LIGHTS, CAMERA, LONG BORING PAUSE, ACTION

MMMMMMMMM, PURPLE
That’s it Gatorade, I’m officially calling you out. I’m all for giving consumer products catchy names, but enough is enough. While watching Criminal Minds (on my DVR) late last night, my friend Maya asked her husband Phil for a drink. He offered her his Vitamin Water.
“What flavor is it?” she asked.
I looked over at the bottle; it contained a light orange colored drink and had the word “ENDURANCE” written in big letters of the side.
“It’s peach flavor,” Phil responded.
Phil had skipped the product title (Vitamin Water) and the sub-heading (Endurance) and gone right for the line underneath which clearly read, “Peach”. Now why can’t Gatorade take the time to do that? Years ago, Gatorade only came in a few flavors, and those flavors had names that led the consumer to a reasonable conclusion as to the flavor of the beverage: Fruit Punch, Lemon-Lime, Grape, etc. These days, there are a wide range of flavors, each as confusing as the next. What if I had been at the store and called Maya to ask her if she wanted a drink?
“Sure,” she’d told me, “I’d love a Gatorade”
“Okay Maya, what flavor?”
“Grape,”
What flavor is grape, “Rip-tide Rush”, “Midnight Thunder”, or one of the several other “flavors” that come in some shade of purple? “Cool Blue”, “Glacier Freeze”, “Alpine Snow”, “Whitewater”, “High Tide”, “Cascade Crash”, “White Ice”, and even “ESPN the Flavor” are not flavors! They are meaningless titles. They give the consumer absolutely no idea as to the taste sensation of the beverage. All we, as consumers, have to go on is the color, and even that can be misleading. There are several orange colored Gatorade’s so assuming that orange is orange flavored will get you no where. There are also several blue colored ones. What flavor is blue? There are even flavors that come in white and black. I don’t even want to think about those. This is why no one ever asks you to pick them up a grape or cherry Gatorade. Instead they say,
“Hey would you pick me up some Gatorade on your way to the game?”
“Sure what flavor would you like?”
“Red.”
Then when you get to the field, your friend is upset that you brought him strawberry or cherry instead of fruit punch, but how the hell were you to tell the difference?! Gatorade, I strongly suggest that you start listing actual flavors under the catchy headings that you assign to your beverages, otherwise, the only one I’ll be purchasing is “Not Gonna Waste My Money”.

ZZZZZ…ACTION! ACTION!....ZZZZZZZZZ….ACTION!....ZZZZZZZZZ…ZZZZZZ
Before all of the drink-related madness last evening, I saw the movie “300” with my friend Phil. For those of you who haven’t seen it yet, don’t waste your time and money. It isn’t terrible from beginning to end, but the profoundly dreadful scenes far outweigh the fantastic ones. It most easily compares to a porno movie with remarkable sex scenes, and a downright horrendous (and lengthy) plot. Using the porno format, in 300 the sex scenes were actually battle scenes, and they were remarkable. To further support my claim of a glorified action porno, the Spartans channeled the Persian army into a narrow gap in a mountain. For all intents and purposes, it was the vagina of Sparta. This is where the 300 Spartans clashed with wave after wave of Persian soldiers, as they tried to forcefully penetrate their way into Sparta, and held their ground for several days. Soldiers or Spartan chastity belt? In the end, the 300 were finally defeated. The Spartan King, Leonidas bravely perishing as the Persian leader Xerxes kills him with his explosive money shot (of arrows). Then, there was the “plot”. The plot was as utterly trifling as the worst porno plot you’ve ever seen. If you’ve never seen a porno movie, let alone one with a terrible plot, I suggest you stop reading after this post and run out to your local video store (if they don’t carry them, tell them to stop suppressing art and free-speech) and rent a few (of course I’m sure you could find one or two on this internet thing I keep hearing so much about too). The outline was so bad, that you didn’t even want to watch the actual sex scenes (which, when compared to the fighting, were no more exciting than two people in a porno just kissing for ten minutes. Enough is enough already, get to the good stuff). I kept wishing I had a remote control so I could fast forward through all the trivial plot scenes and get right into the hardcore battle action scenes. It was excruciating. While setting up the plot may have been necessary in explaining the mindset of 300 warriors who would take on an army of hundreds of thousands, there was no need to dedicate so much time to it. If I had made the movie, I would have gone with 95% fighting, and 5% plot. You just start off the movie with one of those written narrations that trails off into the distance (like in Star Wars), setting up the battle. Then, after a few minutes of that, the narrator’s voice (which was awful as well) could take over.
“And everything you’ve just read leads us to this moment now, as Leonidas and his brave army of 300, clashed with a seemingly undefeatable Persian force…”
Wait for it…wait for it…and BAM! You jump right into two hours of bad-ass fighting. Unless any of you have a hard-on for wasting your time (and about eight dollars) I suggest that you skip “300” in the theatres and wait for it to come out on DVD so you can skip the teasing and get right to the action.

IF “300” SOUNDS A LITTLE TOO VIOLENT FOR YOUR CHILD, WHY NOT JUST LET THEM SURF THE WEB FOR A LITTLE PORNOGRAPHY?
When it comes to protecting children from “indecent” internet content, the U.S. government will no longer be serving as the condom. Today, in Philadelphia, Senior U.S. District Judge Lowell Reed Jr., threw out a 1998 law that makes it a crime for commercial Web site operators to let children access "harmful" material. In the ruling, the judge said parents can protect their children through software filters and other less restrictive means that do not limit the rights of adults to free speech. The law criminalized Web sites that allow children to access material deemed "harmful to minors" by "contemporary community standards." The sites would have been expected to require a credit card number or other proof of age. Penalties included a $50,000 fine and up to six months in prison. “Contemporary community standards” (a.k.a. the Republican Christian Agenda) is finally being put in its place. It is the job of parents to decide what is inappropriate for their children to view, not the government. Further more, the website itself should not be punished for allowing a child to view its content if the parents of that child have allowed it. I agree that sometimes the government needs to intervene into a bad family situation but I reserve that right for things like sexual molestation or strong physical or emotional abuse. If parents don’t block their children for viewing “harmful” material on the internet, than the government shouldn’t either. And let’s get serious for a moment, what is “harmful” anyway? Is it harmful for a thirteen year old boy to view sexual content on the Internet? Sex is a very natural part of life. It should not be hidden from teens and adolescents; it just needs to be given context. If a thirteen year old (whose parents have chosen not to block certain content) comes across a porno website for the first time and has never had sex explained to him, it might scare him. What the hell is that guy doing to that woman? Why is she screaming out, is he killing her with his penis? But with context, that sex is not only the way babies are made but a perfectly acceptable form of enjoying ones’ self, it isn’t nearly as bad. If parents want to censor what their children view, they have every right to do so. It would be as dangerous to force parents to discuss sex with their children as it would be to punish them for doing so. However, it should be left up to every parent to make that decision on their own. That is why Internet filters exist. Parents who do choose to discuss sex with their children should be allowed to let their children view whatever they want. Judge Reed, while rendering his decision, said it best.
"Perhaps we do the minors of this country harm if First Amendment protections, which they will with age inherit fully, are chipped away in the name of their protection,"
Parenting, in this case, should be left to the parents.

GONZALES IS DOING ONE HECKUVA JOB
President Bush and the Democratic-controlled Congress lurched closer to a full-blown legal showdown over the firing of federal prosecutors Wednesday as a House subcommittee voted to subpoena top administration officials in defiance of the White House. In response, an unyielding Dubya and his squad of goons threatened to rescind its day-old proposal for top strategist Karl Rove and other officials to answer lawmakers' questions away from the glare of television lights and not under oath. I understand that George Bush doesn’t want to embarrass himself or his staff on television anymore than I do, but the public has a right to know (through the media) when our government is conducting shady business (like political hits on federal prosecutors). Not under oath? Who are you kidding? So what you’re saying George is that, “They will answer questions without the presence of news media and without telling the truth”; as if something as silly as a little oath would persuade these criminals to convey accurate details of their dealings anyway.
"Anyone who would take that deal isn't playing with a full deck," Majority Leader Harry Reid said of Bush’s proposed compromise.
Despite the partisan rhetoric, Rep. John Conyers, chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, repeatedly suggested there was room for negotiations in a confrontation that has threatened Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' hold on his job and forced his chief of staff to resign. Many Democrats (and even a few Republicans) have called for Gonzales to resign. What is Dubya so worried about these days? He’s a lame duck President. He cannot be reelected (let’s count our blessings). He has threatened to veto any act of Congress that calls for a time-table for troop withdrawal from Iraq. He can pardon Karl Rove along with Scooter Libby and the rest of the good old boys who take the hits for himself and Dick Cheney. So why not let Rove testify under oath? Unless he’s going to get on the stand and say that he personally gave Dubya a blowjob in the oval office, it’s not like Georgie Boy is going to get impeached. He has committed the impeachable acts already (and they have been many) and yet Alfred E. Newman still sits in his mansion on Pennsylvania Avenue. It just goes to show that the Bush white-house will stop at nothing when it comes to misleading the American public and using this country for its’ own selfish agenda. The public deserves, and demands to know the truth. The Democratic Congress should settle for nothing less than testimony under oath (and if possible on television camera) from every single member of Bush’s staff (and Dubya himself). After personally starting a war between America and much of the Arab world, Bush’s legacy for the history text books is clear: un-uniting the country and the fifty states, and ultimately changing our Nation’s slogan to “Divided we stand, United we shall fall”. It’s time for the truth to come out; not just the truth about the firings of federal prosecutors, but the truth about his entire shameful presidency. It’s time for Congress to step up and do one heckuva job.

SPRING IS HERE
It’s officially spring folks! The days are now longer than the nights. So take some time this weekend, get outside, and enjoy some fresh air (while the oil tycoons still allow it to exist). If you’re not the outdoors type, another exciting round of college basketball kicks off tonight. I’m still alive (and doing quite well) in my NCAA pools. With all eight of my Elite-Eight teams still alive, I’m hoping to take home the top prize of several hundred dollars (wish me luck). For those of you who picked Texas, Wisconsin, Maryland, or Duke to make it to the Sweet-16…I’m sorry. You should be known better. In the end, I’m guessing the Final 4 will come down to UCLA, GEORGETOWN, OHIO ST (although I love Texas A&M and Acie Law IV) and OREGON (that’s right, M.R. DUCKS. O-S-A-R).
I hope you all enjoyed reading today’s post as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please share it with as many people as you can. Together, we can spread the truth like bird flu (but with much more positive results). Check back next week for another Spoon, Full of Truth.

JENNA'S BOOK, SCOOTER BOOKED

WEEK IN REVIEW
Hello Spoon readers, and welcome to another addition of the Spoon, Full of Truth. Many interesting things happened this week, and after reading this post, you can consider yourself up-to-date on many of them. Let’s get right to it…

JENNA BUSH WRITES BOOK FOR TEENS IN AN ATTEMPT TO TEACH HER FATHER TO READ
Jenna Bush announced plans this week for her forthcoming book about a seventeen year old single mother who is living (in Panama) with HIV. In a rare phone interview, Jenna claims that the book is meant to raise awareness amongst teens about the conditions of poverty in Central and South America (where she has worked as an unpaid intern for UNICEF). A book-tour is being planned for schools, bookstores, and libraries upon completion of the book. Jenna claims that she will donate all proceeds from the book to UNICEF, and why shouldn’t she? Her father has made a living making billions of dollars (for himself and his goons) by exploiting third world countries for their resources while giving nothing back to the people there. If you took the amount of money that the U.S. has thrown away on the needless Iraq war, and spent it on food, medicine, and schooling for kids in third world nations it could have saved countless lives. Jenna says she "very, very modestly" hopes her book will have some of the influence of two books about girls caught up in the Holocaust: Lois Lowry's novel “Number the Stars” and Anne Frank's “The Diary of Anne Frank”. I guess one thing is clear: Jenna has the same inflated sense of self importance as her dear old daddy. Something tells me that when the influence of Jenna’s book “Ana's Story: A Journey of Hope” is compared to that of “The Diary of Anne Frank” they will prove to be as similar as Iraqi oil and melted polar ice-cap water.

HOMOPHOBIC LIKE A FOX
Ann Coulter is at it again. This week, queen-moron called Presidential candidate John Edwards a “faggot”. The very next day, FOX News booked Coulter on "Hannity & Colmes," where she defended her homophobic jab, saying it was not "an insulting word" but a "schoolyard taunt" and a "joke." Oh that’s right Ann, I totally forgot that if you use an insulting word as a taunt that it ceases to be insulting. Thanks for reminding me. When asked if FOX would dump Coulter, they responded, "Ann Coulter is not a paid commentator and her remarks don't reflect the views of FOX News Channel." That sounds like a “no” to me. Listen up FOX, I’m not a paid commentator either. Do you want to let me appear on one of your “news” shows (and I use the word news to mean right-wing rhetoric and lies) and speak my mind? If I say anything offensive you can just issue the same statement. Just because she isn’t paid by FOX doesn’t mean you should grant this mega-bitch the right to say anything and everything that spews out of her mouth! Meanwhile, if a democrat appeared on FOX and even questioned the President and his actions you’d be quick to run a banner under his picture that read “This terrorist questions motives of Jesus’ favorite President”. I hope one day Ann Coulter mutters another derogatory remark in front of the wrong person and they kick the teeth right out of her mouth.

PRISON INMATES REFUSED SKATEBOARDS, BUT GIVEN A SCOOTER
This week a jury told us what we already knew was true. Scooter Libby is guilty. Maybe Dick Cheney will send him a nice gift basket in prison. Meanwhile, the Bush White House steadfastly refused to talk about a possible pardon in the CIA leak case. When the Bush White House can’t even come up with some bull-shit statement (“speaking of pardons, do you have any Grey Poupon?”) to take the attention away from the obvious pardon, you know it’s as good as done (as I have been saying since long before this conviction came down). The request for a new trial is the first move in Libby's uncertain future. He faces up to 25 years in prison when he is sentenced June 5, but his federal sentencing guidelines are much lower. I understand the Presidential pardon to an extent, but I think it should not be permitted to be used on those who work directly for the President or Vice-President. This allows Dubya and Dick to have their staff do whatever they what, whenever they want, knowing that even if they are convicted of breaking the law, Georgie-Boy can get them off. I bet he even keeps a little stack of Monopoly “get out of jail free” cards in his desk in the Oval Office. I guess finding Scooter guilty is a small moral victory for those of us disgusted with the Bush regime’s tactics, but at this point I’m holding out for more. I won’t be content until Scooter, Dick, and George are all locked up for breaking the law but sadly, that day is about as likely to come as Kevin Federline winning a Grammy.

ARE YOU KIDNEYING ME? THIS MUST BE SOME KIND OF JOKE
Serving another six months for that robbery conviction? In South Carolina you might be able to be released tomorrow…minus a kidney. That’s right; South Carolina lawmakers are considering legislation that would let prisoners donate organs or bone marrow in exchange for time off their sentences (voluntarily of course). The proposal approved by the Senate Corrections and Penology Subcommittee would set up a volunteer donor program in prisons to teach inmates about the need for donors. Lawmakers are still awaiting legal advice before acting on a bill that would shave up to 180 days off a prison sentence for inmates who donate. I remember reading a story once about people who take on characteristics of the people whose organs they receive. One woman who never liked pizza began craving it like crazy after getting a kidney implant only to find out that the man who donated the kidney to her had worked in a pizza shop his entire life. Another man began listing to opera music (something he had hated in the past) and then learned that the woman who had donated an organ to him (after dying in an auto accident) had been an avid opera fan. What can we expect from the organs of convicts? Will a nun get a transplant from a felon and go on a murder spree? Will a bank teller get a bone-marrow transplant and begin casing his own place of employment? Aside from the moral dilemmas of allowing prisoners to be released early if they donate organs, will we be creating new criminals? Is there something in the DNA of these organs that will turn law-abiding citizens into crooks? With more than 95,300 Americans awaiting an organ transplant (according to the Organ Procurement and Transplantation Network) and about 6,700 dying each year, I guess it’s a risk we’ll all have to take.

SYRUP, CHEESE, GREAT SKIING, AND NOW…
South Carolina might be the Nation’s leading producer of peaches (yes, more than Georgia) but Vermont now appears to be leading manufacturer of impeaches. On Tuesday, more than 30 Vermont towns passed resolutions seeking to impeach President Bush. Citizens of 32 towns (in Vermont) backed a measure calling on the U.S. Congress to file articles of impeachment against Bush for misleading the nation on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction and for engaging in illegal wiretapping, among other charges.
"We're putting impeachment on the table," said James Leas, a Vermont lawyer who helped to draft the resolutions and is tracking the votes. "The people in all these towns are voting to get this process started and bring the troops home now." While these resolutions are non-binding, they may help to instigate further discussions in the legislature. I applaud the citizen’s of Vermont for speaking up. You make a damn fine cheddar cheese, and an even better point.

WHEN I WAS A KID WE HAD REAL PRESIDENTIAL SCANDALS, LIKE FELLATIO
It wasn’t all that long ago that our country wasted billions of dollars investigating Bill Clinton’s famous blow-job. It was after all, an extra-marital affair, something that right-wing Christians are firmly against…on the surface. On of the men who led the charge against Clinton was then Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich. For those of you not fluent in asshole, allow me to translate. Newt = Hypocrite. At the exact same time Newt was busy wasting tax-payers money and leading a personal right-wing crusade against President Clinton, he too was having an affair. He acknowledged this information in a recent interview with a conservative Christian group (that will air today). But don’t be so quick to call Newt a hypocrite (as I have clearly done) for pursuing Clinton’s infidelity. "The president of the United States got in trouble for committing a felony in front of a sitting federal judge," the former Georgia congressman said of Clinton's 1998 House impeachment on perjury and obstruction of justice charges. "I drew a line in my mind that said, 'Even though I run the risk of being deeply embarrassed, and even though at a purely personal level I am not rendering judgment on another human being, as a leader of the government trying to uphold the rule of law, I have no choice except to move forward and say that you cannot accept ... perjury in your highest officials." I can sum up Gingrich’s statement with one word: bullshit. We can’t accept perjury of our highest official’s Newt? Then why aren’t you up in Vermont leading the charge to impeach Dick Cheney and George Bush? When I was in young we used to play in the creek that ran through the grounds of the school I attended. We often caught little critters, salamanders, crawfish, and newts. From experience I can tell you that nothing is slimier than a newt. If Clinton was investigated for a blow-job, then Bush, Cheney, and even you Newt, should most definitely be investigated for fucking each and every American (who isn’t in the richest 1%).

THANK YOU TO MY BROTHER FOR SENDING ME THIS STORY
I really love this next story that was sent to me by my brother Josh. I just had to share it with all of you.

By JUAN CARLOS LLORCA, Associated Press Writer
Fri Mar 9, 12:20 AM ET

GUATEMALA CITY - Mayan priests will purify a sacred archaeological site to eliminate "bad spirits" after President Bush visits next week, an official with close ties to the group said Thursday.
"That a person like (Bush), with the persecution of our migrant brothers in the United States, with the wars he has provoked, is going to walk in our sacred lands, is an offense for the Mayan people and their culture," Juan Tiney, the director of a Mayan nongovernmental organization with close ties to Mayan religious and political leaders, said Thursday.
Bush's seven-day tour of Latin America includes a stopover beginning late Sunday in Guatemala. On Monday morning he is scheduled to visit the archaeological site Iximche on the high western plateau in a region of the Central American country populated mostly by Mayans.
Tiney said the "spirit guides of the Mayan community" decided it would be necessary to cleanse the sacred site of "bad spirits" after Bush's visit so that their ancestors could rest in peace. He also said the rites — which entail chanting and burning incense, herbs and candles — would prepare the site for the third summit of Latin American Indians March 26-30.
Bush's trip has already has sparked protests elsewhere in Latin America, including protests and clashes with police in Brazil hours before his arrival. In Bogota, Colombia, which Bush will visit on Sunday, 200 masked students battled 300 riot police with rocks and small homemade explosives.
The tour is aimed at challenging a widespread perception that the United States has neglected the region and at combating the rising influence of Venezuelan leftist President Hugo Chavez, who has called Bush "history's greatest killer" and "the devil."
Iximche, 30 miles west of the capital of Guatemala City, was founded as the capital of the Kaqchiqueles kingdom before the Spanish conquest in 1524.

GIVE ME A W, GIVE ME AN EEKEND…WHAT’S THAT SPELL? WEEKEND!
Yet another work week has come to an end and it’s time to sit back, relax, and watch some college basketball! For those of you who don’t like college basketball, I’m sure you can find some other way to pass the time this weekend (although with the new daylight savings time inititive, the U.S. government has taxed us all one hour of weekend time three weeks early...thanks for pointing that out Paul). Personally, this is my favorite time of year. I love the excitement building up to Selection Sunday and can’t wait for March Madness to kick off next Thursday. I hope everyone enjoyed today’s post and can find it in their hearts to share it with their friends, family, and maybe even an enemy or two (Jesus would want you to do it). Make sure to check back next week, for another Spoon, Full of Truth. Spoon…out.

LESS IS MORE

SHORT AND SWEET

Today’s post is going to be short and sweet, just a little something to get through those last few hours before the weekend begins. Next week I’ll be back in full force with more hard-hitting posts but for today, I hope you enjoy this offering…

WHO WANTS A TV WATCH?
I have a group of friends that I have known since kindergarten, some of them even longer than that, and I must say, having life-long friends is a wonderful thing. They have been with me through the good times, and the bad. I consider them to be more like my brothers and sisters than friends. I love them all dearly. There is one small drawback; I am still not able to live-down things I did as a small child. Example? You want an example? I’ll give you an example! When I was in 2nd grade I accompanied my mother to a department store one Saturday afternoon. I don’t remember much about the day but I can assure you it was just as exciting as it sounds. What I do remember, is that the store was holding one of those raffles where you fill out your name, address, and phone number on a little slip of paper and stuff it into the box. First prize? A wrist watch with a small television built into it. Not too thrilling by today’s standards but twenty-some odd years ago, it was borderline futuristic. I was too young to enter the contest myself but asked my mother to do so on my behalf. The seed had been planted. News flash: a young kid with an outlandish (and unchecked) imagination can sometimes be a bad thing. By the time Monday arrived and I boarded the bus to school my brain had transformed the entry for the TV watch raffle into a definite win. Not only had I “won” the raffle, but the prize was no longer just one TV watch, it was several. While I have nothing but faith at this point in my life that my friends adore me, I was fairly uncertain of my peer’s feelings at a younger age. I figured that if I offered some of my imaginary TV watches to my classmates, that they would be sure to love me. Unfortunately, I managed to leave out the imaginary part. Over the next few weeks I promised TV watches to many different people. I was even offered items in exchange for a TV watch (G.I. Joe figures, snack foods, etc) that I collected on. Whenever the issue of the watch came up, I assured people that my mother was at home guarding them and they would be brought to school and distributed at the right time (although I don’t recall making these statements about my mother my friends still assure me that I did). Enjoying my new found fortune and fame, I milked the phony TV watches for as long as possible. I don’t recall exactly when my farce came to an end but eventually I could keep up the lie no longer; I had no TV watches. The lie was eventually forgiven, or was it? It was certainly never forgotten. Throughout the rest of my time in elementary school I was constantly bombarded with the phrase: “Where’s my TV watch?” It did not stop there. Throughout middle school, high-school, and college, whenever I bumped into an old classmate the incident was somehow raised. Where was their TV watch? For the kids I remained very close with, it remained a common theme too. It was written into the sign-in book at my wedding, and brought up several times at a fifteen year elementary school reunion. Whoever thought that the most talked about moment in their first twenty-eight years of life could be summed up by the two words: TV watch? I have often said that if I won the lottery the first thing I would do is to send a television watch to each of my 2nd grade classmates. Maybe then (and only then) will the legend of D. Jacob Miller and the TV watches finally end its’ twenty year run in syndication. As for my friends, I happily endure their gentle teasing. For all the good they have brought (and continue to bring) into my life, it is a small price to pay.

NO I DON’T NEED A RIDE, I’LL WALK
On Wednesday, lawmakers in Ohio said that they want to force convicted sex offenders to use fluorescent-green license plates on their cars so they can be easily identified. A bi-partisan group in the state legislature has joined forces to propose the law. The measure echoes those in several U.S. states that require convicted drunk drivers to use a yellow, pink, or red plate on their cars. You can rest assured that if this law is passed, that quite a few Ohioans won’t be getting many requests to loan out their car.
“Hey neighbor, do you think I could borrow your car for a few minutes? I just have to run these DVDs back to the video-store before…oh…I didn’t notice that new license plate you have. Fluorescent-green, eh? On second thought, I think I’ll just walk the seven miles”. With my luck I’d borrow someone’s car and not notice the new green-plate and bump into several people I know. Then, mysteriously, they’d stop answering my phone calls or letting their children play with mine (this is hypothetical, I have no children, yet). I could beg and swear that it wasn’t my car, I was only borrowing it, but the damage would have been done. This possible scenario reminded me of an uncomfortable moment I once had on an airline (although I’m sure it could happen anywhere). I got up out of my seat to use the bathroom and when I got there they were both occupied. No one else was waiting so I figured it wouldn’t be long. I waited for about two minutes before one of the restrooms became available. When I entered the restroom the putrid smell struck me sharply in the face. My god! What had the man before me done in here? I quickly relieved my bladder, washed my hands, and unlocked the door. I had only been in there for a minute, tops. I quickly opened the door and on the other side stood a very attractive young woman. I smiled at her, she smiled back. Then, the smell drifted out past me and hit her like a ton of bricks. I was mortified. I knew instantly that I could kick and scream until I was blue in the face but no amount of pleading would convince her that I was not the source of the foul odor. The flawless logic of, “whoever smelt it, dealt it” would not save me now. I accepted my fate, and returned to my seat, cursing my luck and the man with the obscene bowels, and thinking about what could have been. The green license plates would do the same. They would alert police, neighbors, school officials, parents, and children that the car was owned by a sex offender, but not that it was driven by one. Is that sweet little old lady in the Buick with the green plate really a sex offender, or did she just borrow her son’s car (her only means of running errands)? Most states (perhaps all of them) already require sex offenders to register themselves with local police and live at least 1,000 feet from any school. Cars are often driven by people other than those who own them and the stigma that will become attached to these people (who might have no choice but to drive the sex-offender’s vehicle) is too great to risk. If Ohio really wants to make a splash, why not just dye sex offenders themselves bright green before releasing them from prison? They might want to wait until after St. Patty’s Day to avoid confusion. I wouldn’t want anyone mistaking Leprechauns for sex offenders.

FINAL REMARKS
I’d like to wish a quick happy birthday to my friend Rob who will be celebrating in NYC this weekend. Have fun Rob! Sorry I can’t make it. I’d also like to wish a very happy birthday to my father who has a birthday on Sunday (Dad, you’re the best, I love you) as well as my Aunt Donna who shares the same birth date.
The injuries are still nagging me, up next is the MRI. I’ll keep you all posted on how that goes. Everyone have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here next week for another Spoon, Full of Truth.