THE ARMY/NAVY SHAME

UNCLE SAM WANTS YOU (TO KEEP YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION TO YOURSELF) Bleu Copas is a 30 year old man attending East Tennessee State University, where he is pursuing a master's degree in counseling and working as a student adviser. Until recently he was also a decorated sergeant and Arabic language specialist in the U.S. Army. That is until he was dismissed from the U.S. Army earlier this year under the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy (though he says he never told his superiors he was gay and his accuser was never identified) less than four years after he enlisted, he said, out of a post-Sept. 11 sense of duty to his country. The "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, established in 1993, prohibits the military from inquiring about the sex lives of service members, but requires discharges of those who openly acknowledge being gay. I have quite a few problems with this. First of all, anyone who wants to join the U.S. military should be able to. I’m certainly never going to join up so I’m very thankful for all of those people who do. Whether they sign up because they feel a sense of duty, because they are poor and have limited options, or just because they are completely foolish, it shouldn’t matter what their religion, race, or sexual orientation are. A gay man can be just as good as a straight man (or better) when it comes to being a language specialist and I have it on good authority that gay men can needlessly lose their lives in Iraq just like a straight guy can. I’m surprised Dubya and his goons haven’t actively encouraged gay men to sign up and then sent them straight to the front lines to be the first to die. I guess he still has it in for blacks and poor people before all else. Then there is the issue of the whole “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy in the first place. They got it 50% right. Don’t Ask. It’s no one’s business who military members have sex with when they are not doing their job. It’s not like a gay man on the battle field will not cover his fellow soldiers because he’s too busy checking out how good their asses look in fatigues. A gay linguist isn’t going to do a poor job deciphering Arab messages because he’s gay. “What did that last message say soldier?” “I’m not sure General. I got a little distracted because he had such a rugged sexy man voice. I’m sure it was something fabulous though. By the way, where’d you get those boots? They’re delicious!” Don’t Tell needs to go. Maybe all the military personnel who have a problem with gays should be dismissed from the military instead. Don’t Tell? Are you kidding me? It gets worse. More than 11,000 service members have been dismissed under the policy, including 726 last year, an 11 percent jump from 2004. Nearly 800 dismissed gay or lesbian service members had critical abilities, including 300 with important language skills. Fifty-five were proficient in Arabic, including Copas, a graduate of the Defense Language Institute in California. Discharging and replacing them has cost the Pentagon nearly $369 million, according to the Center for the Study of Sexual Minorities in the Military at the University of California, Santa Barbara. $369 million dollars to replace qualified military personnel because they are gay! This is where our tax money is going? With our government’s history of wasting tax money it really should come as no surprise. It did give me an idea though, so for any of you soldiers in Iraq, Afghanistan, or anywhere else who may be reading this, pay attention. Sick of fighting a pointless war for a government that won’t appreciate you once you return home? Start telling anyone who will listen that you are gay, and not just a little gay, over-the-top gay. Copas received an honorable discharge. So I ask you, what is worse, being honorably discharged from the military and having people think you are gay, or being stuck in the desert in the middle of a budding civil war, getting blown up by roadside bombs, and quite possibly shot with automatic weapons? Sadly, I think a lot of military members would say that being gay is worse. For those of you, I’d rather you stay in Iraq anyway. Good luck with that. For those of you that have enough sense to realize this war is completely unnecessary and is only going to get worse, put on some lipstick, start singing show tunes (On Dec. 2, investigators formally interviewed Copas and asked if he understood the military's policy on homosexuals, if he had any close acquaintances who were gay, and if he was involved in community theater) and blow a kiss or two to your superior officer. Chances are, you’ll be home safely before you have time to pack your rainbow fatigues. THE RICH GET RICHER, THE REST OF US GET IGNORED Exxon Mobil Corp., the world's largest public oil company, on Thursday reported quarterly profits surged 35 percent to more than $10 billion. "While American families get tipped upside down and have their savings shaken out of their pockets at the gas pump, the Bush-Cheney team devises even more ways to line Big Oil's pockets," Rep. Ed Markey, a Massachusetts Democrat, said in a statement on Exxon's profits. Can anyone say windfall tax? With both a President and VP who are in bed with the oil companies, I certainly wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for that to happen. Even if a windfall tax was imposed, I’m sure it would be written in a language that would leave loopholes big enough for a Saudi prince and his pet elephants to jump through. While the padding of big oil’s pockets continues, our government keeps us distracted with unimportant rhetoric like banning gay marriage, embryos deserving life, and the war on “terrorism”. How can you fight a war on terrorism? Dubya’s speech writers knew what they were doing when they coined that phrase. Terrorism is such a broad term that Bush can apply it to anything he doesn’t like. You can NEVER win a war on terrorism. Period. When are we going to force our government to deal with real issues? The minimum wage needs to be raised substantially. There are almost 50 million Americans with no health care coverage. Our education system is failing American children left and right. Our right to a free press and free speech are being increasingly threatened. Our civil liberties are being mauled by a loose cannon President armed with The Patriot Act and a total disregard for the law. The Patriot Act is a sham. It should be called the Monarch Act. All it does is allow Bush to act like he’s King of America and do whatever he wants in the name of “fighting the war on terror”. While none of these important issues are being dealt with, the oil companies are recording record profits. Exxon, notorious for rarely changing its plans no matter how high oil prices are, boosted its capital spending forecast for the year to $20 billion, citing fresh exploration and production opportunities. The company, the World's largest by market capitalization, also said it planned to increase its already hefty stock buyback program to $7 billion in the third quarter to make use of its ballooning hoard of cash. It makes me sick, and very happy that I no longer drive a car. With the Senate races heating up, I urge all of you to get as many Republicans are you can out of office. That especially rings true for those of us here in PA where the devil incarnate, Rick Santorum, is up for reelection. Make your voices heard! VACATION FROM THE MADNESS As you all count the remaining hours to the weekend I myself am preparing for a trip to Canada for a few days of relaxation and fun with the in-laws, some Tim Horton’s doughnuts and steeped tea (it’s SO steeped), and fun with the wife’s friends. We will also be attending Elvis Fest which is the largest Elvis festival in North America but happens to take place in small town Canada. I will return midweek with tales to share of my Canadian adventures. If you missed the last post, it contained a link to the photos from my birthday/Spoon event on July 14th. I hope you all have a great weekend, and a great start to next week. Until then, share the Spoon, share the TRUTH.

A DIE-MOND IS FOREVER

DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL’S BEST FRIEND When someone first coined the phrase, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend,” they probably didn’t consider that one day a diamond might literally be made from a girl’s best friend. It doesn’t stop with best friends. Parents, children, siblings, co-workers, and anyone else you can think of, is eligible to be immortalized forever into a ring or pendant. Sound crazy? What doesn’t sound crazy these days? The process is simple. Step 1: Someone you care for dies. Step 2: You have that person cremated or, if you prefer burial, you extract strands of their hair. Step 3: Carbon is removed from ashes or hair. Step 4: The carbon is heated while removing the ash to create graphite. Step 5: The graphite is pressurized and then cut into a sparkling gem. Is this a little creepy to anyone else? I’d like nothing more than to keep my loved ones with me forever after they are gone but I don’t think this is what I had in mind. I don’t think I’d be able to wear a piece of jewelry that was made from my mother or wife. The cost is quite high too, at least equal to that of a real diamond, and in many cases, much more expensive. How do you insure something like that on your homeowners? What price could you set on losing a ring made out of dear old dad? Good luck replacing it unless you’ve saved a backup supply of ashes. I find it hard to believe that these gems bring relief to anyone. “I’m sorry sweetheart, I wish your father had been alive to walk you down the aisle on your wedding day but thankfully we were able to have his remains made into your wedding ring so he can still be a part of the celebration!” If some chick was wearing a ring made out of her dead brother on her right hand, and gave you a hand-job with the same hand, does that mean that technically her brother just gave you a hand-job too? I’m not one to tell people what’s right and what’s wrong when it comes to sex, but the thought of getting a hand-job from your girlfriend’s dead brother just rubs me the wrong way. Who gets to decide these things anyway? What if these gems had been around during the height of the East Coast vs. West Coast rapper wars? Could you imagine Biggie not only having Tu Pac killed but then made into some bling-bling earrings that he wore in his next video? Now that’s how you disrespect someone. Death is a hard thing to deal with. I can’t honestly say what I would do if I lost my wife or a parent or sibling, but being charged thousands of dollars to have my deceased loved ones made into gems seems shady to me. It seems like just another way that people can exploit death to make a profit. I enjoy hearing old family stories about my great grand-parents and in that way, I feel like they are kept alive in some regard. I would much prefer to hear stories about them, than to have my mother one day hand me a ring made FROM my great grand-parent. The memory of someone’s life is important to me, not the remains of their body. However, I could think of a few situations in which I wouldn’t mind being made into a gem. If I ever passed away and I had a teenage daughter, I think it’d be great to get myself made into a ring or necklace and make her wear it anytime she goes on a date. I could make that a condition in my will. Then leave her a note with the ring that talks about how she shouldn’t ever forget that whenever she wears her “Daddy Ring” that I can see everything she’s doing. I bet that would keep her from being too promiscuous or using drugs. There’s nothing like a little parenting from beyond the grave. If having your loved ones made into gems actually appeals to some of you, you can check it out at: http://www.lifegems.com/.
HUMP DAY HUMOR I’ve discussed gay marriage many times since starting the Spoon, Full of Truth but sometimes it takes a little dry humor to make people see how foolish it is to be afraid of something harmless like love and marriage. In an attempt to reach those people who still feel that two men or two women should not have the same rights to marry as a man and a woman, I present to you:
10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage Will Ruin Society
1. Homosexuality is not natural, and Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, plastic packaging, and air conditioning.
2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because we all know dogs have legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4. Straight marriage has been around long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be totally destroyed.
6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t completely full yet, and the world clearly needs more children.
7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, much in the same way that straight parents only raise straight children.
8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are strictly imposed on the entire country. That’s why we only have one religion in America.
9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why here in America we expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms, just like we haven’t adapted to automobiles, the internet, or longer life spans.
HOW MUCH WORSE IS IT GOING TO GET? With all of the madness going on in the middle east and the rest of the world, (our troops in Afghanistan and Iraq, the civil war in Iraq, the war between Lebanon and Israel, possible involvement by Syria and Iran, possible connections between Iran and North Korea, and a world-wide hatred of George Bush) it makes me wonder just how badly this is all going to end. I hear the words “World War Three” thrown around more and more these days. Is this what all of this is leading to? As much as the Bush regime will try to point the finger at someone else for causing all of this fighting and unrest, the blame needs to be focused directly back on them. They ignored intelligence that said destabilizing Iraq would only aid terrorist organizations. They blindly went into Iraq, overthrew Saddam, and have now caused something far worse. We do not have enough troops to focus on all of the problems we have created. Even if we did, fighting will only lead to more fighting. We have dug ourselves, Israel, the Middle East, and the rest of the world into a hole and still, “stay the course” is the only rhetoric these idiots have to mutter. When they want to take the focus off of their epic blunder, they try to shift the focus to stem cells, gay marriage, or steroids. I hope I’m not the first one to tell you this, but if we’ve started the process here for World War Three, it might not matter if we have stem cells, if gays marry, or if every athlete in our country takes steroids or not. It is going to be very interesting (and somewhat scary) to see what happens in the coming days, weeks, and months. I just hope that whatever happens, we will live to regret it. IT'S NOT GOODBYE, IT'S JUST SEE YOU LATER It's not goodbye forever, it's just so long for today. The truth you crave will be back soon, so come back and get it, right from the Spoon. Please take the time to be responsible and share the Spoon, Full of Truth with others. For those of you who have been waiting for photos from my birthday event (28 YEARS LATER) they are now available: http://s78.photobucket.com/albums/j94/spoonfulloftruth/28%20YEARS%20LATER/ If you took photos of the event that night, please send them to me at spoonfulloftruth@aol.com. Thanks!

BIRTHDAY EDITION

BUSH BAITS HOOK AS HE PREPARES TO LURE BLACK VOTERS The White House announced Tuesday that President Bush plans to speak to the NAACP for the first time since taking office. This comes somewhat as a surprise after Bush rejected the civil rights group's invitations for five straight years. Every president for the past several decades has spoken to the group. Until now, Bush had been the exception. Bush's decision comes in a critical midterm election year, when Republicans fear losing control of Congress and Bush has been working to get more votes for the GOP. Bush received just 11 percent of the black vote in the 2004 election. White House spokesperson Tony Snow outlined the Presidents agenda, "He has an important role to play, not only in making the case for civil rights, but maybe more importantly, the case for unity," Snow said. "Because as long as we have a nation that's in any way divided along racial lines or where politics become a source of division rather one of civil debate and trying to perfect the democracy, that's a problem." A nation divided along racial lines under this President? Never! George Bush honestly thought that blacks enjoyed being stranded on their roof tops in New Orleans. They made signs and everything. It looked like they were having a good time. Bush even called the effort, “one heckuva job”! Besides, his mother donated a whole bunch of money to pay for his brother’s educational software to be donated to Katrina victims. I think they already got their education. They will all receive honorary degrees from the University of Bush-doesn’t-care-about-black-people. What about his refusal to raise the minimum wage? That has nothing to do with race. He just wants to encourage minimum wage workers to work harder because if there’s one thing Dubya believes in, it’s working hard for everything you get, and having nothing (like a Yale education, the Texas Rangers, or the Presidency of the United States) handed to you. What about all the accusations of voter fraud, accounts of black votes not being counted, voting machines in urban areas failing, and blacks being harassed at the polls? It must be a coincidence. George Bush is a politician, not an electrician. He has no idea how computerized voter machines work. Better to leave that sort of thing to the experts. If I were a member of the NAACP, knowing full well that Bush was only coming to address my association because he believed it would benefit his political agenda, I would line up a few curve ball questions to catch him off-guard. If nothing else, this should serve as an example of why African Americans should vote against Bush and the Republicans in the next election (whether their votes will actually be counted or not). REVISITING OLD HAUNTS I went to lunch today with my father, my wife, and a good friend of mine. While at lunch my friend told us that he had reconnected with an old college girlfriend over the weekend. When I say reconnected, I mean that literally parts of their anatomies reconnected. My wife commented that she had never gone back years later and slept with someone that she had been involved with in the past. My first reaction was to compare it to music. Everyone has gotten a new CD at some point and thought it was the hottest shit they have ever heard. You can’t get enough of it. You play it over and over and over again. Eventually, you listen to it so much that you get sick of it. You toss the CD in some box or something and move on to a new band or CD that you haven’t heard before. You might come across the old disk once or twice in the next year and, still sick of it, don’t even give it a second glance. After a while you forget you even own it. Years later, you come across the CD while going through old things, looking for something completely non-related. You pick it up, read the back, think about how much you used to enjoy it, and realize that so much time has passed, that you’re no longer sick of it and would really enjoy giving it another listen. You pop it into your CD player and press play. You are instantly taken back to the time in your life when you first fell in love with the music. Not only that, but you’re able to appreciate the songs on a whole new level. You have a different understanding and appreciation of the music; your ear is more refined. That’s exactly what happens when you have sex with someone again after years and years without it. The sex is great again. When you first start sleeping with someone, the sex is usually the best. It’s exciting, new, and exotic. After a while, it might still be good, but it’s lost that edge it once had like when you heard that hot new track for the first time. I encourage all of you that have the chance to call up that old boyfriend or girlfriend that you haven’t connected with in years, pop them into your “CD player”, and give them another listen. I think you’ll be very surprised at how good sounds after all this time. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! I would like to thank everyone who came out to the Mansion on Friday to support me, and the Spoon, Full of Truth on my birthday. For those of you that didn’t attend, you missed a good time. It was a great mix of people (many of whom I hadn’t seen in years) and everyone seemed to get along, enjoy some cocktails, and have a great time. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and it was really nice to be surrounded by supportive friends and family members for an evening. Thanks to all of you. I also unveiled the new Spoon, Full of Truth.com T-shirts at the party (and thank you to Dan Robinson for designing the logo and my wife Julia and friend Alan for helping in the production of the shirts) and they received rave reviews. They will be available shortly through this site and I hope all of you Spoon supports will get one and wear it with pride. Nothing says “I have exquisite taste and a superior intellect” like a Spoon, Full of Truth.com t-shirt. I will be posting the photos of the event online soon so keep your eyes out for the link in an upcoming post. Check back soon to get more truth, straight from the Spoon.

BATHROOM BREAK

AMERICAN URINATION SOCIETY TO HONOR KARL ROVE WITH PRESTIGIOUS “LEAK OF THE YEAR” AWARD He’s already off the hook, and why shouldn’t he be? How often have we seen those close to the Bush camp bend or break the law with no consequences for their actions? They lie, cheat, steal, and when it’s to their advantage, leak. Yesterday, for the first time, Robert Novak, the journalist who revealed the identity of CIA official Valerie Plame on July 14, 2003, finally revealed something far more important, his source for the story. For those of you living under a rock, I’ll give you three guesses who it was. The rest of you should only need one. That’s right folks, White House political advisor, and avid collector of ignorance and fat-cells, Karl Rove. "I have revealed Rove's name because his attorney has divulged the substance of our conversation, though in a form different from my recollection," Novak wrote. Imagine that! Rove and his attorney claim to recall the incident differently than Novak. What’s next? In three years George Bush and Cindy Sheehan will differ on their recollection of how successful the war in Iraq was? Plame’s identity was revealed just eight days after her husband, White House critic and former U.S. Ambassador Joseph Wilson, accused the Bush administration of manipulating prewar intelligence to exaggerate the Iraqi threat from weapons of mass destruction. So what did the White House do? In typical fashion they said, if you question us, we’ll find a way to punish you. What do we know about WMD’s in Iraq today? We didn’t find any, and if the Bush administration had any prewar intelligence that said we would, they should be outing the names of the people who supplied it. That would be giving them too much credit. Most people make decisions based on facts. The Bush administration has a long history of making facts based on decisions. The decision to out a CIA operative just because her husband was opposed to the White House lying to the American public and the rest of the world so that we could start an unjust war, is criminal. With Novak finally willing to admit that Karl Rove was the source for his story, I see no reason that we shouldn’t try Rove in court, and send him up the river without a paddle. Scooter Libby could be his cell-mate. Then again, Dubya will just pardon them both in two years anyway. JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK TO THE FLEA MARKET Uh oh! I better call and warn my grandmother. A recent audit of the federal antiterrorism database, or The National Asset Database, as it is known, found that it is so flawed, that as of early this year, Indiana, with 8,591 potential terrorist targets, had fifty percent more listed sites than New York (5,687) and more than twice as many as California (3,212), ranking the state the most target-rich place in the nation. The database is used by the Homeland Security Department to help divvy up the hundreds of millions of dollars in antiterrorism grants each year, including the program announced in May that cut money to New York City and Washington by forty percent, while significantly increasing spending for cities including Louisville, Ky., and Omaha. It looks like the same prewar intelligence that said Iraq had weapons of mass destruction is also now saying that the terrorists will next strike America where it really hurts, in Indiana. Before those of you living elsewhere take a collective sigh of relief, it appears that the next terror attack could strike anywhere, literally. “Old MacDonald’s Petting Zoo, the Amish Country Popcorn factory, the Mule Day Parade, the Sweetwater Flea Market, Nix’s Check Cashing, Mall at Sears, Ice Cream Parlor, Tackle Shop, Donut Shop, Anti-Cruelty Society and Bean Fest,” all made the list. Which ice cream parlor? Which donut shop? Who knows? It could be the one you were just standing in as you got your morning coffee or a scoop of mint chocolate chip at mid-day. The horses at the petting zoo must have anthrax. What would be more cruel than blowing up the anti-cruelty society? Many businesses included on the list were baffled. “I am out in the middle of nowhere,” said Brian Lehman, whose business in Berne, Ind., has five employees and grows and distributes popcorn. “We are nothing but a bunch of Amish buggies and tractors out here. No one would care.” “Seems like someone has gone overboard,” said Larry Buss, who helps organize the Apple and Pork Festival in Clinton, Ill. “Their time could be spent better doing other things, like providing security for the country.” Good point Mr. Buss but I think this administration is a lot more interested in providing a feeling of insecurity than it is in providing actual security. Angela McNabb, manager of the Sweetwater Flea Market, which is 50 miles from Knoxville, Tenn., said: “I don’t know where they get their information. We are talking about a flea market here.” I have a pretty good idea where they get their information…they make it all up. Why include all of these places on the list? To keep the simple fear rhetoric alive and well, “You are not safe from terrorists no matter where you live, no matter where you are”. In an area like New York City that actually stands the chance of falling under attack, officials, who have questioned the rationale for the reduction in this year’s antiterrorism grants, were blunt when responding to this news. “Now we know why the Homeland Security grant formula came out as wacky as it was,” Senator Charles E. Schumer, Democrat of New York, said Tuesday. “This report is the smoking gun that thoroughly indicts the system.” According to the audit, the source of the problems appears to be insufficient definitions or standards for inclusion provided to the states, which submit lists of locations for the database. Excuse me? There aren’t sufficient definitions to what constitutes a location that should be added to the database? In many of the Red states, I’m sure they add any location at which someone of Arab decent has ever been spotted. “Yep I’m sure he’s a terrorist. That there feller was wearing a towel tied around his head and when he ordered a corndog from me he did it with an accent” This is just another example of how Bush and his goons are taking all of our tax dollars and throwing them away. You have to pick your battles boys. If terrorists want to blow up the ten people shopping at a flea market in the middle of Iowa, it will be tragic, but not nearly as tragic as if they blow up a major building filled with thousands of people. Then again, if having major buildings blown up really mattered to the Bush regime, they probably wouldn’t have helped bring down the twin towers in the first place. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY! I just wanted to take a minute to wish my beautiful wife Julia a happy 26th birthday today. The rest of you should feel free to leave her happy birthday wishes in the comments section of this post. I’m sure she’d appreciate it. Even if it’s not your birthday today, I hope you enjoyed your present, a Spoon, Full of Truth. And you said wishes don’t come true.

GUEST COLUMN

THE FOLLOWING IS THE THIRD INSTALLMENT OF MY GUEST COLUMN SEGMENT. THE VIEWS ARE THOSE OF THE WRITER AND NOT THOSE OF D. JACOB MILLER OR SPOON, FULL OF TRUTH (ALTHOUGH I MIGHT AGREE WITH THEM). PLEASE ENJOY! CHECK BACK SOON FOR ANOTHER OFFICIAL SPOON, FULL OF TRUTH POST.

Normally, I love my morning routine. I get to work and read the news online while I eat my breakfast. Trust me, its more relaxing than it sounds. But today, the news frustrated me more so than it normally does. The first article that caught my eye was on MSNBC.com, entitled "Time to Change How We Spell Wurdz?". Almost the entire article was written phonetically, I assume, to illustrate the author's point. Apparently, there are activists protesting outside the annual national spelling bee held in Washington with such signs as: "Enuf is enuf but enough is too much" and "I'm thru with through" (and I just noticed that Word's spell-check does not mark "thru" as spelled incorrectly).These people are trying to do away with our current way of spelling and put in its place a simpler, phonetic "sistem". The theory is that if words are spelled the way they sound, it will be easer for children to learn to spell, excel in the English language and potentially completely eradicate the illiteracy problem. As I struggled to read the phonetic text I became more and more frustrated. Words were changed that were simple to begin with, like "noet" instead of "note", "uennyon" instead of "union", "wuns" instead of "once", and the list keeps going.

For our country to continue to be a leading world power, and to fully recover from the damage the current administration has done, there must be high standards of education. Yes, high standards mean that some will fall short, but lets be realistic, not everyone will be proficient in everything they do. And while it is sad that illiteracy is so prevalent, and our
language so complicated, these are facts of life and must be accepted as such. In much the same way that no one would argue that 2+2=4, no one should be trying to argue that "failure" should be spelled as "faeluer". Donald Bear, an educational professor, said that using the phonetic spelling of words would probably make it more difficult, citing the fact that words get their meanings from prefixes, suffixes, and roots that come from other languages. Even the nations largest teachers union, once a supporter, now objects to this "iedeea".

I've always prided myself on being an excellent speller, and, generally speaking, a pretty well-spoken, well-read individual, and I have to admit I breathed a sigh of relief when I read that the general American public is not in favor of this change and finds it completely unnecessary. For a moment, I was worried that we would actually lower our collective standards and, as if we haven't already done so to a dangerous degree, dumb down our entire educational system for the sake of a few. Next thing you know, G-Dub will be teaching grammar!!



The second article that really got my blood boiling over sheer stupidity was from the Washington Post, titled "Castration a Solution for Sex Offenders?". A man by the name James Jenkins had spent 5 years in a Virginia state correctional facility for molesting 3 young girls and an additional 2 ½ years for violating the terms of his parole. The night before a hearing pending a request to remove him from prison and place him in a treatment facility, Mr. Jenkins asked a guard for a razor so that he might look clean-shaven and presentable the next morning. After the guard finally gave him the razor, Jenkins stuffed an apple in his mouth and proceeded to castrate himself and flush his testicles down the toilet. He later claimed that he felt that was the only way he could stop the "deviant sexual fantasies" he suffered from, and to be sure he never victimized another little girl.

Normally, I'd commend the guys balls, pardon the pun, for castrating himself for such a reason, chuckle at his obvious psychosis, and maybe wish for a moment that people would show a little much-needed self control once in a while, but this was not a normal case. This one man's extreme decision led lawmakers in Virginia and several other states to consider using castration as part of regular treatment and rehabilitation of repeat sex offenders. Sen. Emmett W. Hanger, Jr. (R-Augusta) floated a bill that would give sex offenders the option at the end of their sentences to be castrated in exchange for their freedom, or to continue the normal process of moving on to a treatment facility. Sen. Hanger withdrew his bill when the issue of cruel and unusual punishment was addressed, but insisted that since the procedure would be on a strictly voluntary basis that issue should be moot. While no one is convinced that castration is a cure-all, many are in agreement that it would be highly beneficial in most, if not all, cases of repeat offenders, citing studies that have concluded that while the surgery does not completely eradicate sexual desire, arousal, function, or ability, the occurrence of repeat offenses does sharply decline after the procedure. One would assume that it would be beneficial, then, to cut off the hands, or at least the fingers, of kleptomaniacs, or pyromaniacs....

Am I the only one feeling the slow decline back into ancient times?

-Sam Porter

BUSINESS EDITION

DOCTORS CONFIRM FIRST U.S. CASE OF DEATH BY KARMA It looks like spending his golden years in the comforts of a federal prison just weren’t in the cards for former Enron head Ken Lay. Instead, he’ll be spending them a cemetery plot. Early this morning, police were called to the Colorado vacation home of Ken Lay. He was rushed to the Aspen Valley Hospital where he was pronounced dead at 3:11 a.m. Lay, who was to be sentenced on October 23rd, was looking at spending the rest of his natural born life in prison. He was 64 years old. Pastor Steve Wende of First United Methodist Church of Houston, said in a statement that church member Ken Lay died unexpectedly of a "massive coronary." I could be wrong here, but isn’t having a heart a prerequisite for having a heart attack? As a man, I’m not a leading candidate for ovarian cancer. As a heartless prick, I wouldn’t think Ken Lay would have died of heart-attack. It sounds like a cover up to me. Could it be that some big-wigs in Washington are trying to suppress the real cause of death here? Could it be the start of a new deadly ailment that is 80% more likely to affect CEO’s and republicans alike? I’m talking of course, about death by karma. With new useless medications like Tamaflu unlikely to help stop the deadly spread of death by karma, George Bush, his goons in Washington, and his corporate pimps must be shaking in their $2,000 cowboy boots. A condom, when used properly, is effective in preventing the spread of AIDS. Unfortunately for these clowns, when it comes to the spread of death by karma, there is no condom made to fit proverbial dicks. Unlike our overcrowded U.S. prisons, they’ll be plenty of room in hell for Dubya’s boy, Ken Lay. Maybe now, with Ken Lay dead, all the people he cheated out of their pensions and retirement savings will have a little easier time resting in peace. 20% POST CONSUMER CONTENT Recycling is the man. The same "man" who’s been keeping us down (ever since it became possible to do so) is now taking hold of our bottles, cans, and cardboard. When recycling first became popular, consumers were interested in trying to save the environment. Why throw something in the garbage and stick it in a landfill when you can re-use it and save more natural resources? It makes a lot of sense. These days it doesn’t just make sense, it makes cents, and lots of them. Recycling these days is a cash cow. The environment is being destroyed and all the recycling in the world (alone) isn’t going to save it. Companies still have a vast interest in recycling though. They charge you for a product that includes packaging, then they collect the packaging so that they can have cheaper materials for making new packaging, and then they charge consumers full price for the product again. Meanwhile, consumers get no discount on items that are made with recycled goods, nor are they paid for returning the discarded packaging (cans, bottles, cardboard, etc) to the companies who re-use them. To take it a step further, in certain areas (like the neighborhood in which both of my parents live) the city is now forcing residents to separate their recycling (clear glass, dark glass, cans, newspaper, cardboard, etc) and to clean it (i.e. bottles should be rinsed out) and will fine them if they throw it away. We as consumers buy products, pay for the packaging, and then are forced to clean it, sort it, and hand it back to these companies so that they can save money on future packaging while passing on no savings whatsoever to the consumer. These companies then preach the same rhetoric of saving the environment by recycling to make people feel bad when they throw away packaging. Recycling is better for the environment, but don’t think for a second that saving the environment in any way, shape, or form, drives these corporations to do it. Cheaper materials equal more profits, plan and simple. It’s almost enough to make me want to throw my bottles and cans in the trash. In order to stick it to the corporations, you also have to stick it to the environment. With the environment all but doomed anyway, it is tempting, but I’m still going to recycle. Maybe it’d be better to rent a storage facility somewhere and fill it with all of my recycling until it gets so full that a company offers to buy it all from me. Even if it was only a few bucks, at least we’d both be profiting from it. Right now I just feel used, and re-used. CAN I INTEREST YOU IN ONE OF OUR EXCITING NEW PROGRAMS? A friend of mine was over at my apartment today helping me set up my new HDTV so we could watch the World Cup game in high definition. He just recently moved out of my apartment building and while we were waiting for the game to start he decided to call his credit card companies to have his address changed so his statements would go to his new address. The guy could have simply taken down his new address, asked if he could be of further assistance, and let him get on with his day. However, these guys (as they are trained to do) will not pass up any opportunity to sell you something and take more of your money. If they already have you on the phone, they might as well pitch you something. This time, he tried to sell him on an upgrade to a gold credit card and even offered to waive the usual $150 annual fee for the first year. This kind of thing makes me sick. You’re already taking my money, I’m just trying to change my address to make it easier for you to send me my bill and get my money on time (so you can’t also charge me a late fee), don’t take advantage of me and try to sell me something else. It makes me want to try to sell these guys something over the phone too. I know they have a job, they must have a few extra dollars to throw around. I could just wait for them to finish their sales pitch, and then casually give them one of my own, “Thank you for offering me that new gold credit card. It sounds like quite a deal! Speaking of deals, while I have YOU on the phone, I’d like to offer you this opportunity to purchase one of my new ‘go-fuck-yourself’ kits at an amazing introductory price of just 99 cents. As if that’s not enough, for 50 cents more I’ll throw in one of my ‘go-fuck-your-mother’ kits; it’s my new family package! Once you buy the package, you’ll be automatically enrolled into my monthly club. Each month, for a cost of just $4.95, you’ll be sent email reminders detailing the exact reasons that you should go fuck yourself as well as the latest popular methods to help you do just that. I can only offer you this special price today while I have you on the phone. I encourage you to take advantage!” What might be even better, would be to not pay my bill for a few months, then when they call to harass me for payment, I could give them my sales pitch. “I don’t have enough money to pay my bill today, but I don’t want you to leave empty handed. While I have you on the phone, let me make you a special offer…” IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE, NO, IT'S THE TRUTH! And there's only one place to get it right from the source...Spoon, Full of Truth. Thanks for taking time out of your day to feed your brain. I don't write the truth, I just help to Spoon it out. Make sure to get your truth here. Otherwise, you risk getting forked.