to seduce that special someone. Maybe that’s just what it’ll take to get them in the mood. Or perhaps you’ll put them to sleep but life is all about taking chances so I say, go for it!

CASH FOR CLUNKERS, MONEY FOR MATRIMONY
A few weeks ago, the House of Representatives voted to rush $2 billion into the popular but financially strapped "cash for clunkers" car purchase program.
The bill was approved on a vote of 316-109.
The program was set up to boost U.S. auto sales and help struggling automakers through the worst sales slump in more than a quarter-century. Sales for the first half of the year were down 35 percent from the same period in 2008, and analysts are predicting only a modest recovery during the second half of the year.
Called the Car Allowance Rebate System, or CARS, the program is designed to help the economy and the environment by spurring new car sales. Car owners can receive federal subsidies of up to $4,500 for trading in their old cars for new ones that achieve significantly higher gas mileage.
How great would this be if it could be applied to spouses? Imagine if the government would pay you several thousand dollars for divorcing your over-the-hill wife in favor of one with far less “miles” on her?
“Are you stuck with a lemon for a wife? She used to be cherry and run great but within the last several years she’s had some body damage and simply isn’t the same appealing ride she used to be. Why not trade her in now for a new updated model? Under the government’s new Cash for Wives system (WARS) there’s never been a better time to get that divorce! Your kids will be the envy of all their friends when you pick them up at school with their brand new mother. Don’t keep wasting your hard-earned money trying to fix up the old clunker. Classic cars can only be taken out on weekends, during daylight hours. With classic wives, you only want to take them out on weeknights once it’s dark out. Where’s the fun in that? Head down to City Hall today and apply for your rebate!”

WATCH OUT EAST COAST LADIES, BILL HAS HIS “EYE” ON YOU
As reported by Reuters, Hurricane Bill, the first hurricane of the 2009 Atlantic season, headed west-northwest over the open ocean on Tuesday, but it was uncertain whether it could threaten the northeast U.S. coast by Sunday.
Named after former President Clinton, (Hurricane) Bill threatens to have women flustered by the end of the weekend, damaging hearts, dresses, and trees in its’ wake.
The U.S. National Hurricane Center said Bill, which late on Monday turned into a Category 2 hurricane packing winds of nearly 100 miles per hour (160 km per hour), was expected to strengthen further on a curving path that would keep it far from land in the next few days. That’s right ladies, it’s more curved than straight.
It posed no threat to the U.S. Gulf oil-producing area. Hurricane Bill doesn’t waste time picking up petroleum based products, it’ll get you wet enough as it is.
Bill was expected to become a Category 3 hurricane on the Saffir-Simpson 1 to 5 scale of intensity in the coming days, and the NHC forecast it would make a gradual turn to the northwest on Wednesday.
Some forecasting models appeared to show Bill eventually turning away from the northeast U.S. coast. He’s heading for you east coast gals but as quickly as he comes, he’ll be leaving you high and dry.

IS OBAMA BARACKING DOWN ON HEALTH CARE REFORM?
While President Obama is certainly a step up from the Bush regime, it looks like politics as usual in Washington.
President Barack Obama has indicated a willingness to drop a government-run health care plan from any overhaul claiming that is isn’t a shift in policy. Here we go again.
Fierce proponents of a government-run health plan for months, Obama and senior administration officials, bowing to pressure from Republicans and skeptical voters, suggested that such a public option is not do-or-die. In fact for many Americans, it IS do or die. I guess it all depends on what the meaning of the word “is” is.
"All I'm saying is, though, that the public option, whether we have it or we don't have it, is not the entirety of health care reform," the president told a town hall-style audience in Grand Junction, Colo., over the weekend. "This is just one sliver of it, one aspect of it."
Why is Obama bowing to the GOP? Wasn’t the slogan of his entire campaign, “Change”?
The president has already dropped the ball with the stimulus package and the wall-street bailout. I still don’t think anyone knows where any of that money went. All I can tell you is where it didn’t go.
"I challenge you guys all to go back and see what we've said about this over the course of many, many, many, many months, and you'll find a boring consistency to our rhetoric," White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters.
Okay Gibbsy, let’s do that.
During the 2008 presidential campaign, Obama said a new public plan should offer comprehensive insurance similar to that available to federal employees. What’s that? Everyday Americans deserve the same care that the government provides itself? Radical.
Obama has said repeatedly in speeches, weekly radio and Internet addresses, and town hall meetings that he wants a health care overhaul that has a taxpayer-funded public health insurance option. He has said the plan would compete with private insurance to keep costs down. "That's why any plan I sign must include an insurance exchange: a one-stop shopping marketplace where you can compare the benefits, cost and track records of a variety of plans, including a public option to increase competition and keep insurance companies honest and choose what's best for your family," President Obama said just one month ago on July 18.
And according to the AP, in a June 3 letter to Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass., and Sen. Max Baucus, D-Mont., Obama said: "I strongly believe that Americans should have the choice of a public health insurance option operating alongside private plans. This will give them a better range of choices, make the health care market more competitive and keep insurance companies honest."
But Obama hedged this weekend in Colorado and other administration officials followed suit. This caused liberals to cry foul but the White House insisted that the rhetoric hadn't shifted. Maybe the democrats need to send gun-wielding liberals to some of his rallies. It seems to be working for the right-wing idiots.
You decide for yourself. Is this a shift or not?
"Must include" became "whether we have it or don't have it."
Certainly sounds like a shift to me. It looks like “Yes we can” has become “We probably won’t”

QUIT DOGGING MICHAEL VICK

My beloved Philadelphia Eagles signed Michael Vick to a contract this past week and you'd think the world had all but come to an end. People who didn't speak up when George Bush was destroying our economy and sending thousands of American soldiers to their deaths suddenly are offended. Those who didn't bat an eyelash when Phillies pitcher Brett Myers punched his wife in the face on the streets of Boston are now up in arms. Look people, Michael Vick tortured dogs. It's awful, no one is denying that. But just because the Eagles signed him does not mean that they condone animal cruelty. As I see it, it's quite the opposite. The Eagles are just giving Vick a new leash on life, a platform from which he can begin to make amends for his past transgressions. We live in a country where if you commit a crime you pay for it with jail time. Vick did that. He served his time, he lost tens of millions of dollars, and now he is being given a second chance after paying his debt to the criminal justice system. It was a risky pick-up for the Eagles. Is Vick sorry for what he did? Who knows, he might feel sorry for the dogs; he might just feel sorry for himself. This much is clear though, if he uses his second chance to help more animals than he hurt, whether he is doing it for the right reasons or not, isn't it a good thing for animals? I think so. Only time will tell if the Vick experiment was a wise one for the Eagles but in the mean time, I am happy it is the Super Bowl and not the Character Bowl...and we're winning it. You can now buy a Michael Vick jersey for your dog on the official NFL website. That's like putting a Bernie Madoff cover on your checkbook. Want to weigh in? That's what the comments section is for.

THE RUMORS OF MY RETIREMENT HAVE BEEN GREATLY EXAGGERATED
I’ve been gone for several months and I’m sure many of you thought that the Spoon was retired. Think again. I’m like the Brett Farve of the blogosphere. Just when you think I’m about to hang it up for good, I come back for another season! While the last several months concentrating of photography and stand-up comedy have been wonderful, I greatly missed bringing you the Spoon, Full of Truth so I have recommitted myself to do so. It’s time to welcome your brain cells back. They’ve been starved for truth, so let’s start feeding them again, one Spoonful at a time.

I ALSO TRIED OUT A FEW NEW JOKES ON SUNDAY NIGHT IN NEW JERSEY: